Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him. And with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once” (from Proverbs 7).
Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”
Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. Men tend to think of life as a competition and a battle. They can energetically fight it out if they can come home to someone who supports them unconditionally. They need someone who will wipe their brow and tell them they can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”
Don’t tear him down!
If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.
But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.
I’ll bet the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.
He’ll seek affirmation somewhere
If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game. Or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office. He may feel like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.
“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal. I also feel this when she brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”
Need Affirmation
During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”
If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies —it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits —but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.
Create a safety zone
Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.
If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.
We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
The gift of confidence
I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”
We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy. We would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.
In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear.
Speaking about his mother, he wrote:
Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.
A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers.” They crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. Also, it’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.
This article comes from the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
— ALSO —
There is also available: For Women Only Discussion Guide: A Companion to the Bestseller about the Inner Lives of Men. This book is written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, and is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups. It can even be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to equip you in your own life.
Filed under: For Married Women
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so rudely awakened because of the blatant truth from this article. I always felt like my husband does not have enough time for me and puts more priority on work, sports and his cellphone. I have experienced the joy of his reaction when I affirm and the negativity when I nag. I can just say I am challenged by this article. I thank you for a most wonderful website. I have gone through various challenges in my life (including my marriage) and have found so much comfort and answers from this website. May God bless you.
Yes, it is a help. Keeping the peace, helping your spouse do his best –these are all very necessary over a loooooonnnnnng (that’s a ‘long’) period of time before we get it back.
(USA) I read the first part of this article… and oh how it hit home: An ex girlfriend of my husband has contacted him a year ago on his birthday via email and contacted him again this past month. I found a note that he was typing on the internet the morning after. It had to do with some advice that she wanted about some married couple that they both knew and of course when I found it I was just blown away!
When confronting my husband, he was not happy I came upon it and goes on to tell me that it is not anything at all and it was only the second time. The first was a happy birthday and this is all taking place 10 years after he broke up with her… I have been sick over it and it showed for about 2 and half weeks. What I read about in this article is certainly hitting home. I will never know whether or not it has ended and matter of fact very upset with me that it effected me the way it did. But I plan on buying the book and reading further.
(USA) This is so true! We have been married just under 2 yrs now. I thought our life was good, but for him, it wasn’t. 18 months ago, when we were having issues with his son, he started reaching out to other women, not one, not two, but many, primarily via the internet. All seemingly innocent conversations, but understandably, it was very upsetting to me.
It has taken us a year to get to this point, where his need for affirmation has been nailed down as to why he does this. He is now in counseling and I am learning that I need to be verbal in my praise of him. We are opposites. I crave someone to do things for me; he craves verbal attention. We are now rebuilding our relationship, including my trust in him. With the knowledge that his needs must be met, we stand a chance.
To anyone else in this boat, take heart. Know that if you meet his needs for affirmation, your marriage will thrive! It is not a sign of weakness to give affirmation, it is a symbol of your love for him.
(USA) I can see this point of view. However, why is it ALWAYS about men not feeling appreciated and going elsewhere when women are forever and a day juggling work, kids, home and husband day in and out… often without feeling appreciated. You don’t see women running down Joe, Don, and John over it…
(USA) PJ, I totally agree with you. Women have to juggle jobs, homes, children, church functions and husbands. We don’t always get verbal approval or kudos… We just diligently work knowing that we’ve done the best we could. Why do men need so much “cheerleading”? I appreciate my husband. I believe he appreciates me, but he doesn’t spend time telling me that. I don’t lose sleep or esteem because he doesn’t. I just don’t know why they are so needy.
(DUVAL) I agree with you. Why are we the one who puts up with doing all of our part and not complain when they get to have a pat on the back? What about how we feel mentally, physically, and emotionally? We always get over looked. Me and my husband will be married a year on the 27 & I feel I’m always the one busting my but putting him first, doing things I don’t want to, do just to please him. Well, my needs get put on hold until he feel like I’m doing his needs.
