The following are web site links to help you find a marriage counselor. Additionally, we provide marriage mentoring links to web sites that can help you to become a marriage mentor.
We also list several recommended resources that can help you in mentoring situations. We pray you will find them to be helpful.
Marriage Counseling and Mentoring Links
• Focusministries1.org This is a not-for-profit organization devoted to offer hope, encouragement, and assistance to women in difficult circumstances. This includes spousal abuse. FOCUS Ministries provides help for women suffering the horror of domestic violence. They also assist those who want to help. You can contact them at: FOCUS Ministries P. O. Box 2014, Elmhurst, Illinois 60126. Their phone number is: (630) 595-7023. There is also FOCUS Ministries, P. O. Box 323, Hanson, Kentucky 42413. Phone: (270) 825-2423. If this is not an emergency, you may contact them through their web site or by e-mail at help@focusministries1.org.
• FOCUS ON THE FAMILY COUNSELING SERVICES AND REFERRALS The ministry of Focus on the Family offers a “counseling service by phone. You can call at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain time). Also, be prepared to leave your contact information for a counselor to return your call. The consultation is available at no cost to you. You may also place your request for a counselor callback by filling out the Counseling Consultation Request Form.” You can fill out the request at the link above.
Also, to “find Christian Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, Psychologists, Social Workers and Psychiatrists near you search by location” go to their Counselor Locator.
Unfortunately, they do not have area counselor referrals outside of North America.” However, they DO have web sites for a variety of other countries. These include Australia, Canada, Costa Rica, Ireland, Malaysia, Mongolia, Singapore, South Africa, and Taiwan. When you contact them they may be able to direct you to counselors in your area.
For More Counseling and Mentoring Links, There is Also:
• Focus on the Family – South Africa Their primary objective is to meet the needs of families through reliable and trustworthy resources, counseling support, referral services and programs on current issues and needs challenging families in Southern Africa. Their trained, and caring staff are only a call away for those seeking advice. They also respond to letters, and e-mails. Plus, they offer a national counseling referral service. Due to the growing need and the demand for face-to-face counseling it has become necessary for Focus on the Family to establish an on-campus Counseling Centre to meet the needs of Christians and others both local and in the wider Durban area. Should you wish to make an appointment or need further information regarding this facility, kindly contact them.
Plus, There is:
• Marriagementoring.com Drs Les and Leslie Parrott put this web site together. In it, you will learn how to become mentors and launch a ministry to help others in their marriages. You can do this on a one couple to one couple basis or on a multiple basis through your church. Their goal is to “see a million marriage mentors ‘wake up’ in the local church, lower the divorce rate, and help make good marriages great! It will be a social revolution like no other—impacting generations to come. And it’s doable.”
• MARRIAGETEAM.ORG This is a Washington based, non-profit charity. It offers marriage coaching services for pre-marital and married couples. Their mission is to strengthen and save marriages; and they work with a wide range of couples. From those couples seeking marital enrichment to those who have divorce papers in hand, marriage coaching has become the last ditch effort to save their marriage. The majority of coaching is done couple-to-couple in private homes. However, some coaches use Skype for long distance coaching. This has proven to be just as effective as coaching in-person coaching. It’s important to note that all coaches are volunteers who are well trained in their unique program.
Additional Counseling and Mentoring Links:
• Meierclinics.com This counseling ministry has clinics coast-to-coast in California, Illinois, Kansas, Maryland, Michigan, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Texas, Virginia, and Washington, including major hub sites in the metropolitan areas of Chicago, Dallas, St Louis, and Washington, D.C. All of their clinic staff (psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, marriage and family counselors, addiction counselors, dietitians, etc.) are committed Christians who are fully credentialed and professionally trained.
They are dedicated to providing Christian counseling in a safe environment where men, women, and children can work through issues that are robbing them of satisfaction and enjoyment in life. The Meier Clinic in Wheaton, IL, offers an Intensive Outpatient Program for adults dealing with sexual addiction. The clinics also offer Life Coaching, which can be done either at their clinics or on the phone. Go to their web site to find out more.
