The following are quotes on Emotional Infidelity from various resources that we pray will minister to your situation:
• An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail —they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.
These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt. (Cindy Crosby, from the Kyria.com article “Why Affairs Happen”)
• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else —late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.
The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)
• Extramarital affairs occur in the mind as well as the bedroom. Jesus taught that physical adultery and lust were one in the same. While they may carry different physical consequences, they do carry the same negative spiritual consequences. Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real.
…We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from an email sent out June 13, 2007 titled, Tempted to be in an affair?)
• You have heard it said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27)
• It is when we are the weakest that Satan tries to attack. When he sees a chink in our marriage, he will try to bring a bulldozer through. We need to guard our heart against these attacks, whether it is the temptation to enter into a sexual affair or a subtler affair of the heart. Nurturing quiet longings for another man (or woman) may seem harmless at first, but an affair of the heart puts forth barbs that can drag us out of God’s presence into a place of sin.
Sheep never plan to get lost. They graze and nibble their way off in the wrong direction, and before they know it, they have strayed from the shepherd into unknown territory. In the same way you drift into relationships that lead you away from God. Sin can begin in the subtle guise of innocence but grow into something lethal. (Linda W Rooks, from the book “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation”)
• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.
Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (“you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes —scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)
• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)
• Shirley Glass (author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)
• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred.
What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage)
• Sin is born in the mind. When we daydream about a person of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, that is sin. When we “innocently” facilitate arrangements to be with someone else, we’re already in trouble. Rationalizing your thoughts about another person is deluding yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing or manipulating events, it is time to do a very fast U-turn.
That same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. Daydream about your spouse. Remember your wedding vows. Is there something you can do today, this week, to remind your spouse of the intimate relationship you’re called to have together? Daydream about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Focus on what is beautiful in him or her. If you find these exercises difficult, maybe it’s time to sit your spouse down and have a much-needed conversation.
Don’t let your marriage slide away because of neglect. Spend time with the person you committed to love in a marriage. You both entered the relationship hoping to have a love that would last a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to work on it when it needs some attention. Some of us have gotten the idea that if love takes work, then it must not be real, and it’s certainly not romantic. That is a lie. All relationships require energy and effort. Romance comes when you provide the environment for romance. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book, “Unfaithful”)
• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.
Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)
• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.
Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)
• First, you must admit to yourself your attraction to someone else. If you find that you’re convincing yourself everything is okay, it’s not. And that’s the point. If you’re not mature enough to blow the whistle on yourself, then you’re heading straight for danger. You’ll start hiding things —things you thought you would never do —and your prayer life will go down the tubes. You’ll be tormented, standing before your congregation without a clear conscience. Justification is one of the strongest indications there’s a problem.
Next, you must confess it. And you must change —that’s non-negotiable. I often hear people confess, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but…” and they continue dancing on the edge. In order to change, you have to cut off that relationship.
If you feel you cannot talk with your spouse about your thoughts or a situation, you set yourself up for trouble. You need to be honest—for both yourself and for her. Also, listen to your wife. Spouses are perceptive —often they’re the first to tune in to danger lurking in the shadows. On the other hand, be accountable to selected, trusted people, because there are times you can’t just lay this kind of stuff on your wife. Yes, you need to be forthright, but you need to protect her, too. You don’t want to continually discourage her and make her feel like chopped liver. (From the article titled “Dancing on the Edge” posted on Focusonthefamily.org.)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful, not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT, Soldier and Family Assistance Program Mgr.)
• Yes, an emotional affair is infidelity, and equally devastating because it’s the fact that he (she) put another woman (man) ahead of you in his (her) life. An affair is any stealing of intimacy that belongs in the marriage and giving it to another, whether emotional of physical. (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Do Emotional Affairs Constitute Infidelity?”)
• On the SUBJECT of EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS and VIEWING PORNOGRAPHY: Some 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it.
I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted —by the guy —as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)
• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses; they begin with lunch —or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. (Thus you know, in fact, that there’s something to get upset about.) You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all. Because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding.
By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it—which is to say that I carried on sending Louise e-mails, but much less frequently, and with a new and more measured emotional tone. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies. (From the article, “The New Infidelity” at Salon.com/sex/feature/2003/02/28/email/index.html)
• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)
• An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair —an affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)
• In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner. Fully 98% of males and 80% of females reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner, at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report having fantasies; but the imagined flings were still very common in young married couples, who often assumed that they should be immune. In short, almost everyone is doing it —at least in their heads. And usually they can’t talk about it, especially with the person closest to them.
