“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(TT) My husband works away for 4 months and 2 months home. Since 2006 I found out that he has been unfaithful every time he went back to work. And now it’s worse. I put him out. He got an apartment realizing that he met a girl on line and paid for her to come here and spent the last 2 weeks with him.
He went back to work and came back after 4 months. I asked him if he wanted to stay with me and his kids. His reply was, I’m getting a lot of texts and calls and I don’t think that would be a good idea. So, he rented an apartment and after a week he went to meet the same girl in her country, the same one he met on line… stated that we are separated… and telling me that his heart belongs to her country. What do you think about my HUSBAND? Confused.
(USA) I can’t disagree more. I’ve spent way too much time working on my marriage. From day 1 its been a mess. I deployed shortly after we were married, missed the birth of my son and broke my leg only to come back to find she was cheating the whole time up to two days before my son was born. I forgave her and tried to make things work but she’d rather party than help with my son.
I woke up every night and I had to be at work at five a.m. One day I found her parked at a guys house around the corner and she ran out the back door. I once again tried to work things out because she denied anything happened. I also deployed for a month to come back to her running off to Florida with some dude. I’m done.
I have a great woman right now who cares more than my wife ever did. I don’t care about what God thinks, he’ll forgive me, but I refuse to be miserable until the year of separation is up and the divorce is final.
(US) I found out my wife was being unfaithful to me. For a long time, I never wanted to believe she was, but the signs were there. Her coming home late. Hiding her phone, keeping it on silent… etc.
It really confused me because we had a great bedroom life. Well anyways… I tried to beg her and tell her how much I love her. But she has stated she no longer loves me and has been ready to “move on.” As Christians we always have to do what is right. In the end… married or unmarried. You have to acknowledge that your primary realtionship is with the Lord. Be faithful to him until the end so you can get your crown of Life. I decided to no longer chase her. We are unequally yoked.
I want to serve God, and she does not. Do not EVER conform to the world’s standards about …”Ya… go date, move on, find someone else.” THAT IS NONSENSE because you are still MARRIED!!!
Well anyway, I am finding my peace and joy serving the Lord. I am no longer worried what happens in our relationship. I gave it in His hands. I am waiting on His will, because that is what is going to happen anyways. It’s about HIS WILL, whether He wants to fix the relationship or not. I know people that are standing for their relationships don’t want to hear this but it is the Truth. Some marriages God does restore. And some he doesn’t. Don’t stop fighting the good fight of faith.
From my research it takes about 2 years on average for the wayward (lost) spouse to return. God bless you all. I hope you continue to seek his will and his peace.
(UNITED STATES) Well, I am a bit lost, to say the least. I am not the ordinary male, by any means. Allow me to explain, so that I may get the best advice possible.
I met my wife through her father, which I worked with for a few years. I watched her go through a lot of bad things and eventually my heart got the best of me. When she was 17 years old, she became pregnant with her boyfriend’s child. He verbally and physically abused her. When I saw that she was not being taken care of, I chased him off and helped her back up. In doing this, I fell in love with her.
A few months later, she gave birth to a baby boy, which I became the father for. He was born with defects from many reasons, but, it did not phase me. We started building a real life together and I took her out of poverty/abuse. She also saved me, because I am anti-social and did not think I would find love. Though 5 years of age separated us, we were very happy. Tragically, my son passed away soon after, due to medical complications. We faced our hardest times together and supported each other.
Fast forward 5 years later, with 2 boys being born and healthy. Things were wonderful for us and I was the happiest man alive. We went out on dates often and had many family vacations together. Then, suddenly, a severe change in our lives. I moved in with my sister to help her with a divorce she was going through, being abandoned with 2 kids (my sister). Shortly after this, my wife’s attitude changed. She started going to clubs, staying out late and going places without any contact. She started to act unhappy with me, so, of course I asked why she was unhappy. I tried to increase sex life, romance and attention (dates and traveling). To no avail.
