Marriage Missions International

Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

When it comes to emotional abandonment:

“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:

  • ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
  • ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
  • ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
  • ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’

“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)

Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home —which often seems to complicate the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?

Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.

But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.

To give you some type of insight into what may be causing emotional shut downs and what a spouse can do to turn things around in a better direction, we have found several web site articles that we believe will help. Please click onto the links below to read:

HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS

MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site, not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue, which you may want to consider:

• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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Comments

149 Responses to “Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out”
  1. David says:

    (USA)  I need help with my marriage. My wife refuses to have sex, show affection, go to counseling and hides behind scripture and makes excuses to continue to have this dead relationship. How can a problem be fixed without anybody doing what they should to get the ball rolling? I get no credit for the good I do and the fact that I repented for my wrongs doesn’t seem to matter.

    I’m tired of living like this and it makes hollering and cursing feel like nothing wrong even though I know it’s not helping. I need to know how can the power she’s using be put to an end? We have two young daughters and I don’t want them to be without either of us. Could somebody tell my wife that she’s not helping by emotionally abandoning me? Thank You.

  2. Mike says:

    (USA)  My wife and I are about to go to counseling for the first time tomorrow. We have only been married about 3 years. We started off so strong. We were in love and in lust, and for a long time it stayed that way. I never wanted to be apart from her, and still don’t. We were working for a theme park at the time we met on a contract of 8 months. We met the first day, and were engaged to be married in about 3 months.

    Those were magical times. We were so in love it was insane. Then the contract ended and we had to make a choice where to move. So we moved in with my parents. Our plan was to get jobs, raise some money before we got married and move into our own place. Well, in the economic times finding a job was really hard. I found one within a month or two and we started saving, but my wife was having trouble finding a job. Her parents were pressing her to not “waste her degree” claiming the state of New Jersey was “hard” to get a job in. She started to become depressed, and starting popping oxycontin here and there. She then got a random email from a company in Wisconsin and decided this was a good opportunity and applied to the position.

    She told me about it, and I was devastated. I had just got a really good job, followed the plan, I was supporting us and she was repaying me with this quite “we could live separately for a while, then get back together”! We had not even gotten married yet!!! Just to add she does claim to this day that she was very selfish and would never leave me, but at the time she was very serious about it. I was madly in love with her and what she said broke my heart. I would weep at work, and even gave in and said I would apply to the same company.

    She ended up getting rejected via mail, but this was such a heartbreaking situation that I went numb, and was fearful she would leave me for the next job that emails her. In the months and years following this I became cold, and developed jealous habits. I felt as if she did not care as much as I did so I started to push her away. When we would fight I would end up saying I want a divorce out of anger a lot, and she would crumble and beg me to stop saying it. Looking back on it I know I was breaking her heart and it was so vindicitive. I hate myself for not just burying the hatchet and loving my wife as best I could.

    Well, lately we had been issues with our physical relationship in many ways. First off she is rarely home. She works as a dance teacher and her classes are at night, as well as being a server at a restaurant. I am in construction so I am gone during the early morning and day.

    The lack of seeing her was starting to take its toll on me. While we had our fights and I had resentment issues dating back to her trying to leave me for a job I still love her so much. She started to become a little distant and smoking a lot of marijuana. I am not against the stuff, but she smokes all day now. It started to worry me.

    Being I am immature though, I handled the situation by being vindictive. I felt closed off, so I closed her off. It made it worse. We stopped talking and it seemed she did not care. Then one night she just walks out the door does not say goodbye or I love you at about 9pm. She returns home at about 1AM and her eyes are crazy bloodshot. Apparently she was out smoking with some creepy older man who I can’t stand and she knows it. I totally lose it and say. “who are you? You are like a zombie, I don’t love you anymore I want a divorce!”

    Well, that was apparently the last straw. We did make up at first and I truly do regret taking it that far and I really am seeing the error of my ways here, but a month after me saying that my wife came to me one day and said she could not get the picture of my face saying “I don’t love you” out of her head, and that she thinks she can no longer give me the love and affection she once could.

    For the first time ever I thought my marriage was really over. I crumbled. I have been crying for a month and my wife is being sexually distant. I begged her to let me try everything within my power to become a better less angry person. She agreed to marriage counseling but assured me that it was possible she may never be able to give me love and affection anymore.

    Well, it has been a month since that conversation and marriage counseling is tomorrow. In that month I cried like a madman for the first few weeks. Just out of control sobbing. I would bring up my pain to her from time to time and she claimed to be in pain to and I saw that, but it seemed the issue could not be talked about anymore. So I just started showing my wife unconditional love. I touch her when I can, and with each day she appears to let her guard down a little more. We have gotten in a few fights that have tested my anger issue and I have been able to handle them with poise and consideration like never before.

    When she told me she could not show me love and affection anymore it shook my foundation and it feels like she demolished every negative emotion I ever had. I feel like the only thing I want to do from when I wake up to when I fall asleep is to prove to her that I love her. I feel like I am being overwhelming though. Sometimes I even feel a bit pathetic. Like I am groveling. She is not mean to me, she gives me kisses and lately we have been cuddling again, but I feel as if I am being relentless. It is what my heart is telling me to do though I can’t contain myself. Should I tone it down and let her come to me, or should I stop thinking about what she will do and just do what my heart tells me?

  3. H2theK says:

    (USA)  I had this situation in my first marriage. Sad to say, but I tried and prayed for 27 years to no avail. It turned out that he had some emotional trauma from his childhood, and once we had children and life became stressful, instead of reaching out, he shut himself in and couldn’t be accessed physically or emotionally. I tried for a long time and begged for counseling, but he refused.

    When I finally left the marriage, he poured out all the emotion I had longed to feel for so long, but it was too late for us. He basically had a nervous breakdown, and finally got the counseling he needed, and now we are both married to other people and are very happy. We get together often with our children and have become a much healthier group.

    My suggestion, get counseling immediately and if he/she refuses, don’t delay leaving. If I had left sooner, I might have been able to save the marriage. God bless.

