I receive frantic calls and emails each week from Christian women (and some men) who feel scared. They feel trapped, hopeless and helpless because their most intimate relationship is abusive. They are suffering from abuse verbally, physically, economically, sexually, spiritually or all of the above. The Bible has something to say about the way we treat people. And as Christians we should all strive to be Biblically wise in how we handle these difficult and painful family issues. Below are five Biblical principles that will guide your thinking about this topic of abusive relationships.
Biblical Principles on Abusive Relationships
1. Abuse is always sin.
The scriptures are clear. Abuse of authority or power (even legitimate God given authority) is always sin. Abusive speech and/or behavior is never an acceptable way to communicate with someone. (See: Malachi 2:16-17; Psalm 11:5; and Colossians 3:8,19.)
2. Abuse is never an appropriate response to being provoked.
In working with abusive individuals they often blame the other person. This can be especially tricky when trying to counsel couples. There is no perfect person and victims of abuse aren’t sinless. However, we must be very clear minded that abusive behavior and/or speech is never justified. It’s not even justified when provoked. People provoke us all the time. But we are still responsible for our response. (See: Ephesians 4:26; and Luke 6:45.)
3. Biblical headship does not entitle a husband to get his own way.
It doesn’t entitle him to make all the family decisions, or to remove his wife’s right to choose. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of power to gain control over another individual. Biblical headship is described as sacrificial servanthood. It is not unlimited authority and/or power (Mark 10:42-45).
Let’s not confuse terms. When a husband demands his own way or tries to dominate his wife, it’s not called biblical headship. It is called selfishness and abuse of power. (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; and Ezekiel 34:2-4. There you will read of God’s rebuke of the leaders of Israel. He rebuked them for their self-centered and abusive shepherding of God’s flock.)
4. Unrepentant sin always damages relationships and sometimes people.
Sin separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2-5). Sin also separates us from one another (Proverbs 17:9). It is unrealistic and unbiblical to believe that you can continue healthy fellowship with someone who repeatedly sins against you. This is especially true when there is no repentance and no change. We are impacted in every way. (Read Proverbs 1:15; 14:7; 21:28; 22:24; and 1 Corinthians 15:33.)
5. God’s purpose is to deliver the abused.
We are to be champions of the oppressed and abused. God hates the abuse of power and the sin of injustice. (See: Psalm 5,7,10,140; 2 Corinthians 11:20; and Acts 14:5-6.)
What’s next, concerning abusive relationships?
How should we respond when we know abuse is happening to someone?
We must never close our eyes to the sin of injustice or the abuse of power, whether it is in a home, a church, a work setting or a community or country (Micah 6:8). The apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders. But he did not put up with it (2 Corinthians 11:20). Please don’t be passive when you encounter abuse.
However, because we too are sinners we are all tempted to react to abusive behavior with a sinful response of our own. The apostle Paul cautions us not to be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
Biblical Guidelines to Abusive Relationships
Below are five (5) biblical guidelines that will help you respond to the evil of abuse with good.
1. It is good to protect yourself from violent people.
David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him.
We must help people to get safe and stay safe when they are in abusive relationships. This is not only good for her and her children, it is good for her abusive partner. [The same is true if it is a man who is being abused.] If you are not experienced in developing a safety plan and assessing for lethality (often spouses are more at risk when they leave an abusive partner), refer or consult with someone who is knowledgeable in this area (Proverbs 27:12).
[Also note: We have several articles you can glean through that are posted in the Abuse in Marriage topic that could be helpful.]
2. It is good to expose the abuser.
Secrets are deadly, especially when there is abuse in a home. Bringing the deeds of darkness to light is the only way to get help for both the victim and the abuser. If you are working with a couple and notice that the woman defers to her husband, regularly looks to him before she answers, blames herself for all their conflicts, speak with them separately. (See Proverbs 29:1; Galatians 6:1; and James 5:19-20.)
If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, it is not sinful to tell. It is good to expose the hidden deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11). Biblical love is always action directed towards the best interest of the beloved. This is true even when it is difficult or involves sacrifice. (Read 1 Thessalonians 5:14; and Hebrews 3:13.)
3. It is good not to allow someone to continue to sin against you.
It is not only good for the abused person to stop being a victim, it is good for the abuser to stop being a victimizer. There is no doubt that it is it is in the abuser’s best interests to repent and to change. (See: Matthew 18:15-17; and James 5:19-20.)
4. It is good to stop enabling and to let the violent person experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior.
One of life’s greatest teachers is consequences. God says what we sow, we reap (Galatians 6:7). A person who repeatedly uses violence at home does so because he gets away with it. Don’t allow that to continue (Proverbs 19:19). God has put civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse (Romans 13:1-5). The apostle Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated (Acts 22:24-29). And we should encourage victims to do likewise.
5. It is good to wait and see the fruits of repentance before initiating reconciliation.
Sin damages relationships. Repeated sin separates people. Although we are called to unconditional forgiveness, the Bible does not teach unconditional relationship with everyone. Nor does it teach unconditional reconciliation with a person who continues to mistreat us.
Although Joseph forgave his brothers, he did not initiate a reconciliation of the relationships until he saw that they had a heart change. (Read Genesis 42-45.)
Biblical repentance is not simply feeling sorry (2 Corinthians 7:8-12). Repentance requires a change in direction. When we put pressure someone to reconcile a marital relationship with an abusive partner before they have seen some significant change in behavior and attitude we can put them in harm’s way. We have sometimes valued the sanctity of marriage over the emotional, physical, and spiritual safety of the individuals in it.
The apostle Paul encourages us to distance ourselves from other believers who are sinning and refuse correction. (See 1 Corinthians 5:9-11; and 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15.)
