The following are quotes from various resources concerning the differences between men and women in how we approach marriage issues. We pray they help you to come to a better understanding of each other so you will be able to better build relationship bridges to strengthen your marriage.

Key for quote - business concept• Gender differences can distort our thinking about relationships. Through female glasses, male behavior looks a certain way, [and visa versa] and sometimes what seems wrong may be simply different. Men [and women] often need far more understanding than fixing. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book, “Married But Not Engaged”)

• God could have created clones if He wanted spouses to be carbon copies of each other. Instead, He wants you and your unique qualities to work with your spouse’s unique characteristics. It’s a bit like vision. Close one eye; what happens? You lose depth perception cues. That’s because you’re viewing things from only one angle. When you look with two eyes, the slightly different vantage points of each eye turn your vision into a 3-D experience. Instead of trying to make your mate “see things your way,” you can benefit from having different perspectives. If you and your spouse view a situation from a slightly different vantage points, you can blend those views and see things more accurately than either of you could individually. (Glenn Lutjens, one of the authors from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)

• Women are especially guilty of expecting men to be exactly like them. But couples need to accept that it’s actually your differences that will maintain the passion in your marriage. In the beginning, you’re often attracted to your similarities, but as the relationship grows, it will be the contrasts that keep it interesting. Sure, it will challenge a couple, and ultimately force them to respond to each other in new ways, but it’s good to remember that humans are always in a state of flux, with things changing all the time. The more prepared you both are for adjustments, the smoother the ride will be. (Pat Love, from the article, “The Love Recipe“)

• The sad fact is that throughout much of history, gender differences have been used to dominate women; in many ways, for many moons, men behaved badly. During the latter half of the twentieth century, in response, a concerted campaign was waged in an attempt to establish that there actually are no real differences between men and women. Part of this was designed to liberate women from stereotypes and practices that have held them down. This admirable work went overboard, however, when it attempted to deny and “eradicate” all differences between the genders.

One gender is not better than the other. We are equal even as we are different; advantaged in some ways, at a disadvantage in others. And it’s not as though we live in different realities. We see the same world. We just, on average, tend to focus on different parts of it. Accepting this helps us to cease trying to make each other more like ourselves. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book, “Married But Not Engaged”)

• Men and women are different in how they view money, and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points. On top of the fact that men and women are different, opposites attract. Chances are, if you’re married, one of you is good at working numbers (the nerd) and the other one isn’t good at working numbers (the free spirit). That isn’t the real problem. The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether. (Dave Ramsey, from the article “The Truth About Money and Relationships”)

• “The old saying “opposites attract” is often true. The difficulty is once they marry they drive each other crazy. Our opposites tend to fascinate us because they add variety to life and pull us from our comfortable rut of familiarity. Opposites stretch us beyond ourselves, forcing us to broaden our horizons. They add depth and provide opportunities for growth. It’s from them that we learn our most difficult lessons. They expose us to thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are foreign to us. They balance our lopsidedness and make us more complete.” (Dr Steve Stephens)

• Entire books have been dedicated to teaching on the male and female brain and chemical differences. Our “happily ever after” is affected when we don’t understand that men are more compartmentalized in their approach to life and relationships and emotions, while most women are constantly working out of a relational- and emotional-thinking process. That is why men do not remember emotional experiences as well as women do. They may remember facts about sports events or what is happening on Wall Street, but what our tears were about two weeks ago may elude them. (Gary and Carrie Oliver, from the book, “Mad About Us”)

• In our culture, 75 per cent of men are thinkers and 75 per cent of women are feelers. Keep in mind that Thinkers have feelings and Feelers do think. It’s just that they process situations with a different focus. [In working this out in your marriage keep in mind that] the head can easily hurt the heart and the heart often appears irrational to the head. Like so many differences, balance is the key. Truth without sensitivity can be cruel even a sensitivity without truth can be misguided sentimentality. We need both truth and sensitivity. (Dr Steve Stevens, from the book, “Marriage: Experience the Best”)

• Women’s bodies prove to be far more sensitive to hostile remarks than the men’s, says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD, who heads up the research and is director of health psychology at OSU’s College of Medicine. “Biologically, the different reactions women have to a husband who says ‘You idiot’ versus ‘I guess you and I just see this differently’ are enormous,” she says. “Women just have a more intense physiological reaction to hostility in relationships than men do.”

