This article was prompted by an email we received here at Marriage Missions. It concerns age gap. Should it matter? We have edited it and changed the name to protect the identity of this writer.
Email Concerning Age Gap:
I have an issue on my mind that bothers me about marriages. I have found lately that couples tend to use the differences in ages as a barrier to keep them apart. This is looking into the flesh, rather than what God has planned for them together. Our marriages are supposed to fulfill the purposes God has for us together. I believe that God chooses us as human beings put together to fulfill His purposes.
It’s sad that couples that have the same desire to serve the Lord, are God-fearing, compatible, and have many other healthy ingredients to have a successful marriage, stay apart because of what society thinks of them differing in ages. It’s more so if the man is younger that the woman.
Many Thanks,
A Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned:
You make several excellent points in your letter about this issue. Age differences and the role it plays in marriage can definitely be used in a “fleshly” manner. It can emotionally separate married couples more than it should from a spiritual standpoint.
But unfortunately, we live in a world where divorce is becoming a common way for couples to resolve differences. For that reason we have to be more cautious when entering into marriage.
The age differences aren’t as much of a problem when the couple is younger. It’s amazing how young love can seem to conquer all! But it can become more of a problem later on in life when the couple gets progressively older. That is because the older spouse eventually gets into health and energy issues. Many times the younger spouse this finds too troublesome to deal with in their own stage in life.
The Problem
But in all fairness though, it really can be a problem. I look at the all energy that our younger sons have to do certain things. I can’t even imagine having to do those things at this stage in my life. If I had a younger spouse this would have to be be an issue. And it would definitely cause its share of problems.
Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast, this was something that couples would deal with and not allow to separate them. But that’s not as common in today’s world. It’s tragically sad but true. As a result, there may be some couples (with large age gaps) that God would want to work in and through, that He’s not able to, because of the choices we decide to make. I’m sure this grieves His heart!
So, because of the influence of today’s world on harming marriages, I greatly caution couples contemplating marriage where there is a large age gap. They need to look very prayerfully at the reality of what the upcoming years could bring to challenge their love and commitment. It’s important to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the commitment it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the differences in their ages.
Sometimes It Does Work Out
I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine. They have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous. That’s why I would counsel couples to be VERY sure they’re considering marriage for more reasons than the emotional rush. It’s important to consider the possible “costs” involved up front so they work extra hard in their commitment to each other when difficulties come up. (That goes for ALL marriage, but especially for marriages in this type of situation.)
Love can be very romantic to be involved in before marrying. But true love is “patient, and kind” (as 1 Corinthians 13 talks of) even when your partner doesn’t have the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that you crave to do (as a person who is much younger). They may have done those things earlier in their life together, but their progressing age may change that.
According to 1 Corinthians 13, love “does not envy“ others (who do more youthful activities together or have more things in common than you may have). The interests of a 40 or a 50 year old most often is different than those of a 60 or 70+ year old. Progressing age brings different “problems” with it. When you grow old together, being close to the same age at each stage, it can be somewhat easier to take. But when a 25 year old marries a 45 year old, the gap physically and emotionally grows wider with each passing year. That’s just a reality of life that you need to face!
Not Rude, or Self-Seeking
Love also, is “not rude” (when you see the sags and bags that your spouse may be developing sooner than you are). It also is “not self-seeking”, especially when you realize that your spouse may not be able to “keep up” so many things when you feel a need that they do so.
Love also “is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs” (and is supportive when your spouse is no longer as exciting as they used to be). To see them nodding off to sleep in the next chair when you want to go off socializing together can happen to even younger couples. But it can be even more of a reality as our ages progress. (Of course, there are always exceptions to this. Some 70 year olds lead more vigorous lives than some 30 year olds. But that isn’t usually the norm.)
As the Bible says, love “always perseveres.” Those who marry need to deal with the reality of what they may be getting themselves into later in their marital relationship. If they aren’t sure they could persevere through these (and other trials) then they need to reconsider BEFORE marrying. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Consider the Cost
The Bible talks about “considering the cost” before you do something. In Luke 14, it talks of the person who wants to “build a tower.” It’s important for them to make sure they have enough money to complete it. Otherwise they set themselves up for failure when they aren’t able to finish to completion. It also talks of a king who is about to go out to war. He needs to “consider” if he is able to fight against all obstacles that are against him.
Marriage can be put into the same context. Make sure you and the person you are marrying have considered “the cost” of what you are about to do. If not, the honorable thing to do would be to back away before the marriage —not afterward.
A Commitment for Life
Marriage is meant by God to be a commitment for life even when difficulties develop that deeply strains their “happiness” together. If you don’t both go into marriage with the same steadfast commitment to God to make every marital situation work to the glory of God, I’d advise the couple not to marry. It’s too important to God and should be important to us as well. After all, marriage is supposed to be about God’s kingdom work together!
As Dr Emerson Eggerichs states (which we agree with),
“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. This is not about you. It’s about Christ—becoming as Christ in your character as to how you relate to each other.”
