I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
So glad to hear your story; this is what happened to me and my wife. I’m going to share with her this story and most importantly God is in all problem. God bless you.
I don’t know how to deal with it. She has forsaken the one she promised to forsake all others for; that’s no way to treat the one you love. She expects me to be loyal, and give up sex? I like sex with her… she does not.
It all comes down to selfishness; that is what keeps a person from giving. People should always give up SELF as Jesus gave Himself for His Bride. His bride denies her SELF for Jesus just as the wife denies her SELF for her husband.
I understand being positive but there isn’t much that is positive to say if this is a problem in your marriage. It is in mine. My wife has indicated she has no interest. She has the energy but isn’t interested. My choices are to cheat, leave or accept the misery of being with her.
The giving doesn’t just start and stop with sex. One can GIVE understanding as a lovely marital gift too which it seems men like to overlook. I constantly see men whining about their wives not giving them enough sex or sex. And instantly saying they are miserable with their wife over this issue, and have only the choice to cheat or stay miserable.
Are you for freaking real?! It’s no wonder your wives want nothing to do with you with that horrible attitude. It’s no wonder they feel taken advantage of and used for their bodies. They’re unlovable to you the second they say no to YOUR personal physical enjoyment. Newsflash most women who are of average health don’t hate sex; they don’t even need to climax to enjoy being with their spouse. They say no to sex because they’re not getting what YOU need to be GIVING! Which it’s appearing men want their cake and eat it to and 100% don’t see their role in the issue.
To explain this…so your wife wants to feel valued as a person not as a human push pin. She wants physical contact sometimes that has NO expectation of sex at all! Proof that you want HER not just her body. How many of you men commenting here actually do this? Honest answers! I bet not many and of you have how often does this rare event occur? So to go out on a limb and guess not many actually do this. Should the wife just feel frustrated and be left with the choice to cheat and find a different man who can, leave, or just live in misery for the rest of her life? Kinda hurts doesn’t to think your wife would dispose of you and move on to another like your a piece of trash for not caring for her emotional needs.
Before trashing your wife for what she’s not giving…stop and think about what you’re not giving! It’s NEVER a one-sided problem. You men are failing too!
I really wish I could pray for the desire but I can’t. I grew up being taught that birth control is a sin. And I don’t want to have children so I would basically be asking God to help me feel desire to sin. So now what?
You sound conflicted. There are two weeks in the cycle where you’re not fertile and there fore not able to conceive. It has to be tracked regularly but sex is possible. Are there other things?
Misinformation Jim! That’s how my second child came to be. A woman can ovulate anytime in her cycle.
Thank you for this article. I am a married woman who is 54, and 7 years into menopause. My sex drive has died, but I want to be intimate with my husband and realize how important sex is in a marriage. I cannot have intercourse but do things to bring him physical pleasure. Unfortunately, this is not enough for him. He now no longer wants sex unless I have pleasure in it, I mean an orgasm. I try to explain that I have pleasure without needing an orgasm. I like the intimacy.
Now, we haven’t had sex in 2.5 weeks because I’m begging God to give me desire so he’ll be happy and be intimate again. He stopped hugging and kissing me years ago so sex is the only way I can get affection. It’s so weird and I find the more he pushes me to “find pleasure” the less I want to try. I can’t help how I feel, so I too feel trapped. It’s selfish to not give of yourself and I don’t want to do that.
I know God is honored when we serve him through our spouses. Marriage is hard and our sex crazed culture doesn’t help. I feel bad for the men who have commented about their wives just saying “no”. I don’t think I’ve done that, but if you ask my husband, he would say I have. I sometimes think he wants me to feel like I have failed so he can control the situation and feel safe. Blaming me in easier than accepting responsibility. I’m just sad and pray for a healed marriage in every way.
