“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) Hello my wife of 4 years and I have been separated for over 4 months. Last week she texted me to leave her alone to let her live her life. She further proceeed to tell me that she was seeing someone new and he treats her better than I could ever imagine. This has left me devastated. She has filed for divorce and swears she wants nothing to do with me anymore.
She constantly berated me and belittled me and as a result I sought attention elsewhere. I never cheated but I did email pics of my genitals to women and she caught them a couple times. 4 months ago she got to the end of her rope I thought, and it got semi violent. I threatened her and I ended up in jail for a month. When I got out I sent her flowers. She called me and we started talking again, trying to work on things. However a month ago, after a nice weekend together, I messed up again and sent some pictures to an ex. She still didn’t trust me with good reason, and found the email. There was no intention with the emails. My ex chided me and challenged my prowess and I felt the need to prove her wrong. We have not seen each other in over 10 years.
I know I was wrong and I am extremely remorseful for what I have done. She hates me so much now. All I want to do is fix my marriage and be a better man. I have been going to counselling and church and fixing myself. Since she has cut me out of her life and ignoring my calls and messages she has no way of seeing the man I have become. I am so lost and I have no idea how or if I can bring her back to me. She has told my friends and family that I caused her seven years of stress and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Everyone is telling me to move on and let it go.
I refuse to sign the papers. However, I think this is just making her more hateful towards me. She is used to having her way. She is very independent and believes she doesn’t need a man for anything, yet she is already seeing someone else. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I am so hurt and I beat myself up because it is all my fault. I feel like I drove her into the arms of another. I truly want her back. She has refused to go to marriage counselling and just wants to end it. She is fed up and tired but I want to fix it.
My mind races about what she is doing with this man. I am not in a good state. She truly is heartless now. Is there any hope for us? Can anyone offer a solution that may work in my favor. She says she is happy now with him but as much as she may believe that, it is always like that in the earliest. But once the honeymoon period ends, that’s when it really ends. She has to fix herself first but does not want to acknowledge that. No one wants to talk to her and she refuses to hear what anyone has to say. Please help.
(USA) Hi, I’ve been separated now for about a month, I am living with my mother while my wife and two children 14 and 18 are still living in the house, we have been married for over 20 years and the last 3 to 4 years we weren’t communicating like we should. She at one time was not overweight, but was not in the shape she is today…she looks amazing. The problem is while she started doing kickboxing and losing weight, I was not as supportive as I could have been and got jealous and envious. Other men were hitting on her and making comments on facebook; she never asked how I felt about that but she did know I was unhappy with it. She told me she has feelings for someone else and reassured me that nothing more than one kiss happened, she asked for a seperation so she has time and space to decide what she wants out of life and our marriage. I have never believed in prayer before and have now started if it will help me not lose my wife and family; I am still in love with her. Any comments or advice would be appreciated. Thanks
(USA) Wow… I have been married for almost 3 years and with him for almost six. I have been communicated what I did from him for 6 years and he just didn’t seem to get it! I started talking to another man as friends and didn’t know I would develop feelings for him. I believe I did now because I was so vulnerable. I talked to this man for two years off and on but never saw him in person but I felt an emotional connection because he paid me attention and told me how pretty I am and took the time to see how I was doing and feeling something my husband never did.
I began to not want to be involved with my husband sexually because I felt that’s all I was good for and we both became more and more frustrated with one another. I finally told my husband it was over and I wanted a divorce (not because of the other guy because I did not want to be with this guy but because I was tired of being ignored as a human being and just used for sex). My husband then tried to be there for me a little more but I felt it was too late so I started to ignore him. I would not have sex with him at all because in my heart at that time I felt it was over.
Well, about a month and a half after no sex hardly any communication… I decided I wanted to make it work and try hard and my husband agreed. To my disbelief I found out that during this time I said it was over he had slept with another woman twice. I was so devastated. My needs hadn’t been met for years but as soon as yours are not met you sleep with another woman. He had ended it with the woman when I said I wanted to be back with him and she was so bitter she decided to Facebook me and tell me about the affair. He admitted to it and said he was going to tell me. I cried and he cried. He was very remorseful and begged for forgiveness and asked me not to leave. I went into a deep depression. We lost our business and I’m just a mess.
