It’s too bad that we have such a “comparison shopping” mentality in today’s world. And that doesn’t just pertain to apples and bananas. When things don’t go the way we want them to financially and/or relationally, we can also get caught up into comparing our circumstance and our relationship with our spouse, with what others have or what we think we should have.
It can start out innocent enough, but eventually it can lead to trouble. We might not even be conscious that we’re doing anything wrong. After-all, it’s “natural” to want more than we have when we’re unhappy. But it can leave us open to putting our eyes, and our hopes —our longings, where they shouldn’t go, and even dreaming for something that isn’t ours to dream about.
Tempting Voices in Wishing He was Your Husband
It leaves us open to listening to the tempting voices which the enemy of our faith is ready to supply when we’re unhappy.
We’re told in the Bible: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
It also says, “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil” (Proverbs 4:25-27).
Wishing and hoping that someone was your husband to the point of being so discontent that you leave your heart unguarded, can be dangerous.
How many times we’ve heard the statement said, “We never meant for it to happen, it just did!” That’s why we want to warn you to guard your heart and put your eyes on your own path —not someone else’s.
Below, we have provided several links to articles that discuss this very problem. We hope you’ll prayerfully read them and ask the Lord to teach you what you need to learn from them —either for your own situation or to share with someone else.
Just click on the links provided below:
Written by Sabrina Beasley, an article posted on the web site for Family Life:
• WISHING HE WERE YOUR HUSBAND
Here’s another article we highly recommend you read for further insight:
Here’s an interesting and thought-provoking article you can view on the Faithwriters.com web site. I HIGHLY recommend you prayerfully read it:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair For Married Women
(ZAMBIA) Wishing he were my husband! This is what I am going through at the moment. I did not realise that having fantasies about another man is a sin and is as good as being unfaithful. Something like this usually happens when one is not getting love or respect from her spouse. Our sex life has become dull as I feel intimidated.
I am married to a man who can not come to church with me, who can not even take me out to eat anywhere, who can not do anything with me. But he finds joy in his friends -wrong friends. He almost beat me up when I broke a tape containing pornography that his friend had brought for him to watch. This same friend of his is not living with his wife as they are separated, and he is always at home when I am at work. My husband is currently not working and spends most of his time at home.
Honestly, how do you expect a woman who is never complimented by her spouse, not to envy another man who respects her? It’s not like am cheating or something. But this other man finds me amusing and understands me, and also makes me laugh. He has never asked me out, nor hugged me nor held my hand, and I think he would never do that. We just enjoy talking together -not always -only when we have time.
If only my husband would be a lot more like that, that is all I hope for. I have tried to pray for him, but sometimes I feel like am wasting my time as I don’t see him changing. My husband has told me point blank that he loves watching pornography, and that it’s just for fun, and that there is nothing I can do to make him change. Just the idea of him watching dirty movies makes me sick. So, just the feeling of someone being there for me can not really be that bad. All I need is solace.
(USA) As a Christian I am increasingly disturbed by the danger of using our faith to control women and keep them in unsafe situations. No woman deserves to be in a marriage that includes control or abuse. We are to follow God first and our husbands ONLY if they also obey God’s commands. Pornography and abuse are NOT Godly and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. If you are feeling abused physically or emotionally, if you are controlled by your spouse, that is NOT a Godly relationship. If your husband does want to repent he can prove that even if you leave his household and find a safe place to sort out your differences. Be safe!
Seanna, You’re missing the point of this article. It’s not about an abusive marriage where you fantasize that your husband was not abusive, but rather that you stop fantasizing about other men. Whether you are in a so-so marriage, a good one or an abusive one, you aren’t to look at another man wishing he were yours. There are too many men and women that compare their spouse to others (others they THINK they know, or know to a limited extent, because you don’t really know them until you live with them). This can set off a spiraling effect where you live in a fantasy world and the real world no longer is as satisfying, and you don’t work on it to the degree where it can be satisfying because you invest your energy in your fantasy world.
If you’re in an abusive marriage, we encourage you to read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic and see what help you to improve the situation. Fantasizing about other men won’t do that. It will only complicate matters because he is not yours to dream about.
(CANADA) Hi Mary, I just want to tell you not to give up praying for your husband. I know how it feels when your husband isn’t attentive or loving. As for you finding solace in another man BAD IDEA because thats how affairs start. Please go to http://www.marriagemissions.com/power-of-a-praying-wife and read all the things that women have gone through in their marriages and what God has done for them including me.