My wife doesn’t want sex, hasn’t wanted it for 10 years. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but nothing has generated any lasting change. My mother in law told my wife ON OUR WEDDING DAY to always remember the one who loves least has the most power. Gee, thanks “mom”! I didn’t think it mattered at the time because wife and I loved each other. But now my wife has come around to mom’s ways. I feel so sad and hopeless about my marriage.
I have no where to go and don’t want to lose or hurt my kids either. I don’t know what I did wrong or why this is happening. I’ve given everything I have or will ever have to our marriage. I have nothing left to give or to lose. Marriage for me is a fraud and a lie. Sorry I’m not being positive, but how can I be positive and honest about this?
This issue goes both ways. Many husbands refuse sex with thier wives also. Many times it is a passive aggressive act of hostility coming from the refusing partner. I know I lived it and suffered as a faithful wife.
It has really eased my heart by reading the article.
My wife isn’t interested at all. I have had to sleep in different beds now for years. it was my choice. It solved the feeling of frustration and feeling unloved. I’ve spoken to her and because it’s not a problem to her then it’s not important. I too feel like having an affair but it’s not the answer, is it? I’m sitting here on Valentines Day and feel very sad and old. I’m 49.
Nigel, you (and many of the others here) have been on my heart. My husband and I were talking about the disconnection many wives have as to the importance of making love to their husbands. We also have lifted you up in prayer. It’s not just a physical connection, but an intimacy, love connection. And how very sad I am that so many wives just don’t get this. Women want verbal connection. And if they don’t get it from their husbands they feel the relationship suffers. And they are correct. But just as wives feel this way about verbal connection, their husbands feel that way about physical connection. Just because one doesn’t feel the need and doesn’t feel it’s a “problem” it doesn’t make it right, or good.
I don’t know how you can get it across to your wife that you need this connection with her, because of your love for her and the desire for a deeper intimacy with her alone. It’s not just physical. I’ve been there in the past with my husband, so I know how screwed up this thinking is… as if you can just will yourself not to need this connection from her. I have taught many sexual issues classes with women and when I talk about this aspect of marriage, it’s like bells and whistles go off and you can see some women waking up and realizing how off-based they’ve been in their thinking. It has helped many marriages. How I wish more women would wake up (and men too, as it pertains to verbal communication being just as important to women).
As far as what you are facing, I’m not sure what to say. I’m SO glad that though you’re tempted, you feel that having an affair is not the answer. Whatever you do, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not, which you referred to in your comment. I admire you for that Nigel, and every spouse that realizes that.
I don’t know if this will help or not, but there is a book that you may consider getting, reading, and asking the Lord if there is anything you can apply in this book that will help your situation with your wife. The book is written by Dr James Dobson, and is titled, Love Must Be Tough
. Somehow, your wife needs to be stirred in a way so she realizes that if she has a problem, you both have a problem, and if you have a problem, it’s the same thing, you both have a problem. When you both said “I do” at the altar, you vowed to become a marital team –not just two singles in the same household. Right now she is stuck in what is termed as “functional fixedness.” What is happening (or is not happening) is working fine for her –it all appears to be functioning fine, so why fix anything? It’s fine, as far as she’s concerned… you’ll eventually get over it.
But it isn’t fine. You are lonely within your marriage and need her more than she realizes. That’s why I recommend the book. I’m not sure if it will give you any ideas or not that you can use, but it may be worth a try (even though it’s not a book about sex –it’s a book about relationships that are going through tough waters). Nigel, above all, I want to express my sympathy, and tell you that I admire your stand not to cheat, even though everything within you must be screaming to, at times. Also, I want to tell you that sometimes wives will wake up. I did, and I know of other wives who have, as well.
As a matter of fact, there is a web site dedicated to this at: http://forgivenwife.com. Here’s a description of the web site:
This web site has blogs written by Chris, who writes: ‘After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.’ She also writes, ‘After 20+ years of stubbornness, selfishness, sexual gatekeeping, and discontent, I started to change how I behaved toward my husband. After action came feeling. After all the years of being a poster child for how not to be a wife, I’ve reached a deeper level of intimacy with my husband, emotionally and physically. In refusing my husband sexually, I was denying him my love.'”