I’m left feeling empty and just out of place when we argue. He wants to tell me how he needs this and that. In this I do that and he still finds something else to say. It’s like an on-going thing. He has needs and I’m all burned out. We have a big family. I have 3 kids and he has one but we also have one on the way and we have baby-mama drama from the little girl’s mom and I just sick of it all. Anyone with any advice?
The baby’s mama is not slowing him from seeing his child because she says he got married. Must I remind you they were broken up four years before me and my husband met. Now is she giving him trouble and he’s taking it out on me and blaming me for what I’m not doing when he needs to tell her what she is not doing. I just feel like he jumps down my throat but gives her the leeway. She’s at the school telling the people I took her family and I’m pregnant now. I’m just about over this as to what to do. I feel like walking out on my husband. The pressure just too much!!
(USA) That’s exactly what I was thinking… I work hard at home and at work and he needs a cheerleader or he strays? Come on. What about both spouses being supportive? Why is it that work and home are my top priority but he needs fanfare to keep his priorities straight.
(CANADA) I agree with one other person here that this is not a gender issue. You mention that women juggle so many different things without demanding affirmation… ummmm, really?
Men also juggle spouse, children, job, meals, playing taxi driver etc. Gone are the days of the 50’s and 60’s that separated gender specific relationship responsibilities. Women also look for affirmation constantly and when they don’t get it from their spouses, they DO turn to other forms to feel appreciated.
This is a VERY good article that describes relationship needs for BOTH men and women. I believe it’s HUMAN to need affirmation from the ones that are closest to us. If the people who love us can’t SHOW us they love us…
Maybe men do need to hear it and be shown more, so what?? Why is that such a bad thing?
Just an FYI. I show my partner constantly how much I appreciate her. Unfortunately I’m the one that doesn’t receive the same in return.
Sorry Andy, in reality, men do not juggle anything. You all go to work then you have your leisure activities. The things you might help with after wife has initiated or told you to help with, is not called juggling. And you all say women nag. We don’t nag. We just get tired begging, oops :), asking for help for things that you all are part of anyway. You men want clean clothes and eat just like the rest of the family. And you all are the ones who need affirming? And you all are the ones who want respect? For what? For being spoiled attitude men. Women do everything. Give us some affirmations. Give us some praise.
Tell us again about what men juggle. Now, after a wife has worked away from the home all day then picks up the kids and chases the baby around the floor, while she washes the laundry and talks to your mom on the phone, who she can’t ignore because then she will say she is not a respectful daughter in law, then she has to breastfeed the baby and start the meal. Then her husband walks in and believe it or not, he is his looking for affirmation and respect and attention so that he won’t what? Cheat.
Hi Jean and Andy. I cannot resist chiming in here. Your conversation sounds like it might go south so I thought I would just point out one thing: Jean is absolutely right that men don’t juggle; and Andy is right in that he feels he does a lot. What Jean means by juggling is that we are the ones who MANAGE the thing, meaning, ultimately, the responsiblity falls on us to make sure everything in the home gets done.
I know some men may jump up and down and say that this is not always true but trust me, if it’s not true it’s because you have a wife who isn’t doing her job. What Andy means by feeling that he juggles, is that if he is asked to do anything other than what Jean says (work and come home to leisure) he feels that he has a lot on his plate. Then he expects to be patted on the back.
I find it interesting that folks would suggest that a good strategy in marriage is to discount the stated views and needs of their spouse. I.E. if your spouse says that he or she feels pulled in multiple directions, how does it strengthen the marriage to suggest that what they are saying isn’t really true, or “it’s worse for me?”
How does that sort of comparison demonstrate love or respect for your spouse? If your spouse he or she wants affirmation in a specific way, who is any of us to tell them that God made them the wrong way?
