“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) Hi, I feel that some of these stories are just like mine. Almost two years of marriage, deeply in love with my husband, but he says he’s confused. I found out that he’s on many social dating sites looking for someone. Also I do know that he’s been talking to more than one of his girlfriend’s here in USA and some others from our home Country.
He is also keeping it secret that after his divorce (7 years ago) he got married again, already asked me for a divorce but there are some businesses that we need to finish before, so we are still in same bed and everything. He sends text messages and e-mail to his girlfriends in front of me. It hurts. I moved to this state when we got married, so I have no friends at all and want to save my marriage. I don’t know how to handle this situation… please help :( Thx
Pray, seek Jesus, and find out what he wants you to do clearly in your life of sin, clear directions so that Jesus can show you what you must do next. A marriage not build on Christ is bound to fail. Make him the center peace.
(USA) Thank you for the encouragement and insight. I’m so heartbroken right now. I have been married five years. Last year, my wife left for three days, but came back. At the same time this year–this morning, in fact–her and her family planned for her to leave me again. She says she needs to find herself, that we’re through for good. She didn’t even tell me where she was going.
I had to find out from a friend that she had gone to stay with her father (who has never wanted us together). Her family even refused to attend our wedding because we didn’t have the money to do it their way. Anyhow, I love her more than life itself. I told her so and she replied that she didn’t care and that her mind was made up. I just don’t know what to do.
(UNITED STATES) I am reading a lot of comments here from betrayed spouses. I want you to know that I am also a betrayed spouse. I understand the pain. My wife left my 3 children and I and later returned.
I want you to know there is hope. There is a chance that your marriages can be saved. It requires ACTION on your part!
First, you need to stop asking the wayward spouses why they are having an affair. A wayward spouse DOES NOT think clearly. They are in what is called a “wayward fog.” It doesnt matter if we are speaking of a 50 year old man that cashes in his pension to buy a new car and leaves his wife and kids for a girl half his age; or a 45 year old woman that leaves her husband and children for a scumbag. It is a waste of your time to ask for a reasonable explanation. DO YOU ASK A DRUG ADDICT WHY THEY USE DRUGS? WASTE OF TIME!
Second, affairs thrive in the dark. It is important to shine the light of truth on the affair by EXPOSING THE AFFAIR TO ALL FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS. If the wayward spouses affair partner is married, the affair should be exposed to the betrayed spouse. If the spouses work together (very common), worship together, etc the affair should be exposed to the employer, pastor, etc.
Third, try to meet as many emotional needs of the wayward spouse as possible. be as kind as possible, while fighting against the affair as strongly as possible. this is a carrot and stick approach; the carrot is a loving spouse (you) trying to meet your wayward spouses top emotional needs; the stick is the affair exposure, and holding the wayward spouse accountable.
Waywards will often make statements like, “we are just friends,”; “I love you like a brother,” ; “I love you but I’m not in love with you”; “I need some space to myself”… These all translate to: I’m having an affair.
Do not believe ANYTHING the wayward spouse tells you during and after the affair. Waywards will usually lie and say an affair is over after exposure; do not believe them.
There is an anonymous forum you can join for help in your situations. It is marriagebuilders.com; click on forum on the upper right hand corner and join “surviving an affair”
Lastly, remember: Waywards always blame the betrayed spouse for the affair. We are all accountable for OUR OWN actions. You are not responsible for your wayward spouses actions. You likely helped create an environment which made the affair more possible (by failing to meet your spouses emotional needs), but a person chooses to have an affair. Nobody is forced to have an affair. (Eve was not forced to eat from the fruit of the forbidden tree, she chose to. Adam chose to.)
(USA) My name is Lindsey…I have been married for 7 years. I have 3 boys (5, 4, and 2)! My husband and I have seperated so many times; We recently seperated for 8 months now. He dated 2 people I know about and brought the women around my kids, etc. I definitely did not agree with that, but he did! He talked down about me to everyone and invited them to his work functions etc.
Well, now we are working things out, but I still have this voice or emotion.. (something) I can’t explain eating me up inside. I dont know if I am just angry! I love this man so much it hurts. But he is over protective of his phone, facebook, etc. I gues my question is…Can you really work things out just knowing what really happened? As in sex in the bed, couch, and floor. I am in NEED of answers!!! Thanks
(AUSTRALIA) Hello to everyone involved in this discussion & all readers. I can sympathize & agree with some of the comments here. I am in similar situation to some.
My husband decided to separate from me mid August 2011, after 18.5 years of married life together. It was shocking & upsetting for the feelings weren’t mutual. My husband even wrote me a letter he typed early morning the day he was leaving & gave it to me while he was present. He basically was saying we had grown apart, he was unhappy with our relationship, marriage & didn’t love me anymore.
