Marriage Missions International

Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

When it comes to emotional abandonment:

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“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:

  • ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
  • ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
  • ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
  • ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’

“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)

Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home —which often seems to complicate the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?

Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.

But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.

To give you some type of insight into what may be causing emotional shut downs and what a spouse can do to turn things around in a better direction, we have found several web site articles that we believe will help. Please click onto the links below to read:

HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS

MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site, not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue, which you may want to consider:

• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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Comments

192 Responses to “Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out”
  1. Janet from United Kingdom says:

    My husband is a difficult man to live with, always has been. Anger is close to the surface and he unwittingly uses his tongue to put me down. I am very easy going, laid back and happy go lucky in nature. However, if I am in a happy mood he drains it out of me, by dismissing what I have to say.

    He takes more interest in rubbish films on the tv and tells me to ‘shush’, or ‘can I just watch this’ meaning …. shut up! Quite frankly I am sick of it, I try hard to be interested in what he has to say as I don’t want to sink to his level but I don’t think I can be bothered anymore. Life is too short. I’ve been married to him for nearly 30 years and put up with this for nearly all of them.

    Totally fed up, what can I do? I have told him how I feel and he replies ‘Oh for Gods sake, get over it. I can’t be bothered…yet again meaning ‘shut up’ ….. Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!

    • Lisa from United States says:

      I’d like to hear others opinions, for I’m in the same situation.

    • Jose from United States says:

      With all due respect I will apologize now for any reply that may seem hurtful. I will say one must go back to the beginning till about where you’re at now in your relationship and see what may have caused your husband to shut down. Then start from there, to see what can be done to bring him back,

  2. Joe from United States says:

    Why is it always the men on these sites?

    I have a wife who while we were dating had me on a pedestal I never asked to be on. Once we got married and had kids, I had some growing up to do, and know I’ve hurt her – we’ve hurt each other. Like others have said, it happens in marriage. But because of the high pedestal she had me on, something I could never live up to, now any conflict is an opportunity to go into full retreat mode, sometimes over what might be seemingly minor things.

    I wish there was more out there. Everything is about emotionally distant men. There are emotionally distant women out there too. I am still head over heals in love with her, but it feels like an old Charlie Brown placard – “when you get it right, no one remembers, when you get it wrong, no one forgets”.

  3. Jose from United States says:

    2 weeks ago my wife told me she was numb and needed her space to “find herself”. She didn’t ask me for a divorce but I asked her if she wanted one. She didn’t say yes or no, but hinted that she wanted me out (or at least I took it that way). I took it very personal and I packed a bag and left without having anywhere to really go. What’s strange is that the same morning that this occured she was very loving and affectionate. I believe what caused her to blow her top is that she tried to call her father (who has always neglected her) which she hasn’t spoken to in about 7 months and hasn’t seen in about 25 years. When she wasn’t able to get in contact with him that’s when she became numb and angry enough to request her space from me.

    After I left I tried calling her a couple of days after this happened and she didn’t answer, nor call me back. I have since not tried to contact her but I still love her even though she hurt my feelings. After 9 years of being together and 4 years marriage I’m devastated and just feel lost. In 2014 so far I lost my mother, laid off from my job, and now it seems like I lost my wife. I’m not perfect but I’ve never cheated on her, nor been abusive (though we’ve had several disagreements nothing out of the ordinary), and I don’t hang out with friends all hours of the night. The only semi-serious issue we had were finances. I’ve bounced around many jobs and haven’t been the best money manager… it’s a very complicated situation and whatever insight anyone has will be appreciated.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jose, It sounds like you and your wife need to call a truce and quit treating each other like enemies and strangers. You’re not; so don’t act like it. Instead, dig deep into your wedding vows and say “I do” and “I will” all over again… “I will love, honor and cherish” the one I vowed to love and cherish for ever.

      I suggest you go to your wife and talk with her. Confess everything you believe you have recently done wrong. Ask for her forgiveness and ask her to join with you in calling a truce (You can find an article on this at http://marriagemissions.com/calling-a-truce-marriage-message-121/). And then ask for her help in rebuilding, or building your marriage so it’s strong and filled with love, rather than the strife you’ve been experiencing lately. You both need each other. You’ve both been hurt in life and you should work to be a safe place for the other to fall, when life kicks you.