After all, if anyone is suggesting that men are too shallow, or that women are too emotional, or any such disrespectful comment, are you not in essence saying “God made you wrong, or inferior?”
What? Jean, you have no clue what you wrote. I am a man, married for 28 yrs. I can’t see my life without my wife. I love her more than my life. She gave me two wonderful sons and a daughter. With those children came a title call DAD. I’ll tell you one thing, there is nothing left of me with the things I haven’t done for my wife to have peace. It is only a “one way street.”
I clean the entire house – inside outside; you name it, after I’ve already worked 16 hrs. I come home and eat bread some nights; that would be one meal for entire day. I gave up my brothers & sisters, mom & dad and I have no friends and extended family so my children didn’t get crushed for no reason.
My son soon to be a CHP or police officer, is a fine young man. He got a diploma in criminal justice. My daughter will attend state college soon… a straight A student all her life, a daughter who put her life on the train track with an oncoming train going 75 mph towards a stalled SUV on the Amtrak track. Seconds from impact she got out, but her mom was still in the SUV (my wife). My daughter at age 11, came back to get her mom a little too late. The train collided with both of them in the car.
Proudly I gave up everything and the chance be given, will give up my freedom for my wife, daughter, and son. I am glad I did to hold a FAMILY together. Both my wife and my daughter survived without a broken bone. She is now grown up. So what you did more or vise versa, there is no scale to be balanced. My wife calls me every name in the book. Names don’t hurt me, I know who I am. You or no one has to remind me unless I am mentally gone. Cut out the nonsense and use your sixth sense, which is COMMON SENSE. I AM PROUD TO BE A HUSBAND AND DAD TO A WONDERFUL FAMILY. I AM VERY HAPPY AND LAUGH OFF the names I hear. That doesn’t make me any less or more of a man.
(CANADA) Yes, we all need affirmation. But there are areas where men and women are different. We should be sensitive to those differences and be able to celebrate that we are not the same. Come on guys, you do need more affirmation than us. And women need to feel more cherished. Men need to be respected where women need to be loved. Although we are all human, we have some strengths that the other gender doesn’t have. Even physically, the role we play in a healthy relationship. Is much different and as a result the two are able to come together in an amazing God given way.
Saying that. For all of those women out there that are giving too much to their families and others I recommend the book “The Emotionally Healthy Woman” by Geri Scazzero. Change is not easy. But if you can dig deep and get some support, we can at least change ourselves. We are not helpless.
Another one that I have found to be very helpful is “Alone in Marriage.” Guys, you can also be really blessed by this book. In all things do not lose hope. I understand that the longer your in patterns of dysfunction. The more difficult change comes. Go to God and ask for courage and resilience. And choose to change.
(USA) PJ, sure you do. For every man having an affair, there is a woman right there with him. Women cheat, and in numbers likely equal to men. Unless of course, you are saying men are having affairs with other men. These women are looking for many of the same things men are, which is that affirmation.
So don’t buy the lie that men are more morally corrupt than women. Cheating is not a gender trait, it’s a character issue. Folks with bad character are equally represented in both genders. Scripture says we are ALL sinners, and ALL fall short of the glory of God.
Just ask me, I was a betrayed husband. My ex-wife cheated and divorced and now is largely alone. It’s not just men who do this. Women are in on the act too.
(KENYA) Affirm him? Who affirms me? I wake up every morning, juggle 3 babies aged 1, 3 and 5, make sure one goes to school and the others are taken care of by 2 maids whose salaries I pay and I go to work till 6 pm every day. I got this job this year in April after having been retrenched in January when I was on maternity leave. Before I got this job, I was at home and found a business idea which when I prenseted it to him. I was told I cannot work but in the last 2 months that Idea has generated roughly 30% of what I am making at my full time job. In February this year, My son had to go for a heart operation in India and my husband refused to go saying that I would have to go. I did because it was my child I was looking out for. This year, I have not had my husband say Janet, well done, you have done well or even give me a hug for what I have gone through.
