Over the past few years I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband’s secret sexual lives. This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout. It’s like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out. The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form. Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up. Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by. Up is down and down is up when sexual addiction invades your marriage.
Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”
Firsthand Experience with Sexual Addiction
I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others. Only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.
Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.
Disclosure Results
The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.
…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.
Confession and Questioning Sexual Addiction
When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.
You may cringe at this next statement. If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few. My husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective. It was also the real beginning of healing.
Pain from the Disclosure
Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.
My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.
Healing Can Start
I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal. But I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start. This is true for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.
Discovery is the First Step to Freedom
His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help—if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.
This article comes from the book, Hope After Betrayal: Hope After Betrayal: When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage written by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women. She also tells of the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations.
— ALSO —
Another article you might find helpful is written by Vicki Tiede, and is posted on the Family Life Today web site. Because Vicki had first-hand experience in dealing with the grief and subsequent choices she had to make because of her husband’s sexual addiction, you may find it helpful, because of your situation, to read:
• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE BREAKS YOUR HEART
Additionally, we recommend you read:
• WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S PORN ADDICTION?
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) Here you go Ladies… and other Christian families. This is one example of openness. This man wants to fulfill his wife. He seriously does not wish to deprive her. And he wants to know more of his wife… KNOW his wife. Ladies, is there a specific sexual fantasy or desire you really want but haven’t told your spouse about?
“We have been married 15 years. Wow, what a sex life even with three elementary to high school kids. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do to fulfill my wife’s every sexual desire and need. Over the past few weeks I’ve asked her if she wants anything different or desires something she isn’t getting. In times past this would be a simple ‘no.’ Lately it has changed to more of a shrug and ‘Oh, I don’t know.’ For the life of me I can’t get it out of her.”
Yes, our bodies are Holy and part of God. God is not perverted. Nothing in the bed is perverted. Or is the Bible just something we want to listen to, and we do not want to hear? God gave us things to see and things to hear. He gave all the fruits of knowledge. I am sure one of those was of lovemaking, passion and desire for his other half.
The reason many men go to even more sexual women is that they can express a free and a visual understanding. And some even marry these type of women, though that is not of God and they will suffer, yes. Though you married, you are there! You met your husbands, you loved your husbands, and you married with God’s good grace. You are God’s gift to a man.
It is in today’s society that marriages many spouses do not know each other. Society driven people are like robots. Our society expresses itself with porn, greed, need, materialistic objects, work, big houses, and money. Many woman I meet believe Christian marriage is death. The young people of the world run from any kind of religion. Is their religious views of God accurate or mostly a guide? We all need our personal relationship with God. Did not Christ teach us… as I understood, the ritualistic practice of just doing something, though not understanding, just cause people in the church started to do it? It said it is wrong. If all do it, it does not always mean it is right.
Did not the universal church (Catholic) not go through much growing pains… and changed very slow through growth? Did not Luther, say the Bible contains personal messages that God gives to us? Then did the Catholic church want to kill him? Did not the Protestants protest? We get and learn about God so much everyday. Does not Jesus say to search the scripture or we just robots? Not all churches are wrong. All play a part. Did not Jesus try to explain the church he came from, to them?
Woman, your children of the world are going to porn and atheistic ways in rebellion. They are losing the souls that God wants. Why? Because marriage requires a big job, a big house, a big car. You have to wait in today’s society, to be around 30 to being in a married life. No, even you married. To deprive, after all this careful planning, that you both went through and worked for, to make marriage the end? It is how the kids are looking at it.
It’s not worth it, many women say. They guard their hearts… choose to have sex and get what they can. Men become greedy to get as many women as they can… because one woman seems to be horrible to young men. This develops a me generation.
Marriage is to show the young people the way of something so fantastic, so wild and beautiful. It is for couples to walk together, holding hands, and the soul of them together is seen as a light, and trust is on their faces and they are feeling wow, they know each other really well. If we can do with our bodies… the best we honestly can, and stop being lazy, and looking just awful… with women going to schools and working in sweats and oversized shirts… then people say, Oh they are married. Or the rich are all dressed up and though Look at the faces..of stress..I pray for America. I am a soldier. Give me hope for a woman that will love someday me someday. I have no wife.
Not I, but Paul writes, I ask you to look at these words… read each word. This is a warning… Paul’s words as a disciple of Christ, “Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Read 1 Corinthians 7 slowly.
(USA) With all due respect sir, these comments would be better placed in a different forum. This one is dedicated to assisting women who have been (and continue to be) violated by the very husband to which Chapter 7 refers. It is my opinion, based on scripture, that the men described on these pages are not Godly husbands.
Paul writes in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands love your wives.” It is interesting to note that the original word was “agape”. This means, in essence that Paul is telling a husband to love his wife as Christ loves His church. The husband would then be called to give himself to her and for her, rather than be interested in what he receives from the marriage. Isn’t this what God did for us when he gave us His pure and blameless Son?
