“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) I think this really depends on the situation. I’ve been separated from my spouse for seven months. He cheated on me with one woman I know of and others I suspect. He had no desire to reconcile, threw me out of the house twice and would not commit to working on the marriage. I was committed to the marriage and did everything I could to try to save it. He was unwilling.
And enough was enough for me. There is absolutely no chance of reconciliation. He’s busy with his other women. I’m enjoying my single life in my own place far from him… and have to say God has really blessed me richly every step of the way. It’s interesting that my spouse’s life has gotten worse (no job, vehicles repossessed, ran out of unemployment…). As I just said… I’m enjoying single life, but would be open to dating should it happen… of course… better to start off as friends in awareness that legally I’m still married….though very much divorced in heart. I just think it depends on the individual situation…. and one should proceed with eyes open caution.
(U.S.A.) Married 27 years, now separated for the first time. I feel we need counseling to understand each other and our needs. I did almost have a full blown affair 20 years ago and stopped before any real physical contact. The reason for this was and has been her frigidity and lack of affection for me.
We had a domestic violence recently when she came home to me sleeping in my own room, scratched my face, I shoved her, walked out and she called the cops. Now we are in a no contact that is putting us completely under financilay due to circumstances.
She is the only woman I have ever loved and don’t think I can love again. Every outside influence says divorce. I don’t think I should listen to these people that are so experienced in divorce and have given up. Too broken hearted to write any more now.
(USA) Vance, I think counseling would be a start. But honestly when you first met her you tried to understand her and met her needs as I’m sure she did for you. Sometimes we treat a stranger better than we do our spouse. I also realize that no one wants to cuddle with a rattle snake, a marriage is two people and both need to be accountable for what they are or are not contributing whether it is positive or negative. I think often there is the question of which came first. Sorta like the chicken or the egg. She says this so you do that or you do that and she says this. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I know that God can do the impossible and that we often get in the way. Colossians 3:13
(US) I am separated now for 3 months, but I have been mentally separated now for 2 years or more. I see no repairing my marriage of 28 yrs. The affairs and emotional abuse leaves me where there is no trust or emotion left for this relationship. We can be friends. In the meantime I have become friends with an old high school friend. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend although there was a crush thing going on. This has been going on for about 8 months. We email and talk on the phone.
We share everything from dislikes to likes and find we have so much in common. I do know this is an emotional affair. I want to know if its healthy? Oh, we do not live in the same state, which I think is good.
(BARBADOS) I am truly amazed at some of the comments that I see here. Sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves and realize that our marriages have gone awry because it is not what God wants for us. We tell God to have his will in our lives, but then we still want to tell him what his will should be.
If something is for you, the world will conspire with you to achieve it. There is no reason to harbor resentment and anger. Just take it for what you have learnt through it all, hear God’s voice calling you to other things, and move on.
(USA) This has nothing to do with God. The world revolved around God for certain people, but in marriage it can be stress, cheating, money, or something like being a slob.
(USA) My wife is dating other people during our separation. I thinks she’s totally wrong for doing that to me. We were married 17 years. I’m gonna tell her if you wanna date other people, don’t come back
(USA) Jesse, You guys are probably separated because she wants to date other people. Tell her “don’t let the door hit you on the way out”. It’s really how simple it is. This action is minimizing the importance of your marriage.
(USA) Hello all. I wish my case was so easy. My wife began to date even before we were separated. In fact, that was what pushed her to demand that I leave the house. Now I’m away, she’s still dating. My heart is broken. I cry almost everyday. I’m praying that God somehow would cause her to turn around and restore our marriage. I’m not seeing nobody, but I know it only complicates matters while she’s seeing a guy. I pray, I hope and I hope that God would restore our marriage.
Please do not date while you’re still married. I still behave like a married man. I’m waiting for my wife to come to herself like the prodigal and come back home and restore our marriage. Please pray that the good Lord would miraculously restore our marriage for His glory and the testimony of His name to the people.
“Gloria” I sympathise with you and I would love to know what has transpired of your situation. I pray and I’d love to know that God worked it out in your favor. Let me know.
(USA) My husband and I have been married 1 year. He is 64 and I am 56. He had some health issues and has been getting help for depression. He told me, right before our anniversary that he thinks he made a mistake and wanted a divorce. I told him I wanted to fight for our marriage.( he feels guilt for his first divorce after 28 years of marriage, can’t handle giving his family what he thinks they need and give to me). We are semi seperated. I went to his counselor with him one time. He hasn’t asked me to go again. For the last month and a half we have 2 homes so I am at one and he is at the other-two different towns.
We have been together on the weekends and have had sex. I told him we need to talk about us and he agrees, but we haven’t yet. Now he is dating another woman. I don’t think there has been sex. I just don’t get it. I have been everything a man could want. Sex anytime, affectionate, etc. I am an attractive lady and take care of myself. Anyway, I am very hurt and feel played. I don’t know why he is doing this if giving to another person is a problem for him. Should I just give up??? I feel so stupid. Or is this just him seeing if this divorce is what he really wants?