First and foremost, you need to realise that before God changes your husband He has to change you first. But you need to ask Him to do that and ask God to show you where you’re sinning and what things you’ve done that may not be pleasing to your hubby (there may not be but God will show you if there is). Like me, God showed me how much I disrespected my husband and neglected him. It wasn’t easy, but then I needed that. I repented and asked God to forgive me.
It’s been 2 months now, and I still ask Him to change me. The devil targets married couples and he has targeted yours. You’re already giving up praying for your husband, you’re talking to another man, and then your husband and the pornography problem.
Get down on your knees and pray for God to open your heart and to help you to be strong enough to end this friendship coz nothing good will come from it. Talk to your husband and let him know how his watching pornography makes you feel and how it’s affecting your marriage, and what you need from him. He may not listen to you but surrender it to God, and let Him deal with it and God will fight for you.
Right now what you need is to ask God to fulfill your emotional needs and that’s what He wants to do. I know this coz that’s what He has done and continues doing for me as I go through my marriage problems. Please go to that site and you’ll see how remarkable and faithful God has been to all of us. He’ll give you strength you never thought you had. God is for marriages! Don’t let satan win. Surrender your marriage to God. Remember though, you need to repent all your sins, and God will guide you from there. But honestly, He has to work on you before He changes your husband. And while He does that, move out of the way so that He can work miracles on your husband and marriage. This will take a lot of patience on your part. Pray for every aspect of your marriage.
I’ve come to realise how much men need to feel respected and when they don’t feel that, they just let go of their responsibilities as husbands. God expects us as wives, to respect our husbands and to forgive them no matter what they do. I know …it was hard for me to get that, but when we respect our husbands we are respecting God and the rewards will come from God.
It has been a tough journey for me, but it has been all gain. God is reaching out to you go to Him. That will be the best decision ever. Surrender all to Jesus, everything is possible with Him. You can get the books, THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE -STORMIE OMARTIAN and LOVE AND RESPECT -Dr.EMERSON EGGERICHS. These books have helped me and removed my "blind fold" so to speak. I’ll pray for you. Don’t give up there’s hope. Read 1st peter 5:6-10 and James 1:2-7. God Bless You. Hope to read from you soon.
(ZAMBIA) Hie, Anne. You don’t know what your message did to me. Thank you for the encouragement. I actually read all the comments on the Power of A Praying Life. You were right to say satan is attacking marriages. I won’t let him win this time!
I have changed the pattern of prayer. You know, I would just concentrate on asking God to change my husband, when I did not acknowledge my faults. First thing before I came for work, I asked God to give me the grace so that I don’t have a heart that holds grudges, that I learn to forgive myself, and then my husband. I also asked God to create in me a clean heart. Thanks for the direction in how to pray. I will learn to be patient and continue praying for I believe now, that God will intervene. I will keep you in prayer too, so that things go well with your husband. Regards to all wives at prayer.
By the way, I live in a small town where bookstores aren’t many. I don’t know where to get the books you suggested I read. Are they sold online?
(USA) Hi Mary, Thanks for updating us on how you are doing. I like Anne’s message to you and I agree that once you start praying for God to show you either what you might be doing wrong (if there is anything) and if you aren’t doing anything wrong, how to just do things better, you will find much comfort in that type of prayer.
I very strongly agree that you should NEVER be developing a friendship with another man to fill up your emotional needs. This world tells us we need emotional fulfillment from other humans, instead of from Christ. This is not so, but we all believe that at one time, because that seems to be what the world tells us.
My suggestion, Mary, would be for you to pray first, of course, when you are tempted to go to another man and also to come here to this website and write out your thoughts and read comments from us. If you can find a female Christian friend, to talk with, that would be good as well.
All I can say is Satan is placing an attentive man in front of you to play on your unfulfilled emotional needs but don’t fall into Satan’s trap. As you grow spiritually, you will come to let Christ fill your needs and won’t need that from any other humans. Hope this helps.
Let us all pray for one another. God bless!
(CANADA) Hi Mary, I was just wondering how you were doing. I’m glad that the message helped you. Trust me, it was all from God. I know it’s not easy but pray a lot and you’ll see the difference, trust me. I have prayed for you a lot because I could see what satan is trying to do to your marriage. God will guide you through this trial just Trust Him and have Faith. God uses trials to help us grow and mature up and most importantly to have a close relationship with Him. Like LT said, find a Christian woman to talk to and come to this site. It’s wonderful when we all pray for each other. As for the books I found the websites: http://www.loveandrespect.com.