I do not argue that your point is incorrect, there are several pieces that I would say are based on solid biblical evidence; however, this is not the venue for such discussions. Perhaps you would be better suited posting in a pre-marital forum?
(USA) First, I would like to thank the ladies who have shown the courage to share their experiences. I am the man who has been struck with the realization that my actions have caused my wife to bear an enormous burden for an extremely long time. Seeing other victims’ accounts of their suffering makes me understand a little more what I have put my wife through. For that I am grateful.
I do not believe that my wife has any culpability in my adulterous behavior, though I often told her in times of argument that if she had done more here or there, I wouldn’t have wanted to turn to the websites I habitually visited. I justified my actions by convincing myself that because I was just looking at porn, not actually engaging in sexual acts with other women, I was not doing anything wrong. I didn’t spend any money so our personal finances were not affected negatively and thus my actions were not necessarily detrimental to the strength of our marriage.
As I enter into my recovery, I can more clearly see just how deeply I have hurt the woman I pledged to protect and honor to the exclusion of all others. As did some of the husbands mentioned above, I am sure. I cannot begin to comprehend how it feels for that type of sacred trust to be violated in such a way and I am deeply ashamed.
I pray that God will make His thoughts my thoughts and continue to mold me into what He wants me to be. I do not know if my marriage is salvageable at this moment in time. I pray that God will heal my wife and isolate our children from the inevitable difficulties that they will face in the coming years. I now pray that the women who shared their experiences above will be granted God’s healing and peace. I speak only for myself. I am sorry that you have been forced to endure such humiliation and suffering. I am sorry that I caused the most important person in my world to do the same.
Again, I truly appreciate the insight you have given me.
(UNITED STATES) Will, I just posted my story below. I know how you feel because I have failed in my promise to my wife, as well. She left me 2 days ago and I am scared that she will not return. I know this will be a couple months late but I am praying for you and your wife. Coming from a man who is in your exact situation I know you love your wife. Tell her every day and leave the rest to God.
(USA) I don’t know sir then, with all due respect, about what you are going through. My wife cheated on me..I’m on the other side. I am in similar pain these woman have…was a little more then a visual thing though, my wife’s mind went to other men.
I was to create a neutral ground. Yf it sounds like I defended your actions, it is not true; it is possible that some of this may lead to divorce. So, in that case would be pre-marital form. I understand you feel a need to apologize to all these woman. I am sure if they were here many would be looking at you differently.
I was talking to women not the men. I work with woman. Always asking a mans view for maybe a possible true reconciliation. If it is the man doing the offense is he really a true believer of God? If it is the men they speak of are not Godly, what you suggest they do? Divorce? Sir, I feel you should be in a different blog..They have been hurt. I say in a nice way..I’m not judging you.
(USA) I have been married for almost 20 yrs. I’ll get straight to the point. Last year, I caught my husband writing a letter to a Russian woman; from a Russian dating site. It was a romantic letter. It nearly killed me. He said he got caught up in the fantasy and he originally thought it was a girl he met in Russia many years ago. He said he was trying to escape the hard times we were going through. Homeless living in a car. Then we moved on.
Long story short. He is now getting letters from other Russian women, all dating sites, and says he isn’t responding and that he isn’t a member of the sites any more. I found two that he is. He says he isn’t interested in a relationship with them, it’s all a mind game. He is just curious to know who they are and what they look like. The letters are not sexual but on his profile he says he is looking for someone to share his interest and be a part of his life.
Outside of this, we have a good relationship, loving and flirtatious. The intimate times are limited cause we are never alone. Not sure what to do. I still love him. Any advice?
(USA) My husband of 12 years had an off and on problem with porn dvds and phone sex. But I didn’t know that was barely the tip of the iceberg. I found out he was looking up porn on the internet and then found out his phone sex addiction was seriously out of control. That was bad enough, but I later found out he had a regular secret sex life our whole marriage.
I found out that shortly after we were married, he began picking up street walkers to ‘watch’ and sometimes help him orgasm. He went to strip clubs, massage parlors, and sat in various areas masturbating and when a woman walked by he would show her what he was doing. He drove down the road doing it and showing women. He would open magazines to sex photos, reveal himself and drive through fast food restaurant drive-thrus so the girls could see. He went to intimate apparel shops, put on women’s lingerie and masturbated and when he peeked out to see a woman going into a dressing room, he would open the door to show her what he was doing while wearing the lingerie and expose himself to her. He began meeting prostitutes at hotels and then had unprotected sex. He admitted in a therapy session he did all of this regularly during our whole marriage.