This happens, she says, for two reasons: First, women tend to evaluate negativity in their own relationships accurately, “while men tend to be semi-oblivious to it.” And second, even when the negativity registers with men, “they tend to forget it quickly, while women will often relive the angry exchanges over and over, for hours.” (Sarah Mahoney, from the Feb 2006 Prevention Magazine article, “The High Price of a Bad Relationship”)

• Women tend to be more personal than men. Women have a deeper interest in people and feelings —building relationships —while men tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logical deduction. Men tend to be more challenge-and-conquer oriented —competing for dominance —hence, their strong interest in sports such as football and boxing. (Gary Smalley and Steve Scott, from the book, “If He Only Knew”)

• Men are more tolerant of other men’s way. Their friends can be loud, obnoxious, rude or self-centered and the guys still might enjoy being in each other’s company. That sense of lightness, of not needing or expecting a great deal from a friendship, can carry over to a romantic relationship. The average guy, to his mind anyway, overlooks a lot of annoying things about his partner. “My needs are simple,” a man might say. So when his partner has higher expectations of him, he can get resentful. “I’m so accepting of her, why can’t she be more accepting of me? he wonders. Women usually want more depth to their relationships. Men get comfortable with the status quo. (Paul Coleman, from the book “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy”)

• Before embarking on any kind of creative activity with your mate keep in mind the differences between men and women especially in their thinking and perceptions. Even though men and women are alike in many physical capacities, there seems to be a difference in the “wiring” of the two sexes. Therefore, we must be sensitive to the difference in thinking and perspective that each person has when dating. What may seem fun and exciting to one spouse may be totally boring to the other. (Rick Bundschuh and Dave Gilbert, from the book, “Dating Your Mate”)

• Men tend to be less desirous and knowledgeable in building intimate relationships, both with God and with others. For example, women are usually the ones who buy marriage books. They are usually the ones who develop the initial interest in knowing God and attending church. When a man realizes his wife is more naturally motivated to nurture relationships, he can relax and accept these tendencies and choose to develop a better marriage and better relationships with his children. (Dr Gary Smalley and Steve Scott, from the book, “If He Only Knew”)

• You need to know that testosterone, one of the hormones responsible for sex drive, is 20-40 per cent more prevalent in men than women. Though it is not always the case, it’s very common for men to desire sex more often than their wives. This gender difference often creates problems in marriages, particularly when people blame each other for being different. Men think their wives are passionless and women think their husbands are sex maniacs. Blame is the thing that destroys marriages, not differences in libido. (Michelle Weiner Davis)

• Sexually, men and women are different. And anatomy is only a small part of that difference. We are diverse in our approaches, our responses, and what sex means to us. Unless we understand and adjust to these variances, we’re in trouble. Now, what I have written may not apply to everyone, but here are some distinctives:

• To a man sex is a delightful intermission in the drama; to a woman it is woven into the fabric of the whole.
• The male sex drive is generated by physical needs, accompanied by emotional needs; a woman’s drive stems from emotional needs, along with physical needs.
• A man thinks, How often? A woman ponders, How?
• A man’s thought is reduced to the moment; a woman’s to what is produced by the moment. (During intercourse, a man rarely thinks of the act resulting in a baby, while this may be much on a woman’s mind.)
• A man is quick to react to stimulation; a woman, comparatively slow to react, needs to be stimulated.
• A man is primarily stimulated by one of his senses —sight; a woman is stimulated by all five plus one —touch, hearing, sight, taste, and smell. The extra “plus one” is tenderness. (This difference is important. A number of wives have confided to Carole and me that they were unable to respond physically to their husbands because they smelled. Perspiration, stale smoke, and bad breath can inhibit a woman’s enjoyment of sex. It is also true that men can be turned off by unpleasant smells, but women seem to be more sensitive to such things.)

To summarize with an illustration: A man is like an electric light bulb —you flip a switch and on he goes. A woman is more like an electric iron —you flip a switch and it takes time to warm up. When you turn it off, it takes time to cool off too. Now, if you don’t remember any of the other differences, please remember that one. It’s very important in learning to be a lover. And men need to learn to be lovers if they are to satisfy the needs of their wives. (Jack and Carole Mayall, from the book, “Marriage Takes More Than Love”)

• MEN ARE LIKE WAFFLES. Men process life in boxes. If you look down at a waffle, you see a collection of boxes separated by walls. The boxes are all separate from each other and make convenient holding places. That is typically how a man processes life. A man’s thinking is divided up into boxes that have room for one issue and one issue only. The first issue of life goes in the first box, the second goes in the second box, and so on. When a man is at work, he is at work. When he is in the garage tinkering around, he is in the garage tinkering around. When he is watching TV, he is simply watching TV. Social scientists call this “compartmentalizing.”