We have (which is common for many) had rocky times, many heated & not so heated arguments, conflicts, even a little domestic violence. Though we have also had many rich, happy, loving times & experiences together. I am thankful for having my only child; Mishka my girl with the tail (best companion~puppy~child), who I thought both of us cherished dearly. But it seems my husband can live easily enough without her. I thought we had so many good things worth retaining our marriage for.
But my husband sees things differently, & no matter what I say or do, he is resolute to end our marriage. We have been separated for 6 months now & today he mentioned he will divorce me; when the time comes (in Australia couples have to be separated for at least 12 months before filing for divorce).
I don’t want any of this & have done what I can to try to save our marriage. But what can I do further; when he won’t try/doesn’t want to reconciliate in anyway, shape or form & won’t talk about his reasons for leaving anymore? He just keeps saying he will never return home to live.
He has moved a lot of things from our house including a lot of our books (ones he using/owns). I am finding it hard to move on. And as for dating or finding another partner to love/be with, I can’t see myself starting again with someone else. My husband & I had been a couple (before/during marriage) for 21 years. And it’s very hard to even consider the possiblity of finding a suitable & loving partner, getting used to each other as new partners, differing life styles too, being comfortable together. You see when couples are together for such a long time, & have so many known habits, familarity with each other & are used to each others natures, ways & so on. It is difficult in my experience to see myself starting this all over again with another person i.e. a suitable, appealing person.
I believe marriage is for life, that’s the whole idea of it, the vows are there for good reasons. Nothing in life is just a stroll in the park, but also has roller coasters, rocky roads & the like. So I can take the good with the bad & pick up again, but unfortunately my husband as he said; can’t handle our relationship/problems anymore.
So in my view the only times that separation/divorce should happen is in extreme circumstances, like adultery, incest, major domestic violence, alcholism/extreme drug abuse etc. I don’t think a person should separate or divorce their partner just because their marriage has had lots of arguments, ups & downs & even if they don’t love their partner anymore, or maybe they have only really lost the love on the surface, but deep down, it’s still there. As love can renew/rediscover itself; if both partners allow it, respect each other, their marriage & all they have given & sacrificed in marriage. Respect each others hopes & dreams. Isn’t this what marriage is really meant to be about? Being there as life companions/partners being mentors, best friends & lovers through it all whether good, bad or indifferent.
Honestly, the amount of people who leave their partners and end their marriages is as we all know astronomical. But a lot of these broken marriages needn’t be if people have more faith, soul search & keep believing in each other as partners even in the tough times, even when they’re yelling at each other’s faces & think it’s hopeless. This is one of many of lifes’ trials to strengthen us as couples, individual living beings to test the vows. Actually the vows are also to help guide us keep us on the right track. But it seems many couples don’t look to the vows that they sacredly swore to uphold until death do they part. What happened to these ideals with lots of couples?
On the other hand I still know & see many older generation couples i.e. 60+ years staying together, more so than younger persons do, even though they too have often had rough times & lot of arguments, and various ups & downs, personal health problems included, even drug abuse or alchoholism in some cases. I have witnessed my own parents heated arguing several times over the years, also doing this when I was a teenager/adolescent, & one of them threatening to leave the other on several occasions, though it didn’t eventuate as they are in their 51st year of marriage this year. To me, arguing is a normal part of life, marriage or any relationship with another person.
I have just one last comment or question, really. Is is just the younger generations i.e. those that are in their 50’s or younger separating/divorcing or is this just as common in seniors worldwide, of course? I personally know up to 15 couples varing age ranges who have been through separation & divorce, and I am sure this has had a subconscious affect on my marriage.
(GERMANY) Hi all. I need your advice. I have been married for 6 years. Even though my wife is a serious eplipticer she gave me two beautiful kids (1 and a half, 6m). Actually those last 6 years had been really a big challenge for me. Now I wanted to separate from her. My reasons 1. Deep family involvement by her side. 2. She doesn’t look after her at all. 3. My feeling is not with her any more. (I think I have fallen in love with a girl, with whom until now, I do not have anything.)
I have tried to talk to my wife about the existing problems several times. She never payed any attention to it. But now my sense tells me it is time. Is it possible if once your feeling flew out of the window to come back in normal? What do you advice me?
(USA) I have been married 3 years 1 month and 17 days. Though our marrige started out with nothing but lies on his part, I still gave my husband a chance to work out our differences. We have a beautiful daughter. At age 9 months I found out my husband gave me a STD and cheated on me with a stripper. My heart was completely torn. I felt like I lost myself in this ball of lies that he just kept on mounting.