He has cheated on me when I was pregnant, and He is flirting with another now> How come I haven’t gotten out of my house to look for someone to affirm me?
(USA) Hi Janet, Unfortunately, the current world will never be fair because of the presence of the devil working through the people we love. But there is a promise for a stress-free everlasting life through the blood of Jesus Christ. We wouldn’t be happy without that hope because the world is a mess full of adulterers, selfish people etc.
But we can live our lives right now with a better understanding of what is to come, bearing in mind that all the problems we have are temporary and God can see everything from above. Our justification comes from him alone. So let us prepare ourselves for the future by our contact regardless of the hardships we face or how others treat us “do everything as unto the Lord”. Even if your husband is cold to you or unappreciative, you know God has your reward. So God is your affirmer. If you please God, its all good for you now and forever.
We are the light of the world. It may not make sense to be good to those who wrong us but we should remember that God loved us and still does despite our many sins. Don’t repay evil with evil for you will miss out on the wonderful promises to come.
Save yourself more pain by establishing a good relationship with God. Your husband may fail you but the Lord never will. All you do should, therefore, be a dedication to God. You have done very well for your family so far.
(USA) Hi Janet, First of all let me say that I am so sorry for what you have gone through. :( I don’t think this article is suggesting that if your husband cheats it is because you haven’t affirmed him enough. I think it is saying that in situations where wives do not affirm and encourage their husbands, the husband will be open to temptation from other women who will do that. I know that through my darkest times, I am grateful that there was no other woman, no “friend” in my life that was a woman and who made me feel appreciated. It would have been a huge, huge temptation.
I remember a wise counselor once told me… people don’t make other people sin. We sin, and our sin reveals the sin in the heart of other people in how they react to our sin. You didn’t make your husband cheat, nor did he make you bitter in response to what he has done or hasn’t done. But we all do things that make it hard for each other, and sometimes we ignore those things because we are so active and responsible in other areas.
I used to do so much for my wife (and I still do), and it made me feel entitled, like “who is she to complain about me? She is just selfish!” But in truth, I was neglecting certain areas of our marriage -partly because I was not dealing with things but instead hiding and withdrawing from them. Did that “make” her do any of the things she did to me? No. But neither did all of my “good deeds” make me somehow more deserving of, or entitled to, a perfect little life.
So sorry for what you have endured. I pray he wakes up, and I pray you do, too, where the Lord wants you to.
(USA) I feel so sad reading Janet’s message. My reaction was similar to that of PJ and Janet. The article is one sided. Women need affirmation every bit as much as men do, and get it less than men do, in most societies. It especially bothers me that Christian websites put forth these ideas that are so threatening to the happiness of women. I am a devout Christian and I know scripture well. There is no place in the New Testament anywhere that Jesus puts women down or places the burden of a man’s sin on a woman.
Ask the men who do not feel appreciated whether they continue to court their wives? If a man flirts with young attractive women at the office he may receive a shallow, superficial kind of affirmation, but at the expense of his wife. If men are competitive, women are intuitive and will sense the wandering attention. Add to that the pressures of work outside the home that a woman may have, the drudgery of house work, the sleep deprivation of child care and a woman will definitely become resentful if she is not only not appreciated for all of the thankless work she does, but actually finds that she has become boring to her husband who prefers the company of co-workers because his wife’s life is filled with tasks that are important but not stimulating.
The happiest, most affirmed men I know are the men who are focused on their family, treat their wives as their best friend and make decisions as part of a couple. They are manly enough to be vulnerable and prefer genuine love to flattery.
(US) I appreciate you response, well said.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you for your comment Amelia. I too appreciate it. My husband’s reason for his 3 month affair with a co-worker was because she used to flatter him (especially his body). I kept thinking perhaps it would have been easier for me to affirm you if you had given more attention to me than to your sports.