      You may ask, “why me?” And my answer is that someone needs to jump off this crazy ride and be the hero here… sacrificing for the betterment of both of you and persevering as you said you would on your wedding day.

      This will take intentionality and determination. Please look around this web site. We have LOTS of articles and resources that can help you, so you learn some new things on how to build a good marriage and how to “unlearn” some things that need to be dealt with and thrown out with yesterday’s garbage. This won’t be easy, but if you both vow to do this together, you will be amazed how wonderful your marriage can be. I know… this is what my husband and I did. And we are now married over 42 years, and are going strong. We are DEEPLY in love with each other. There was a time when that wasn’t so. We were close to divorce. But we dug in and decided we were going to make our marriage work, “so help us God.” And He has, and we have. I pray this for you and your wife.

      I pray that you both open your eyes to the mess that you allowed yourselves to get into, but I also pray that you open your eyes to the fact that you can start anew with each other. Each day can bring a new beginning. Yes, you have hurt each other, but don’t let that block you from all the good waiting for you if you forgive, release that which you should, you work together, and love together with the determination you had when you first married. I pray God’s help for both of you in this mission.

      • Jose from United States says:

        Thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m just tired of trying to communicate and being the only one making the effort… She hoards her pain and then explodes when she can’t take it anymore. I would confess to what I did if I actually did something. Like I said previously I’m not perfect but I wasn’t the direct cause of what happened. Deep down I am still willing to do whatever it takes to make it work but she doesn’t even want to talk to me. She’s acting like I never existed. I would understand if I had actually done something to deserve (i.e. Infidelity, Domestic Violence, etc.). I’m just so lost I don’t know how to proceed in my marriage at this point. But I will read the articles and maybe things will make more sense when I do.

        • Sunrita from Canada says:

          Hello, Sometimes, actually most of the time, when there’s a difficult time, the hardest thing to do is giving space to the other person. Leaving her alone doesn’t mean you are abandoning her. It’s the opposite. You are watching her and while you are doing that you’re loving her more than ever and giving her very precious gift. Give her space if you can and just be there but do nothing that she can deal with whatever she has. And let her know that’s what you are doing.

          A lot of times in marriage it’s not about the other person. It’s about what we have and our own demons. Instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself. Find your center and what would make you happy.

    • Victoria from United States says:

      You said that your wife hadn’t seen her father in 25 years. That leaves a huge hole in a person. Years of wondering “why doesn’t he want me”, “is there something wrong with me”, “what did I do”, changes the core of a person. Your wife is living with that. And without help she will forever question all relationships because of that abandonment. When a father walks away from a child the assumption becomes that all relationships will be like that. So instead of being the one left behind, she pushed you away. She (at least in this situation) had control.

      It doesn’t mean that she you haven’t been a good husband, it just means that she is protecting herself. Is this right?No. Fair? Definitely not. But I don’t believe that this is really about the two of you, I just think she is in pain. My suggestion would be for you to go talk to a counselor, gain insight into your relationship and perhaps a counselor will give you a good plan to help you and your wife. Don’t walk away because of her past this is her expectation of men. Prove her wrong. Good luck.

  4. Julie from United States says:

    Anytime my husband gets mad he stops speaking to me for weeks, sometimes months. I never see it coming; I could think we are getting along great – we are talking, spending time together – then boom he’s withdrawn, won’t speak to anyone, won’t eat any meals I fix. It seems to he cares more for his friends over others I care about. 6 weeks ago my daughter had my first grandson, and of course I was happy. But boom hubby quit speaking, withdrew, even completely ignoring baby.

    • Rochelle from South Africa says:

      I agree totally. I have been married for 25 years and my spouse is still the same person, not changed for anything. He doesn’t talk, speaks when it’s necessary, and doesn’t take part in his kids lives. We’re total strangers. I work hard and do everything in the home. He pays as a boarder and expects everything to be done, doesn’t buy a gift for his kids or me. He takes me for granted. Whenever I ask him to leave he says he will change but he never does. I’ve given up talking now cos it makes no sense to do so. I’m living in a marriage that I don’t want to be in. My kids don’t have a relationship with him at all, and he thinks it’s fine.