I, at first, agreed to work it out but I couldn’t get over the fact that he had slept with someone else so we separated. Its been about 5 months since all the drama and I’m still hurt. I emotionally cheated and he physically cheated but it’s hard for me to forgive him. I told him I wanted a divorce but I’m still not sure what I want. We have lost everything. He lost his job and I just don’t know what to do! Any suggestions?! We have a 4 year old son and he misses his dad a lot!
(USA) I don’t really run behind any girl since I was young thinking to be focused towards my goals in life. But when I went for my post graduation I saw a lady and started talking to her. She never gave me the wrong signals as she usually talks the regular stuff. But after a while she started sharing her home problems like she is separated and taking care of three kids two boys and one girl. She used to say that she is very upset as her husband is not giving her a divorce and he already got married and thought he is not giving any money so that she can take care of her kids.
I was bit worried about myself thinking of the same that the first priority is my goal toward my life but getting along with her i starting coming to uni just to speak to her then after some time she started ignoring me then one day i thought to tell her the i like her so that i should not have anything in my heart thinking in future that i would have at least told her, I said i like you she said its so kind of you but she is not even thinking to get involve in any relation then i went for a holidays for around 2months but really i was thinking of her all days nights. when i came back i met her in uni asked her for a tea she said yes i spoke to me in a very polite way saying sorry that i might have hurt but she said you can understand she is is at the moment. we started meeting again with a very health conversations and now after a while ago i started thinking of her days and nights and my mind never thinks anything else rather than her. now i feel like telling her that if she can merry me but then i think the relation i have right now will not get effected as my hearts dosnt allow me to even see any other girl, i am 28 & she is 40.. please if anyone have a good suggestion..??
(USA) I am a 34 year old christian mother of four. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He repeatedly committed adultery with numerous women during the course of our marriage. He later said he gave his life to Christ. We just had a baby the past year of our marriage. He was very insistent about having another child because he wanted a boy. However we have another gorgeous daughter. 9 months after our baby was born, he decides he no longer loves me. He cites me as the reason for depression. He then moves out and in less than a month he is involved with someone who left their husband 2 months before. It is now 6 months down the road and they have been living together since July, 2012.
I realize I was not the perfect wife but it’s really hard to trust someone with a track record like that. Our sex life seemed to be okay. I realize now that I too had some problems. I approached him and apologized and wanted a chance to right things as much as possible. I actually was taking the blame for the person he had helped to mold me into. I love the Lord with all my Heart and the one good thing that came out of this situation was my love for him being totally rekindled. I had wanted to be that good wife to him. He continually rejected me. You see I have always accepted him back with open arms, because I love him. Now I am feeling used, not to mention extremely lonely. I’m not even sure anymore which way I should go where he is concerned. I had been praying and fasting continually these last months for our marriage. I am growing weary. I am young and have four children to raise. I would love to have a Godly marriage with my husband, but it’s beginning to dawn on me that it may not happen. I now just want God’s will to be done in my life. I need some closure because it is just hard to give up. I need prayer. I want God’s will to be done in my life. I am now having a hard time due to lack of intimacy. What does one do?
You are so courageous to still hope after all this. I believe you need to really pray and really read the Bible (I prefer KJV for language consistency, and authenticity). The answer is in there. You will need to pray for the Lord to give you peace about the right course of action.
One thing I learned in adultery recovery is to allow yourself to believe that you do not need him. You must take care of yourself for the children’s sake, and build your relationship with the Lord. It’s so important to come out of co-dependent thinking (that you will die without him). You won’t die without him. You would not be in sin to discuss divorce with him, since he’s committing continual adultery and is joined with his harlot.
The Lord sees all, and knows all. He loves you so much. Try to keep your emotions stable for the sake of the children, while being very honest with yourself and working to heal from the pain. Hope some of this helps.