Like the other ladies I also felt why do men always need to be affirmed when we women just have to get over not being affirmed by them? It just saddens me that a man can through away his marriage for cheap flattery. It just breaks my heart that the flattery was more important to him than us, than even his children. If someone has an encouraging word for me… I could really use it right now.
(USA) AMEN! AMEN and AMEN!! Sister!
(USA) Wives do need to be affirmed and appreciated. They need to know that their man only has eyes for them, and that his eyes for her are “large” and desirous.
But as a man who has been married over a decade and for large portions of our marriage has been on the receiving end of being torn down over and over, I can tell you that it really does work against you, ladies. You can’t abuse your man into becoming a better husband. He will withdraw, and he may not even really know why. You will feel more alone, and he will become sullen and destroyed. Is it your sole responsibility to affirm him and constantly make him feel good about himself? No. But if you want to destroy a man, if you want a husband who is a shell of a person, keep putting him down. (And I know that goes both ways, guys! Treat your women right!)
Marriage is the most intimate union on earth. That means there is the most “nakedness” between two people. If you want to kill that intimacy, jab a dagger into him every time he is exposed for all he is as the imperfect man he really is. He will close up and hide quicker than you can blink. And eventually he will shut down.
It is only in the past few years that my wife and I have been working through some of these things, and I have finally felt confident enough to tell her how I have been affected by her words and actions over the years. That honesty has breathed new life. I’ve been learning that I can be who I am, I can tell her when I am afraid to get close to her, and she has (with her actions) shown me that it is safe once again.
Think of intimacy as safety. If you kill that safety, you will kill the intimacy, and your marriage will fall apart. It really is that simple. It doesn’t mean you don’t speak the truth It means you do speak the truth, but always within the context of covenantal acceptance and love. The other person knows it is safe to hear your criticisms because, first, they are certain that you love, accept, and will not reject and abandon them. If you haven’t worked to establish that safety with your spouse (whether you are the husband or the wife), you need to keep your mouth shut and humble yourself.
(FIJI) THANK YOU Mathetes, for your insight as it has really opened my eyes on my husband’s behaviour. We have not reached a level where he can tell me what I was doing wrong, but from your post I have learned A LOT, especially on speaking the truth ‘within the context of covenantal acceptance and love’. Reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13 on the definition of love. I know I hurt him a lot and drove him away but I thank God that we’re beginning to work things out into having what God intended in intimacy in our marriage. God bless you!!!
(USA) Since this article is for married women to help them learn to better love and respect their husbands, I thought it might be helpful to list some of the things that tear men down and ultimately will kill your marriage:
1. Treat your marriage like a contract rather than a covenant. Lead him to believe that your love is something he can only keep if her performs “up to snuff.” When he fails, criticize and punish him.
2. Have an affair, even just an emotional one. You think husbands can’t tell when their wives get really close with a “guy friend”? They can tell. But when they get upset, make them feel like they are crossing your boundaries. This will make them feel crazy, like they don’t know what is right and wrong any more.
3. Keep score of his failings. Tell him things like, “You never [fill in the blank].” It must be nice to know that such a pathetic excuse for a husband has such a perfect wife, right?
4. Reject him repeatedly. Make it feel like you waited and waited for him to shape up, but he just couldn’t pull it together. Then reject him. Then give him another chance. Then start the whole process over again.
5. Compare him to other men. Tell him how so-and-so seems so much better in this area. Compare him to past lovers you’ve had. Tell him how inadequate he is in comparison to them.
6. Tell him he is not a man. That will really help him step up to the plate in his weaknesses (sarcasm). Yes, a man sometimes does need a step up. But a man is still a human being, not a dog.
7. Use the “well, its the truth” excuse. Refuse to take responsibility for how you have torn him down by just saying, “Hey, its true.” The truth is meant to be spoken in love for the betterment of the other person and the relationship, not to belittle, condemn, and punish people.
