I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
My wife doesn’t like sex, never has since being married. I don’t understand; we had sex before we were married but then realized we shouldn’t and stopped. After getting married she didn’t want to have sex anymore. We have been married for almost 17 years and have three wonderful kids. I could have given you the exact date and time each of my kids was conceived because there was no intimacy 2-3 months either side of that one time.
Now when I bring up that it has been a while, I get “I’m trying!” But nothing ever changes. We went for counseling and it helped until she got her next period then it reverted back to same ole same ole. I love her so much and loved her when she was a little bigger. Now she has lost weight and I take a back seat to not only sex but everything else in her life. She breaks our plans to go out with the girls. It is becoming very hard. She calls and texts with another guy who is married and she doesn’t see a problem with it because they are “just friends” from church. Frustrating!
I’ve tried everything to please my husband sexually. We used to do it 7 to 10 times a week and he was never satisfied and yelled and screamed at me if I asked for 1 night off. This went on for 15 years and I did as you mentioned above. Kept trying, kept giving into his yelling to try keep the peace but it still wasn’t good enough. He would complain that it wasn’t long enough. 1 hour was not enough. He wanted it to go for 8 hours and would yell at me and ask “when are you going to give me what I WANT?” He’s addicted to pornography, he uses spy wear on me and others. I’m scared of him and traumatized yet I’m still here listening to him get mad at me every few days because I’m not intimate enough. I have to get out of this marriage before it’s too late. He sent me your article to read in the hope I’ll somehow be changed and want to get help.
What you’re describing is abuse. Physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Your husband is sick and he needs God. There’s nothing you can do for him. You are not an object, you are a God made human being with a divinely inspired purpose. I pray that the Lord will keep you safe and shield you from this man’s evil.
I think you are more than accommodating if you’re being intimate that much. It appears that your husband may be addicted to sex and it sounds quite unhealthy. I pray that you find a solution, but don’t allow yourself to be abused physically, emotionally, or sexually. Remember that you do have the right to say no. You are not a sex slave. Best of luck to you.
I don’t get all the whining about not getting sex. If you want it to orgasm get a vibrator or men use your hands. Sex is a want not a need. I promise you will not die from lack of sex.
As a wife i don’t care for it and am only 35. I’m just too tired and have no desire. There is NOTHING weong with that. I tell my husband he’s got two hands- use them. I feel our marriage is doing well, leas fights than when we used to have sex. So somethings working. And no my husband is not cheating on me.
I feel sex is for procreation. When we’re ready for kids, i’ll think about it. Seriously, people get over it or please yourselves. We’re not wild animals!
Wow, Cathie… what a joy and blessing you must be to your husband –reducing him down to a hand job, rather than intimacy! What you wrote is so filled with selfism, it makes me wonder. Why did you even marry in the first place if you have decided (with no wiggle room) to do (or not do) what you want to do, when you want to do it without consideration as to what your marriage “partner” may be thinking or feeling about all of this? If this is what your husband wants, then fine… it’s your marriage, and your marriage bed and together, you are to decide what is best. But to marry and then to dump all of this upon your spouse as a “take it, and if you don’t like it, too bad” way of living is disturbing. And then you’re going around (like you are here) trying to get others to join you in this way of thinking and living within marriage, makes this all the more disturbing.
I’m not thinking that you are not approaching this as a Christian (even though you came onto a Christian web site), because what you wrote certainly smacks hard in the face of what God tells us biblically (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). Again, if your husband is happy with this arrangement and he doesn’t long for more sexual intimacy with you than this… then that’s great. But if not, then this is pitiable, because that means that you are being a dictator in the bedroom. There is no mutuality involved.
We have posted a video, from a teaching by T.D. Jakes, where he explains a bit about the differences in the ways that men and women view making love. The voice over in this video doesn’t match up, but the content is so important that we posted it anyway, hoping that it will bring insight in to those who never saw this issue that way. I’m not sure you would want to view it, but it may help someone else that is reading this. It gives voice to the man, where it can be missing sometimes (T.D. addresses husbands and what their wives may need in another video). You can find it and view it at: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/marriage-relationship-advice-pt-6-td-jakes/.