(USA) If there has been adultery the trust has been broken for sure. How can you ever trust this person who promised to forsake all others? You no longer can. I would only stay if there were young kids involved, otherwise you should look for someone whom you can build a new trust with. Time goes by so fast you only have this one lifetime and it is very short. I would rather be with someone I can trust, without trust and faithfulness what do you have? Someone who will cheat. No thanks…
(USA) Well, where do I begin? My husband and I have been happily married for 34 yrs. This is not about my marriage… this is about a friend of mine. She is 26 yrs old, has been married for 7 yrs, and they have 3 children. She called me the other day. We met for breakfast and I am worried for her. Her husband is those types of husbands that controls every aspect of your life. But she also told me about an affair she is having.
I did not hold anything back. I am also a born again Christian. I’m asking every born again Christian to pray with me for this couple who desperately needs prayer. (I gave her two dvd’s of JOEL OSSTEEN.) She text me and told me that she was going to sit down and watch thoses dvd’s and that her husband said that he would watch them with her. (Prayer changes things.) Thank you JESUS!!!
(US) Hollie: Have you met with your church’s elders (two of them) to discuss your marriage? Does your church practice Biblical Church Discipline (Matthew 18:15-17)? Order, including used, Dr. Jay E. Adams book on Church Discipline. It’s short, Biblical, and to the point. Your husband should have been disciplined before your church in the steps outlined by the Lord Jesus Christ in Matt 18:15-17 for his sexual immorality. You both should be counseled by your church’s pastors/elders. You are in my prayers.
(CANADA) I think when you are separated from your current partner, if they left you, you should not feel guilty about dating someone else. My husband left my child and I in such a manner that it was inexcusable. He drained our bank accounts, ripped out communication lines and basically left us with nothing. Now I am ready to move on and he keeps trying to interfere by sending strangers to spy on us. He also has been stalking us and put a death threat on us because he cannot accept that it is over.
I think finding a healthy relationship is what matters. I choose not to be with my former partner due to his actions and the manner he is acting in. My son and I need to worry about being safe and this is no way to live. If I can find a normal relationship and get a divorce, believe me, this is my only option to get away from this man. My son and I do not need to live in fear of our lives over some potential ex-husband who can’t accept it the way it is.
(USA) Well, I’m looking for some opinions on my situation. My wife moved to Florida to help sick mother and took on a job full time. She no longer takes care of the mother but doesn’t want to move back. I accepted that she was from Florida and dislikes the cold and the ice in the winter.
My work is as a self employed contractor built from reputation. To start over again and move all my equipment would be difficult. We see each other when possible but after six years of being apart it’s getting old. I love my wife, but it seems we’re growing apart; she hardly calls. If I don’t call then I usually don’t talk to her. My youngest daughter lives with her.
My daughter tells me she is not seeing anyone. We had four children together. I just want a woman to be there for me and me for her. I’m a very giving person. I feel if I don’t make the move then things will stay the same. She told me she will move after she retires. That’s another five years. I feel I’m in limbo. Any suggestions? Thanks.
Hi Vince, You ask for suggestions, and here is mine. I think you should pack up and move to Florida to rebuild your marriage there. Sure, it will be tough and it will take a lot of determination and insight as to how to rebuild your marriage. But it can be done. And it will also be tough to build a business such as yours from the ground up, in a new location in this economy. But personally, I would find a way to do it. Or perhaps you can try to find a job in building maintenance or such and get out of the contract business. I’m not sure. Be open to thinking outside the box. It appears that this is what will be required to save your marriage and to save your family from being split apart emotionally. For the sake of your marriage and your family, I believe it’s worth it. Your family may be mostly grown, but having mom and dad together is still important.
There are many who would squabble and say that the wife should go the way of the husband because biblically, he is the head of the home. I get that and yes, that would have been good. But it doesn’t appear that your wife will move, no matter what. Sure, she says in 5 years she may do so, but in 5 years, who knows what will transpire? I don’t believe it’s worth the risk of allowing more time, distance, and temptation “opportunities” for wrongful companionship to creep in and split your marriage further –probably permanently. I believe your being the hero here and doing the hard part of moving, not only geographically but outside of your comfort zone to restore your marriage and family, is a wise and brave thing to do. It will show your wife that you want to “be there” for her. That speaks love.
