When you are trying to save your marriage and your spouse distances himself/herself either emotionally, physically or both, you feel more alone than you ever imagined possible. You can very well understand why God said the words, “It is not good for man to be alone.“ Being alone when you’re in a marriage is NOT the plan you had. You never thought that you would be dealing with an emotionally distant spouse.
But how do you get past the walls that have built up between you and your spouse? Is there a door that can be constructed so the husband and wife are no longer emotionally shut off to one another?
Dealing with an Emotionally Distant Spouse
Yes, there is, but unfortunately, this is not something that can be accomplished overnight. Many different things went into building those walls. And it will take a lot of effort and time to dismantle them. And it may be that your spouse is not open to participating with you and God in this… at least in the beginning. And frankly, maybe ever.
But we have to say, that it’s well worth the effort and work to try. Because in doing so, you could open a whole new world up to your spouse and in your own life in relationship with him or her.
I know, I have been there with my husband. And with prayer and perseverance to do as God lead, in the timing that truly worked (rather than my misguided timing), God opened doors that I only dreamed was possible. And now, as I look back, I think about all the blessings I could have missed out on, and all my husband would have missed, if I had given up too soon. How sad that would have been for us and our families and friends. Plus the fact we would not have been able to participate with God in this awesome ministry.
I have to reiterate though, that perseverance is a big part of what it will take for the eventual blessing —perseverance in hand with prayer to the Lord for guidance.
Persevere, As Hard As It Is
As difficult as it is, God tells us that perseverance is a virtue that we are to strive after. How I wish it weren’t true. Like most human beings, I like things to come easy. Some of us think that as children of God, we’re entitled to certain “privileges” and answers to prayer in a shorter time frame. That makes sense to us.
If we think that way, we’re wrong. On this side of heaven, we aren’t promised an easy life —one that isn’t so troublesome. As a matter of fact, there are a number of warnings in the Bible that we will experience Trials and Tribulations.
Concerning marriage, the Apostle Paul warned us about that. It’s written in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.“ He put out that warning to “spare” us from thinking otherwise.
That’s where prayerful perseverance and trust in God becomes important. There are many verses in the Bible that encourages us to persevere even when we want to give up.
Among them are:
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial. Because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.“ (James 1:12)
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.“ (Galatians 6:9)
“Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)
A few insights on the emotionally distant spouse issue:
In dealing with the dilemma of being married to an emotionally distant spouse, the following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:
There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”
I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.
The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?”
Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:
- Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional —I will love you if…
- Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life
- Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
- Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
- Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?
Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.
Helpful Articles to Read on the Emotionally Distant Spouse
With this said, as you brace yourself to do what it takes, I encourage you to read the following articles we found on the Internet. I believe they will give you insight and help in this area of your marriage. I encourage you to make this your mission to do your part in opening the door to better understanding and communication in your marriage.
In this first article April Motl says the following about emotional detachment in marriage:
“A lot can happen between the ‘I do’ at the altar and the years that follow. We can end up married to someone yet emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically disengaged. I have come to believe that one primary problem seems to sit at the root of most couples who feel disengaged. I call it the ‘full plate’ phenomenon. When your spouse (or you) has something that puts them emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually on overload something else has to be shut off in life —and that something else often becomes your marriage.”
To find out more, read this Crosswalk.com article:
• ARE YOU DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR SPOUSE?
Additionally, Concerning the Emotionally Distant Spouse:
Here are three more articles that you could find helpful to read on this issue:
• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Also:
• WHEN YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR SPOUSE
You may even be at the point where you feel abandoned. Here is an article that addresses that:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Please search through the Marriage Missions web site for more articles that can help you in this mission of connecting with your spouse. Look for ways to build and open doors of communication. There is a lot of wisdom, written by relationship experts, that is waiting for you to tap into and use. I encourage you not to give up. God has a blessing for you as you look to the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor, to open your understanding and to apply to your life.
In an article formerly posted on the Internet titled, “My Spouse is Emotionally Distant,” a challenge is given to “keep trusting God’s power and goodness.” It’s a difficult thing to do when you feel abandoned in many ways by your spouse. But God has promised to “never leave nor forsake” us. Sometimes it’s a matter of F.A.I.T.H. to believe that. F.A.I.T.H. means: Forsaking All I Trust Him. Trust in His power and goodness —no matter what!
Above All:
Keep in mind the following (which was written in that article):
“Remember who God is! The same God who healed the rift between us and Him can also bring you and your spouse closer together. Zephaniah reminded Judah that God wouldn’t let their sin keep them separated from Him (Zephaniah 3:15). And God wants you to see your sadness about your relationship with your spouse by the same light.
“Don’t be discouraged. God can bring victory over sin (Zephaniah 3:13), and He can use your marriage for good purposes because He loves you and knows what you’re going through. Keep trusting in God’s power and goodness so you can be the spouse God has called you to be —and let God take care of your mate.” (See also Proverbs 3:27-35; Ephesians 4:14-16.)