• Narramore Christian Foundation and Missionary Psychological Services: Every year at least five thousand missionaries leave the field unnecessarily. This is because of excessive stress involving personal, family, social, and ministry-related problems. Those remaining on the filed face life stressors at least 2-3 times those experienced by individuals at home in the United States. The Narramore Christian Foundation is committed to serving these dedicated men and women, and their families.
Mentoring Link:
• 12CONVERSATIONS.COM is designed to help you learn how to develop a marriage mentoring program. Marriage mentoring can be as simple as finding a couple you respect and hearing their stories of married life. Also, this is a good ministry to contact if your church is considering developing a mentoring program.
RESOURCES ON MENTORING:
• Apples of Gold: A Six-Week Nurturing Program for Women is written by Betty Huizenga. It is published by Cook Communications. This program is designed for mature women to mentor younger married women through topical Bible studies based on Titus 2:3-5. It includes Bible study, and cooking demonstrations and then sharing a meal together. Plus there is encouragement to be the women God has called us to be.
• Before “I Do”: Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience is written by Jason Krafsky. It is published by Turn the Tide Resource Group. This is an excellent Pre-marriage workbook which we HIGHLY recommend. It gives sound Biblical counsel and principles, and integrates proven relationship insights. Plus you learn relationship fundamentals to attain the skills to live the Full Marriage Experience. While the book is filled with useful information, it engages readers to interact with the material. It also can be used with a “Marriage Investor.” They can include clergy, small group leaders, marriage mentors, a seasoned married couple or counselor who acts as a pre-marital education facilitator. This is a GREAT resource!
• Called Together…Asks difficult questions couples must answer before and after they say, “I do.” Steve Prokopchak wrote this book. It is published by Destiny Image Publications. This workbook is designed for couple-to-couple mentoring or personal use. It prepares couples for a successful, God-honoring marriage. It also addresses the challenges of remarriage, intercultural marriage and senior adult remarriage. Whether you’re considering marriage or remarriage or you counsel those who are, this book supplies down-to-earth advice and biblical wisdom.
Also:
• 51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors: Connecting Couples to Build Better Marriages This book, published by Zondervan, offers an “idea box” of activities. It also gives innovative ways to deepen relationships between mentoring couples. It can be used in any of the three areas of the marriage mentoring triad: • Preparing —mentoring engaged and newlywed couples • Maximizing —mentoring couples from good to great • Restoring —mentoring couples in distress. There is also an entire section of ideas appropriate for mentoring any couple.
• Marriage Mentor Training Manual for Husbands: A Ten-Session Program for Equipping Marriage Mentors This book is designed by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott. They are two of today’s foremost marriage experts. It is published by Zondervan Publishing. This resource will train and equip you to help others weather the storms and build successful marriages. It’s a thorough, reassuring, and carefully designed approach for marriage mentoring. There is a companion manual for wives.
• Marriage Mentor Training Manual for Wives: A Ten-Session Program for Equipping Marriage Mentors This book is designed by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott. They are two of today’s foremost marriage experts. It is published by Zondervan Publishing. This resource will train and equip you to help others weather the storms and build successful marriages. It’s a carefully designed approach for marriage mentoring. Plus, there is a companion manual for husbands.
There is also:
• Rick and Jane Learn to Listen and Talk: The First Step to Intimacy This is a playbook, which includes how to communicate, handle anger, respond to conflict, and other interpersonal skills. In this book, written by Al and Autumn Ray, a young couple, Rick and Jane, seek help from marriage coaches, Sam and Sally. They seek to invigorate and heal their marriage. As the story progresses, Sam and Sally help the couple learn and practice new skills. They also create a common playbook for their marriage team. “Marriage is like a team,” say the authors. “And like all teams, it functions best when the players are skilled and operate from the same playbook.”