WOMEN ARE LIKE SPAGHETTI. In contrast to men’s waffle-like approach, women process life more like a plate of spaghetti. If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that individual noodles all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles and you might even switch to another noodle seamlessly. That is how women face life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some way. Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men. This is why a woman is typically better at multitasking than a man. She can talk on the phone, prepare a meal, make a shopping list, work on planning tomorrow’s business meeting, give instructions to her children as they are going out to play, and close the door with her foot without skipping a beat.

When women are under stress, they like to talk their way through their feelings, often jumping from subject to subject. Men, on the other hand, like to go to their favorite easy boxes to recharge. God kind of clued women in a bit though, as most of men’s favorite easy boxes are actually shaped like boxes: the TV, the computer screen, the newspaper, the football field, the basketball court, the baseball diamond, the tennis court, the garage, the refrigerator, and the bed. That bed box, the sex box, is kind of like the free square in the center of a bingo card, and a husband can get to that sex box from every other square in his waffle. (Bill and Pam Farrel, from the book, “Red Hot Monogamy”)

• In roughly 80% of all homes, men primarily relate to their wives using what we call a language of the head while women tend to speak a language of the heart. Typically, men tend to be logical, factual, and detail-oriented. On the other hand, women love to share thoughts, feelings, goals, and dreams. As a result of these two differences, many women fail to keep in mind that their husbands genuinely may not see or understand the concerns that they’re sharing. In many cases, they simply don’t speak the same language! (Gary Smalley, from article, “The Language of Love”)

• It’s possible that the communication gender gap lies in how messages are perceived. But the style and content of the messages themselves differ, too. Men tend to use language to transmit information, report facts, fix problems, clarify status, and establish control. Women are more likely to view language as a means to greater intimacy, stronger or richer relationships, and fostering cooperation rather than competition. In other words, it’s “debate vs. relate.”

That means you and your spouse may be tuned in to very different “meanings” in what each of you is saying. This provides fertile ground for misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and conflict. What one of you thinks is the other’s “hidden meaning” can be 180 degrees out of phase with what the speaker really intends to communicate. This can easily lead to distorted conclusions about the other person’s motivations. (Phillip J. Swihart, one of the authors of the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)

• Some experts say that while we all shift back and forth from one side of the brain to the other, a man’s brain is likely to be more highly specialized. A woman operates more holistically, with both sides functioning at once. This means a man can give more focused attention to what he’s doing, but a woman, using both sides of her brain simultaneously to work on a problem, has an advantage. And no wonder! One study indicates that women have more “connectors” between the two sides even as infants and thus can integrate information more skillfully.

This apparently enables them to tune in to everything going on around them —like cooking dinner, listening to one child practice scales on the piano, helping another write a letter, and talking on the phone all at the same time —while her husband complains that he can’t read the paper because one child is banging two pot lids together in the next room.

One result of a woman having additional connectors is that she may be extra perceptive about people. She picks up feelings and connects them more readily to what she’s thinking. If these studies are correct —that women have extra connectors —then this means a woman’s expectation of a man’s perceptual ability should be tempered with such knowledge. In other words, women need to have great patience and understanding of men’s difficulty in handling multiple things or in expressing emotions readily. But men need patience too —to understand and accept the feelings of their wives. (Jack Mayhall, from the book, “Opposites Attack”)

• A woman’s brain has been shown not to rest at all, while a man’s brain will need mental naps. Beware, ladies, to watch for the stare on his face. He may be taking a mental nap, giving you the signal that a deep emotional connection and conversation is not going to happen. If you don’t want to get mad or frustrated or hurt, then wait until that brain of his is awake and alert and trying to make the switch to the relational compartment. (Gary and Carrie Oliver, from the book, “Mad About Us”)

• Let me give you a little insight into your husband. Somewhere they may have disconnected their thoughts and their feelings from who they are, from being able to express them. Some of your husbands are in that position and you know what, ladies, for some of them it is a risk because some of you are very quick thinkers. If you’re decisive, you see black and white. That’s a gift. They can’t see that way, so ask them how they think, how they feel, and give them time to process. It may take hours, it may take days, give them time to process.