I tried to work things out, but he became angrier toward me and did not treat me kind. It seemed the more I knew the worse he treated me. It was as it he wanted me to just forgive and forget but he was unwilling to stand by me while I tried to heal from the pain. The first time he admitted he had sex with a prostitute I reacted by getting drunk, which was not the right choice but it was so painful I just didn’t deal with it like I should have. Instead of taking care of me, he video taped me and his dull cold voice narrated the video saying, ‘I guess I can’t blame her. She’s drunk!’ and no time did he say why I was drinking. Later, when I passed out, he got my laptop and looked through my emails to see if he could find emails to see if I said anything negative about him to our family.
Long story short, after the disclosure his anger and cruel ways toward me kept getting worse. I went to stay with family for a week and he refused to answer my calls until I called his mother and asked her to ask him to call me. Shortly after that, he went to visit his friend instead of coming home to me when I asked him to. I realized his actions were not that of a repentant husband who made mistakes but wanted to be married to me, so I left him.
When he got home and found me gone, (at the time we shared a phone account) I logged on to our cellphone account and saw he was calling old girlfriends and never once did he call me to ask where I was or how I was. I am trying to learn to love myself, since I didn’t feel loved by him. He always said he loved me deeply, but I couldn’t get him to understand his actions were more telling than his words.
I left in July, and he doesn’t talk to me at all. He cut off all communication and last I heard had a woman and child at our home. I have filed for divorce, and he had requested the divorce not be granted. I don’t understand that at all, unless it is just to hurt me. I am trying to heal, but the pain is so great. I wanted him. I love him, but his actions clearly show he didn’t and doesn’t want me. His sex addiction is scary. I’ve been tested twice and will again to be sure.
It is as though I woke to a nightmare. One day I thought we had a pretty good marriage, though my husband liked porn and phone sex, but finding out he had never been faithful and had a secret life our whole marriage is shocking and has shredded any self-esteem I had. I keep praying, but as much as I wish I could be with him and this all was a bad dream, I know it is real and I have to find a way to heal and let go of what can never be…. a life with him. I want to stop hurting.
(INDONESIA) Halooo… I am actually a 24 years old male who is just curious about marriage because my girlfriend is asking me to marry her. But I’m still not sure about committing to marriage after all of what I’ve read about how people went into unwanted things in that kind of commitment.
Well, I don’t really know how to put this the right way. All that I’m curious about is, I’m wondering if you females here, who are hurt because of your husband’s addiction to sex, actually serve your husband in the best way a wife can give to their husbands? I’m not at all trying to be rude here. I’m just trying to get things clear. Because for myself, I’m just a young 24 year old male who is observing/researching about the life of marriage first before I have to live in that kind of “place”.
Lately, my girlfriend somehow reduces the way she satisfies me sexually. And this really drives me crazy. This makes me turn to porn and masturbation. And because I turn to porn and start to look for another place to fulfill my needs, I actually feel a little ashamed of myself. And I don’t like that.
To put it briefly, I was just wondering, for those of you who think that your husband is a sex addict, are they really that addicted, even when you try your best to satisfy him (giving everything you have available to give him for his sexually needs), or does the sex addiction happened because you didn’t work hard to fulfill his needs?
I’m really 100% not trying to be rude here. All I wanted was some kind of knowledge on the question above, because I find it very helpful reading all that is written by those who have had a long marriage life. This is a life that I will be attending to sooner or later. And I just want to learn.
Thanks in advance and sorry if there are anything I wrote that sounds wrong. Best regards
(USA) You are not ready for marriage until you are ready to take responsibility for your actions. No one makes you turn to porn. You may feel unsatisfied but when you do, when you feel that way, is entirely on you. Furthermore, this is a forum for Believers and you are obviously unrepentant of your sexual imoorality given you see no wrong in sleeping with a woman you are not married to, watching porn, etc.
(USA) Melanie, while you are right, you must admit that by him asking questions, and admitting that he felt ashamed for looking at porn he is moving in the right direction.
Now Stefan, how long have you been with this girl, and why are you so scared to fully commit to her? Her pulling back sexually is quite possibly due to her feeling your fear of commitment. If you love her then make it your role in life to try to please her in every way that you are able to. Especially by marrying her. Don’t assume that these women didn’t try to please their husbands. It is far more likely that their husbands had an addiction to sex, and porn long before they even met, going back to as the cliche says, they found their dad’s Playboy mags.
I have been married to my wife since we were 16 years old, and last weekend we celebrated our 14th anniversary. We were 13 when we first met, and became intimate, and at 15 I joined track, and field to lose weight for her. During this time she watched my little brothers, and when I got home my parents sent her home. Well unfortunately instead of going home she went, and hung out with friends. A couple of times these were guy friends that she thought she could trust, but they forced themselves on her, and w/ the fact that she had been abused as a little girl she froze, and felt she had no choice. After she told me about these two times I told her that if it happened again we were through, and that she should never have gone with them to begin with. She told me she would just hang out with her girl friends, and not the guys, and that it wouldn’t have happened if my parents weren’t sending her home as soon as I got home. So I talked my parents into letting her stay longer, and I started walking her home, and we mended our relationship.