      I am slowing dying inside. I want out so badly I don’t know what to do. I need help so bad. How do I say this, as he will say he has no where to go. I was diagnosed with cancer and he was never supportive at all, doesn’t care about the pains I go through; to him I should do as I do, and go on. I cannot anymore, I need to be happy as well. Please give any advice or tell me if I am wrong. I stayed all these years for the kids but they are also fed up now.

      • Mary from United States says:

        I am in same boat as you. I love him but want out so bad. He does not care about me at all. Our kids are grown. One lives with us with her two children, and more people live with us. I am left to do all work and he doesn’t care. He won’t even help me. But the worst is living with someone you can’t turn to or talk to. He just gets mad when I say something. How do you get out after so long?

  5. Lisa from United States says:

    My husband & I have been together since we were teenagers. We have 2 wonderful children in college. He is the greatest father I have ever seen in all my years. Is very close with the kids. With me though, he is not. He has always done what he wanted & went where he wanted (ski trips, surf trips–without me). There have been no affairs by either of us. He has never really talked to me over the years. Also, his mother never really loved him (big reason he is like this, I think). He has never gotten over our son leaving for college and now our daughter recently left.

    I have never been included on decisions, purchases, vacation plans, gifts for kids, etc. It has been very painful over the years. I have seen a few therapists but left. He also suffered a mental breakdown a couple of years ago and has never continued any treatment. So, now I am just at a point in my life that I cannot see spending the next 20-30 years living ALONE with my husband. He literally does not say a word to me. If I try to start a conversation he does not reply. He does not ask to go anywhere. Our son had a college function recently and just because I was going, he didn’t.

    He purchased 2 paddle boards, but never asks me to go, but will ask the kids whenever they are home. During his breakdown I wanted to leave so bad as he was never home, started gambling (not any longer), was gone for hours during the day, etc. This lasted over a year and I stayed. I just cannot do it any longer. He recently retired so I have a feeling he will be traveling a lot to go surfing, skiing, golfing, etc. I cry 3-4 times a week as the pain hurts so bad. I feel like if we were to get divorced then I have failed. That is what I would be–a failure. I do not believe in divorce. My husband will not go to counseling so I guess I am at a loss.

    • Lisa from United States says:

      I just wanted to add to my story –I also wanted to know why my husband cannot take affection. If I go near him he shrugs away. I feel like I have some infectious disease –it hurts. If I go to kiss him, he turns his face. There is intimacy, but only on his advances. I’ve been with him for 35 years and he has always been like this. He’s very affectionate with our children. He has said he loves me only one time, and that is when he was going to the hospital a couple of years ago.

      I’m not an unattractive woman–I used to model, I was a cheerleader, I go to the gym, I’m in great shape, I work full time again after 18 years, I’m organized, clean, generous, etc. I wish he would let me know why he’s like this with ME. But, he doesn’t talk to me. I’m planning on leaving, I don’t want to, but I can’t live like this any longer.

      • Zilola from Uzbekistan says:

        Dear Lisa, I feel very sorry that this is happening to you. But I must say you have a great tolerance if you really have been living like this for 35 years. Please don’t be upset at my comment, but just understand that you live only once and what happens in your life is based on the decisions that you make. It doesn’t matter how you look, don’t feel like the reason is your looks, ever. You deserve to be happy – end of the discussion. Don’t ever think that you should sacrifice twice in a row. It has to be one from you and one from the other partner. If it isn’t this way, then it isn’t worth continuing. Be strong and take responsibility for your happy tomorrow. It will all work out. I believe in you! One day you will look back at your journey to happiness and feel proud of yourself. And this is the only reason why you should try! A big hug!

      • Mary from United States says:

        Yes, why do they like that? I mean are they getting love somewhere else or just doing without? I really miss hugs and kisses and just being held.