This creates one of the universal paradoxes of romantic desire, a tension between public faithfulness and private longing for another, a secret life of the imagination. Some married people can live with this paradox and understand it as an entirely internal drama that in no way presages a real affair or reflects any need to stray. Yet even long-married people who are acutely aware of this double life and can joke with themselves about it aren’t always able to resolve their tension.
In a psychological sense, free-floating desire has provided the brain with an idea of infidelity, complete with expectations, curiosities and what-ifs. The frequency and vividness of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their love for a partner is fading, Levine said. Then something happens. A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights of an affair have already been richly imagined.
The consequences are now minimized: “Many couples survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it’s an experience, part of the richness of life,” a person might tell herself or himself. “Whatever the final provocation,” Levine said, “the person decides —actively makes a choice to participate at every step along the way.” (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003)
• ONLINE INFIDELITY —”There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online—is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. “There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.
“It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows —at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows,“ Mileham said. You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. Mileham said some think that it’s not cheating because there’s no physical contact with that person. “The number one justification is: I’m not touching anybody,” she said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)
• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers.
But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. “If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)
(USA) Hi Deb, I am praying for you. Your neighbor is not your friend. You should proably stop talking to her. Look up Mort Fertel on the web. Maybe his program or book can help your situation. Peace and Blessings
(SA) I am in a relationship which by your definition would be an ’emotional affair’. I don’t think it is – we are good friends, and while we are curious about each other, we are both devoted to our spouses and would never cross the line. We fill gaps in our marriages that will not be filled by our spouses, and are ultimately happier people because of that. We believe this benefits us and our spouses because if we are happier and more fulfilled, then our marriages are happier. We tried not communicating for a while, but both of us were just miserable and unhappy. Now we communicate (not as regularly) about twice a week, though we are at this point not going to physically see each other, and we are both so much happier for it. This way everyone is happier too.
(USA) I am a computer professional with a graduate degree in a scientific discipline, and my wife can’t spell “usual” and has an IQ of about 85. I married her when I was young and naive – in no small part due to my struggles to be sexually pure as a young man. Now, I find that if I even have a friendship with a woman who I don’t have to condescend to, I’m being “emotionally adulterous” and risking the judgment of God. But I can’t find a single article or word of advice about my basic problem – I simply cannot relate to my wife on an equal level, and no amount of therapy, prayer, or deliberate acts of love done out of Christian duty on my part will ever change that. You can’t fix a low IQ. (And before I’m judged as a self-obsessed cad with a high opinion of himself, let me point out that I have done far more to consciously “love” my wife than you may think, virtually never having a harsh word for her and providing lavishly for her material needs.)
As far as I can see, my marriage must be a Cross by which God is crucifying me – and I have no option in life other than to withdraw socially from others. This seems quite disappointing. I guess when I finally get to Heaven, the Lord will reward me for my empty and disappointing life.
Is that all there is? Or is there any way that such an uneven marriage, where it’s a struggle even to have one single conversation where one partner doesn’t have to talk down to the other like a child, can provide emotional satisfaction and support?
(SOUTH AFRICA) Xino, I have felt a similar thing at times with my husband. A friend once asked me why I had “married beneath me” (in terms of IQ etc), and at first I didn’t know what to say. But after a while it hit me: a good heart is better than all the heads in the world.
I may have knowledge and IQ and a whole range of intellectual skills that my husband isn’t as strong in, but many times he has the love and humility and servant’s heart and kindness that I lack. And in God’s eyes, that’s what counts in the end. I’ve also had to find other avenues for ‘relating to people on an equal level’. They don’t necessarily have to lead to sinful emotional ties. Books make great friends! And I enjoy every opportunity for same-level conversation with other women. Work colleagues and family members also provide stimulating conversation without dangerous emotional ties.
I mention this in the hope that it will encourage you to look at your wife and focus on her heart and her character. No doubt she has some beautiful qualities that you can learn from, as I have learnt from my husband’s good heart :) Ultimately, it may also comfort you to know that God never makes mistakes. He put you two together for a reason :) God bless!