Nigel, I don’t want to give you or others false hope –just that sometimes things DO turn around. Sometimes it takes a push to do so, and other times, the person wakes up as God reveals truth to them. I hope and pray this happens for you and others who are braving out their marriage walk without cheating. If not, I pray the Lord helps you so you don’t sacrifice your integrity at the altar of temptation. God bless.
Thank you Cindy, Yes I’m so lonely within my marriage, smiling and helpful on the outside but crying and wanting help on the inside. You sound like such a lovely woman, if only you lived in the KU. God bless.
Well said Cindy.
Everyone that gets married should read this book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
, John Gray, Ph.D. Women and Men are wired differently. It really can help!!!
Hi. I truly feel at the end of my rope. I feel so lonely; here I am a Church Pastor who has nowhere to go and no one to confide my problem with. Like a clown, I smile on the outside pretending I am happy and cry on the inside. It’s been 2 years. I do all I can to make her happy. Yet she knows I have nowhere to turn to and if I divorce her, my ministry would go down the drain.
I am 53 and afraid to end up bitter and alone. I’ve had opportunities to cheat, but that is out of the question. I’ve read every single word in this article and thread. Yet, can’t find the answer. Reading the book will not solve the problem, would just make me understand it, and I already understand it. She has no desire to be with me. Help!
Watch Steve Harvey’s video about “Jumping” at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kILVFRlUtT8.
Pastor Kevin, First, I’m sorry you feel so all alone in your situation. You are correct; it’s very hard for a pastor and his spouse to find a safe place to be “real” with their problems. That is one of the reasons Cindy and I started Marriage Missions – we wanted to be a safe place for anyone to come and find help and encouragement. We’ve spent a great deal of our ministry pouring into pastors and other Christian workers marriages. I wish I lived closer to you so we could sit down face-to-face.
Timothy’s recommendation to watch Steve Harvey’s video, “Jump,” can be taken several ways. Be careful and prayerful about what God would want you to take away from it. We feel very strongly that the message for you is not to “jump” from your unhappy marriage. What glory would God get from doing that?
The message I see for you is that God brought you to our web site to begin to find the kind of help you need that could ultimately lead to a healing and complete restoration of your marriage. And here’s the next “jump” God wants you to take: Contact Focus On The Family’s ministry specifically for pastors at http://www.thrivingpastors.com. You will find a connection there that you have been missing everywhere else, including counseling and referrals to people close to where you live that can probably help you as well.
I know you feel like there is no more hope – no more options, but don’t forget that with God NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE; not even restoring and reviving your dead marriage. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead; He certainly can raise your marriage from the ashes!
So, Pastor Kevin, take the next jump…and then the next…and then the next. “Do not become weary in well doing, for you will reap a harvest if you DO NOT GIVE UP.” (Galatians 6:9 – emphasis added) And feel free to write back. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
Hi guys. Jesus really loves me.
I’m sure he does. God loves everyone.
Hi, Is it OK to cheat if the wife does not want to make love anymore?
You know the answer to this without anyone answering your question. What do you think Jesus would tell you? It kind of goes along with the same question, is it okay to take money if no one would ever know and the person you are taking it from is very, very rich, and yet you need the money badly? It’s a matter of integrity. I sense your desperation, and understandably so (although I hope you are doing your part to make lovemaking a pleasant experience for your wife too, and that you are doing other things within your marriage relationship so she feels wanted and loved in other ways –otherwise, you are contributing to her “no”).
But no matter what, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. Please don’t ruin your reputation amongst others, your integrity, and most importantly your relationship with the Lord over this matter. Ask God to help you do the right thing.
Let me ask you this. If the wife refuses to have sex, what is a man to do? Shall he masturbate, and head down that road? Or is his sex life over with and he must repress his God given sexuality?
