Marriage Missions International

Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

When it comes to emotional abandonment:

“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:

  • ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
  • ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
  • ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
  • ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’

“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)

Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home —which often seems to complicate the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?

Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.

But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.

To give you some type of insight into what may be causing emotional shut downs and what a spouse can do to turn things around in a better direction, we have found several web site articles that we believe will help. Please click onto the links below to read:



With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site, not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue, which you may want to consider:

• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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236 Responses to “Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out”
  1. Janet from United Kingdom says:

    My husband is a difficult man to live with, always has been. Anger is close to the surface and he unwittingly uses his tongue to put me down. I am very easy going, laid back and happy go lucky in nature. However, if I am in a happy mood he drains it out of me, by dismissing what I have to say.

    He takes more interest in rubbish films on the tv and tells me to ‘shush’, or ‘can I just watch this’ meaning …. shut up! Quite frankly I am sick of it, I try hard to be interested in what he has to say as I don’t want to sink to his level but I don’t think I can be bothered anymore. Life is too short. I’ve been married to him for nearly 30 years and put up with this for nearly all of them.

    Totally fed up, what can I do? I have told him how I feel and he replies ‘Oh for Gods sake, get over it. I can’t be bothered…yet again meaning ‘shut up’ ….. Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!

    • Lisa from United States says:

      I’d like to hear others opinions, for I’m in the same situation.

    • Jose from United States says:

      With all due respect I will apologize now for any reply that may seem hurtful. I will say one must go back to the beginning till about where you’re at now in your relationship and see what may have caused your husband to shut down. Then start from there, to see what can be done to bring him back,

      • Mark from Australia says:

        I am not sure it is that easy to pinpoint what makes people shut down. My wife shut down a while ago and I cannot pinpoint why. I can see lots of flaws in myself… but who can’t? None of us are perfect. Do we have to try and become someone we are not, using tactics and scheming? I think this is not a natural state of affairs but neither is divorce, so what is one to do?

        I have talked till the cows come home but nothing changes… that is all anyone advises… just talk and you’ll work it out?? Doesn’t work for me because my wife doesn’t want to talk or tell me what is going on. All she says is she loves me and that is that.

        • Cindy Wright from United States says:

          Mark, I’ve recommended the following book(s) to people in the past because it’s like getting hours and hours of therapy right at your fingertips. The following might help you in some way: – There’s a book I recommend you pick up because you might find it enlightening. It’s written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It’s the book, How We Love. Kay was cool in her approach towards her husband and he was the one left wondering why she wasn’t closer (a lot like you). This book might give you insights into the distant way your wife treats you, as well. I’m thinking that this book might give you some insights that could help in some way that can’t be given through email or simple comments.

          I heard Milan and Kay Yerkovich being interviewed on a Focus on the Family program. It seemed to be very helpful in explaining how everyone’s childhood impacts their love styles as adults. There are 5 types of people: Avoider, Vacillator, Pleaser, Controller and Victim. They give lots of great examples on each. The good news is, they talk about ways to improve your own communication patterns so that you can interact more effectively with your spouse. They believe that through prayer, and learning improved communication methods, a relationship can be improved. Even if you’re the only one making conscious changes, it creates a shift in the relationship.

          There’s another book –one that I haven’t read, but it comes highly recommended. It’s written by Dr Tim Clinton and is titled, Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do. Again, it looks insightful. I hate to throw books at you as a solution (I realize that some people just don’t want to go that route; they’d prefer a 1,2,3 solution card given to them, where once they read it or have it given to them, they follow those “solutions” and BAM! Their problem is resolved). But I’m not thinking this problem is that easily solved because as you said, you’ve “talked till the cows come home but nothing changes”). Sometimes we have to wade through the hard stuff, requiring work and added effort on our part, in order to get some type of answers and insights that can help us to know how to proceed –ones that actually work.

          • Jenny from United States says:

            I heartily second the endorsement of “How We Love.” I learned a lot from this book and I’ve recommended it to many friends. I too heard the interview with Milan and Kay on Focus on the Family, and I sat in a parking lot taking notes on the back of an envelope! They have very realistic examples (you’ll feel like they must have been in your living room, spying!), but as Cindy said, they offer a tremendous amount of hope for change.

            They openly say that they believe in the power of prayer to change people. I believe this too. I am not currently in a relationship but I have been working on myself, and I continue to pray for God to touch my dear, estranged friend. I am actually seriously considering buying him this book as a late Christmas gift because I think he would benefit so much. However, I am continuing to pray about this step as I want God to do the leading, not me!

        • Michelle from Australia says:

          Mark, I’m suffering badly from my partner who has honestly checked out of this relationship. Everything annoys him; he doesn’t want to talk. I walk in a room and he walks out. I try talking to him and he tells me 2 f… off and leave him alone. He hasn’t tried to make advances towards me in a long time. He says everything that comes out of my mouth is b.s. I feel so alone so bad about myself.

          He is a very set in his ways and really doesn’t like someone having an opinion. He doesn’t like being asked to do something, even if I ask for a cup of tea he rolls his eyes and sits back down. All I do is wait on him and he can’t even do that for me. It’s like it pains him to please me. When I try to work out what’s goin on he says shut up; I don’t want to talk about b.s. Then I say well, it’s over isn’t it? And he says no just stop being an idiot. I’m not even half the girl I used to be. It has taken such a toll on my spirit. I question why I love him and I think it’s because I have nowhere to go and not much else. Why does he feel he can treat me that way?

          • Sad from United States says:

            I feel the same way…have you received any good advice? How is it working out for you?

    • Gloria from United States says:

      My husband does me the same way and we have only been married seven years. He tells me to shut up because his show is on. I just think my marriage is over. I pray about him and I all the time. I can’t get him to go to church with me. Before we got together he lost his son. He was two months old and he is so angry at God for taking him. I feel I have no chance with him.

  2. Joe from United States says:

    Why is it always the men on these sites?

    I have a wife who while we were dating had me on a pedestal I never asked to be on. Once we got married and had kids, I had some growing up to do, and know I’ve hurt her – we’ve hurt each other. Like others have said, it happens in marriage. But because of the high pedestal she had me on, something I could never live up to, now any conflict is an opportunity to go into full retreat mode, sometimes over what might be seemingly minor things.

    I wish there was more out there. Everything is about emotionally distant men. There are emotionally distant women out there too. I am still head over heals in love with her, but it feels like an old Charlie Brown placard – “when you get it right, no one remembers, when you get it wrong, no one forgets”.

    • John from United States says:

      So true. Let me know if you were ever able to turn things around and how.

    • Laura from United States says:

      Don’t know if this comment will shed any light. I am a woman who retreats into emotional distance. I am happy to share my why’s if it can help. Please keep in mind that my whys are specifically mine; your wife, girlfriend, lover’s will be different.

      I come from a past of childhood traumas of varying happenings, this along with choosing past partners who repeated cycles of trauma. I am a very vivacious person and when I feel safe and secure; all of me is always on the table. I’m a heart on the sleeve kind of gal. When I do not feel safe or secure (I.e. my partner does not have my back- I.e. Feeling that my partner doesn’t have my best interests at heart) I retreat into the place that I know of as safe and secure and who I know has my best interests at heart -myself.

      I have all kinds of proven faith in my own abilities to survive, I know my own heart and it’s true desires so its easy (I.e. Safe) to go where I feel the safest. Every relationship is formed out of experiences. Most of the time it seems we are Pavlovian in nature; we seek what makes us feel good and we avoid the areas that hurt. I’m often overly self-reflective in nature, I don’t know you or your wife. But, I would ask that you ask yourself two things. 1. In what ways may your wife feel safer emotionally if she retreats inside? 2. Are your actions out of fear or love? Pleasure seek/pain aversion?

      • Jaime from United States says:

        Hi Laura, My wife recently became emotionally distant, saying she doesn’t love me. Limiting her answers to “yes”, “no”, “ok” for over a week. I understand my mistakes made her distant and shut down emotionally. She is similar to you in that Pavlovian sense, and how she prefers to detach, go to a safe haven.