(USA) Thanks for the reply. I believe it’s probably easier, though, for women to deal with this problem than men. Women have closer relationships with other women, whereas men are not really that close to one another. At least in the United States, it’s seldom that men will ever talk to each other on a deeper level than saying “that was a great football game” or “that car is really sweeeet!”
It’s also probably harder for men to talk about – women are taught to expect men who are confident and in charge, and Christian men are taught to want submissive women. Complaining that a man is unintelligent is just another way of complaining that he lacks the ability to provide adequately for his family. Complaining that a woman is unable to care for herself or be an equal partner is seen as complaining against God’s supposed feminine ideal of a helpless woman who is worshipful towards her husband.
I’m not keen on the idea of replacing human contact with books, however; even if it is to avoid the supposed evil of having an opposite-sex friendship. Schizoid Personality Disorder is NOT God’s solution to unsatisfying relationships. I do believe that God wants us to be involved in the lives of our fellow creatures.
(SOUTH AFRICA) The books comment was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, by the way ;) Good books are great if all we’re looking for is intellectual stimulation, but obviously I don’t think that they replace other people.
I think you’re probably right about the gender dynamics and expectations affecting this too. It’s a pity that the ‘Christian’ ideas of masculinity and femininity have locked so many couples down into little boxes. Who really wants a husband who’s all head and no heart? Who really wants a wife who’s all sugar and no spice? It’s my opinion that many times these ideas are considered Christian, but they’re actually not all that biblical. Anyway, that’s a debate for another day…!
I guess I can’t really speak to your situation as a guy, but I can say that my own experience with this was incredibly frustrating at first, but eventually God used it to show me just how high and mighty I really think I am, and how He can use the (seemingly) foolish things of this world to shame the (self-proclaimed) wise :)
(USA) Are there times when things are different than an emotional “affair”, maybe a bond? About 3 years ago I became friends with a couple of people on an online support group for a profoundly debilitating illness. I literally was dying… my husband laughed and made fun of me saying it was all in my head since many doctors couldn’t make a diagnoses, one did, and called it “delusional”. I begged for help anywhere I could find it.
I am the mother of 3 of which my husband is not the father, he is deceased. My children have only me to love and protect them unconditionally. One person I met and became friends with is a male… and yes, I was attracted to his personality, knowledge, and the help he gave me. He helped me find treatment, and designed a personal nutritional plan with the medications and protocol taken into consideration. We did become great friends. I believe he truly saved my life. I was totally computer illiterate and my husband is a GENIUS with computers, in fact, that’s his line of work.
While I was searching for answers and trying to stay alive I knew he was in the other room watching porn… many, many times. He has been doing it since he was 12, that also being the age he had sex for the first time, with an 18 year old. He says it’s my fault if he’s caught since we were married, but lies to the death for the most part. He had an affair in 2009 with our pastor’s wife… my fault again. During the fallout of that he admitted that during my illness he didn’t love me and TOLD me he didn’t care if I DIED!!!
Yes, I am very close and very fond of the other man… but there has never once been any form of inappropriate conversation. He is a Christian person, that studies the Word faithfully and probably fifty percent of our conversations are about God and the Bible. We talk only two days a week these days although it used to be quite a bit more. My husband is demanding that I cut that relationship out of my life since he “cut all ties”, which he did not do willingly… forcefully in fact.
I have never met this man in person… I do love him, and I feel like I have a right to have a deep respect for this person. I honestly believe my husband is SO angry that I refused to keep going to the church where he was involved with the preacher’s wife that he is trying to punish me for it. He never, ever admitted one thing that there wasn’t concrete proof of, and I know, know… that he is still lying about how far that relationship went physically. To me that means he is protecting her, and will take it to the grave. He hasn’t shown remorse to ME personally. He has appeared to be remorseful in front of her husband.
I don’t know if what I have with this other person is an “emotional affair” or if my husband truly is just angry that he can’t lay eyes on her out in the open anymore and wants to hurt me because of it. He told me the night it all came out that he had been in love with her for nine years… she is 33, he is 47; I am 46. This started 2 years ago. How in the world does one compete with a female 13 years younger, and one that is ignorant to his manipulation and sexual addictions? She truly had no clue of the real motives behind his flattery. It’s about sex; it’s always about sex, always. I have been told he would fix things in the house if I would have sex with him for “payment”.
I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am very attracted to the other man’s character… never once has he made any sexual insinuations, never. The conversations about problems with spouse are not appropriate I know, and I have stopped sharing our problems with him. I think he likes to talk about world news and Godly attributes more than hearing the problems of my married life anyways.