Prayerfully keep in mind and consider:
“The LORD your God is in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love, and will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.“
(2 Thessalonians 3:5)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) My husband has become more and more distant since the beginning of the radiography program which was about August 2007. He has a friend who is in class 24-7 with him and yet he still talks to her constantly on Myspace, and has been attacking me when I ask him why, and/ or to stop. He and I have been fighting about it and I just don’t know what to do. He is not willing to compromise with me on slowing down. So, please some one help! Everyone has told me to leave him but I just don’t know how! I don’t believe in Divorce, but I don’t believe in the way he is treating me either!
(USA) Hi Tiffany, I know you posted this comment over a year ago, but I am in the exact same position you were in. The similarities are crazy to me! I was wondering what happened and if you have any advice on what to do or what not to do?
My husband has told me that he believed in our wedding vows and yet let lack of communication ruin our relationship, without my knowledge. I came to learn his feelings and his plan to leave all within the past couple of days. I am having a very hard time dealing with it and have pleaded with him that we can fix this…he simply tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to fix it Do you have any thoughts?
I totally understand if you don’t get back to me on this, but would greatly appreciate any advice or knowledge you have gained from this situation. Many Thanks, Emily
(USA) Dear Emily, I read your story and I am in the same situation, as we speak. My husband left me for a co-worker while I was 5 months pregnant. He told me to leave town and go back to my mom’s hometown. I was not ready to let go. But, I left town and he was with this girl for 6 months. I was so jealous and anxious to win him back. I begged him to come back to me, and he did, and she left him alone.
But they still messed around after we got back together and I caught them together two years ago and 5 months ago. I’m tired of it. So I have become emotionally detached. I’m living in denial. I feel like he has feelings for her. He still hides his phone, so no matter how much he promises me he wants to be with me, he keeps on lying and being deceitful.
I’m tired so I have made plans to leave after Christmas. Our kids will be so hurt, but I’m hurting myself by staying. Also he’s not trying to please and cater to me anymore and he calls me names (curse words). I’m tired. Please write back. Michelle
(NAMIBIA) Hello Tiffany, I greet you and I feel with you what you are going through. No one has the answer but only God. But what I can say is that when someone strongly defends himself about this friend of his and is not ready to set it right before his wife then there might be something fishy, but don’t go fishing because it hurts us more. Fight through prayers and break the codes or link these two have forged because in the eyes of God there is only one link; that is between you and your husband. Fast if necessary. May God guard your words as you speak to your husband so that things do not get worse. Be blessed sister.
(KENYA) Hello Tiffany, those are the distractions from the enemy. The only thing that will help you is prayer. Go down on your knees and commit your marriage to the Lord. There is no situation God cannot change despite how it looks.
(USA) What?? Her spouse is not fully committed and I think she has every reason not to stay in that relationship. He has been unfaithful. I’m guessing that similar things are happening in your marriage and you are justifying to yourself why you are staying. Silly girl. I believe that she is right to leave him. She should gather her support around her and leave. Prayers go with you, my dear. You will be happier once you are gone.
PS This situation has never happened to me.
(R.S.A) How would you advise a wife whose husband indulges in drinking and is having an affair in a Christian marriage and is abusing her and the kids emotionally? Must she undergo counseling or must she throw in the towel because that has been happening for almost 10 yrs?
(USA) Throw in the towel. God did not create you to be humiliated or abused. Adultery is a divorceable sin.
(USA) I realize the roses in my marriage have withered and yet to bloom again! My husband loves to have fun – with his buddies more than with his spouse other than making love with me. I have to work hard in working, because I feel so lonely and I don’t want to fall into the world of adultery! Therefore, I choose to work outside the home, at home anywhere and make healthy relationships with my colleagues.
Is my marriage over then? I give my husband total freedom; there’s no sense of commitment from him at all. I do not know when he wants to have dinner with me because he doesn’t like planning things with me. Life with him is very unpredictable = I hate it! So rather stuck in self-pitiness, I rather keep myself busy so that I can’t think about my distant husband. There are times when he is really romantic and in a second he can be so distant… I think it is driving me crazy.. please advise me on how to take care of myself better. Thanks!
(CANADA) I understand & feel for all of you. Have been with my husband 24 years, and the shut out has progressed to its limit.
Just in the last week or so, I have been reading about passive-aggressive men & women, and have decided that my husband fits the bill to a tee. This problem also leaves a mate feeling isolated, alone and shut out. For me, I will be leaving him when our mortgage expires next year. Bless all of you.
