The following are quotes on Emotional Infidelity from various resources that we pray will minister to your situation:
• An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail —they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.
These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt. (Cindy Crosby, from the Kyria.com article “Why Affairs Happen”)
• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else —late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.
The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)
• Extramarital affairs occur in the mind as well as the bedroom. Jesus taught that physical adultery and lust were one in the same. While they may carry different physical consequences, they do carry the same negative spiritual consequences. Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real.
…We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from an email sent out June 13, 2007 titled, Tempted to be in an affair?)
• You have heard it said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27)
• It is when we are the weakest that Satan tries to attack. When he sees a chink in our marriage, he will try to bring a bulldozer through. We need to guard our heart against these attacks, whether it is the temptation to enter into a sexual affair or a subtler affair of the heart. Nurturing quiet longings for another man (or woman) may seem harmless at first, but an affair of the heart puts forth barbs that can drag us out of God’s presence into a place of sin.
Sheep never plan to get lost. They graze and nibble their way off in the wrong direction, and before they know it, they have strayed from the shepherd into unknown territory. In the same way you drift into relationships that lead you away from God. Sin can begin in the subtle guise of innocence but grow into something lethal. (Linda W Rooks, from the book “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation”)
• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.
Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (“you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes —scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)
• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)
• Shirley Glass (author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)
• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred.
What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage)
• Sin is born in the mind. When we daydream about a person of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, that is sin. When we “innocently” facilitate arrangements to be with someone else, we’re already in trouble. Rationalizing your thoughts about another person is deluding yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing or manipulating events, it is time to do a very fast U-turn.
That same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. Daydream about your spouse. Remember your wedding vows. Is there something you can do today, this week, to remind your spouse of the intimate relationship you’re called to have together? Daydream about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Focus on what is beautiful in him or her. If you find these exercises difficult, maybe it’s time to sit your spouse down and have a much-needed conversation.
Don’t let your marriage slide away because of neglect. Spend time with the person you committed to love in a marriage. You both entered the relationship hoping to have a love that would last a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to work on it when it needs some attention. Some of us have gotten the idea that if love takes work, then it must not be real, and it’s certainly not romantic. That is a lie. All relationships require energy and effort. Romance comes when you provide the environment for romance. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book, “Unfaithful”)
• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.
Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)
• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.
Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)
• First, you must admit to yourself your attraction to someone else. If you find that you’re convincing yourself everything is okay, it’s not. And that’s the point. If you’re not mature enough to blow the whistle on yourself, then you’re heading straight for danger. You’ll start hiding things —things you thought you would never do —and your prayer life will go down the tubes. You’ll be tormented, standing before your congregation without a clear conscience. Justification is one of the strongest indications there’s a problem.
Next, you must confess it. And you must change —that’s non-negotiable. I often hear people confess, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but…” and they continue dancing on the edge. In order to change, you have to cut off that relationship.
If you feel you cannot talk with your spouse about your thoughts or a situation, you set yourself up for trouble. You need to be honest—for both yourself and for her. Also, listen to your wife. Spouses are perceptive —often they’re the first to tune in to danger lurking in the shadows. On the other hand, be accountable to selected, trusted people, because there are times you can’t just lay this kind of stuff on your wife. Yes, you need to be forthright, but you need to protect her, too. You don’t want to continually discourage her and make her feel like chopped liver. (From the article titled “Dancing on the Edge” posted on Focusonthefamily.org.)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful, not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT, Soldier and Family Assistance Program Mgr.)
• Yes, an emotional affair is infidelity, and equally devastating because it’s the fact that he (she) put another woman (man) ahead of you in his (her) life. An affair is any stealing of intimacy that belongs in the marriage and giving it to another, whether emotional of physical. (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Do Emotional Affairs Constitute Infidelity?”)
• On the SUBJECT of EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS and VIEWING PORNOGRAPHY: Some 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it.
I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted —by the guy —as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)
• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses; they begin with lunch —or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. (Thus you know, in fact, that there’s something to get upset about.) You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all. Because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding.
By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it—which is to say that I carried on sending Louise e-mails, but much less frequently, and with a new and more measured emotional tone. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies. (From the article, “The New Infidelity” at Salon.com/sex/feature/2003/02/28/email/index.html)
• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)
• An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair —an affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)
• In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner. Fully 98% of males and 80% of females reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner, at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report having fantasies; but the imagined flings were still very common in young married couples, who often assumed that they should be immune. In short, almost everyone is doing it —at least in their heads. And usually they can’t talk about it, especially with the person closest to them.
This creates one of the universal paradoxes of romantic desire, a tension between public faithfulness and private longing for another, a secret life of the imagination. Some married people can live with this paradox and understand it as an entirely internal drama that in no way presages a real affair or reflects any need to stray. Yet even long-married people who are acutely aware of this double life and can joke with themselves about it aren’t always able to resolve their tension.