        As a women, how would you prefer your husband approaches your emotional shut down? How can he regain at least communication? By acting lovingly? Giving her space for some time?

        • Lee from United States says:

          As a wife of over 20 years, I still get emotionally distant when I know I can’t talk or even express my feelings to my husband. It seems men in general feel threatened, or as if everything is their fault. It’s not always the case, I promise you.

          DON’T SAY A WORD, WALK UP TO YOUR WIFE, HUG HER, AND TELL HER “EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY”. This is ALL a woman needs about 95% of the time. Just do it! Women are naturally emotional beings, we just get overwhelmed sometimes. We just need our partners to make us feel secure and loved in a single act! You will be amazed what doing this at times of distress, will do for your relationship.

  3. Jose from United States says:

    2 weeks ago my wife told me she was numb and needed her space to “find herself”. She didn’t ask me for a divorce but I asked her if she wanted one. She didn’t say yes or no, but hinted that she wanted me out (or at least I took it that way). I took it very personal and I packed a bag and left without having anywhere to really go. What’s strange is that the same morning that this occured she was very loving and affectionate. I believe what caused her to blow her top is that she tried to call her father (who has always neglected her) which she hasn’t spoken to in about 7 months and hasn’t seen in about 25 years. When she wasn’t able to get in contact with him that’s when she became numb and angry enough to request her space from me.

    After I left I tried calling her a couple of days after this happened and she didn’t answer, nor call me back. I have since not tried to contact her but I still love her even though she hurt my feelings. After 9 years of being together and 4 years marriage I’m devastated and just feel lost. In 2014 so far I lost my mother, laid off from my job, and now it seems like I lost my wife. I’m not perfect but I’ve never cheated on her, nor been abusive (though we’ve had several disagreements nothing out of the ordinary), and I don’t hang out with friends all hours of the night. The only semi-serious issue we had were finances. I’ve bounced around many jobs and haven’t been the best money manager… it’s a very complicated situation and whatever insight anyone has will be appreciated.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jose, It sounds like you and your wife need to call a truce and quit treating each other like enemies and strangers. You’re not; so don’t act like it. Instead, dig deep into your wedding vows and say “I do” and “I will” all over again… “I will love, honor and cherish” the one I vowed to love and cherish for ever.

      I suggest you go to your wife and talk with her. Confess everything you believe you have recently done wrong. Ask for her forgiveness and ask her to join with you in calling a truce (You can find an article on this at And then ask for her help in rebuilding, or building your marriage so it’s strong and filled with love, rather than the strife you’ve been experiencing lately. You both need each other. You’ve both been hurt in life and you should work to be a safe place for the other to fall, when life kicks you.

      You may ask, “why me?” And my answer is that someone needs to jump off this crazy ride and be the hero here… sacrificing for the betterment of both of you and persevering as you said you would on your wedding day.

      This will take intentionality and determination. Please look around this web site. We have LOTS of articles and resources that can help you, so you learn some new things on how to build a good marriage and how to “unlearn” some things that need to be dealt with and thrown out with yesterday’s garbage. This won’t be easy, but if you both vow to do this together, you will be amazed how wonderful your marriage can be. I know… this is what my husband and I did. And we are now married over 42 years, and are going strong. We are DEEPLY in love with each other. There was a time when that wasn’t so. We were close to divorce. But we dug in and decided we were going to make our marriage work, “so help us God.” And He has, and we have. I pray this for you and your wife.

      I pray that you both open your eyes to the mess that you allowed yourselves to get into, but I also pray that you open your eyes to the fact that you can start anew with each other. Each day can bring a new beginning. Yes, you have hurt each other, but don’t let that block you from all the good waiting for you if you forgive, release that which you should, you work together, and love together with the determination you had when you first married. I pray God’s help for both of you in this mission.

      • Jose from United States says:

        Thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m just tired of trying to communicate and being the only one making the effort… She hoards her pain and then explodes when she can’t take it anymore. I would confess to what I did if I actually did something. Like I said previously I’m not perfect but I wasn’t the direct cause of what happened. Deep down I am still willing to do whatever it takes to make it work but she doesn’t even want to talk to me. She’s acting like I never existed. I would understand if I had actually done something to deserve (i.e. Infidelity, Domestic Violence, etc.). I’m just so lost I don’t know how to proceed in my marriage at this point. But I will read the articles and maybe things will make more sense when I do.

        • Sunrita from Canada says:

          Hello, Sometimes, actually most of the time, when there’s a difficult time, the hardest thing to do is giving space to the other person. Leaving her alone doesn’t mean you are abandoning her. It’s the opposite. You are watching her and while you are doing that you’re loving her more than ever and giving her very precious gift. Give her space if you can and just be there but do nothing that she can deal with whatever she has. And let her know that’s what you are doing.

          A lot of times in marriage it’s not about the other person. It’s about what we have and our own demons. Instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself. Find your center and what would make you happy.

          • Nancy from United States says:

            I disagree because I suffer in physical pain in my body and he walked out, having no heart. If I need anything he has given me so much anger I can’t stand it. It’s like who does this to someone? He plays the victim and he’s been lying to me for about three years after my surgery. He was hanging out a little too much with a so call friend. He kept telling me he was getting behind on work and needed to work long on Saturday and the reason was during the week he was out playing golf with this guy.

            I met him once and my husband would really say bad things about him but hang out behind my back. So I went and lost it, when I found out the truth. He deleted back history on the computer(too many things to list. I really think hes gay and got mad that I found out his dirty little secret. I was so upset because I was in the need of money for doctor appointments. He tells me to not text him or call him, but when I did he goes off and we got into a a big fight at his work place where he got a restrianing order to keep me away from his cars business and his parents house.

            But like I said all he does is say how bad I am and how I put him down but I have my reasons. I am a born-again Christian for 23 years. My husband came to the Lord later. We dated for years because I was a single mom of two teenage sons and they were first besides God. I can’t deal with this. We live in a two story house and there are times I hurt so bad I don’t eat because I can’t walk the stairs.

            I have been so faithful but I don’t believe he has. I need advice. Oh, and by the way we been married 12 years; 13 years in Feb., 2015.

    • Victoria from United States says:

      You said that your wife hadn’t seen her father in 25 years. That leaves a huge hole in a person. Years of wondering “why doesn’t he want me”, “is there something wrong with me”, “what did I do”, changes the core of a person. Your wife is living with that. And without help she will forever question all relationships because of that abandonment. When a father walks away from a child the assumption becomes that all relationships will be like that. So instead of being the one left behind, she pushed you away. She (at least in this situation) had control.

      It doesn’t mean that she you haven’t been a good husband, it just means that she is protecting herself. Is this right?No. Fair? Definitely not. But I don’t believe that this is really about the two of you, I just think she is in pain. My suggestion would be for you to go talk to a counselor, gain insight into your relationship and perhaps a counselor will give you a good plan to help you and your wife. Don’t walk away because of her past this is her expectation of men. Prove her wrong. Good luck.

  4. Julie from United States says:

    Anytime my husband gets mad he stops speaking to me for weeks, sometimes months. I never see it coming; I could think we are getting along great – we are talking, spending time together – then boom he’s withdrawn, won’t speak to anyone, won’t eat any meals I fix. It seems to he cares more for his friends over others I care about. 6 weeks ago my daughter had my first grandson, and of course I was happy. But boom hubby quit speaking, withdrew, even completely ignoring baby.

    • Rochelle from South Africa says:

      I agree totally. I have been married for 25 years and my spouse is still the same person, not changed for anything. He doesn’t talk, speaks when it’s necessary, and doesn’t take part in his kids lives. We’re total strangers. I work hard and do everything in the home. He pays as a boarder and expects everything to be done, doesn’t buy a gift for his kids or me. He takes me for granted. Whenever I ask him to leave he says he will change but he never does. I’ve given up talking now cos it makes no sense to do so. I’m living in a marriage that I don’t want to be in. My kids don’t have a relationship with him at all, and he thinks it’s fine.