I need your opinion. If the friend knows that my husband displays jealousy of our friendship, that truly is platonic if ever there has been one, is he in the wrong to keep in contact? I am very very sorry this has been so long, I have searched for a place to get help. I truly want to live in God’s will more than anything. I have a lot of anger and confusion, and really no trust for my husband, and much for my friend.
My husband has to my face told me he doesn’t care if I believe what he says… he has told so many lies I feel like he is insulting my intelligence almost every time there is a conversation about intimacy in our marriage. He lies, he knows I know he’s lying, and he really doesn’t care. I feel like he wouldn’t shed a tear if I left this minute. He isn’t close to anyone really, even his children from two previous marriages. I noticed early on in our almost 17 years of marriage that he doesn’t seem to develop any kind of close bonds, and that he doesn’t want me to be close to anyone, no one but him… I need help, I need your prayers, and any advice or scriptures that you feel led to share with me. Thank anyone who takes the time to read this… God bless you!
(MALAYSIA) If the victim of the cheater decided to walk through by giving a 2nd chance to the cheater, the pain that he/she caused were unbearable. Imagine how low the victim becomes, it breaks his/her self esteem. An emotional affair is even worse. Imagine the cheater telling the 3rd party how unhappy his/her marriage is in life due to ‘dot’ ‘dot’ ‘dot’; think of the humiliation caused by the cheater and such no respect at all to his/her spouse. The ‘fear’ (of getting hurt/betrayed again) carried by victims throughout the healing process. The self blamming that carried by victims also… depress, sleepless night, migraine… etc.
Due to one party cheating on the other, to make up to it… the work is more on the victim side. Victims work on how to make him/herself better as so to make the spouse fall back in love with him/her. Victims have to be supportive, being a superdad/mom, being a superlover, being superwife/husband and superfriend. The 3rd party always gets away with all this without the need to take any responsibility for hurting people (you remember this! “You kill someone or hurt someone you get to go to jail or lock up but this is the only situation to HURT people and get away freely ALL THE TIME. THIS IS SO CRUEL!!!) The cheater just needs to do few things 1) to gain back trust from wife/husband by making everything transparence 2) respect the spouse 3) Sacrifice his/her personal privacy time & be with spouse’s side all the time.
Lastly, my point is when infidelity occurs, always the victim has to work more in putting things to work together again and it’s a mess to clean up after their dirty work.
(PHILIPPINES) My marriage is at stake. I NEED advice.
(USA) I’m having a hard time forgiving my husband, have caught him twice with an old girlfriend.
(USA) I am a volunteer pastor and my wife has been really close to the music minister for over a year now. For a very long time I tried urging her to stop being so close to him for the sake of the rancid rumors that were starting, but she has done everything she could to keep the relationship in tact.
I have caught emotionally charged messages from both of them and the man seems to have built some sort of ownership on my wife that sickens me to the core. This year has been long and hard, which has made me pull away from her — but I DO NOT WANT TO divorce her. She refuses to stop the closeness. She is furious with me for thinking she should stop being friends because of rumors. But I cannot stand the guy and the rumors hurt me so bad.
They both claim it is harmless and accuse me of being sinful for not trusting them, but their relationship has weirded me out since the first month. Since then, I got angry and she stopped being affectionate at all. No kisses, no love you’s, no sex. I am lost.
She says she has to “heal” because of me being so hard on her before she can be restored to me… but I feel like I have been forgotten and urinated on the two of them.
(JAMAICA) I have been emotionally connected to someone who has been married for almost 2 yrs now. At first it was intense as everyone said. However, I must honestly say when it was getting too hot he created some boundaries. He distinctly states that we should not become too attached as this can create problems.
He has become my best friend and though we shared those earlier moments, we both respect each other. If our line of text is taking on too much intimacy he either changes the subject or he does not respond to it at that moment.
(USA) I just emailed this to my husband of 13 yrs. I am not religious but I am spiritual, I guess you could say. I’ve raised my kids not to lie cheat and steal. I got into an emotional cheating situation 2 years ago and I admitted to it and was ready to divorce over it. My husband remained and wanted me back so badly. I didn’t stay because of that though. I took a step back and realized while he may have been distant and didn’t share a lot with me, we had a chance and leaving wasn’t our solution. We’ve had a complete turn around and the guy I was talking to was a high school boyfriend. He’s written me this past Christmas. I told him I was happy and I have no clue why he cropped up again. My guess is, just like last time his life isn’t going as great as he says, or why would he email me? Well, since going through this, I know the signs and I flat out told him hey, great for you, but I’m happy and no, we cannot stay friends!!
