Abuser Traits and Characteristics

Adobe stock photo abusive - abuse - abuserAn abuser can be anyone, as evidenced from the Bible. The first instance of abuse in the Bible was when Cain killed his brother Abel out of jealousy.

Abusers are in every culture, ethnic group, and nationality in the world. There are both male, and female abusers, but most reported perpetrators of abuse are male.

“‘Now Cain said… let’s go out to the field.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.(Genesis 4:8)

I’ve found five predominant traits of an abuser. I’m sure there are many more but these five come readily to mind regarding most abusers.

Traits of an Abuser

1. Charismatic

They are charismatic and charming. There’s a certain attractive quality about them. They are extremely polite, and even delightful to be around. One would say, “he’s a charmer” or “Mr./Ms. Personality.”

Most often they are physically attractive, although there are some who are not so attractive. But for the most part they are attractive looking, or have some quality about them that’s appealing.

Most people can’t believe that the person is an abuser. They can’t see beyond his/her fascinating personality.

In fact in some instances, children, even though they may actually see the abuse, believe that somehow you the victim was the cause of the abuse. Why else would such a sweet person do what he/she does? They miss the whole point of abuse. It’s about power and control.

2. Jealousy

An abuser can be extremely hateful and jealous of his/her love relationships. Usually they have an unhealthy, unfounded suspicion of their spouse/or friend.

There’s a righteous type of jealousy. “You shall not bow down to them (idols) or worship them. For I the Lord your God, am a jealous God…(Exodus 20:5). And there’s an un-righteous type of jealousy. “For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.(Song of Songs 8:6)

3. Controlling

Most abusers, whether male of female, can be controlling in their behavior. They must have the upper hand, dominance, and rule in their affairs with their loved ones.

God is the only One who has power over His creations. “He rules forever by His power; His eyes watch the nations. Let not the rebellious rise up against him.(Psalm 66:7)

More Abuser Traits

4. Deceptive

Most abusers can be very deceptive, dishonest, and full of guile. They somehow manage to juggle situations, people and circumstances to their benefit. They are convincing impostors.

…Bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days.(Psalm 55:23)

5. A Proud Heart

Most abusers are proud, arrogant, and egotistical. They have an unrepentant spirit about abuse, and most things. They believe what they have done was to keep things in control for your good. The abuser may cry, and plead even ask for your forgiveness. But it is not sincere. For soon the slander and abuse starts all over again.

Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence. Whoever has a haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure.(Psalm 101:5)

Here of several characteristics of an abuser:

  • They (men/women) track you and your whereabouts —mileage, phone calls etc.
  • They try to control your money. If they are the chief breadwinners they keep the money.
  •  When they’re angry they destroy property.
  • They threaten you with harm.
  • They can be physically abusive.
  • Emotional abuse is involved.
  • They are psychological abusive.
  • They blame you for his or her outbursts.
  • Often they have a poor self-image.
  • They may have a history of family violence.
  • They are verbally abusive.
  • The abuser may be unfaithful in your marital relationship.
  • They may have an alcohol/drug addiction.
  • They may have gambling addiction.
  • Abusers often like to rush into a relationship.
  • They humiliate you.
  • There is a Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde syndrome going on in an abuser.

If you have found some of these traits or characteristics in your relationship it’s time to get help as soon as possible.


First of all, pray. Ask the Lord to show you how to handle the situation that you’re currently in. Ask the Lord to give you divine strategies in the situation.

If you live in the U.S. and the situation is violent, and children are involved, please call for Emergency Help 911; National Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800 799-7233 (SAFE) 1 800 787-3224 (TDD)

This article comes from the Renewalcenter.wordpress.com, which has graciously allowed us to feature it on this web site. Their focus “is to provide a service of love and compassion to battered women/men by renewing the mind through biblical principles, and recover what has been lost to the person by the malicious acts of abuse.” They “have a holistic approach to concerns of: domestic violence, rape, date rape, coping with teen pregnancy, and CPS (NC only).” They also are a “Renewal Center for Battered Women: Life Coaching and Support Services, dedicated to serve clients in guidance and assistance in making better life choices through Biblical principles.” They “educate, instruct, edify, and coach.”