  6. Sarge from United States says:

    From all the comments regarding husbands and why they stop talking or show “Emotional Abandonment”, I will give you an easy explanation for all the ladies, it’s because of DISRESPECT and the wife NOT LISTENING when we want some form of confirmation or acknowledgement that you get what we are saying or that you APPRECIATE US.

    1. I stop talking, 9 times out of 10 when my wife is rude, disrespectful, and talks in a condescending way or act like what I am saying doesn’t mean anything.

    So, in order not to get loud, violent, or argue… the best solution… DON’T TALK. Why you say? It’s because the old saying is “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

    2. When our wives don’t listen to us, we feel unappreciated and that our words have no value or meaning. It’s like I tell my daughter, I get upset when folks don’t listen. It’s rude, it shows that you don’t care, and it tells me what I am saying just goes in one ear and out the other.

    3) When husbands do things, buy things, make things, and show some of act of service or quality time or gifts, which are THREE of the LOVE LANGUAGES, then a wife should show appreciation. A simple “Thanks honey” “Love you honey, I really love what you did or what you bought”. Men want to be appreciated for what we do or what we say… nothing more, nothing less. When you don’t, then it’s a BIG forget you, in the FACE. Then we stop talking and ignore you.

    So, that is my take and my opinion. We have two huge problems in our culture, LACK OF COMMUNICATION and ARGUING OVER MONEY… the first one is easy to fix, just listen to the husband, like we listen to you ladies when we do, buy, or make, or fix the things you need or want.

    The best quote I ever heard was “The person that listens the most is the best orator or speaker”… that probably comes from the saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason, to listen twice as much as we talk:”

    Just listen to your husbands, appreciate us more, say THANK YOU more and we will love you like a faithful dog, not asking for much expect some food, some sex, and some laughter along the way. We are simple creatures us MEN, we don’t need much, but when you don’t listen or are ungrateful… in our minds and hearts, WE SAY… Forget You and Ignore you.

    • Dj from United States says:

      I agree with you on this one. As a guy, it fells great to feel validated, recognized & understood every once in a blue moon. It works the same way for the ladies, but some people fail to realize other people don’t need it when they do. Especially, if they’re special in your life & you’d do just about anything for them. When you sacrafice, it shows a lot about you & your character.

      I don’t think the ladies realize men have feelings, too. I think the general public has grown up with the teachings that men don’t cry & men don’t have feelings & don’t know how to communicate. I think if people would listen 90% of the time, acknowledge & show empathy, some relationships would improve.

  7. Sr from United States says:

    After being dismissed, ignored and emotionally shut down over and over it’s very hard to deal with it all. I haven’t handled it well and have lashed out when I can’t take it anymore. Then I feel like a horrible person. I just don’t know how else to get his attention. I try talking and saying what’s bothering me but I get dismissed or it will get better for a few days, and then we are right back to it. I hold it in as long as possible because talking gets me no where. Then when it comes out it’s horrible!

    I love him; we have a new baby 5 months old. I just don’t know how after all this. He tells me he’s happy but acts like he’s not when we’re together. Everything is all about him. If we’re talking it’s because he’s talking about what he wants to; other than that I feel alone. Any advice? I am far from perfect but all I want is attention, respect, and some help. I am not the maid; I work all day too. I want him to act interested in me sometimes.

  8. MK from United States says:

    I don’t really know where to begin. I’m three weeks from having a baby that we planned and tried for a long time. We have a combined family with three children and baby makes four. My husband is always stressed about his job situation. We has a very good paying job but it’s contract work therefore, there’s always this looming cloud that it could end and not be renewed. He’s a very hard worker and provider for his family.

    The issue comes in that he wants me to work from home (not out of home ever) and he has so many ideas that I try to keep up with. He has an entrepreneurial mind, which is great except we’ve tried working together in the past when owning our own business, which was mainly put on me to manage and run however he didn’t want me to leave the house to run it. So, I try so hard to do the many things he comes up with and even my own ideas too. But if I make one mistake or don’t know what a term means he gets so angry. He screams and yells at the top of his lungs where I’m sure anyone outside our house could hear too. Spit even gets on my face many times. I try to just let him get it all out and not say much because he can dish it but not take it. As soon as I try to say anything he tells me it’s all excuses. Excuses can be that I haven’t slept in nearly three months at night due to pain from this pregnancy, doctors appointments, kids appointments, changing of the plans constantly, etc. He takes it all as abandonment and putting it on him, like I just want a free ride.

