“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(S.AFRICA) Dear Billy, I am the wife living under circumstances such as you describe. My husband after 35 years of marriage has left me for someone he met on “face book”. We separated in September 2008 as he wanted time to be alone “and think”???? During this time he used his freedom to engage even further in his affair.
Your words “God wants me to be happy” ring such bells of warning. He now wants a divorce.Yes God does want you to be happy but with your WIFE. Have you really tried??Are you committed to your marriage as God intended? If you truly want to be happy go back to your wife and with God’s help MAKE it work. Yes it is a sin to fall in love with someone else while married (you still are). It is called Adultery. God help you to do the right thing and receive the blessings God has in store for you as Husband and Wife.
(UNITED STATES) Hello everyone my name is Raqual. God is good and all the time he is. I want to tell you that I dated while I was separated from my husband and divorced him, but God did something miraculous. He restored my marriage with my husband. I too told my husband everything that was done in the time of my dating.
It is not good to date while separated. You must refrain from that because of your vulnerability. I must admit at time it gets hard within our marriage but God is good and with Him all things are possible. I want to share a scripture with you. The scripture is 1 Corinthians 7:10. Please read it and understand what God is saying in regards to marriage and separation. It helped me a lot and God blessed me with that to share with you… Be blessed :)
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been in an abusive marriage for 25 years. It’s a year that I have come to terms with the truth and only a few months that I have told others. My spouse did not allow me that kind of freedom in our marriage. I want to leave but feel it’s unfair since I have invested so much just to give it all up and live alone…
(USA) I think dating while separated can be healthy in some cases. I think that some people are separated for different reasons. If you and your spouse agree that you are separating to work on the marriage, then no, don’t date. If your purpose for separating is to get away from your spouse and position yourself for divorce, that dating can be very happy.
The author above said if you are not available for marriage then you are not available for dating, and I completely disagree. Why does a person have to marry again? Believe it or not, but all people do not date with the intention of marriage, and all people (even women) are not interested in marriage at all. Some people just like having someone special in their lives, and it does not have to lead to marriage. Dating can be very healthy and can help individuals know what’s out there, and it can help them get their feet wet. Sometimes dating can send a person running back to their spouse.
I personally feel if you are still interested in your marriage then you should not leave it and you should work on it while still in the same home with your spouse. If you separate, I think all bets are off and everything is up for grabs. Sometimes a person can discover the grass is greener on the other side, and some can discover the grass was greener at home. I say date, discover …see what’s out there. I think marriage is over-rated. Divorce rate is at 55% and they say 1 party out of the 75% remaining marriages is cheating …so why are so many people still rushing to marry? I think the marriage vows need to be updated. People are trying to emulate marriages from hundreds of years ago and that is plain unrealistic. The year is 2010 and marriage needs to be updated and is even outdated in many instances.
(USA) I totally disagree with this answer. I separated from my first wife and knew I was going to divorce. I did try to work on my marriage, but I dated. I had a female friend and it went from friend to lover to I was in love. You made the statement about the grass may not be greener. Well to tell you the truth, anyone dating has the greenest grass. When you date your best foot is forward, it isn’t until the newness wears off that the real person and relationship comes out. It’s too late then to realize what you had before. Just my thoughts.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I have been separated for 4 years now because of an affair I had 3 years prior to our separation. I’ve prayed and repented to GOD for my sins. I’ve asked my husband to forgive me also and he said that he did however he can’t look at me eye to eye whenever we see each other. GOD has told me as well as shown me that HE is going to reconcile our marriage but I don’t see anything that is promised. Everything is the total opposite of what i’ve been told by GOD.
There is an older man from my church who has fallen in love with me. We spend a lot of time together and I do love him, just not the way he loves me. I don’t want to start a relationship because it seems as though I’m taking my situation out of GOD’s hands because it seems like GOD is taking too long. I even get to a point where I’m questioning whether or not I actually heard from GOD. I’m 33 years old and I know that GOD has forgiven me but my faith has been stretched to a point that I am spiritually exhausted. What am I suppose to do? I’m trying so hard to hold on to GOD’s unchanging hand.
(USA) If you believe God, then don’t date the man in the church. Tell the man at church you are married and that if he respects what marriage means, he will honor your marriage, regardless it’s current condition.