• The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring: Connecting Couples to Build Better Marriages In this book, which is published by Zondervan, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott provide the complete guide to becoming a marriage mentor. They instruct the individuals who guide couples in many different stages of married life through emphasizing working as a team, building rapport, walking in another couple’s shoes, and praying together. This book contains practical guidelines help mentors and couples work together as a team. Appendixes offer a wealth of additional resources and tools. This guide also includes insights from interviews with church leaders and marriage mentors from around the country.
Lastly:
• The Solution for Marriages: Mentoring a New Generation This book, is published by Today’s Promise. It is written by Jeff Murphy and Chuck Dettman. They show you God’s design for marriage and how successful marriage mentors and pastors are teaching couples to build awesome marriages. This guide combines timeless biblical wisdom, and critical relationship skills. Plus, there are empowering resources included that have led many couples to a successful marriage. It’s designed for Marriage Mentors, Pastors and Counselors. It’s also for individual couples looking to improve their marriages. Plus, it’s also designed for those who are considering becoming a marriage mentor and for those who are presently mentoring.
(SOUTH AFRICA) If husband cheats on you for the 5th time what do you do? You have two kids with this man and he keeps on doing this. After being caught he tells you that he loves only you and he will leave the other woman. Do I still stay in a marriage like that?
(USA) Lulu, I can only imagine the pain and confusion you are experiencing within this situation. How heart-breaking!
As far as advising you on this — we can’t really tell you whether you are to “stay in a marriage like that” or not, but instead encourage you to keep praying, asking this question to God. Humanly, I want to tell you to dismiss him totally from your heart and life. But that may not be God’s plan. You need to go with God’s plan… not that of humans.
It appears that your husband is a habitual cheater. Five times of being involved with other women is five times too many when it comes to cheating. It’s not a matter of loving you enough to “leave the other woman” but rather loving you enough NOT to leave your marriage bed in the first place to go to other women time after time. What kind of love is that for him to erase what this does to your heart and to your family so he can satisfy his own temporary pleasure?
Also, what does this type of behavior teach your children about the fidelity that is SUPPOSED to be embraced within marriage? And what if they become orphans because their father brings AIDS into the home because of his infidelity? Everyone thinks this kind of thing will never happen to them, but it does… everyday! Just look around. Your children need to be considered in all of this as well.
The question is more a consideration of your husband’s heart and behavior. Words can be cheap. Is he a cheater by nature? Is his love demonstrated by his actions as well as his words? Is he repentant to God as well as to you? If he is, then he will find ways, with God’s help, to do whatever it takes to make sure he will never stray from his vows to God and to you again.
If you told him that you don’t want him back, would he leave this other woman, with whom he’s been cheating, because he knows it is wrong — whether you are still in his life right now or not? Is he willing to live an honest life before God and his children and you, even if you are at a distance in your relationship?
I would personally make his actions match his words — with signs of integrity. If he can’t show that he is turning his life around FOR A LONG TIME… I would let his actions determine whether I would consider taking him back. If his actions lie… then his words are a lie and he can’t be trusted to remain faithful.
Pray that God will give you wisdom on this. I personally, wouldn’t start thinking divorce at this point… it’s premature. I would pray and see if he becomes a man of integrity when you are separated and then let God tell you if he can be trusted in the future with your heart and the heart of your children again. And then see where all of this leads.
May God guide you and give you wisdom, help and hope for a brighter future. I pray the Lord works within your husband’s heart — not to give him peace of any kind if he is sewing trouble — but help if he turns his life around. I pray the Lord will be a father to your children as you look to Him to help you to do what is right for them as well. I pray the Lord binds up your broken heart and gives you peace despite this horrible situation. May you be blessed despite the pain you have been experiencing. May you personally experience the God of all comfort! Please know you are loved and are being prayed for.