    How can you be the perfect wife, perfect mom, intimate partner, business partner, etc? I’ve told him so many times I do not want us to work together because we just don’t do well at it. He’ll tell me later after he has said so many mean and hurtful things and I do mean they’re the kind of things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy, that I’m the only one around him and his friend, the only he can vent out to. Venting out is telling a person what’s going on in all aspects but just belittling the person you claim to love so much, which isn’t venting it out.

    For example he hasn’t hardly spoken to me for two days (other than the venting out that occurred and the endless mean texts yesterday morning). The whole cause of this is that we had talked about doing two new videos for a project we were working on a few weeks ago. I had forgotten about them because in that few weeks we revamped and changed many things and directions as usual. So when he mentioned it, I did work on one with a new software bc he doesn’t like the old software and when he got home from his regular job he blew up… once again. This behavior doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t make me want to try harder because no matter what I do, he will find fault. There isn’t one time he has just said wow that’s great or perfect, it’s always you need to do this or that or just tweak this or that. Or of course, it’s the response from a few days ago, which is back to me not caring, not listening, and nobody around him helps him because he wants to get out of the job he is doing.

    I am hurting so much on the inside and at this time the outside too. Sometimes he acknowledges that he has an anger issue but doesn’t know what to do about it. I have given my suggestions and sometimes it seems like they are taken but still obviously this is an issue. I am not perfect. I am so very tired and broken down that I can barely move. This should have been such a happy time in our lives and I find myself feeling like I just need to get through the baby being born and then just go our separate ways because it’s been many years of this same fight. Sometimes his anger was at others in the past but now it’s all toward me and from what I have seen the only way that anger ceases with him is when that person is no longer around him.

    I hate that he will continue to lose people but at what point do you say enough is enough? It’s not what I want because for all the things that have happened and that we have been through, I love this man dearly but I don’t want my daughters growing up thinking thats what husband is too and repeat it, except some men get violent.

    Sorry for the novel. There’s so much more to tell but this is getting just too long. :)

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      I can well understand why you’re discouraged and disheartened. I would be too. Your husband, while he’s a good guy in some ways, is a bully. He uses the excuse that he needs to “vent” with you and this friend. He doesn’t NEED to vent to you or this friend, he CHOOSES to do so because of a lack in his ability to make wiser choices. He can go into a darkened room, with his darkened behavior and vent there –yelling and screaming and so, if that’s what he feels is necessary. By doing so he will spare you and his friend MUCH grief and abuse. And this IS abuse. You are his victim, never being given a choice, or a viable escape, if you want to still be married to him. That is unfair on so many levels.

      Your husband needs serious help with his anger issues. You should not be his verbal battering ram. He needs to learn how to control himself. He doesn’t do this with others, or he would be fired and in jail. But he has CHOSEN to “vent” his anger at you. Poor choice… horrible choice –for you, your marriage, and your daughters. You may need to talk to a “marriage friendly” counselor, if he won’t. He will eventually beat you down verbally to the point where all love will be drained out and respect. He needs to know that. This kind of toxic behavior takes its toll… on you, and your daughters. How sad!

      I recommend you read an article we have posted on this web site at http://marriagemissions.com/dealing-with-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-within-marriage/. I also think Leslie’s book may be good for you to read because you need to find your voice in a way that won’t make things worse. You can find it at The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope.

      Again, how horribly sad this situation is… my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you.

    • Joy from United States says:

      MK, he’s emotionally abusive. You’ve become his whipping post. There’s nothing under the sun you’ve done to ever warrant being treated like that. Men like him do this because they can. If you continue to let him do it, i.e. listening patiently, he’ll continue to act this way. You have to value yourself higher and treat his actions as completely unacceptable. It’s you who receive the brunt of his anger but what about when your kids are older? Will he treat them the same, or even worse, will they think behavior like his is okay?

