I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Thank God for you and this read! Reading your insight was like looking into my wife’s brain. I understand more but wish I could have her read this. She doesn’t want to talk about it and will say “it’s you that has the overactive problem”. Once a month, if that, isn’t overactive or healthy of a 20 year long marriage. I’ve tried everything and yet she says that she loves me more today then when we met. Your husband is blessed you have become so insightful as to your own faults and inabilities. Wish I could get my wife to stop projecting blame and look within for the answer. Thanks again for reassuring I’m not nuts!
I’m on the verge of crashing because of the attitude of my wife. I’m male 38, slim, tall, fair, not bad in looks, not abusive, non-drinker, occasional smoker i.e. only when I’m alone or out of home, never in front of wife or kids or family. She knows it. I had a successful business and it suffered a lot due to my personal problems like I’m always tense because wife doesn’t wants to sleep with me. Lack of concentration made me sell it, and do free lance web stuff. My wife aged 35 is pretty, slim, I love her a lot, she knows it. I do take care of everything but then after dinner all she wants is sleep; she’s neither having an affair nor talks with any other man.
Earlier we had sex in evenings, before dinner but now she doesn’t want to sleep with me. Even if I woke her at night at 2, she comes to another room and enjoys an hour or so and back to the bedroom where the kids sleep and next she’s fast asleep. I’m kicked out of the bedroom and sleep in my SOHO where I’ve put a bed. I initially started sleeping here thinking she would care and either shift to this room or make the kids sleep here and we’ll sleep in the bedroom, but I’m left alone here.
I once asked her to visit a doctor and it led to a huge fight, not physical but verbal. She called her parents saying she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. Seriously just because I loved you and want to be with you all night? I’m not a porn star, but All I wanted you to give me is a feeling of togetherness. Is that a crime? You’re the mother of my 2 kids and I cannot be allowed to be with you???
My parents are 75+ and they still sleep in same bedroom. That’s a togetherness, which helped my father survive terminal liver cancer. He’s doing well for the last 4 years when it was detected. They’re in a different city and it was really painful for me to tell them all this truth.
I think this is some physical problem, which she is suffering from, or a bad influence from my mother-in-law, as her mother also left her father and she lives with her son in different city, saying the 1 yr kid needs me to take care of him. My father-in-law is an old man, who needs care, but he’s not willing to leave his home town and my mother-in-law doesn’t wants to leave her grandson. She calls my wife and they talk everyday. If she has briefed her on anything this thing is costing me peace of mind and my life. Why doesn’t her mother ask her son to sleep in a different room and not allow him near his wife? That’s what’s happening in my life due to her daughter asking her son to feel the pain for 10 years.
If this is something, which needs a doctor, I’ve a gynecologist in close relatives who would take care of it as she’s like a mother to me and she loves me a lot. But my wife fights whenever I ask her to tell her our problem. She says I feel shy in talking to her for anything, which is related to sex…
I’m so depressed, I’ve never cheated on my wife, but now it’s time. I feel like leaving them and go to foreign place to work or have an affair or even take a step to end myself. We have no physical or sexual disease and we always enjoyed sex. Now for 15 days she’s not talking to me properly, just because I complain about sex frequency and togetherness.
In a week I’m going to my parents place for 10-12 days, as my parents need medical attention and I need to be there for them. Seriously I don’t feel like coming back. I’m depressed a lot, I cry when alone, I’ve lot of friends but I’ve never shared my pain because I, being a center of attraction, would be face-palmed when I tell what’s going on inside the house.
I also have a couple of female friends whom I know for 5-6 yrs. We never talked in facebook a lot, but on chat we’ve become quite good friends. We share everything related to family, work, kids etc but with one of them, whom I explained everything to, she says she’s surprised to hear all this. She me told to involve parents, and doctors, but nothing helped me. Can someone here suggest something to me? I want to live happily, not like this.