One night while I was walking her home we were talking, and I said something to the effect of “I know we’re too young to really get married, but we sin every time we have sex,” she responded “I know, but we love each other, and that is part of how we show our love.” So I asked her if she wanted to get married right there just between us, and God. So we said the marriage vows right there out in the woods just between us, and God. It was that summer when she told me of her abuse, and that fall after football we found that we were going to be parents. 5 months after our son was born we got legally married on New Years Day in 1998 at 16 years old. So if at 16 years old my wife, and I were brave enough, and in love enough to commit our lives to each other, then at 24 (by which time we had 2 kids, and had bought a house while still graduating from high school at 18, and 19) you should be courageous enough to commit to your girl friend.
Has our life together been easy? No. Due to having our son at such a young age many of my personal plans died. So yes having sex before we were legally married did negatively affect us, but here we are 17, and a half years after we first met, and I still lose myself in her eyes every time our eyes meet. Sex doesn’t get more boring after you get married unless you let it. And don’t make the mistake we made, and allow your lives to just be work, kids, and occasional sex. When you have kids make sure you have a friend you can trust to watch them, or have your parents watch them for you from time to time to get out with your wife. Married couples still need to have that time alone to act like kids from time to time. We’re doing that more now, and we are really benefiting from it.
You need to sit down with your girlfriend, and really talk about your futures, and everything about your pasts being COMPLETELY open, and honest. If you love her then go for it ask her to marry you, but not just so that you can have sex w/o sinning, but because you love her, and want to spend the rest of your life with her, and don’t let ANYTHING interfere with your marriage. Not pornography, or other women. Turn to your wife rather than other things.
(CANADA) If you turn to porn now – more than likely you will when you are married to this girl. At least tell her about this now. I’m 26 and my husband and I had sex about 2-4 times a week during the year he was doing porn behind my back. This was ‘the best’ year we had –and he still had this issue inside himself… it had nothing to do with our sex. He says it, as well, and I know he means it. We were both virgins when we married… and he’d never seeked out porn before. (So it wasn’t a reoccurrence.)
(NIGERIA) Well, my little contribution is that much of what we Christians suffer is borne out of ignorance, just like the Bible says, my people perish for lack of knowledge. But not the knowledge of this world. As a wife, there are some things about your husband you don’t need to know. Why? Because knowledge is infectious. Just like the Bible says, go to the market buy without asking questions, for conscience sake.
Your husband needs to make his confession to God and repent and not to you. Your own part is to always make your husband realise that if there is doing anything wrong, he should repent because if you get to know later, the outcome could be bad.
All I need to know is whether the lady I want to marry is a virgin or not, not the level of immorality she has committed. Close your mind to what has happened and let your husband know that his relationship with God is most important: If your husband loves God He will love you.
(UNITED STATES) Both my future husband and I definitely agree with pornographic addictions being a sin and those people who are caught up in it need help emotionally. We were both brought up in religious backgrounds. We are both virgins and we believe in waiting til marriage. We are a very open couple and do discuss sex.
He recently told me that he wants me to take over as the dominant roll after we are married. He wants me to be the dominant and him to be submissive. I was not freaked out because he was able to communicate with me on how it will benefit me. He likes to say how he will be a ‘housewife’ doing all the cooking, cleaning, daily household chores. I will take the role of the head of household and giving punishments when required.
There is nothing attached to his feelings about this. He didn’t even know if something like this would be possible. We both know marriage is not going to be a cake walk. But we do see a problem in todays marriages. FEAR OF COMMUNICATION.
Here is my problem. Many men are only trying to find a good way reach out. It’s sad that the one person they should be able to confide in many times pushes them away. If your husband tells you something like what I have written just listen without judgement. Ask questions, listen, and be respectful. You both took a vow and if you truly love this person then you will be supportive. I am in no way condoning actions of those with very serious sexual addictions.
(USA) Please wait until after you have been married before you find yourself qualified to give marital advice. When you are dating -even engaged – you have not yet experienced the challenges of marriage, how Satan attacks, and how communication can get crossed in between bills and babies, so to speak.
My husband and I shared EVERYTHING about ourselves before we got married, and then the stakes and realities changed once we said “I do.” You think you know it all, but only GOD can protect your marriage if you will follow Jesus Christ. You’d be better off to focus on prayer than “communication,” though being able to talk to your spouse is important.
