The following are quotes on Emotional Infidelity from various resources that we pray will minister to your situation:
• An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail —they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.
These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt. (Cindy Crosby, from the Kyria.com article “Why Affairs Happen”)
• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else —late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.
The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)
• Extramarital affairs occur in the mind as well as the bedroom. Jesus taught that physical adultery and lust were one in the same. While they may carry different physical consequences, they do carry the same negative spiritual consequences. Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real.
…We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from an email sent out June 13, 2007 titled, Tempted to be in an affair?)
• You have heard it said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27)
• It is when we are the weakest that Satan tries to attack. When he sees a chink in our marriage, he will try to bring a bulldozer through. We need to guard our heart against these attacks, whether it is the temptation to enter into a sexual affair or a subtler affair of the heart. Nurturing quiet longings for another man (or woman) may seem harmless at first, but an affair of the heart puts forth barbs that can drag us out of God’s presence into a place of sin.
Sheep never plan to get lost. They graze and nibble their way off in the wrong direction, and before they know it, they have strayed from the shepherd into unknown territory. In the same way you drift into relationships that lead you away from God. Sin can begin in the subtle guise of innocence but grow into something lethal. (Linda W Rooks, from the book “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation”)
• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.
Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (“you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes —scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)
• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)
• Shirley Glass (author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)
• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred.
What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage)
• Sin is born in the mind. When we daydream about a person of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, that is sin. When we “innocently” facilitate arrangements to be with someone else, we’re already in trouble. Rationalizing your thoughts about another person is deluding yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing or manipulating events, it is time to do a very fast U-turn.
That same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. Daydream about your spouse. Remember your wedding vows. Is there something you can do today, this week, to remind your spouse of the intimate relationship you’re called to have together? Daydream about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Focus on what is beautiful in him or her. If you find these exercises difficult, maybe it’s time to sit your spouse down and have a much-needed conversation.
Don’t let your marriage slide away because of neglect. Spend time with the person you committed to love in a marriage. You both entered the relationship hoping to have a love that would last a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to work on it when it needs some attention. Some of us have gotten the idea that if love takes work, then it must not be real, and it’s certainly not romantic. That is a lie. All relationships require energy and effort. Romance comes when you provide the environment for romance. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book, “Unfaithful”)
• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.
Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)
• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.
Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)
• First, you must admit to yourself your attraction to someone else. If you find that you’re convincing yourself everything is okay, it’s not. And that’s the point. If you’re not mature enough to blow the whistle on yourself, then you’re heading straight for danger. You’ll start hiding things —things you thought you would never do —and your prayer life will go down the tubes. You’ll be tormented, standing before your congregation without a clear conscience. Justification is one of the strongest indications there’s a problem.
Next, you must confess it. And you must change —that’s non-negotiable. I often hear people confess, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but…” and they continue dancing on the edge. In order to change, you have to cut off that relationship.
If you feel you cannot talk with your spouse about your thoughts or a situation, you set yourself up for trouble. You need to be honest—for both yourself and for her. Also, listen to your wife. Spouses are perceptive —often they’re the first to tune in to danger lurking in the shadows. On the other hand, be accountable to selected, trusted people, because there are times you can’t just lay this kind of stuff on your wife. Yes, you need to be forthright, but you need to protect her, too. You don’t want to continually discourage her and make her feel like chopped liver. (From the article titled “Dancing on the Edge” posted on Focusonthefamily.org.)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful, not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT, Soldier and Family Assistance Program Mgr.)
• Yes, an emotional affair is infidelity, and equally devastating because it’s the fact that he (she) put another woman (man) ahead of you in his (her) life. An affair is any stealing of intimacy that belongs in the marriage and giving it to another, whether emotional of physical. (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Do Emotional Affairs Constitute Infidelity?”)
• On the SUBJECT of EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS and VIEWING PORNOGRAPHY: Some 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it.
I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted —by the guy —as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)
• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses; they begin with lunch —or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. (Thus you know, in fact, that there’s something to get upset about.) You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all. Because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding.
By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it—which is to say that I carried on sending Louise e-mails, but much less frequently, and with a new and more measured emotional tone. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies. (From the article, “The New Infidelity” at Salon.com/sex/feature/2003/02/28/email/index.html)
• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)
• An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair —an affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)
• In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner. Fully 98% of males and 80% of females reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner, at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report having fantasies; but the imagined flings were still very common in young married couples, who often assumed that they should be immune. In short, almost everyone is doing it —at least in their heads. And usually they can’t talk about it, especially with the person closest to them.
This creates one of the universal paradoxes of romantic desire, a tension between public faithfulness and private longing for another, a secret life of the imagination. Some married people can live with this paradox and understand it as an entirely internal drama that in no way presages a real affair or reflects any need to stray. Yet even long-married people who are acutely aware of this double life and can joke with themselves about it aren’t always able to resolve their tension.
In a psychological sense, free-floating desire has provided the brain with an idea of infidelity, complete with expectations, curiosities and what-ifs. The frequency and vividness of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their love for a partner is fading, Levine said. Then something happens. A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights of an affair have already been richly imagined.