And then when they tell you what they think or feel, even if you disagree, even if you think their thought is absurd, do not shoot them down. Please accept their thoughts and feelings, because they are different from yours. Mine are different from my husband’s. (Cindy Easley, on radio program titled, “Understanding Your Husband, featured 07/17/06 on Family Life Today)

• Here’s something you can’t afford not to know: Men are conditioned from birth to seek the approval of women. Most men are raised by women, and most go through elementary school with far more female than men teachers. By the time you get him, your guy has received countless messages, spoken and unspoken, on what women expect from him.

…Chances are he’s well-trained in saying and doing what women want, but not in sharing what he really thinks, needs, and wants. A man often has built-in barriers to being straightaway honest around women. He thinks that if he speaks his mind like he does around guys, he’ll just get himself in trouble — and in a way, he’s probably right! Even passive men tend to be more straightforward with other guys. Many men can rumble through a war of words and be friends soon afterward. Conversely, you may know from experience with other women that female exchanges of harsh words can carry forward emotionally for years and even fatally wound a relationship.

When a man gets into an argument with another man, he pretty much knows what he’s in for: It’s one on one. When he argues with you, it can feel like he’s battling several of you. You’re probably better with words, and he can feel like he’s defending his island against a small army. Experience has taught him that the battle with a woman isn’t over when the words end; an underground campaign against him can go on for weeks, months, even years if he doesn’t toe the line. For some husbands, passive or not, being honest just isn’t worth it.

For most of his life, your man has likely been dependent upon women for a good portion of his happiness and success, and that makes it difficult for him to stand up to you and stay engaged with you. Though he probably doesn’t articulate it, he no doubt feels that if he is completely himself with you, you will reject him. If you want him to be forthright and connected, you need to prove to him that it’s okay for him to speak what’s really on his mind —otherwise intimacy won’t happen. More so, when he does make mistakes, that your love will not be withdrawn from him. He needs to feel comfortable knowing that he does not have to have all the “right” answers —that is, the “right” that is defined by most women. (From the book, Married But Not Engaged, by Paul and Sandy Coughlin)

• Testosterone is a major player in the male. A man has thirty times more testosterone than a woman has. Testosterone drives the sexual desire and may increase competitiveness and aggression. Women secrete oxytocin, which drives them to bond. In conflict a woman may try to bond with her husband. She does this by trying to talk, relate, get her emotions out, and often because she does not understand the differences, she may expect him to function in similar ways. He has to actively work at going to the compartment in his brain that is relational, emotional. He often does not understand this about himself and perceives her advances as pressure to perform. Often this scenario results in misunderstanding, sometimes leading to anger and frustration. (Gary and Carrie Oliver, from the book “Mad About Us”)

• A difference that is a major source of hurt and anger to many women involves making apologies. Many women say “I’m sorry” as a way of making a connection and joining with the other person. It can be another way of saying, “I’m sorry this happened to you” or “I’m sorry you feel so bad —I do too.” For many men saying, “I’m sorry” means admitting that they were wrong and they need to make an apology. They believe this puts them in a one-down position and for many men that is unmasculine and unacceptable.Another difference is the way in which men and women deal with conflict. In an interview, Dr. John Gottman stated that in a marriage,

“Women tend to see it as their responsibility to do something about it. Men tend to withdraw —they’ll work harder, do things with friends instead of family. It’s important for couples to understand this so they don’t attribute problems to one another when the problems really have to do with gender differences.”

(Gary Oliver, from the book, “A Woman’s Forbidden Emotion” by H. Norman Wright and Gary Oliver)

• Men tend to express their hostility through physical violence, while women tend to be more verbally expressive. (Gary Smalley and Steve Scott, from the book, If He Only Knew)

• Visual stimulation is not as strong for women, but the emotional longings and the cravings of our heart and soul for love, intimacy, affection, and attention is just as difficult to deal with as the visual is for men. (Shannon Ethridge)

• Here are some common differences between men and women:

Most MEN seek: Most WOMEN seek:
Facts Feelings, intuition
Solutions Sympathy, relationship
Objective thinking Personal involvement
More distance Closeness

Remember: In 15-20% of homes these “differences” may be switched. (Gary Smalley, From the book, “The Incredible Worth of a Woman”)