Marriage Missions International

Should You Tell Your Children About The Affair?

Image credit: psychology today.com

Image credit: psychology today.com

When it comes to whether you should tell your children about the affair, that’s a tough one! You really have to know your children, as to whether they could handle such information in a non-destructive way, and also if they are too young.

You need to be very prayerful and careful with whatever you decide to do. It could drastically change how they view the parent who had the affair and change how they interact with them in the future.

But it can also be a good thing to hear it from their parents rather than from someone else, which sometimes happens. These kinds of things have a way of shooting out of the darkness into the light. Your children, whether they are young or adult, may feel betrayed if they were never told from their parents and had to hear about it elsewhere.

Cindy Crosby, who wrote an article posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine gives the following advice:

“Children are your first priority here. Make sure you don’t injure them for life. Both of you need to sit down together with the child or the children, and both of you need to take responsibility for whatever you have contributed to the experience—not to the affair, necessarily, but for the tension that exists in the family environment.

“Does age impact this? If your children are under eight years old, they’ve already made up their own story. They are egocentric and will think they have caused the tension. If your children are teenagers, the kids probably already suspect the affair. Tell them the whole story: Dad had a girlfriend; Mom got involved with someone at work. Sharing the truth allows them to process the issue with Mom and Dad instead of guessing and keeps them from expending emotional energy checking on how well Mom and Dad are doing.

“That’s a lot of honesty. The issues for your kids are, ‘Will Mom and Dad make it? Will we stay together as a family?’ Do not lie. If you are not sure your marriage can be saved, tell them to pray; tell them you are seeing a counselor. Then, give lots and lots of touching and hugging and stroking and eye contact to your child. They need that reassurance.”

To read more of what Cindy writes in her article concerning infidelity, please click onto:

WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN… And What You Need to Know About Prevention and Recovery

We’d really like to hear from you as far as what you think. Have you been in this place yourself or do you know of someone who has? Please “Join the Discussion” below and tell us briefly what happened and whether you think it’s a good idea to tell your adult children about the affair. It could possibly help someone else who is faced with this dilemma.

Before doing so, we’d like you to read the articles we have posted below that might help you in some way in your own situation. Please click onto the web site links below to read:

Several of these articles come from a non-Christian web sites, but they have some good information to consider. Please pray first for guidance from the Lord and then click onto the web site links to read:

SHOULD I TELL MY CHILDREN ABOUT THEIR DAD’S AFFAIR?

HOW TO TELL YOUR KIDS

SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?

SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR ADULT CHILDREN ABOUT THE AFFAIR?

HOW DO AFFAIRS AFFECT CHILDREN? (Part 1)

HOW DO AFFAIRS AFFECT CHILDREN? (Part 2)

We’re hoping by praying first and then reading through the various articles, the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor, will guide you whether you should tell your children of the affair and if so, what you should tell them.

This article was written and compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

47 Responses to “Should You Tell Your Children About The Affair?”
  1. Laura says:

    (US)  Interesting thought…my husband is having an affair with my son’s classmate’s mother. My kids found out because all the kids at school knew about it and told them. It is not easy at 9 and 13, I guess adult children would fare better.

  2. Jeff says:

    (USA) I must disagree. Adult children like my own, are devastated by the news. They lose their faith in the person that they always thought they knew, but violated God’s commandment. My father had many affairs and even now after all these years my family only remembers what he did to my mother.

  3. Lauren says:

    (USA) I told my three teenage daughters. They knew we were having problems in our marriage. They thanked me for telling them the truth. Just as we were starting to heal, we discovered that my husband was still having the affair. Needless to say, we are at square one again. I just pray that their image of their father is repairable. My father had numerous affairs throughout 48 years of marriage to my Mother and he never admitted to them. I hold a bad image of my Dad for not accepting responsibility. My husband has now (after being caught twice) owned up to what he has done. Children need to be taught about forgiveness, but how much is too much?

  4. Cindy Wright says:

    Dear Lauren, My heart hurts for you and your children. Having lived through this myself when my dad betrayed my mom when I was a teenager, I can tell you (as you know) that the damage is so real for your precious daughters. Your husband will never be able to completely repair the damage he has done to their hearts and is doing to their hearts. And they will never look at him with the same innocence and the same respect they once had. He took that from them.

    But even worse would be if he continued living as someone who cheats. My dad eventually repented and worked on his relationship with my mom. Us “kids” have since forgiven him (and so did my mom, before she died). We now have a good relationship with him. But it has come about at a high cost. Oh, if we only realized how much damage is done when we live in deceit for momentary pleasures. The ripple effect goes on for all generations.

    You ask how much is too much when it comes to forgiveness? Never is the hurt so severe that forgiveness shouldn’t be applied. Even if the person doesn’t deserve it or ask for it. Forgiveness is not so much for the sake of the perpetrator, but for the person who is imprisoned by the pain of holding onto something that will poison their very being.

    We have a whole section on our web site on “Bitterness and Forgiveness.” Please read through it. I believe it will help you and your daughters, as well. You aren’t condoning the wrong actions of your husband by forgiving him. You are handing the “accounting” to God and letting Him handle it and you are removing from your being the poison of bitterness when you forgive.

    It will be a painful process to get to that place where you totally release it. But it’s worth the journey! My prayers and concern are with you and your family. I’m so sorry for your pain. I pray your husband finally “gets it” as far as how wrong he has committed and works to turn his life around.

  5. Jenn says:

    (US)  My question is, my fiance is divorced and has 2 kids, a girl 12, and a boy 8. Their mother was having an affair with a guy from work for over a year, my fiance st 7 mos. had no clue. Then he started to find little clues, then she finally told him. So to go on, his divorce is over 3 years ago.

    His daughter who is 12 this Saturday said to me that she blames the divorce on her dad and she is angry at him because he choose to divorce. She wanted to know the truth of what happened between her parents. I said I am not getting in the middle and that I know for a fact that it was not your dads fault (because the ex wife blames the dad). “Your mom” I said, “made the choice of what she did to end the marriage and that it is not my position to tell what happened.”

    So I told my fiance what went down and he wants to know if he should be honest and tell her since she wants to know? He doesn’t want her to bottle her feelings up like her mom does and that is the steps his daughter is following in. He is wanting to know if this is the right choice before she finds out from others when she is older. A lot of parents in our area know about what happened so does he tell her the truth before it’s too late??

  6. Tony says:

    (USA)  Yes, you should be honest with your children. Give age appropriate details. If someone broke their vows, say marriage is a vow where you promise before God to give yourself to your spouse and no others. Your mother decided to give herself to others instead of me, and my attempts to convince her to honor her vow failed as she continued to see other men in a romantic fashion. I believe I had no choice but to divorce her since she was making a mockery of the vows she took.

    At any time, she had the option to end those relationships and recommit to the marriage. She chose to continue and the marriage was ended.

    He should own filing for divorce, but be 100% transparent about his rationale and steps he took to save the marriage before arriving at that decision.