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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25 responses to “Abuser Traits and Characteristics

  1. (USA) Can an abusive husband really change? I don’t believe in divorce and I keep holding out for hope that he will. He claims to be a Christian but can I really believe that at this point? We’ve been married for 1 year and dated 4 years prior to getting married. As soon as we got married he changed into a controlling, jealous, and verbally abusive man. I am so torn and miserable. We go to counseling but when we get home he claims the therapist (a minister) is one sided –mine. Any advice?

    1. (US) Kris, How are you doing? I’m with you. Sadly, I do not believe he will change unless he WANTS to. Please, read my post. Maria

    2. Try counseling alone. That is best for you. I hear your pain. Don’t have any children with him, instead seek refuge. Better to be alone.

  2. (S.A.) I do not know whether it is God’s plan to end up at this site but anyway, I’m very frustrated. My hubby has about 7 characteristics from the ones stated above. But what is killing me now is him expecting me not to be with my friends whilst he is constantly spending time with his. He monitors time I spend in shopping. Even if I go for just bread and milk I will find him so angry as if he’ll kill.

    According to him any man I talk to is my boyfriend, even if that person is my colleague. This embarrases me. Then he will be angry, not talking to the children. Even if he has to buy something he will make my children suffer because he’s angry with me. This sometimes lasts for a week or two. Then when he has decided he needs sex he lightens up a bit until he has what he wants. Then he will be bossy asking for this and that, no matter what I’m doing and I must pay attention to him coz he is a man.

    God, this is killing me. Things have been bad. I have had fights about his relationships, finances, him spending time with friends but this one of him making me feel like I’m nothing is killing me.

    1. (US) Zozi, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through… because it sounds so familiar, certainly not what you expected marriage to be. It’s not fair. Seems like a lot of folks are very against divorce. I use to be one of them. But if there is one thing God has taught me over the last couple of years is to hold my judgement. Seems every time I had a judgement, it was cast on me to humble me. One NEVER knows what people are going through. And you can only change yourself. This is a time to lift your head and show yourself, your children and your community what you’re made of. BTW, I posted a comment too; you should read it.

      1. Dear God, help this women to pack her bags while she is wise enough to see it’s him, not her, and before she starts to get twisted into his warped controling abuse. He’s a dangerous, dangerous man. Get your children and her sadly away to safety and peace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

    2. (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Zozi:

      I’m very sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through. I fully understand where you’re at. I have no close friends due to the isolation characteristic of an abusive relationship. Revisit the Biblical description of love in Corinthians and substitute your husband’s name for the word love. It might make it easier for you to take the steps you need to. This is not what God intended for marriage.

      Don’t lose yourself in this battle and do what you have to do minimize the damage he is causing you and your children.

  3. (UNITED STATES) I hear everyone complain about being abused in one way or another, And it makes me stronger in the sense of leaving my marriage. I also thought like everyone else he will change some day. But unless he surrenders his heart to the Lord he won’t change. One time as I was driving home I ask the Lord, help me. How do I handle this? Do we stay together for our marriage sake and wait for him to get a heart attack or me a nervous breakdown. Or do we leave each other for the sake of peace, and the Lord answered me. I too don’t believe in divorce but sometimes separation helps the marriage if you go through with it and allow the other party to recognize that there is a big problem. God took me to the book of Corinthians, where it states……Oh wife how do you know that you will save your husband after all I have called you to be at peace…and it goes on to say to the husband Oh husband how do you know if you will save your wife after all I have called you to be at peace.