8. Tell him you want him to make decisions and take initiative, and then when he does criticize him and treat him like a little boy. Take it out of his hands and do it yourself.
9. Tell him you want him to lead, but then refuse to submit to him. When he tries to lead, make him feel stupid and crazy because it isn’t the way you would do it.
I hope these help!
(USA) Mathetes thanks for your post. I see myself in all of them except #2 and 5. What an eye opener! “You can’t abuse your man into becoming a better husband. He will withdraw, and he may not even really know why. You will feel more alone, and he will become sullen and destroyed. Is it your sole responsibility to affirm him and constantly make him feel good about himself? No. But if you want to destroy a man, if you want a husband who is a shell of a person, keep putting him down.”
I need to ask forgiveness from my husband and start building a relationship of love, acceptance and affirmation and security.
(FIJI) Oh my gosh!!! I AM so ashamed of myself; I also don’t do #2 and #5, but the rest, and I have been acting that way for the last 8 years. I just found out that he’s been having affairs and we’re working it out. So it is humbling to see it from a male’s perspective but God is allowing this to mould me into wife material. Thank you so much Mathetes.
Wow….I can’t say I’m guilty of these things to a large extent- but my husband was. I realize now that he couldn’t see past his own nose to notice any of my emotions or my needs. I was criticized largely for not cleaning the house well enough (although I thought we had a partnership of chores), I am unattractive and let myself go (I am a size 6) and he hadn’t wanted to touch me in months. Did he ever affirm me – sure, but not for the things that needed affirming. He’d affirm how great I was at my career, but really, I never really cared all that much about what he thought of my job. I wanted him to affirm my good personality, my loyalty, all the things I did right. When I was burned out, I hoped he would recognize the real me and not the empty shell I had become. Instead he made half attempts at our marriage, had an affair and eventually just checked out.
Today I feel good about that. I’ve been criticism free for a month now and I love how I can get on with my life unencumbered by this hostile man.
(USA) What about me? A wife of only 4 years, I go to college, work full time, raise my 5 year old… my husband is gone a lot. Apparently, I do not have enough sex, cook, or clean enough for him. Can anyone help me? Advice, anything… I also feel like I have been recorded or video taped in my own home. Not because of a feeling or anything like that, just because of some things that he has said that he should not know about (personal stuff between myself and my sister). He is not physically abusive. Is this familiar to anyone? How can I truly tell if I am being watched? This is not a joke, I need some answers. Thanks in advance.
Brenda, Please look through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. You will find that someone who is abusive is very controlling –it’s not just physically hitting someone. One article to read in particular is titled, “Abuser Traits and Characteristics.” You might even contact the The Renewal Center (we provide the link) and ask them the questions you are asking us. A back and forth dialogue could possibly reveal the answers you are looking for. I hope so. I pray so.
(USA) Brenda, There are several possibilities regarding the information your husband has that he should not have known. Perhaps he is spying on you, perhaps he inadvertently overheard you, or perhaps your sister revealed confidences. Is she trustworthy?
If you do not feel safe asking your husband directly, then you need to figure out why. It is hard to tell from your message whether you are in a safe relationship. You sound like you are afraid. If you are, heed Cindy’s message.
If you do not feel threatened and value your marriage you still need to do something. There is too much pressure on your marriage, especially since you are married such a short time. School, work and a child who is older than your marriage. Your husband is gone a lot.
You sound like me, eighteen years ago. I have been married to my husband for twenty-two years. In the beginning I juggled all of those things and felt that I had to. My husband was praised for “taking on” my children, and I was told his children already had a mother and did not need me. But they all lived with us and he was not here most of the time. I spent many years trying to prove my worth. A lot of damage has been done because we were not equals. We are just sorting it all out now, which is sad.