      Stand up for yourself and if need be, get away from him or kick him out. This probably isn’t going to change or get better by his hand. It will probably keep escalating. He is controlling and has isolated you by allowing you to work out of the home because he can’t have his reign over you tampered with. He could be narcissistic and using you add his blame platform. You don’t deserve to be treated sub-human.

  9. Tom from New Zealand says:

    The only thing holding me in at the moment is the kids and probably some sort of lame devotion to God. My wife was raised in a dysfunctional family her parents had affairs, played the children off against each other and some pretty nasty other stuff. Needless to say I have very little respect for both of them. I started out being the devoted husband, we both worked and while I mostly did all the chores, she did from time to time make an effort.

    She wanted children, we had them and I operated a very successful business. At some point after 2 children she decided that she had had enough, we talked and basically she couldn’t say if she wanted to be with me. I was raised in a traditional family (pretty secure and assuring) so this rocked me. Eventually I suggested that it ended, which sort of pushed us into counselling. Soon afterwards I discovered a secret email account she had set up and was communicating with another married man. I hit the roof and kicked her out for a week while I tried to regroup. Eventually we reconciled, she claims an emotional affair, me – I really don’t know.

    We got life back on track and another baby arrived, then another, soon after a new business opportunity came along. We talked about it and decided to give it a go. It bombed, we moved to a new city to take on a new business and it bombed. In the meantime the other man from down the way was back on the scene. She went down to tidy up the house getting it ready for sale, and in the meantime I discover she has been texting back and forward over 2000 times in the space of 4 months. Again while the business is in a downward spiral and I’m at my most stressed leaking cash (an understatement) she’s off with captain home wrecker. Again claims emotional affair -nothing physical -but things didn’t stack. Counseling and tried to repair, purchases an absolute dung pile of a house, a fair commute from the business and here we are.

    She has had almost full time help with the kids for the last 8 years. This involved at one point someone doing the meals and keeping the house in order. I have never stopped her from doing anything, apart from the last thing that lead to the emotional affairs -and I even softened on that. We differ in raising the kids -she lets them get away with almost whatever they like to avoid any hassle. I try to put boundaries in place. My dad, God rest his soul, watched all of this and couldn’t understand what she wanted, my best friend witnesses her princess like behaviour, and I am basically done.

    The business is now running very well, but I’m sick of the commute. She says she will look closer but everything turns up empty, even the nanny and babysitter don’t understand.

    I know I’ve been hard to deal with and tended to bottle things up because I didn’t want the hassle, and frankly nothing changed. However I’ve lost respect and trust, and feel myself more and more checking out of this marriage. Whamo.

  10. Mary from United States says:

    My husband and I have been married for 32 years and have 3 grown children whom we both love dearly. Six years ago, my husband suffered a serious injury while working on our house. He had numerous surgeries over several years, and I nursed him back to health. He lost his job as a result of this accident, and tried for several years to obtain a job in a tanked economy, and he was in his 50’s.

    He finally got one about a year and a half ago, but it was a shift job in a factory over an hour away. It became a problem in the time we had to spend together. Several months ago, he became very withdrawn and wouldn’t do anything around the house. We fought, quite a bit. In retrospect, he was clearly depressed. Six weeks ago, my husband sent me a text saying: “Ran Away.” I haven’t heard a word from him since, and neither has anyone. He withdrew his retirement money (too early, but didn’t give it a thought); I found that some of it was wired to Daytona Beach, Florida. This is where he went, and when contacted by Daytona PD, he said he wouldn’t be in touch with anyone and was starting a new life.

    My children and I are totally devastated. I know this man loved me. I still love him very, very much. We’ve been through so much together. There’s no way to contact him, or to know if he’s dead or alive. This started with emotional abandonment. I’m struggling to get through each day, and am not sure if I can make it. I’m praying and praying for some kind of contact.

  11. Joshua from United States says:

    2 weeks ago I came home after a doctors appointment and my wife informed me she wanted a divorce. Before that she just kept saying she didn’t know what she wanted. She fell for a guy online. They stay up till 2-4 AM talking. She has told him some very private stuff about our relationship, my medical issues and our marriage as a whole. She claims she not in love with me but loves me. All the while she claims she wants to be friends, and have me stay in the house till we finish stuff up on a financial level and medical level. She is hot/cold all the time.