I’m going to tell all you guys a little secret. You are all married to passive aggressive, bi-polar women. End of story. Be prepared to kiss some serious butt if you want to get lucky but you can’t make it obvious. Don’t argue with them ever and agree with everything they say even though you think they are crazy and you’ll be strapping a board to your backside before the night is over. Fixing the toilet or buying some new cologne helps also. Real Talk.
That’s an interesting take on women. I’ve been married 34 years and am not bi-polar, but admit to passive aggression on occasion. In my case, my husband and I waited for marriage to have sex and loved it in the beginning. But I quickly began losing desire for him –not my libido –because the guy who courted me began to disappear and a rather snotty guy showed up. He snapped at me for little things, like not handing him the correct screwdriver, or driving like a woman, or not knowing what I was talking about on almost any subject. In the beginning he encouraged my thoughts and opinions. Not long after marriage he took issue with almost all of them. When I mentioned that he didn’t do this as we dated his response was that he “got” me and now doesn’t have to listen to my drivel and nonsense any more.
He travelled a lot for work and when he came home he was all over me, then would roll over and zonk out because he was so tired from work-related stress and travel. Next day, grumpiness and more snapping at me, more shooting down my concerns, ideas, opinions, whatever. But he would sneak grabs here, pinches there, and fondling when my hands were full and I was vulnerable. Then as soon as the baby, or later the kids were in bed he was all over me again. I’d try to explain that he was mean all day and killed my desire for him, but he’d insist that we could make up with sex. “I really do love you, he’d say. “I don’t know why I act like that. I’m just so stressed with work and all.” And sometimes he’d actually say, “I’m sorry.” But the next day, it started again as if make-up sex never happened.
Then he began with how boring sex was. We needed spice. We needed variation. But he was still just as mean and impatient all day, but wanted a porn star at night. Seven years into the marriage I finally told him I wasn’t in love with him any more… that being in love had died under the weight of his daily treatment. I explained that I needed to feel in love to want to have sex, and that feeling in love was how I felt while we dated and were first married. I didn’t need perfection, but somewhat of a return to how he was during those days was imperative for me to hope to fall in love again and to have any sexual desire for him. He agreed that he had changed and understood how I felt. He asked for 5 things he could do that I missed from the “before” him and he vowed to bring them back over the next 3 months. I made a little card he wanted to put in his wallet as a daily reminder of these 5 things.
He didn’t do them even once. After several months he said he found “being sincerely interested in my job, my thoughts, and hopes” was just not there for him. Indeed, he felt a lot of it was silly, stupid, or boring. He claimed not snapping at me was unrealistic and a burden on him. He claimed guys just do those things. And so on.
Through prayer I’ve been able to hold on. But I’ve become one of the wives many have talked about here on this thread. I had sex as little as possible, and when I did I gritted my teeth and counted the minutes till he’d roll over. I’ve grown from disillusioned young bride, to struggling to resolve the issues, to dreading night time and those early morning erections, and finally bitter resentment of his damnable libido that never dwindles while my emotional needs have never been met and have even been disparaged.
So I’m not bi-polar… I’m just always depressed. He wouldn’t go to counseling, so I went alone and have taken medication for 25 of our 34 years together so I could remain true to my vows of “for better or worse.”
He got prostate cancer almost 10 years ago. After surgery he was without half the nerves needed for erections, so he cannot do intercourse any more, but still requires the other means of sex. For me, oral sex is especially difficult, even abhorrent without feeling in love. I did it till a year ago, along with various fetishes he adopted to compensate for the nerve damage. Yet as the years have passed, he has become even harsher, and more difficult and demanding. I’ve pulled away emotionally to a safe place in my heart, but he isn’t there at all. I hate sex now in all its various forms. I hate that I can love him as my children’s father and as a grandfather, but I don’t love him as a husband. He sometimes says these past few years that he doesn’t know how I put up with him in the past and he’s going to do better. But he doesn’t. And if I say anything, I’m either demanding, immature, or unrealistic.