(USA) Melanie again to an extent you are right, but don’t be too quick to pass judgement. Dee never even stated how long they had been together. Though she, and her future husband aren’t married it is likely they have discussed marriage for quite some time. You are right though communication, and romance definitely gets lost between bills, and babies as you put it. However if you have your parents, or a close friend watch the kids from time to time you can keep the communication, and the romance going. We had let ours lapse some, but we are definitely getting it back now.
Now Dee I don’t know you, or your fiance’s employment status right now, but it sounds like you’re the one who’s going to be the major bread winner. At first he might be ok with this, but after a while he’ll most likely change his mind. I’m not saying that a wife should be home “barefoot, and pregnant”, but when you do become pregnant, and are out on leave there’s still going to need to be money coming in to pay for the bills going out. Make sure you plan for that. In our marriage my wife, and I are 100% equal. We actually recently began to work at the same place in the same department, and make the same money. We’ve always taken turns making dinners, and share all of the house hold cleaning. Maybe that is one of the reasons why we’re still together after 14 years of marriage.
(USA) Melanie, Your comments seem very condescending. Stefan was searching for some Godly advice but who are we to tell him what his heart is like for God. He may be broken and searching but so are we even though we consider ourselves “Christ Followers” it isnt our job to tell him his heart but to embrace him and lovingly tell him his ways are destructive as this isnt passing judgment God has called us to do this and he also called it wrong, but search your own heart before you lash out. It turns people off from Jesus when we do things like that.
Your comment exactly, “You are not ready for marriage until you are ready to take responsibility for your actions. No one makes you turn to porn. You may feel unsatisfied but when you do, when you feel that way, is entirely on you. Furthermore, this is a forum for Believers and you are obviously unrepentant of your sexual imoorality given you see no wrong in sleeping with a woman you are not married to, watching porn, etc.” This site is not only for believers but for people searching as well. Please be careful how you come across. Pray before you speak, would Jesus say it that way? How would he say it and what would he say? Now with that being said we all struggle with this but we all also struggle with being a sinner. Who are you to tell him he is unrepentant he said he knew it was wrong.
Furthermore, I have only been married a year and we havent particulary hit a “low” if you will so am I not allowed to comment either? I believe God gives us all messages to share, single, married or divorced we can all offer insight to an issue.
I believe you are a loving woman of God, but just an observation of both of your comments coming off a bit harsh. Not that it is a bad thing to be straight forward but in a loving manner. I believe us Christians do have to take a stand but we also have no right to tell anyone their level of repentance is little to none. Leave that to be between God and them and/or you.
Stefan, I am not sure what you have decided to do but I pray that you continue to seek the right direction. I agree with Dennis that your girlfriend may be pulling away because she feels emotionally disconnected from you. There is no promise of commitment and she could feel more like an object rather than a valued treasure and a daughter of Christ. If you are feeling unsatisfied then communication needs to open up. However, this is one reason why God calls this sexual immorality. You are not married to this woman therefore you are not “One” with her. She is God’s special child as are you and neither of you have rights to each others bodies until you do make that commitment. Please seek wise counsel and also contemplate quitting the sexual relationship between the two of you until you do take the next step of marriage but make sure this is what God wants for you first. DO not jump into anything based on hormones. God Bless, Megan
(USA) I suffer from a sexual addiction and it has ruined my life. I have been masturbating every day for as long as I can remember. I stopped doing it as often when I got to college and met my current (and hopefully forever) wife. I continued to hide my addiction throughout our marriage. In our third year she made a move for professional reasons. I had to stay behind for three months.
In this time my addiction got worse due to the absence of a “guard”. I became intimate with a close friend in this time. I continued the relationship off and on for the last three years over the internet. I finally broke it off 4 months ago when my wife found some e-mails I had sent her. I however, lied about the relationship and made it sound like there was no sex and it was quite short.
Two days ago however, I told my wife everything. I did have sex with her. I had this cyber relationship since I had moved down. She left the house and I have not seen her since. I know she is devastated by this and she should be. I am in counseling and getting on medication. I have come completely clean but this does nothing for her hurt. I write this for 2 reasons, 1. for anyone who reads this, please pray for our marriage I love her so much. 2. I want to let any ladies out there that your spouse really does love you. I know you feel like no one can Love me and still do this.
As horrible as it sounds, you are not on his mind. Our brains need to have that chemical and medicating with masturbation is typically the best way to get it. We do not come to you for sex because we are ashamed of what we “are”. We respect you to much to ask such an animalistic act. The things I was drawn most to when I looked at porn I would never ask my wife to do. We keep these secrets for several reasons. We are of course ashamed of them, but we are sure you will turn and run when you hear of what we are. I know I think the world of my wife, I try to show her every day but what I should have done is tell the truth.
Most men with this addiction are able to separate our lives. My wife wonders how I could have layed next to her the last three years and know what I had done. I can honestly say I put it right next to the porn, it not a real thing. I am not stupid, it was real. But that is how men with this addiction do it.