If you date this man, you are simply having another affair. If your husband is watching, he will likely conclude that you’ve not learned anything from your first affair.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you Tony for the response. I’ve actually cut that off about an hour and a half ago. I guess sometimes we allow our selfishness to interfere with what’s right. GOD is working in me to make me a better woman of GOD as well as a better wife. I do believe GOD and my marriage will be in GOD’s time………
(PHILIPPINES) Hi, just call me Trisha. I am separated from my husband. I want some advice; what can i do? I am separated from my husband for almost 1 year. I have been married to him for almost 3 years, becoz of lots of arguments and emotional stress. I have 2 daughters, 1 year and the second is 4 months. We were separeted coz he cannot came back here in my country coz he is blacklisted. It’s a long story.
So now he said if he has a job, we will meet in Asia together with my daughters. My problem is, how he can came back to my country if he has a record as an immigrant? Our best choice is to meet in other country & places. Hopefully, I can get some advice. Trisha
(USA) Trisha, you must ask yourself: Are you sure you want to revisit arguments and emotional stress all over again?
I too want my marriage and family back but have often wondered if I would again accept derogatory comments, etc from my wife. I just wish she was willing to sit down and talk about the shortcomings. Kevin
(USA) My husband and I separated back in September 2009. We are still apart and my heart is still broken. I have tried everything to get him to return to our marriage. He has had several women that he dates and has had sexual encounters with. I have remained faithful and dedicated to him.
When does a wife give up hope when all she hears from her husband is that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with her? He does not call or contact me. The only contact we have is if I call him. I am lost. Please help me. How do I save my marriage or how do I let go? How will I know what path God has chosen for my marriage and life?
(USA) Jennifer, Attempt to recover your marriage before you fully let go. You are in a terrible position and my prayers are with you.
For recovery, please go to http://www.divorcebusting.com. If you have made satisfactory recovery attempts, then you may feel you have done all you can. Put it in the good lord hands, and you may have to move on and find someone deserving of your love. One thing is true, GOD does not want you to be a fool behind anybody.
(USA) Jennifer, it sounds like you are in the same situation as I. Exactly my question, when do you give up hope? Though I have tried everything in my power to at least talk about our short comings, the answer has always been no. Like my sister says: Kevin, does she need to hit you along side the head with a baseball bat and ask “What part of “NO” do you not understand”? Yet, I am still unable to let go.
If it were me and you have tried to contact him several times and he is dating and having sexual relationships with other women, I believe I would then make the divorce final, unless of course there are other things involved such as in my case. As the bible states “God hates divorce” but does say it is acceptable when infidelity is involved? Kevin
(UNITED STATES) My husband left me six weeks ago and he says that he is not coming back. He is much younger than me, not that it has anything to do with it, but I believe what God says about marriage and I’m standing on his word. We stood before God and made those vows; they should not have been broken… We just got married in oct of 2009. Advice please.
(USA) Anne, are you able to add any more information than your husband just leaving and stating “He is not coming back”? Was it completely out of the blue? Any warning signs what-so-ever? Kevin
(USA) After reading all pages in this discussion I see all have experienced the same pain and confusion as I have for the last two and a half years while being separated. She gave me the common statement “I don’t love you anymore and want to control my own destiny”. Not that I was ever a controlling person and as a matter of fact gave her my approval to go where ever she wanted. She left after I started drinking too much but honestly was using alcohol as a band-aid the way she treated me with derogatory comments, sexual activity only when she wanted it (after two children) and never opening up to me what was really in her heart.
Even though I tried to bring these conversations up I was always shot right back down. I realize alcohol is never a solution to any problem but it did make me feel better until I received an OWI and that of course was the last straw that broke the camels back. That is the issue at a high level. I want to press the enter key here to start a new paragraph but am afraid it will send what I have written here so far when I have more to write. So please bear with the utmost long paragraph :>).
We have been separated for going on three years because of health insurance reasons. This has always puzzled me because I feel if she wanted a divorce why not get a divorce? She says she is being nice as I am right now on her health insurance after taking a new job where I always carried the insurance previously. Through the courts we have it set up so we will get divorced at the end of this year. After the two year mark I called her to see if she was willing to try and rectify our relationship and she responded “NO” I am done (that really hurt as I still love her dearly).
So after the gazillionth time of being turned down, trying to start over again the way our relationship was in the beginning, knowing that our relationship may be better/worse but definitely not the way it was, I started dating a lady that has so far given me what I need, affection. Though I have prayed to God to guide me and after being rejected by my x-wife for too many times over, is this what God wants me to do? After all he wants us all to be happy, right?