So gentlemen, look inward. How do you treat your wife each day? Maybe you take out the garbage, but forget the foul garbage you spew from your lips toward her. Maybe you help around the house, but belittle or undermine her views. Do you disagree while still validating her viewpoint? Do you scream, yell, curse, mutter degrading comments, poke fun of her in social settings, mock her privately and/or publicly and then swiftly try to “excuse” it by claiming, “Just kidding!”? Do you push her to be a little raunchier in bed, or shake things up when you’re bored even though you’ve been unkind at times throughout the day?
If you treated this woman during dating the way you treat her in marriage, would she have accepted your proposal?
From my experience I believe these wives aren’t in love with you any more and that’s why they don’t want you sexually. They may love you, but they’re definitely not in love with you any more. And you’re the one who killed that love –not them. Some may have let you do it without much of an effort to reach out to you to save it, but it’s you who did the killing. When women are in love, they can heartily have sex even if their own libido doesn’t match yours. But without emotional fulfillment only you can provide, romantic love dies.
My son became a counselor. He teaches his clients that men need sex to want to be emotionally intimate. Yet women need emotional intimacy to want to have sex. If men don’t get sex, they have no desire to be emotionally intimate, and some don’t even when they do have sex. They’re emotionally bankrupt and cannot pay their marriage debt in that way. When women don’t have emotional intimacy, their sexual desire for their mate dwindles and can even die. It doesn’t mean they don’t have a libido… they just don’t want to fulfill it with someone who hurts them emotionally. And men may desire emotional intimacy… just not with their mate if they are hurt by lack of sexual intimacy.
So getting it every 3 months, or once a year is a dead giveaway that desire for you is dwindling because your emotional intimacy with her is sorely lacking. She’ll probably say it isn’t you –that’s what I did for years and years. I just couldn’t hurt his feelings even though it was the truth. Plus, the few times I tried, he blasted me with loud and mean wrath, so I learned not to go there fairly quickly. She’ll say it’s her fatigue, hormones, busy schedule, stress, and a hundred other things that definitely contribute to lower libido. But the true cause is that she just isn’t in love with you any more because you drove the romance into the ground in your own unique ways. You maybe didn’t mean to. And maybe you even knew you should do better and be better than you have been. But it just didn’t seem that big a deal to you how you treated her, and if you’re honest, you thought it shouldn’t be that big a deal to her either. After all, emotional intimacy is probably not even on your radar or is a distant blip… you may even shudder at the thought of it, or feel nothing at all. Or you count it as a female thing and not your “problem.”
But it’s a need to one degree or another for almost all humans, and more especially, for women. They need it fulfilled by you to want you sexually. Libido doesn’t DRIVE women to sex nearly as much as emotional intimacy does. Your libido drives you to sex, no emotional connection necessary. It may be nice to add, but it isn’t necessary.
Both partners must safely speak and hear one another’s needs and desires without rejection, mocking, or discouragement. Both must be willing to be the person they were while dating every day of your vows. And since none are perfect but God, we must be willing to forgive, but far more importantly to swiftly correct our own hurtful behaviors, rather than justifying them.
I told my husband about a year ago that I’m done with sex, fetishes especially. I told him I’m willing to move to an apartment since he said he didn’t want to be around me if I’m not available sexually. I explained that most of the time he seems exasperated with me at best, and actually dislikes me at worst. Our kids are grown. I think I’d be happier on my own than to live like this my remaining years. His take is that he worked his butt off for me to give me a nice house –where he helps pick up things, does the dishwasher, and takes out the trash more than I. He thinks many women would be thrilled to have the life he gave me. He thought things would fulfill my emotional needs. He doesn’t even know what they are any more, nor does he care to. I have other emotional needs filled by myself, my family, friends, service to others, and especially by God.
But the ones he covenanted to fulfill he left abandoned and sometimes stomped on. I gave sex, albeit grudgingly most of our years. My bitterness toward sex with him made our marriage bed unholy and unsanctified. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if I just should have left so that bitterness would not have grown the way it did. That’s ungodly, so I should have left rather than delude myself that with time, effort and God’s help, we could fall in love again. Yet almost every couple I know who divorced found that within 5 years of remarriage they were back in the same old boats once again.