    Sometimes we get so wrapped up with life that we miss the whole point of what marriage is supposed to be. My husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for 10 years until we decided to get married. But I recall one incident where I overheard my husband (boyfriend at that time) screaming or yelling on the phone with someone and as I got closer I said please tell me that was not your mom on the phone. All he said was she got me mad, I should have seen that as a warning sign, but I went on with him and forgot all about it. He always buys all the groceries, does not include me in any of his financial matters and I really don’t know much about his business other than him going to work every day. My son (who is handicapped due to a car accident) becomes a problem most of the time. He fights with him almost at all times and I am in the middle and I don’t like it but because I am his wife…he expects me to side with him. Then my son feels out of place; until this last fight I told him that a mother should never have to choose between her husband and son. Especially if they are disabled, a mother’s love for her children is un-conditional. I sometimes feel sad because I never thought that it would come to this after only being married for seven years. But it’s now or later and at my age, why wait untl I get sick or he leaves again. If he does not get help for himself, he will continue thinking he is right and I am wrong. I am just tpo tired of fighting. I hope my life story will help someone. Stay focused on God He will sustain you through it all. God Bless You.

  4. (US) I’m very sorry yet so enlightened to hear about your struggles. I had and continue to have the presence and effects of an abuser. When I read this article, it sounded like a detailed description of my ex-husband. Yes, my ex. If there is anything I want to say, please be very careful before you leave. I’ll explain…

    I was very naive to all of this before I left the home after 7 years of marriage. All I knew was that I could no longer live feeling like I didn’t matter at all to my husband. The only time he was friendly was when we were around other people (he would also make fun of me) or he wanted something. I have a full time job and was mentally drained each day before the work day even started. Some of the highlights: 1- asked me not to ask for anything… and I didn’t ask for much 2- would justify his actions with non related topics and how he “allowed” me to (fill in the blank). 3- no matter what he did, he was right 4- with regard to pornography or other women -he always compared me and continued to do it no matter how often I said I didn’t like it 5- vacation times were always where and how he wanted 6- doing sexual acts/touching that I did not like or want. I would tell him nearly on a daily basis only to be told to move my hands or just listen to him tell me how he really wanted it and it wasn’t a big deal 7- every activity was on his schedule, mine had no bearing. Leaving the house for any reason without him was unacceptable 8- always monitored my email without me knowing 9- he was physically abusive and would justify his actions or just pretend like it didn’t really happen and I was just exaggerating… I could go on and on. Did I mention I am more than 10 years younger?

    The worst part is I didn’t really understand what was going on, and I was embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. Sadly, my family didn’t have great marriage role models either. I saw the signs when we were dating, but the instant we got married, it went to the extreme. My mother adored him because he was so charming to her and no one believed he could be any different then what they saw when they were around him. Plus, who really wanted to hear about it? He justified every little thing, I thought it was my fault. Also, after looking back, I had been distanced from the Christian upbringing I was raised in, not to mention my family. He would make jokes about how folks were going to church to “get saved”…making fun. My self esteem had been attacked so many times, I couldn’t find it anymore.

    When I left the home, he was as cold and vindictive as they come. Although I was nearby, he tried very hard to keep the children away from me. He would not “allow” me to have any furniture. Even furniture I had before we were married. He would show up to my house unannounced. And when I was with the children, he would invite himself to wherever we were at, then get very angry when I would ask him to leave and make comments to the kids about it. He would harass me while I had the kids, then I wouldn’t hear from him when they were with him.

    In time, I reverted to the Christian upbringing I had been absent from during our marriage. It opened my eyes and saved my life.

    If I could do it again, I would have called 911 each time he hit me or threw me around. I would have talked to a pastor about it and reached out. I would have consulted a (good) lawyer ahead of time, saved everything on the computer hard drive, packed the house while he was at work, and filed a restraining order. Most importantly, I would have not continued to give in to his manipulation (he used the kids often), not answered his calls and do EVERYTHING via email. I just wish I had known that it’s NOT OK if your husband continues to do sexual acts when you clearly tell him you don’t like it. It’s NOT OK to be manipulated (psychologically and emotionally) every day. It’s NOT OK when your husband tells you not to ask him for anything, it’s NOT normal to be kept in the house or just feel completely guilty or miserable when you do. And it’s definitely NOT OK when your husband hits you or throws you around.