Shortly after, she stated she lost the spark for me and needed time to find herself. Against my wishes and judgement, we separated. I knew something was coming because I found numbers on her phone and messages on facebook. Then I found out about her “friend.” She told me he was just a friend and nothing more. We continued to be sexually active for months, until, I found out that she was actually dating this “friend.” When confronted, she stated too much was done to go back and it can’t be repaired. She said her new “boyfriend” respects her and she wants a divorce. Offered councilling and change, because, she stated I did not give her enough attention or help around the house. (I cooked, cleaned and watched the kids while she went out to play.) I told her I love her more than anything. She is dating him, I am not dating romantically. What should I do…?
(USA) Jordache, Please let me tell you that she needed to find Jesus… There’s a hole in all of us, required for the Lord. There is a film called Fireproof, which has been excellent to me and my husband… You should watch it.
Also, ask God to mold and heal you of the damage before you try to reconcile because it will come up and make matters worse. Talk it out and most of all, reach out. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. Some local churches have marriage 911 groups or social groups formed to help people going through struggles. Never try to do it alone. God did not intend it to be that way. God needs you and He has called you to help people, such as yourself, who are hardships.
Never turn to another relationship for comfort. It will definitely make her want to continue her sinful deeds. Pray for her. Pick yourself up and after doing all that, stand still and let God work out the wrinkles before reconciling. Have some boundaries that you both can respect. Please go to my web site, http://www.mindsdomatter.com for info and encouragement.
(US) Oh my gosh, bro… You sound like the type of guy that is in a fairytale. You sound too good to be true. Is there something wrong you did that you are not disclosing?
Well, if you still beleive in your marriage and want to stand for it, and forgive her. Check out the site rejoiceministries.org. It is all about standing for your marriage and still acting married while your spouse is lost in the world. My prayer goes out to you Jordache, and all other people like you that are facing similar difficulties.
My wife doesn’t want anything to do with me, but I am leaving it in God’s hands and asking His will. Whether he wants it reconciled or not.
Your situation is totally different than mine. You have children involved. I did not. You have children involved so I would ask God to reconcile and heal whatever is wrong. I would recommend for you to stand for your marriage in faith, and ask God for wisdom, patience, and a forgiving heart, and for God to get her out of the trap of the devil. The devil is a liar, and your spouse is obviously caught up in the lust of this world. Do not seek a divorce and do not be tempted by your flesh to seek any other partner, as you are vulnerable at this time.
Remember Job’s story and reflect on what he went through. He still remained faithful to God, in everything that he lost. In the end of Job’s story, remember he was blessed even double than before because he remained faithful and loyal to God. And in the end, we need to put our relationship with Christ first, anyway. Maybe in your relationship you focused too much on your spouse and not enough on God. In Job 2: 21-22 it is written… The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.” In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.
Don’t look at how big your problems are, look on the BIGNESS of God! Luke 1:37, For with God nothing shall be impossible.
Don’t lose your faith, and keep your eyes focused on Him. Matthew 6:33, But seek you first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you so much for your advice. I did not hide anything with my previous post. We both had small issues, such as me working a lot, sometimes playing too much on the computer, her not being an assertive wife (running the house in my stead). These are smaller things that could be worked on together with proper communication. I am no fairytale man, I have my flaws, but, I loved her beyond normal love. I still wake up screaming, from the nightmares of her finding happiness with another man. All I do is pray for her happiness. I am starting to go to church more and I hope God reveals his will. And soon.
(USA) My husband of 24 yrs moved out over 2 month’s ago. For about the first 15 days, I couldn’t eat, sleep, carry on as I usually had. Looking back, that time is very blurry in my mind, it seems like ions ago! My husband was very angry, but also depressed. (I’m fairly certain he is struggling with MLC, he exhibits many classic signs.)
I have used the last 2 months to acknowledge my contributions that have caused my marriage to deteriorate. My counselor has been very helpful in guiding me through this long, and painful process. Thankfully, and fortunatly, it has all been worth it. I’ve grown in my relationship with God. Honestly, he has been my sustainer through all of this.
