The following is a question posed to Marriage Missions: Is it wrong for two single people stay together in the same house before they get married? What if it is just a day here and a day there —and even if it’s claimed that it is due to logistical/geographical or traveling reasons? What if it’s claimed that they’re not having sexual relations together? The man is sleeping on the floor and the lady is sleeping on the bed.
Cindy Wright’s ANSWER:
I wish we could say that it would be just fine for this couple to stay in the same house alone together before they marry. I’m sure it would be much more convenient that way. But the problem isn’t just that they’re staying in the same house together when they’re single. They could be very innocent in their motives and their actions. The problems run deeper.
Before I was a Christian, I was in that kind of situation several times and I still stayed pure. So I know it is possible.
The problem is, that they are putting themselves into a situation, which gives the enemy of our faith a foothold to tempt them. The spiritual enemy of darkness is very clever and wants to rob them of being pure for their wedding night. He will stop at nothing to convince them that they can give in to their temptation and they’ll be just fine. (A good example of this is what happened to Adam and Eve, and the temptation hold.)
This is true even if one or both of them has had sexual relations before this. When you know something to be sin, you are to stop immediately and not do it again.
Stealing Victory
The enemy of our faith wants to steal from us and God any type of spiritual victory that’s possible. For this reason the temptations are very tuned in to the person who is being tempted. So there’s more of a possibility of making the fall into sin. God’s enemies know each one of us personally. They have studied what has the best chance of bringing us down. The purpose in doing this is to displease God and hurt His heart.
The Bible says to flee temptation. So this couple needs to know that if they put themselves into a place where they are alone with their temptation. They are vulnerable and aren’t obeying God’s warnings.
Also, the Bible tells us to stay away from even the “appearance of evil.” If this couple stays together like this —even if they are innocent, they will give fuel to those who can accuse them of doing more than they are. Many people would never believe that a couple could stay together in circumstances like this. They believe they will fall into sin. So the lies could take root in someone else’s mind (even if this couple is innocent). This will hurt their testimony and the testimony of Christ. And because we aren’t supposed to be a stumbling block to someone who is weaker in their faith, this could put them into that kind of situation.
Possible Solutions to Stay Away from Wrong Impressions
If this couple asks a friend or relative to stay in the home when they are there together, then this could work. That is as long as the person is trust-worthy. You don’t want someone that could lie about the situation afterward. Or maybe one or the other could stay with a friend or relative in the area during these times. They’re bound to know someone who could make this possible.
The main thing is… you want to keep the relationship in the best light possible until they marry. I’ve never heard of a person who takes the higher road by protecting how things appear to be, to regret it later. But I’ve heard of many who give in, only to deeply regret it later.
I pray this answer will help in some way. I really admire the integrity of any couple who chooses stay pure. Doing things God’s way is commendable. There are not enough people consider God’s feelings in all of this. Congratulate this couple for me. I’m proud of them.
You may also want to look further in our web site in the Sex Before Marriage topic for more insights.
— ALSO —
What about vacationing together before marriage? To read a great article posted on Crosswalk.com on this subject, please click onto:
• HE SAID – SHE SAID: UNMARRIED AND VACATIONING TOGETHER
If you have additional tips you can share to help others on this issue, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sex Before Marriage
I am a deacon in a church. My son and his girlfriend would like to come and spend the night in my home to visit. They live a long distance away. He has not been saved or is going to church. How can I explain to him that I cannot let them sleep in the same room or bed in my home? Please tell me how to explain this to them without hurting their feelings or making them mad.
Bruce, Cindy and I know how difficult this is for you as we lived through it as well with our prodigal sons.
Your son, who was raised in your home and knows the Biblical values you hold to, shouldn’t be surprised by you taking the stand that you are not comfortable with them sleeping in the same room – unless they are married. You don’t need to be harsh with them. Tell them that you love him/them and they are welcome to stay in your house (in separate rooms); they just can’t sleep together because you hold to the Biblical teaching that it goes against God’s teaching about sex outside of marriage. If your son counters with, “Well, we sleep together now” your response can be, “I don’t want to argue with you. I know you are together sexually outside of this home. I have no control over what you do in your home; but in my home, I am compelled to hold to God’s standards. When you are married, I welcome you to sleep together here.”