You would need to go with a good attitude, realizing that this will be a tough move, though. Things will probably be rocky on a lot of levels at first. Your wife probably won’t embrace you invitingly saying, “my hero” (even though she should). And you will have a tough time moving in on what she might consider her turf, because she has established herself there. Plus, building your business anew, or getting another type of job will be tough too. But I believe with all my heart that if you can persevere with the right attitude for the sake of the good that could come out of all of this, it will be worth it. We need more heroes –more men and women who are courageous to step up to fight for their marriages and their families –to stick to their vows to be together for the rest of their lives. We don’t have enough people doing that, and I believe that’s part of the reason our society is such a mess.
Yes, it may be that things will go haywire for a while, but maybe not. Who knows? None-the-less, I believe you would be doing the right thing and I believe the Lord would think so too. This is my humble opinion. I pray you gain wisdom on this. I hope you are able to restore your marriage. Basically, you sound like a good man who needs to put a little grit into your determination to not allow your marriage to drift to the wayside. I hope you will. I encourage you to pray about all of this. If you do, I believe you will know what you are to do.
(USA) This article implies that in order to date someone, you have to marry them. Ridiculous.
No, you don’t have to marry someone that you date, you just have to NOT still be married to someone else while you date. You shouldn’t date someone if you’re married. Even if you’re separated, you’re still married. Dating someone else while you’re still married is what is ridiculous. Even if the spouse is abusive, adulterous, and a louse; you’re still married to him or her until you’re legally divorced. I agree with the author… don’t date while you’re still married. Completely cut this HUGE tie before you even consider looking elsewhere –even to the degree of going out with or casually dating someone.
Well said, Cindy, because what do you have to offer a new potential mate when you are still legally, and probably emotionally, entangled with someone else?
Dear Sister in the Lord, I have been a woman under much abuse in my marriage for over 15 years. I love and admire my husband in other good qualities in His life. I have forgiven much, and continue to forgive, since I myself need My Lord JESUS’s forgiveness. I do not and never will condone any kind of abuse. But I want to share part of my testimony with you. Because I have suffered a lot, GOD in His mercy, has drawn me close to Him in a special way. He has comforted me and loved me in so many ways, only those that have lived in my shoes would understand that kind of love and comfort.
But at the same time GOD has spiritually spanked me and corrected in my wrong thinking and theology. When we are in abusive marriages or bad marriages for that matter, Satan comes and tempts us to violate our 1 flesh marriage vows and covenant that we have with our 1st spouse, especially if our spouse is unkind and unbelieving. Jesus taught us that except for fornication, we cannot put away or divorce our spouse. When we study the original meaning of the word fornication in Greek, we understand that it’s fornication between two unmarried people. SO what was our Lord teaching us? The Bible teaches us that whoever puts away their spouse or divorces their spouses to marry another, which is adultery, since they are still considered married to their 1st one flesh covenant spouse.
The Bible teaches whoever marries the divorced commits adultery with them. So the innocent party cannot remarry either. Why? Because of covenant vows that represent the church espoused to their 1 husband who is Christ. That is why the Bible always teaches that marriage is a mystery compared to Christ and the church. Fornication as JESUS taught would fall under remarriages that are not one flesh original covenant vows that are considered adultery to their original spouses or fornication with a person who is not considered their spouse under GOD’s commands. Second marriages are considered adultery in GOD’s eyes according to scripture. You would say how is that possible, if you become a Christian after a second marriage and don’t know better. The word of GOD corrects our sins, and if we’re truly Christians, we will repent.