I met my husband for coffee tonight and he told me he had filed the “papers,” but I didn’t let him see me sweat! It’s VERY important to maintain some level of dignity during this painful process. Anyway, after telling me 5 days ago that he definitely will be seeking divorce, he told me tonight that he wants to return to counseling to work on our marriage and to work on our own individual issues.
Listen to me. Pray without ceasing! You can pray anywhere, anytime! Maintain a continual attitude of prayer.Once you become more accustomed to this, you will be hooked! I promise!
If you are standing for your marriage, be careful to guard yourself against any temptation. I still don’t know what the end result will be, but I promise, God has carried me the whole way, and He wants to carry you too if you’ll let him! He’ll never barge His way into our lives. Invite Him in! I promise, you won’t be sorry!!!
(USA) My husband of 24 yrs moved out over 2mos. ago. For about the first 15 days, I couldn’t eat, sleep, carry on as I usually had. Looking back, that time is very blurry in my mind. It seems like ions ago! My husband was very angry, but also depressed. I’m fairly certain he is struggling with MLC. He exhibits many classic signs.
Anyway, I have used the last 2 months to acknowledge my contributions that have caused my marriage to deteriorate. My counselor has been very helpful in guiding me through this long, painful process. Thankfully, it has been worth it. I’ve grown in my relationship with God. Honestly, he has been my sustainer through all of this.
I met my husband for coffee tonight and he told me he had filed the “papers,” but I didn’t let him see me sweat! It’s VERY important to maintain some level of dignity during this painful process. Anyway, after telling me 5 days ago that he definately will be seeking divorce, he told me tonight that he wants to return to counseling to work on our marriage and to work on our own individual issues. Listen to me. Pray without ceasing! You can pray anywhere, anytime! Maintain a continual attitude of prayer. Once you become more accustomed to this, you will be hooked! I promise!
If you are standing for your marriage, be careful to guard yourself against any temptation. I still don’t know what the end result will be, but I promise, God has carried me the whole way and he wants to carry you too if you’ll let him! He’ll never barge His way into our lives. Invite Him in! I promise, you won’t be sorry!
(NIGERIA) I came back from a trip and observed that my wife had removed from our home and carefully packed all her belongings, including all our wedding pictures. When I asked her if she had plans to travel, she flared up at me. That evening, she told me that she had decided to move over to her parent’s home. All my efforts to make her stay yielded no fruits.
She has told me several times that our marriage was not what she wished for. Since I take good care of her and actually make some efforts to make the marriage succeed, I have been a bit confused. I am 20 years older than her and I married as a virgin.
(USA) @George, start having fun!! And enjoy life. Do some traveling and don’t worry. Go and experience life. She will have to catch up to you, then she’ll want to have some spark and want you to start having some good times with her!!!
A boring marriage is worse than having a marriage with a lot of fighting because at least there is something to do. Some women want tough men. They want men who will also be romantic. And one thing I might add is to never travel alone while married, if at all possible. It’s not wise. Women feel neglected… especially if she is already having problems with neglect.
(USA) Beloved sisters and brothers, Jesus says above all things I wish that you will be in good health and prosper, even as your soul prospers. That also means in relationships, as well. When a spouse says they want to see other people, sometimes what they are saying to you is, let’s seek other options at working out our relationship, other than traditionally.
I have felt the same pain. My husband walked out on me and left me with all the bills and sided up with his family who told him he should divorce. They even took him down to get papers, which was the ultimate betrayal. However, as God has been molding me and making me I, I have found inner strength and that’s what he wishes to give us all with his healing words and love.
Me and my husband have been reconciled and that’s not it. He is now in the Lord 3 weeks now, saved and excited. I never gave up praying for him and seeking God and His counsel. I had support and most of all the love of God never waxed cold in my heart cause it was real. Let God mold you, and make you, and comfort you all. Please see my blogs on http://www.mindsdomatter.com. Love you all with the Love of Christ.
(USA) If a spouse does not want to forgive you, ask God to work on his/her heart. Once that’s done, ask him for complete restoration of everything lost in that relationship. God will give you double for your trouble.
