This article was prompted by an email we received here at Marriage Missions. It concerns age gap. Should it matter? We have edited it and changed the name to protect the identity of this writer.
Email Concerning Age Gap:
I have an issue on my mind that bothers me about marriages. I have found lately that couples tend to use the differences in ages as a barrier to keep them apart. This is looking into the flesh, rather than what God has planned for them together. Our marriages are supposed to fulfill the purposes God has for us together. I believe that God chooses us as human beings put together to fulfill His purposes.
It’s sad that couples that have the same desire to serve the Lord, are God-fearing, compatible, and have many other healthy ingredients to have a successful marriage, stay apart because of what society thinks of them differing in ages. It’s more so if the man is younger that the woman.
Many Thanks,
A Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned:
You make several excellent points in your letter about this issue. Age differences and the role it plays in marriage can definitely be used in a “fleshly” manner. It can emotionally separate married couples more than it should from a spiritual standpoint.
But unfortunately, we live in a world where divorce is becoming a common way for couples to resolve differences. For that reason we have to be more cautious when entering into marriage.
The age differences aren’t as much of a problem when the couple is younger. It’s amazing how young love can seem to conquer all! But it can become more of a problem later on in life when the couple gets progressively older. That is because the older spouse eventually gets into health and energy issues. Many times the younger spouse this finds too troublesome to deal with in their own stage in life.
The Problem
But in all fairness though, it really can be a problem. I look at the all energy that our younger sons have to do certain things. I can’t even imagine having to do those things at this stage in my life. If I had a younger spouse this would have to be be an issue. And it would definitely cause its share of problems.
Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast, this was something that couples would deal with and not allow to separate them. But that’s not as common in today’s world. It’s tragically sad but true. As a result, there may be some couples (with large age gaps) that God would want to work in and through, that He’s not able to, because of the choices we decide to make. I’m sure this grieves His heart!
So, because of the influence of today’s world on harming marriages, I greatly caution couples contemplating marriage where there is a large age gap. They need to look very prayerfully at the reality of what the upcoming years could bring to challenge their love and commitment. It’s important to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the commitment it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the differences in their ages.
Sometimes It Does Work Out
I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine. They have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous. That’s why I would counsel couples to be VERY sure they’re considering marriage for more reasons than the emotional rush. It’s important to consider the possible “costs” involved up front so they work extra hard in their commitment to each other when difficulties come up. (That goes for ALL marriage, but especially for marriages in this type of situation.)
Love can be very romantic to be involved in before marrying. But true love is “patient, and kind” (as 1 Corinthians 13 talks of) even when your partner doesn’t have the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that you crave to do (as a person who is much younger). They may have done those things earlier in their life together, but their progressing age may change that.
According to 1 Corinthians 13, love “does not envy“ others (who do more youthful activities together or have more things in common than you may have). The interests of a 40 or a 50 year old most often is different than those of a 60 or 70+ year old. Progressing age brings different “problems” with it. When you grow old together, being close to the same age at each stage, it can be somewhat easier to take. But when a 25 year old marries a 45 year old, the gap physically and emotionally grows wider with each passing year. That’s just a reality of life that you need to face!
Not Rude, or Self-Seeking
Love also, is “not rude” (when you see the sags and bags that your spouse may be developing sooner than you are). It also is “not self-seeking”, especially when you realize that your spouse may not be able to “keep up” so many things when you feel a need that they do so.
Love also “is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs” (and is supportive when your spouse is no longer as exciting as they used to be). To see them nodding off to sleep in the next chair when you want to go off socializing together can happen to even younger couples. But it can be even more of a reality as our ages progress. (Of course, there are always exceptions to this. Some 70 year olds lead more vigorous lives than some 30 year olds. But that isn’t usually the norm.)
As the Bible says, love “always perseveres.” Those who marry need to deal with the reality of what they may be getting themselves into later in their marital relationship. If they aren’t sure they could persevere through these (and other trials) then they need to reconsider BEFORE marrying. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Consider the Cost
The Bible talks about “considering the cost” before you do something. In Luke 14, it talks of the person who wants to “build a tower.” It’s important for them to make sure they have enough money to complete it. Otherwise they set themselves up for failure when they aren’t able to finish to completion. It also talks of a king who is about to go out to war. He needs to “consider” if he is able to fight against all obstacles that are against him.
Marriage can be put into the same context. Make sure you and the person you are marrying have considered “the cost” of what you are about to do. If not, the honorable thing to do would be to back away before the marriage —not afterward.
A Commitment for Life
Marriage is meant by God to be a commitment for life even when difficulties develop that deeply strains their “happiness” together. If you don’t both go into marriage with the same steadfast commitment to God to make every marital situation work to the glory of God, I’d advise the couple not to marry. It’s too important to God and should be important to us as well. After all, marriage is supposed to be about God’s kingdom work together!
As Dr Emerson Eggerichs states (which we agree with),
“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. This is not about you. It’s about Christ—becoming as Christ in your character as to how you relate to each other.”