Herod, who killed and murdered the greatest prophet of all according to JESUS, John the Baptist, was in a second adulterious marriage. John told Herod to repent of this second adulterious marriage. He never condoned it. In order for Herod and His adulterious wife to repent, they had to separate and live celibate or Holy unmarried for the rest of their lives, or Herodias Herod’s adulterious wife had to repent and return through forgiveness to her first husband. Herod had to return to His first wife, if He had one, through forgiveness and repentance or like I said, live holy unmarried. Fornication would under these such second remarriages or homosexual forbidden marriages, or in Jewish custom, there was a year of courting, and if the husband found His wife to be unclean or not pure, or fornicating, HE could put her away.
Joseph, and Mary were an example of this. Joseph being a just man, wanted to put her away privately. Joseph was not aware at the time, that Mary was conceived of the Holy Ghost. So Joseph could put Mary away before their 1 flesh covenant vows were consummated through ceremony and intercourse. The disciples understood JESUS teaching, so they replied to our Lord, If this is so with the man and His wife, it’s better to not marry. Why? Because even if our spouse committed adultery it doesn’t give us the right to remarry and commit adultery, as well. We have to live celibate Holy and unmarried, or forgive our spouse and reconcile after much prayer and forgiveness.
If you are in such marriages, I encourage you to carefully study the scripture and this topic with much prayer, fasting, reading of GOD’s word, to find yourselves approved rightly dividing the word of truth not being ashamed. Ask the Holy Ghost to guide you into all truth. My theology was so wrong, and because of abuse, I looked forward to my husband maybe committing adultery on me so I could move on and remarry what I thought would be a better spouse. I was soooooo wrong. I repented and GOD forgave me, but GOD has taught me to persevere, forgive 70 times 70, turn the cheek, love and fast for my husband. I do believe the Bible gives permission to separate if the situation is unhealthy and necessary, but never for lust or adultery. We ought to remain unmarried or reconcile to our spouse when possible.
GOD bless you. Please pray about your current marriages. Though we have our carnal nature that desires to sin, as repented born again converted believers we aught to live Holy, not taking the grace of GOD as a form of liberality as the Bible teaches, not trample over the blood of JESUS. Eternity is forever to get this wrong. Fornicators and adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of GOD. Love you in the love of our beloved Savior YESHUA, Lord JESUS! Narrow is the way and very few find it, may we be found worthy of Him on that day! Blessings.
I am meaning this respectfully, but isn’t having sex with someone else’s spouse –sex between two unmarried people? I really am concerned with the truth also. I think the bottom line is somewhere between what you can endure, and whether or not the adulterer (a type of fornication) is repentant or not. If the sin is continual, there is a deeper issue. I totally respect your decision. I, myself, made this decision when my adulterous husband had repented. Now that he has separated, and considers himself single without ever having divorced, he’s showing a renewal of the sin. We’re allowed, if there is no reconciling, due to complete willful refusal to repent, to change our minds and make a different choice.
Jesus/Yeshua talked about the reason Moses gave the writing of divorcement, for the hardness of the men’s hearts. A woman that was hated by her husband, before this writing, could literally be “shelved” without her due (mentioned descriptively in the Old Testament). She could be set free by the writing of divorcement, but the husband who had put away his wife was not allowed to take her back again once she had been with another man. Most people don’t realize that the original writing of divorcement was given by Moses as a form of mercy to the unloved wives –not for husbands to escape their obligations. The men already had all the rights. Moses, under the Lord’s direction was equalizing the playing field.
Jesus was holding men (and women) accountable for their commitment to their spouse by what he said. He did not cast down the law or the prophets. The writing of divorcement was still a law in good standing before, during, and after His ministry on earth, until all is fulfilled –a merciful law. He was just calling men to LOVE rather than shelve or divorce their wives, as they loved themselves. He was (and still is) set upon awakening conscience, and new life through the Holy Spirit’s renewal of the mind.
We as Christians/Messianic believers are called to the highest possible moral standard. But I would never advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. I’ve been there and done that. If a man is abusive to his wife, he’s also abusing the innocent children that need their mother to stand up inside and protect them –from seeing such a terrible thing.