A spouse that has wandered away from God’s institution is running away from God and not you!!! Pray and ask God to change you in the process.
(USA) I have been married for 16 years now. I was married really young (20) due to the birth of my daughter. I never really loved my wife. She was a friend who was there for me while I was fighting with my parents, whom I lived with prior to getting married. My wife and I never really got along. If she said black, I would say white. Our marriage was NEVER very intimate or romantic. On our honeymoon, we were only together a couple of times during the week (sexually). My wife has bipolar tendancies, and mental illness runs in her family.
We have separated a few times over the past 5 years. I have difficulty even being in the room with her. My entire family feels the same way as I do. When you are next to her, there just isn’t any room for you (emotionally speaking). During my last separation, I met a great woman. I do not want to focus on her right now, as this discussion is more about my marriage. I will say that this woman is everything I ever have wanted and needed (emotionally, physically, spiritually). She is 2 years older than I am, and my wife is 3 years younger.
My question is: Should I divorce my wife? I have been thinking about it for my entire marriage. The only thing that kept me hanging on so long are my children. When my oldest child was 6, I was about to get a divorce. Then my wife ‘decided’ on her own that she would get pregnant… hence my 2nd child was born. This trapped me for another 10 years, but now I am ready to divorce again. HELP…
I know this response comes late, but the answer is No, you should not divorce your wife. I could tell from the first paragraph that you were having an affair, and to turn your family against her. I feel for her. Life may be difficult with her, but you will carry all that baggage into your next relationship. There’s only one true reason given for divorce, the cause of fornication –sexual relations outside of your marriage. If your spouse hasn’t done this, there is no grounds for divorce. You need to cut off all ties with the new affair partner, and work to rebuild your marriage. Perhaps Marriage Builders would be a good place for you to start. You can learn to love your wife, but you will need to stop blaming her for your decision to seek someone outside of your marriage. What an investment of time to just throw in the toilet!
You are under a spell currently. If you persist in this new affair, and try to marry or live with this woman, you will end up disillusioned after two years. You won’t trust her, nor she you, because of the conditions you met under. God is concerned with logistics, believe it or not. Honor.
(SPAIN) My wife of 10 years left me 4 months ago for reasons of wanting to be more independant, and stronger as a woman. I never cheated on her, hit her or mistreated her in any way. If anything, we were the perfect couple (at least I thought) House, cars, 3 kids, living the dream.
Due to me working away so much, we drifted apart, to the point where she rang me on the phone and said she wanted out.
After a couple of months of trying to get her back, I gave up, and gave in to the temptation of lust.
I have only known this girl for less than 6 weeks, and already she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby. The outcome of this is not going to be good, as I am still deeply in love with my wife. Even though she left me, I feel she does still love me, and this will drive her away completely. She will be hurt. BIG TIME. So my advice, be very careful!!!!!
(MILWAUKEE) Hi, I am also going through a very complicated separation at the moment. First off, me and my husband are still married but separated, we have a beautiful daughter together about almost two year’s old. The reason for this separation was because my husband abused me and my daughter a lot. I’ve made police reports on child abuse and he was sent to jail for the next three days to question him. I felt very guilty of doing so to him, but continued to go through court with him.
As soon as he got out of jail, he started talking to another woman and eventually got her pregnant. He never married her or are just living together. Anyways, my point is, my husband is still in love with me, and I fear he will come back to me and my daughter and I don’t know if i’ll be able to accept him back, especially when he’s done me so wrong and got another woman pregnant. I just know that my husband will return.
I’m praying constantly to see where and when will we both reconcile. If not, is it best I move on or should I wait knowing he might not come back?
You cannot accept a living situation of danger, period. The Bible allows for separation. He needs serious, long-term, counseling. Being abusive is a choice, not an accident of the mind. You are the only responsible parent your child has at present. Take that role seriously and do not endanger her further!