      I am slowing dying inside. I want out so badly I don’t know what to do. I need help so bad. How do I say this, as he will say he has no where to go. I was diagnosed with cancer and he was never supportive at all, doesn’t care about the pains I go through; to him I should do as I do, and go on. I cannot anymore, I need to be happy as well. Please give any advice or tell me if I am wrong. I stayed all these years for the kids but they are also fed up now.

      • Mary from United States says:

        I am in same boat as you. I love him but want out so bad. He does not care about me at all. Our kids are grown. One lives with us with her two children, and more people live with us. I am left to do all work and he doesn’t care. He won’t even help me. But the worst is living with someone you can’t turn to or talk to. He just gets mad when I say something. How do you get out after so long?

  5. Lisa from United States says:

    My husband & I have been together since we were teenagers. We have 2 wonderful children in college. He is the greatest father I have ever seen in all my years. Is very close with the kids. With me though, he is not. He has always done what he wanted & went where he wanted (ski trips, surf trips–without me). There have been no affairs by either of us. He has never really talked to me over the years. Also, his mother never really loved him (big reason he is like this, I think). He has never gotten over our son leaving for college and now our daughter recently left.

    I have never been included on decisions, purchases, vacation plans, gifts for kids, etc. It has been very painful over the years. I have seen a few therapists but left. He also suffered a mental breakdown a couple of years ago and has never continued any treatment. So, now I am just at a point in my life that I cannot see spending the next 20-30 years living ALONE with my husband. He literally does not say a word to me. If I try to start a conversation he does not reply. He does not ask to go anywhere. Our son had a college function recently and just because I was going, he didn’t.

    He purchased 2 paddle boards, but never asks me to go, but will ask the kids whenever they are home. During his breakdown I wanted to leave so bad as he was never home, started gambling (not any longer), was gone for hours during the day, etc. This lasted over a year and I stayed. I just cannot do it any longer. He recently retired so I have a feeling he will be traveling a lot to go surfing, skiing, golfing, etc. I cry 3-4 times a week as the pain hurts so bad. I feel like if we were to get divorced then I have failed. That is what I would be–a failure. I do not believe in divorce. My husband will not go to counseling so I guess I am at a loss.

    • Lisa from United States says:

      I just wanted to add to my story –I also wanted to know why my husband cannot take affection. If I go near him he shrugs away. I feel like I have some infectious disease –it hurts. If I go to kiss him, he turns his face. There is intimacy, but only on his advances. I’ve been with him for 35 years and he has always been like this. He’s very affectionate with our children. He has said he loves me only one time, and that is when he was going to the hospital a couple of years ago.

      I’m not an unattractive woman–I used to model, I was a cheerleader, I go to the gym, I’m in great shape, I work full time again after 18 years, I’m organized, clean, generous, etc. I wish he would let me know why he’s like this with ME. But, he doesn’t talk to me. I’m planning on leaving, I don’t want to, but I can’t live like this any longer.

      • Zilola from Uzbekistan says:

        Dear Lisa, I feel very sorry that this is happening to you. But I must say you have a great tolerance if you really have been living like this for 35 years. Please don’t be upset at my comment, but just understand that you live only once and what happens in your life is based on the decisions that you make. It doesn’t matter how you look, don’t feel like the reason is your looks, ever. You deserve to be happy – end of the discussion. Don’t ever think that you should sacrifice twice in a row. It has to be one from you and one from the other partner. If it isn’t this way, then it isn’t worth continuing. Be strong and take responsibility for your happy tomorrow. It will all work out. I believe in you! One day you will look back at your journey to happiness and feel proud of yourself. And this is the only reason why you should try! A big hug!

      • Mary from United States says:

        Yes, why do they like that? I mean are they getting love somewhere else or just doing without? I really miss hugs and kisses and just being held.

  6. Sarge from United States says:

    From all the comments regarding husbands and why they stop talking or show “Emotional Abandonment”, I will give you an easy explanation for all the ladies, it’s because of DISRESPECT and the wife NOT LISTENING when we want some form of confirmation or acknowledgement that you get what we are saying or that you APPRECIATE US.

    1. I stop talking, 9 times out of 10 when my wife is rude, disrespectful, and talks in a condescending way or act like what I am saying doesn’t mean anything.

    So, in order not to get loud, violent, or argue… the best solution… DON’T TALK. Why you say? It’s because the old saying is “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

    2. When our wives don’t listen to us, we feel unappreciated and that our words have no value or meaning. It’s like I tell my daughter, I get upset when folks don’t listen. It’s rude, it shows that you don’t care, and it tells me what I am saying just goes in one ear and out the other.

    3) When husbands do things, buy things, make things, and show some of act of service or quality time or gifts, which are THREE of the LOVE LANGUAGES, then a wife should show appreciation. A simple “Thanks honey” “Love you honey, I really love what you did or what you bought”. Men want to be appreciated for what we do or what we say… nothing more, nothing less. When you don’t, then it’s a BIG forget you, in the FACE. Then we stop talking and ignore you.

    So, that is my take and my opinion. We have two huge problems in our culture, LACK OF COMMUNICATION and ARGUING OVER MONEY… the first one is easy to fix, just listen to the husband, like we listen to you ladies when we do, buy, or make, or fix the things you need or want.

    The best quote I ever heard was “The person that listens the most is the best orator or speaker”… that probably comes from the saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason, to listen twice as much as we talk:”

    Just listen to your husbands, appreciate us more, say THANK YOU more and we will love you like a faithful dog, not asking for much expect some food, some sex, and some laughter along the way. We are simple creatures us MEN, we don’t need much, but when you don’t listen or are ungrateful… in our minds and hearts, WE SAY… Forget You and Ignore you.

    • Dj from United States says:

      I agree with you on this one. As a guy, it fells great to feel validated, recognized & understood every once in a blue moon. It works the same way for the ladies, but some people fail to realize other people don’t need it when they do. Especially, if they’re special in your life & you’d do just about anything for them. When you sacrafice, it shows a lot about you & your character.

      I don’t think the ladies realize men have feelings, too. I think the general public has grown up with the teachings that men don’t cry & men don’t have feelings & don’t know how to communicate. I think if people would listen 90% of the time, acknowledge & show empathy, some relationships would improve.

  7. Sr from United States says:

    After being dismissed, ignored and emotionally shut down over and over it’s very hard to deal with it all. I haven’t handled it well and have lashed out when I can’t take it anymore. Then I feel like a horrible person. I just don’t know how else to get his attention. I try talking and saying what’s bothering me but I get dismissed or it will get better for a few days, and then we are right back to it. I hold it in as long as possible because talking gets me no where. Then when it comes out it’s horrible!

    I love him; we have a new baby 5 months old. I just don’t know how after all this. He tells me he’s happy but acts like he’s not when we’re together. Everything is all about him. If we’re talking it’s because he’s talking about what he wants to; other than that I feel alone. Any advice? I am far from perfect but all I want is attention, respect, and some help. I am not the maid; I work all day too. I want him to act interested in me sometimes.

  8. MK from United States says:

    I don’t really know where to begin. I’m three weeks from having a baby that we planned and tried for a long time. We have a combined family with three children and baby makes four. My husband is always stressed about his job situation. We has a very good paying job but it’s contract work therefore, there’s always this looming cloud that it could end and not be renewed. He’s a very hard worker and provider for his family.

    The issue comes in that he wants me to work from home (not out of home ever) and he has so many ideas that I try to keep up with. He has an entrepreneurial mind, which is great except we’ve tried working together in the past when owning our own business, which was mainly put on me to manage and run however he didn’t want me to leave the house to run it. So, I try so hard to do the many things he comes up with and even my own ideas too. But if I make one mistake or don’t know what a term means he gets so angry. He screams and yells at the top of his lungs where I’m sure anyone outside our house could hear too. Spit even gets on my face many times. I try to just let him get it all out and not say much because he can dish it but not take it. As soon as I try to say anything he tells me it’s all excuses. Excuses can be that I haven’t slept in nearly three months at night due to pain from this pregnancy, doctors appointments, kids appointments, changing of the plans constantly, etc. He takes it all as abandonment and putting it on him, like I just want a free ride.