In a psychological sense, free-floating desire has provided the brain with an idea of infidelity, complete with expectations, curiosities and what-ifs. The frequency and vividness of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their love for a partner is fading, Levine said. Then something happens. A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights of an affair have already been richly imagined.
The consequences are now minimized: “Many couples survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it’s an experience, part of the richness of life,” a person might tell herself or himself. “Whatever the final provocation,” Levine said, “the person decides —actively makes a choice to participate at every step along the way.” (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003)
• ONLINE INFIDELITY —”There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online—is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. “There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.
“It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows —at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows,“ Mileham said. You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. Mileham said some think that it’s not cheating because there’s no physical contact with that person. “The number one justification is: I’m not touching anybody,” she said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)
• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers.
But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. “If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)
(USA) Hi Alice, One other book that would be beneficial to both you AND your husband would be "His Needs, Her Needs – Affair Proof Your Marriage" by Dr. Willard Harley. It sounds as though your husband is in an accountable state of mind right now and would be open to reading it.
It breaks down how/why affairs can end up happening and puts it in an interesting format of the "love bank" and how spouses’ love banks can become bankrupt b/c one or both has put the marriage on the "back burner" in the sense that they start taking things for granted, life gets in the way, etc. etc.
The book breaks down affair type of situations in a very readable way and takes it a lot deeper than just "he/she wanted to be with someone else." It’s always deeper than that. I highly recommend it for you to read and your spouse. I think it will help you both not only heal (you’ll see what happened to him and he’ll feel like he isn’t the ONLY person to have ever fallen into that temptation) and it will also guide you both in moving on to the future with a healthier set of habits. Healing is necessary but so it going on to the future with a different set of habits otherwise the same things might keep happening over and over again.
Highly recommend it!! God bless, LT
(U.S.) Thanks LT. I am going to go to a Christian bookstore this weekend and try to find the books that you and Anne told me about. I have been writing my thoughts down on paper everyday. It helps me to express how I feel without yelling at my husband. He is already nervous to come home from work each day cause he doesn’t know what to expect from me. I know he is sorry. It is just it will still take time for me. I am still going to have hard days. I need him to keep proving to me he loves me. I feel a little insecure.
I know I need to get closer to God again. I have just felt so guilty for how I have acted. I mean I am usually someone who never cusses but I have found that I have been more then ever. I just have had days so bad that I couldn’t control it. I just need to get to the point where I turn to God and trust in him again. I know he has always been there for me. I know he is very real.
I have read from someone though that it is okay to have days when I get mad or sad. They say it helps to heal. So for now I just feel like I need to do that or I will go crazy. I hope it doesn’t last long. Just please, whoever reads my messages, just pray for me to get to the point where I can trust my husband again, and to be able to forgive. Thanks.
(CANADA) Hi Alice how you doing? I’m glad that you’re gonna get those books. I need to get the one LT recommended, I’ve heard about it but never got it. I’m sorry about your bad days but they’ll happen trust me, I’ve gone through them and still do. It’s good that you’re writing your thoughts down coz I started journaling when my husband and I had issues and it helps coz you write down all that you feel.
I know how hard it gets during those hard days. Just remember to pray and tell God how you feel. Yes, I let myself feel whatever it was that I was feeling but keep in mind that God doesn’t want us to sin in our anger and also remember that there’s a time to speak and a time to be silent. It’s hard sometimes to just keep quiet but it helps to keep the peace.
I still have days when those thoughts come in my mind and I wonder if they still talk and that’s when all that they did comes in my mind and I get angry. Now all I do is pray and ask the Holy spirit to direct my thoughts. You should actually thank God coz your husband was remorseful. Mine wasn’t and he told me that… I was broken but I prayed and let God deal with it.
I’ll pray for you a lot and pray for me too. If you see your husband doing something to make up for it, commend him, keeping in mind that it’s all your prayers and the prayers of others working. I know we’ll get through this. We just need to be patient and continue trusting God with everything. Loads of love, talk to you soon.
(U.S.) Hi Anne, thanks for writing me back. Yes I can’t wait to get those books. My husband hates reading but if I read it to him he’ll be fine. I think he’ll be okay with it cause he will know it’s important to me. I do believe he is truly sorry. I do believe too that he won’t do it again. He at least did not go too far with her. He actually met her online. That’s how they got to know each other. He hasn’t been on the computer at all since. He is already proving to me that I am important.
He told me to give him some credit cause he did come to me and tell me. He said he felt terrible he let it go that far. The other lady really got attached to him. She was telling him she loves him and everything. He said he never loved her. He has always just loved me and wanted me. I’ll admit we weren’t spending time together as much as we should. I know men need that physical attention. I was just going through a difficult time in my life.