(US) OK, so I’m 24, been married for almost a year, have been with her for 2 years before getting hitched. She’s turning 21 next Friday. I live at my parent’s house which every young and mature person knows how it goes there. Well, she lives at her mom and step dad’s house and she won’t move back in with me here. I did mess up a lot, not cheating but being a thug, and too selfish, and greedy for my addiction. I miss her, and you are all right, it is very unbearable.
I’ve always been a good father and was always showing affection to her. She’s not the same but learning to be more affectionate to me. I do get to see her, maybe, twice a week. She’s been gone over a month now, probably gettin close to two. I’m so scared that I’m going to find comfort somewhere else. I have told her how I’ve felt about this, that this separation is scaring me, concerning our relationship.
She says she doesn’t want to move back with me at the folks, only if I get a crib. It’s hard to do that where I’m at. I got a job today but it might not be enough for an apartment so I stressed very calmly to her once more, how much I missed them. I need them back.
Today I’ve been relapsing on beer, not to get drunk, but to relax and sleep. I don’t have money, right now so I can’t just drink whenever, only to help sleep. This is very hard to deal with. It’s the first time I’ve been separated from the girls for such a good bit of time. I’m afraid on know I’m very vulnerable and scared I might meet somebody to tend to my needs when I just want it from my wife. But I don’t get it cause she’s not beside me. We want to stay together and don’t want to divorce. I envy her so much cause she says she’s coping.
She doesn’t think we need counseling. I don’t want it to just be me going, and I know she won’t go, so I’m very lost. It is all so far to reach. The good thing is we want to be together still, but this separation for the time being, scares me. Thanks, Nate
(CANADA) Hello everyone. It’s nice to read there are others feeling the same way I do. Not a ‘nice’ situation by far – but there is comfort to know I’m not alone with this kind of hurt.
My husband left me two months ago. We had a huge blow-out one night when he came home drunk. He started to pick fights and I calmly took his verbal abuse. I asked him to make a decision, drinking or your family -he grabbed a few items and left that night. I was heartbroken to be second fiddle to an addiction, but in my heart, I know it was best for my overall sanity. I had to protect my own mind from the constant abuse he would throw at me when he was drinking, and since he left, my self esteem has returned a little each day. Sucks that I still love him, though.
So, he has been dating other women. How do I know this? He would drive around town and harass me by showing up in places I would be -with the new girlfriend on his arm. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the separation, but this has torn me down further. My friends and family have commented on his new gf -and truthfully I wish not to hear it but how can you avoid the shame? I understand this will heal in time, and that I must be strong and accept his madness as his own -but I cry alone and wish I never met someone like him.
Why does loving someone have to be this cruel? I never want to love again if it means risking this kind of anguish and pain. I go through the scenarios in my head and wonder what I did to deserve this kind of treatment, when all I did was love and support him. Most days I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. When I saw her -I felt sorry for her. She was very good looking and younger than him, so it was an extra slap in my face. I wonder if she knew what I went through, would she even consider being with him? I do know, however, he would paint me in a bad picture to gain sympathy from willing women. So at the end of the day, they will be the ones to replace me in regards to being abused verbally, psysically and emotionally.
The small hope I had for him is gone, and replaced with sadness. In a way this is probably the best way for me to distance myself from him. Least his attention is on someone else, and I will be free from all the craziness of loving a drunk, controlling man.
I just wish it didn’t hurt, that I didn’t have so many regrets, and that all that time wasn’t wasted on someone who just threw it away.
Thanks for reading my post. If anyone else is feeling the same way I am… least you’re not alone. Suzanne
(ZIMBABWE) Hey Suzanne, I thank God for you and for your post. Your situation is similar to mine, but remember that Jehovah sees and hears the cries of the righteous…
What I have learned during my 5 month separation is to learn to fall in love with myself again and wash away the pain and hurt I felt inside and fill it with compassion. I have learned a lot during this period… I am almost 26 but now have the wisdom of a 40 year old.
Do not judge the whole race by one rotten encounter. I know that the Lord has more in store for our lives. Fall in love with yourself and God again He will never fail us. My prayers go to you today.