A person cannot discern whether a heart change has taken place without adequate time. Words don’t demonstrate repentance; but changed behaviors over time does. (Read Matthew 7:20; and 1 Corinthians 4:20.)
Christian’s Responsibility Towards Abusive Relationships
As Christian we have the mandate and the responsibility to be champions of peace. Dr. Martin Luther King said, “In the end what hurt the most was not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.”
In honor of victims of domestic abuse who need wise help, please forward this article to other Christian leaders who may need to learn how to see domestic abuse through the lens of the Scriptures.
Leslie Vernick is the author of this article and graciously gave us permission to post it on this web site. Leslie is a popular speaker, author, and licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. She is the author of seven books, including the best selling, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and her most recent The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
Leslie has been a featured guest on Focus on the Family Radio, Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey, Moody Mid-Day Connection. She also writes a regular column for WHOA Women’s Magazine. Internationally, she’s spoken in Canada, Romania, Russia, Hungary, the Philippines, British Virgin Islands and Iraq. She’s been married to Howard for 38 years. Together they have two grown children and three grandchildren. You can find out more about abusive relationships by going to her web site at Leslievernick.com.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
Love, love, love this article. As a Christian and a therapist, I have (unfortunately) seen many well-meaning Christians give (literally) dangerous advice when it comes to abusive relationships that don’t line up with what counseling/psychology knows to be true. This article does a fantastic job of providing biblical support for steps we often teach in counseling for staying safe physically/emotionally. I am bookmarking this article for future reference. Thank you so much for this wonderful resource.
Thank you for your supportive comment. We truly appreciate it! So many people go by their gut reactions when they try to advise people. They mean well. But when it comes to abuse issues this can get dangerous. And each situation is different so those who try to give advice need to be careful.
Yes, we care. And yes, we want them to be safe. These types of situations tug at our heartstrings. But these are not “one-size fits all” types of situations. The abuse victim needs to know that. That’s especially true as it pertains to different cultures in different countries. They need to be very careful and prayerful and come up with the best plan to be safe as they possibly can. Thank you for affirming this. We pray that every person who reads this article is able to tailor their “plan” to find places of safety that will somehow work for them!
Domestic Violence is RAMPANT in the church. The spirit of abuse (power and control), is not only in domestic violence, it is in any church where members/ pastors etc., use God to gain control over what they want. They use it to get their needs met. This generational curse needs to be broken! The spirit of abuse needs to be recognized, identified and dealt with as God says. It has been swept under the rug and ignored for long enough! Victims/survivors need to know what God says about abuse and abusers need to have consequences. Church members need to know what God says about abuse and how he says to deal with it!
Couldn’t agree more! Amen!!!
Is there another blog post by this author about emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, and manipulation? I would be really interested to hear her thoughts on that. If not Leslie Vernick I would also be interested in hearing from someone else.
Many years ago, my mother went to our pastor to get advice on how to handle emotional abuse from my dad. He disbelieved her and (in a nutshell) told her to go home and be a good little wife. Thankfully, she later got some good advice from a different pastor and long time family friend. It’s so sad to see serious things like this get swept under the rug. My heart aches for others who have gone through the same things and worse.
Yes! You are so right that too many people sweep this under the rug. It needs to be exposed to the Light. You can read more from Leslie Vernick at her web site at: https://leslievernick.com. She has a great ministry as she tries to help the abused become more enlightened and empowered with God’s leading. Hope you find this helpful.
Please understand that advised to leave is I’m sure well intended, but once the victim does, law enforcement rarely protects as promised. Court enforcement is very expensive and typically unavailable (please don’t depend on legal aid as they often turn domestic violence away as too complicated), and having already lost so much, desperate to merely not sink any lower, I went to a shelter where I couldn’t take my adult autistic son. Was hopeful for housing help.
I have panic attacks at night, often late, late night, requiring distraction from TV etc and often medications. Begging access to my medicine at 2am from a child younger than the one I was there trying to better provide for and told no. No meds. No TV. No lights on. No. Too often desperate for a simple foot up to allow execution of plans already in place.
Ex: you can use crime victims assistance to relocate. Your child’s SSI payments were redirected by abuser so you need to redirect back to you. Child support payments that are ordered have been unpaid and are under assessed. You can be paid for caring for your disabled child. Housing vouchers. Etc. All of this equals a doable existence to heal and get a plan. One thing… What do you do while waiting for the victim’s assistance? Where do you go?
You are great with money; the problem is he never lets you touch it. Not a penny in your purse. No vehicle you can leave in. The work truck never has fuel and he hides the keys. Denied glasses or contacts. Can’t see to drive and honestly walking distances is troublesome and can’t see to navigate public transportation. If you left while he was gone, where are you going to go? Friends will tell him. They are his friends, not yours. He took your id, lost it, and you’ve never been allowed to get around to replace it. No credit. No job. Can’t work and leave disabled son alone. Son eats limited specific diet. So far son always gets to eat. Leave and chance that being impossible?
Very quickly a smart educated, competent woman becomes ill from stress, fearful for child, making decisions to survive today knowing that tomorrow is unknown.
It’s not as simple as it appears on the surface.
I totally agree with your comment and can relate. I just wanted to post that you are not alone and that often times well intentioned organizations and ministries are not suited for the covert/hidden abuse tactics. The system overall seems to be designed to help those in obvious physical distress. Unfortunately physical abuse is not the only abuse form and there needs to be more awareness and support for those in various destructive situations.
I’m still trying to break out due to various complications and the only thing I can share is continue to seek the Holy Spirit for wisdom, direction, and strategies to break out. I’m praying for you and your son.
God do not agree with any form abuse.