    She comes in at 4 AM today wakes me up crying and then wants to be held. Frankly the situation is driving me in sane. Her chief complaint against me was my anger and outbursts over threatening to leave her in a span of 9 years yet I never left her, never physically harmed her in any way, and never cheated on her. I do have a temper in which I’m getting treatment for, so none of this makes any sense to me at this point. She also complained there was no intimacy.

    I’ve heard a lot complaints about me in the last 3 weeks. Yet she took off on a camping trip with this other guy and I have known for a while they have done stuff. So I’m confused as to what she thinking. She comes in late hours crying! I let her go to this other guy. If he makes her happy then so be it. But still she’s up late crying. It makes no sense at all to me. When I ask her to talk she shuts down, and says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

  12. Allie from United States says:

    My husband hasn’t spoken to me in 9 weeks. I have apologized for what I did (asked a question I should not have) and he berated me for close to an hour. If I ask him anything he will answer but turn his back on me. Also, if I go into a room he is in he leaves. Sometimes… i feel I can handle it then other times… I just wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

    • Mr B from United Kingdom says:

      I’m in the army. My wife resents the fact that I’m away for four days of the week and she has to juggle our four children. I enlisted after we had split up about four years ago. She keeps bringing up past issues and says that my job represents a rollover of all the past problems. Now she says she wants to slit up but wants me to keep coming home to the house and sharing the bed so that the kids don’t find out. But she won’t let me talk through our problems or seek counseling. I need some real advice because she is my soulmate and I don’t want to lose her.

      • Debbie Lora from United States says:

        I have been married 23 years, we have no children. Even before we got married my husband put his own wishes before our relationship; that should have been a red flag but…My husband works graveyard so we see very little of one another because I work during the day. I have tried to ask him to get on another shift so we could have a more normal life but he won’t.

        During his work week he rides a bike to work that’s 3 hrs. back and forth, and on his lunch break he runs around the parking lot.That seems so excessive, I try to talk to him about it but I just have to leave that alone. Well this week he arranged to be on vacation, there was some kind of cancer relay that he had signed up for. He ran all night long which is great; that’s fine.

        There are so many things that he has promised to do around the house and said he would get them done this week. Well I went to work and he was supposed to be working around here but instead decided to watch movies. This happens a lot – kinda like a teenager. Well I said how was the movie because he was trying to act like he had been working the whole time. I guess he didn’t like that because for the past 4 days he’s been in his bedroom and only comes out when either I leave or go to bed. Usually when he does this I go in and apologize and make amends but this time I am just leaving him in there.

        I have tried to get us into marriage counseling numerous times. In his opinion it is always too far or too expensive. Believe me I am not saying I am a perfect wife, I can be critical and selfish too, the difference between us is that I will take responsibility for my actions repent. My husband does not apologize, everything is my fault, it is because of me that all this is happening and that can’t be true. But I have believed this for along time.

        • Heidi from United States says:

          My husband was great when we started dating. Felt like we belonged together. Totally had me fooled. After 3 months of dating he asked me to move in with him. Instantly he changed into this angry, verbally and emotionally abusive person out of nowhere. I’d come home from work and he’d be sitting in the dark smoking cigarettes and drinking beer listening to depressing music. He withheld sex only maybe once a month having it. I wound up pregnant with my daughter. (I have a son from previous relationship also.)

          He was ok for couple months then the abuse started again. After I had my daughter he was violent towards me, trying to throw me down the stairs, kicked me, slapped me across the face, etc. He even pushed me and threw stuff at me a week after I had my pacemaker put in. The violence finally stopped but the verbal and emotional abuse continue.

          2 years ago I found out he had a 5 month affair with this disgusting female. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve always prided myself on my looks, always pleasant, attentive, clean, always worked and took care of house and kids. All these years of wanting attention and affection and love and he gives it to someone else?