I know now that I need to be more available to him. I need to focus not only on my needs, but his as well. I love being with him. I just went through a time where I guess I was feeling depressed. It made me feel unattractive and stuff. Well, he makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I know we will work things out. He is trying very hard. We actually have a date night tonight. I am not sure what we will do but just having time alone without the kids will be great.
Thanks for praying for us. I will definitely do the same for you. It feels good to know that other people out there care. I am so glad that I found this website.
I will keep you updated. I am very excited for tonight. I think the alone time will help us to focus on each other and how we truly feel about each other.
(USA) Hi Alice, Can I make a suggestion about where to go on your date? The movie “Fireproof” is a great movie to go to — men enjoy it as well as women. We have a link provided on the Home Page so you can view a few clips of it. You will find the link provided in the “Fireproof Discussion Page.”
Also, for additional ideas for other times, you can go to the “Romantic Ideas” section of the web site. You’ll find all kinds of things listed there and links to other web sites that can help you even further. I pray your date goes well. May God go with you :)
(KENYA) It’s is nice to know that there are many resources that help one deal with emotional infidelity. I happened to go through my partners phone and found messages of him exchanging good night hugs (physical intimacies) via text messages to someone he says is just a friend. What is truly shocking to me is that he was so mad about me going through his phone. I believe this is because he has been carrying on such kind of inappropriate texting for a while now.
I feel betrayed because he professes how honest he is. According to me if this friend was as innocent as he says, he would have told me about it. He is the kind who does not even want me to show up at his work place let alone introduce me to his female friends. It has been close to five days since I found out and I am seriously thinking of quitting. I have never involved myself emotionally or otherwise with any other man since I got into this relationship let alone think it. It’s a very painful thing to find out that the one you love is involved emotionally with another and even worse that he can carry secret meetings and messages with this other person. I feel very betrayed.
(US) I am an 55-year-old ESL tutor who truly fell into an emotional affair by accident, with a 50-year old student. This man is not physically attractive to me and I’m sure I am not physically attractive to him (gray hair, overweight, etc)! We just really enjoyed each other’s company and we were both lonely (he’s divorced and my husband travels a lot).
One day I suddenly realized how much this student meant to me (we had started telling each other our life stories, seeking advice from each other, and confiding problems) and then he indicated a wish to get together "as friends" (I know he meant it only that way) outside of tutoring sessions. I really wanted to meet with him but felt guilty.
It started to make me feel crazy, as I have strict beliefs about marital faithfulness, so I went to a counselor who advised me to terminate the relationship. I did quietly resign as his tutor citing schedule issues and I also told my husband that I had resigned because I felt uncomfortable with the student’s request that we get together. I did not tell my husband that I struggled with wanting to get closer with the student — so I guess there’s more fessing up to do at some point.
Frankly I’m hoping I do not have to ever do that, as it would hurt my husband that I’d even consider getting close to someone else, and he might go from being rarely available to totally gone. Interestingly, since I mentioned all this to him, my husband has become very attentive and frisky — maybe because he got a little jealous — not necessarily a bad thing for an old lady like me!
(USA) Could you email me this page? It happens and unless someone doesn’t have eyes to see anything, it could be considered infidelity.
(USA) Hi Remy, You can actually do this yourself. After each article you will find an “EMAIL/PRINT” section. You can email the link for any page to yourself or to a friend, or you can click on “Print” where a printer-friendly page will come up for you to print. Or you can simply make a copy of this page as it is and copy it in the content of an email and send it to yourself or a friend. I hope this helps.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has had sexting/texting affairs– 2 years ago I caught him in a texting/email affair –and of course his gaining my trust back has been hard. I found out 3 weeks ago he is texting another woman and she has sent him pictures of herself–in her bra and breasts. He also looks at porn on the internet of woman. We have 4 kids and I am only 36. I still love my husband and want to save my marriage. I have been to a Christian counselor and when I confront him I want us to go to counseling –if he agrees.
I have prayed about this for about 2 years now and now I am not sure what God wants for our marriage. He is not saved and doesn’t know God very well. I am scared. I don’t want to be divorced. I think he has an addiction–like sex/porn addiction. I think he is sick– please pray for me and my husband!! Thanks.
(UNITED STATES) My husband began talking to other woman online about a year after our little girl was born. He says he began because other men at his work were doing it and he began so not to feel left out. I really didn’t think there was anything going on for a long time.
I did notice a change in him, but the change didn’t come until about 7 months into his cheating. I found a picture of his intimates being sent out to another woman and when I confronted him he said he had no idea, that that picture was meant for me. He begged and begged and I forgave him.