(USA) Reading between the lines, he feels guilty about divorcing his first wife, and thinks marriage is a mistake. What were the circumstances of his previous marriage? Did he choose to divorce his first wife? If so, why would you expect that it would be different with you. I sense that the pattern has repeated here, but much quicker given he learned he can “survive” a divorce.
He divorced his first wife, at some point met you, perhaps when he was still married, maybe not. Eventually he gets his divorce and then marries you. Now he’s seeing someone else and wants to divorce you. If this is anything close to his pattern, he’s likely a serial cheater. Unless he changes his MO, there really isn’t a future with him.
You probably were played. My advice since you are asking is to make it clear you will not tolerate cheating. He’s 100% in the marriage or you are 100% out. Those weekend visits for sex would end if it were my wife dating other men. You may have been played in the past, and you cannot change the past. But you can erect boundaries that prevent you getting played in the future. If he chooses divorce, it’s 100% on him. There is no logical reason to feel guilty about his choices.
Set your standards, Godly standards, and if he doesn’t want to live up to them, he is free to obtain the divorce he wants. You may even be able to get an annulment, depending on your state laws. It’s a short marriage, he’s already dating others. You take your assets, he take his and it’s all over. If he refuses to change his tune, it may be worth your while to see an attorney. While change is possible, it’s unlikely if he doesn’t see his behavior as a problem.
My other advice to you is don’t get involved with someone who is married (not saying you did) nor someone who abandoned his spouse. Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior.
(USA) My husband was dating at least 6 months ago & around the time we decided that there would be no reconciliation. What bothered me the most about is on his new relationship and our children were seeing him with his newly dating woman a week before they had been told our final decision about the marriage. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal… I hope to God they don’t follow his lead. He never respected our marriage & this was a perfect example.
(USA) Don’t put this all on him Allison. After all, you write that “we decided that there would be no reconciliation.”
So while you are concerned with the message he’s sending with his actions, you have no control over that message.
What about your concern about your message, which basically is saying that if things are not going well, you will agree to abandon your vows? You have control over that.
So, from my office chair on the internet, both you and your husband are sending messages that indicate that NEITHER you, nor he values the vow of marriage.
If you are a willing accomplice in ending the marriage, then are you not sending the message that marriage means little or nothing?
(US) I have not a comment but only a question. I have been married for many years and for many years I have been beaten. My husband and I have three kids whom are all teens now. I waited until my oldest child graduated high school and I left him. After so many years of going through the same thing over and over again I fell out of love with him as well as I developed the normal feelings of having low self esteem, feeling un-wanted, feeling trapped, emotional break-downs, wanting to kill myself etc.
I’m learning myself all over again as well as re-gaining a new out-look on life. In other words the healing process is taking place in my life. I honestly forgive him even if he never forgives me for leaving him. It’s not easy, for there are times still that I lay awake and cry; however, I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK!!! Not only did I leave him, but I also moved to another state because he does have the potentials of a stalker and if I had stayed there he would have harrassed me or maybe even worse.
When I left him I took the kids with me. Filing for a divorce is something that I’m doing for he said that he doesn’t want to divorce. Since I’ve been away I’ve met other guys but my friends tell me that I shouldn’t have any fellowship with a man until I’m divorced. I was told not to even have a man as a friend, don’t talk to one at all. Are they right or wrong???
Maria, I’m so sorry for the abuse you have suffered for so many years. NO ONE should EVER abuse another human being, let alone your marriage partner. I’m so glad that you are taking the journey of “learning” yourself “all over again.” Please continue on this journey to find out who God created you to be and to live as He leads. I hope you will… I encourage you to do so.
As far as dating, your friends are right. You are still married to this man, even though in your mind you have divorced him. Legally, you are still married and so even though you are separated and believe you will eventually become divorced, you would be doing that which you are not supposed to be doing as long as you are legally married. You would also be pulling someone else into an adulterous situation. You are still married.
Plus, right now, bringing other “guys” into your life, where the potential is one where your feelings and lives could become tied together in some significant way will only complicate matters (as well as being wrong because you are still legally married). It’s difficult to “find yourself” when you complicate it with feelings of attraction to someone else that is not your spouse. You are too vulnerable right now and can be too easily swayed into going in an unhealthy direction. Plus, your “kids” even though they are older, need some time as well to process through all of this without having to share you with someone else again. Please, work through your issues, process through what you have been through and pray about what you should be doing today and in the future, and stay away from others who may seem nice, and very well may be nice, but have not come into your life in the right season. This is a season of healing and simplifying and gaining wisdom and clarity as to how you are to live your life — not a season of dating and/or having friendships that will only complicate matters right now. I hope you will consider what I am trying to say here. It sounds like you have wise friends who have your best interest at heart. Pray about their advice and go with God in this, and HIS ways, not your inclinations.