  4. Praise says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I am a married women with one child from my past relationship. My husband does not have any children. We have been trying for a baby since last year. He was cheating on me the whole time we were trying. We talked about it and he promised to change because he was aware I was stressed. But this year he is busy pushing me to doctors while he is not doing anything for himself. He makes me feel resposible at the same time accusing me of cheating. He tells me he is tired of me and I should get out of the house and leave.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Praise, You and your husband need to fix your marriage relationship first, before you would even start to consider bringing another child into such an unstable home. Whether it’s his “fault” or your “fault” for the stress that is being stirred up within the home, you both need to come together and realize that children are a gift from God. When we bring them into this world it isn’t just to spit out another baby, but rather to welcome him or her into a home, which is cradled in love –one that will nurture and give that child the best opportunity to grow up healthy and strong. A home that is fractured by infidelity and accusation pointing and stress doesn’t sound like the type of home I’d volunteer to grow up in.

      Please consider your child and any other children you may birth. Come together and work together to find ways to lavish love on each other and work out your differences in adult ways, rather than childish, self-serving ways. It IS possible, but not if we don’t put intentionality into it. We have a lot of communication tools and romantic ideas and such, posted on this web site to help you with this mission IF you will commit yourselves to do it.

  5. Joe says:

    (US)  My wife does not want me except for financial reasons. We have no physical touch and I have tried everything. It has been years. I am ready to move on with my life. Will God be with me?

  6. Corinthia says:

    (UNITED STATES)  Hello all, I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs and we have a 9 yr old son. My husband is very distant. if his co-workers (men at least thats who I met) want to get together he’s a totally different man. He has been distant on and off for about 6 yrs.

    We are intimite about once every 3 weeks (last about a minute). He’s very moody. I’ve been wanting to leave him and go to where my immediate family is. We went to 2 counseling sessions which I set up but he decided he didn’t want to go anymore so I go by myself. I don’t think he thinks that I will leave him. We don’t do much arguing. To get thru to him sometimes I have to send him an email. I’m going to let go and Let God!

  7. Kelly says:

    (USA)  Hi, was wondering if I am just dumb or naive anymore. My husband and I are having problems and he says it’s just the way he is now, that he is not the man I met and married 17 yrs ago. We don’t hold hands, kiss or spend anytime together. The only time we do is when he leaves town for his job, and he is gone for weeks at a time. He only wants to sleep with me the night before he leaves and the day he comes home.

    When we met we did everything together. We have split up a few times and gotten back together. He comes home to a clean house, laundry done, and dinner cooked every night when he is home. But then he goes to the couch and plays games on his phone for hours after that. We don’t talk cause there are just too many things that if I try to talk about he gets mad and says he is done and quits talking to me.

    I feel like I have been kicked in the gut and don’t know what to do. Do I leave or ask for a divorce or work harder on making him happy? I have been praying about it and believe that God can work this out, but I am tired of hurting, and feeling alone and unloved…

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Kelly, Obviously, you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing and expect different results. That hasn’t worked so far (and doesn’t show much promise that it will change things for the better, at this point). It makes sense to me that you aren’t asking too much, but for some reason, he isn’t responding. So you need a different approach.

      Kelly, sometimes we need a counselor or a mentor to help us as a couple, and sometimes we need a “marriage-friendly” counselor or a mentor that will help US to figure out another way to approach marriage issues (when the other spouse isn’t interested, at the time). And you have some big issues going on. Please go into the “Marriage Counseling” topic to read about what I mean by a “marriage-friendly” counselor, because believe me, not all counselors will help you work to improve your marriage –which is what you need. Be choosy.

      Don’t listen to the ones who nay-say marriage and who will degrade your husband in your eyes, but rather someone who will care enough about you and your husband and your marriage to try to help you open his eyes and heart in some way. I pray the best for you.

  8. Debbie says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi girls. Wow! I have been reading some of your emails here and I did not know how many marriages were like this. When people say to me it’s emotional abuse I kind of makes excuses for the reason he is blowing up, but also say “not to that degree though.” I fear that if he carries on screaming and shouting at me that the neighbor is going to call the cops. His wife is a social worker. They are going to step in. They have forwarned me.

    The problem is I moved from JHB to Cape Town. I have no family here or in JHB where I can move back to. I am unemployed and finding work now is really, really hard. So I am pretty much stuck. I am praying and doing communion with my kids. We blessed our house yesterday where we all prayed and anointed the doors and windows. Maybe that is why he can’t sit in here today. He comes in, then goes out. He will not speak to me at all. I tried to find my remote and car keys (he was driving my car, his is in the shop). He says to me, “JUST LEAVE ME.” I don’t think I was unreasonable, asking that of him.

    I have been pushing through, still making him tea and making supper, asking if I should dish up. He usually he eats later than us and says to me “dont look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t make me tea… JUST LEAVE ME.” So I have to honour and respect him. That is what he wants. It’s very difficult to not feel insecure. I am praying and praying.

    Last year was really really bad, I pushed through. Eventually in October he said he wants a divorce. I was devastated. So after the initial shock I said to him I am his wife until the day he signs me off. I keep doing what a wife does. By the end of November our marriage had been better than it had ever. Until about a month ago, everything was just my fault. Ok, I do admit that I have made mistakes making him worry about us when he should not. He is under a lot of pressure at work. I understand that. I have been trying to make it easy for him but I have messed things up in trying to do so.

    He give me R20 petrol which now is just under 2l of petrol. I have a Noah’s ark Colt 2l. So for me to drive to my daughters to school and back I run out of petrol and he gets upset with me for that. He expects me to make miracles with R40 – buy cooking oil, butter, tuna and put petrol in to fetch him. Ok, I went and bought the oil butter and tuna R30 left with R10 petrol (just under 1l) to drive 20km to fetch him and he flips out when I run out of petrol. Anyway, I am so ready to pack it all up and move on.

    I know that this is not the godly thing to do but I can’t take anymore of this up and down business. I am considering moving out of the Cape and back home or to Kenya. But I am praying to see where and what God wants me to do. I will pray for all our relief. God bless everyone and may he give you the strength everyday to get you to where you need to be.

  9. Debra says:

    (USA)  My Husband has always controlled our sex life. Right down to about 1 x a month now. I have lived with this and begged him to figure it out. It only gets worse. I have given up in that area. It’s just not going to happen, not after 16 years. Now he’s having trouble at work. He not only doesn’t care about sex he makes no effort to come home. He spends his time taking the kids here and there, but to me it’s so clear he avoids the house. When he is at home now or when I am with him I annoy him with my words and actions. I have molded myself to not get in his way, but it’s sad to say, “I am very much in his way.”

    I wrote him a letter with a warning that I can only take so much and to protect myself I have backed off from him more and more. I told him he needs to see a therapist to find out why he doesn’t love me anymore. He told me I shouldn’t talk about his failing company except between 7am and 4pm and never bring it up at home. I should only talk about nice things.