Jesus acknowledged every legal marital state of the Samaritan woman at the well. He told her she had had five husbands (not one that she had committed adultery against), and He told her that the one she had at the time was not her husband. So, she was shacked up with him, whether he was single or married to someone else, she was not married to him. I love that Jesus stated all of this because there’s a lesson for us. God regards the legal marital state.
People in affair lifestyles aren’t in their right minds, and patience is a virtue, but it’s also a choice. Not every marriage can be saved. It takes two to be able to really save a marriage. If your spouse divorces you and remarries, what are you going to do? Continually hope for him to end his new marriage to come back to you? Speaking hypothetically about all of us here. Or do as Yeshua says and turn the cheek, and resist not evil?
The easy yoke and light burden is found in acceptance of what actually is. It’s good to fight for your marriage, and I mean through every spiritual means possible, warfare, effective prayer, and praising God for what is going on (as He has our best interest at heart).
I didn’t find the easy yoke or the light burden until I stopped striving against what my husband was bound and determined to do. If he divorces me, I will not resist it. And I will not believe that if he remarries that I’m not likewise free to remarry.
This is why it’s very important to keep in His word and keep in prayer, to be able to discern when over is over. Hope I didn’t offend you. I’m sure I didn’t change your mind, but wanted to bring that up about original intention of the writing of divorcement being for mercy to the displaced wife. God bless.
Hi, I am have been with my man for 3 yrs but married for 4 months now. He committed adultery and moved to stay with another woman a month after we got married. We are on separation but he still tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to see or hear that I am dating any man until he has sorted his affair issues with the other woman. We don’t have kids together but he was cheating with his exgirlfriend for which they have two kids together but never got married. Can anyone help me on how I should handle this situation? Whether to divorce him and let it go or I should try and wait for him and start rebuilding my broken marriage? Please help.
You should never start a second relationship before your first one has run it’s course. Separated is still married. You may end up reconciling with your spouse, then the second person will have wasted their time with you. You shouldn’t do that to the second party. Just tell people that ask you out, you will get in touch with them if you ever get divorced. This way there’s no cheating involved. There is no justifying cheating. It’s just plain wrong to do. You might get pregnant or get someone else pregnant or catch a STD, then what? Better to wait til your situation get’s resolved is a better way.
My wife joined match.com almost immediately after we separated. Full disclosure: I’m a recovering alcoholic and was asked to leave but was promised that we’d engage in marriage counseling. I found an apartment but am now told by my wife that she has no interest in marriage counseling. I understand it was hard to be married to me and take full responsibility for my alcoholic ways, but I’m now in recovery and haven’t had a drink in over two months.
While I understand that doesn’t make up for 17 years of dealing with my alcoholism, I also don’t understand why she went to a dating site before the body was even cold, so to speak. She said she hadn’t felt that spark/connection in a long time, and I understand that. I hoped beyond hope that she would be open to at least entertaining reconciliation but I guess that’s not going to happen now. I took screen shots just in case. If by the grace of God we can end up in counseling together (we go separately to the same therapist), trust will be an issue we’ll both have to regain. Pray for us please. I love this woman so much and am so ashamed that I wasted good years in the bottle instead of working with my wife for a better marriage. Maybe I’m just getting what I deserve.
If neither of you has genuinely committed adultery or is engaged in an emotional affair, there is still a LOT of hope. Keep praying. Court her… You go to therapy without her, and let her see you in a different light. Tell her you don’t want a divorce, and ask her to please have the courtesy to not date another man until your relationship is entirely resolved. Usually when a woman engages in an affair (even hypothetical) she is on her way out, and done trying.
Perhaps you could say your heart in a letter. If you know her love languages, you could begin loving her through thoughtful acts or words, and other attentions that have meaning to her. That might be a way to go about this. Don’t give up on trying to get her to come to therapy with you. Date her. If you never have, you can begin making up for lost time.
If you cheated on her during your alcoholism, you will need to work hard to win her back, but it’s still possible. This is an excellent ministry that may be able to help you: http://beyondaffairs.com/beyond_affairs_network_seminars/free-teleseminars/ Those are free seminars I linked you.