The consequences are now minimized: “Many couples survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it’s an experience, part of the richness of life,” a person might tell herself or himself. “Whatever the final provocation,” Levine said, “the person decides —actively makes a choice to participate at every step along the way.” (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003)
• ONLINE INFIDELITY —”There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online—is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. “There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.
“It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows —at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows,“ Mileham said. You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. Mileham said some think that it’s not cheating because there’s no physical contact with that person. “The number one justification is: I’m not touching anybody,” she said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)
• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers.
But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. “If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)
(USA) I just found out my husband of 5 yrs has been on Facebook with other women talking about sex and other things. For this man I have sent money for family funerals, medications for his mother, barrels of food to his home in Africa, took his brother food every week because he was sick and couldn’t work. Of course, my husband had to stay with him in his time of need to take care of him for a year and a year with the other brother before that (I know i was stupid). Needless to say, he with me to get his papers. I know this, so does everybody else. So now we are very close to get what he wants. I no longer can put up with anything more. So my question is do I or don’t I let him get his papers?
(USA) If there is any question AT ALL about the legality of his papers, I would not. You don’t owe that adulterer anything! God does allow Divroce fo this especially in a country so known for HIV.
God bless you. I pray that God comforts you and soon. It’s been nearly 2 years for my family and I’m still hurting so badly. I often cannot get up. But that is what the hatred and betrayal Satan dishes out does. Even Jesus cried over the betrayal of a friend and we that marry become one flesh. Love and prayers to you<3
(USA) I was a widow after 24 years of marriage and married husband #2 six years later. He was too good to be true, treated me like a queen and begged me to marry him. He kept insisting that “God chose me for him”. The minute we were on the altar, I started second guessing him and wanted to run out of the church but did not. Two days after our wedding, I came home and found him wearing his extremely thick-lensed glasses, which he NEVER wore during the 4 years before we wed. I felt immediately that he was not wearing the glasses because he no longer had to put up a false image in order to get me. He became extremely controlling, demanded that I turn over every check I earned to his control and also manipulated me to turn over a huge amount of money that I had saved from my first husband’s life insurance.
In time, he revealed a violent temper, threw things at me, including a 6 lb fire log from across the room, hitting my outstretched leg and causing such pain that I was certain it was broken. Four years ago, he lost his career, was forced to file for disability and as a result, became a different person. He is completely impotent (diabetes), cold, and will not sleep in the same bedroom with me. He is neglectful to me and refuses to do anything about it. He has all but abandoned me and the marriage. He looks for ways every single day to be away from the house and me. He has invented himself a new life without me. Two years ago, he chose to be with a younger man from church who didn’t have the ability to help himself out of a destitute situation. Mr Wonderful was with this guy every day of the week. He could have done all the necessary business within four hours but never came home until around 7 pm. When Mr. Wonderful’s dad died 5 yrs ago, he promised him that he would take care of his mom and sister with cerebral palsy who lived together in their home. We placed them together in an assisted living facility last year where they get all the care they need but my husband has become not only THEIR husband (not mine) but also another lady who lives at the facility.
For the past year, he leaves home early in the morning, drives 40+ miles one way to hang out at their place under the guise of “having to do everything for them.” The other lady he drives everywhere, takes her grocery shopping, to the tobacco store and then home to roll her cigarettes for her. He is very “chummy” with the nurses and other ladies who work there. He works very hard to seem charming and they all think that he is….MR. WONDERFUL. I have over and over and over tried to tell him I feel cheated on, neglected, alone and that I feel he is not honoring our marriage, relationship or committment to me. I have cited scripture to him regarding his duties to me. He flat out told me that he is doing “God’s Work” and God “TOLD ” him to do it. I told him that I did not believe that God would EVER tell him to neglect or go against his marriage in any way. He told me that he hears God’s voice and that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. I spend every day alone and he doesn’t come home now until 9, 10 or later at night. I am miserable, do not feel as though I have a husband at any time and the person who comes in my door every night is a stranger who I cannot stand to be around. The second he opens the door, he also opens his mouth and starts talking incessantly, saying eveything he has to say, busying himself with a lot of paper work from his day’s activities, sits at the computer until I go to bed, then goes to the family room and goes to sleep in the lazy boy.
Every single day and night I have prayed for change but with no result. We tried marraiage counseling 8 years ago. He walked out after the 2nd session when the counselor tried to tell him about himself. We tried a Christian counselor last year. I was ready to walk out of the marriage when we went to the first meeting but, somehow, this counselor worked miracles and let me cry until I couldn’t any more and things were better for a few weeks. We met with the counselor every week for about a month, then my husband again announced that he wasn’t coming back. He has done nothing to work on this marriage and I can’t do it myself. The only reason I stay is because of my Christian belief in what God wants me to do. I feel that my entire life is not a real marriage. It has been built on deception in every way possible. Emotional ties to other people, porn on the internet, professing to be a Christian but not living by the rules, constant lies and more make it an impossible situation for me to bear as I am a senior citizen with health issues developed from all the stress. I feel totally defeated and am actually trapped because I do not have any money of my own any more and he has plummeted us into bankruptcy, which will continue for the next four years. He is totally irresponsible with money, has controlled it from day one. I am “allowed” $20 a week. He, in his ugly greed, obtained and exhausted a lot of credit accounts. He forced me to get two in my name at Home Depot and Lowe’s because his credit had run out. He then ran them also to their limit. Now, I am responsible for the bankruptcy along with him. This is all just a synopsis of what my marriage and my life look like. I have logged almost every night for several years just so I could keep my own mind clear. Of course, he denies everything I say. I have done personality tests on him online and he fits the narcissistic profile to a tee with sociopathic traits.