When we marry, we are to give consideration to each other –the husband to the wife and the wife to the husband. It’s a matter of marrying our lives together to live with each other in a way that builds love, companionship, and mutual growth (especially spiritually). To throw that type of consideration out, brings an unhealthiness into marriage… how sad when that is the case.
Actually Cathie – for men, sex is experienced as a legitimate need just as hunger or thirst are. No we won’t actually die without it but the desire to be intimate with another human is built into us and extremely powerful. The best analogy I can come up with is like hunger I suppose one could live/survive off bread and water and a piece of fruit once in a while for vitamins. That wouldn’t be very pleasant though, would it?
A man may be able to use his hands to take care of himself sexually when he has a wife that should be loving and caring to him and is able (but not willing) to be sexually intimate. The man eating the bread and water will want something of substance so badly even though he might have enough food to technically not starve to death. If he sees a steak or a delicious plate of food there may be nothing he won’t do to have a taste of that. He might do things he normally wouldn’t do. He might steal it, he might even hurt someone to get it.
When you deny your husband the most basic components of a marriage he will eventually look outside. It may be looking at porn or it may be starting to venture into massage parlors or talking to an attractive woman at a bar while he’s on a business trip hoping for some attention or something more. We are in a society where there are easy opportunities for men to stray. Porn is available to anyone for free and there are no shortage of women available for men who need that physical contact.
I understand this is hard for you to empathize with. It’s like trying to make a human understand what a bird must feel like flapping it’s wings and soaring through the air. By God’s design we are physiologically different in many ways. Certainly sexually men and women are often polar opposites.
Whether you like it or not it is one of the largest driving factors into committing to a marriage for many men. Particularly men who abstained from sex prior to marriage, wanting to have that intimacy is a critical component of the relationship’s evolution. Getting married absolutely puts in place a reasonable expectation for a husband to be attentive to the wife’s needs and likewise for the wife to be attentive to the husbands needs. That may not mean having sex daily but to all out deny intimacy is unbelievably cruel. Just as he would be cruel to not be loving and caring in the ways you need him to be. Notice how I use the word need. Women also have emotional needs in order to feel loved. You won’t die without them but you won’t feel connected or loved without them either.
I hope for you and your husband’s sake as well as for the health of your marriage you think about some things and seek some counseling perhaps individually and with your husband.
You know what Jesus never once had sex. Otherwise he would of never had been able to heaven in whole. Sex was created by Jesus to reproduce. To have children with each other… I’m 38 year’s old and never been remotely sexually active. Yes, I have children, twins, boy and a girl. They’re 16 year’s old. I’ve never had the urge to have more. A woman isn’t meant to be a man’s hearth, either is a man. About 65 of women don’t want sex or need it anymore. Women are just built this way. And sometimes yes, there could be a hormonal imbalance. But that can only be medically fixed for so long. Not even a therapist can permanently fix someone’s sexual problems. I’m sorry if this offends anyone.
Well said Cathie. Cindy Wright is promoting domestic violence by telling women to not deny their husbands. She didn’t reply to my post about how my husband would scream at me for sex even when he was getting 7 to 10 times a week. If I dared ask for a night off he would scream at me. Then he sends me Cindy Wright’s article. I am so angry. She is giving men the right to abuse their wives if they dare deny them. This is how my husband sees it. Why have you not responded to my posting Cindy?
I didn’t deny my husband because I was too afraid to for 15 years. I got verbal abuse from him daily about everything. My kids got verbal abuse from him daily. We lived our lives trying to make him happy in everything we did. We had no time for our own happiness. We don’t ever dare ask for something from him. The sex was never good enough for him. It doesn’t matter how much heart I put into it.
In the last five years and with lots of counselling I have learnt to say “no” and my husband doesn’t yell as much. The less I give in to him the less he yells. So then I start giving him more. hen he starts yelling more. As soon as I start not being all over him all day the yelling starts. So then I start denying him. He starts to yell less and so it goes round and round. It is a want and Cathie is right. Why do we have to give up our bodies. Why do you not respond to me? Am I to live my life as a hostage? To be treated like a slave?