    It’s NORMAL for a husband to want to serve and love his wife. It’s normal for a husband to love and respect you. You deserve that. Please, talk to a pastor or two or three. They are not there to judge you, they are there to help.

    I pray that this helps someone out there. I hope you’re able to lift your head up again and be the beautiful, confident and peaceful woman God intended you to be. Even out of all of this, there is good. I’m a better woman, a better person, more calm and level headed. I hold my judgements. And finally, keep the high ground and keep the children out of it. Any attempt to put their dad down will only backfire.

  5. (SOUTH AFRICA) Two weeks ago I left my aggressive (and emotionally abusive) husband. We have known each other for 25 years and been married for 20 years.

    He is an epileptic and two weeks ago he had a siezure and attacked my son and I. I knew it was time to leave. For at least the past five years I have been the breadwinner as he has been unable to work – he cannot handle stress and does not take well to me ever asking him why he was playing a video game and not working. He has lived life by his own rules for a long time and being unaccountable, the past year and a half have probably been the worst.

    I have been acccused of multiple affairs (yet I work two jobs to keep us afloat finacially) and everything is always done the way he wants it with very few compromises that cater for the tastes of others. I could go on for pages about our situation but I believe he is mentally ill.

    We have not been physically intimate for over a year and a half. He’s told me in that I am fat and eat too much (due to me hitting middle age combined with stress, I put on 10kg). Throughout our entire realtionship he has always been overweight and bordering on obese at times (40kg overweight) yet never once did I say anything insulting or hurtful about his weight. His sense of hygiene is very bad as he bathes once a month (If I’m lucky) and when confronted on his hygiene habits he has always had a rebuttal, like “I washed under my arms…” He also ignores his dental hygiene so he suffers from halitosis. And of course when I say he should brush his teeth he just asks for a peppermint to freshen his breath with some excuse like ‘I just drank coffee so I can’t brush my teeth now’. I once hid his toothbursh to see if I was right about him not brushing (I love kissing but over the past few years I’ve hated it due to his bad breath – we probably haven’t kissed in about 3 years). 3 months went by and not once did he ask for his toothbrush – there was no other toothbrush he could use.

    I want to divorce him as the stress he has created has damaged out son and I want a normal life. Due his paranoia and aggression we haven’t gone to church for a year as I never knew who he’d accuse me of having an affair with (he believed I was having affairs with some of the men in our church). Upon me leaving he is now sorry and says that I must change and take him back (because he has now changed so much for the better), yet each time I mention the violence during the ‘siezure’ he justifies what he did. He is mentally ill. He has no scope of the pain he has caused me and our son and he phones me everyday to say he’s sorry. I know he will not change, I do not want to even try and get back together with him as I am aslo afraid of him.

    I want to close this chapter of my life as soon as possible and start again. The part I’m struggling with is that I want to get remarried (I do not have anyone in mind) I want to be with a Godly man who treats me well and thinks that I’m attractive, even when I put on a few kg. I want my son to have a positive male role model in his life for once, to see a man who is responsible and loving and selfless.

  6. (UNITED STATES) I’ve been married for 12 years and have 4 beautiful children. I have know him since I was 17 we had our first child when I was 18. We both are the same age. For the past 4 years, it’s been horrible for me. I am tired of his abuse. He pushed me against the wall when I was pregnant with my son; he dragged me down the stairs while my 8 year old daughter was standing next to me. He is always screaming at me… then all the kids will start crying.

    I really don’t know what to do anymore. He is addicted to porn and masturbation. Even when we go out on a date I can see him looking at other women or flirting with them. I want to leave but I don’t believe in divorce. My parents have been married for 44 years and as a kid I never experienced anything like this. Everyone in my family has been married for ages and I don’t want to be the first one to get a divorce. I want to save my marriage because I know he loves me; he’ll give me anything I ask for. He and he doesn’t hide money from me.