I hope my answer to you will give you some kind of insight into this type of situation. I wish I could paint a different picture of this situation. But this is the way that I see it from a marriage education standpoint —even as a Bible-living Christian.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
PLEASE NOTE:
Since writing this original article it has been pointed out to us that some marriages with large age gaps DO work out well. And that is a great point that I should have stated stronger originally. We don’t want to discourage those who SHOULD marry to hold back. It would not give God the elbow-room to work miracles in situations He has ordained to work this way. And we definitely serve a miracle-working God!
But rather, we want those who are considering entering into this type of marriage to be prepared for the possible problems that could await them. If you’re taking a long journey and you can be better prepared ahead of time, it could work to your benefit. That’s how we hope to help you. If you plan to climb Mount Everest and you didn’t know to take along certain gear that you’d need, you’d be glad to know that ahead of time.
And Yet…
If you’re planning on climbing Mount Everest and you aren’t the type person who could withstand the rigors this type of “journey”, you would be foolish to proceed. A wrong decision could bring devastating results.
Thoughts of marrying someone can be very romantic. It’s easy to think that we can climb over any type of mountain, as long as we’re together. But we need to make sure that we’ve considered ahead of time so we prepare as best we can. Or we need to stop from proceeding any further if that would be best. We hope the above article has done that for you.
For additional information, below are links to articles you can read that may help you in the prayerful decision-making process:
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (part 1)
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (Part 2)
ALSO:
• AGE GAPS IN MARRIAGE: Do They Work?
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
(NIGERIA) I a am 34 year old woman and am in love with a 26 year old man. He loves me and wants to marry me. Please, what should I do? I need help.
(INDIA) Dear friends, I am in love with a girl who is 16 year old. I’m 30 years old. Any problem with 14 year age gap to marry?
(USA) My father left my mother for a woman 38 years younger than him. It was immoral that he left my mom for another woman but he and the other woman had a good relationship that lasted until the end of his life. I know of another couple which was an over 40 year age difference. One being in their early teens and the other in their 50’s when they got married. They raised 3 children together and were happily married for over 30 years until the death of the husband.
(KENYA) I fell in love with a man TWO years younger than I. Our relationship was not physical but we shared a very strong emotional bond (we are both very committed to abstaining until marriage). We were very close for almost one year. He could not handle the age difference hence, he decided to end the relationship. I admit I was very hurt, however I understood after examining things from his point of view. The maslows hierarchy of needs is very important for a man. He was not working while I was in an established career. He wanted to be able to put a roof over our head, food on the table for the kids and a sense of security. Though for me it didn’t matter (money and all that) cause I know it is GOD who gives wealth and prosperity and in HIS time he makes manifest, to this man it was very important. I am moving on one day at a time and my heart is healing. I am trusting GOD for a spouse.
(TANZANIA) In most cases other factors other than age differences leads to problems in marriages…however in my opinion the differences should not be too much like that of more than 10 yrs.
(MALAYSIA) It feels really good to have some point of view when you are confused, but when there is too much input… it gives a lot of headaches. My 64 years old boyfriend is serious to make me his wife. After we consider all obstacles and chat about our future plan he is more flexible about my career planning and our future lifestyle. Now, I understand what my friend said “love is blind”.
I used to choose a boyfriend based on looks back then, but now… I don’t want a handsome, rich or whatever “Mr Right” is that everyone used to dream about before. Each of us has different taste, and for me… I’m happy to have someone to be with, listen to me, be patient and give me support for what I’m doing. I had enough of being used and cheated on in the past. It’s time to close the old book and start new life. The 38 years old age gap different (26 f & 64 m) won’t make any difference if you love and accept him as he is. “I love you JUST the way you are” really has deep meaning. Wish you all the best in your love relationship.
(INDIA) I am 24 and my girlfriend is 28. Is this age ok to have a long last relationship in an arranged marriage? Please reply, if possible. I would like to talk to you guys. There are many thing to say, but not by msg. I need help.
(USA) I am 59 (never married) and I’m seeing a 32 year old woman with a 13 year old son. The relationship is fantastic. We do so many things together and love one another’s company. We have been seeing for 7 months now -I love doing things for her. Her son and I get along better than he gets along with his dad. We can go for long walks, or just sit by fireplace and hold hands. Both of us love the relationship we have.
(INDIA) Yes, I believe that age age does not matter for marriage. I too am looking for a girl –one who is 6 years older then.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m 24 yr old man. I have been in love with a 23 yr old lady and her 3 yr old daughter for the past one year; she is now 4 months pregnant. Is this a problem for me to marry her for my future?
(NIGERIA) I am a 25 year old lady and my fiancé is 38, My folks think he is too old and won’t approve of the marriage. I am still calling on the name of The Lord to intervene. We have been together for 3 years. Personally I do not have an issue with the age because I love him but I also know that love is not enough.
He is young at heart, doesn’t look his age, we share similar interests (I’m not very outgoing, love to stay at home and just travel). My mum has mentioned that as we age our interests will differ and this will lead to conflicts. Reading this write up just makes me worry even more as the author clearly isn’t in support of large age gaps. Would you generally consider the age gap too large? Are there chances that God never matches individuals with large age gaps? As believers we shouldn’t moved by sight.