Dear Trauma, I’m sorry that I haven’t responded before now but please know that there is nothing on the web site that promises a response to every comment that comes in. We CAN’T answer everyone’s comments… we get thousands of them a year, many that you don’t even see, where they email us directly. There simply is not enough time to answer them all. We don’t have the time, nor the resources, nor do we believe God is asking us to respond to every comment. We offer the articles, blogs, recommended resources, links to other web sites, etc… to help in the ways we can, but we can’t possibly address, nor help EVERYONE that comes onto this web site. We aren’t all knowing, or all being.
Also, please know (as we have often told people) that we aren’t counselors –never claim to be; we’re marriage educators and mentors. We can’t help all, but we CAN help some and also hope and pray that others will be inspired to help, as well (which we see happen quite often). Trauma, I just now read your 1st (and second comment) and I can’t see where you’re asking for help from me in particular, so please know that I’m not avoiding you, I just am ministering where I can, when I can, and I’m sorry that I didn’t give comment to what you wrote, and that it troubled you. I never want to do that to anyone.
With that said, if I HAD seen your comment when it was first posted, I probably would have said that your husband’s behavior appears to be troubling, to say the very least. Love is not demanding, nor is it selfish, or abusive. The fact that he’s using porn and spy ware and such is sick. And the fact that he used this article to throw it in your face is troubling too. He is taking the article out of context. It’s not meant to be used as a weapon, but as a tool to come to a better understanding of each other. Please don’t take it out of context either. The advice given is not a “one size fits all” situations. The things you have pointed out in your first comment shows that. Just because your husband took it that way, doesn’t make it so.
From what I can perceive from your comments, you both need help. He needs it to stop the horrible, damaging behavior he is exhibiting, and you need it to figure out how to best deal with this type of situation. How I wish you would have reached out to address this before letting it go on for 15 years. I can’t imagine letting it go on, to that degree, for that long. But maybe you just didn’t have the courage, or insight, nor the tenacity, or whatever before now… I’m not sure. I can’t look into your life and into his to know all of what either of you were thinking, but I sense that yours were pure in waiting.
What I DO know is that I would NEVER give men (or women) the right to abuse their spouse. That’s not even close to who I am or where I’m coming from. That is absolutely wrong, and I would never defend that type of behavior. An abuser will take even innocent, or even rightful things and blow it out of context. Please don’t allow yourself to receive that type of hurtful behavior, as being one based on truth.
As far as Cathie’s statements… lets just say that I’ve seen where hurt people often hurt people. I definitely don’t agree with what she says. I can understand why and how she could get there, and sympathize, but there is the other extreme… BECAUSE a spouse is hurt, it doesn’t give them the right to do what they shouldn’t, in retaliation. Neither marriage partner should act like a dictator in the bedroom. Help was needed long before it got to that stage of bitterness. And I say the same to you. No, you should’t “live as a hostage” or “be treated like a slave” …get help from a counselor that deals with these types of issues and see what you SHOULD do, rather than react out of rage and bitterness. I can well comprehend why you would be tempted to do this, but it’s not healthy for ANYONE involved. I hope and pray you can and will, and hope the best for you.
Thanks Cindy for your reply. I appreciate it and understand that you’re not promoting verbal abuse etc. I’m sorry for my outburst but was so angry when he sent me that article. I took it out on you. It’s him I should be angry with. Any how lots to discover and learn. We have separated once and may have to soon again. I’m now not sleeping with him and trying to explain to him why what he’s doing is not acceptable.
I’ve been trying to do this for 21 years but some how he thinks everything is my fault. I think I may be getting through to him however. Although I thought I had the last time we separated and that’s why I came back. Sorry again for the outburst.
Thanks Trauma, for saying what you did. I appreciate it… I sure understand how mad you could get with all of this. I pray for wisdom for you in dealing with the issues you and your husband are having (and have been having). God bless.
As a husband of a wonderful woman for the past 31 years, I too have struggled with the almost complete lack of intimacy in our relationship. Still do. I don’t know why but since the birth of our last child 20 years ago I’ve been cast adrift in a sea of rejection. She always has a reason why we can’t this time or makes promises for a later date which she doesn’t keep.