(INDIA) Marriage counseling is also known as a couple therapy. Perhaps the most important tool that this helpful marriage counseling can provide is the ability to talk about these issues freely and openly without the threat of a negative reaction. Counseling can provide you a safe and confidential environment to strengthen your relationship. Marriage counseling can help you learn skills to solidify your marriage relationship. These skills may comprise to communicating openly, problems resolving together and discussing differences rationally. In some cases, such as mental illness or substance abuse, your marriage counselor may work with your extra health care professionals to give a full spectrum of treatment. http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
(SOUTH AFRICA, DURBAN) I am looking for a good councellor/psychologist/social worker in Durban South Africa with extensive experience in Couples theraphy/marriage councelling.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Vasi, Phone Focus on the FAMILY South Africa or Familylife South Africa… You can get the contact details on the yellow pages [or on this section of the web site in the “Resources” section]. They will be able to help you.
In addition there are a lot of articles posted on this website that you and your hubby can read. They can be of great assistance to you. I hope ypu come right. Many blessings.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been staying with my fiance for years and we even have two kids 4 & 3 years olds. He already made marriage negotiations with my family, but didn’t finish paying Lobola. He even bought an engagement ring but I took it off when I realised that he always put his extended family before us. When I speak to him about it, he becomes defensive of his family. I don’t even know how much he earns as he does most of the budget alone. The funny part is I show him my payslip and budgets.
I would like nothing else than to be his wife, but I realy don’t think we will ever be his first priority to him. I sugested marital counseling, he didn’t show much interest. He just acts as if I want to separate him from his family members especially his mother. Please help, I really don’t know what to do anymore.
(USA) Hi Sande, The only real help we can give is to tell you that what you see now is a small glimpse into what you will be living through on a larger scale if you marry. From what I read in the Bible, husbands and wives are to emotionally and priority-wise, “leave” their families of origin, to cleave to each other. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t to love and honor them, but their priorities are to change. He is to champion you OVER his family rather than the other way around.
It does not appear that your fiance understands this concept. If he doesn’t show “much interest” in going in for pre-marital counseling when you are both at an impasse on a very important matter, this again shows you a glimpse of what is ahead.
You will be married to a man who doesn’t seem to want to partner with you financially and family-wise, and in finding solutions together so BOTH of you are satisfied with the way things are. Personally, I couldn’t marry someone after knowing this because I wouldn’t want to live like in such a disconnected and unbiblical way; it wouldn’t be wise. I pray the Lord gives you wisdom and if your fiance is open to it, that He reveals to him that he needs to change his ways if he wants to marry you.
(SOUTH AFRICA, DURBAN) I have a husband and we have been married for 4 years now, but ever since we got married there is no fun in our relationship. He cares too much about work and his friends. If I suggest we do something together he agrees but when that time comes he has excuses because something has come up. And when it comes to his family he doesn’t tell me anything until the last minute. For instance, someone will come and visit yet he knew that a long time ago. He doesn’t wear his ring sometimes and if I ask him why, he will just say that he doesn’t like, it he wants to buy a new one. Whenever he is wrong he just changes everything to being my fault and I have to apologize at the end yet I was not the one who was wrong. There is a lot happening but I just don’t know what to do now. Please help me!
(MUMBAI) Hi Masti… I would advise to go for counseling. It will really help you a lot. This is the same problem my friend was facing. She went to counseling and now she’s happy with her hubby. I know your hubby will not accept his mistakes… men are men and they will not change. Take care and be happy. Have some patience… God bless you dear…
(SOUTH AFRICA) I just need quality advice as I am in going through painful suffering for 8 months… I have prayed for a wife but the problem is, the woman that God showed me do not go to the same church. I have complied with all the necessary procedures but her pastor doesn’t like me. They even took three months to let me to meet that lady. I have told by them if the lady does not want to accept my appeal then I won’t say anything and they didn’t want to go out and let me to talk to the lady one one on one.