For the power of a praying wife you can go to http://www.harvesthousepublishers.com, click on the book and it will give you different options on where to buy the book in that way you can compare prices.
Hope that helps. Take care and keep in touch remember not to loose hope God is able. Trouble don’t last always. My prayers are with you and your husband. Later.
(ZAMBIA) LT, I read your advice even from the "Power of a Praying wife". You do really inspire women and thanks a lot.
I saw my male friend today, I could not look him in the eye. I just greeted him and left before he could say anything else, and he noticed something was different about the way I acted towards him. I am willing to let go of this man, but somehow it is a bit difficult to pretend he is not there. Believe it or not, for the first time I did not realise I was very close to him. I am only feeling it when I am about to detach myself from him. I don’t know what to tell him –especially since he has been good to me. I want to let go, but I don’t know how to avoid him. I will try praying when I think about him and also restart my friendship with a lady friend who is a Christian but widowed. She was such an inspiration to me at one time.
As for my husband, I am trying to be as patient as I can be, as I suspect he was watching dirty movies again yesterday. Sometimes I just fail to hold my cool. It really hurts. Continue putting me in prayer.
Anne, I will check the websites you suggested. Thank you and stay well.
Hi Mary, Just so you know, you can also order books through our web site. We have a deal with Amazon.com in which ANYTHING you can order from them (including computers, bicycles, or whatever they carry), by going directly through our web site, they will give us a small percentage of the profits to help support this ministry.
At the bottom of each article which lists the book, you will find a link to obtain it through Amazon.com. We also have an online store that you can find in the lower right hand corner of each page that says “SHOP NOW Marriage Missions Online Store.” If you enter through there, you can look at or purchase anything you want with their discount prices, plus, you’re helping to support the expenses of this ministry (which we GREATLY appreciate).
There’s also a link provided in the middle of the Home Page which says “Your Online Shopping Can Help Marriages” which also will bring you to the place where you can shop at Amazon.com to obtain books, or whatever, and by going through this link (or the others I mentioned) Amazon will automatically know to credit our account because of the purchase.
If by some chance, your country isn’t included in the Amazon.com shopping coverage, then we include the publisher’s name with the book. You can go to their web site and they will tell you if they have a distributor in your area of the world.
I hope this helps in some way. If it’s possible to shop through our web site, that would be SO appreciated, but if not, then we are confident that you will find a way to obtain the books you need (unless what you need is out of print, and even then, there are other ways to often find them through Amazon.com or other distributors). GOD BLESS!!! Please know you are being prayed for and loved and supported by many (including my husband Steve and me).
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I’m going through a very tough time right now. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children. All these blessings however, have not stopped me from having very deep feelings for another man. I’ve prayed for assistance from God.
I know that he will answer in his time but I’m afraid that by the time he does, my feelings for this man would’ve grown deeper and deeper as they are right now. This has become so ridiculous, I’m considering Hypnosis. Help!
(ZAMBIA) Hie Wanda, why do you want to risk your beautiful marriage over some man? I know it is not easy to let go of what you are feeling for this other man. You are blessed with a wonderful man and beautiful children, which some of us envy. If my husband were like yours I would not have any feelings for another man. It’s a pity my husband is not as loving as he was when we first met. Everything has changed, and sometimes I feel I am better off without him.
As for the other man, I told myself to let go. I prayed about it. You would never guess what happened. We had different views over something, he took somebody else’s views instead of mine, and everybody knew I was right. He must have done that to get back at me because I was not very friendly to him anymore. From that moment, I don’t feel attached to him anymore. I don’t like him anymore. Maybe it is a lesson for me. I am glad we did not go further in this friendship. I am trying by all means, to reconnect with my husband so that we would be the way we were.
So Wanda, My friend, fight those feelings tooth and nail. Good luck.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Wanda. Girl, be strong. I used to fantasize about having another man. When my husband left me, I wanted him back! It always happens that way. Please my love, fight this feeling. You do not want to forfeit God’s blessing on you and your marriage. I also don’t think you want to break your family up over something so small.
Right now I wish my husband was MY HUSBAND – not mine, and Keketso, and Suzie and … and… (if you know what I mean). I’ll pray for you. God Bless – Neo
To read a very candid testimony concerning this struggle in a married woman’s life and additional helpful information, please click onto the following web site link which was sent anonymously into this ministry: http://sustainedhope.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/overcoming-sexual-and-emotional-fantasies/
(U.S.) I am somewhat bothered because I cannot get a certain man off of my mind. It is purely a sexual attraction which is frightening because I love my husband dearly and he is a good man. It is hard for me to feel a sexual attraction towards my husband. I had a low libido once we got married because I took the birth control pill. I thought that I just was no longer interested in sex. Well we started trying to have a baby a couple of months ago and my libido is in tact again and I think it’s because I stopped the pill. However, I do not feel attracted to my husband in the bed.