    My heart is broken and I feel I need to divorce him in my mind because it’s on a downward spiral. I love God. So, I want to be the good wife and mom… but I want to be loved, respected, and appreciated. Is that too much to ask?

    For now, my tears sting my eyes and I again begin to cut myself off from this pain and this man I have tried to love. I am realizing it’s not going to get better and now that it’s getting worse I need to stop ignoring the damage and realize I will not be growing old with this person after all. It’s so sad but perhaps I will have time to grieve as the years go on. I think he is in denial, so I can take all the time I need. Any help is appreciated.

  10. Wil says:

    (USA)  All I want to say here is I feel very bad to hear these comments. It’s very sad… I really understand about pain. Pain is`pain no matter how you cut it.

    My story is sad also. I have a wife that allowed me to be thrown out of her godparents house instead of her, after I lost my job. I became homeless. Right now we live in separate living spaces and I only see her on the weekend
    for now. We aren’t getting along very well when I do visit. There is more to this story but seriously, I feel like bull-crap.

    • Aria says:

      (CANADA)  It’s so sad to hear all that from you, but do you know what? I thought only my life is full of sorrow but here I can see lots of people like me. Dear, do you what our big mistake is? It’s that we love our husbands too much and that’s the thing they know very clearly. The very sad and funny thing is they never respect us but no matter what happens we love them.

  11. Aria says:

    (CANADA)  Hi I am Aria and I have been married about 4 years. When we first got married everything was good but now I can see him changing. Like if I tell him my problems or want to talk about my past then he never pays attention to me. Once his brother’s wife told me bad things and he was beside me and he behaved like nothing happened. He called me bastard in front of my mom and I feel horrible about myself. I don’t know that if I love him anymore.

    His family people doesn’t want to talk to me or be with my family but he seems like he doesn’t care about those things. Or if I tell him something about his family (even they make mistakes or behaves bad with me or my family) then he just fights with me and says nothing to his family. I am so tired with him. Please help.

    • Rebekah says:

      (UNITED STATES) I know the feeling oh so well hun. My husband was like a dream man come true when we first got married. Four years later he treats me horribly and talks down on me. I hope you get the answers you are seeking for, just like me, but I just wanted to let you know… You are not alone! Take care and God Bless.

  12. Aroura says:

    (USA) Hi, I feel my fiancé doesn’t make time for us to spend time together. He often makes plans for day trips and weekend trips with his friends and through his work. It makes me sad that he doesn’t do the same for me. Because of this I feel I am not able to tell him how I feel about our life and our future or his and my own personal aspirations. It really hurts my feelings. I keep trying to tell him in different ways but it’s like he is unable to grasp how important it is to me.

    Also when I schedule a day for us to spend time together, it’s like he doesn’t want to talk about anything that is really important, he just wants to have a good time. I just don’t know how to make it all happen, on both my side and his. Does anyone have any thoughts? I get so sad and angry.

    • Carly says:

      (USA) Aroura: please pray about whether this is the right man for you. Use the resources on the site under “Is He or She the One.” Does your church require pre-marriage counseling? If not, talk to your pastor about how to make sure you’re listening to God about what to do. I will keep you in my prayers.

  13. Rebekah says:

    (UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone, I would like to discuss my problem and in hopes I get back some ideas in what I should do in the situation I am facing in my marriage. I have been married for 5 yrs now to a man who is 35 yrs old and I am 29 yrs old. We have been getting into a lot of arguments this year.

    It started with the changes my husband made about himself. He has a brother who is 1 year older then him that is in an outlaw gang. Anywho, my husband started dressing like an out law, hanging with his brother at the clubs and this is all taking place in another state. I told my husband I am not used to the biker look and I do not find him attractive in that style because that’s not how I married him. I got with him because he was a very caring, loving, funny man and now his whole dress code is changed, he has become rude, argumentive towards me and has the attitude like it’s his way or no way at all.

    He puts out the impression I’ve got to deal with his new changes in life, if not, then divorce him. I would do that but I can’t cause I love him so much and that is why I feel I deal with the nonsense even if it bothers me or hurts me mentally. He would say at times really hurtful things to me. He is not even affectionate with me anymore. He let himself go in the sense where his body odor has become really disgusting. Flaws and all, I am still by his side but wish there is something I could do to bring back the man I married. He was never like this in the passed 4 years. It was this year he has become the only rebel.

    I just recently lost my job so now I stay home with him. He is also unemployed due to disability. I am collecting unemployment till I find another job. I basically maintained our bills and all. Anyways, all in all he doesn’t call me when he is out of state, supposedly visiting his family, But I caught him a few times in lies when he slipped telling me a story that happened at the biker club with his brother and him. He loves to deny things and not be truthful.

    The only time I hear from my husband is when I call him or text him on his cell. I asked him today why he doesn’t call me like he used to and his reply is, “Because he lives with me so he didn’t think he had to”. A response like that hurts and he fails to see that. Now if I was to do it to him he would complain and argue about it yet he feels like it’s ok to do it to me, which I find it rude and cold hearted. I’d love to make sure he is ok and that his day went well. In his case he sees it as me being over protective and I nag too much. I can go on and on in what’s going on but I rather get information lil by lil so that you all can understand and so can I when I am replied to. I would really appreciate some good advice, some feed back in what you think may be the problem to his changes and etc.

  14. Fred says:

    (USA) I wish my wife would put her feelings aside and listen to God. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 2 wonderful young boys. She wants a divorce. She’s fed up with me and do not want to have anything to do with me. She requested to sell the house and preferred to live on her own. The sooner the better according to her. If we live together, then we are living like “renters”. She said that I put my two boys above her. She tells me as if I have no feelings like, “I don’t love you, I don’t want to be with you, I just don’t care.”

    Unfortunately, my wife wants to short sell the house, and have nothing to do with me. I may not be romantic, but I only have eyes for my wife, never cheated, church goer, and I provide. I just don’t understand. Thank you for reading this.

  15. Gilles says:

    (CANADA) I’ve been married for 16 years, but together for 20 years. I admit and agree with my wife with all of these years I am a passive aggressor. In the past I was able to successfully change for a 1 1/2 and to continue I just needed a refresher from the therapist. We have 3 kids now 21, 18, 13. The biggest problem I’ve got is I reconize my errors but I can’t communicate my answers to her. My wife tends to have this nagging effect that did push me away but I couldn’t reach out and talk because I closed myself to answer so this brought anger and blew up in fights.