I begged them and instead of coming up with a solution they threatened me by saying that if I am not talking to her, I must rather go and look at a lady in the church I go to… Please give me quality advice because after that I have spoken to her and her pastor posed to me many questions, not her. The problem is this, now she gave me her mom’s cell number although her pastor told me in front of the lady to leave her — that I must look a lady in the church I go.
(USA) Elvis, Instead of praying for a wife, pray that you are the husband you need to be when the Lord provides you with a wife. It’s not all about finding the one. It’s much more important to be the one. If you are focused only on finding a wife, you are not doing the work needed to become a man worthy of being a husband.
(USA) Elvis, while I agree with what Tony says about being more focused on “being the right man,” I also want to encourage you to prayerfully consider that God may be closing the door for you to be with this woman.
I won’t pretend to understand the cultural issues related to what the pastors are saying to you because I’m not sure how much influence they really have in the decision making process for the actual courting and marriage process. But what I do know is that if you are getting so much resistance and pressure now (before you are married) I can assure you that it would not get any better after you married this woman. It sounds like she is not willing to make decisions for herself and that she is listening almost exclusively to these “advisers.”
From what you said, it appears you have made every effort to comply with the what the pastors have told you to do in order to “prove yourself” worthy to be this womans husband. But no matter what you do, it is not “good enough.”
It has been our experience that these kinds of problems in the courting process can be warning signals from God that He is trying to tell you that this woman MAY NOT be His choice for you. Now, He wants to know if you are willing to give her up for what He feels is BEST for you.
I know this is not easy for you to take in and that for you to break off this relationship it will probably be the most painful experience of your life. That’s why you need to really seek God on this matter. If you have confidence in the pastor from your home church, you should seek his counsel and guidance as well.
We’ll be praying for you, Elvis. I’m truly sorry you have been put in this situation. I believe that when you look back on this 5 years from now, you will be able to see the Hand of God at work in your life to protect you. Blessings! – Steve Wright, marriage Missions International
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I have a problem with an abusive husband, who believes solving things is through anger and cursing. He hits both me and the kids. We are even at a point, were we are so scared to sleep cause we know when he comes home he will start up a fight.
Am I wrong for wanting a divorce? Is there any chance that he can change even after he left drinking, or am I just fooling myself? He is the sweetest person when he’s sober and will do anything for his kids; all this starts when he’s drunk. I need to know that I’m making the best decision before I sign those papers.
(SA) My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. I am a leader of the church so I’ve found that she slept with this man four times. It’s painfull and I still love her that much. I need help.
(USA) I have been with my father’s children for over five years and this Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary. These past couple of weeks a lot of things have came to surface about my husband that I never knew was going on. I found out within this past week that a year ago he was talking to multiple women and having conversations that were not appropriate. One woman in particular, he talked to on a regular basis for a few months, and even went to see her when he was supposed to be at work, working overtime. Him and this woman have known each other for over ten years and I never knew how much they really felt for each other until I just recently found out.
After talking to him about this, he explained to me that he was unsure of us. That is why he did what he did. He did not have time to figure out if this relationship is what he wanted in the begining because he was too busy trying to be with me and keep me.
It has broken my heart that he did all these hurtful things behind my back. He says since we have been married he has not talked to any other woman and doesn’t want to ever be with another woman, that he has figured it all out. But just a few weeks ago I found out he has been talking to other women still. And when he talks to these women he says inappropriate things, that misleads these women into thinking he wants to be with them sexually.
His excuse is that he did this only because he has a really bad way of talking to women and pretty much did it for an ego boost. I am lost and confused and painfully hurting. Everyday I shed tears and I know I cannot get through this alone. I have God on my side but I also want some kind of counseling but don’t really know who to open up about this to.
My husbands says that he has never cheated on me as far as sleeping with another woman, but to me, when you talk to and see other women behind my back it’s just the same as cheating, and always will be to me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 5 years, adopted two step sons and had my own 2 daughters, my challenge is that my daughter blames me for ever evil thing that happens to them and even that i either live the way she thinks is right with them or look for somewhere else to live while she makes time to visit me.