I’ve been loyal as a bulldog, helped around the house, listened to her, been there when she needed me, been tempted to stray numerous times, but I’ve never acted on it. Yet nothing. Like all I was good for was to be a sperm donor. The two or three times a year we do make love, she’s able to achieve orgasm. I do my “job” as her partner even at the expense if my own pleasure. I’ve prayed about this, communicated to her in a non-threatening way and still I’m made to feel as if I’m putting her out if I ask. I’m at a complete loss…and it’s killing me inside.
Our wedding vows said to have and to hold. Frustratingly I say, apparently that goes no further than holding my desires in permanent check.
It looks like I am in the same place as you Tim Mc. All in all, I’m aware of the fact that women seem to fall into three categories, 1) those who use sex to achieve something, in our cases to gain the affections of a man they like and want to get married to, 2) those who really rather wouldn’t have sex but do so out of religious obligation or fear of a violent man who is effectively raping them and 3) those who have what they want (or feel that they don’t have anything to benefit from giving sex away anymore) and also rightly don’t want to feel compelled to do something intimate if they don’t want to.
I suppose, as a husband, this is the sort of thing that we simply have to tolerate. What would you rather, have a wife who is driven to resentment for forcing herself to be intimate with a man she gets no benefit from being with? Or perhaps one that has to close her eyes and bear it because Yahweh or Allah will smite her otherwise?
There are a number of ways to reduce your libido: lots of coffee, staying up late, really pushing it in the gym. That’s what I do, because all you would otherwise be doing is just getting both of my frustrated and driving the relationship apart. Focus on other stuff and let do your part by letting single guys in on what they can realistically expect from marriage should be considering it.
I find that going to the gym increases my libido.
From reading these comments, I’m surprised at the number of men (who I assume are mostly Christians) who are being sexually deprived by their wives. I’m curious if this is statistically a problem in the majority of marriages. Obviously, men and woman are different biologically, especially as it seem to be in their sexual needs. But I have also read of great marriages where the husband and wife are sexually compatible and satisfied into their 70’s and 80’s.
Well I’ll say this, I’m taking comfort in the fact that I’m obviously not alone. However, I must confess not much you see for many years now. Since my second daughter was born my wife put her in the bed right in between us and that has never changed for 9 years now. I finally figured out why. She never really wanted me like that any longer. The best I can figure is that after children women stop wanting their husbands as sex was just a means to a end the children!
I, for years, would shower constantly, take way too long to dry off, lay around on the bed thinking she would come into the room and this never happened, ever. Oh she would pop in, but cleaning the trash can was way higher on the list than sex, so it must be my body, my hair, my beard, my not having a beard anymore, my lack of romance, my lack of helping around the house… Believe me, DO NOT WASTE your time. That’s not the problem.
Every time the conversation would go to “that’s all you men want.” What if I couldn’t have sex would you leave me? Of course not, I would reply… but you’re not sick. Truth is it’s not all we want. It makes us feel loved in a way that makes us special. It’s the only time we get this kind of hugging. kissing etc…
So then it must be we need more God, more church. Trust me, that made it way worst WAY worse… just for me and her though!!! I’m in no way suggesting you turn away from God!!! because I did and blamed God for a while saying I did as you told me and look now, she really won’t even think of me in that way. Now it’s suddenly nasty and so am I for wanting it. Now what I miss most is very long wet kisses. You know the kind that are just fond memories now.
Anyway I digress, I now have tried to move into my own room. At least I could have my own space, and besides I have so much built up animosity toward her now I don’t want to touch her as it would be just sex period, pants back on, going back to my room. I love her and don’t want to think of her that way… but it is what it is.
I lost years thinking I could do anything right, and ladies, if you love money, give your husbands sex. He will be the man at work at business, at going out thinking he can do anything, and without it he will feel like me. I don’t care it doesn’t matter, and well hopeless.
I have even thought why both living? No one will miss me but that’s not true. My children do love me and thank God that’s enough. I said that to say ladies. Sex is VERY important to your husband. It’s what makes you different from all the other women and believe me, if they’re like me they get approached a lot by other women, A LOT. They don’t want that; they want you!!!
So I have now, as I said, moved out of my wife’s room and into mine. I have shut down on her emotionally. In my mind we are roommates and it’s making it easier for me, bottom line. Just stop caring and feeling and you’ll feel way less hurt. You’re not going to leave your kids period, right? So good luck to you all.