    How can you be the perfect wife, perfect mom, intimate partner, business partner, etc? I’ve told him so many times I do not want us to work together because we just don’t do well at it. He’ll tell me later after he has said so many mean and hurtful things and I do mean they’re the kind of things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy, that I’m the only one around him and his friend, the only he can vent out to. Venting out is telling a person what’s going on in all aspects but just belittling the person you claim to love so much, which isn’t venting it out.

    For example he hasn’t hardly spoken to me for two days (other than the venting out that occurred and the endless mean texts yesterday morning). The whole cause of this is that we had talked about doing two new videos for a project we were working on a few weeks ago. I had forgotten about them because in that few weeks we revamped and changed many things and directions as usual. So when he mentioned it, I did work on one with a new software bc he doesn’t like the old software and when he got home from his regular job he blew up… once again. This behavior doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t make me want to try harder because no matter what I do, he will find fault. There isn’t one time he has just said wow that’s great or perfect, it’s always you need to do this or that or just tweak this or that. Or of course, it’s the response from a few days ago, which is back to me not caring, not listening, and nobody around him helps him because he wants to get out of the job he is doing.

    I am hurting so much on the inside and at this time the outside too. Sometimes he acknowledges that he has an anger issue but doesn’t know what to do about it. I have given my suggestions and sometimes it seems like they are taken but still obviously this is an issue. I am not perfect. I am so very tired and broken down that I can barely move. This should have been such a happy time in our lives and I find myself feeling like I just need to get through the baby being born and then just go our separate ways because it’s been many years of this same fight. Sometimes his anger was at others in the past but now it’s all toward me and from what I have seen the only way that anger ceases with him is when that person is no longer around him.

    I hate that he will continue to lose people but at what point do you say enough is enough? It’s not what I want because for all the things that have happened and that we have been through, I love this man dearly but I don’t want my daughters growing up thinking thats what husband is too and repeat it, except some men get violent.

    Sorry for the novel. There’s so much more to tell but this is getting just too long. :)

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      I can well understand why you’re discouraged and disheartened. I would be too. Your husband, while he’s a good guy in some ways, is a bully. He uses the excuse that he needs to “vent” with you and this friend. He doesn’t NEED to vent to you or this friend, he CHOOSES to do so because of a lack in his ability to make wiser choices. He can go into a darkened room, with his darkened behavior and vent there –yelling and screaming and so, if that’s what he feels is necessary. By doing so he will spare you and his friend MUCH grief and abuse. And this IS abuse. You are his victim, never being given a choice, or a viable escape, if you want to still be married to him. That is unfair on so many levels.

      Your husband needs serious help with his anger issues. You should not be his verbal battering ram. He needs to learn how to control himself. He doesn’t do this with others, or he would be fired and in jail. But he has CHOSEN to “vent” his anger at you. Poor choice… horrible choice –for you, your marriage, and your daughters. You may need to talk to a “marriage friendly” counselor, if he won’t. He will eventually beat you down verbally to the point where all love will be drained out and respect. He needs to know that. This kind of toxic behavior takes its toll… on you, and your daughters. How sad!

      I recommend you read an article we have posted on this web site at I also think Leslie’s book may be good for you to read because you need to find your voice in a way that won’t make things worse. You can find it at The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope.

      Again, how horribly sad this situation is… my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you.

    • Joy from United States says:

      MK, he’s emotionally abusive. You’ve become his whipping post. There’s nothing under the sun you’ve done to ever warrant being treated like that. Men like him do this because they can. If you continue to let him do it, i.e. listening patiently, he’ll continue to act this way. You have to value yourself higher and treat his actions as completely unacceptable. It’s you who receive the brunt of his anger but what about when your kids are older? Will he treat them the same, or even worse, will they think behavior like his is okay?

      Stand up for yourself and if need be, get away from him or kick him out. This probably isn’t going to change or get better by his hand. It will probably keep escalating. He is controlling and has isolated you by allowing you to work out of the home because he can’t have his reign over you tampered with. He could be narcissistic and using you add his blame platform. You don’t deserve to be treated sub-human.

  9. Tom from New Zealand says:

    The only thing holding me in at the moment is the kids and probably some sort of lame devotion to God. My wife was raised in a dysfunctional family her parents had affairs, played the children off against each other and some pretty nasty other stuff. Needless to say I have very little respect for both of them. I started out being the devoted husband, we both worked and while I mostly did all the chores, she did from time to time make an effort.

    She wanted children, we had them and I operated a very successful business. At some point after 2 children she decided that she had had enough, we talked and basically she couldn’t say if she wanted to be with me. I was raised in a traditional family (pretty secure and assuring) so this rocked me. Eventually I suggested that it ended, which sort of pushed us into counselling. Soon afterwards I discovered a secret email account she had set up and was communicating with another married man. I hit the roof and kicked her out for a week while I tried to regroup. Eventually we reconciled, she claims an emotional affair, me – I really don’t know.

    We got life back on track and another baby arrived, then another, soon after a new business opportunity came along. We talked about it and decided to give it a go. It bombed, we moved to a new city to take on a new business and it bombed. In the meantime the other man from down the way was back on the scene. She went down to tidy up the house getting it ready for sale, and in the meantime I discover she has been texting back and forward over 2000 times in the space of 4 months. Again while the business is in a downward spiral and I’m at my most stressed leaking cash (an understatement) she’s off with captain home wrecker. Again claims emotional affair -nothing physical -but things didn’t stack. Counseling and tried to repair, purchases an absolute dung pile of a house, a fair commute from the business and here we are.

    She has had almost full time help with the kids for the last 8 years. This involved at one point someone doing the meals and keeping the house in order. I have never stopped her from doing anything, apart from the last thing that lead to the emotional affairs -and I even softened on that. We differ in raising the kids -she lets them get away with almost whatever they like to avoid any hassle. I try to put boundaries in place. My dad, God rest his soul, watched all of this and couldn’t understand what she wanted, my best friend witnesses her princess like behaviour, and I am basically done.

    The business is now running very well, but I’m sick of the commute. She says she will look closer but everything turns up empty, even the nanny and babysitter don’t understand.

    I know I’ve been hard to deal with and tended to bottle things up because I didn’t want the hassle, and frankly nothing changed. However I’ve lost respect and trust, and feel myself more and more checking out of this marriage. Whamo.

  10. Mary from United States says:

    My husband and I have been married for 32 years and have 3 grown children whom we both love dearly. Six years ago, my husband suffered a serious injury while working on our house. He had numerous surgeries over several years, and I nursed him back to health. He lost his job as a result of this accident, and tried for several years to obtain a job in a tanked economy, and he was in his 50’s.

    He finally got one about a year and a half ago, but it was a shift job in a factory over an hour away. It became a problem in the time we had to spend together. Several months ago, he became very withdrawn and wouldn’t do anything around the house. We fought, quite a bit. In retrospect, he was clearly depressed. Six weeks ago, my husband sent me a text saying: “Ran Away.” I haven’t heard a word from him since, and neither has anyone. He withdrew his retirement money (too early, but didn’t give it a thought); I found that some of it was wired to Daytona Beach, Florida. This is where he went, and when contacted by Daytona PD, he said he wouldn’t be in touch with anyone and was starting a new life.

    My children and I are totally devastated. I know this man loved me. I still love him very, very much. We’ve been through so much together. There’s no way to contact him, or to know if he’s dead or alive. This started with emotional abandonment. I’m struggling to get through each day, and am not sure if I can make it. I’m praying and praying for some kind of contact.

  11. Joshua from United States says:

    2 weeks ago I came home after a doctors appointment and my wife informed me she wanted a divorce. Before that she just kept saying she didn’t know what she wanted. She fell for a guy online. They stay up till 2-4 AM talking. She has told him some very private stuff about our relationship, my medical issues and our marriage as a whole. She claims she not in love with me but loves me. All the while she claims she wants to be friends, and have me stay in the house till we finish stuff up on a financial level and medical level. She is hot/cold all the time.

    She comes in at 4 AM today wakes me up crying and then wants to be held. Frankly the situation is driving me in sane. Her chief complaint against me was my anger and outbursts over threatening to leave her in a span of 9 years yet I never left her, never physically harmed her in any way, and never cheated on her. I do have a temper in which I’m getting treatment for, so none of this makes any sense to me at this point. She also complained there was no intimacy.

