One response to “Arguing Tips – Drs Les and Leslie Parrott”
(USA) I believe that this is good advice, especially if the spouses are used to communicating in a much more direct, aggressive, and attacking oriented method. It can be a good starting point. However, this advice is very common as Les had pointed out and I have seen it all over marriage resource materials, but it is very limited in scope as well. It only works well initially and if (and only if) the other spouse ultimately responds responsibly and maturely.
For example, what do you do when the spouse does not respond, over weeks or even years, to your “I” statement, such as “I feel disorganized when the house is dirty, etc…” What do you do when the spouse basically says “I do not feel the same way.” or “I do not place the same importance on this issue as you do.” (although it is making the other spouse miserable, could introduce health concerns, insect problems, etc… that the other spouse will ultimately have to fix.)
The “I” statements may work better for some from a standpoint of diplomacy. However, in a culture where subjective feelings rule over objective truth -it is not always a matter of “I feel this way or that way”. A sloppy, disorganized spouse (in our example here) may truly be just that -a sloppy, disorganized spouse who lacks proper training in their upbringing. And that is the truth that may they may have to overcome. And this is never easy!
(USA) I believe that this is good advice, especially if the spouses are used to communicating in a much more direct, aggressive, and attacking oriented method. It can be a good starting point. However, this advice is very common as Les had pointed out and I have seen it all over marriage resource materials, but it is very limited in scope as well. It only works well initially and if (and only if) the other spouse ultimately responds responsibly and maturely.
For example, what do you do when the spouse does not respond, over weeks or even years, to your “I” statement, such as “I feel disorganized when the house is dirty, etc…” What do you do when the spouse basically says “I do not feel the same way.” or “I do not place the same importance on this issue as you do.” (although it is making the other spouse miserable, could introduce health concerns, insect problems, etc… that the other spouse will ultimately have to fix.)
The “I” statements may work better for some from a standpoint of diplomacy. However, in a culture where subjective feelings rule over objective truth -it is not always a matter of “I feel this way or that way”. A sloppy, disorganized spouse (in our example here) may truly be just that -a sloppy, disorganized spouse who lacks proper training in their upbringing. And that is the truth that may they may have to overcome. And this is never easy!