  7. Kim says:

    (USA)  My parents got divorced years and years ago, when I was a teenager. There had always been a rumor that he was having an affair with a co-worker. A few years after my parents divorce, this coworker wound up divorced from her husband as well, and lo and behold (according to what they told me at the time) they just decided to start dating. Right.

    I think parents should be up front, otherwise your children can easily draw the conclusion that you see them as stupid. For years and years they have kept up this story that they never had an affair. If I were to question them about it today, I’m sure even now they would deny it. But I have had everyone else and their uncle, cousin, dog and pet hamster tell me otherwise. I wonder when they will realize I am no longer “the youngest one in curls” and treat me like an adult (i.e….just stop lying and tell the truth).

  8. Linda says:

    (U.S.) We had to tell our adult children because I had a breakdown. My husband of 30 yrs had a 13 yr affair and when I found out we were trying to work this out. And after my break down we had to tell them why I had to be hospitalized. They handled it a lot better than I expected. They are supportive and have said that they will honor whatever I decide to do. They were upset of course, that I waited to have a breakdown before I confided in them. They have put no pressure on me to leave him or not. They are standing by both of us and of course, hope we can work this out.

    • Twish says:

      (USA)  I am at the point where I am shaky, I have not told him anything I know, but I am going to really “I dont know” what to do ..

  9. Artis says:

    (USA)  I am a 40 year old child that just found out that her father cheated, and has a 33 year old daughter to show for it. For all of those years relatives covered for him as he lived a double life, and took time away from me and my mom to go and sleep in another woman’s bed and stay in her house with another child. I’m over the initial shock and anger.

    I think that as a grown adult, my father should tell me why he cheated on me and my mom. I really feel like he cheated on me too. But my dad does not think that he needs to say anything more. He is not humble at all. He is mad that I met and talked with the girl who is supposed to be my sister. I’m not mad with her—she did not ask for this situation, and neither did I. She is filling in all of the “blanks” for me. And I tell my mom everything.

    The both of us have been in the dark for so long, the thought of me keeping that info from her made me sick, so I told her what I found out, because my dad really was not telling her anything. He had the nerve to get mad at me because of that. Well, I laughed at him and almost told him what he could go and kiss for me. He does not think that my mom needs to know any of that “stuff”, and I’m just getting in the middle of their marriage.

    Sorry, my dad has been manipulative enough!!! Manipulation is not love in my book!!! I want my mom to know everything so that she can make a well informed decision. I hope that my mom does leave him. Heck, she’ll be just fine—they can divide all of the material things. She can live in one house, and he in another. Or she can come and live with me if she wants to.

    I am just so sick of my dad still trying to tell lies, being manipulative and controlling of my mom. That’s what really stinks more than anything else. I don’t even call my father dad anymore—I now call him by his first name. In my mind, the person that I knew as my dad would never have done that to us.

  10. Becky says:

    (U.S.A.)  It’s better to tell them as soon as possible or else it will get worse.

  11. Sapphire says:

    (USA)  This is a question that I know I need answers with, but my situation is a bit different. Back in 2002, I started noticing more and more that my husband was not taking showers, not keeping himself clean. He has always been a rather sweaty person, but because he put on weight, he sweated more, and the odor that came from him was sickening. I would try to talk to him saying things like, “honey, lets take a shower together”, stuff that would not seem criticizing. He refused to, and that went on until finally I came out one day with telling him that I really miss you, but I cannot “be” with you if you don’t clean up. Well, he took that as criticizing, and I then noticed that he would go WEEKS without washing. He also started going online, printing out naked pictures of celebrity woman and wrestling “babes”. I found the pictures one day when I was cleaning; I got this nagging feeling that I should check his bottom drawer of his dresser, and their they were, plus, a prepaid cell phone.

    I confronted him about it (one or more of the sites had viruses which infected my computer and I ended up having to junk it), and he got very angry, telling me that he is a grown man and that he is paying the bills, and it felt like I was his mother looking over his shoulder at everything he did. I then asked him why did he have the prepaid phone, did he have an affair? At first he said no, but then he turned around and said that yes he did, with a woman who sold insurance to the city workers, (he is a retired cop).

    Well my feelings were crushed as I tried to figure out why he did it. Note this; I am not perfect, I do and have done my share of wrongs, but I repented and asked God for forgiveness of each offense and sin that I had perpetrated against others in my life. Anyway, after he told me who the woman allegedly was and where she lived, I insisted that he get an AIDS test done. He said there was no need to do that which puzzled me a lot.

    During that time my children were old enough to understand, and they both came into my bedroom when they heard me scream out after finding those pictures. Both of them asked me what happened and I told them. It was not hard to figure that out; the pictures were all on the bed of the naked women. My daughter was a teenager and my son was preteen. After my husband confessed to the alleged affair, I broke down into tears and depression sank down on me deeply, even the music director at the church I had attended said that he felt it. He prayed for me, but I was too far gone mentally and emotionally. I spoke again to my children and told them that daddy said he had an affair with another woman and that is why you see mom crying so much.

    My husband said he was sorry, and because I was so depressed he said that maybe I should go and “talk to someone that specializes in marital discord”, but he refused to go, saying that he did not need to, that he was not depressed, but he said that he would be glad to drive me to them. A couple of years later, I found evidence of another cell phone by way of the bill coming to address, and realized again that my husband was lying to me. This time he said that the cell phone was for use with when he was at work, which he claimed to have used it for the coworkers alone, but did not tell me. His brother knew he had it though. Apparently he purchased the cell phone around the time that I found the other prepaid one.

    A few weeks later, I got another strong feeling that something was not right with his story about the affair, so after seeking advice from a couple of my choir mates, I confronted him about it, and I told him he best tell the truth because I was going to file for divorce if he did not (I had already started taking steps in that direction anyway). He said “truth; I never had an affair with the woman I claimed to have, I made it all up because you told me that I needed to take a shower, so I stayed dirty and stinky on purpose to get back at you. I wanted you to think that if you did not want me regardless of how I smell and how disgusting I look, that there was someone out there who would.

    My husband, was driving me to those meetings for me to TRY to get over an affair that my husband never had, and when I did ask him why did he let me believe for so long that you had an affair, he says he does not know, but I knew; as long as I felt that there was someone else, he figured that I would continue with my marital “obligations”.

    My kids, now both grown up, daughter 20, son almost 17, would hear me crying late at night, and finally (also because they could hear my husband and I arguing) my son came to me and told me that he was old enough to hear what was going on, and asked me to please tell him what happened. I felt it better to tell them so I sat down with him first and let him know, and then my daughter. My daughter got angry, but for more reasons than that; I had her from a previous relationship, my husband is her step-father, and she already felt insecure about her biological dad abandoning her. My son however, kept his feelings to himself for a while, but later on he made it very clear to my husband that he did not like what he did to me. My son became closer to me, while my daughter accused me of trying to break her relationship with my husband up. She changed her tune after a while, realizing that I did not bring this on myself.