I know I am a failure and most men with this addiction do. We feel worthless. There is no way for me to explain it that does not sound crazy, but I hope that if any of you wonderful women out there read this and it sounds familiar. You spouse is not lying to you. They love you, if you can find a way to forgive them, please do.
To my wife “A”, I know you will never read this, but I do love you. I am truly sorry, and I am doing everything I can to make this work.
(USA) Joe, You haven’t seen your wife in 2 days? Have you at least spoken to her on the phone, and know where she is, and if she is physically ok? Reading what you wrote honestly, and I mean no disrespect when you said she got up, and walked out I thought to myself good for her. If my wife had to move for whatever reason then I’d be packing up, and moving right along with her. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with out her.
I suppose the next question though is if you know where she is how do you plan to try, and put things right? If you leave things alone for too long your marriage WILL be through if it isn’t already. But IF there is ANY chance to hold your marriage together you need to go to her, and beg her forgiveness. What you did was just plain wrong. The porn was bad enough, but to give what you had told your wife on your wedding day was just hers to another woman…just shows a total lack of manliness, character, and will. A real man would control himself, and remind himself that he belongs to his wife as much as she belongs to him.
I can’t say that in the entire time I’ve been married to my wife I never looked at porn, but I can say that I never touched another woman. I’ll admit that I’m somewhat addicted to sex, but my addiction lies only with my wife. Porn never really did it for me when I did look at it. Because it wasn’t her, and I was always looking over my shoulder to make sure she didn’t come up behind me, and see. It was only ever because she had chased me out of our bed. I now understand that her abuse when she was little was the cause of this, and we’ve worked through all of that together bringing us closer not only physically, but spiritually as well.
What you need to do IF “A” gives you another chance is put a “parental control” on your computer, internet, game console if hooked up to the internet, and your DVR blocking anything over T/ PG13 that only she knows. By doing this you’ll know that you can’t just go online, and look it up, or order it on PPV, and more important SHE knows that you can’t as well. T/PG13 because R rated movies often have those kind of scenes even if they are more of a “soft porn” level. You need to swear all of that stuff off.
However, first you’ve got to win her back. I give you this advice only because I believe in marriage, and not because I think you really deserve another chance with “A”. You really didn’t seem to sound like you’re really sorry talking about living separate lives, and such. Even so here’s what I would do if I had to woo my wife again. As with anything else I always like to develop a plan. So start by writing her a letter. In this letter you’ll need to begin by reminding her of how you guys met, your first date, and your lives before she moved, and then tell her exactly how you let yourself fall into the affair, and when you decided to cut off the cyber relationship you had kept up after you moved, and why. Tell her how much you love her, and how you plan to prevent yourself from falling into the same traps again. Reassure her that you really do love her. Let her know that you’re looking into help through online Christian communities, and that you need her to help you get, and stay on track.
Then after the letter don’t try to get her to jump straight back into your marriage, she’s going to need some time. Start dating her again, and DO NOT EVEN TRY TO HAVE SEX W/ HER. At the end of the dates, (and there need to be many) walk her to her room (if you only have one room in your place then you need to sleep on the couch for a while) kiss her good night, and then go sleep on the couch (or in another room). She’ll let you know when she’s ready again. Take her out to dinner, and movies, and dancing. Whatever you guys used to do that you enjoyed outside of the bedroom. Sit on the couch, and talk till the sun comes up, dance to some love songs that you used to dance to when you were dating right there in your living room. You need to learn to be her friend, and to let her be your friend. Marriage isn’t just about the sex, though that is a very important part of it. You need to be each other’s friend before you can be effective as spouses. When I say friend I mean best friend like the friend you can tell anything, and everything to.
I’m fairly certain that if you follow my advice then you should be able to at least be back under the same roof in a month or two. As for the bedroom? Ah well that is something only she’ll be able to tell you in time. Good luck, and may God bless you as you try to reconcile with “A”.
(USA) Joe, I was touched by your comment. It took a lot for you to admit your wrong doings and on a public forum to boot. While I do not agree with your actions I do think it was a huge step for you to admit the problem, seek counseling and hopefully praying w/ out ceasing. The healing began right when you told her what was going on. I would have been devastated if my husband told me those things and after three years the betrayal would have been overwhelming.
I do not completely agree with Dennis’ comments to you. I do not think you are any less of a man your character and integrity have been compromised but it made you even more manly by letting this all out. You are man meaning you are a sinner and so are we all. My sin is no different than yours whether I am saying a curse word or doing what you have done. in God’s eyes, it is WRONG!!! Satan is an accuser, liar, manipulator and he is the master of them all. He wants to destroy you, he wants your marriage to crumble. More than asking for your wife’s forgiveness hit your knees and call on God to heal you both and your marriage hopefully and to forgive you and it will be cast as far as East is from the West. Also, call out to him to take this burden from you and to help you with this. He is the only one who can change your heart.