    This time my wife is distant of me (I understand why because of my anger and no comunication). We talk like a married couple and sleep in the same bed. If I fall asleep on the sofa she would wake me up and go to bed but now she will leave me there. We share the same washroom. She gets naked in front of me, changes, and showers if I am there or not. We go to work in the same car and we e-mail everyday to talk about small things and go to the gym together, even laugh or help each other and eat in a family setting but there is no sex, no touching nor any kissing. She is cold as ice. She slips out the word “honey” about twice a day and no, it’s not by habit. I look in her eyes and I see just black emotion for me. It’s like the fire is out and the wood is wet. I have one match only to light this!!!

    She is giving me a third chance to prove to make this happen. She tells me that she loves me but is not in love anymore. After realizing this massive error from my part, I booked 16 session of therapy for the next 16 weeks starting this Friday. She is willing to wait for me but she gave me a warning sign that she might never see the end of the tunnel but is ready to work with me. It’s a bit confusing for me to understand. Where she is heading?

    We discussed very quietly yesterday that out of 20 years of marriage, not only was I wrong in this equation but more than 50/50. Why didn’t she seek some therapy? She couldn’t answer. I told her very clearly that I will not lose 20 years of this and look over the fence to see the green grass when it’s mud. I am ready to change.

    After 1 week (I know it’s not long) for the third time, I understand that it is really not easy for her so she doesn’t trust me to change. But this is a big stain on my heart. This is really emotionally draining for me because she has me in a mixed emotion state because I am seeking help to be a better communicator. She is willing to seek therapy.She advises this could be months. She doesn’t know when she will come back from all this. I think she is angry and indirectly, since she got the end of the stick, she is making me suffer of some kind.

    NO NO NO….she didn’t cheat on me. My questions are these.

    - When will I see some acceptance in her for me?
    - I will give all my love that I have not lost but how can I feel the love is returning or a sign of it?
    - Do you think at the end this will reverse the role –that I will not wait for her anymore and I will move on by myself because I suffered enough? Thank you.

  16. Lee says:

    (USA) I am living a nightmare after over 25 years married my wife who seems to have emotionally checked out of marriage and I beleieve is giving me false hope that things will get better just for the financial aspects. She has no interest to doing anything with me and wants space ( I a home a lot with her). She doesn’t want me to give her affection and when I do it’s likes I am forcing it on her. She continues to say that she needs time to heal from me but won’t go into details and when I try to bring it up she fights and screams. She started working two years ago and things have never been the same. She is spending a lot of time getting ready for work and I am suspicious that maybe there is someone else? She totally denies it; how long to I hold on before I get out?

  17. Patty says:

    (USA) The key ingredients for a lasting and happy marriage are easily obtained. The good wife is submissive, supportive and understanding. Women and men are equals and in no way is a woman lesser than her husband, though the very word “submissive” sends women into a rage. The submissive wife is not a weak individual who is treated like a child, on the contrary. The submissive wife is righteous and good, putting her husband and family’s needs above her own in a selfless way to ensure peace and prosperity in her home.

    A housewife has an obligation to her family. The needs of your husband come first before your own, when he is at peace so shall the family follow. Your husband has arrived home from work, your home is in disarray and the children are running a muck, your dinner table is empty and you look a mess. This is what destroys a marriage ladies, you’ve only yourself to blame for an angry husband who has no interest. Your husband arrives home from work, the house looks immaculate, the children are quietly playing or doing their studies and you have a beautiful meal on the dinner table. You have taken great care with your appearance, your hair and attire is appealing yet modest. This is a happy home,a place he enjoys returning to each day. You don’t bombard him with stressful bickering about bills or insecurities that you have, your husband is home ladies, and it’s his right to enjoy a carefree evening with his family. A husband will stray if he is greeted with dismay.

    I have been happily married for twenty eight years to a good man. I don’t strife my husband with trivial complaints regarding money or sexual intercourse, I would be ashamed. Your husband will make love to you when he is ready to do so, not at your plea or whim. Our lovely church group for newly wedded couples has transformed failing marriages into beautiful partnerships.

    An unfaithful husband is a failed wife. You have caused the man to sin. You’re responsible for his satisfaction. I am fifty two years old and I still perform sex on my dear old husband while he watches the evening news. Honestly ladies, this self pitty is distasteful, you should be fixing your mistakes rather than placing blame on innocent husbands who have fallen victim of your mistreatment. I read these stories and I see only one thing, selfishness.

    • Tony says:

      (USA) Patty, I was there with you until you tried to shift the blame of an unfaithful spouse to the betrayed spouse. Likewise for the shift of anger. Sure, I think the home should be a peaceful, orderly place. However, we all own our own behavior, our own anger, our own sins. One cannot shift the blame to another for our sins, as appealing as that may be.

      The unfaithful spouse is always the one on the hook for his or her choice to sin. People sin because they choose to do so. No one forces a cheating husband or wife to cheat. They have poor boundaries, period.

      The rest of what you write, I can support. Your last statement about blaming a betrayed spouse for the sin of the unfaithful spouse, I can’t support that. Scripture is pretty clear, do no commit adultery. God is pretty clear, He doesn’t abide those who engage in adultery. I don’t recall seeing where He said that if someone betrays their spouse, the victim of her betrayal is on the hook for her affair.

    • Wow says:

      (S.AFRICA) Dear Patty, “AN UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND IS A FAILED WIFE.” NOBODY causes ANYBODY to sin. Shame these poor husbands you talk about who take no responsibility, have no self control, and have fallen victim of the mistreatment by their wives. I feel sorry and pray that while you are doing EVERYTHING according to YOUR book you are never dissapointed and hurt with the results thereof.

    • Kate from United States says:

      I am raising three sons and I find your statement above to be offensive. My boys have strong morals and good character and to imply that the only thing that will keep them on the right path as husbands is the house keeping skills of their wives is doing them a disservice. A good man is faithful to his wife, period.

    • Fran from United States says:

      Wow… “an unfaithful husband is a failed wife”. “You have caused the man to sin”. “You’re responsible for his satisfaction”. ???? For anyone that is or has been a victim of a cheating spouse… please don’t believe this. Your spouse’s choice to go outside of the marriage to meet their needs, for any reason, violates the marriage covenant, breaks God’s heart and is sin. Shame on you! You are killing the wounded with your words.