    I’ve heard a lot complaints about me in the last 3 weeks. Yet she took off on a camping trip with this other guy and I have known for a while they have done stuff. So I’m confused as to what she thinking. She comes in late hours crying! I let her go to this other guy. If he makes her happy then so be it. But still she’s up late crying. It makes no sense at all to me. When I ask her to talk she shuts down, and says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

    • Joshua from Japan says:

      Man I wish I could be there for you… She actually comes back and lets me know she wants to win either way. She could flip a coin. You don’t seem like the jealous type… take care of you. As much as she wants you to stand up and be strong for her… you just need to cast your cares for yourself. Give her all the space to be with her… the enjoyment of the relationship may be ruined at her experience. But instead of investing in a terrible future, invest in your own happiness… maybe she’ll come around. Tough one brother!

    • Sympathetic from South Africa says:

      Joshua, Maybe she just wants you to pursue her? Fight for her, not give her away to another man just like that. Try to make her happy yourself? And not leave it up to another man who isn’t her husband? I don’t know, I might be wrong, but it just seems to me that she’s longing for you to be the man who woos her…

  12. Allie from United States says:

    My husband hasn’t spoken to me in 9 weeks. I have apologized for what I did (asked a question I should not have) and he berated me for close to an hour. If I ask him anything he will answer but turn his back on me. Also, if I go into a room he is in he leaves. Sometimes… i feel I can handle it then other times… I just wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

    • Mr B from United Kingdom says:

      I’m in the army. My wife resents the fact that I’m away for four days of the week and she has to juggle our four children. I enlisted after we had split up about four years ago. She keeps bringing up past issues and says that my job represents a rollover of all the past problems. Now she says she wants to slit up but wants me to keep coming home to the house and sharing the bed so that the kids don’t find out. But she won’t let me talk through our problems or seek counseling. I need some real advice because she is my soulmate and I don’t want to lose her.

      • Debbie Lora from United States says:

        I have been married 23 years, we have no children. Even before we got married my husband put his own wishes before our relationship; that should have been a red flag but…My husband works graveyard so we see very little of one another because I work during the day. I have tried to ask him to get on another shift so we could have a more normal life but he won’t.

        During his work week he rides a bike to work that’s 3 hrs. back and forth, and on his lunch break he runs around the parking lot.That seems so excessive, I try to talk to him about it but I just have to leave that alone. Well this week he arranged to be on vacation, there was some kind of cancer relay that he had signed up for. He ran all night long which is great; that’s fine.

        There are so many things that he has promised to do around the house and said he would get them done this week. Well I went to work and he was supposed to be working around here but instead decided to watch movies. This happens a lot – kinda like a teenager. Well I said how was the movie because he was trying to act like he had been working the whole time. I guess he didn’t like that because for the past 4 days he’s been in his bedroom and only comes out when either I leave or go to bed. Usually when he does this I go in and apologize and make amends but this time I am just leaving him in there.

        I have tried to get us into marriage counseling numerous times. In his opinion it is always too far or too expensive. Believe me I am not saying I am a perfect wife, I can be critical and selfish too, the difference between us is that I will take responsibility for my actions repent. My husband does not apologize, everything is my fault, it is because of me that all this is happening and that can’t be true. But I have believed this for along time.

        • Heidi from United States says:

          My husband was great when we started dating. Felt like we belonged together. Totally had me fooled. After 3 months of dating he asked me to move in with him. Instantly he changed into this angry, verbally and emotionally abusive person out of nowhere. I’d come home from work and he’d be sitting in the dark smoking cigarettes and drinking beer listening to depressing music. He withheld sex only maybe once a month having it. I wound up pregnant with my daughter. (I have a son from previous relationship also.)

          He was ok for couple months then the abuse started again. After I had my daughter he was violent towards me, trying to throw me down the stairs, kicked me, slapped me across the face, etc. He even pushed me and threw stuff at me a week after I had my pacemaker put in. The violence finally stopped but the verbal and emotional abuse continue.

          2 years ago I found out he had a 5 month affair with this disgusting female. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve always prided myself on my looks, always pleasant, attentive, clean, always worked and took care of house and kids. All these years of wanting attention and affection and love and he gives it to someone else?

          He literally cried his eyes out for a month and threatened suicide begging me back. I had already moved on but he was persistent so like a fool took him back. I got sucked in again and not even a month after he was back all the emotional and verbal abuse started again plus the added bonus of the pain from his affair. He hasn’t helped me get over it, in fact he makes it worse. It’s like he pretends it never happened. He has the attitude of how dare I not trust him. I just can’t take it anymore but right now leaving him is not an option. There’s so much more to the story but would be way too long. Just needed to vent as I have no one.

          • Debbie from United States says:

            I know how lonely one can feel in the midst of a huge trial. Keep your eyes on the LORD, he will keep you. He is keeping me. Sometimes I relly feel like I am going to loose my mind, but with good counselors and the help of our heavenly Father we will make it through.I will be praying that God will bring you in contact with people who will minister to you.

    • Joy from United States says:

      What question could warrant an hour long berating? He doesn’t sound like a good man or partner and I’d suggest evaluating his punishment for any “crime” he feels us necessary to discipline. A wife shouldn’t be punished but rather communicated with. Some guys feel like they have the right to treat their spouse like a naughty, annoying child. I ask you to call him out on this. Stand up for yourself and if it makes things worse, then maybe that’s the evaluation you need to get away from an emotionally abusive guy. No woman is a doormat or deserves his form of punishment.

  13. Kathy from United States says:

    I’ve been married for over 20 years. I recently told my husband that I’ve been unhappy for the last two years. His verbal abuse and lack communications as our lives got busy have caused a great emotional disconnect. We have children and we’ve always placed them first in our lives. Today I feel like my children come first. I feel like I’m staying with my spouse because of our children.

    I’m not attractive to my husband and that’s a huge problem because I’ve become rude and disrespectful to a man who can’t understand why I’m going through this. We’re now going through marriage counseling but I cannot seem to control my emotions in a point to LOVE my husband. I love my husband as a friend at this point and probably have for awhile. Can this be solved? Things have only gotten worst since I’ve now engaged in a conversation with another man. The other man listens and doesn’t judge or verbally abuse me. I have no emotions for this other man but he’s a wrench in me staying focus. I’m happy by happiest when I’m with children and not with my spouse. Is it time to leave?

  14. Tim from United States says:

    My wife can hold all her emotions inside and never need to talk about or think about them. She and I don’t communicate. I’m very open, I want my wife to miss me when we’re apart, and need me, so we can be there for each other. I need her to talk to me about what’s going on with her good or bad. I want her to lean on my shoulder and need her to be there for me.

    But for many years now we have not been a couple. If I tell her that our situation scares me because I don’t want to lose our marriage, she just stares at the TV. I have to make her angry before she’ll explode at me, and that’s not sharing. If I tell her that the worst part is when I tell her the way we’re living hurts me, she’ll let me get done talking, go to bed, and the next day it’s like we never talked. That’s what really pushes me over the edge, she knows what’s going on and that’s not just her, but both of us, and she still can go to work and watch her shows, play her iphone games, like nothing is wrong. I’m at my limit.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Tim, I’m so sorry to read of the emotional abandonment you’re feeling from your wife in this marriage. I have a suggestion that might help in some way. There is a book titled, How We Love written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich that I recommend you read. I believe it will be extremely insightful for you. I heard them speaking on a radio broadcast a while ago and it sounds like the story of their marriage mirrors yours in many ways.

      Please put the name Yerkovich into the search engine we provide and you’ll find several things you can view and read through, concerning their book and what they have learned that may help you. Many times our styles of approach in how we deal with communication can seem so confusing to the other, but when you gain some insights into why others, such as your wife, approaches matters the way they do, or she does, you may find it helpful. Hopefully, she will eventually participate with you in trying to build communication bridges.