    Since all that has transpired, my relationship with my husband is strained. I have forgiven him, but I still remember the hurts, and still feel like he played me for a fool. I don’t trust him anymore; and I question everything that he does. The hurt that I feel from what he did is still in my heart and I don’t know if it will ever go away. There is no intimacy between us and has not been for about four years now, and even after all that took place, he still will not wash up; he will wait for about a week before he showers, and just being around him makes me sick, physically sick. Because we have adopted abandoned and neglected animals over the years, it is not that easy to just pick up and move on, plus I have no job, got several medical problems that derived from what took place between my husband and I, so I have no other place to live.

    I was horrified. I got played by my husband, and made to look like a fool. My body could take it no more, the depression sank back deeper than before, and I put on massive weight, all without eating. I barely ate so how could I get so heavy? Then because of the rapid weight gain, my ankles started swelling up, and my knees started hurting. My beautiful hair fell out, and I just did not want to go on.

    He was told that he needed counseling, he refused to go with me nor alone. Finally, one day he did go to see the shrink with me. When he got there, they let him know this; you are insecure about how you look, you don’t like yourself, you are jealous of your own wife because of how she looks and the attention she gets while on the flip side, no woman is looking at you and when you look in the mirror at yourself, the truth has turned you ugly on the inside about yourself which you then put on your wife by hurting her.

    The bottom line is this though; he is still bitter over the fact that I told our kids what happened, yesterday he made no bones about the fact that I should not have told them, that it was none of their business which I totally DISagree with, and he blames me for his relationship with his son being so distant. He was told by the shrink to stop placing blame on others when he needs to hold himself accountable for the things he did, but he is still angry and bitter.

    Me, I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand being in the same house with him, yet at this time I have no choice. I try to be civil, but arguments still do break out. I don’t know if anyone has every gone through what I have, but I could sure use some advice.

  12. Angie says:

    (US)  Hi. I need to know what to do. My husband had, in his own words, an affair with a coworker. I found out by seeing an email of his. He said there was some physical contact in a parking garage, but that that was all. However, he did feel close to her and for a day or two, his words, he thought about leaving me for her. He told me it ended when she asked if he would ever leave me and he said no. Is that a question a woman asks out of the blue? I feel he must of given her some reason to think he would.

    Anyway, she moved away, but he would email or call her during the five years after. I never knew about any of this. I was so hurt when I found out, but it does explain why he kept trying to make it seem that I was “always mad.” I just felt he was not really trying to be close or a real part of our life. He, I guess, was just really not committed to our marriage.

    After I found out, he says he is sorry. He is trying and has gone to AA meetings. I have forgiven him and I am working on forgiving the other woman, but I just have some “holes” in my life. I wish I knew the truth about our marriage then. I ask him and he still gets defensive. Sometimes I’m happy and then I feel very confused and unsure of my future with him. Am I wrong to want to fill in these “holes”

    I also feel so bad that there is another woman on this earth that has knowledge about a part of my husband’s life that I, his wife, does not have. It really does hurt a lot still, not all the time, but a lot. It has been a year and three months since I found out about his affair. I too, told my kids about this because it gutted me when I first found out and they needed to know what I was dealing with. My youngest was 15 and the others were grown and out of the house. You can’t get hit by a train and keep your kids from seeing your pain.

  13. Vicky says:

    (USA)  I have been married for 25 years and just found out my husband was having an affair and my heart is broken. But I forgive him because if I don’t forgive him I’m only making my life bitter. But how can I get my daughter and my two sons to forgive and let him in the house again? He came to see them today and asked them to forgive him for what he did. But by the time he opened his mouth they told him to leave the house. He was crying. That was the very first time I saw him cry. I don’t know what to do. Please, somebody help me.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Vicky, I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you are going through because of the infidelity your husband chose to bring into your marriage and home. Nothing tears at the heart of a spouse as much as being betrayed in this way. My heart truly cries with you.

      As for your “children” (I put this in quotation marks because I’m not sure if they are younger or older or a combination of both), you and your husband must recognize that they feel betrayed as well. Yes, the main betrayal is against you as your husband’s marriage partner, but your children also feel the pain. It’s good to keep that in consideration. Listen to their pain, don’t ignore their feelings, address them, and move forward as you feel you must, but with their feelings in consideration to the degree that you can.

      You ask how you can “get” your daughter and sons to forgive. That is not something you can do. That’s out of your hands. It’s only something you can model for them and pray for them that they will eventually find it within themselves to release the bitterness which will only make their lives more painful as well.

      Lets face it, they will never forget (nor will you). Their innocence and trust was ripped from them (and you) in all of this. Your husband cannot turn back the hands of time and erase that which he inflicted upon the family. The only thing he can do is make sure he protects your marriage in the future and works to build trust and relationship. It will be a slow and difficult process, but it CAN be done. I know. I lived through it with my 3 siblings because my dad did this same thing against my mom. It forever changed us but we had to work it through in whatever way we could. Eventually they reconciled and we grew closer as a family again.

      As for your sons and daughter “letting him in the house again” — while I GREATLY sympathize with them (having lived this scenario myself), my question is, who’s in charge here? Are they paying the rent or house payments and you and your husband are living with them, or is it the other way around? Yes, this is the home you provide for them, and yes, they are hurt by what is done, but no, they are not the ones who are to be in charge unless you are living with them. As painful as that might be, it’s reality. If they are of legal age to leave and they feel they must live elsewhere, then that might be best for them to work this out away from where you and your husband live. Who knows what the future might bring, if so?

      Again, I greatly sympathize. But the reality is that they will eventually leave home and probably find spouses of their own. But if you are able to find forgiveness in your heart and you and your husband are able to work to rebuild your marriage so it is healthy where faithfulness and trust is once again rebuilt WITH your children’s feelings in mind, then they have no right to block that from happening.

      Remember, they are young, and they won’t always approach hard situations with maturity. And this is big stuff. Even adults, such as yourselves, have a difficult time with this. Give them grace and love, but don’t stop the reconciliation process with you and your husband (despite your “children’s” confused and raw feelings) if that is where you are headed. Do the best you can to try to build bridges with your children (although you can’t force them to embrace it all) as you work through these issues. You have a lot to work through. I hope the articles on our web site and recommended resources and web site links will help you in this long journey. But please do not allow your children to take you both hostage for them to make the rules. You are the adults here; you need to make the wisest decisions you can for your marriage and then for your family. Eventually, prayerfully, they will understand. My hope and prayers are with you.

  14. Vicky says:

    (USA)  Thank you for your prayers cause I really need them. I was thinking of taking my life cause he really broke my heart. I was 15 years old when I got married with him and he was 20 years old. My kids don’t need me anymore. They are 23, 21, and 19. They can take care of themselves. They are really hard working kids.

    All my life it was was a type of hell. First, when I was 5 years old, my father left us and I haven’t seen him since. Then when I was 7 years old, I was sexually abused by my cousin. And I have to shut my mouth. I’m 39 years old. Every time I’m going to tell somebody they break my trust. I was going to tell my husband to see what happens. Thank you for your prayers.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Vicky, Please don’t allow someone else or any circumstances cause you to give up hope that you can see better days. Right now, you are in a dark tunnel, and giving up and entertaining the idea of killing yourself is obviously haunting you. I know how that can be, because I’ve been there. But those are thoughts straight from the pit of hell. They are powerful, but they lose their power as you look for blessings and apply the principles of Philippians 4:8-9. (I’ll have you look it up and pray over it.)