I don’t believe that God intends for me to be miserable. Praying for years has not changed anything in either of us. We attend church every week and pretend that all is well. I’m tired of it all. I hate living with a liar, deceiver and Satan’s pawn. I feel like I am the fly that is trapped in the spider’s web and I don’t know how to get out. Just last night I feel absolutely STUPID. I told God that I was not going to be asking him for help with this relationship from now on. I don’t believe that he wants me in it.
(NAMIBIA) I was the one doing it… I feel very ashamed of my behavior but…(there is the but every one hates) I felt so alone in my marriage. My husband is a good man & he loves me very much as do I him, he looks after us and works hard so we can live a comfortable life… I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at first… until the texting started and I started deleting all messages in fear of my husband finding it. By then I was already “hooked” on the way the other man made me feel.
I realized that I do not want to lose my husband over an affair that will probably end in nothing. I love him and our daughter deserves to grow up in a happy home… that was when I told him…
(U.S.) I have been married for 20 years. I thought I had the perfect marriage. 1 year ago my wife met her high school friend and began a physical and emotional affair until I found texts, long phone calls averaging 10 calls a day or more. Some of the texts and emails said how much she enjoyed him when they were together and that she always loved him.
After being caught she is saying she didn’t mean it and that she had no intention of leaving the marriage. I thought, I have an email retrieved from my wife stating that she wants to take it one day at a time with the affair. After find out that he has 3 other girlfriends besides her. My wife is stating that she does not love him and she wants her marriage. She says that the affair is over. I am having a very hard time believing her. If she hadn’t gotten caught who knows where this would all be. My question is, can you involve yourself in an affair as such, and flip the script? -Willie
(USA) I have been speaking with a married man who is separated from his wife and is going forward with his divorce. He still lives in the same house with her but claims they do not live as man and wife. I have talked to him for 7 months now. Around the holidays he told me he loved me very much and the conversations got very steamy and sensual. He wanted to come visit me in March for a few days. He lives out of state.
However, Thursday night he called me, told me about two things his wife said he did, and then I blew up at him. I told him this has a been a virtual fantasy, that he couldn’t possibly be in love with me, that I was stepping out of the ring so he could concentrate on his divorce and that I did not want to see him until his divorce was final. He claimed he was so hurt and shocked by this that he was crying. Then I started crying since that for days on end, can’t sleep or eat and feel so guilty for hurting him. Was I right or wrong to end this? He won’t speak to me now. I miss his compliments and how he made me feel like a woman. But he was still married. We had to sneak phone calls.
Misty, What makes you trust this man that he ISN’T living as man and wife… is it because he pledged love to and attraction for you? I’m sure he did this with his present wife in the past, as well (and maybe still is… I’ve heard from spouses that are shocked at finding out about their spouse’s unfaithfulness because they still had a “love” life together themselves). Please don’t be under the disillusionment that just because someone APPEARS to be one way, that they are. Someone who cheats with you can just as easily cheat on you. I’ve seen this over and over and over and over again.
You have to know that your “future” with this man will never be secure. If you think you’re crying now, just wait. Invest more time, energy and emotions …perhaps even marrying this man someday and see how long things remain “steamy and sensual” and how secure you can be whenever you go through rocky times with him (ALL marriages go through rocky times… but this man has shown what he’s made of when that happens). You’ve only begun to cry. You are right in saying that this is a “virtual fantasy.” This is not sustainable… it’s a bio-chemical, imagination-fed relationship. You are smart to run in the other direction. He has shown you that he is not trust-worthy… his present wife can attest to that (no matter what picture he paints for you). Compliments can be easy to give to someone you aren’t married to and live with through good and bad times. And the person receiving them can thoroughly enjoy them. But can you TRULY trust them? I wouldn’t trust this man as far as I could throw him. “Compliments” and “tears” are not hard to give in the bubble world you and he have been living in.
Run. This man once pledged his love and devotion to his present wife in the past and is still married to her (even though he says he’s “going forward with his divorce”) and he’s courting you. What’s wrong with this picture? If you don’t see anything wrong in it, I pity you for the future wake-up call you will receive some day. Please run… flee… and ask God to help you to better guard your heart in the future. Don’t get involved with someone who is still married (even if a “divorce” in “going forward”). Don’t entangle your heart with someone who is still entangled with his present (or former) spouse.