Perhaps you don’t trust each other because there is too much distance. If you are in a good, healthy relationship, you both need to sit down and decide what is important and if anything can be delayed. Can you work part time while you finish school? Can you put off going to college? One thing you cannot put off is time together. You will grow apart. Why is he gone a lot? Are you both committed to the well-being of your child? Something has to give.
(USA) Brenda- I know I’m way late in the discussion here but I struggle with those same feelings a lot. I currently am mainly a stay at home mom, but I’ve been there. I was the one working to support my husband and I (we didn’t have kids yet) never got a lick of praise or thanks for it. But you know what? I didn’t care! I was happy to be contributing to our family’s financial success while my husband went to college. I didn’t need any affirmation from him. I was proud of myself!
Then he got a decent job, we had a baby, and 9 months later I quit my job because it was getting too stale and boring for me. I planned on staying at home with the baby for a couple of years, and he kept saying he desired for me to become a stay at home mom anyway. Our finances quickly became strained, so we went on a budget, and things seemed ok, but I grew increasingly restless and wanted to get back out there into society again.
My husband started acting moody and grumpy a lot more, and the house was just never clean enough for him. I believe he started to resent me for “sitting at home and doing nothing.” He didn’t help with household responsibilities because it wasn’t his duty. We eventually wound up divorcing because I was the one who was seeking affirmation from other men. I knew this was going to be a problem and instead of working on things with me, he started spying, tapping into my internet accounts, etc. He would start bringing things up that I had only revealed in private phone and email conversations with friends. It was a nightmare. Instead of listening to me and what I was telling him my needs were, he thought that trapping me would teach me a lesson. I eventually found another man and I left him for him. My ex went completely nuts and started stalking me. I believe the email and phone tapping was a precursor to stalking. It is a very BAD sign when the person you are with is so obsessed with your life and what you are saying to other people that they would spy on you.
I believe your husband could possibly be emotionally abusive, which to me, was worse than physical abuse because it leaves no visible marks or scars. When you tell people about what is going on, they don’t really understand because they are no marks. But trust me I know what a horrible feeling it is to know you’re being spied on at all times and that the person who is supposed to love you doesn’t even trust you. I did nothing to break my husband’s trust until finally I started begging him for a divorce, and he wouldn’t allow it. It was AFTER that point that I found another guy and I left him. But believe me, either sex will eventually seek out what they are missing if they are not getting it at home, whether it is consciously or subconsciously. I am remarried and my husband said the same thing happened to him in his previous marriage, and the same thing happened to his ex wife, which ultimately caused their demise.
(S. AFRICA) Brenda, I am not quite sure what you are looking for. I understand how hard it must be to go to College, work full time, have the responsibility to raise a 5 year old, cook, clean etc. You are also accused of “lack of sex”. You must be exhausted by bedtime, I understand. From what you have written I think a good heart to heart talk (at the right time) between you and your husband is overdue.
Why do you feel you are being watched? This should not bother you at all if you have nothing to hide. If that is so, then just let it go. As to personal stuff between you and your sister, this could be causing at lot of problems in your marriage. Your husband needs to be assured of your love and it is not OK to discuss private matters with anybody but him. Please do not let these feelings of yours go unresolved – sort them out immediately. I made that mistake and am going through a divorce at the moment for those very reasons. I wish I could have a second chance but it’s too late. If I have read you are wrong let me know. Put God first in your marriage and everything will fall into place.
(USA) Rose, You are so correct… I feel like I am being “listened” to due to the fact that some things have been said between my sister and I that he should not know about. I do not see her on a regular basis. I really do not have anything to hide from him, I just feel like it is odd. I obviously do not juggle my schedule well. I am tired… all the time. Sometimes I wish it would be acknowledged by my husband, hence that is where the “what about me” thing comes in. I waited until I was 36 to get married, precisly for some of the above. Thank you for replying. Maybe I need a reality check. Brenda
(USA) Trust me, it is a bother when someone is spying and snooping on you all the time even when you haven’t done anything. It shows a giant lack of trust. Thing is, it is a certain personality type that usually does this and snooping does nothing but cause problems. My mom snooped on me constantly and I always felt like she was waiting for me to screw up. Then when I did eventually screw up and break a rule, she was on my case so fast with a “gotcha” that it made my head spin. Thanks to this, I barely have a relationship with my mom as an adult. This type of behavior is terrible for a marriage as well, and I ended one because of it.