I immediately told my husband and we were okay. Well, I admit it, I’m nosey and I found he has been messaging his friend’s wife that he hasn’t seen in about 10 years. I quickly admitted to snooping and became enraged because he shared a secret with her. She was emailing him about her actual cheating husband, wanting to know did my husband know anything! Well, he didn’t and he doesn’t talk to this guy now.
All I saw was the one message but I’m still so angry over it. I’m angry because he thinks it’s innocent, and maybe it is at this stage, but I’ve been there. I know where all that confiding and sympathy leads! I also confronted her and she played hurt too.
I know I’m not crazy! I feel like the parent telling their child not to make the same mistakes they did. I just hope it’s not falling on deaf ears. Your spouse should be your very best friend, you should be able to talk about anything and everything and if you don’t or can’t. They shouldn’t be your spouse! Just because I messed up once doesn’t mean I will do that ever again! How do I make him understand? I love him; I love us. I am especially careful how I relate to guys now so there’s never any confusion about my intentions and my loyalty to my husband. But I feel like he doesn’t have that same level of commitment because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, only me. It’s so frustrating.
I’m going to send this article and hope he looks inside himself and sees what he was doing was disloyal to me. Even if he didn’t have any sinful intention in his heart, it’s a slippery slope.
I hope reading this helps even one person to understand their situation too. You’re not alone. Defend your marriage, maybe I get a little too hyped up, but it’s because I believe in mine!!
(AUSTRALIA) Just stumbled over you website, found it very interesting knowing others are in similar situations to me. My husband of 28 years was discovered of leading a double life a year ago. What a journey! We are working through stuff but boy, it is tough. I wonder if anyone has advice for me.
My husband works away from home, which makes it really hard with the trust issue and even working on our relationship. He works three weeks away and has one week at home. I am finding it hard to embrace this lifestyle anymore. My husband says we have no option and he wants to be a good provider.
I find it hard when I know he works with women and has no accountability if he chose to go astray again. He says he never will. How do I believe him and become the enthusiastic wife he wants me to be? I am a Christian and know ultimately God is in control. I wonder if there is anyone who has to deal with similar issues and has some positive advice.
(USA) I’ve been struggling recently. I’m not married yet but I’m in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. He’s a great guy and does not struggle in the way that I do.
I recently started dealing with my heart getting excited for a guy I used to have a crush on two years ago. I don’t want to be with this guy and it makes me cry every time I think about it. The moment I let my thoughts jump to it I feel sick inside because I know I don’t want him. I don’t want to desire anyone else but my boyfriend and that’s why it hurts. I just want to be free from this divided heart and to be able to enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend.
I’m thankful God has brought this evil to light in my heart, because I never want to go into a marriage with sin like this lingering in me. I just ask for advice and prayer over dealing with this and killing it. Thank you!
Raya, I don’t know if this is something you should “kill” or if it’s something you need to work through in other ways. The fact that you AREN’T married yet, gives you the opportunity to truly pray if you should forget about this other guy or not. Truly, I’m not sure. Sometimes we WANT to go in one direction so badly, that we don’t fully give the other direction the prayerful consideration it needs.
Go into the topic, “Is He or She the One” and pray and read and see what God reveals about both of these guys. Things aren’t completely “serious” until we marry. Don’t marry prematurely. Work through your old feelings, and replace them with Truth and what is truly best for all, in the long run. I’m confident God will direct you as you lean upon Him, rather than your own short-sighted understanding at this point. Give Him elbow room. I pray God’s best for you.
(USA) Husband and I were separated and in that separation he got close to another woman of WHICH I KNOW. He stated that he loves her but not like he said… He has switched his attention back to me, his wife. But she is in my life, and I am sometimes jealous. Like raging jealous… she kept telling him that he was married.