Hi, Dave. You have asked a very, very tough question and I am going to answer this instead of Cindy. I can tell you what you can’t do if you want to please God and honor your promises to your wife (and I believe you already know this). You can’t go outside your marriage – either physically OR mentally to find sexual satisfaction. Yes, our sex drives are given by God – but He never promised that we would always be able to fulfill them. He just laid out His plan and sadly many Christian couples and individuals find themselves right where you are. And no, it’s not fair.
I assume you have asked the Lord many, many times to help you and give you wisdom as to how you can help your wife understand your needs, but she dismisses it leaving you wanting. At this point your options are limited; lots of cold showers, accept celibacy as what you will endure until God changes your circumstances, OR you periodically relieve yourself just to maintain your sanity. Understand that ejaculation will only accomplish so much. It can relieve the tension but it will never be satisfying.
Next, is the question: Can you masturbate just to relieve your pent up tension and keep your mind pure? All I can say is be careful. Masturbation can quickly become a habit and it’s usually tied to something very impure, whether it’s porn or thinking about another woman. At that point it’s the same as adultery. So, I can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t resort to masturbation. You really need to keep petitioning God and see where He gives you peace. I hope this perspective helps you a bit, Dave. I wish I had better “solutions” to tell you than this, but because we live in a fallen world where selfishness puts us in some tough spots, sometimes we’re left with alternatives that are really difficult to do.
I hope and pray you can live out Galatians 6:9, even though it will be very, very tough: “Do not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” The good that you will “reap” may come to you in this life, and/or in the next, but I encourage you to persevere in doing good, hang onto your integrity, even though you have been handed a rough road to travel. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
Steve, I have read from some reputable Christian counselors that the wife’s unrepentant refusal to have sex with her husband is a Biblical grounds for divorce. I would like to get your thoughts on this. I’m surprised as I have been reading these comments, this potential grounds for divorce has rarely, if at all, been mentioned.
I am 75 and my husband is 85. I’ve never really enjoyed sex with him. He is disabled now and I take care of him, every thing like giving him enemas, etc. I’m being a nurse and he’s my patient. Sometimes he wants sex but I have no desire for him sexually. I can’t stand his touch.
I almost can’t believe I am doing this. I have read and re-read this article and the attached ones, as well as the remarks left. My wife and I are having a very difficult time. I am 43 and she is 39. We have two elementary aged children and we are both heavily involved in our children’s lives and all the activities they do. She sees sex as a reward, and/or punishment, for doing and acting like she believes I should or for NOT doing as she feels I should.
Of course, when we were first married, things were good, 3-4 times a week. Twelve years later, I’m lucky if it is 3-4 times a year. It started shortly after her weight loss surgery and has only gotten worse over the last 6 years. People say “do housework”, “let her have time to her self”, “pamper her”, “buy her sexy lingerie.” I have tried every one of these and a hundred more. I’ve even joked with my brother that, if cooking and housework equaled sex, I’d be having sex every day and twice on Sunday. I am barely allowed to touch her. Often I will go days and she won’t even speak to me.
When I have offered to go to counseling or to our Pastor, she tells me she doesn’t have a problem, I do. She is constantly on her Facebook, phone, or laptop. Even when we schedule date nights, NOTHING! She has told me before that I “have two hands and can take care of it on my own.” When we do have sex, it’s almost like she can’t wait for it to be over. I feel dejected and rejected to the point of severe depression. I can’t count the number of times I’ve tried to cuddle up to her, only to get pushed away or told to stop smothering her. I’m at a loss as to where to go now. I have prayed, I’ve met with our Pastor more than once, I’ve even considered divorce or cheating.