      It’s wonderful that your children are “hard working kids” and that they “can take care of themselves.” Praise God! You have much to be proud of. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. But of course, as your “job” as their mom changes where you are no longer needed to help them in the ways they needed while growing up, you have to find a new “normal” and find other things and people to invest your time in and with. If you can’t invest it with your husband (hopefully you can) in building new dreams together, then look for other ways. There are so many ministries and churches that need volunteer help. You could be a part of a bigger picture in helping others who need a helping hand and/or a listening ear.

      At 39, you have so many years ahead of you to help others and to bring a smile to the faces of those who are hurting (as well as your children — they will always need a mom, even if they don’t need a mother). As you minister to others, you will find yourself refreshed and renewed as well.

      It’s tragic that you had so many hurtful circumstances thrust upon you as you were growing up. I sympathize with you. I personally have known much of this pain myself. And I understand all too well, that most people can’t be trusted with that kind of information. You are right in being cautious.

      Years ago, I made the determination that with God’s help, I would not allow myself to hold onto a victim mindset. I don’t want to give those who hurt me that kind of power to keep hurting me as an adult. Instead of continuing to nurse it, I instead reverse it and make it my strength. I use what I learned in my past pain to help ease the pain of others. I know God smiles as I do. And nothing pleases me more than to shame the devil and please the Lord and bless others. It totally defeats the enemy of our faith. It turns tears into laughter.

      I hope you and your husband can somehow find ways to patch things up. 25 years is a lot of time to be together. He was all out wrong in betraying you. But I hope he is repentant and will strive to be faithful in the future and work with you to bless your lives together. Please direct your attention away from the hurt and ask God to show you how to turn your “mourning into laughter” as the Bible tells us. Ask Him to give you a new vision for how you can invest your energies into that which will bring joy, rather than hopelessness. You deserve better than that. Reach for it! Apply and keep applying the principles of Philippians 4:8-9. And may God bless you all the more as you do!

  15. Vicky says:

    (USA)  My husband had an affair. We talk but he says he needs time to think of what to do. I don’t understand why he needs time because I’m the one that was hurt. I asked him why he needs time. He says he doesn’t know what to do. That’s why I’m going to leave to go to Georgia for a while. He expects me to stay home while he goes out because he moved in with his mom. I told him to take his time but not to take too long because I don’t know how long I’m going to wait.

  16. Rose says:

    (USA)  I discovered my Dad’s infidelity as a teenager, but when my two teenage sisters and I discussed it, though we were a bit angry and resentful, we decided that it wasn’t our business. I won’t say I completely “got over” it, but I wasn’t terribly upset. By that age, we were old enough to see the world for what it was, imperfect. He’d been a good dad to us and his actions did not erase the love we’d received all of our lives. We were all adopted biological sisters so maybe we can appreciate a dad for what he does right instead of condemning him in a way that he would never do to us. I love and respect my parents for raising me and giving me so many opportunities and that is not conditional!

  17. Vicky says:

    (USA)  Hi! This year has been a bad year for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. First, my husband of 25 years was having an affair, and all his family knew about it. Then my young daughter got married. She is 17 years old. My husband moved out and wanted to live with the other woman for about a week. Then he came back home. He said he was sorry and said he loved me a lot.

    But when we were at home trying to work on our marriage the other woman kept calling his cell phone in the middle of the night. And then when the fights started again, he left and moved in with his mom. Then me and my kids were homeless cause the men we were buying the house from played us as fools. We were paying 506.83 dollars a month to him since 2004 with a 4,000 dollar down payment. It was owner financed. But he owed money to the bank and got the house. We lost everything. We did not have anywhere to live until an aunt and uncle of my husband’s offered for us to stay with them until we found a place to stay.

    But my husband did not care if we had a place to sleep or not, not even with his family. When he found out we were going to live with his aunt and uncle, he moved out of his mother’s house and wanted to live somewhere else cause his aunt and mom live next door to each other.

    So time went by, my husband got sick from too much drinking of beer and the first one there was me to take care of him cause I married him in the church and through God’s eyes. But I don’t know how to forgive him and to trust him again. I love him a lot even after all he did to me and the family.

    Is there really a God? I am losing faith in God. I don’t think there’s a God out there anymore. I feel sometimes the world would be better without me cause some days I just want to sleep all day. That way I don’t have to worry about anything anymore, just sleep and sleep. Please pray for me, cause I need to find God again!!!

    • Abhinav says:

      (AUSTRALIA)  Firstly Dear, I have suffered something similar and I can really feel for your children. I’m sending you and your children all the wishes, blessings and the ability to cross this crisis that has hit your family.

      I may be rude here, but this is for your good. Leave and never talk to that man again. Make sure your children are not in touch with him or else they will start adopting his ways.

      HOWEVER, it is really important for you to forgive him and move on. Your children must do that and understand why they must cut off all relations with him. Like the saying, a rotten leg should be cut off, because it affects the whole body.

      Secondly, I come from a Hindu Background so this may not apply to You depending on your faith. But I believe whether you are a Christian or anything else, God is one and we just give him different names.

      It’s like you may call a table something in English and something different in Spanish but its the same thing right? that is the same for god. So please don’t mind but I will talk through the eyes of a Hindu. however, do not lose trust in god.

      In our faith we have a saying, if god answers your prayers, he knows you are faithful. if he doesn’t answer for a while, then he is testing your faith, and if he doesn’t answer at all, then he has something better for you.

      In our faith, we believe in karma. This is what goes around, comes around as westerners put it. Look, your husbands karma is really bad. And after he dies, he will suffer so badly, therefore he will be punished by god for hurting god’s beloved children ( your family).

      Just keep faith in god, if you go to church, continue doing that, if you dont, still just believe in god. God will give him the biggest punishment that none of you can or have the right to give. If you want any more advice, just email me on gang_cool6@yahoo.com. I can give you some talking and also explain logics if you cannot understand what I’m talking about.

  18. Mark says:

    (AMERICA)  Hi there, My dad and mother were married for 20 years. Before they were married, my dad had a lot of girlfriends which was fine. But after marriage, he started to have different affairs. I was 9 when I first came to know about this (that time 4th affair after marriage). And then slowly, new women started to come into his life. If I count till I remember, he has had over 10 affairs ( I’m only 17), and each time my mother had forgiven him when she caught him. Can u believe it?

    Then about 5 years ago, he met this woman. That woman was a family friend and she and my dad had a secret relationship ( she is also a mother whose daughter is married). Her daughter supported her.

    Now I don’t have any evidences, but I know for sure that she has got my mother killed. I cannot take her to court because I do not have any evidence. Its been 2 and a half months since my mother was killed, and we moved to a different country ( now America from Canada). After 2 months of her passing, my dad has another affair with another woman.

    Where do I get the courage from to forgive him? Please help me. I miss my mother already. AND on top of that, my brother (20) and I (17) are not allowed to have any girlfriends and have to be home by 9 o clock.