Anyway, that’s my contribution to this very sad discussion of love unfulfilled for us all. We can only change ourselves, not the other person. But there are consequences to our choices, our ignorance, arrogance, pride, resentment, unkindness, and stubbornness –all of which are the opposite of LOVE. We say we love each other. But obviously, we lie.
WOW! You are so articulate in how you expressed the secrets of your home, and so real. I’m so sad for you… and for your husband –that he doesn’t even realize all he has lost through the years. Thank you for your honesty… and for reaching out to others to try to wake them up to what could be their truth too. I pray God uses it for good, and pray for you and for your husband –that God helps you, as you most need it. My heart is with you and your tears… may the Lord minister to your heart.
Thank you Cindy. Our God is so merciful and true. Keep up his blessed work.
Thank You Mydeepestsecrets, great post, you spoke for many of us. I feel and felt like you for many of the 27 years of my marriage. In very similar situation. One more time I hear how fortunate I should feel for having roof over my head and food on my table and how much he worked to provide that I think I will throw up (in reality I worked harder and made more money hands down than he did). One more time I hear how boring I am and how mechanical I am and again I will throw up. I only live one life and maybe that big negative, condescending and increasingly critical baggage needs to be left for someone else to tackle. And I’m sure my God will understand.
Your husband revealed his lack of character when he stated those words after “you got me…” Yours is case that is legitimate. He thought you owed him for providing. He duped you by pretending to be into you just to change after the band was slipped on.Of course you would shut down. We owe each other for being there for each other.
For most of us, we are not that man. We thought we were building the dream, being the dad, husband, fun-guy, domestic partner in every sense of the word while our wives fall in to disenchantment. Our dependability gets boring to our wives and they are not even impressed with pursuit, gifts and nice gestures are met with fear that “oh great, he will expect sex from me”.
The number one priority for us men is sex and is the first thing to stop after marriage. It is crushing, depressing and beyond stressful. Thank you for your story. You sound like a saint for your patience. Sad in Florida”. 28 years and counting.
I’m about to have my relationship with my only wife, she is in shape but a bit too skinny, not pretty face, just okay & small breasts & above all she is not as smart as I wish, but it is a fixed marriage. On the other side she is obedient, respectful, & could be sexy. Any advice?
My advice is that you accept her the way she is and love her with all your heart. She is your wife and if you love her…you will see a side of her that will be more appealing than her physical appearance. When I say love her…I mean put your her needs ahead of your own (Ephesians 5:23), treat her with the utmost respect (1 Peter 3:7), and demonstrate the fruits of the spirit when interacting with her (Galatians 5:22-23). This is hard, but you will see a more attractive side to her if you practice these scriptures in your marriage.
AA, I agree with TJ’s answer. I have seen women I am not especially attracted to but thought if she respected me and was a true “Help-Meet”, I would feel contented and love her well. Learn to appreciate she is there for you and has not abandoned you. Do as TJ states and she will become the most beautiful women you have ever seen. We all have had beautiful women who show us no respect, loyalty and reject us year after year. Love the treasure you just described.
Face, body, and breasts are temporary. Her obedience and respectful attitude is a benefit. Thank God for her qualities every day of your marriage. The way you treat her is eternal. Don’t mention to her the things you mentioned above about her. Strive to think along the lines of eternal behavior.
Don’t be negative about her (I’ve done that; it does not lead to good). Be an uplifter as the Bible teaches. Encourage her, help her, support her, love her as Jesus Christ loves the church. Make Christ as your priority, but don’t expect for her heart to go the same way. Pray hard and long for her daily. Watch God do His divine work. Put your trust in Him. You cannot force anyone; each one chooses. God has given us that freedom, but because of sin in us, we often desire the wrong or don’t desire what God wants us to desire.
If you can help your wife know Christ more, then your marriage will be in unity and satisfying. Once you have that -no large breasts, and no pretty face, or an education, which she might have will bring you so much pleasure as a wife who knows and desires Christ and follows a husband who loves her despite the above you have mentioned. Don’t believe the lie of the media. It’s a trap.