I nearly fell into that trap last year, but refused to risk losing my kids. I’m a father and husband first and foremost, as I feel God wishes. I’ve nearly given up, and back to that point again. We sit in separate rooms and watch TV, we hardly ever eat together. When we are together (I.e. Church functions, out as a family, even going to a little league game) all she worries about is what people might think. I can’t even imagine what she thinks about me posting this here. I live in fear of what she may say or do in front of our children, and how long she will deny me any sign of affection when I do speak up about it. I must admit, I’ve become very guarded around her. It has become a defense mechanism of sorts. I’ve tried to share articles, different films, anything I can do help her understand what she’s doing to me and our marriage, but it’s all MY FAULT according to her. Honestly, I have tried and tried, but am about to give up.
Don’t buy her answers. Schedule the appointment with the pastor and if she doesn’t go, still go. Marriage is mutual, not one way. If you don’t address the issue, watch out, bad stuff will happen. Keep pressing forward, kindly and listen closely, but don’t give in to deflection.
Hi Pat,
Wow…! I can understand that this is horrible. I can very well sense how frustrating and hopeless this looks. It sounds like your wife is very happy with this state of affairs, but that you are climbing the walls!
OR, your wife is quietly screaming, but has no idea how to change things.
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children.
I do not have a nice easy answer to this, but I hope the following websites are of help:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
I found this to be excellent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc&ebc=ANyPxKpLZLtiWBH46qLTFZeCnnWJIAWHmu7mB1obzYFMvQMDAjqrwWR6mQKv-j-OLIe8y50Oas8-JXxXdBBpcH-Jv17ljvoY6Q
Also very good- a scenario very close to yours starts at about 7 minutes in the clip.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
This your wife should hear….
Here is what I would say to a wife in your wife’s shoes:
What would make it easier for us men is to say “no” in such a way that we are confident that we are not being rejected, that you do find us physically desirable. This of course can be communicated during the times you are intimate. Be creative with us, Surprise us! Perhaps when you are tired or not in the mood, you would say, “no” with an arrangement for a date 1 or 2 days later, or whatever suits you both. Then, of course, please be sure to keep your arrangement. The following is particularly true (recent article on this subject): “A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you.”
While women tend to connect through talking, cuddling, touching, the men tend to connect through sex. This statement makes a lot of sense to me. Each side has to appreciate the other.
While you may not understand this, please take it to heart and demonstrate that you care. Of course, the women should have the room and freedom to say “no” as described above. But if you go that extra mile, your man is far more able to be the husband you want him to be. And if you re empowering him in this way, you will be happier, and the two will feed each other in a positive way.
WP (Work in Progress)
I’ve been married to my wife for going on ten years. She is seven years older than me. We were separated the first three years of our marriage due to my service in the armed forces. However, those were a great three years when it came to our sexual intimacy. However, we’ve had both had issues. Firstly I had to battle and cope with ptsd that was service related and she has had some health issues. It took us another three years or so of dealing and treating both those issues in our marriage. However, when we both started to get healthy both physically and mentally, our sex life isn’t and hasn’t been the same.
Over the last three years I tried to initiate sexual intimacy on numerous occasions and get rejected for numerous reasons. After more than a year of that I just stopped trying. When we did have sex it was when she wanted it and she initiated. I got so tired of this that I began to not even sleep in bed with her anymore or work late. She got so mad at me she accused me of having an affair, which I wasn’t but she still did. I’ve voiced my opinion to her numerous times on this issue and her reaction was basically I’m an animal. I’ve grown content and focused my efforts else where in our marriage spending more time with her.
Well, when that happened she started going to the gym with me and working out. She then wanted to have cosmetic surgery due to the weight loss from working out with me. She “wants to look good for me and attractive for me”. With the working out and everything she has began to initiate sex more often and basically the roles have changed. I began to make excuses saying I’m tired or maybe later and other excuses that I was subject to years ago. Basically I don’t mentally feel like having sex with her. Physically I’m in good health and great shape. I just don’t want to have sex with her. I love her but I’m not feeling it’s necessary to engage in sexual intimacy with her. After everything I’ve been through with her I just don’t feel it.