          He literally cried his eyes out for a month and threatened suicide begging me back. I had already moved on but he was persistent so like a fool took him back. I got sucked in again and not even a month after he was back all the emotional and verbal abuse started again plus the added bonus of the pain from his affair. He hasn’t helped me get over it, in fact he makes it worse. It’s like he pretends it never happened. He has the attitude of how dare I not trust him. I just can’t take it anymore but right now leaving him is not an option. There’s so much more to the story but would be way too long. Just needed to vent as I have no one.

          • Debbie from United States says:

            I know how lonely one can feel in the midst of a huge trial. Keep your eyes on the LORD, he will keep you. He is keeping me. Sometimes I relly feel like I am going to loose my mind, but with good counselors and the help of our heavenly Father we will make it through.I will be praying that God will bring you in contact with people who will minister to you.

    • Joy from United States says:

      What question could warrant an hour long berating? He doesn’t sound like a good man or partner and I’d suggest evaluating his punishment for any “crime” he feels us necessary to discipline. A wife shouldn’t be punished but rather communicated with. Some guys feel like they have the right to treat their spouse like a naughty, annoying child. I ask you to call him out on this. Stand up for yourself and if it makes things worse, then maybe that’s the evaluation you need to get away from an emotionally abusive guy. No woman is a doormat or deserves his form of punishment.

  13. Kathy from United States says:

    I’ve been married for over 20 years. I recently told my husband that I’ve been unhappy for the last two years. His verbal abuse and lack communications as our lives got busy have caused a great emotional disconnect. We have children and we’ve always placed them first in our lives. Today I feel like my children come first. I feel like I’m staying with my spouse because of our children.

    I’m not attractive to my husband and that’s a huge problem because I’ve become rude and disrespectful to a man who can’t understand why I’m going through this. We’re now going through marriage counseling but I cannot seem to control my emotions in a point to LOVE my husband. I love my husband as a friend at this point and probably have for awhile. Can this be solved? Things have only gotten worst since I’ve now engaged in a conversation with another man. The other man listens and doesn’t judge or verbally abuse me. I have no emotions for this other man but he’s a wrench in me staying focus. I’m happy by happiest when I’m with children and not with my spouse. Is it time to leave?

  14. Tim from United States says:

    My wife can hold all her emotions inside and never need to talk about or think about them. She and I don’t communicate. I’m very open, I want my wife to miss me when we’re apart, and need me, so we can be there for each other. I need her to talk to me about what’s going on with her good or bad. I want her to lean on my shoulder and need her to be there for me.

    But for many years now we have not been a couple. If I tell her that our situation scares me because I don’t want to lose our marriage, she just stares at the TV. I have to make her angry before she’ll explode at me, and that’s not sharing. If I tell her that the worst part is when I tell her the way we’re living hurts me, she’ll let me get done talking, go to bed, and the next day it’s like we never talked. That’s what really pushes me over the edge, she knows what’s going on and that’s not just her, but both of us, and she still can go to work and watch her shows, play her iphone games, like nothing is wrong. I’m at my limit.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Tim, I’m so sorry to read of the emotional abandonment you’re feeling from your wife in this marriage. I have a suggestion that might help in some way. There is a book titled, How We Love written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich that I recommend you read. I believe it will be extremely insightful for you. I heard them speaking on a radio broadcast a while ago and it sounds like the story of their marriage mirrors yours in many ways.

      Please put the name Yerkovich into the search engine we provide and you’ll find several things you can view and read through, concerning their book and what they have learned that may help you. Many times our styles of approach in how we deal with communication can seem so confusing to the other, but when you gain some insights into why others, such as your wife, approaches matters the way they do, or she does, you may find it helpful. Hopefully, she will eventually participate with you in trying to build communication bridges.

      Also, Milan Yerkovich participates in the New Life Ministries radio program. Please go to the following web site and you’ll find info that can help you to listen sometimes. You may even consider calling into their program to present the problem you most want insight for, or perhaps listening to others on their program may help. Either way, I believe that what you are encountering with your wife, although extremely frustrating right now, has the possibility of changing in some way if you gain the insights you need to best know how to bridge your different styles. I pray you get the insights and practical help you need.

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