But then a month later on vacation I discovered a phone number and I called it. When I confronted him about it he denied it. I cried my heart out and he said i was just blowing things out of proportion. I had no idea how long this had been going on until i discovered a text that read “do you still want to continue this relationship”. Then everything blew up!!! Even when this one blew up he didn’t come fwd about the past year.
He currently is deployed but I have such a hard time dealing w/ his infidelity that when we do talk, all I do is argue w/ him. It isn’t fair or healthy to him or me and I feel bad because he is deployed, at war. i just need someone to vent to, to hear me out.
(CANADA) I have been through a six month hell, and for those who do not believe in emotional affairs – I have a story to tell. My wife has always been loyal – no questions asked; we were married for 24 years. She is 47 and so when a younger colleague friend of mine, 32 years old, who was going through a divorce, asked to live with us I said no problem and my wife seemed sympathetic. So months passed and I noticed my wife becoming more emotionally distant over time. I did not think anything of it, just she was working through something.
One day on when I was driving her to work she asked me for a separation agreement where we could “live together but be separated.” I thought it was a bizarre request (we have two kids) so I thought it was for the kids but then told her my experience is that when someone asks for this they usually have someone else in mind. I asked her, who? She did not deny or confirm it. Then I decided to check her facebook and emails and found she was obsessed with my friend and was buying him gifts forwarding emails on to him and posting his pictures on Facebook. Now I say, how could I have been so blind? I know nothing happened sexually – but the thought she was planning to be with him, separating from me to be with him, times we would go out she was happier to be with him than me – I cannot get over the betrayal. So those who think emotional affairs are a joke, think again. It spelled the end for a 25 year relationship…
(USA) Fred, it doesn’t have to be the end. After 25 years do you really think your wife can throw it all away for someone she is infatuated over!? Think about it… she’s been married 25 years, 2 kids, and 47 years old. This guy has only made her feel young and desired… maybe. When she comes back to reality she will know you and your children are more important than anything or anyone else in the world. If you love her and want to save this marriage then do the impossible. Wait it out. She will return home after she realizes what a fool she has been.
(ZIMBABWE) I had the shock of my life when I discovered that my husband had texted a so called old friend, I had never heard about, a message telling her he can’t sleep. It was around midnight. Then I discovered he was meeting and communicating with a childhood sweetheart who had betrayed him years back before we met. Upon confronting him, he tells me it’s nothing, he got over her long back so there is nothing wrong with meeting her and wouldn’t stop. And this is even before we have a child.
(USA) Hello, I just discovered that my husband has been talking and texting his ex-coworker for the past 6 months or longer. The calls and texts are so frequent during the course of this interaction, into the wee hours of the morning. Of course, he says that are just friends and she is just like one of the guys. He also states that nothing sexual has ever occurred. I am having a hard time dealing with this because an emotional affair is worse than physical.
(USA) It’s been 3 long emotional months, that my husband had told me he was not in love with me any longer. I asked him if he was having an affair with our friend and neighbor; he said no, but later admitted he was in love with her. I know it’s an emotional affair. I know everything about it, and now he wants a dissolution of marriage. I have been in 2 different counseling sessions, he had gone 2 times. The 2nd time, he said that this is not going to work out. He is gone from the home.
He wants me to spend Christmas with him and our children here at home. I told him I couldn’t pretend to be this happy family, and not have tension in the house with the children and grandkids there. I told him NO! He still goes next door and sees her. She talks to me and tells me over and over, that she doesn’t want a relationship with my husband, and that she tells him that nothing will ever go farther than just a friendship. He is jealous that she and I talk, knowing how he feels about her. He has become jealous of our children, our adult boys who talk to her, thinking there is something going on with her. He has become obsessed with her, and is now showing signs of being more possessive with her. She still continues too talk to him. She is a natural flirt, and a very caring individual. Heck, if I was a lesbian, I would be attracted to her.
I never knew, until 3 months ago that there was a problem with our marriage, other than normal things. He claims he has been feeling abanoned by me for 4 years, and that he has tried to tell me something was wrong. Well, I have been going through depression and have withdrawn from him to some degree. But we still made love and did things together, up until 3 months ago. He is ready to throw 20 years of marriage away, because he wants more in his life. He wants to get out and do more things and experience life.
However, he is willing to enter into a relationship with our friend, when she gives him the okay. She has 3 children under 18 years old. 2 of which are special needs children. She has no outside job, other than she makes crafts, and doesn’t go or do anything without her children. He is willing to be there for her and the children and to have a relationship with her. I know that even if anything did grow with them that it will not last, because they are too much alike. Very stubborn, she does things her way, and doesn’t like her toes stepped on. He steps on them.
The problem is I don’t want to end my marriage yet, and he is pushing me to sign dissoulution papers. I believe that I need to drag this out as long as I can tolerate it. Maybe he will snap out of it… Any advice would be greatly appreciated.