Hollis, you and so many other men who have commented on this web site (and other web sites) have really touched my heart. To stay, when your wife has decided to dictate what goes on in the bedroom, and what goes on in your intimate life together (or lack there-of), is so very difficult… I realize that. I SO commend you that you aren’t cheating (as you said you wouldn’t in your wedding vows), and you are staying for your kids, so their lives don’t have to be so upset, plus, how much you would miss each other, if you left.
How I wish I could impress upon wives not to do this to their husbands –that just because they don’t understand the need, doesn’t make it any less real. God has used me to help wake up some wives… but there are still so many that jet don’t get it. And the same goes for husbands that don’t communicate with their wives, help around the house, and help with the kids… that just because the husbands don’t see the need, doesn’t make it right to ignore it, as if there isn’t one.
Again, to Hollis, and other men who have been really trying to be there for their wives and yet their wives aren’t there for them in the ways that they need it and don’t connect in intimate ways with their husbands… I support you with my admiration and my prayers. Thank you for hanging in there, being faithful, and being there for your children. In a world where so many go the unfaithful route, plus leaving their children behind, you are a beacon of light, despite the darkness going on around you. I truly admire your faithfulness. I just want you to know that.
My wife just wanted kids and someone to pay the bills. Asking her to get a job, get busy in bed with me, hearts and flowers, dates, was all a waste of time. She would participate in bed 3 or 4 times a year and quickly get dressed with the lights out, no kissing. This went on for years. I drifted at work, got down, and fat.
I don’t think all talking helps. Women will be dormant until a superior fit, confident, wealthy prince comes along and she will drop her panties in a heartbeat. Women are not loyal left to their own devices, even less than men.
What helps? Get in superior physical condition. I mean pack on muscle, eat vegetables, fruit, fish, and lean meat. A man’s pheromones are off if you ate even one fast food meal in the last few days.
I did this and began getting laid almost every month. Is that enough? NO. But I regressed, and am pushing forward again. Women on the street are beginning to notice me again after decades. I won’t quit. Put in P90X in your DVD player or lift weights. Sleep well at night. Maybe your wife is mentally off, or too dumb to take care of her marriage. Well then, it’s up to us if we become aware of what’s going on.
Even if you’re getting older, you can still transform your body with discipline. Respect yourself, and she might too. In any event, you’ll feel good again, your work will go better, and you’ll have better times with your family.
Believe me, my marriage may not go well, but this fundamental change of treating my body as a temple to God has made an enormous difference. When I do get lucky, I enjoy it a lot more!
Honoring your body as a “temple of God” does NOT include dishonoring other women by having relationships with them, when you took the vow of marriage. Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly –because your wife is dishonoring you, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They aren’t. We’re sorry for your pain… truly. But even when your spouse does wrong, it doesn’t give you a license to do wrong, in response. Be an honorable man, one way or another.
And also, please don’t put all women in the category of doing wrong by withholding, and/or being “too dumb” to take care of our marriages. That doesn’t give women like me enough credit (who wouldn’t “drop her panties in a heartbeat” when another man comes along, “confident” … “wealthy” or otherwise). Also, it dishonors women who have husbands who do wrong, and yet they’re trying to still do the right thing regardless. Some husbands do wrong and some wives do wrong, and this shouldn’t be, in either case. Taking care of your body is good, but getting it ready to be “lucky” as other women notice… is NOT treating your body “as a temple of God.”
I do not give in to the temptations and cheat. I do recognize that now & again occasionally women I encounter have a palpable sexual reaction to me. It is not a choice, just a reaction and I do not pursue it. Women at their base want the highest quality genetic male to reproduce with who will also provide for them. The majority of women and men are stupid and follow their instincts.
A woman who is not self aware, or following wriitten biblical commands will ruin her marriage by not nurturing or engaging with her husband after this primal need is met. Men are sometimes loyal, and women even less so. That is why there are always a few men who sire a lot more children with many women. Women are genetically programmed to be sexually dormant until awakened by ‘love’ by a superior male.