I pray you and your wife have continued to try and work on things. One day at a time is all you can do. One foot in front of the other. Prayer, and support! God Bless you and “A”. I pray for you both!
Joe, I am in awe. Reading your statement puts me at ease. Even though my partner has said these things to me, it was (and still is at times) hard to believe. Not understanding how compartmentalized you (men) can make this I think is the hardest part. So many of the things that your wife thought or said to you are the same things that I think. And the things you’ve said “As horrible as it sounds, you are not on his mind” are things my partner has said to me.
I thought it was me, I thought I wasn’t doing something in the bedroom or I was somehow inadequate or not enough for him. To find this out about him hurts…wind knocked out of me…world spinning…life was over, empty, numbing pain. Its only been a few weeks since my discovery and it’s not easy. I still feel uneasy if he gets stuck at work (our line of work leads to: a) alot of mandated overtime b) not provable mandated overtime) or if I’m at work and he’s at the computer by himself. When his phone goes off at all hours it makes my heart skip beats.
I’m trying to trust again; I do love him and having you come out and write what you did lets me know it’s not me, it’s not just him. We are not the only couple going through this. THANK YOU. And I hope and pray it works for you and your wife!!!!
(USA) Just after my last birthday in October, my husand of 43 years, out of the blue, confessed that before and duing the entire length of our marriage he has been having oral sex at adult book stores with men. Some years he endulged this addiction only a couple of times a year, but lately he said it was much more frequent… monthly or several times a month.
At first, I was in shock. I had never had even the slightest hint that he was doing anything like this… so much in shock that I think I told him that I understood and loved him anyway. He said he was confessing to me because he couldn’t bear the shame and the guilt any longer and that he wanted to become a Catholic, as I am. He has entered the RCIA program at our local parish church (RCIA is the process through which a non-catholic enters the Catholic Church) and intends to confess all to the parish priest before his confirmation.
So far, he seems very sincere (but I’m very easy to fool, obviously) and has been very open to questions and to living his life as “an open book.” He said he was always terrified that if I found him out I would leave him, which he said he couldn’t bear. He wants to stay married and make it through this crisis.
Since his confession, I have experienced all the anguish and pain that others have so adequately described. But I do count myself fortunate that I didn’t “catch him in the act” or discover compromising evidence because that does lead me to believe that his “conversion” is from the incredible Grace and Mercy of God. That doesn’t lessen the pain, but I am convinced that I can put that pain and suffering to better use that hating him or seeking revenge.
In our Catholic tradition, I have found great comfort in offering this suffering up, alongside Christ’s suffering, for the salvation of my husband. This offering up adds meaning and it lets me help him carry his burden of addiction.
(UNITED STATES) I have been out of the home for 6 months. The reason for our separation, was substance abuse and pornography. He is supposed to be getting help. Instead, he overdosed on Adderall and Crystal Meth on Tuesday, which with the amount of amphetamine in his system, the doctor feels was a 4-5 day binge.
While at the hospital, I looked through his phone, and found that he has been having sexual encounters with MEN (strangers). I found text messages to his ex girlfriend, telling her he wanted to have sex with her as well, and a message that he had sex with a swinger couple (wife only). The encounters with the men were this weekend, while my 2 year old baby was at his home asleep.
I am absolutely devasted. I KNOW that we are over FOREVER at this point. What bothers me the most is that he doesn’t even care. He can do all that stuff and not even consider the fact that we are still married. Like the last 6 years was nothing. And then, it’s like, after living with this man for so long, and thinking that I know him, to imagine him doing this stuff is really messing with my head. It’s like he’s a completely different person. After 6 years of lies, neglect, NO intimacy (if there was, I wasn’t able to please him), pills, porn, I already knew it was likely over, even before I found out about the men.
At this point, we are getting a divorce, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to move on from this. I can’t sleep, I feel sick, and alone. I have no family or support around me, just God. And I praise Him for delivering me from an entire life with this man. However, I still hate to think of him with someone else. Woman or man, and I am heart broken that my dreams have been completely destroyed. If anyone can give me some words of encouragement, I would be very grateful.
(UNITED STATES) Renee, I suggest that when you go to court you make sure the judge knows what was going on while your son was there, and ask that IF he gets visitation it be supervised by an officer of the court. Usually I’m a hopeless romantic, and believe in marriage, but this “man” is anything but, and apparently completely unremorseful, and if he’s using drugs, and doing all of this even while your son is in his “care” there is NO way that he can be allowed to take care of your son let alone ever reconcile your marriage.