I’m now remarried and we each have open access to each other’s accounts but neither of us feels the desire to snoop. It’s a great feeling.
(USA) Wow. This is so relevant to what my husband and I are going through right now. I too often wonder why I have to be the one who caters to his ego. Women have egos too. And why shouldn’t I point out things to him, especially when everyone will see him when he goes out in public?
In thinking about these things, I guess that if I want to stay with him, I have to suck it up and know that I am stronger than he is when it comes to “constructive” criticism. If he tells me that my breath smells a bit, I will brush my teeth. If I have wax in my ears, I will clean them. If I tell him any of these things, I am critizing him. I love him, and as much as it really, really, really, really bothers me, I have to think about how what I say affects him, no matter how much I may think he needs to grow up and be a man. I honestly think weak women cater to their men in a way that perpetuates their “babiness”. Hopefully I will see that thinking about his feelings is worth the end result. I sound really negative, I know, and I hope my feelings change because right now, this is irritating.
(KENYA) Thanks for this article and the comments (especially from Mathetes). They are a real eye-opener. My question is, how do you affirm a man who is not going out to ‘slay the dragons’ and instead seems comfortable in the status quo? My husband and I live with his family and our infant son. He has a small business which unfortunately is not doing very well and hasn’t since we met. This business takes up a few hours of each week, the rest of the time he is free and usually at home with his siblings or spends it running errands for them.
They are more successful than him and have most of the trappings that come with money… the cars, the houses, property, gadgets etc. They can afford to be extravagant with their money and most importantly with their time. I work days and come home to take care of our son after work as well as attend to the cooking and other chores.Many times I come home to find him and his family seated around just having conversations.
We are struggling financially as we are mostly living on what I am making. We live in their house and they don’t even help with chores. His family earn money from their various jobs/businesses but are very reluctant to contribute it on running the house, which means most of that financial responsibility falls on me. My husband knows about this but cannot bring himself to tell them off about it because he doesn’t want to be seen as supporting me over them. He is also reluctant to look for a job even though he is aware that his business is just not cutting it, saying that being employed is ‘just not his thing’.
Many times I feel used and trapped, especially knowing that I can’t afford to provide for my son and my family the many things I would like because of the strain I am under. Because of this I have difficulties ‘seeing’ the good things about my husband and consequently affirming him. I have recently started praying for my husband and for God to change my heart of bitterness and anger and to help change our situation… and have started seeing subtle changes in him… but I am still struggling with bitterness and anger about our problems. Please pray for me… if you have any ideas as to what I can do to be able to survive and ‘thrive’ regardless of the situation, I would appreciate it.
(NIGERIA) I listened to Shaunti on a Focus on the Family broadcast one morning and immediately placed an order on Amazon for the book. I totally agree with her, and as a guy I also appreciate that men also ought to affirm their wives. My prayer now is that God will grant couples everywhere the grace and the wisdom to be able to constantly be quick to affirm their spouses, and to really mean it and believe it.
(NIGERIA) Have been with my for husband for 4 years now. l have stood with him through everything a woman is met to do. But he ended up bringing in a lady to be his receptionist. Little did l know she was his girl friend.
There was a time he did not have a job for quite some time and l was there for him and encouraged him, paid bills, and many other things. And at the end he says he is proud of me. Kindly encourage me because l feel like walking away from my marriage.
(ZIM) Women need affirmation too. Women too need to have a place to relax. Men aren’t the only people in a tough world. Women to have to survive in a man’s world. Give the sisters a break; affirm them too.