(IRAN) I’m in love with a man who is 42 and I’m 22. We both are very happy together but we both are scared of the future. My relatives are not satisfied with my relationship/my mom is very unhappy about this. I’m very counfused and tired of conflicts with my mother about this. I love him very much maybe because I didnt have any good relationship with my father and now I feel he makes me safe and secure; also he’s very kind, smart and succesful man. Well, I’m very happy when I’m with him and we enjoy all we have together but I’m very worried because of my parents cause I know they don’t want me to marry him and I don’t know what to do. Please help me guys.
(USA) You are in love with this man. But what happens when everything settles down? The truth is in 30 years you will be 50 and he will be 70. You may be a widow at the age of 55. You may not be able to have sex with him past the age of 50. That’s an important emotional need. Plus, he may have to enter a nursing home long before you. Then he isn’t making you feel safe and secure anymore. Then it’s your responsibility.
You need to think very carefully. Listen to advice of others.
(INDIA) I am 27 and girl is 15… that is a 12 year difference!! So… is this age ok to marry???
(USA) The problem is that you are marrying a child. Her brain is not yet fully developed. So you need to understand that. Is this pre arranged marriage?
If you get married then read His Needs, Her Needs
by Dr Bill Harley. It will help you meet her emotional needs and have a romantic marriage with her. The first few years (10 years) will be challenging. It’s important you have a plan on how to encounter childish ideas while still making her feel validated.
Appu, She is still a child –one who needs some time to grow up and experience her youth and grow into maturity so she is better prepared for grown-up matters. Even though she may not look like a child or appear to act like one most of the time, she hasn’t had enough life experiences and the ability to live out her youth to be ready to marry. Sure, there are some children who marry at this age. But that doesn’t mean that they should. Marriage is for grown-ups. Let those who are young, grow up first in years and maturity and then see if they can handle all that will come their way. Marriage can be wonderful, but if you aren’t mature and ready enough to handle all that comes with it, it becomes all the more difficult for everyone –especially this young one.
Please don’t let your age determine her readiness (even if she swears she is ready –lots of people can swear that, but that doesn’t mean that they are). 12 years is a large age gap for two adults. But you put an adult and child into the mix and she will be forced into growing up faster than she should. You will be in more of a father role, than a husband. That’s not a good mix for a marriage. Marriage is about partnership –not parenting the other. Please pray about this.
Please do not; there is wise advice on this page. Girls should wait until they are at least 18 years old before they marry. I am a 36 year old woman and I feel strongly about your question. You may not know it yet but it’s not good for you or her and I’d say not good for her at all, as she is still only a child. The older both parties are, the less of a concern the ‘age gap’ becomes.
(INDIA) I am loving a Girl age is 18 and my age is 25… that is a 7 year difference!! So… is this age ok to marry???
RosMine, Again, I’ll say it, maturity of BOTH partners and readiness to commit to a lifelong commitment is more important than a few years here and there. 18 is pretty young to be that committed, but I don’t know her either. Some people can be more mature. 7 years isn’t that much of a spread of years if both people are mature, committed, ready to deal with the hard stuff that marriage brings, and they have truly worked through the big emotional issues that can later cause problems in their relationship.
If you love each other, than have the patience to finish school. If your love is eternal then the both of you will be able to wait for marriage to make sure your set up for success first. The #1 conflict in marriage is financial stress. Set yourself up for financial stability. It will take a lot of pressure off of you in the future. Take this from someone who got married young, and it didn’t work out. I’m now looking at a potential relationship with someone much younger than myself but in order to remove certain stresses it’s important that I now finish school, and so does she.
Look at it like this. There are many stresses in the world, not all of them can be avoided, but many of them can be moved into a position where where they won’t have as big of an impact on your relationship. Put God First, seek is timing and don’t just operate on what you think love is, operate on what it it actually is. Read 1Corinthians 13 and be patient. The charismatics there will tell you how love functions. It’s not a feeling, rather actions based on the feeling.
Please pray about this. It may not be the best thing to do. However if she is very mature, has finished school and feels ready to handle responsibility, there may be a chance. I will generally encourage waiting until at least 21 years old before a girl gets married. Cindy Wright’s advice below here is valuable.
(IRAN) Please consider the fact that there are huge differences between a man and a woman. Men might be attracted to younger women even at age of 60+, so if there is no age gap between the two partners, then it may result in betrayal, etc.
In my point of view age gap should be between 5 to 12 years, when the man is older. On the other hand, generally girls attain maturity in younger ages compared to men, as in average girls are 6 years prior to boys. For example a 20 year old girl is as mature as a 26 year old boy.
(IR) I’m three years older than my boyfriend and we plan to marry. We have a lot in common and understand each other. I’m 26 while he’s 23. Do you think that we’ll have problem in future? What should I do?
(IRAN) Shiva, Please note that marriage is a long term relationship and men are so much different from women, at first you may find it easy, but gradually you will face problems, you should look for a man who is 5 to 10 years older than you based on mutual understanding as well.