Anyways… I know that they did petting but that is all. Is that cheating? He has told me the truth but she has NOT. She wants to be my friend. But how can I be her friend if everything that she says to me is a LIE? Help… Thank you.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi Bobby -No you cannot be friends with this woman. You need to cut her loose. There are plenty of other people that you can be friends with. Yes, you need to forgive your husband and this ‘friend’, as you cannot be happy if you harbour bitterness in your heart. Even if you and your husband do not repair your relationship, you still need to heal. You cannot heal if you have this woman in your life as she will be a constant reminder of what happened. No, you are not a mean person if you tell her you can’t be her friend. You are just doing the best you can for you and hopefully your marriage.
Yes, absolutely, your husband was most certainly cheating with this woman. All the best.
(US) Almost 4 years ago I kissed another woman while married. I confessed and repented and have apologized to the person that I kissed. I told them what a HUGE mistake I made and I explained that I wanted to live solely committed to God and my wife. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m forgiven. I’m also involved in various ministries and God has blessed me. However, I have never told my wife. I have read, prayed, researched what others say about this and I’m more confused than ever. Some say that I have a responsibility to confess to my wife. Others say that I shouldn’t. I’m stuck in the middle and don’t know which way to go. She told me a long time ago that if I ever cheated she couldn’t stay with me. I don’t know what to do…
(GERMANY) I need help. I found out my husband (married 20 years) has been having an emotional affair. He has been unhappy in our marriage because when we argue it turns into full blown fighting and he has stopped telling me anything real. He has as a result, turned to this other woman he met on the internet. I confronted him and he said they are just friends but they have a connection and he really likes her. He said there has been nothing physical although he has met her twice in a cafe to talk.
I find all of this hard to believe. On his phone bill I have seen calls many times during the day sometimes as early as 7 in the morning or as late as 10 in the evening, sometimes from home. I told him I was uncomfortable with this “friendship” and don’t believe it is only a friendship. He has assured me he does not want to be with her and is committed to me. Now instead of him calling her, I assume she calls him and they do text, he has admitted that. He said he is reducing the contact with the intent of ending it but he doesn’t want to be mean. He said he feels it is driving wedge between us and wants to concentrate on us.
I told him I can’t live with a third party in our marriage and if he wants her he should go if not, she needs to go. Something in me though, has a hard time believing him and I find myself doubting everything he says. I am so confused and find it hard to work on our relationship and give him all my love without any reservations when I know there is still some form of contact with her. He is being very attentive and is really trying to work on our marriage and has shown me that he is committed, but how can he be committed if there is still texting and phoning going on? Part of me wants to just leave him and have him decide, but is that Godly or should I just love him, become a better wife, and wait for the Lord to move? Or am I condoning his behavior by staying? Please help.
So, let me get this right. Your husband “wants” to break it off with this other woman but he doesn’t want to be “mean” by breaking it off with her suddenly. Does this woman understand what MARRIAGE is about –exclusivity in a man and woman relationship? And he doesn’t want to be “mean” to her, but instead he’ll settle to be “uncaring” to you as far as hurting your heart over this matter. He wants you to be the understanding one here, not her. Who is he married to –you or this other woman? If he cares for you, he will tell her in a nice way, but immediately, that he has overstepped his bounds and wants to invest his energy in caring for his wife, instead of spreading his time with her and his wife. He can wish her a good life, but then do what it takes not to be involved in it. That will free her up to find healthier friendships or to find a man to give her exclusivity, who isn’t married to someone else. Your husband needs to stop the phone calls and emails –both to her and from her. His wife should mean more to her than friendship with another woman –unless he’s not a man of integrity and sincerity –which for some reason I think he can be, if he applies himself.
And then you and your husband need to start investing time together to connect. That’s what I assume you did before you married, and your love grew. Do it now to keep your love and intimacy growing. You don’t put gas in a car for a while and then stop and expect it to keep getting you where you want to go without putting more gas in it. It’s the same with love. You don’t just romance each other and spend time talking and being together before marriage and expect your love to keep growing. Keep investing and your love for each other will keep growing. Be his internet buddy, if that’s what he needs. And/or find ways to talk over coffee or take walks together or whatever, to talk and dream together and enjoy each other.
And learn ways to stop devastating each other when you conflict. Make sure that when you do conflict, you don’t throw respect out of the window. That is do-able. My husband and I and many, many others have learned these skills. We know one couple that was married 42 years and they were able to do it and have a terrific and very close marriage now. We have a lot on this web site that could help you in this mission. BOTH of you need to invest in YOUR relationship instead of building relationships with others who will rob you of the connection that YOU should have with each other. It’s not too late to turn your marriage around in a great direction if you’re willing to do what it takes.