She prefers to stay with the children more than with me,
what do you suggest i do because i love my wife not because of the kids but because of her but mine has to be conditional
(US) I am also going through some very hard times with my husband for almost 2 years. I really don’t think he loves me at all. I’m at the point where l can’t stand the site of him.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband is a sex addict, alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive liar. He is currently attending AA meetings and has not consumed alcohol or smoked for 10 months now. He has so far claimed that he has not visited prostitutes as well but I found a name and phone number in his car. After a long argument he admitted that he stopped and got the number from a woman on the road. I want to leave him but am afraid of the effect on my children -one is going to be in her last year of high school and the other in his second last year. My husband says he does not know how he will survive if he is on his own. I can’t live with the guilt of hurting my children and I know my husband will carry on doing this.
If a husband keeps on telling you that in general you are a fool and you are clever when it comes to books. Generally assessing his way of doing things and finding that a person who is clever cannot repeatedly do it. What is the meaning of this?
Are there any books/study guides that would help a marriage to get back to focusing on God together first and then their marriage? We have lost both focus areas and are both the types that need guidance. Thank you.
Tammy, I’m so glad you asked that question. Too many couples get the cart before the horse (so to speak). You lay the foundation down first and THEN you work to grow the marriage in healthy directions. It’s A LOT easier that way. The book that I would especially recommend is called, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? written by Gary Thomas. It is an outstanding book and truly helps you to frame all of marriage around God’s design for our marriage –rather than man’s. That is one of the best we’ve seen. We use it many, many times whenever we do premarital and other types of mentoring and teaching. Another book that we recommend is titled The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God written by Timothy Keller. Again, it’s a foundational book on marriage –one that helps you to realize God’s design for marriage.
And another book that I highly recommend is titled, What Did You Expect? written by Paul David Tripp. We use this book a lot too. And one more is titled The Masterpiece Marriage (Focus on the Family Marriage Series) written by Al Janssen. You will find that this is first part of a series put out by Focus on the Family. (If you go to the links we give in the titles of this comment, you can see more of a description of all of the books I’m recommending, plus you can obtain them at the same time, if that is your desire.)
That will keep you busy for quite a while, but this is a wealth of material that you will benefit from greatly. These books have helped us and many, many others we know. I hope they will help you :)
Hi again Tammy, I just read your prayer request on the Prayer Wall. I’m so glad you posted it there. I pray for you and your husband that somehow you will be able to grow into a team as you lay a good foundation. That is what happened to us. My husband tended to be too passive and uninvolved in our marriage. He kind of had the “ostrich-with-its-head-in-the-sand” attitude. It was a huge problem. I wondered so often if he cared. But through the years God has grown us together in amazing ways. Don’t give up. Keep praying and persevering. In light of what you wrote, here are a few additional resources that you may find helpful. One is an article we have posted on this web site: https://marriagemissions.com/passive-husbands/. And here is another book I highly recommend for you to read that could perhaps give you insight into his “love style” and what you can do about it. It’s a book written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love. It’s published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject and could see how it could absolutely change the lives of couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I’d never realized before. I’m thinking it would do the same for you.
There is one more book we highly recommend (after you read the foundational books I recommended earlier and the above book): Talk Easy, Listen Hard: Real Communication for Two Really Different People written by Nancy Sebastian Meyer, published by Moody publishers. This is a book we highly recommend because it has shorter versions of some of the important communication info we have read through (that helped our marriage) that will help you to better understand your wife or husband. As the book says, “it helps you tackle your communication barriers, not each other.” Many of the things covered in this book (which is laid our very simply), are things we learned through many different resources. But what’s great about this is that it’s all in one book —some of the highlights of the best, within the same resource. How I wish I would have had this book earlier in our marriage. This book can really open your eyes. …I hope all of this helps :)