    I am a stay-at-home Mom while he works and I take care of the bills. But lately I’ve been feeling lonely with no one to talk to. I cry all the time and even if I want to leave I don’t know how or where I will go and how I’d support my kids because I only have 3 years of college and its been a long time since I worked. So I really don’t know what to do. All I can do is pray to see if he’ll change because I don’t think I can take this much longer. Please help and keep me in your prayers.

    1. (USA) That’s no marriage & no way to live. Think of the example you’re setting for your kids. Your kids are probably going to end up abusing you too. Abuse or be abused, that is the lesson they’re learning. Get help.

  7. Hi Ladies. After reading these posts, I wonder how each of you are doing as all of these posts are all from several years ago. My heart breaks when I read them because so many of us are suffering from the same unhealthy relationships. I’ll pray for God to uplift us all and our children.

    I have similar problems and have been together with my husband 20 years (married 14). Should have never married… as the abusive signs were very visible prior to marriage. He has 12 of the abusive signs listed above and things get gradually worse each year. I’ve been a stay at home mom since our first child was born 10 years ago kids (8 &10). We’re self employed and have a few businesses, so I take care of the taxes and paperwork, estimates, invoices etc. He has never appreciated anything I do…for the businesses, the kids, their activities, playdates, homework etc. In fact, we moved away from his home town to my home town out of state after my mom died. He still blames me because he’s so miserable here and wants to move home.

    When kids were younger, before they started school, he would always ask me what I did all day and why house was a wreck, disrespected me, told me I need to start making money (I was staying home with our kids and baby sitting making $400 a week) AND dealing with the sudden death of my mom and sister and dad. He is also Dr Jeckle/ Mr Hyde. Lies so much …he can’t keep them straight. When he wants sex…he goes from Mr Angry and short temper and starts to be “Mr nice guy” …the way most women would want their husbands to act all of the time until he gets what he wants. Then he’s back to his old self. It’s a roller coaster life for me and I always know when the “nice guy” is coming home… and what he wants.

    He has never been physical with me of the kids… but will punch things (not around the kids) and get irate at times when I don’t want to have sex. I mean, wants to be intimate with someone who verbally and emotionally abuses them? He’s addicted to porn and pot, smokes pot all day long. Even on Sundays before he happens to go with us to church.

    I lost relationship with my best friend a few years ago because something was going on between them and neither one would tell the truth about it ..long distance phone sex and maybe more when we all live by one another …who knows? So I stopped talking to her. He just denied. He has low self esteem …grew up in verbally/emotionally abusive home. His parents were abusive to each other …not to him. But it has obviously rubbed off on him. I didn’t grow up that way. I had a pretty good childhood. btw… My only sister, mother and father have all passed away several years ago.

    So with the he emotional abuse, I feel as if I have no body. He has what I call the “poor me” syndrome. He always thinks he has it worse than anyone, and is so jealous of other people. Our kids love him and he is good them but he doesn’t like to discipline them, so I’m always the “bad” guy and he’s the “fun” guy who plays games with them. Our family is very dysfunctional. My son is aggressive towards my daughter, and I’m worried about both of their emotional states of mind. I feel like they’re “against” me. If kids are fighting or being disrespectful I’ll correct the kids and he’ll undermine me in front of them. He is HORRIBLE with money. We cannot ever talk about money because it ends up in a fight. We have no budget because he won’t do one. Also, he refuses to go to counseling, says he doesn’t need it. I did go after my dad passed away to grief counseling and to regular therapy/marriage counseling. That was 8 years ago. But marriage counseling is no good when only one person is going. We fight and don’t speak for days. Usually it’s about the same things over and over again. I feel so unappreciated at times and find myself not even wanting to go home at all …not even to see my kids because they fight constantly.

    Also, his dad moved in with us last year and is in really bad health and I’ve been taking care of him, as well.

    I feel stuck. I have a college degree. I love my husband. We’ve been through a lot together, and I feel like we could work things out and have a great life if he would make some effort. The sad part is every time I mention anything about this to him he just wants to pack his bags a leave. But then he says since he is away from his home that…he has no where to go. Signed… Seeking happiness.