    I’m not so weak that I would commit suicide but I’m so full of revenge right now. Though I’m trying to be mature, I cannot forgive him.

    And about the murder of my mother, that b**** hired someone to do it, because we saw a text on my mothers phone saying ” You will be dead in 24 hours” and she was killed the next morning, AND her phone was not there ( evidence removed).

    I know my dad didn’t want to KILL her, but he never loved her too. Even at her funeral, my dad was busy looking after the guests, than actually wishing her a good afterlife.

    PLEASE I NEED VERY GOOD ADVICE REGARDING THIS…I THINK I’M IN DEPRESSION RIGHT now.

    I’m so sad that I don’t even know what to do?

  19. Kay says:

    (USA)  My son had an affair. It lasted a few weeks or so. The affair produced a baby. He told his wife shortly after the affair and he has not had contact with this woman since, other than by a joint e-mail that he and his wife set up. My son’s wife has never left his side. They immediately went to therapy. They wanted to do a paternity test right away, but the other woman wouldn’t do it.

    My son and his wife have 2 children and another on the way. This happened a little over a year ago. My son was just served papers and will go to court to determine paternity. He is certain it is his child. They are most concerned about how to tell their 5 year old daughter. They have only been able to get through this by the grace of God. They are praying for the right words to tell their oldest daughter. They plan to support the child financially and also have her be a part of their lives. Does anyone have any advice?

  20. Jame says:

    (USA)  My wife have at the early stage of our 7years marriage with 3kids (2boys and a girl) confessed of cheating on our marriage with one of her ex-relationship which she never told me about and at the same time she’s been very secretive in all her dealings and even had some many other relationship she keeps because each time I bug into her email box I read a lot of illicit communication with both all her ex-relationship and new ones including her dirty relationships with her colleagues even most recently I saw some of her nude picture snapped via the web. I’m generally tired of the marriage and I’m thinking of walking out from it (Separation) she’s a constant liar of all time

  21. Bernadette says:

    (CANADA)  In my quest for answers for my heart breaking situation I came across this website and I am so thankful. I’ve been married for 16 yrs but have known my husband for 21 years. I have 2 girls from a previous relationship and 2 girls with my husband. When we got married I was not a believer until I got baptized in 2002. Three years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with his best friend’s wife and the end result is now two children from that volatile relationship (2 yrs old and 5 months; girls).

    I cannot begin to put into words the hurt and devastation that me and my children had to endure while his infidelity was going on. He abandoned his family and everything that was good in his life. I prayed daily and with a lot of guidance and support from my church family/pastor I managed to gain strength and encouragement to fight for God’s blessings in my marriage. I was constantly being told by my church that I was fighting a spiritual battle and to not look at the person but the evil force behind his action.

    I gave up a lot – My health suffered, my children suffered. When my husband had moments of clarity (and God was speaking to his heart) he would come home a broken man and tell me how much he wants his family and how he can’t seem to control his lust (I have no other word for this emotion as he claims he does not love her) for this person. For three years he went from me to her, each time the other kicked him out he reached out to the other one so essentially he was sleeping with two women during that span of time.

    So in January when he had no place to go and was living in his car for the umpteenth time, I reached out to him and asked him back into my life even though I did not want to but again, I wanted to please God and thought if I tried one more time then maybe God will bless us. Now, I am seeing a repeat of last year and my husband has now turned into that evil person again. I felt it was time that he told (at least) our 16 yr old about his other children so that she hears it directly from him and is able to deal with this information in a caring and supportive environment. Our older girls are adults (21 & 22) and then there is an 8 year old; although I felt it was time we had a conversation with our youngest as I know she has been witness to the stress in our family over the past 3 years and I’m sure she doesn’t know how to process all that has been happening.

    Anyway, when the time came to have that chat my husband flat out refused and said he was not ready to tell her even though his ex-mistress is taking him to court for child support for the two children AND our 16 year old knew about this even before finding out about the kids. I did the wrong thing and insisted that he tell her and he did but that’s when he told me that I made him do something that he didn’t want to do so we should end the relationship because he wants to live his life the way he wants and make his own decisions, period.

    Once again we’re exactly in the same spot we were in last year when he morphs into this uncaring evil person. We split, he goes back to his mistress, God speaks to him, he stalks me until I cave in and take him back and then we give our family false hope that we can overcome this evil thats been invading our lives. I just don’t know what to do anymore except I am taking this a step further and will cut all ties with him and proceed with the divorce. I just want to know how I can get God to forgive me for giving up and allowing Satan to win this battle. Please pray for me and my four girls.

  22. Mary says:

    (IRELAND)  My husband began an affair with a client who was here every day. It was on and off from April 2010 to Jan 2011. I knew from August 2010 but he kept it up. June this year he tried to get back with her and left me. She said no and he came back home. I have 3 kids 11, 10 and 8 and they were never told about the affair. We all knew this girl and I don’t want them to hate him.

    Worse still, we recently were in her company at a sporting event with the kids. It’s a mess. We live in a tiny village and everyone knows. I guess we need to agree on an approach if someone tells them. It’s very hard. He openly admits he would not be with me if she had taken him back. I come from a broken family and I don’t want my kids to live like I did but I kinda feel like a doormat.

  23. Sarah says:

    (USA)  Hello all – For the past year or so, I have suspected my husband of cheating with a woman he has befriended at my daughter’s school. I have often suspected him of cheating with other women throughout our marriage, but never had any proof.

    With this current woman, I have found that our call-log history (for our shared business line) shows her number mutiple times a day and for hours at a time. When I discovered this, I confronted my husband wanting to know who this person was. He would not share. I discovered her identity and asked why he was hiding it. He said that they were “just friends” and that he didn’t want me to over-react. He claimed that they just had so much in common and a lot to talk about. He would get angry at me if we spent more than 10 minutes on the phone together and always wanted to keep the conversation to business only (ie. kids, dinner, upcoming events, etc).

    Their conversations continued throughout the year and then became visits with the children. She is an at home mom and he works from home, so they spent the whole summer going to the pool, beach, etc. together all while both of their spouses worked (yes, she is also married).

    As the year progressed, there would be mysterious meetings that he needed to attend, nights he claimed to sleep over at a friends, etc. Once, I even spotted his car in the parking lot of a restaurant when he told me he would be somewhere else. I questioned him about it, but he said that he was just waiting there until his friend was ready. I’m positive that I saw “her” car drive down the street to meet him.

    I have questioned him repeatedly if he is having an affair with this woman, but he still claims that they are just friends. I recently asked if she was going through a divorce and he wanted to know why that mattered. Turns out that yes, in fact, she has asked for a divorce from her husband.

    Recently, I discovered a text from daughter to her father saying that she hates him because he is cheating on me with this woman and that she knows about it from the woman’s son and his friend. He of course did not respond to her text. She also doesn’t know that I read this text. My daughter has the weight of the world on her shoulders and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice out there?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Sarah, Please pray and then re-read what you wrote in your message here. What comes to light in all of this? If a female friend of yours wrote what you did, what would you think? Would you suspect that her husband is having an affair? And if you found out her daughter found something out in line with all of this, would you advise she keep quiet and allow even more of “the weight of the world” to stay upon her daughter’s young shoulders without her mom facing this truth with her?