For me 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says it all. When Christian couples marry…it is assumed both people will try their best to live by the Word. When one partner start choosing to disobey certain scripture(s), but expect their partner to try his or her best to obey them all…it causes maximum frustration. No marriage is perfect, and neither of the parties involved…but one thing is clear…A couple should fight hard to obey the Word. In my opinion…this is no different.
obviously written by a man who does not understand a woman who has been thru sex abuse!
Wrong! This was written by a woman who DOES understand sexual abuse. I’m that woman (not a man, never have been) and I WAS a sexual abuse victim. I no longer am. It took a LOT of time, effort, and counseling to get to a healthy place in my life, beyond those nightmares. I even wrote about it in the following article: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/when-past-sexual-abuse-affects-a-marriages-intimacy/.
But even so, who is saying that this article is about sexual abuse? There is NOTHING written or implied that this applies to sexually abused women. This is NOT, nor are any articles posted on this web site ones that apply the principle of “one-size-fits-all.” If you have been or are being sexually abused, you need to work on that issue, most likely with a competent, marriage-friendly counselor, and then you have the possibility of seeing intimacy in marriage in a different way. I had to work on me first… not continually projecting my victimization by other men upon my husband.
It took me a while to wake up to the fact that my husband didn’t abuse me… other men did. He didn’t understand what I was going through, nor could he. But he certainly didn’t deserve to become victimized by me because I was victimized earlier in life. Somehow I justified “cutting him off” because of what had happened to me, figuring he should just understand. There is NO way he could. Unless you’ve lived through something like that, you can’t. I finally woke up to the fact that I needed to work on this issue. Something was broken in me because of what happened. But to stay broken, that’s another matter.
Because I married and pledged my love to my husband, I needed to make it my mission in life to work on my brokenness. As a result of the work I went through, I came to the place where I COULD more fully give myself to my husband, which is a natural part of being married. Intimacy in marriage is a natural thing –not an evil thing. Marriage is not about me, but we. I could go on and on about this, but I’m hoping the article I referred you to (and others like it) will better address this issue.
Been married for three years. I have been craving my wife for 17 months. Its always, My Bladder, I hurt, I have a U.T.I. … Blah blah blah… I’m staying faithful. However, I’m now seeking counsel only because I feel if she’s not thinking of me then she’s thinking of another man. Yes, a month ago I asked if she was having an affair and she was hurt. I quickly apologized. Yet I’m human and didn’t marry for a friend. If that’s the case, I never would have asked. I’m considering divorce if the counseling doesn’t work for both of us of course. We pray, go to church, yet …ugggggg
Brother I feel your pain. Been married 15 years. Sex has never been good, even on our honeymoon it took 3 days to get some, then 4 years of celibacy. The only time that was “good” was when we decided to have kids. Then it was still only twice a week… Either way, now I’m lucky to get it once every other month.
Crying on my iPad in bed lying next to my beautiful sleeping wife….Where do I Start? I guess at this moment all I’d like to do is vent. I’m 30 years old, as is my wife. We’ve been married for almost five years. When we dated, intimacy wasn’t an issue at all. We unexpectedly became expecting very quickly in our relationship and now have a 3, almost 4 year old girl.
For the past 4 years, intimacy has been, on average, once a month. We have had countless talks and good intentions but here I am laying in bed, being emotional and have nothing to show for it but frustration and heartache. I thought I could fix things, I’m a fixer at heart, but no one can do on this one. I tried being more sensitive to her feelings, I’m in great shape, I take great care of our daughter I just am at wits end on how to move forward. I don’t want a divorce, I love my wife. I know she loves me. I just feel unloved when I’m rejected over and over by the one person I can go to for intimacy.
Her main excuse is always the same. “It’s always one or the other for you. Either we cuddle and have sex or we are separated in bed.” This is, however, untrue. And when I tell her how last night we cuddled and weren’t intimate or the night before it’s irrelevant. Because now her head hurts or her stomach or whatever other things she can conjure up. I would have more empathy if it was a once in a while thing but it’s not. I hate being a whiner, I just really don’t have anyone to vent to besides Jesus. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for the article. It’s a very needed topic amongst Christians. This area in our lives (young or old) is where the devil attacks us men the most because of our strong drive for sex. It’s especially hurtful when the wife who you love so much is not in unity with you.