  18. Carly says:

    (USA) Wow, I too disagree with the thought that women cause their husbands to leave. I saw in my first husband the tendency to need friendly affirmation from other women even when we were engaged. Of course, I should have seen the red flags, but I didn’t. After our wedding, he had numerous affairs even though he had a thoroughly engaged and very attractive wife at home. You cannot discount Satan’s attacks on one spouse while the other is strong enough to never entertain thoughts of adultery.

    In our case a year prior to his “final affair,” three of his close work colleagues were having affairs… they were all churchgoers and well respected in the community but all ended up having affairs, getting divorced, and remarrying their girlfriends. The influences and ways of the world are very strong, and it is common for the cheater to shift blame to the spouse. Here is an article by James Dobson that explains how cheaters rationalize: http://www.christianindex.org/3214.article

  19. Kathy says:

    (USA) I feel that emotional abandonment from a husband can be devastating to someone’s self esteem. It always makes you feel like you did something wrong to deserve that type of neglect. It’s not your fault. I have been married for 13 yrs now, and dealing with emotional abandonment from my husband. I have some recent disabilities and gained a lot of weight after having our daughter and have not been able to exercise like I used to, to lose all of the weight. Instead of my husband being supportive in helping me lose weight, he just checks out emotionally and makes me feel like I don’t deserve any attention from him because I’m fat now.

    That just drove me to eat more and now I am heavier. He avoids going to public places with me and gets upset if I show up at his job. It’s like he is embarassed of me. But everytime I go on a diet or start to lose some weight, he will buy a cake or bring home donuts just to watch me fall into temptation so that he can make me feel worse.

    He helps around the house, and likes to cook most of the time, but whenever we’re alone in the house he will make himself busy or avoids being in the same room with me. I know that we have been married for 13 yrs and we have been together for 15 yrs, but I refuse to feel like I deserve to be neglected. I deserve to be loved regardless of my size.

    I pray about it and try to have the strengh to hang in there, but I sometimes feel like it’s best for me to just end the marriage and work on myself and get my self esteem back without having him around trying to break me down. I don’t want a divorce, but sometimes I feel that it’s the only way for me to build myself back up. Trying to talk to him is like talking to a wall, and I feel tired of wasting my life and energy on someone who does not appreciate me.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Hi Kathy, How about finding a “Marriage-friendly” counselor (you can read what that means in the “Marriage Counseling” topic) to get things started to help you sort things out emotionally, as well as physically? You may even need to eventually join a gym and/or Weight Watchers, or get a personal exercise coach, but I’d start with the marriage friendly counselor first (please know that some counselors can cause more harm than good, but some are outstanding in these types of matters).

      Yes, your husband should be trying to help you with your weight goals and should be supportive. In a perfect world, he would. But he’s living in this world and he’s obviously totally blowing it, as far as helping you as a marriage partner. But some people are just oafs, as far as handling these types of matters. He probably thinks in his turned-about mind that he’s approaching these matters just fine. Obviously, he isn’t. But that doesn’t mean that the issues you have going on between you aren’t still fixable and that he won’t get better at it eventually. Maybe not, but it’s very possible. When I think of the difference in how my husband handles things now (we’ve been married over 40 years) as opposed to the first 13 or so years of our marriage, it’s like night and day. And me too. I haven’t always handled things as well as I should have. I’ve been an “oaf” at times too. But we both fell forward to learning how to be healthier in our approaches. (Although, at different times it was just one of us doing the initial work until the other joined in.) But we didn’t throw each other out (even though sadly, we almost did); we hung in there. And I’m SO glad we did… we now have a GREAT marriage!

      I encourage you to NOT throw out your marriage and leave the father of your daughter, but instead to do what you said you wanted to do. Work on your own issues. For a season –this season, take your eyes off of your husband and his issues. As you’re working on yours, you may eventually inspire him to work on his. Maybe a counselor can help you to know how to better “inspire” him as you get stronger emotionally and physically. Obviously, the added weight bothers YOU. So, do something about it. Sometimes we need extra help. A good counselor can help you to sort all of this out. Yes, you DO deserve to “be loved” no matter what weight you are, but I sense in your comment that even YOU don’t love you. It’s time to work on that in a wise way, not an “up yours,” like the world approaches it, type of way. Release the thoughts of what your husband thinks about your added weight and instead work on your own issues.

      If you think that dumping your husband can get you onto a better physical track and emotional track, let me tell you, divorce is MUCH more costly than you imagine it is. You will just be pushing away some problems (although many of them will still hook onto you and will be dragged into your “new” life), and you will be taking on a whole new set of different ones. You’re swapping one load of problems for another. And while it may seem like they wouldn’t be as bad (it’s easy to think that when we don’t know them), trust me… I’ve seen it over and over and over again where the now divorced person cries out, “what was I thinking?” and they DEEPLY regret what they did to their life and to their child’s life by divorcing. I’d hate for you to be in that place.

      You don’t mention much about faith in your comment, other than that you “pray” about certain things. But this is a Christian web site, so I can’t help but ask you, “what would Jesus do?” What do you think His approach to all of this would be? Would He dump out, or would He persevere all the more and get the help needed to turn things in a better direction? What do you think He would tell you, if you asked Him, what you should do? I believe He would tell you to pray, asking for wisdom on what to do about the weight “problem” you are dealing with, and would tell you to take your eyes off of your husband, and onto what YOU could do about that, which is before you (with or without your husband’s support). I hope you will. I pray for you Kathy. I pray wisdom for you and help and hope for a better tomorrow. And I pray for your husband’s eyes to be eventually opened to how he TRULY can help you. I pray you will find the help you need to get your life onto a healthier track emotionally, physically, and especially spiritually.

  20. Sarafina says:

    (USA) I’m 24 my husband is 26. We have been married for four years, and separated for a year. We’ve argued, fought, lied to each other, and cheated. It’s like he stopped loving me along time ago but I still love him with all my heart. He says we’re getting a divorce. That’s the last thing I want. When we got married I didn’t know the things I know now. I feel like I shouldn’t give up but he spends all his time and love on someone else. What do I do ??

    • Sergi says:

      (SPAIN) Hi Sarafina. I’m sorry if I don’t speak very well English. Okay, so I have a similar problem like you, but we didn’t lie or fought each other and cheated… that’s brutal. But she doesn’t want to talk me for some reason, and I’m just wondering what did I do? I feel emotionally abandoned. Okay, so I don’t want to sound like everything is lost, but I recommend you to read a book that is called The Love Dare. It will lead you everyday, and tell you what to do. If you have faith, and you really want to save your marriage and your spouse, this book will help you.