I hate seeing a marriage fail, but when people start using drugs, and allow themselves to fall into that world there is rarely a way back let alone a quick way back. Only by the grace of God will he ever be able to be free of that world. Unfortunately one day when, or if he finally does he’ll wake up from his drug induced fog, and realize that he’s missed out on his son’s whole childhood.
You say you have no family. Do you mean near you, or at all? If not at all then surely you have a friend you can talk to.
(UNITED STATES) I don’t quite know where to begin. I have been married for 22 years and today my whole world came crashing down. I found out that my husband has been chatting with another woman whom he met on a innapropriate web site. My almost 13 year old daughter found a couple of choice photos on my husband’s computer when he was home for the holidays, and really struggled on whether or not to tell me.
When she told me, my husband denied it and said she was lying to get attention. The next day I did some research on our cell phone records and found a number that I did not recognize. I called the number and found out that my husband had been having a extramarital phone communication with another woman. This has been going on for about 3 months. We are Christians and raised our 4 children in a Christian home.
My husband recently got a new job where he is working outside the state for the week and then home on the weekends. I am so devastated right now, I could barely perform my tasks at my job today, and when I got home all I could do is cry and go on line to look for help. I came accross this web site and now I am telling my story. I have no one to talk to about this.
To hide the shame and embarrasment I cannot talk to my church family about this. I know that the Lord is always listening and always here for us, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I know that the road to healing has just begun. I really need al ot of prayers. I am not sure how we can undergo Christian counseling since my husband does work out of town. Please pray for us, and for God’s healing and restoration for our marriage.
Darla, so, so, sorry about this. How devastating!!! It’s a nightmare no one could ever imagine they would have to deal with. I’m sad for you that you find yourself in this place. I truly hope you are able to get the help you need. Please go to the Links part of this topic and there you will find a number of ministries, which can help you. You can discuss this with other women who have been in your place and other ministries, which deal with this type of situation all the time. They can relate and they can help. I hope so. I pray the Lord comforts you and gives you guidance and strength.
(USA) HELP PLEASE!! My husband is addicted to porn and each time I find it it’s like a fresh knife wound. I can’t leave yet, been dealing with illness after a battle with cancer. There is nothing good in the marriage –he lies about the porn. I just found two videos. The content is most disturbing. I am told it has nothing to do with me but he does not come to me for intimacy.
I am not ugly but I don’t have the kind of body he is obsessed with and feel sick to my stomach when I see these videos. Is there anyone anywhere that can help me? I have been in therapy, “knowing” my issues does me no good, I do not pray to Jesus and there seems to be a lot of that in answers to women struggling with this. I wish I had enough faith to pray for strength, I have hung in through the dry years –he lies about $$ as well –and now he is making it in the entertainment industry.
I feel like I’m being tortured; I know I have choices, my spirit is beaten down and tortured again and again. The betrayal is unspeakable. I feel desperately alone.
(USA) Natalie, My heart aches for you. I saw in your comment that you do not pray to Jesus. More than my prayer for you and your marriage it will be that you someday very soon come to know Jesus and what he has done for. Without Him I am not sure of the best way for your healing. Christ was the best example for us of what true forgivness, mercy, and unconditional love was… if you do not yet know that I hope you find it because without any of that you will remain broken and may become resentful and bitter.
God loves you through this and whether you believe in him or not he is there. What could be a better time than now to cling to him? Natalie, His strength is enough, yours may not be but I promise you if you rely on him and give your life to him HE IS STRONG ENOUGH to get you through and he is bigger than any of your storms. God bless you and I will pray for you! Megan
(USA) I’ve been reading these posts. I’m crying so hard I can hardly breathe. I’m going through this right now. It’s fresh, I just found out this Halloween. I’m hurt more than I ever thought I could be. I too had trust issues & my husband knew this. My husband repeatedly lied to my face that he’d never hurt me. He loved me & only me. Even made me feel guilty for doubting his fidelity at times. He would accuse me of cheating. My therapists are calling it projection.
I’m so angry!!! I literally just do not know what to do. My 2 year old is in my bed consoling me, how unfair! I thought this was going to be the family I’ve always dreamed about. I feel cheated. I’m so out of my mind I can barely write this post. The stories I’ve read pretty much say it all. I wish I could find a person in real life that I could talk to about this. Until then, I will try to find comfort here.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi there, it is time for me to begin my healing, and it is hard. Like somebody already said, the pictures run through me, and my heart is ripped out every time I discover something new. I finally want to send him an email telling him how I feel. I would rather do that before getting married and it gets worse.
I love David very much but the other part of him leading this double life is killing all I feel for him. For I feel as though I am second best, that he is only with me because the dating sites cannot give him a partner in his house, and because of his addiction no one else wanted him.
I guess they saw through him, but now I am sitting with the pain. I do not think he truly understands how it makes me feel. How does one carry on or just get them to open up about it? I am terrified.