(USA) My husband and I have been separated for almost two years now. I left him, planning on coming back. I hoped that if I left it would make him realize how he was not to walk all over me. We have two daughters one who was conceived purposely.
Well, we were separated. He has a girlfriend and has been with her not too long after I left. They also have two children. He tells everyone he doesn’t want to be with her, and tells me he wants to be with me but he can’t right now and that he still loves me, blah blah blah.
The thing is, I don’t want to sit back and watch him grow with some one else. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I just want to be happy. I’m young 21 years old and I just dont want to sit here depressed all the time wondering how he really feels. If he really wanted to be with me then he would right? He won’t take our kids alone; he always comes to my house to spend time with them. He doesn’t want me dating or even being friends with guys; he still basically controls me. I feel like he’s just keeping me around as a back up plan if things with him and his girlfriend don’t work out. He also won’t divorce me. I need some opinions and advice… please help me!
(UNITED STATES) Sounds like my situation my friend. Well, what you should do, is try to talk to him one on one. Not really alone, but maybe in a public setting, like a diner or somthing like that, and really describe to him how you feel, and how you want it to be. Now if he won’t divorce you, then that could be a sign. He is confused right now, between two females. What you gotta do is show him why he fell in love with you in the first place, whether it was a good personality, or fun, or something like that.
I would say pray about it, and pray for him. Show him the fun times that you two had together. If you really have to, talk to his new girlfriend. Tell her how you feel. (I know thats easier said than done). One thing that REALLY helps me get through my separation is writing letters to him, all about how I feel, and what I feel, even if I don’t give them to him.
I hope this helps, I’m dealing with the same battle. So good luck, and don’t lose hope, if you still love him. (I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 23; he’s 26 now, and I’m 21.) So we have been together for about 3.5 years.)
Heres my story: I’m 21 as well, and like you, things weren’t going so well, and I left to try to make things better. Now, I made some pretty screwed up decisions. I hurriedly signed the divorce papers (without thinking deeply about it). I had all intention of coming back, and working on our marriage. Of course (being a typical male), he jumped to conclusions and thought that I didn’t love him anymore, and I basically moved on, because I had left. Could have been without the divorce, but hey. So I left, and I was planning on coming back. It turns out that he “got a new life” while I was gone, not to mention, he signed the divorce papers. He didn’t want to at first… I’m not sure his “roommate” is really a roomate. Anyway, I know how you feel.
(KENYA) I am 25 yrs old, been married for a year, and one day my hubby came home and said he no longer loves me. He wants to find someone who can love him and he can love back. He said the only thing connecting me and him is our one year old son. He also says he won’t apply for a divorce. These are hurtful statements and I also discovered he had huge debts I never knew about. I cannot ever trust him again.
I don’t plan to file for a divorce yet, because of the financial implications of paying for the process. He gave up on our marriage after only one year and refused to talk about what the problem was. He refused to try to work things out. Its been four months now…. we had a colouful wedding but that doesn’t mean anything to him. How can I possibly wait on a guy like this?
(USA) I was searching for this answer the first 6 months after I started to date a man I fell in love with. He was separated and I waited till about 4 months in to devote myself to him. He kept reassuring me that he was not using me as a rebound. A month after his divorce was final I moved into his home. It was then that he started acting super distant, and eventually cut off emotionally from me. I had to find another place to live and start all over. Please, for your own sake, understand that a normal person is never ready to date anyone during a separation or right after a divorce. You will be heart broken and exhausted.
(UNITED STATES) I’m having difficulties with that right now. My husband and I are in the middle of a divorce. No papers have been signed, so the divorce is not final. We are separated for now. What I’m worried about is the other female he has been “living” with. Although he says she’s a roommate, I think she might be something else. He stopped talking to me cold turkey, and now she talks to me, and tells me how she helped him, though this greatly troubles me. I’m not dating anyone right now, as I know it is just more infidelity during this separation time period. I still love him, and have no desire to date anyone else, but it still confuses me. Is he dating this other girl, or is she really just a roommate? I need help and prayers. Thanks and God Bless.
(CANADA) My husband left me and our 3 year old girl only 2 months after getting married. For 3 months he chose drinking and drugs and crappy friends over us. I have a guy who asks me out all the time and I am very tempted. I heard over and over that my “husband” is with other girls so I might just move on and go on a date.
I think it’s ok if you are honest about your fears with the new person and make it clear that it’s no time for a serious relationship… I have been through too much with my husband… good luck people. And don’t forget… you have only one life to live. Just be respectful of your children and keep anyone new out of their lives for a long time.
(USA) It depends on the intent of the separation. Unfortunately, most people’s intentions are to not seriously consider reconciliation, therefore, why wait? As long as custody or alimony is not affected by dating while separated, I say go for it!