      Also, Milan Yerkovich participates in the New Life Ministries radio program. Please go to the following web site and you’ll find info that can help you to listen sometimes. You may even consider calling into their program to present the problem you most want insight for, or perhaps listening to others on their program may help. Either way, I believe that what you are encountering with your wife, although extremely frustrating right now, has the possibility of changing in some way if you gain the insights you need to best know how to bridge your different styles. I pray you get the insights and practical help you need.

  15. Kelly from United Kingdom says:

    Men and Women can be just friends… My male friends wife has been going around our village saying that he and I are more than friends and has even been saying that I’m involved with my best friends husband. It’s got me really wound up, I’m furious. But now what’s worse, I think my husband believes her. Over the last few days, he has become very distant. He looks away when he kisses me, he shows no interest in anything anymore. He complains at every little thing. He is negative towards our three children (like he doesn’t want to be around them). I’m at my wits end. He makes me feel like I just don’t want to be in the house when he’s there. I’ve done nothing wrong to him, but I’m sure he doesn’t believe me. But he won’t talk about whatever is bothering him either.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      What I believe you’re saying here is that your friendship with your male friend is more important to you than your husband’s feelings over your friendship (not to mention his wife’s feelings over this). If it disturbs your husband –the man you vowed to honor and partner with, then that’s his problem… not yours, right? If that’s so, make sure you also understand that it can go both ways. Please be aware that you opened a door that can cause future problems. He may then justify picking up a friendship that he defines as “just friends” or a habit, even though you aren’t as keen on it. So what? You’d better adjust, just as you’re expecting him to adjust to your actions. The boundaries are down and what’s okay with one spouse better be okay with the other, because that’s the direction it’s going to go. Right?

      Why get married then if you’re going to do what you want to do anyway, regardless of the other partner’s feelings? You may as well have stayed single, if you aren’t both going to consider the other person’s feelings over certain matters. Please think about this and pray about it. It’s scary the direction your marriage is going in. I smell anger, bitterness, and the starting of contempt, which are destructive forces to come up within a relationship. They can escalate fast and cause major damage. NOW is the time to consider if you REALLY want to hold onto something or a “friend” that is causing that kind of problem in your marriage. Before you married, that’s one thing… but after you marry and this type of friendship isn’t setting well with your spouse… well, that’s another. I’m just pointing it out.

  16. Ken from says:

    My wife and I have been married for 22 years. Sex was always great. I’ve always been the one to initiate, and that’s been the basis of several arguements. It’s hard to feel loved when your best friend makes you do all the work (physically anyway). Recently, and this isn’t the first time, she shut me down physically. It usually starts with her denying me several days in a row, which leads me to not speaking. (I know it’s immature, but it’s all I have.) I feel she does, and always has, uses sex as a treat and a weapon. It’s been 3 weeks now, and the tension is getting worse by the day. I don’t get it. I’ve always told her that sex in marriage is part of the deal. I don’t feel like I’m asking for the moon, but this can’t go on.

    • Nicole from United States says:

      I would say you will have to bit the bullet, say you were wrong. Make a romantic gesture, create a romantic setting. Write her a love letter telling her all the things you love about her, including what she does behind closed doors. Tell her you like it when she… or if she would. The above will make her want to do more for you… maybe buy her something and have her try it on for you. If you want it, you’re probably going to need to take the first step… even if it’s a baby step, or walking behind her and just holding, kissing and whispering sweet thoughts in her ear.

    • David from Kenya says:

      Same issue here, problem is ours is only two years down the line. All the moves are met with “silly” little excuses and worse is we even might do a romantic dinner, and come home to “I am soo tired, can we sleep and do it tomorrow?” And more excuses that don’t make sense. I never want to take short cuts, but this is becoming a deal breaker.

  17. Nicole from United States says:

    My husband doesn’t use th term we… regardless if we did something together or not, when he talks to someone he is attracted to he says I… He is a flirt, and always leaving the door cracked for a possible opportunity and watching attractive women. I feel him shutting me out, we’ve only been married 2.4 years. He wants more space, in fact that is all he has talked about since we got married. He wants me to have my own life and stay out of his. :-( but that is not the life he sold me on…

    I feel panicked because he is so secretive. He is not up front about his interactions. He keeps me at an arm’s length and then wonders why I’m not happy. You can’t make me happy by buying me things. I just want to feel like I’m the only women in the world to him… I want him to be open, honest, and for him to be completely into me. Does everyone deserve that?
    I don’t trust my husband, and I don’t feel he is love with me or finds me attractive like he has said. He would like me to be thinner and to get implants… He has said I’m a middle girl not a super model and not a troll. I have sex appeal, but it never feels like it’s enough.

    He wants this grand experience in life, and he is so disappointed that life isn’t going as he planned or hoped financially and the blame all comes down on me. He thinks I’m negative even if we’re talking about cars. I’m not sure how someone can be negative talking about statistics of motorcycles… especially when it’s not an emotional conversation. I guess I have a lot going on. I’m not even sure what the root of the problem is anymore… Any advice?

  18. David from Kenya says:

    Okay, someone tell me, how weird is marriage? I am 30 years old with a 27 year old wife; barely two years after getting married, as a guy whose testosterone seems over of the roof, now painfully looks at ways to suppress it. I am an easy going and fun guy, believe to be romantic,”at least wife’s friends keep saying that.”

    Problem is, what started as a flamy relationship, now seems on a dying bed, due to dying romance. Yes we laugh, we spend time together, rarely fight,..but when it comes to sexual affairs,…its frustrating. Initially it was a free flow kind of romping, but later romantic gestures are met with giggles or thank yous that literally head no where. Most sexual moves fizzle out, with regular, “I need to pee” which later turns to “need to take care of this and that. A chocolate body smear met with, “I feel way sleepy, lets do this tomorrow” and so many other “friendly” excuses.

    Now we may go well over a month without sex, compared to just 6 months ago, which would be an everyday affair. Okay most times, is it normal for ladies to die this natural death or something’s not right. To note,..we are together most times as we have a common business that we are running together.

    • Joshua from Japan says:

      This is normal… my friend hang in there… the stronger the fire the faster the objects burn up. Trust me, slow fluffy flames are more romantic for about six to eight years. I was a virgin when I met my wife… she was very exploratory at the beginning. Though, that was a great first two years she grew out of the toys and such. We just enjoy each other now… You sound like you have a really good thing going. If you even question the state of your relationship, it is a good sign. You still have the desire to have and build a healthy relationship.

    • Daughter from United States says:

      Ask her what would make her feel more ‘in the mood.’ Read books to get ideas on how to get her in the mood. Don’t give up. Get her flowers, light candles, play music, ask her what is important to her.

  19. Deborah from United States says:

    My husband of 33 years left me, walked away from our long-term marriage, without a clue to me, that anything was wrong, except -he stopped all sexual contact with me for 6 months. I even slept on the couch for the entire time. I knew he was having a “mid-Life” crisis of sort, and he was 55 years old, hated his job as an assistant manager at a local department store, and I gave him the space to figure things out.

    But, looking back at my own actions, or lack of them, I should have said something to him, not yell, but find out why he was treating me so badly and stand-offish. My husband never had friends at all around him during our entire marriage, and is an introvert, while I’m an extrovert, very talkative, and outgoing. I just thought he wasn’t ready to share his thoughts or feelings with me, but again, looking back, I should have said something to him about how I was feeling –shut out.

    The book called Runaway Husbands, by Dr. Vicki Stark, whose own husband walked out of their 21 year marriage for another woman who was younger, interviewed over 400 women for her book on this subject of wife abandonment, and just like me, we were tossed out like we were garbage, trash, and know for sure, it was “him” and his issues, and nothing we did wrong. These types of people are the way they are, and have been all their lives, but we never saw it.

    The type of man I married at age 23 years old, is nothing like he is now, and as they say, hind-sight is always 20/20 because I stayed too long in this marriage to a man who has never disclosed his emotions or feelings, and can never apologize for his actions either. Now, just 1 year after my husband left me, I am healing from his emotional abuse, and know I will be fine.