I hope my answer to you will give you some kind of insight into this type of situation. I wish I could paint a different picture of this situation. But this is the way that I see it from a marriage education standpoint —even as a Bible-living Christian.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
PLEASE NOTE:
Since writing this original article it has been pointed out to us that some marriages with large age gaps DO work out well. And that is a great point that I should have stated stronger originally. We don’t want to discourage those who SHOULD marry to hold back. It would not give God the elbow-room to work miracles in situations He has ordained to work this way. And we definitely serve a miracle-working God!
But rather, we want those who are considering entering into this type of marriage to be prepared for the possible problems that could await them. If you’re taking a long journey and you can be better prepared ahead of time, it could work to your benefit. That’s how we hope to help you. If you plan to climb Mount Everest and you didn’t know to take along certain gear that you’d need, you’d be glad to know that ahead of time.
And Yet…
If you’re planning on climbing Mount Everest and you aren’t the type person who could withstand the rigors this type of “journey”, you would be foolish to proceed. A wrong decision could bring devastating results.
Thoughts of marrying someone can be very romantic. It’s easy to think that we can climb over any type of mountain, as long as we’re together. But we need to make sure that we’ve considered ahead of time so we prepare as best we can. Or we need to stop from proceeding any further if that would be best. We hope the above article has done that for you.
For additional information, below are links to articles you can read that may help you in the prayerful decision-making process:
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (part 1)
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (Part 2)
ALSO:
• AGE GAPS IN MARRIAGE: Do They Work?
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
(INDIA) I am 25 year old and deeply in love with 16 year old girl. She is one of our relative. I strongly feel like we are made for each other and I don’t want to loose her just because of this age difference. She is more concerned about this things & she fears if this things can be approved from both parents. But I can’t let her go this way. I have feelings for her since I’ve know her. Every time I think of forgetting her there comes something that pushes me back to think about our relationship. Can I go ahead and convince her for marriage? Can both of lead to a happy married life with 10 years of age difference? Please help me! This problem is eating at me!
(MALAYSIA) Hi, good day everyone. I really need some opinion about my problem. I’m 25 years old and have be friends with 64 years old guy for about 2 years. He treats me really special. I can tell him anything and he will help and try to cheer me up. The problem is when he proposes to me, I’m clueless. Its been 3 times he’s proposed to me. I cannot keep giving the excuse for him to give me time to think. I don’t want to lose him but I’m really CONFUSED. I’m asking my friends and colleagues for their opinions. But it makes me more confused. The guy I’m looking for is the type like him (honest, good listener, mr positive thinker, patient and romantic). He can accept the real me and is always with me whenever I need him. He’s always telling me he LOVES me so much and doesn’t want to lose me.
I told him all about my worries like having kids, family objections, people’s acceptance, and how am I going to explain to my kids when they asking me why their dad is too old. I’m really scared when I think of all of this. I think like this relationship and can’t move on but he keeps making me believe that we can be together as long we LOVE and TRUST each other.
I don’t want to feel regret in future. That’s why I must be sure about my feeling towards him. My best friend is telling me that I can do much better and find a better guy in future and younger than him in future. But I don’t think I’ll meet someone like him. He keeps traveling 4 times in a year just to spend time with me. He really shows his effort and is persistent to be with me.
I feel bad when I can’t give him an answer when he proposes. I don’t know how much time I need to make BIG CHANGES or DIFFERENCES in my life.
I will be glad if I can have some thoughts and not bad judgement. Feel free to point out your opinions, but please don’t make judgement on me. May God bless everyone of us! Have a great day ahead. Bye 4 now .n_n.
Simply say NO. No more explanations. 40 yr age gap is not acceptable. I’m sorry.
(INDIA) I am in love with a girl of who is 14. We are really in love with each other. My age is 32. We discuss about this age difference; I really love her… she also loves me. She has little problems with her age. I have never touched her. Please write an answer to me… I can’t live without her.
(INDIA) Yes you certainly can have him as your partner, first and foremost ensure that he is not married. And make gestures that would indicate that you are head over the heels in love with him, rather than approaching directly and spilling the beans by proposing your love, which would fails miserably. Try and become his friend and show him that you care. By and by, seeing your love and affection the man may just give in and fall in love in all possibilities. Try your luck while preparing for the worst, because you never know it could go either ways.
For centuries we have had older men marrying younger women and vice-versa. in the recent times in India we have had instances of people marrying their partners who were way too younger than their spouse. for example, yesteryears film actor dilip kumar 44 married 22 year old sairu banu and their marriage was very succesfull despite the fact that the man is not alive anymore. and also another example of big marriage gap was that of rajesh khana 40 and dimple 24. that one was succesfull too, they have two lovely daughters twinkle and rinky khanna. so don’t you worry because what matters is love and not the opinion of the world around you. you would need tremoundous courage to stand up and do what your instinct says. as far as love and marriage is concerned age shoudn’t be a barrier. just go ahead and all the best. Cheers!