      It’s one thing to be blurting out extra things that children don’t need to know about their father, but it’s another to let a daughter unload the facts, which this daughter has discovered, upon a parent who is willing to listen, acknowledge and care (even if it will bring out things the parent doesn’t want to know). Telling the daughter about the discovered text is not out of the realm of possibilities to reveal, in this case. Yes, the daughter may be angry, but this is an angry type of situation, which needs to be brought out into the light and dealt with.

      It’s like the saying goes, “you can’t work on what you don’t acknowledge.” You’re pretty sure you know the truth. And if you don’t, it would be good to pray that at the appropriate time, truth will be revealed –even though it will GREATLY change your life. Pray for strength to face that truth. And pray that your husband stops this secretive behavior. It’s a destructive precedence to allow this to continue EVEN IF he isn’t having an affair.

      There is no way to “over-react” to something if there’s nothing to react to, in the first place. If he keeps his “friendships” above board and in the light for his wife –his partner in marriage, to be a part of, then all is well and all will be well. They should not be going to the “pool, beach” or anywhere else together. And they should not be talking privately on the phone together. You know it; they know it, but they are doing it anyway. They are both married to different people and should act like it –protecting their integrity and also showing that they care more about the feelings of the other spouse’s –particularly you.

      If this woman is getting a divorce (which makes all of this situation even more problematic), then they need to back away all the more from each other. Right is right and this is not right –their secretive behavior is not right. If he won’t back off –that will tell you something about his priorities. It will tell you that he cares more about her feelings than yours. It will tell you that he is breaking marital partnership so he can act like a single man, and not someone who is married and intends to be faithful to his wife and daughter.

      Sarah, this is all horribly tough stuff! I’m so sorry to say this. But it’s better to open your eyes voluntarily and face the truth, rather than be broadsided with it. If you’re ok with this secretive behavior continuing, then continue and grow, it will. Again, I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

      • Sarah says:

        (USA)  Hi Cindy – Thank you so much for your insight. I think in my heart, I never wanted to admit that the affair was really happening. Watching the reaction from my daughter was devastating and made me open my eyes. I have since discussed the text with her and have learned that she was told about the affair in front of all of her friends at recess. I am so happy that I was able to talk to her about it. I continue to keep the lines of communication open with her.

        Unfortuately, the end result will be even more painful for all of us. After I confronted my husband about it (at first he continually denied it all and eventually admitted his affair), we have decided to divorce. It was also revealed that this instance was not his first nor second affair and he didn’t feel any guilt nor wrong-doing on his part. He feels that it was all justified since he was not happy with me.

        We have not told the children (age 11 and 13) yet of the plan to divorce. I realize that we need to have a unified story when we discuss this with them. My concern is how the discussion with go with my daughter. She obviously knows about the affair (it is discussed at school regularly and my husband is not very discrete). I believe she has told my son, but he does not want to believe his father would do this. My husband does not want any discussion about the affair (which I agree) in our discussion with this kids, but they both already know about it. How do we address their questions about the affair?

        My husband has already decided that he will move in with his mistress as soon as her divorce is final and expects that the children will spend his parenting time at his new home with her and her children. I have stated that this is not appropriate and would think that they need to have at least a one year transition period before spending the night at her house. Does anyone have any experience with this?

  24. Joe says:

    (USA)  I am in the final month of my divorce, which is ending without a big battle. My soon to be X wife filed for divorce 4 months ago. During this time she has been having an affair and lying about it to me and my 18 and 20 year old boys. In the beginning I tried to ignore the affair in disbelief and hoped we could reconcile. The 2 boys have an idea but do not want to talk about it. I have slipped a couple of times.

    As the divorce is inevitable, I am staying mum 1 more month as to not turn a crazed woman so she turns this into a financial battle (which she once threatened if I turned the kids against her). As much as I am trying to get rid of my anger, I still am waiting for the end to reveal everything I know/knew, which I am told I should not do but feel I have to release all of what has been held in.

    The bigger concern is what do I tell my 2 boys who will live with me (in between living at college). I have been suppressing the truth for so long. I feel it should come out but I am afraid it just brings them more pain??? I know that I should not do this to turn them against their mom… HELP!

    • Shelley says:

      (USA) My husband of 28 years, checked out and moved on March 2010 and with the encouragement of another woman in Oregon (he moved there for work). He had lost his job of 20 years and got offered a job there from friends reference. At this point he had pretty much ended it with me, without even telling me. During March – Jan of 2011 this woman in Oregon encouraged my husband to get on dating sites (married people shouldn’t be doing this!!) and to tell people at work and women he met or friended that we were separated. Of which we were not!!! I have 3 children (at the time 21, 17, 15).

      I get it when people grow apart. But to confide in the opposite sex about your marriage problems and have them encourage you to betray that marriage bond is despicable.

      I honestly have told my children everything. He not only cheated on his wife of 28 years, but he cheated and betrayed their trust. How? He chose to spend his off weekends with her or others instead of inviting them to visit him 3 hours away (living separate for work). He never asked his youngest son or me to the apartment during summer break or even to meet people he works with or knows. He has started a new life. My children have chosen to exclude him from theirs because of his exclusion of them. I have taught my children morals and values. You don’t sleep with a married person and if they tell you they are separated it doesn’t give you the right to sleep with them. They are after all STILL married.

      My kids have informed me that they will NEVER accept her in their lives and probably not even their father. Those are their choices. Just like I will never be social or respectful to either of them. Yes we are divorcing. I will take my life and move far away from him. The children have already said they will move with me when the time comes. They have not talked to and have even deleted him from facebook. One of my boys wants his cell number changed and asked me to never give it to him.

      Be honest with your boys; tell them everything. They are mature enough and what happened isn’t your fault. Pick up and move on for yourself. Never bring it up again with them and you will be surprised at how honorable they will be because you have taught them morals and values. Forgiveness and acceptance may never come. It doesn’t matter that she is their mother. She did the family wrong. But let them make their decisions. They will be happier for it. If they choose to communicate with them, that needs to be done in their own time. I hope you recover and be there for your children’s sake. Take care.

      • HDW says:

        (USA) By being honest with your children you provide an important learning lesson for them in their future marriages.

        • Shelley says:

          (USA) Thank you, HDW. Sometimes honesty hurts. In my opinion honesty is the best policy. My boys are hurt at what he has done to me and to them. An affair isn’t just about the couple. It is about time taken away from the children. My husband made a 180 turn and has excluded family from his new life. We have never met anyone from Dallas where he lives. I don’t even know his boss!!

          This woman he is with slept with a married man with young children. Even if we were separated, it doesn’t give him nor her to sleep together. He lied to me for 10 years. Why 10? He said back in 2011 that he has been unhappy for 10 years!!! Really? And why am I just now hearing this? He said he wrote it all down in his journal and that he knows I read them and knew how he felt. Wow, he couldn’t even talk to me.