The problem is I still love my x-wife and feel I am cheating on her. My x-wife may or may not be seeing somebody. I will never know because it is none of my business to play detective. All of my siblings tell me she is not coming back but for whatever reason I don’t want to believe it. Why is it so hard to let go? Now I feel torn between this girl I am dating and the threads still hanging on to my x-wife. After all, I don’t want to waste my life waiting only to be dumped in the end. Because I seem to refuse to take the advice from my siblings, I am turning to the Internet for any insight any of you can give me. Thank you in advance! Kevin
(USA) Thanks Kevin.
(UK) Kevin, you sound really confused and guilty over the state of your marriage, or should I say, what sounds like the the end of your marriage. Have you considered that the reason it may be hard to let go is traumatic bonding? Your wife was nice at times and you felt an attraction to her and wanted things to work out, although it sounds like she was selfish, abusive and didn’t do her bit. It sounds like it was an unequal relationship.
If she is not wanting the relationship, then it is over. The guilt is not from God. God doesn’t expect you to stay in a relationship where the other person is not willing to love, give, share, respect, honour, etc. You can’t change or control another person – it is totally up to her and it seems pretty clear you are not going to get blood out of a stone. While the statement “God wants us to be happy” is not really that accurate because He cares more for our character than our comfort, He DOES want us to live in peace, joy, love, etc. We make out like God is so religious that He cares more for the reputation of the institution of marriage than He is about the wholeness of the people in the marriage. PEOPLE is who Jesus came to save (“sozo” – to make whole), not marriages. Christians who talk about saving marriages at ALL cost are giving a warped image of God and making an idol of their marriage.
(S. AFRICA) The question “when do I give up,” when do I give up hope” is one I see in so many hurting spouses. Yes, I can say I know exactly how you feel. I had given up. I had faced rejection, adultery, 18 months of desertion and demands from my husband to “move on” and forget him, repeated cruel words from him that broke me down into a world of despair. All I can say that after 36 years of marriage I knew him better than anybody. This side of him was not the man I knew. I realized that somewhere deep down in his soul he had to know he was turning his back on God and kept praying for him. Divorce proceedings were on the go. All he wanted was me out of his life so that he could get remarried.
Well, a few days ago suddenly he phoned me? He was back in S. Africa. It was all over with this woman. My first reaction was “so what you asked for it”. What do you want from me now that she has dumped you?
The side of my husband I knew and loved is back. That small flame of hope has been rekindled as it was ALWAYS there. We are working at reconciling. He is living in a place of his own and we have agreed to start all over again. He has taken me out on a “date” but it all ends at the front door. I am praying and looking for all the signs of true repentance. It is going to take a long time, maybe a years. I am praying for God’s guidance; only He knows the future. Only He has the answers. I am working at forgiveness and know that only by His grace will I ever be able to allow my husband back into my heart again. That small flame of hope never goes out as much as we may say and feel it has. As long as we trust and put our lives in Gods hands His will for us will be revealed.
(S. AFRICA) Rose, I am so glad to hear that things are working out for you. I will keep praying for you and your husband.
My wife has not reached that stage yet, she is still dead set on divorce, but I keep praying every day for her that God heals her heart and mind. You were right when you said in the beginning that God is great and that He will fix things if you have faith. God Bless, Wayne
(S. AFRICA) Dearest Wayne, Thank you so much. Thank you for your prayers. Never give up hope. Your wife may not have reached that stage yet (I believed my husband never would) but there is always that little voice, that silent prayer of yours that reaches out and touches her heart in some way. I will continue to pray for you both. God bless.
(S. AFRICA) Rose, Thank you so much for your prayers. I have decided to keep going NO MATTER WHAT. I love my wife so much. I will keep praying every day for her heart and her mind. I will keep praying that God shows her the right path. I know that it is going to take a long time, but I am up for the challenge. God helped you, so I know He will help me. Keep in touch. Wayne
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for 4 years. My husband has cheated on me numerous times and I always take him back hoping that each time will be different. Well, I finally had enough and put him out in February 2010, only to discover that I am pregnant. He has moved in with his mother and is dating non-stop. He is registered on so many online dating services it is ridiculous. He lives like he is single and has no remorse for it. He says that since I don’t want him, he is not going to sit around twiddling his thumbs.
I still love him and a part of me expects a miracle. We still talk but more like friends instead of a couple trying to reconcile their marriage. I don’t date and don’t want to. Am I wrong for trying to hold on? Should I file for divorce, even though I am about to have his child?