      The most important thing when love seems to be lost, is don’t think about negative stuff but good stuff about your husband. You need to think that you married him for a reason, and that reason is still in your heart. Don’t give up!

  21. Deepali says:

    (INDIA) One important thing you should learn is that God is not a magician who would turn things right. Be practical and try to move on in your life. Don’t waste your time for the person who doesn’t cares for you. And if it’s not possible for you, then call him. Arrange a meeting. When he arrives, burst into tears and tell him about your disturbed life. Tell him sorry for the mistakes which you haven’t done. If he still loves you a bit then this should work.

  22. Josy says:

    (MALAWI) Why do we even get married in the first place? It would have been easier if we could just sleep aound without having to get married :( I married this man and my marriage is a nightmare… he was a nice guy, but now, I kinda think of him like a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” He only cares about himself, doesn’t care about how I feel or what I need… IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM! It makes me wish I never married him!

    I’m just angry at myself for marrying him, for letting him get away with cheating and for forgiving him. I forgave him and that’s why I’m in this state… I shouldn’t have! Aaarrrgh! Why do I believe in God? I want to pay my hubby back so bad and do bad stuff but my heart just won’t let me, simply because I fear God. Sometimes I just feel like a loser for believing in God! eish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Esther says:

      (UK) I’m so sorry about the way you feel right now, but just know that God is always there with you no matter what. You are certainly not a loser for believing in God, nor doing his will because the word says he will repay us for all our deeds (Rev 22:11-12). He also said we will all reap according to what we have sown. So be rest assured that if you have been sowing forgiveness and love into your marriage, you will eventually reap it. You might not see it immediately, but hold on to your faith and keep praying.

  23. Mel says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I were married for 3 years. I had my children one after the other. Throughout my pregnancies I cried deeply. My husband abused me emotionally. I did not know that he had problems (baggage) before we got married. He would run away for minor things. If I did not greet him with a kiss at the door he would pick an argument and run away for a day or two. I was afraid of being alone and he knew it.

    Johannesburg is not a safe place. Throughout the marriage he moved us 17 times. We lived in rooms, in a garage, for free with two families. My dignity was compromised. I tried to be happy but it was difficult. Only times I complained was because of the living arrangements. My husband did not believe making me happy was a priority. When we finally moved to the Cape, he made us live in a tent against my will. He ran away 4 times while me and two babies had to be alone. At times he would take our bedding, food and clothing with him. He would leave without fastening the tent to the ground that the children and I nearly blew away in the wind.

    I reported the abandonment to the police. I found him in another town in a camping resort hiding from me. When I opened the tent, I found him on his knees with a weird look on his face, with the Bible in his hand and with the words. “We must watch more marriage enrichment DVDs.” No apologies just ready to sweep things under the rug to rot. It was then I realized I was dealing with a mentally ill person. I am no professional psychologist but I could tell there was something wrong with him. It was like living with a stranger. He started telling me how he discussed me in a negative way with people that we both knew. It broke my heart. I did not trust him anymore.

    Three days later a criminal broke into our tent and threatened to kill us. The man stabbed the tent above my head. After the Police caught the criminal I sobbed thinking of just a few days before my children and I could have been killed and where was my husband. He was angry because I told him that him abandoning us as he did 100′s of times could cause our deaths. I later found us a beach home to rent. It was beautiful just what I am use to. But for that month he became more abusive towards me and the children. He would throw me against the walls making sure he does not hit me. He hit my daughter who is only 2 until his finger prints remained on her body. I could no longer live with such a monster. His family would phone and he would speak negatively of me even when we were on good terms. I felt unloved, alone, heartbroken and sometimes suicidal.

    I was the only one job searching. He would sleep until 2pm and sometimes remain in his pj’s until night time. I just could not handle it. He would only leave the home if he could go on 4X4 drives. I was told what to eat, what to drink and purchasing the kids a snack was to him a waste. I could not treat my kids. When he took us out he would choose the cheapest on the menu and always take-out, never wanting to spend money on his family. The night after our wedding anniversary my baby cried because she needed changing. He grabbed her from the cot and started shouting at her. He started squeezing her ribs to get her to keep quiet. I told him to stop, because she continued crying he started shaking her violently and lifted his hand to strike her. I jumped in front of her and put my arm over her so that he might strike me. I shouted for him to never lay his hand on my daughter again. The look in his eye scared me. He was willing to strike a baby.

    That day I decided to plan my escape with my children. Days went by and no one could help me. I reported his abusive behavior to the local police but they just told me to leave him. I took the car and drove to the next town with the children and our credit card. I wanted to get us out of there. When I wanted to pay for the bus tickets we discovered the credit cards were stopped. That day I sobbed because I had to go back and had to pretend. He was just happy to see us return. But I made sure that I contacted the welfare so that all of this was on record. The day before my children and I left I felt as if I was dying. My husband lived in the other side of the house in a locked room. And we on the one side, no communication at all until the Welfare sent a Pastor to the door, someone I had never met.

    The man could see I was depressed and had given up. He counseled us for hours. Finally I could speak because I was never allowed to voice my feelings. I told of all the hurt and abuse I endured. How my kids were affected emotionally. The man seemed to side with me. I still remember him telling my husband that he should love me and make me happy. And if a wife is not happy a husband could not be happy either. Nothing this Pastor said did my husband absorb. I finally broke the news that my kids and I were leaving him the next day. This was the first time he had knowledge of us leaving him. I told them that the local police would come and fetch us and then we would leave to the city where my folks lived.

    The day I left my husband sobbed, locked himself in the room and would not come near the children. For three days before our departure he did not even hug the children or play with them. Whenever he was angry at me the children had to suffer. I left him and it was like a breath of fresh air. I am now away from him for a month with no contact and no support from him. I got myself and the children into counseling; we are recovering slowly. A long road of recovery lies ahead. I can never go back, not ever. All I can now do, is pray for healing for us all and for him. I feel sorry for him. We are safe, GOD rescued me. My last cry was to the LORD to help me and the children to be rescued from abuse. GOD helped us to safety. I still love my husband but not enough to go back.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Mel, I’m thankful you and the children are safe. What a heart-breaking story. It doesn’t sound like this is as much of a case of emotional abandonment as it is mental illness taking control. It seems apparent that you are not dealing with a man who has full use of his mind –to know that what he was doing to you and especially to your children was abusive. In cases like this, the best you can do is get to a place of safety, pray that he doesn’t hurt someone else and hope that he leaves you and the children alone. You and your children are in danger in many ways when he is with you.