I’m 9 years into our marriage with my beautiful wife, and we have 4 beautiful children. Our sex is regular, 1-3 times per week on occasion and I’m thankful to God for such a gift. I’ve got to say that it is by very few of my efforts that we have sex so often, but my wife understands the need for sex in marriage for both of us. Women have hormonal changes and I see the effects on her because of postpartum depression, but what drives my wife to enjoy sex with me is her commitment to Jesus Christ.
I would like to be as positive as possible to everyone with this issue in their marriage – PLEASE, PLEASE don’t fall face down into the devils trap… he has set men up in this way. “To debase the man of strong conviction is to destroy a race of Christians and a strong nation” …The bible talks a lot about suffering. This is your suffering. Endure it in Christ.
My heart goes out to you men and or woman whose spouse does not reply back with PHYSICAL LOVE of sex.
PLEASE, PLEASE be of good cheer. Your LORD and SAVIOR Jesus Christ knows what you are going through right now. My eyes are filled with tears for you as I’m writing this letter to you.
THIS LIFE IS BUT A VAPOR COMPARING TO ETERNITY WITH JESUS CHRIST. Don’t trade it for anything, especially to satisfy the need for sex apart from the marriage bed. Its a temporary pleasure. It’s a covenant you break. You say it’s easy for me to say because everything in my life is ok in this area. To break it to you – it wasn’t always like that. My wife and I had our own dips.
Apart from Jesus Christ a man or a woman cannot have satisfaction in life no matter how much sex you receive from your spouse. True satisfaction is found in knowing personally, pursuing, and acknowledging Jesus Christ as your personal savior from such a horrifying eternity in hell. PLEASE, PLEASE take your focus off of the temporary things in life and focus and live for the eternal things. Focus on building the Kingdom of our Savior Jesus Christ. Commit to Jesus in your mind and heart, commit your daily efforts and strength to pleasing Him instead of trying to please a spouse who is not thankful to God about you.
We just had a conference in our church about PURITY, specifically sexual purity. That was the topic at the conference.
If your spouse is a believer in Jesus Christ and a saved believer. I want to leave you with this thought, and if you can talk your spouse into hearing you out, you can say this to him or her: DENYING THE IMPORTANCE OF SERVING YOUR SPOUSE IN BED WITH SEX, IS THE SAME THING AS DENYING THE WHOLE TRUTH OF GOD IN THE BIBLE.
I’m not a counselor or a pastor. I’m just a saved sinner by Jesus Christ, still in need of grace daily, and a desire to please God through my life by choosing to be obedient to His word. But I’m also well aware that there is nothing I can do enough to save me apart from Jesus Christ as my advocate before the great white throne. This is the case with every human who commits to Christ.
I urge you – PLEASE, PLEASE commit to finding pleasure in committing your life to Jesus Christ and serving Him… Don’t forget that Jesus Christ came to serve not to be served… And He got a beating and death from those He so dearly loved. The desire for sex will not go away, but your focus can change.
One cannot be forced to give (sex in this situation), but it is our job to speak the truth to those who so desperately are in need of it (our spouse). I pray for all of you.
I wish my wife said a prayer like that. I try my best, I’ve lost weight and look normal, I’ve trained, my ability is good, I try to be nice. But seems to me that I’m all alone with my desires and wishes. I think about and want sex by myself, she’s obviously not. I’m alone. Alone.
If she doesn’t get aroused by anything that I try, how could she enjoy it? If she doesn’t enjoy it, how could she get aroused? Now that’s a classic “vicious circle” if you ask me.