(AUSTRALIA) Hi – I am a 42 yr old Australian professional woman (Slavic/Christian background) who is very attracted to a 30 yr old recently arrived Iranian man (Christian). I was immediately attracted to him – for his kind and thoughtful demeanour. We have enjoyed talking/spending time together since. We have many life experiences in common -we are both the youngest, have cared for our dying mothers, like romance and adventure, have fair looks, and like to have fun.
I want to tell him I like him a lot and that I want to be his girlfriend, but I am worried he will reject me because of my age. It is heartening to read previous posts that a good age rule is 5-15 years and that age does not matter – values and personality do. We have both suffered much and I want to look after him and help him to get a good job. Still, I would be devastated if he thought I was a fool to even think of expressing my true feelings to him. I have already lost one partner in a tragic death. Could you please help me? To those who know Iranian culture, is there a high chance he would reject me if I said I liked him a lot, or not? Ruby
(UNITED KINGDOM) I recently married a man 20 years my senior. We’ve been together for 3 years, and decided marriage would be a wonderful step to take together.
Although there are obviously problems that can arise from such an age gap (getting confused for his daughter, on occasion) we manage to sort out these differences with ease. We have a lot in common, and things we see differently just add strengths to our conversations. I don’t think that age gap should be any reason to stop yourself from being with the person you love.
(USA) It’s funny how in the original letter the author made the statement (in summary) about how the fleshly world view prevents or stereotypes those of a different generation yet with the great similarities etc to not want to commit. Then you slighlty agreed, then you went on to justify the decisions of the world. In so many of your statements you refer to the “we live in a day and age when”…kind of answer, as if to imply that that is what should determine the outcome, versus God’s allowed standard of love….
(KENYA) We are in love. Both of us love each other. I am younger than her by about 15 years. I am very okay with the age because I find myself mature than my age-mates. My sweetheart also comments to me about that. The only fear is with her. She thinks we need advice from an authority. Please advise.
(INDIA) I am 23 years old and I’m a muslim. I am in love with my best friend who is 22 years old and he is a Christian… We both love each other very much. We’ve planned to get married after sometime, since we just completed our graduation.
We know that our families will not support us for sure, but we can’t live without each other. We always think age has nothing to do with a relationship, all that matters is the love, trust, honesty, and care between two hearts. I just wanted to know whether we’ll face any problems in our relationship in the future. I mean is there any possibility of problems that are likely to occur?
(INDIA) Hi Friend, please give me an advise. I have a perfect love with my girlfriend, but she is 6 months older than me. She is now 27. I am at the age of 26. While I approached her for the relationship of marriage, she worries about the age difference. Please advise us. We understand both well, we know each others family, and I think she worries only about the age difference, and I cannot let her alone, for this reason. Is there any sexual issue or any other problem? Regards, Julian
I guess I don’t understand the problem with your “age difference.” 6 months is not a big deal –whether the man is older or the woman is older. Is she thinking she won’t marry unless she finds someone born on her birthday –the same year? If so, she’ll probably never get married. In actuality, the woman usually lives longer than the man, so if she is 6 months older, that’s not a bad thing at all. It’s ok for a woman to be a bit older than a man, as long as there is a similar maturity level, commitment to work differences out together and both are people of good character –honest, caring and such.
(NIGERIA) I am 24 yrs old and I’m deeply in love with a girl of 24 yrs but I am older than her by 8 months; we promise to get married. Could this be a barrier to us getting married to each other?
(IRAN) Hello! I’m in love with a man who is 39 years older than me. His age does not matter for me at all. He loves me and I love him. He understands me well and we respect each other. We both have a great time when we are together. I do enjoy being with him and he does. My biggest problem is my family, I don’t know how I can convince them to accept him. Any good advice?
(NIGERIA) I am 28 yrs, just found a girl 4 yrs older than me. She understands me, respects and listens to me and I am willing to spend my life with her because I’ve decided to love her and I do. I’ve been observing her. She is my friend, which I can propose to. Please help me. Are there any implication? Considering the age difference.
Chris, 4 years is not much of an age gap (no matter who is the older one), unless there is a maturity gap going on between you where one of you is acting immature. That can happen at any age. Please read through the topic, “Is He or She the One” to prayerfully consider whether she is the type of person you can love for the rest of your life — one who will be committed to you and to your marriage relationship when things get tough (not one who will dump out when things get tough), which they do in every marriage. It’s during those times that you “decide to love” your spouse “for better or worse” and apply yourself to do so. Don’t marry and take your spouse for granted, but continue to grow your love and commitment. If you marry, keep deciding to love. I pray wisdom for you.
(GHANA) I am 22, in love with a guy one year older than me. But my parents don’t approve of it but rather are forcing me to marry a 37 year old man. It just disgusts me and I am so confused. Please, what should I do?
(INDIA) Hi, I am in deep love with a girl aged 25 yrs but I am only 20 at this moment. We both love each other! If I don’t marry her by next year, her parents might get her married to someone else. Even her parents don’t know anything about us! I want to marry her, but will this decision brings an end to my career? Will I not be able to do anything after our marriage? How adversely can it affect our families? What should I do?