          I have had many medical issues – hysterectomy, chicken pox, broken feet, depression, stress, anxiety, GERD along with family issues such as bullying, dui, financial, etc. All the while dealing with 2 bouts of unemployment!! But yet, here I am, still wanting us to be together. He is all I know after 35 years together. She had the nerve to tell me by email that she will continue to make him “happy” so he won’t stray again and that we need to be civil because she will be at weddings and graduations, etc. We aren’t even divorced. My boys refuse her and right now refuse him, too. If they ever accept him they will not accept her at any event they have, after all, she slept with their father who was and still is married to.

          He couldn’t be honest with me or his children or the rest of his family either. He said at one point too that our issues were none of his sisters’ or parents’ concern. BUT, they were everyone else’s up in Dallas and Lake Oswego. And what about me; isn’t it more my concern than theirs?

          Anyway, thanks for agreeing that honesty is the best policy. His boys need to be told they whole thing. They will have respect and gain morals and values in the end for their father as my boys will for me too. I am so glad I found this site to help me get these things out in the open.

  25. K.M. says:

    (USA)  I was happily married and serving on staff at a church in music ministry with a man that I believed God had placed in my life for life. My world was shattered when I was called into a meeting with our pastor and his wife. My husband had requested not to be there. He had confessed to the pastor that he had “homosexual thoughts” and feared that he might “act out” on them. The pastor had counseled him to be a faithful husband in spite of his feelings and to not give in to the workings of the enemy.

    We prayed and received counseling, but 3 years later I found out that he was in a relationship with a man from our church. It was devastating to say the least. He was removed from ministry and chose the other man. Then he came back and said that he wanted to be with our family. Our boys were 1 and 3 1/2 at the time. He would give anything to be with our family. We moved out of state back to our home state where he took a job at another church, but lied to me about having told them his situation. He said that they wanted to keep it private and for me never to discuss it, so I didn’t.

    Long story short, the man he was involved with moved to where we were and they continued in their relationship. I stayed in the marriage for eleven long years after the original time the issue had surfaced.

    In 2008, I could stand it no more. He moved the man into the apartment in our home and told me that he would be living there. I had no say in this matter. I told him I would not continue to “cover up” his sin and would be leaving the home. We told our boys together, then 12 and 15 that we were divorcing, but my husband told them it was because we could not work things out and there were many issues why we were divorcing.

    As the boys became older I answered their questions honestly and they now know that their father and the man that he lives with are gay. My younger son, 14 at the time of finding out ended up in the hospital because of devastating depression. My older son felt that I had been the cause of the separation and we were distanced in relationship.

    God has brought so much healing into our lives. I remarried in 2011 to a wonderful, loving Christian man. He has been a great role model to my boys. The boys are now older and able to understand things more clearly and completely. Their judgment is more mature and they have come to their own conclusions in some regards. They still spend time with their dad and I encourage them to love him, but not to condone the lifestyle he has chosen.

    I think that we should have told the boys the “basics” of why we were divorcing. It seems unfair that I had to take part of the “fault” for the disintegration of a marriage that I was committed to for many years when I didn’t feel it was my fault.

    I pray for God to give wisdom to anyone going through a situation that includes children. Never share things out of anger or in a demeaning way. Pray with and for your children each day. Know that God is faithful in all things and that He loves our children more than we ever could and He always has their best interests at heart.

  26. John says:

    (USA)  I am recently divorced after a 20 year marrige with 5 children. My ex wife had a 1 year emotional affair with an old highschool boyfriend and she was speaking with another old friend. I found out and tried to make it work for about 10 months and keep the family together. Needless to say it did not work out for us. She is planning on being with this man as he is moving to be with her. They have not seen each other in 22 years… crazy right?

    Since our divorce this man started using the social media to voice his opinions of me and how I am dealing with my ex wife. I have 2 older children over the age of 18 and do not want them to see these words online. My question is, should I sit them down and tell them what is going on before they see it for themselves? They do not know that there mom was unfaithful but I think they suspect something was up… I need some advice ASAP.

    • Li says:

      (CHINA)  John, I want tell you one thing which I feel is best in this world. “Say the truth whatever, how so ever it is.” Sooner or later all will understand and do what you think is right for you and what you have to do and if you are confused what you have to do, then the only way is speak out the truth as it is. Humans are a social animal and very smart but if you just the truth, it’s most smart and may damage a relationship and reputation for a while, but at the end you will see every thing will be fine. Go with truth ….

  27. Sandy says:

    (USA)  Recently suspicious of my husband, but no proof. On his new iphone he has listed a coworker with facetime on his favorites. He only has 4 favorites: car place, pizza place, home (landline), and this lady coworker. I am in his contacts, but not on favorites.

  28. Mary says:

    (USA)  I’m about to have major surgery & having fears of not making it through the surgery. My dilemma is whether to tell my adult children ages 35 & 32 about the affair that their father had 29 years ago while they were 3 & 6 years old. It has never been discussed in all of these years.

    My husband & I are still married, but ours has not been an ideal marriage. At the time of the affair, he sat both of the children down & told them that he no longer loved me & that he loved someone else. I think that my oldest probably remembers, just because he has an excellent memory & is very intelligent.

    My primary reason for thinking about telling them is because I know that I was not a good mother to them for many, many years afterwards & want them to know that their father was at least partially at fault. I guess I just want them to not blame me entirely for it. I was unable to cope & was not available to them emotionally. They had to know that something wasn’t right, but I don’t feel that I gave them the emotional support that they needed. I went through all of the motions, but barely remember a period of about 10 years after the affair.

    Also, I don’t want them finding out about it after I’m gone & having questions that I’m not around to answer. Both of our children have done well and don’t seem to be affected, but I still feel so much guilt.

  29. Li says:

    (CHINA)  it’s a messy relation between me and my wife. I feel that we never should have married because our love was never a healthy relationship, but from this relationship we have kids. Now, how do I face the situation after dragging the relations on for years? Do I choose to divorce or without getting a divorce fall into a relationship with another woman which gave a ray of hope for a happy life?

    Yeah, society has it’s own view, idea about what’s right. But can someone feel the pain if the wounds are on another’s body? Why do people like judges, lawyers and society decide for the faith of others even when they are not even a part of concern for the other persons life? They can not even know what is happening to the concerned person.

    I have one kid that’s just 3 and half years old and taken away by my wife and has even refused any access to me. The other child is 6 and half years old and is living with my parents. Do I can share this with my kids that we broke up and seprated and in another relationship? How and what is the proper time to explain this all to the kids?

  30. Penny says:

    (USA) I don’t know whether to tell my college age children that I found out their father was leading a double life cheating and lying with great expertise for three years. He portrayed himself to everyone his entire life as a person of high integrity and ethics–that was his trademark. We all believed it, especially me. Now I can honestly say that my husband is a pathological liar who has an ability to manipulate and twist the truth so masterfully that it is scary. He is incredibly selfish and immoral.

    If we divorce, which we probably will, I don’t want to have them carry this image of their father with them for the rest of their lives, since he is part of them. I don’t want to ruin their relationship with him or hurt them. However, I am worried that their father will lie to them about me, and I will end up playing the part of the bad person. He is so good at lying.