  20. Jana from United States says:

    Please pray for my marriage. My spouse has started into an adulterous relationship and has emotionally shut me out completely to the point that he will hardly speak without yelling and getting mad about nothing. He is so hostile and has decided that this other person is the love of his life and wants a divorce. Please help me bring this matter before God and ask for softening and turning of his heart from her back to God and his family.

    • Joshua from Japan says:

      I’ll pray but as a man… As a Christian man I must say you must hold your foot down. You needn’t say a word to him or his significant other. The righteous indignation you have in your heart should be left undefiled by the good intentions you may have. Only talk to him if absolutely necessary, only if he is willing.

      On the flip side I will say this. Do the above but love works in bad times. As a matter of fact it shines the brightest in the darkest of hours. If he has any will to repent, you moving on with your life as if he has done you no wrong, will undoubtedly put hot coals on his head. Regardless if he changes his mind or not you need to live a happy life for yourself.

  21. Joshua from Japan says:

    My wife and I still have a quite of bit of passion and respect for one another. Lately we’ve been seeing counselors and things seem to be going right out in the open. However, there are constant suttle outbursts… I’m not one to argue so I just retreat for quiet time and revisit our life together with a clear head.

    It works. Space is still OK at times. Expecting good, routine stressors is healthy. Making room in my relationship for my spouse having bad days is the best move I could make. I cheer her on even if I believe we are the underdogs, and not doing so hot, because I’m a loyal fan of team us.

    Even with all of that she is very adamant about leaving me, almost like a star player leaves a team for the best. I just want her to see that we are still winners. She is still a winner. What do you do when your spouse loses respect for the flame that still burns?

  22. Daughter from United States says:

    I have read many, many, books and like to encourage others to learn about how to understand men and marriage problems, but one thing I will probably never be comfortable with is my husband acting distracted or sensing that something is wrong but of course he won’t ever tell me what it could be. I go from feeling like I’ve made so much progress to feeling like leaving, all within an hour. I have such a hard time being around my husband without taking medication for anxiety. If I don’t take the medicine I get dermatitis on my face from stress. It makes me want to leave or kill myself, which I am not planning on doing either. Grrrrr.

  23. Celestial from United Kingdom says:

    I can relate. Celebrating 7 year anniversary in 7 days! How ironic, when he threatens to leave. He’s packed up, said he’s leaving today. He’s still here. Perhaps he’s just doing it for the kids sake! I’m not going to beg him to stay, truth is, deep down, it kind of felt like a relief when he announced he’d depature! There has been no inifidelity in our marriage. This is over a silly altercation with loyalty to his friends & not prioritizing, the kids.

    I love him dearly, yes, there’s two sides to every story, but sometimes some men, just don’t want too grow up & embrace Fatherhood & responsibility. It goes beyond your paycheck. We need men of God to take up their rightful place as Prophet, Priest, & King in the homes.

    Lord, Help me to submit, even when I know I’m right, so that you can correct & heal my marriage. Yes, have my flaws too. Less talking for me, it always ends up in a heated argument, blameshifting. Need to focus on the kids development. God will see us through.

  24. Nami from Nigeria says:

    I sympathized with all, being lonely in a marriage is the worst feeling. I refuse to date because I felt I was saving myself for my husband. I met my husband; he is kind at heart. I am so lonely, from work he goes to meet friends, by the time he is back he is too tired to spend time with me and daughter. I have complained no avail, decided to give him his freedom, but he is becoming worse, I haven’t had a companion 2 years now. Even when we go on vacation, he leaves me and the baby to come back at midnight. He sees me cry alone but he doesn’t show any empathy. I don’t know what to do about it.

    • Laura from United States says:

      I can relate to almost all of your stories… Stayed with unloving, not affectionate, not supportive, rude, always angry husband for the sake of my daughter, who left for College this year. He does not even agree to divorce and will fight me all the way through the process.

  25. Joenika from United States says:

    Hello. My name is Joenika. I been married for two years but been dating my husband for six years. I’m scared; my marriage has failed. I feel it and he had said it a lot. I am in love with him even when he put us in bad situation I still try to hold on. I noticed a huge turn around on Halloween night. I feel emotionally abandoned. It hurts to hear him say if I don’t do certain things he’s going to pack up and move to Minnesota with his sister. That hurts because not once have I thought about leaving him, especially without him knowing. Plus, I should be the one to be ready to quit because I am the type of person who wants to please. God, it’s hard. I don’t know what to do and I need help with my marriage.

    • Mark from Australia says:

      What certain things is he saying you have to do? I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation. I have no where left to turn and feel I will die unhappy as my wife never changes, no matter how much we talk.

  26. Mark from Australia says:

    My wife is Japanese and I have often excused her behavior towards me as cultural but am now starting to think that it might not be so cultural. I am not sure… she shuts me out physically and emotionally and makes me make all the moves sexually or otherwise. She ignores me in favour of listening to the kids when I have started speaking first. I have read all the things that husbands should do to keep the marriage fresh but at the end of the day, if she says she loves me but there is no evidence physically or emotionally I feel really really down. I love her and the kids but I can’t go on feeling so alone.

  27. Damien from Australia says:

    We have been together since March 1995. We have had a lot of up and down matters to go through. Her family abandoning or seeking to use her when she became mentally ill amongst other issues. When all of her relatives made her homeless, she moved in with me which saw us be together no matter what.

    Since 2005, I have found myself become less able and mobile due to movement disorders and she became my career in 2010, a year after failed criminal proceedings against me based on a false accusation, which affected the whole family (four kids).

    My movement disorders has made sex impossible for me which saw my wife take it personally despite explaining it was my brain, not her causing the issue.

    She hardly talks to me now or listens and when I talk to her, I often hear the annoyed sound. She also will talk down to me in front of the children but she also expects me to hug her. She won’t clean or cook but makes the children do all of it and she’ll send our two teenager children out to shop instead of doing it herself.

    Despite being the only person who ever stood up for her, she will never stand by me when I need it and she gets grumpy if I criticise some behaviour from her relatives. As I’m on a disability pension and she’s on a career’s pension, moving out would make the essentials unaffordable for the children.

  28. Tiffany R. from United States says:

    Hello, I have been married for over 19 years and am so heart broken. Lately whenever my husband is talking to our daughter about something & I join the conversation, if I say something that he doesn’t like he will say, “be quiet; I’m not talking to you.” This really hurts because I feel like our daughter is siding with him. I cannot talk to him about any type of issue, because it will turn into an acttack on my character & not the subject. I have tried counseling, but he acts like a totally different person, like Dr. Jekel & Mr. Hyde. Please help!

  29. Abigal from United States says:

    My husband and I have been through a lot. We both come from dark, abusive childhoods and have both been homeless at points. He’s been in the army and seen combat so clearly we are both emotionaly damaged and often times our issues can be traced to PTSD and we work it out.

    We have been each other’s emotional support since we met and have had our ups ad downs and our downs and are probably worse than the average couple but we still work through them. We don’t let trouble sit ignored and wee have a very healthy relationship for the most part because of this good strong sense of comunication.

    I should also mention I know this is a Christian site but I hope you can be willing to be open minded for my lifestyle. We are pagan and polyamorous. And it works for us so jealously is rare but when it does happen we take care of it by being honest and communicating.

    The distance. We have been broke, like under the poverty line since we have been together. But he just came into to a large sum of money that he won from a online game. The game lasted a month long and because of the prize I let him be and didn’t bother him or ask him to spend time with me. Of course I was here when he wanted me and I had no problems with the arrangement, my approved long distance boyfriend kept me company during this time.

    But now the game is over. The prize is won. And all I want is to have his affection and attention, I want to have my husband and best friend back by my side. But he still won’t leave that computer. I’ve slept alone in my bed for the last 5 nights while he’s been in there playing his games. I’ve even politely asked him if he would be joining me last night (now it’s 6am) to bed and he said he had somthing he had to finish first. I went to bed hoping he’d join me eventually. Nope. Another night alone.

    I’ve asked him if he wanted to just cuddle with me before I fell asleep. No. Seemed to feel his game was more important at that time. We haven’t had any arguments and we both always communicate how we feel. Right now I’m at a loss. It feels like he got his money and no longer needs me and is just throwing me away. It hurts and I’ve been good to him I do not deserve this treatment.