    1. I’m so sorry! My husband after 27 years committed suicide. Now I’m trying to sort out what happened. My husband was abusive. Because he never hit me, I excused it. Addiction, anger, etc…First question my kids would ask from school…is dad in a good mood or bad mood? Why did I allow my children to endure this? Be strong and protect your children. I regret I did not!

  8. After reading this, I’m so scared. Can I tell whether I am an abuser? It’s likely that all the spouses spoken of here as abusers are not aware of their status as such; otherwise, why else would they go on acting the way they do? Then again, jealousy in a marriage is healthy, right?

    I find myself getting rather unsure of whether my wife will stay faithful. My wife is a great woman and honestly, I don’t expect that she will cheat on me. I hate the moments I find myself doubting whether she will keep the vows we made before God. We are both committed Christians with a firm belief in the power of prayer.

    I’m in the military and currently deployed in Mogadishu, Somalia. I get to see my wife and our two children every three (03) months but I frequently feel like being away from them is having a negative effect on our marriage and children. We try to communicate everyday, either through telephone calls or chat on social media. Occasionally, when we are able to, we pray together on phone.

    I have never physically abused my wife, and as far as I am concerned, I’m not emotionally abusive (that is the basis of my opening question). I may be guilty of a few of those points above, especially a bit of Number 1 and probably 10 (which is obviously not my choice), but I don’t think I am an abuser.

    I hate to even think that my wife could be silently enduring an abusive relationship. I really do love her and wouldn’t wish to put her through some of the things I’ve read here on this platform. I’ll ask her today about whether she thinks I’m abusive; of course tactfully (any suggestions as to how I can get a candid response are welcome). I want to have a marriage that God meant for us; one that will have a positive impact on the marrieds in my neighborhood!

  9. Greetings in Jesus name. I am married for over forty years to my best friend. He was not a Christian but I as a believer always knew that God will change him if my every day walk with God will help him see the difference. God gives us patience virtue strength peace through all trial in life to trust in God and be the best wife and mother instead of preaching but to practice. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I’m saved by HIS grace not by my works.

    All the above Five traits are the traits my husband has but physical abusive was unfolding before my eyes. At first I thought this is a cultural behavior, I made all the excuses for him, then came children it was a security issue. I witnessed my Christian mother physically abused by my father. I thought I’ll never let my children be in a broken or dysfunctional home. So I always shared the love of Jesus and forgiveness to both our sons, to respect their father he is the head of the home. And I always thought this as persecution to suffer for Christian for standing up for my faith not compromising.

    Unfortunately both my son’s got divorced within two years. I was told this is my Christian upbringing, my fault. Both my sons are exactly the opposite behavior of their Father since they saw me hold my peace and dignity while they grew up to be believers as myself. They both were married for over 11 years when both wives who became friends got bored wanted freedom from marriage responsibility of family. I had instilled Godly Christian values to both sons. But praise God both the ex’s have individually repented for their actions. Unfortunately sometimes its too late. My sons have forgiven them; we have a healthy relationship with both the ex’s as we did before when they were married to our sons. When Christ forgives who are we, we have to move on.

    Anyway long story short my husband is blaming me now for giving our youngest son 33 yrs who has two sons 11 and 8 moral support. He brings the grandchildren over a few times a week to visit so they have a stable grounded environment and Christian family values they are going thru a lot emotionally etc. because their mother goes from relationship to relationship and the boys have to watch her irrational behavior, but they both share joint parenting. My son house is being foreclosed. He is drowned in legal fees, He requested if he can stay with us because we have a big home and we’d rather the kids stay where they are loved and cared for. My husband doesn’t like the idea. He likes to live by himself and never likes anyone living with us. He feels that our son is breaking our marriage, when there is a marriage only because of my love for Jesus, and fear of God.