      As difficult as this is, and I have no doubt that it is terribly difficult, it’s a miracle that you and the children got out alive and that your daughter didn’t end up with shaking child syndrome, because that kind of shaking of a child can rattle the brain –literally, and cause brain damage. I’m sure he didn’t realize it but it sounds like he is capable of seriously hurting the children –not only physically, but emotionally. It’s not good for them to be controlled and endangered like that. Again, I’m so thankful that you found a way of escape and that you and the children are safe. May the Lord bind up your emotional wounds, and help you to feel safe and confident, and to have hope that the future will be brighter for all of you. God bless. Thank you for sharing your life experience with us.

  24. Amy W. says:

    (USA) I was married and dumped all in a 24 hour period. That was 45 years ago as soon as the I DOs were over things changed for the worst no the better. We had sex once and that was it never again, no intimacy no nothing in all these years. He moved to the basement and immediately started working the midmight shift. He did these things so he wouldn’t need to be with me. Sex to him was meaningless, he said it was disgusting, messy and gross. No pleasure, excitment a total waste of time and way too much work for so little. So the only things I got from our marriage was a wedding ring which I never will wear again, depression, hatered, confusion. MY world and marriage was ruined forever.

    • Jane from United States says:

      That is very very sad. He couldn’t have been a Christian man. The Lord be with you. He will heal you, and you will be with HIm forever in heaven if you accept Jesus as the only way, truth and life, and ask him to be your Lord and personal Savior. He loves you. This was the devil’s doing to try to destroy you.

  25. Sha' says:

    (UNITED STATES) Love is patient, love is kind it does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

  26. Britt says:

    (USA) I am so glad I came upon this site. I am sorry all of you are going through the same thing I am. I wish this upon no one. But it sounds like we all have the same faith in God to restore, or in my case, begin a relationship. Begin… after 30 years. Maybe someone here will have some or any suggestions for me. I am at a point with my non existent relationship that I am questioning God. I’ve been submissive, I think, to the point of being walked on.

    I’ve been lied to, spent nights alone because I said something wrong. Said too much or just asked to talk. I don’t dare ask for any conversation that is deeper than what the weather is going to be like. If I try to share something that hurt me I get, ” you’re just never happy”, or “You’re going to start this again.” I am supposed to never remember that he didn’t come home from a strip club and said he was just too drunk to drive home. And the extra 250.00 he took out of the ATM, that made me bounce, was because a table got broke. Or that he lied to me numerous times about where he was. It was my fault because he couldn’t tell me the truth.

    Times I didn’t confront him because the times I did were so awful. We don’t fight as long as I’m happy with no relationship. If I foolishly desire a friendship, communication or just a sincere good night it will cause problems. I am supposed to be happy because he works every day and lives here. I’m not. It has gone on so long he has just about made me believe that there is something wrong with me. This has to be the loneliest place on earth. A marriage with no relationship. He says I want blood. I wanted a relationship, with him. Everything is conditional. If I wasn’t like this he wouldn’t do that. I change that and it’s something else. ALWAYS conditional.

    I believe that we struggle, in every area of our lives, because he doesn’t lead our family the way God intended for him to. He really knows nothing about me, our children or our home. He goes to church and questions why I don’t go with him. I question why he goes and can come home and be hateful or ignore me. Part of me doesn’t care anymore. Part of me has faith that God can do the impossible. I just know I’m tired. Tired of being alone and tired of hoping maybe today or tomorrow will be different. The hurts of the past can’t go away because the hurts of today keep the wound open. It’s NEVER had enough time in between to heal. He “Doesn’t need counseling” he’s not unhappy. He’s not interested in learning how to fix anything. This translates to “I don’t care” to my heart. Open for thoughts and suggestions. Praying for all of you.

    • Jane from United States says:

      Very selfish. Ask the Lord to take care of this. Really pray about it day or night. Don’t let him drive you crazy. That may be his goal. Some men do not want to be confronted about anything, even if what they are being confronted about is your attempt to save the marriage. I don’t think it is right to be mean or abusive to your spouse, but confronting him about the way he treats you is not wrong.

      It is the manner in which you do it. When things are not going the way men want them to go in every way in their lives, they get angry, and they try to think of ways to control you, control your emotions –train you not to say anything, or make you go crazy or both. Men who do this habitually time after time after time cannot be Christian. They wouldn’t be doing it all the time year after year after year if they were. You just have to pray for your unbelieving spouse to become born again.

      I don’t advocate divorce. Divorce is permissible only if you do not remarry. If a man is physically abusing you or mentally abusing you to a point where it is affecting your health, you have a right to get away. God will not fault you. You may not necessarily have to get a divorce right away. You need to be separated and pray that the marriage will be healed, and that God will restore the hearts in this marriage so that you can come back together again contingent on the fact that no further abuse occurs.

  27. Jane from United States says:

    What do you do when one or both of the spouse’s has Asperger’s Syndrome and there just is not enough passion and attraction emotionally between the two of you? I know you have to stay in the marriage and try to make it work, but I really have no idea what a real Godly marriage is supposed to look like. People give a lot of generalizations, but even when you ignore the fact that there is no real deep connection, it keeps coming back in your face. It’s like you are trying to make the marriage work, but the ugly reminder of feeling like you really don’t have a husband in all aspects of marriage keeps haunting you.

  28. Steve from United States says:

    Don’t know what to do anymore seems like my wife doesn’t want anything to do with me. I give her all the time I possibly can and I commit to her 100%. I work hard for her to get her what she wants and needs but nothing I do is enough. We started off so well and now it’s like the flame that was burning in our relationship before has burnt out. We’ve only been married a year. I need help I feel alone in this. I have no one. I’m starting to give up; seems like she’s always mad at me. The days she is happy, I cherish them.

  29. Kay from Malaysia says:

    My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He refuses to communicate with me. Whenever I need to address some issues that I have with him, he won’t accept it and just chooses push me away. Even though it was not such a big deal of an issue & I thought it was nothing really, he would still push me away & act cold with me. He refuses to talk about any problems or issues that we’re facing. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore and I can’t reach out to him to talk about anything. We haven’t talked in over a month. Currently we are also living in a different country which makes it even harder to communicate. But he’s just a different man now. I feel so alone and he seems like he doesn’t even care about me anymore. I think he doesn’t even love me anymore. I feel so lonely and depressed coz I care about him so much but unfortunately he’s the opposite. Any advice?