I’m not proud to say this, I hate to say this, but almost as long as we’ve been together, I’ve deflected any attempts or hints of interest by other women. For the past 12 years or so. It’s not an issue of whether I’m faithful or not. Sometimes those hints make me suffer, a lot. I wish I could direct my desires towards and preferably into my wife. She’s my wife, not my girlfriend. One of the reasons for a marriage, at least for me, is having sex with a regular partner. I don’t want sex from every woman on the street.
Sure, we have kids and jobs. But that’s not an excuse. Sex should be easy, nice and fun – something to wait for, something to be desired as soon as possible. Yesterday, we had a time alone. We cuddled a lot. But I had to ask for more. I had to ask. It wasn’t something she wanted at all. But she finally relented. “Get the job done”, you know? I tried my best, I had a hard-on, we started the intercourse. But I just couldn’t hold it, I just couldn’t do it by myself. I need a response and I need to feel loved and desired too. I can’t just do it alone.
Thank you for this piece of knowledge. Recently I had this enlarged pituitary gland issue, which affected my sexual life so much that I couldn’t satisfy my wife for months. I used enhancement pills, reduced my weight and did everything to end that plague but couldn’t untill I consulted medical assistance.
But now, after I got cured, I feel like making love to my wife everyday or at least 3-4 times a week. The problem now is, she has changed. She has stopped the way she used to ask me for sex. These days I beg her for sex for days and weeks but she won’t give in. Sometimes I feel like cheating on her but I can’t because of God. In a nutshell, I feel trapped in this marriage because of this. What do I do because she thinks I’m a man and should be able to control myself but in summary, I’m fed up. She’s been saying she’ll go to hospital but not that serious in doing so. I’m really really fed up now.
If I may say, give yourself some credit. God is not involved in our sex lives. You do not cheat because you are a good person. Maybe it’s not that complicated. Get back to the basics. Make her laugh, let her see you cry, charm and wow her with little love notes and remember what she likes, picnics, concerts or whatever, and do that. I am a 50 yr. old, post menopausal woman that cares less if I ever have sex again, and it’s sucks to feel that way. I cannot control that. But, with my silly, loving and patient husband, the more we do, the more I like. And don’t forget to hold her hand. Hope it helps!
Nkem, Christi gave you the worst advice I have seen so far. I want you to know that God is involved in every aspect of our lives and have instructions for us to follow so that we can stand upright in success. Remember to put God first. As this article stated, sex is physical, emotional and spiritual. Make sure the spiritual part of your relationship is fortified. This can be accomplished through prayer and reviewing God eternal word. Although we all have a personal relationship with God, build a relationship as a couple; start praying together because God loves our prayers. You will witnesses the power.
Sorry, I’m going to have to disagree. IF you are a true believer in God then you need to know he is in ALL ASPECTS of your life! And yes that means your sex life too. Your opinion doesn’t out weigh God’s word!
Every individual marriage is different. But my problem is that my husband feels this need every time I’m busy. I devote my morning to him. Why is it I have to give in to all his needs? He always ends up getting upset and tells me I do it deliberately to hurt him, which is not the case. He is so clueless, and neither will he listen to any one. Help!!!
Hi. I read your comment and I would like to reply. Being a man I like that my wife behaves as I want when I want. I suggest you, that you do as your husband wants. Give him the time what he wants. Do as he wants. If he wants you to be the first to ask for love/sex, so go ahead. Try to read his mind before he speaks. Men are very easy to handle. Sometimes men like that their wife handle them like a child. Men suffer a lot in the outside world, and feel it difficult to make their wife and kids happy all the time with the outside world’ difficulties. It is a matter of a few moments. Once you do as he likes, you will see he will not ask you any more. He will feel confident that you love and care about him. That’s all what a man wants. Sometime you may decline your demand or wish. Try to be happy with less. Hope it helps.
If your husband needs you when you are busy, make a plan and be ready when he asks. Leave everything and join him. It will happen only for a few times. Soon he will understand your love. Keep in mind, husbands are more happy to have you when you say no. Life is in a flux. Same routine never works always. Try on changing and keep flexible timings. You will also enjoy it a lot. These are hidden treasures of married life. You should try this. You will feel like best the lady in world.