It’s very possible he won’t like what you say and may even stay away because of it. But you need to hold to what you know is right. The other thing they may do is opt to stay in a hotel. If they do this DO NOT offer to pay for it. It would be the same as you letting them sleep together in your house. Just be gracious when they are with you in your home.
Again, we know this isn’t an easy stand to take. We had to do this with our sons and it did put a strain on our relationships for a while. But today we have a very loving relationship with both of our sons, and their (now) wives. Upon praying about all of this we believe God told us that we are not their Holy Spirit. God is. We are not their judge. God is. But we do have to hold to God’s standards as far as all of this within our home. Our job was/is to love, love, love. God’s is to love judge, and love–drawing them to Himself.
So, we showed as much love and grace as we possibly could every step of the way (but still holding to God’s standards), and we believe God used it to help us get to a better place in our relationship with each other. We pray it goes well for you. In fact, we hope you’ll post here again and let us know.
Nice answer to the above question. I will only add to that, which you have already said. That kind can simply be called cohabiting if they fall for the enemy of their victory and could be a way of carrying an unnecessary baggage, which might slow their acceleration in life. Thanks for the opportunity to contribute this little.
Great to follow Godly instructions even though it’s hard. God will always there to help and keep you well from evil.
Last part is that people are made with feelings of which you can over stay without having sex. Those who are weak I think can cause problems in the future. Remain true and your plan can work.
I have followed Christ. My fiancé moved in with me. He has melanoma & I have chronic renal disease. We plan to marry soon. We have had temptations living together but we needed each other to encourage the other. Does God not know sex is not in our mind; it is taking care of one another with covid? I would have committed suicide without him.
I spent the first 2 hrs every a.m. reading the Bible, listening to a pastor in prayer, listening to Christian music. Do you think that makes me a sinner? It’s like friends that are roommates; we just happen to love one another without intimacy.
Vickie, I love your heart, but I am concerned for you. I am so glad for you that so far you have been able to not give into temptation. But please know that you are playing in the devil’s playground. We are told that the enemy of our faith “roams around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” When you live together without being married it’s a lot like putting your head in a lion’s mouth expecting him not to bite down just because you have good intentions. When you enter into the arena of temptation willingly, you are at risk.
We’re told in the Bible to flee temptation–not enter in willingly. We’re also told to beware of even the “appearance of evil.” Others don’t know you aren’t living together in the same way that others are living together. This stains your ability to talk about living for Christ.
If your fiancé is a good man, and you intend to eventually marry, why not marry now? Why not find a pastor and a few witnesses and exchange your vows in an intimate ceremony? And then later, you can have a celebration of marriage when it is a better time for you. We know of several people who have done this, and it works well. You can still have a beautiful dress, flowers, a marriage cake, good food, and invite family and friends to celebrate your marriage together (just like a wedding reception). You can even have a pastor say a prayer of blessing over your marriage in front of everyone. It’s still all good. Plus you take yourself out of the arena of the temptation your are experiencing by just living together (we will always face some type of temptation–but you at least take the teeth out of this type of temptation).
Please don’t keep entertaining the enemy of our faith who is doing everything possible to tempt you so you fall. You are doing a lot of good things to grow in your relationship with the Lord. And that is good. But please go a step further and flee temptation. You will be stepping closer to the Light, and defeating the powers of darkness in this situation. I hope you will prayerfully consider this. I pray for you. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy said it best: “If your fiancé is a good man, and you intend to eventually marry, why not marry now?” We had some really good Christian friends whom the bride’s house was destroyed by an F5 tornado. She moved in with her fiancé. ..She then told us that they went to the courthouse and got married before she moved in. She had a nice wedding & reception.