(USA) Y’all have to be out y’all’s mind. My husband left me on my b-day and left me stranded at work with no way home for the first month. I begged him to come home and he didn’t so I got out there and hung out with friends and did not think about him again. Now where I went wrong is I had sex with an old friend and it didn’t feel right and I told my husband what I did and then he decides to come home. I guess when you show them that someone else wants you they will see what they are about to lose and come home. Just guessing.
(DURHAM) Well, my mom always say “you don’t miss your water until your well is dry”, so I guess you did the right thing and you stood up and admitted you felt wrong about the situation. What can I do in my case? I don’t want my husband back but now it’s like he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else so it’s like he is trying to do what he can to make the man I’m with mad so he will leave me. Is it adultery if you have moved on and you know you’re not going back?
(USA) The short answer is yes. If you are married, which you are, and you are having sex with another man, it’s adultery.
Let’s assume it wasn’t adultery. Is the man you are having sex with your husband? If the answer is no, then it’s fornication, which is a sin, just like adultery.
God has some pretty simple rules to keep us safe. Only have sex with your spouse. Period. It avoids a whole host of problems if one follows that very simple rule.
(DURHAM) I’m a 25 year old woman with 5 kids. I got married and didn’t think about the outcome. It wasn’t something we sat down and thought about. We had problems before then and I should have taken that as a hint not to get married, but I was hard headed and did it anyway. We have 3 kids together. The fighting, arguing, and invasion of his family in our lives was starting to be too much. I had guns pulled out on me more than 3 times and fighting was a regular thing. Okay well, I finally said forget it I want out. He went home with his mom and I stayed in my house with my 5 kids. I want a divorce but they say to wait a year before I go to file.
I waited 4 months and found a nice, handsome, respected gentleman who wants to be with me and my kids. My husband’s family didn’t want me to keep going through the drama and headache, but now that I’ve moved on they are mad. It’s like now I’m wrong because now my husband realized he messed up and wants to come home. I’m not turning back because putting my kids in danger is not the key. Now is it wrong to have someone that you now care about in you life? I know I’m not going back to my husband so can I go on with my life?
(USA) Regardless of what your husband has done, what did you say in your vows? Did you say you’ll be married to him until you get tired of him? Of course not.
Regardless what he’s done, he now (rightfully) feels betrayed. You agreed when you took your vows to be with him forever. You agreed when he went home, not to make any decisions about ending the marriage for a year. By your own admission, you went back on what you agreed to.
So take everything you felt with respect to him betraying you with the damaging behavior he expressed and recognize that essentially you’ve done the very same thing to him. So just as upset as you were by his behavior, he’s going to be equally upset by yours.
So yes, it’s wrong for you to being doing what you are doing, if you haven’t taken every possible step to restore your marriage. If the two of you have not been working with a qualified marital counsellor that will address the destructive behaviors BOTH of you are guilty of committing, then yes, you are just being sinful and selfish. No better, no worse than your husband.
From what I’ve read, your husband while not being loving, hasn’t done anything that warrants a divorce based on biblical standards. Now he needs to change his approach to marriage and dealing with conflict, family, etc. But it’s not an impossible thing to do.
Since you don’t mention that you’ve entered into any sort of program to address the issues each of you have, I don’t see how your current course of action is a good one. You are just jumping from one bad situation to another if you don’t get professional help so that you know how to recognized and participate in a healthy relationship. At the very least, do it so that you can recognize someone who is not healthy, and also do it so that you are a healthy partner.
Right now, I think you are just as dysfunctional as your husband, and choosing another man while married to one is a path to continued pain and suffering. That’s true independent of how bad your husband’s behavior is or has been in the past. His behavior has no bearing on how bad the decisions you are making will likely be.
Let a professional, someone who specializes in fixing marriages have a go at your marriage. If that person observes that your husband cannot or will not change his ways, or if he notes that you cannot or will not quit your equally destructive behaviors, then and only then should you end the marriage. Then WAIT for a couple of years before you seek to get involved with anyone else.
You do yourself and your family no favors by getting involved with another man while married and before you’ve gone through some professional counseling to make sure you are a healthy partner and know how to choose a healthy partner.
(BARBADOS) You sound like me. They all want to change at the last minute, but they need to change for themselves, not because they want you to keep them around.
I too have had the gun pulled on me, been choked, kicked off my bed, locked in the house with all communication confiscated, you name it. Even if he changes, I frankly do not care. It’s a risk I am not willing to take.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Well, nobody does all those things Salise, without being provoked. Why would you have communications confiscated if you are not cheating?