He begged me to work on our marriage because he loves me and has made a mistake. But to me, that’s a big mistake. He gave me a disease and slept with someone whom he claims he doesn’t know her name. I’m torn. For the last four months I have tried to forget what he has done but I can’t. It hurts too much. I don’t want to break our family apart but he has broken me down to the point I see no getting up. I filed for divorce but I haven’t had him served yet. Any advice would be of great help. I have no family to turn to, no friends. Please help me.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, I feel your pain :( My ex left me because she said “all you want is sex;” I said no only with you. 10 months have past and she has slept with 3 guys and is loving it. My heart is broken and I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m going to try hypnotherapy today to stop it. I will let you know how it goes. Hang in there :)
(UNITED KINGDOM) Came home to a note saying my wife “didn’t love me anymore” after being together for 16 years (married 13). We have an 11 year old daughter. I honestly thought we were happy. Everyday we told each other “I love you”. To say that this was a massive shock to me, is an understatement. I kept wondering, what have I done wrong? when I got the answer “It’s not you, it’s me!”
Since we parted, she has started seeing someone else and is so insistant that we are finished! I’ve talked to her a number of times and everytime, she says we are through. It’s been nearly a year since we split up and being alone is driving me nuts! I do see my daughter often, which is great, but my separated wife wants nothing to do with me.
So why should I not start seeing someone else? I have not in the hope of trying to get back with my wife, but she just doesn’t want to know.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, I have been separated for 10 months now and have just found out my ex/wife has slept with 3 guys since. I was faithful to her and her to me in our marriage, and I just cannot understand why she is shopping herself about now. I was sexually active and always complimented her, because those were not the women I fell in love with. I cannot stand the constant thoughts, in my head, of her with these others guys and what she doing with them.
I spoke to her the other day and she was proud of herself and stuck it in my face. I have four children and my oldest, 12, is telling me her mum as acting like a 16 yr old skank. It breaks my heart. I wish she would give me another chance, so I can prove I’m a better person. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a cheater, gambler or basher.
I fight every day, it seems, to stop thinking about her, but I feel I’m losing the battle. It’s easy for people to say, be positive, look after yourself, but I feel like a loser and that I have failed. I need help to move forward. I don’t know where to turn.
Hi Scott! I don’t know why people are like that. I separated from my husband of 3 years last October cause he has been having affairs left, right, and centre since we got together. It probably is my fault cause I did not say anything about it and my last draw was when he did not prioritise me and chose to be with his girlfriend than pick me up from work on a night shift.
We separated October, tried getting back on January this year but it only lasted a month. He’s moved out of the house March this year and I’m just confused. My parents don’t know what to say to me and I’ve got no one to talk to about it. just recently I met this guy. He is very nice to me and I’m just thinking when is the right time to tell him about me being separated or should I even go on with this? I’m certain there’s no chance of my husband and I getting back together. I’m just so confused at the moment. It’s good to get it all out sometimes.
(CANADA) Hello, I need help please… I have been separated from my alcoholic ex-husband for over a year now and we also have a 4 year old kid. Now, I am happy to say that I never want to ever go back to the kind of life I had with him. Same life for 8 years is enough, which was full of stressful situations, beatings, name callings… I have now found a wonderful guy who loves me and my baby truly and respects me. He wants us to live together. Question is: Can I move in with him while my ex and I are only separated. I am filing for divorce soon, but getting a divorce is so expensive that’s why it’s still taking this long….
Please answer: Can I move in with him? What can my ex-husband do? Will I be taken to court for moving in with him? PLEASE HELP…
Melanie, You are still married. Whether you are separated or not, you are still married, by law. Two things I’ve read, seems to apply here. Someone once said, “My biggest mistake was to believe the lie that because I hurt so badly, sinful solutions were acceptable.” You have a 4-year old child. Don’t try to rub out one hurt by piling on top of it a “solution,” which MAY seem right, but in the end, it isn’t. You are still married. As someone else said, which is true, “When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications.”
Don’t complicate your life and your child’s by living with someone when you are still married. And don’t live with someone who does not honor you enough to pledge his life to you by marrying you first. Don’t lower your standards like that. What can your husband do? I don’t know. But I can tell you this, if you do what is right, you don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you worse. Expense or not, living together with someone else while you are still married (even if you aren’t) is wrong. Don’t teach your child that this type of behavior is right. If this other man is honorable, he will wait, no matter how much time passes. If he doesn’t, then he shows he doesn’t “respect” you as much as you now believe he does. EVERYONE usually looks loving and respectful beforehand. Time and honorable behavior over time will tell a truer story here.
(USA) Hello, I was married to my husband for 9 years last year until I decided to file for a divorce in December of last year. We were separated for 2 years but for a year and a half he had been involved with a woman that he worked with. I was willing to reconsider getting a divorce and working on our marrigage until then.