    I know that they are in a stage of their life where they don’t really want to know about their parents’ problems. Their father worked out of town and refused to move the children and me to his new city, because of this woman. He had lied and said that it was because his new job wasn’t secure, but after four years, he still works there. My daughter didn’t have her father for three years of high school, and she and I both suffered from his affair. Shouldn’t she know the truth??

    • Shelley says:

      (USA) Oh my gosh yes. You must sit them all down and tell them. Show them this post if it will help. They need to know the things he has done. He hasn’t just done them to you he did this to them and they deserve the truth. It’s going to hurt; they will cry, get angry, scream, etc. But they can’t be subjected to the multitude of lies that this person they call their father to keep doing to them. It will happen again and the lies will get bigger and bigger the more that he gets away with it.

      My husband has been lying to all of us for the past 10 years. Then the past two has been having an affair all in the meantime I am at the house taking care of everything. He lives in Dallas for work and would only come home every other weekend or whatever worked for him. Has been entertaining her using our mutual account, taking a vacation with her and denying it and not having the guts to tell them himself. I told them. They are disgusted with him and the double life (I didn’t look at it that way, thanks for this) he has been in for so long.

      He said he has been unhappy for 10 years and checked out in 2010 when he moved to Oregon for work. We had no idea he was considering this a separation and a free will for him to explore woman on dating sites and bars until he moved to Dallas and did the same thing and found someone and slept with her, all the time lying to her that we were separated (to me you don’t sleep with someone even separated, you are in my book legally married and it is adultery). But he did it anyway and she thought we were separated and it was ok to sleep with him. A separation, if we were, is a time to get counseling and therapy and try to work on your marriage not a time to explore other options. What a cop out!!

      So, sit them down, tell them everything you know and what your fears are. Leave him and get on with your life. Find a good family lawyer. You and the kids will be better off without the lies and deceit. Good luck and post what you do. I would love to hear the outcome as I have told my kids everything from the beginning and they are making their own decisions as to the future with him.

  31. Vicky says:

    (USA) I need help– my husband of 8 yrs. had an affair with this younger girl from work. It turns out after I caught them, she no longer wanted anything to do with him but she had become pregnant in the short time their affair took place. She sent me a text telling me that she didn’t need my husband for anything and that her baby was not going to have anything to do with us (me, and my two boys ages 6 and 4) and she went on to say that he will never see the baby.

    It just so happens that last week she was texting him demanding money and saying the kid still needs things and his arrival is soon approaching. I have no problem with the fact that he was going to do the paper work himself for child support once the kid was born, but now my dilemma is how do I mention it to my two boys that they are going to have a little brother from their dad’s affair? I don’t want to cause severe damage or harm to them by giving them the news. To them their dad is their hero and well, mommy is just plain old mommy. I need help… I’m very lost and confused. I forgave my husband for the sake of our children, but I must admit that I feel so lonely and sad over this whole situation.

    • Jennifer says:

      (AUSTRALIA) I was watching a documentry a few days ago where the facts were similar. However 9 years later, for whatever reason, a DNA test was done, proving the child did not in fact belong to the man who had had the affair. It would be only fair and reasonable for your husband to ask this woman to prove it were his, in my opinion.

      Assuming the baby is his, is your husband intending to have anything to do with this child other than financially? If not, I would hesitate in telling your children. If they have to see the child, and you are in someway going to include him in your family, then I suppose they would need to know.

      Have you thought about the fact that your husband will have to have on going communication with this woman? How will that occur? It should be all above board (on that you see all communications) and they should be kept to the bare minimum.

    • HDW says:

      (USA) Your husband must never see this child or his affair partner again if you want to recover your marriage. He also has poor boundaries around the opposite sex which lead to the affair. If you visit http://www.marriagebuilders.com there is a forum for “other child” that can address your case.

      But if you want to rebuild your marriage he must commit to no contact with them for life.

  32. Lina says:

    (UNITED) I have a four year old daughter with a man married for 20 yrs. He is 15 years older. We have been doing this for 6 years. We’ve had 2 kids; our son passed after birth. We now have my daughter who was conceived after. His wife is aware of this and continues with the marriage.

    I’ve recently moved from my home state to his. We live 30 min away. He sees his daughter between our work schedules. His wife does not trust us to communicate as do I, so we don’t leave messages. I never had a reason to respect marriage. I grew up in a community where I didn’t see a lot of married men but worked in a bar where lots of married men came to cheat. I talked to them, listened to their stories and became sympathetic to them. Here’s the thing, they never tell you about the good times, only the hard times. I moved to a small town 4 hours away. I had to I believe I wasn’t gonna make it to 40. I left my family because I needed to find my path in life. That’s where I met him. He gave me a feeling that I never knew I allowed myself to feel, which was a weakness where I was from. He told me about his marriage and I didn’t respect it. I didn’t know how to begin how. By the time I did it was way out of hand. We were in too deep.

    I’ve never loved anyone. I’ve never given so much to a relationship. I’ve never been with a married man. He became my best friend. We continued a long distance relationship. I was learning more about God because he was a Catholic man. He brought me closer to God than I’ve ever been. He talked about not being able to leave his wife. He talked about getting an annulment. He talked and talked and eventually we agreed his daughter needed him and so did I. I’ve been here for 8 months. It’s not easier; I begged him to tell his wife. From day one I knew he was full of guilt. I never wanted to hurt his family. he was my friend.

    First I wrote him a letter telling him it was over; I couldn’t watch him hurt and I didn’t want to cause his wife any pain. That’s not who I am. I got caught up in his fantasy of lies. I’ve spoken to his wife. 1 time she hurt my feelings so I said something to hurt her. I blame myself for all of this. I’m very sorry. I love this man with all my heart, not for any of the reasons mentioned in this note. Now we have a daughter and she has a step mom who doesn’t trust for good reasons. My daughter comes first. We’re trying.

    I have to watch them repair their marriage. It hurts so bad. It’s my fault for allowing myself to fall for a married man. God, forgive me.

  33. Angie from United States says:

    My story is a little different. My fiancé and I started our relationship three years ago. I found out he had a year long affair with an ex girlfriend. 8 months have passed and we’re trying to make things work. He had four kids from a previous marriage and I have two. We haven’t told the kids but I feel they are viewing me now as an invite phyco because, pretty much I am liking at his phone and questioning him more. I’m not sure if we should talk to the kids when they aren’t “our kids” together. Please help!

  34. Angie from United States says:

    My story is a little different. My fiancé and I started our relationship three years ago. I found out he had a year long affair with an ex girlfriend. 8 months have passed and we are trying to make things work. He had four kids from a previous marriage and I have two. We haven’t told the kids but I feel they are viewing me now as a phyco because, pretty much I am looking at his phone and questioning him more. I’m not sure if we should talk to the kids when they aren’t “our kids” together. I feel that it could help us get through this if everything is out in the open. I think it may teach our kids that people make mistakes, and it’s okay to forgive. Please help!

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