    I do not like divorce, I always had a healthy relationship with both my daughter in laws, so now they are closer to me than their own parents. They always ask me how do you stay in such a marriage how can you handle it? All I tell them is trust in God pray for a change of heart repentance but the truth is I cry in bed praying clinging to God and his word on each occurrence in the last forty years. I feel Satan is destroying marriages and family that is his ultimate goal.

    But right now I have noticed I have gone numb. At first I would panic and apologize for something I never did. This has been going on for the last forty years. He has threatened to leave and divorce me. My grandchildren are going thru a lot in life. My son has no life for himself besides work and the boys. He has sleep Apnea and health issues. How can a mother abandon her children when they need me the most? All they ask is for moral support, nothing else. If we cannot provide that moral support for our loved once’s what is the meaning of family? I am responsible for the home finance now, but he has mentally abused me so much that I have a safe driving licence from 1992 but cannot drive by myself. He never let me drive. It was some excuse or the other. He said I would kill others myself or damage the car. I will never be able to drive.

    He said the same thing about my job that I am dumb I will never be able to work in an office or outside of my home. I worked from home providing child care for eight years. For the last 18 years I have worked, held my current job for 16 years. My Lord has blessed me, and enabled me financially to provide for our home without driving to work. We are a single income home. On each occurrence he verbally abuses and says I am cheating on him. The most degrading names he calls me and my family even after knowing them personally how gracious, dignified faith full above all love the Lord, set exemplary values before him.

    He has driven me to work all these years. Last night he said I have to drive to work. I called in sick. I have no confidence. I’m nervous since I’ve never driven independently by myself. God has blessed me with this job. He will make a way for me to get there. My office moved 35 to 40 minutes further from my home so he is taking advantage of my situation. My concern is now, in his family I will be slandered that these Christians have no values they cannot stay married they have no family values because in some cultures wives have to stay thru the affair and abuse keep the family together. I did it all but not by myself but with Christ that lives within me.

    Sorry for the long letter. I just poured out my heart that in forty years of marriage I’ve never discussed with anyone. I’m reading the views and reading God’s word. I’m not sure what to do. I’m afraid. I don’t know what life would be without a husband at head of the home. This is all the life I know of. What will happen to my grandchildren? What message are we giving them? I’m hesitant and nervous to post. I’ve never shared my situation with anyone before. Sister In Christ.

    1. Dear His Grace, How I wish I had a definite answer for you. I don’t. I’ve been praying for you and was hoping I would be able to give you a word of knowledge. So far, I’m just not sure what to say except to say that you may feel alone in this but you aren’t. Someone cares… I care… and I know Jesus cares. That’s why He has put you onto my heart. Keep seeking His wisdom and don’t give up that your son and grandchildren will find a home that is secure and the right one for them, whether or not it can be your home.

      I also want to tell you that even if you are nervous about driving… you can do it if you focus on what you can do with the Lord’s help rather than focusing in on what you believe is too hard for you. Don’t allow your husband’s put downs to drown out Truth. You are not dumb or incompetent. The enemy of our faith would like you to live in that defeat. Don’t entertain the enemy… put your hope and trust in God. He doesn’t make junk.

      I believe you posted here because God led you to do so and you overcame your fears in doing that. You can overcome more of your fears by denying them and taking baby steps in faith. One step at a time is how you can get somewhere. By staying still in paralysis, you will get no where. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real… F.E.A.R. Please don’t live in that fear — ask God what step you can and should take first that He deems necessary. Your faith will be rewarded.

      I feel impressed to share a blog with you that I found on something that missionary Elisabeth Elliot wrote. It’s titled Do the Right Thing: http://godcenteredmom.com/2012/06/18/do-the-next-right-thing/. I heard her talk on this a number of years ago. It gave me confidence to do some difficult things. Here’s another one that might help you too: http://whengodisfaithful.com/just-do-the-next-thing/. The women who wrote these blogs have found it helps them too. Your circumstances are different than theirs, but the principle is the same… you have things to do that appear overwhelming. But you can’t let fear paralyze you… do the next thing… do what God shows you to do, no matter how hard it looks. I hope you will and pray wisdom for you in knowing what it is you are to do. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

    1. Jess, You may need to find a way to get yourself to a place of protection unless, and until your husband gets help to change his abusive ways. I’m not sure what you can do in India, but prayerfully look into it. Also, read all that we have posted so you can best figure out how to protect yourself as you come up with a plan. I hope this will help.