I know that part of our separating was mostly my fault because of how I treated him over the years we were together. But over all, I was pretty good to him. I was faithful, and I did my duties as a wife. We had two children together. One is 7 and the other 11. They seem to handle it pretty well. Better than most I guess. He started seeing this women back in 2010 and even though he was out of our house into a place of his own, we still continued to sleep together off and on.
It wasn’t until the summer of 2011 when I learned of his affair. So out of my pain and lonelyness, I also had a brief 2 month affair but ended it quickly because I still cared for my husband. But he said that since we couldn’t really get along that well, that it was best to get a divorce. So I filed. Then he acted surprised when I did it.
He is no longer involved with that other women so now it’s like he wants to woo me again. But it’s not the same. I told him that it was going to take some time to get past and heal. He doesn’t see what he did as cheating. But I told him marriage is still marriage, separated or not. We both messed up. But through most of the separation I still remained faithfull. Until briefly last summer. I didn’t lie to him about my affair and I wasn’t seeing him at all at the time. But he chose to still sleep with me and the other woman at the same time. I still hold some resentment toward him for that.
(UNITED STATES) I was introduced to a man 6 months ago that was seperated from his wife for a year. We started dating and he said he would be divorced in about 3 to 4 months. We have had a great time, but also have had hard times due to me not knowing anything on the progress of his divorce. All I heard from him is that he had tried with a lawyer once, he got very upset with their fees and just walked out. He then has been hoping she would file first.
She has said to me that they have had their ups and downs. She loves her husband, and that they will reconcile some day, that neither of them wants to file. She said they had 33 years together and 2 beautiful children. He on the other hand, tells me he will never go back and just cannot believe she has not filed yet. Where did this leave me?
To no avail I broke it off with him and I am not going to go there since I am not with a man that is totally available to me as I am to him. He is wonderful, but I must take care of my emotions. I honestly feel he is not ready for a serious relationship, yet he enjoyed my company and all we did together. Has anyone experienced anything like this, and what happened in any of these cases? Thanks.
(UNITED STATES) Wow, I can’t believe I have found this page. I have been dealing with my separation from my husband three months now. We’ve been married 27 years now. But since March we are separated. He found somebody, who he says he’s in love with. I am struggling with my “new” life what I have now as a single person.
I still love him, more than he loves me. He tells me time to time that he loves me, but as a woman, and a wife of many years and experience, I know he does not love me anymore. We have two children, both adults now, and they are just as hopeless, and helpless as I am. But they love both of us so much and can’t or won’t interact with our marriage problems.
It is so hard, when you found yourself from one day to another, alone and lonely, and the love of your life just doesn’t love you anymore. I feel so helpless and sad most of the time, and do not know what to do. But I’m glad I had the chance to at least talk about it. Thank you for this opportunity.
(UNITED STATES) Hello, my husband and I have been separated almost 5 years. The first year that we separated, we were trying to reconcile but by year two, he was dating another woman. We were still cohabiting, but he didn’t want to be with me so we just stopped talking. We share a four year-old together that he hasn’t seen since our son was eight months old and does not provide support for. Now he has a little girl with this new woman he is dating.
At first, I started to date when I found out he was dating… I did date but I know that it is wrong. I have been celibate for several months now, and I plan to stay that way until I divorce and remarry. I am in no hurry for remarriage… I have gotten past the lonely stage and I am content with being alone as a single parent, working part-time as a full-time student at a local college. I do agree that dating while separation makes the new relationship harder… more so for me, bacause I know that the Lord will not send another man to me while I am still married to another… plus I do not want to be known for adultery or fornication.
(USA) My husband and I separated due to fighting about money, late nights coming home and getting in each others face. I left because it had become a hostile environment. Its been 2 1/2 yrs. We tried to get back together once it ended up ugly because of unresolved issues. Police were involved. Twice and we ended up in court.
Everything is over and resolved on that level. The drama is over and we are getting along well. We have even hung out with our children a few times. We still have separate houses. I dated a guy for 10 months this past year but ended because I’m not over my husband. He currently has a “friend” that he hangs out with alone and with our children. Four weeks ago I told him I wanted him back and for us to start fresh. We have never filed for divorce or even a separation. He was taken back and said he needed space and time to think about it. He won’t throw in the towel.
He keeps seeing the woman and I’m just waiting for him to make a decision by the end of Sepetember, which is our anniversary. I can’t go into another year like this. I’m willing to do anything to make this work. He won’t hang out alone with me. The more I text, call, cry and express my feelings he pushes me away and says you left me. I have apologized. How do I get him back?