    I treat him like a king. I cook him whatever he wants, I let him enjoy company of other women if he desires, I literally am willingly to be a servant bringing him, giving him anything he desires when he asks. All I’ve ever asked is to not feel alone. Is to be held, for my heart and my emotional wellbeing to be a priority that outranks any video game. But here sit in my room after waking alone. I just want a hug.. And I just want my husband back. I’m crying and he doesn’t even know.

  30. Sakura from Finland says:

    So, my husband just shuts me out of all relationship talk. Like if I want to talk about us, or just being romantic or anything, he either sarcastically responds, doesn’t take me seriously, or never talks. I’ve been with him for 8 years and have had our fair share of major fights; both of us doing very stupid things, that we have managed to get over, and work through them.

    I feel he resents me over the past. He isn’t really romantically evolved much, he will cuddle in bed at night, give me hugs and kisses on his terms, or when he is a good mood, (that is very rare). I am a very laid back person, though I do get emotional and cry a lot. I can’t really help that I am diagnosed with PDD, which he knows as he has manic depression.
    However, I feel I understand him on most levels due to my anxiety in which I also have.

    When we met, we talked all the time, and things were well to a point, unless he got angry over something, then he would shut down or take it out on me. I am a nice person so iI always let it slide and I try to give him a hug and tell him it’s okay. In most cases that angers him more, rather then calms him down.
    (I normally am not the cause of him being angry, he gets impatient and annoyed if he can’t cross the street in time for example)

    If he is in those moods, he becomes so annoyed and angry, he usually takes it out me, even if the day was just fine before. I feel as if he gets angry over little things too much of the time, while I have learned to tolerate and deal with his anger, I do try to give him space it still feels as if he needs it.

    EVERYTHING romantically is gone, he has said twice he wanted a divorce but then took it back later and said he really doesn’t want one, which confused me. I told him strait forward if he wants me gone, I will go back to live with my parents whenever. He never seems to REALLY want me to leave and it’s only brought up if he’s having a terrible angry argument with me, and the topic gets extremely heated. This is rare and only has it been brought up twice in 2 years. Regardless I make him angry, and I can’t calm him down even if I give him space or if I hug him, I can’t make him happy; nothing I ever do satisfies him. I always do things wrong, like scooping butter wrong; he’s so OCD if I scoop it the wrong way, I shouldn’t do it that way and I should do it his way.

    Romantically, we do have our romantic nights (you ladies and gentleman know what I mean) a few times a month, but otherwise it never happens; him making the first move is a never. It’s always me.

    I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’m going crazy but I love him and I don’t ever want to leave him. I do feel he does truly care but everything he is doing is driving me mad. He says he wants to be better about things, but never tries. Mind you I’m not saying, HUN YOU MUST DO THIS. I never do that. If he gets mad he apologizes on his own and says he shouldn’t of done that, and he wants to do better, on his own, without any input from me.

  31. Holly from United States says:

    I recently stopped wondering what I was doing wrong (everything if you’d eavesdrop on my husband) and began to try to figure out what was making HIM tick. I did lots of reading on narcissistic behavior and suddenly realized that him shutting me out (when he’s not busy being mad at me) is the worst form of abuse…as if I don’t if I’m not even good enough to acknowledge. It’s a very deep and subtle form of anger and I can’t fix him and I can’t fix this relationship all by myself. He steadfastly refuses to put forth any effort to heal this relationship.

    I know God didn’t put me here…I did… and I truly believe God is opening my eyes to exactly what I’m dealing with. I’ve remained quiet to keep the peace. I’ve been kind and good and generous and I’ve been ignored and belittled and screamed at and shut out and I suddenly realized I was trying to plug up the holes in a sinking ship. I patch one and three more appear. I highly recommend reading and re-reading “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons” on calmly and assertively standing up for ourselves without the drama.

    I’m working on healilng my SELF and I’m finally starting to feel better for the first time in a long time. I know God could not possibly want me to be sad and lonely all the time so if my getting better, intimidates him, it’s not my responsibility to placate him anymore. I’m monogamous. Don’t believe in divorce and I’ve stopped believing in this marriage so where do I go from here? God only knows.

    • Kim from United States says:

      Deep in your heart you know what to do. If you are not happy and the other person (man or woman) does not work on the relationship it will never get any better.

      You are worthy of good things, or intimacy or kindness. And if you don’t feel you are worth it the other person will not acknowledge your needs.

      Respect your partner but expect the same back. Childish behavior of not talking or acknowledging your feelings work well with their mommy but they have to realize that they grew up and act accordingly.

      Never take a hasty step but think about what would be best for you. So you can be your best for the one you love.

  32. Gloria from United States says:

    I’m 33 years old, and have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids together. I feel the only reason we’re together is because of the kids. 4 years ago my husband started sleeping in separate rooms. He won’t sleep in the same bed with me. In the course of the 11 years of marriage we’ve only lived together 8 or 9 years because we separated twice because of him being aggressive mean and violent.

    He now controls his anger and is no longer aggressive towards me because I pressed charges, and he knows he’ll go to jail. He isn’t violent anymore. But he’s withdrawn and doesn’t want to have sex with me. Like I said, we live in the same house but he won’t share the same room. I got him a Viagra strap on, and he still won’t even take the pills because he won’t even have sex with me, or sleep in the same room.

    • L. Davis from United States says:

      When controlling men think they’ve lost their control with that person they usually will disconnect. It’s all about them having control over you. Control is their driving force for the relationship. This comes from their upbringing and what was taught to them by their father. They think it’s normal (their role-job) to do so… Have read much on this type of person. Read: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Hope it helps you receive understanding.

  33. Heather from United States says:

    I try so hard to make him see how much I love him but he pushes me away. One day he says he loves me but actions say something different. He’s always kicking me out and so I’m so insecure that I’m always on the edge looking over my shoulder for a house to live in for me and my girls. It scares me. I really don’t even know if he really does love me cause he says he hates me more than he loves me. I need help.

  34. Kataleena from United Kingdom says:

    Hello, I’m in a very abusive and the most dysfunctional relationship. I have been married to my husband for over 8yrs and soon after our honeymoon period was over he became very cold and abusive towards me. He has a dependency to cannabis and I felt it may be that’s why he is so abusive initially. But then his whole family didn’t accept me from day one so he was easily influenced by what they thought even though he fought hard to get me to marry him and we both had trouble making our families accept our decision to get married. But I lnow why my family rejected the idea as they said he and his family are very abusive and in their mannerism too.

    My husband in recent years has now started to call me terrible names on a daily basis and he can go on and on for days giving me the silent treatment. After 2kids in 8yrs he still hasn’t made any changes rather I would say his behaviour has worsened over the last few years. He has assaulted me on many occasions and the most dirtiest of acts is him spitting in my face.

    I’m truly at the end of my tether and feel he is some evil and begrudging devil..he is a true Narcissist who is only out to destroy me as the person I am..or rather (I was). If we have a disagreement infront of the kids he will use the vilest profanity and tell me I am “fat & ugly.” But the truth is I’m not fat or ugly; I get alot of compliments from women/men saying im very attractive and that my husband is too lucky to have me. He knows this and still carries on violating me.

    He intentionally stays out all night as he knows it hurts me and will give me the silent treatment when at home. To hurt me further he says he can marry any woman and that he wants and feels disgusted by me. I ask him why he hates me so much, he just says he can’t stand me because I always ask him to sit with me and give me his time. But then he is my husband so isn’t it my right to have his love and attention? He has no empathy, if I’m lying in bed very ill he won’t even come into the room but I can hear him swearing telling my kids I’m a fat lazy good for nothing….

  35. Cortez from United States says:

    My wife doesn’t even talk to me anymore ever since she got pregnant. She txt me but never talks to me or even looks at me and doesn’t show me any affection. I feel like we are a million miles away from one another. I feel alone. I don’t know what to do. Every time I tell her she can talk to me she says awwwww, but she doesn’t tell me and I know something is going on, but she won’t tell me. I don’t know what to do; I really don’t. I’m lost on a mysterious island.

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