  10. I have PTSD I don’t know who will get what out of me saying this but I am an assault survivor as in I ended up dead after being assaulted. I chose to trust people I shouldn’t have and now it’s been a lifetime of harassment of the abusers trying to cover up and slander and kill me again. What is even worse, I trusted in a husband who also lured me in with kindness. He took every dime I owned and physically and emotionally abused me.

    PTSD is a nightmare life. It is a nightmare I can no longer cope. I give it to God. God knows I’m disabled; my mind is even shutting down along with my eyesight and immune system. I don’t know what you can get out of my story. But I appreciate your common sense article to the likes and this is really really sad no one in 50 years around me talk. Incredibly abused my whole life, I can’t believe it feels like hell. Perhaps others were not supposed to save me? I was so abused a hospital wanted to take me out of my home. How sad is it that I only wanted and expected kindness? Now I can’t even control myself anymore due to the horror.

    1. Galena, I’m so, so sorry that you find yourself in this situation in your life. My heart cries for your that others have taken horrible advantage to you — especially to the point that you are still living out the nightmare of all of this. Thank you for being brave enough to give voice to this type of abuse on this web site. I hope and pray that you are able to come to the place where you determine, “This will not take me down; I will not allow them to continue to abuse me by giving them any type of focused energy.” That would indeed take extra steps of bravery.

      As weak as you feel right now and as imprisoned you feel to the nightmares of haunting memories, I have the feeling deep in my soul that you are stronger than you think. You have been a survivor. All these people who were supposed to protect you, and some even promised to protect you, are the most horrible type of people. But that is no reflection on you. You were victimized and never, ever deserved any of this. Please know that.

      I was victimized in several ways in my youth. I certainly don’t want to compare the abuses I experienced to yours. Everyone has their own story. But what I learned is that so many of us are victimized, but we don’t have to live a life of a victim. That means we have to make some other important choices. I have a family where some of them decided to live as victims. But early on, I determined that enough was enough. I’ve seen others that have lifted themselves out of leading a life of victimization and are now living very good lives. That has inspired me. If they could do it, I could too. So, I made that same choice to stop giving energy to living and thinking as a victim (and still do so because nightmares will often try to reinvade your thoughts… so, I work hard to refuse them entry).

      Years ago I put my trust into God’s hands through making Jesus my personal savior, asking continually for His guidance, love, grace and peace. It has been an amazing journey. Life still tries to kick at me. That’s part of living on this side of heaven. But as I look to Jesus as my savior and my Lord, it’s amazing the guidance and peace that I receive–even in the midst of the storm. I pray that for you. I pray that you are able to look this abuse right in the face and not give it anymore energy. I pray that you are able to step out of that living hell and put your thoughts in healthier directions.

      Others have done this, I have done this and I’m praying that you will receive the strength to do this. Wipe the dust off your feet as far as the horrible journeys you have traveled with these people and move towards the peace that the Lord can give you. May your past be only a stepping stone to a better future–giving you wisdom as to who you can trust and who you can’t. May God bless you Galena. I encourage you to reach out to Him for a peace that passes all understanding. Sending special love your way.

  11. There is gaslighting and abuse at the church in a specific group, but when I brought it up to head pastors they said, “These people are volunteers and it’s free time they are giving.” How am I supposed to attend, and forgive what is continued so blatantly? I want to build relationships and stop searching for a church family.

    1. Keep praying and looking. There are good churches out there; you obviously just have to keep looking and NOT give up. Jesus would have it no other way. He hated hypocrisy and abuse caused by church leaders. We need to be part of the solution, pushing away the darkness.