I now have a co-worker who I am feeling a sexual attraction to. I don’t want to be with him for any emotional reasons, but I do have fantasies about having sex with him. I love my husband and he is a good man, but I cannot stop imagining this other guy. To make things worse, I think the other guy has picked up on a sexual energy coming from me. Please help me, I need some guidance in this crisis. Thank you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi. I am at a stage where I am strongly tempted to have an affair just so I can have someone to hold me, laugh with me, talk to me, tell me they love, etc, all the things that husbands are supposed to do to their wives. Both my husband and I are strong Christians and there is just one area in our lives that needs fixing and that is our marriage.
I love my husband and have been married to him for 14 years. From the onset he was never one to show emotion and over the years we have talked about it and I have lived a lie pretending that all is well but now I just cannot bring myself to pretend that these things do not matter. In the time that I have been married to him, we have only been away on holiday together as a couple once (money is not an issue). All outings like dinner, movies, etc I’ve initiated and had to force him to come with me.
In the past two years we have not been anyway because I made a decision that if he enjoys my company and wants to spend time with me, he must initiate and sad to say that he has not and he does not see anything wrong with it. As a result I have grown cold and even when he touches me it feels strange as I am not used to him touching me even though we sleep in the same bed night after night. I know for a fact that this is not how God intended it to be. I need help fast.
(RSA) Hi. I’ve been married to a sensitive, loving man for 6 years. He’s a fantastic father to his 3 yr old. However… our marriage is in shambles, we haven’t had sex for over a month now because he’s afraid his mother will hear us & when we do try to be intimate it’s rough & quick (before the baby wakes up or before someone catches us “in action” – there’s always a silly excuse).
We hardly talk as he’s glued to the TV or listening to the radio on our drives to work/shops or anywhere. His mother runs my household. I don’t cook or do anything for my husband because his mother can do it & will do it better than me I suppose.
My husband is the eldest & feels obliged to look after her since the death of my father-in -law (God bless his soul). I want to do things in my house without the interference of another woman. I want to keep my kitchen the way I like it to be & it’s really hard because there’s 2 women in this kitchen & according to my knowledge that never works. I’ve suggested that we put her in a Old age home or get an apartment for her. He keeps saying next coming year… it hasn’t materialized after 3 years of pleading.
I’m on bended knee night after night, looking for any answers to this dilemma. I like my mother in law, I just DON’T like living in the same house as her. These problems have started emotions in my heart like my husband is having affairs or that I can get another man who will not sacrifice my happiness for his mother.
I know the Bible says look after orphans & widows but that doesn’t mean we must remain unhappy & unfulfilled – or does it? Is being Christian only about sacrifices, no smiles or laughter… just obedience & sweeping behind others??? I’m a bit upset with God right now, I really want to leave my husband (I have before), all I know is we can’t carry on like this.
I’m scared I will start looking for attention else where – I work in a very busy industry filled with parties & promotions. I meet nice guys & sometimes take off my wedding band so I can “invite” this unfaithfulness… I am a mess! I just want my family to be together without someone with habits I cannot stomach around. Jesus hear me!!!!!! The devil is having a ball with me!!!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thanks for all your comments, they really did help me indeed, and for the article Wishing He Was My Husband. I am a Christian married woman who loves the God & my husband. But for some reason I started having an emotional affair with my ex 3 days ago. I have not seen him in 10 years. We speak on the phone about our old times together, and I am thinking it would have been good to have married him. He is educated, he has a house and is married. He takes good care of his wife & child.
My husband is working but is making very little money a month. I am the one with a higher salary. He is unable to provide for us. I take most responsibilities. Sometimes I think he is useless. He never comes to me to say he is thankful to have me in his life. I pay medical aid, life policies, funeral covers, school fees etc. I expect him to realise that I do a lot of things and that he will appreciate me.
So I started calling my 1st love 3 days ago. We are far apart and we will never see one another. I was thinking if I married to him my life would have been better, although my hubby is a Christian.
After reading comments and the article, I felt better and I am going to pray about my situation and that God will come into my marriage and maybe bless my husband with a better job etc. Thanks