Ever watch those daytime shows testing who’s my baby’s daddy? Only the law keeps women loyal. Women will forget how good the sex was the last time they had it. Then go years without it. Women also forget the pain of childbirth. The most intellectual of women can’t seem to keep a husband let alone all the other ones still recalling their glory days when every man with a pulse wanted to give them preferential treatment as well as have intercourse with them. Women and men must understand our basic humanity to function as Christians.
I understand, brother. I’ve been through the entire cycle thinking something was wrong with me, wondering if there were other issues, etc. It has nothing to do with me. She thinks sex is nasty though she was a lot of fun before marriage. I try to be a gentleman and take into account her feelings. I’ve even asked for some time together. There’s always an excuse. No explanation. Or, she simply rolls over and goes to sleep?
So, I’m at the point where it is obvious she does not care that this greatly hurts me. She does not appear to have any concern at all. It’s all about her. So, would I be the bad guy for saying enough, filing for divorce, and starting over?
Wow, sounds like my life. Don’t do divorce. I’ve been down that almost road and the other side is just as bad but less time with the kids. Love my wife and I know she loves me. I would joke sometime and call her “roommate”. I just think it’s really time for someone to let women know that they too have responsibilities to the happiness of the family. God made women the center of the family (and men need to act as if the woman is!) but this holds lots of responsibilities and the biggest is self awareness.
Be aware if others (and things) are becoming a wedge between your husband and family. If your husband is trying to love you, really love you, you need to also try. And “try” holds no tally. Fight as if it’s the fight of your life to show each other at all times that they are #1. Always, always, always, put they other first and show it. Someone once told me, “within 5 seconds of meeting someone, they should know you are a Christian.” And that should apply to being married and how in love you are with your spouse (women too!).
Your stories are all so horrible (not a laughing matter). I think mine sounds more of a bugging fly. Mine is a frequency issue. My wife wants it much less than I do, she’s so overworked both at her workplace & home chores that she sleeps more often, and is too tired to even consider sex. But that doesn’t lessen my desire for regular satisfying sex from her. I’m tempted daily to just seek for a young lass to quietly fulfill my legitimate hunger but I would feel terribly sinful & my conscience just wouldn’t allow me. She isn’t too keen to discuss the issues either. We are 12 yrs married, with 2 lovely kids.
6 years ago we had a son then she would not let me touch her. My wife and I have been married 11 years and I haven’t had any sex with my wife in about 4 months. And only about maybe 8 or 9 times since he was born. I’ve tried to talk to my pastors. They never have the time. There is no one to talk to about it. Porn is the only friend I have.
I’ve been married 12 and since our two children were born it’s been the same for me. We had sex more often before we were married than since, but don’t be discouraged. Porn is not your friend and it never will be. Those women are paid to pretend that they enjoy what’s being done to them, they don’t. Most of them are high on something while shooting those videos because they find the reality of what they’re doing too disgusting to to live with sober. Porn perpetuates a lie that there are women in the world who want that. The truth is there are none. No woman, anywhere, ever wanted that.
I struggle with this just like you. The rejection is painful, but my wife simply has no sexual desire. There is no miracle cure, no therapy, no counseling that’s going to change that. God made her that way just like he made me this way. I don’t understand it, but I trust that he knew what he was doing. I love my wife and I made her a promise for better or worse when we got married. The dry spells are the “worse” part in my opinion, but I’m a man of my word and I’ll be darned if I break it, no matter what it costs.
Women are asleep until you awaken them sexually. Read the posts: we have sex 3 times a year and when we have it she enjoys it. Then nothing. Women cannot remember from one time to the next. They even forget the pain of childbirth. Women will be sexless, then some super genetic male will make them do ‘crazy’ things out of character. This is part of their animal side. Society controls our women by shaming them, and teaching men not to be cuckolds. Men and women in marriage must be self aware of our different reproductive drives. That is why the least educated members of our society are always saying, who’s the baby’s daddy?
I got a wife who was damaged to the core socially and sexually, and even so, my new awareness of our differences has brought a blessing of sex at least a few times a year.