Just mornings? Are you always busy? If he is clueless, inform him. It sounds like he wants some spontaneous moments with you. If you give in once or twice a week, he won’t be as upset when you say no. I mean really, what’s it take about 5 min. then he’s sleeping. LOL… Good Luck…
In all honesty your comment and tone are selfish. That may not be how you intend it but that is how it comes out. Remember that 93% of communication is non-verbal, body language, facial expressions tone of voice. This is not all about you or all about him; it should be about your life together. I think this article addresses your comment very well.
Even from a husband’s standpoint who is going through this currently, my wife told me today and that it’s possible that she may never want it again, I get what you are saying. I can’t however bring this up to her as she will see that as me being needy. So for now, prayer is my only resource and hope is believing that the Lord will lead us through.
What’s wrong with being needy? EVERY woman wants to be needed, to be desired and cherished. You must bring this up to her. Without communication you remain frozen in time… Start just cuddling, holding hands and little love notes do help. Show her chivalry is not dead and offer her free hugs, without sexual intentions. These little moments of touching might lead to her wanting more.
Christy, bad advice! She drew the line in the sand! She broke her vows of being a partner and should understand the consequences. He shouldn’t accept that answer and needs to probe why and get reasons. Accepting bad behavior is enabling bad behavior. She may have legit reasons, but not to hand them over is selfish. This will blow up and she will blame him!!!!!!! He can’t be a better husband without a roadmap. Sorry, but you are perpetuating a myth.
Ken, I’ve heard that before. My wife feels like as a man I shouldn’t have needs… when I bring up she isn’t meeting my needs it’s not uncommon to be told “I don’t need another kid to take care of.” Talk about feeling unloved. I provide for the family, I am involved with the kids, I help around the house and do all the little things they say are supposed to help. I’ve gotten to the point where it’s less painful to just not ask.
Ditto. -Tony
Ditto – Israel. I am tired of trying to connect with the lame possibility I may have some sex with her. I just want to get at it, forget he connection. It has been over a year now with no sex, and I can count with the fingers on one hand how many times we’ve done it since we have our kid almost 4 now. Could it be that we have moved on emotionally and that we don’t want the same things anymore? What can I do?
Have not really experienced sex in my marriage since my 30s. I’m 58 now. Wife has multiple physical problems and no interest. Anytime I have or express desire, it is, and remains, my problem to cope with by myself, with God. It is frustrating, sad, disappointing, and almost torturous. There’s really no help for me other than God’s grace to endure … and it is very tempting to become very bitter with Him about it and turn to fantasy to angrily satisfy my physical desire. I’ve learned that is a hugely destructive choice, no matter how good it may feel in the moment. Guys like me need to believe God will somehow make life worth it experientially in some way, at some time.
I cannot think of any reason why a wife would choose to withhold rather than choose to give and make people happy. It’s absolutely sickening. Demands over giving are never good. It’s extremely selfish.
Unfortunately, humans are not always in control of their bodies. I read a good book that explains it well, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
.
She might like the “power” in keeping him unhappy and the “control” in withholding. As he complains about the pain and lack of love she might gain a silent satisfaction.
I have been married for 10 years and my sex life is as low as low can be. My wife ever since she gave birth to our daughter has forgotten that our sex life exists. She stopped using sexy underwear and really she has never used anything sexy as I can recall. I have even started to think that my wife is a lesbian. The act of abstinence is the most selfish act any human being can impose on another. I am getting me a girlfriend.
Before you add more troubles to the problem you might want to consider that she probably can’t control her sexual drive. Your resentment is understandable and obvious in your comment. I swear this book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
can explain how different men and women are. It works best if you both read it. Remember, EVERY woman goes through this at one time or another, so a “girlfriend” is actually a dead end street. And, some women are subconsciously terrified of getting pregnant again, even years later. So maybe you two could figure out a way to prevent a pregnancy, if that’s what you both want. Good Luck…
Christi, here you go again! This is an issue that needs to be resolved, not hidden. Yeah, she may have legit issues, but talk them out. Don’t sentence each other to a life of misery