  30. Kate from United States says:

    My husband and I have been together for ten years, married for eight, and we have three children together. When we first met, we were college students and although we spent all of our free time together, we were rarely alone. Most of our “dates” involved our friends as well and over the years I have come to realize that this led me to a false perception of my husband.

    Shortly after we married we had our first child and I quit my job to stay home and raise the kids. We also moved out of state so my husband could take a better paid position with a new company. Suddenly we were miles away from our friends and family and all on our own. I began to realize that my husband is a drastically different person in a one-on-one situation where he isn’t putting on a public persona. It turns out that my husband does not like to socialize at all. Living with him over the years I’ve come to understand that he is extremely introverted and prefers to read/think/play computer games on his own.

    If I attempt to have a conversation with him after our kids are in bed in the evenings I am harshly “shushed.” Other times I’m told “I can’t really pay attention to what you’re telling me because I don’t care about what you’re saying” and I’m encouraged to pick a topic that is more interesting to him if I want to have a conversation. I’m an extremely social person and I crave interaction with my husband. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient with him. I’ve tried to understand that he needs his quiet alone time to relax each day and avoid talking to him the first few hours he is home from work so he has a chance to unwind. But I’m starting to reach the end of my tolerance. At some point isn’t he supposed to take notice of my needs as well?

    I have greater emotional intimacy with my friends than I do with my husband. I’ve very openly told him how I feel, but instead of showing any kind of concern about our lack of intimacy he has encouraged me to spend more time going out with my girlfriends so I can get my “social fix.” I’ve resisted this suggestion because my friendships are FINE! It’s my MARRIAGE that is lacking. But the more it becomes apparent to me that my husband is indifferent to me and our relationship, the more I’ve started taking him up on the suggestion to just go out with my girl friends. If I go out to dinner, or see a movie, or take my kids to the zoo, or spend a weekend away at the beach -it’s with my friends (and sometimes my friends husbands as well.)

    While I enjoy my friendships very much, I’m also saddened that I don’t have the opportunity to share these experiences with the person I thought I was going to share my life with. We’re essentially living like co-workers who show up each day to work towards the common goal of maintaining our household and and providing for our kids. But that’s where our relationship ends. I don’t want to end up divorced, and I know my husband would never suggest it because unlike me, he’s completely satisfied with our marriage. But I can’t help feeling like I chose the wrong spouse and sometimes thinking of the love I could have had in my life if I would had used better judgement choosing a husband, makes me break down and cry.

    • Renee from United States says:

      Kate, I can totally relate! I have felt like a single mom, taking my kids to things with my friends and their husbands go but not mine. It’s very lonely. I don’t have much advice as I am in the same boat, but wanted you to know I understand and I will pray for you! Keep on! You’re amazing!

    • Caleb from United States says:

      Hi Kate, I know that what is going on between you and your husband can be frustrating. I have been married to my wife for three years now and she says our marriage was horrible but she really says the first two years were bad because she said she was showing me how much she loved me and was doing things for me but I wasn’t paying attention to her; kind of like what your husband is doing to you. I would go to school, work, then come home and take care of our kids and felt like I was doing a lot and she was doing little because all she had to do was work and take care of the kids. But this whole time she was letting me know that she wasn’t happy and I was ignoring it by just saying things like just get over it or whatever you say this is because I didn’t want to argue with her. But all she was trying to do was tell me her feelings.

      It wasn’t until these last 4-5 months that I realized how much my wife really loved me. It clicked when she told me she was done and wanted to divorce me because she wasn’t happy. But to me this was God opening my eyes to my wife because he wasn’t getting through any other way until I heard divorce and this is something I do not believe in. Since then it has been really hard because my wife said she is not threatening me; she is serious but she still hasn’t done anything to divorce me, which I am thankful for because I am trying to change and show her that I am different.

      Basically I was being selfish ignoring my wife, the person God gave me to love, honor, and respect. I wasn’t doing any of this I was too busy worrying about myself and not being one with my wife. It wasn’t until I looked up online how to win your wife back or what to do to get your wife to stop saying she wants to divorce you. Things that kept pointing out to me was watch “Fireproof,” which I’m sure you have heard of. There is a book in the movie called The Love Dare. This has been really helpful for and opened me up to things I didn’t see before. Also, my brother in laws are in the church and have been helping me, as well. So because of this book I have been changing but the change isn’t for my wife; it is for God.

      If you put everything into God, trust in him, pray to him with your problems, thank him and praise him he will rebuild or mold you into the wife he wants you to be for your husband. While you are working on yourself and praying for God to change your husband’s heart (maybe for him to start noticing you or appreciating you) he will be working on your husband. I would suggest doing this book. It is a forty day love dare. It is hard but I think it is worth it.

      I am still going through it and I am on day 32 but I am trusting and believing in God that he will change my wife’s heart and make me into the husband he wants me to be for her. I have felt a change. I listen to my wife with all my attention if the TV is on I turn it off; when she comes home from work I greet her; I do things around the house without her asking. Before I figure this was what a women was supposed to do and I, the guy, was supposed to just work and provide and that was it. But I have come to realize that in marriage and loving someone you have to work at.

      The book has taught me that it says to love and do things that Jesus did. For instance my wife stopped telling me she loved me, she took her weddings rings off, she stopped touching me and stopped having sex with me. She has flirted with another guys in front of me and talks about him like she used to talk about me, and she tells me she’s done or wants to divorce me. All this stuff hurts and takes an emotional toll on me but I love her no matter what and this is just the devil trying to destroy our marriage. These things have made me really mad but instead of getting angry like before, I just stop and pray and God takes my frustration, anger, and pain away.

      The point is Jesus loves us unconditionally, no matter what we have done wrong or right, so therefor we should love our spouse as Jesus loves us. I know God is helping us because, she stopped talking about that guy, she has more good days with me now than bad, and she has kissed me every now and then. Also God doesn’t want you to get a divorce, he wants your marriage to work and for you to honor him with your marriage. I hope some of this helps.

  31. Jon d from United States says:

    I believe that we live in a society that has trained men for years to be emotionally crippled. How do we undo these years of emotional detachment and help these men work towards connecting with their emotions?

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