After our daughter was born (about 10 years in our marriage) our sex life diminished. Six years later (three years ago) it stopped. I’ve always been a kind loving and faithful husband but despite trying everything in the book she just told me she didn’t want to make love. She gained 50 pounds and I thought it was her own self image and I tried to help her get in shape but she won’t have any of it. I thought perhaps it was me and so I worked out. That didn’t help. I’ve, of course, kept praying and I still pray. Lately I’ve turned to pornography, which I find helps me fight temptation in the real world. I know it’s wrong and it makes me feel guilty. The lack of intimacy has made me lonely.
We all have our stories of who’s right and wrong. I too am married for 20+ years. It seems like after the intitial crash of knowing that you won’t be getting any sex, the feeling just begins to draw itself in many other situations. Soon it becomes this. Then it spreads to that. And now we find ourselves paying some massage chic to do what our wives won’t.
I feel bad. But as time goes on, the cheating feeling doesn’t feel so bad. But I’m just frightend about what God is going to do to me for my mistakes. I want to say that my wife likes to make love. But she doesn’t. She has put on about 30 lbs and thinks that there’s a pill that can burn it away without lifting a pencil. If I try to help with any suggestions she takes it all wrong. And again, I’m left with no one to talk to or to hear me. I’ve gotten use to letting things go when it has to do with my wife. We’re both still kinda young. We’re both 40. And as long as we have been married you would think that we have it together. NOT.
My wife told me about 6 years ago not to make love to her any more. I was doing it for my own pleasure. Not true. Not just my own pleasure, I thought. 12 months ago she owned up to an affair 33 years ago, which she didn’t know I knew about. However she also told me that my eldest daughter wasn’t mine, which I didn’t know.
God told her to tell me. The truth sets you free apparently. Well its destroyed me. I am now suffering with serious depression. I am probably going to have affairs. I’ve always been faithful but I don’t think I will be any more. As a Christian she thought I would say I forgive all involved. She was wrong. I dealt with it years ago and forgave her. I’ve lost my faith. I have told her that I used up all my forgiveness on her. I am now twisted with hate, suicidal and worse.
I still love my wife but she has shown few signs of wanting me sexually despite telling me that she would like to be intimate again. I won’t ever ask again. Is there any hope? I don’t feel that life is worth living any more. The only thing that keeps me going is my 4 children and grandchildren.
Hey Fred. I am not going to tell you that you must do this or that. I am not one to give advice due to the fact that I’m not an honest person when it comes to my wife. If I were going to give advice I know that it would not mean much. All I can say to you my friend, is whatever you do, don’t give yourself away to the dirt. You have lots to attend to whether you’re with or without the wife.
None of us are saints. None of us are useless. We all have a purpose in life. And soon, very soon, you too, my friend, will see the light at the end.
I chose to give my love to those who are not decent people. I don’t like to have real sex with women. I just allow them to play with my endings. It’s not a wise decision. I hope you find reason to get up. Thanks for sharing your issiues. Don’t feel left alone. We’re all in the same boat.
Fred, how are you since your April posting?
The intimacy in my marriage has been terrible since day 1. I’ve had a few revelations in my life over the last week. I still desire sex, but not with my wife. All the years of rejection(12) have taken their toll.
Message to the spouses out there who refuse their spouse: Sooner or later we will stop coming around, we will simply be to you what you’ve been to use for all those years which is nothing more than a roommate.
Amen brother. First wife cut me off at 28 yrs old. Spent the next 10 years trying to figure out what went wrong, why it was happening, who was to blame, and how to fix it. Over time blame took a new twist and I wasn’t sure who was to blame anymore, because I quit trying too. Out of a 24 year marriage, all we were was depressed, angry, and very lonely roommates. At 38 I cheated and then divorced her. Now after 5 years of being remarried, the same thing is happening. Why can’t women understand that even though sex may not help to make a marriage better, it will help from making it get worse.
It’s been many, many years since my wife and I have had sex. She suffered a botched gynaecological procedure which nearly killed her and absolutely killed our sex life – not that it was so great beforehand. Since then, she has suggested that I have casual sex with other women. This has been a relief, because until then, I started using cocaine in an unsuccessful effort to kill my sexual desires, to match our dead sex life. Since having started an affair with another woman, a widow with a high sex drive, I’m now drug free.
This is not what a marriage is supposed to be about. What do you suggest, other than reading the Scriptures?
When Jesus said to the prostitute “…go and sin no more” (out of context) I have been thinking about this for sometime. I have come to the realization that sin is a word used in judgement and usually when it violates the Commandments (Old Testament). I also know Jesus came to teach love and forgiveness and countered teachings such as “an eye for an eye” (Old Testament).
The bottom line is for me the Golden Rule that seems to frame it all. With that in mind if I continue to be denied my marital rights to sex with my healthy mate I am no longer married in principle, only in law (certainly not in the eyes of God). The marriage can no longer be called that and needs to be terminated if at all possible. Sometimes that can’t happen until later for many reasons. In my case not for many yrs, perhaps never until “death do us part”.
In my moral judgement that makes me a free man but only with the principle of “bring no harm” so I will be discreet but not filled with guilt.
Frustrated, I feel the same way. I have been with my wife for over 34 years but have been married for only three. We never even consummated the marriage and have not been intimate in all that time. I’ve been very patient and have been a good husband. Even before getting married I was faithful and we had two children.
I should have seen the warning though as when she first got pregnant she told me that I didn’t have to stay because she wouldn’t always be alone. That hurt but, because of my own dysfunctional childhood, I swore to myself that no one else would raise that child. Things were ok and we had another child nine years later who is still at home finishing college and has a commitment with the Air Force upon graduation.
The problem is no matter what I do she seems to never want to get intimate anymore. She is very religious and goes to mass/confession several times a week. She has also been working out and has lost a couple inches around her waist. My gut tells me she is not faithful but she swears she is. Last weekend we had a few drinks while watching movies and later I tried to initiate some intimacy but she totally rebuffed me. I got really frustrated and told her what I think. Now we aren’t talking, I’m sleeping on the couch and seriously thinking of ending this roommate thing once my son is gone.
Mainly because of health issues, there have been times when we were not intimate for a lengthy period. I understand that. However, whenever my wife goes through an emotional stressful time she pulls away. She continues with all other aspects of her life but sex. Why is this? Is it normal, women?
Soon she will sleep with him. Women can’t help it if they’re turned on by another man. It doesn’t matter if you’re nice. Women are more sexually driven to reproduce with a quality fatger than find someone to pay their bills. Become a better man, disengage from her while you do this. Don’t let her run your relationship. Women are even less loyal than men.
My wife put me in a position where I can’t even think. I’ve been afraid to ask for love sometimes because I know what the answer is going to be. She’s 21 and I’m 24. I don’t know what’s going on. I see you guys have been touched by the Lord to know your husband’s needs. I’m reading this post and it makes me so emotional to see how willing you guys are to satisfy your husband. All I can say is keep up the good work.
I am unmarried and find this article reassuring. I wonder that two people feel called to get married and one or the other rejects sexual connection. I yearn for this wonderful intimacy in a safe context and wonder, when will God provide the right man for me. I am busy becoming the right woman – but this is very trying. Thank you for this message. I also believe that for many people who were not sexually abused as children, that do not enjoy sex, may be asexual. You could include some information about that. Take care.
I’m very sorry for the couples who don’t make love to each other anymore. That’s what it should be “love” and less about sex. Women are very emotional and if you require “sex” from your wife then you show her “love” first. Words are emotional “sex” for women! Example: Keep telling her she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world and don’t grab at her breasts, bum and vagina. That’s a turn off. Please ask youself why she’s less focused on sex and how you can make her to feel appreciated and truly loved without pressuring her.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. We have children, mortgage and life pressures like everyone else. But… We have sex all the time and honestly it starts from our deep respect and love for each other. The physical side of sex stems from it. Men… Respect her boundraries. Not all women enjoy oral sex, anal sex and nasty dirty talk as the media leads you to believe. I think you should focus being more love centered and allow the physical side of sex to blossom.
If you are truly stuck, get professional help in couple therapy. Men do you truly know what turns on your wife? It’s not your penis. Clean the house, thank her for the little things that she does for you and the family, go take the kids camping by yourself and give your wife some space to herself so she can start to recharge her energy, don’t make her feel guilty because you didn’t get laid again, stop acting like a kid that didn’t get his way as it’s a huge turn off. If you’ve lost touch with your wife physically, you must figure out and reconnect with her emotionally before she’ll welcome you inside of her again.