(NIGERIA) I wish to say a very big thank you to all that send in their comments. It is good to know that someone out there cares for you. I want to let all that have similar problems in their marriages know that we have only one source and one creator. The producer of a product knows more about the product than the consumer. If there is any defect in the product he can easily repair it. So it is with God. He is the potter; he knows the make up of every person. I advise anyone that has an issue that they should go back to God. He can fix it up for you. Do not complain or talk, do the talking on your knees. Psalm 148:8 The stormy wind of GOD will bring fulfilment of his word to every area of your life. Expect a change it will surely come. God bless you.
(USA) Please to the lady from Nigeria, I hope you read this, it’s been long since your post. Can you explain my Nigerian husbands habit of ignoring me and not speaking to me for days after a fight, big or small? Every time we argue he says he’s leaving but never does and then there are times he will ignore me for days… Just recently I lost it, I try not to say mean things but his anger is too much and I said horrible things. I have no Nigerian woman to talk to, if you get this, your response and advice is so badly needed right now! Thank you, and you are right, God is the ultimate negotiator and my prayers to Him have been steady.
Thank You Vivian, you said exactly what I needed to hear. I was sitting here crying convinced my marriage is over, you gave me words of encouragement.
(USA) My wife has become distant. One early morning she told me that she no longer wants to be married and she was meant not to be married. We have been married for 20 plus years and all of sudden she wakes up and does not want to be married. She is not having an affair at this time. I trust her word on this.
First let me explain what drove her to have no more feelings for me. She tells me that I’m an awesome father but a lousy husband. I would always tell her that I love her and kiss her every single day. However, her male co-workers have been filling in the gaps that I have not been filling in, such as you look nice today; you are beautiful. She made comments to me about her male co-workers telling her this. See she was never the one to fall for those comments, but somehow they have attracted her and that’s when she told me about not wanting to be married anymore.
Second, I have hurt her feelings three years ago and she can’t seem to forgive. I know she won’t forget about that. Three years ago I left because I felt that I was not needed any more. She would talk to my nephew all night long and wouldn’t get to bed until 10pm. I mentioned this to her and she said she will change. She never did. So, I decided to leave and see where we were going with our marriage. I came back about a week and a half and she accepted me. I promised all three, my wife and two kids, that I will never leave them again. To this day she has not forgotten that and tells me that she knew she should not have accepted me back. I don’t believe her because we were laughing and enjoying each other.
She tells me that she has no feelings for me at this time. This hurt because she would not allow me to touch her at all, send her love letters, call her my wife, and text her at all. I am currently in marriage counseling because I know I can change to become a better person and better husband. I have gone back to church and have accepted the man upstairs again into my life. Just this weekend we had a talk and I asked her if she wants to have an affair on me. She hesitated for about 3-5 seconds and said no. However, later on our conversation she said “I have curiosity on the other side. I’m curious as to what’s in the other side.”
She has told me that her male co-workers have been asking her out on a date, but has turn them down. She told me that she could have cheated on me a long time ago, but didn’t because she is scared. She did say that our marriage would be over when she finds someone. I was hurt by this all day. Later on that day she text me telling me that she feels bad and knows that I’m hurt and it hurts her to see me sad. If I could take this back I would. I also think I’m just confused and depressed and all messed up inside. All I can say Jerry just give me time.”
I know what I did wrong as a husband. I was not showing affectionate to her, I just jumped into bed expecting to have sex, I hurt her three years ago by leaving and not explaining why, we never spent time alone, I never cherished her like a husband should, I didn’t treat her like a queen. I’m praying that we get back together because I know I can change and will do the things a husband will do for his wife. I just don’t know if I’m too late or not. Please anything will help.
(USA) Jerry, It looks like throughout this your wife was envying the single life and not having responsibilities, while you take all the blame for “what am I doing wrong”? I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, I think she looked at the “forbidden fruit” in the world, through her male co-workers, and over time she got onto their side. There probably was nothing you could have done. Dennis
(US) Dennis- as a female feeling the same types of things this woman is expressing to her husband, I can tell you that she has NOT envied the single life for 24 years! She has envied the care and love and adoration that singles get as they date people, but not the single life.
The Bible tells us that men are supposed to love their wives. Men are supposed to care for their wife like Jesus cares for the church. This man has taken her for granted and needs to show her how he truly loves her and appreciates her. He is at fault for the situation.
You have a very selective reading of the bible. I think the Bible also places obligations on the wife. When she says he is an “awesome father, but a “lousy husband” and the basis is that her single co-workers tell her “she looks nice,” what we have here is a primodonna. Sitting up and talking with the Nephew every night is a bit creepy. No ages are given but given they are married 24 years I am smelling a self-centered woman who is beginning to fear aging and desparelty needs attention to feed her ego.
(USA) Just a thought, maybe she is going through menopause. I am having similar feelings that you are describing about your wife. I have no desire to see anyone else, just need time alone to figure myself out. I’ve been reading many articles on menopause and have found a lot of good information. The big thing is that I’m not the only one that’s going through this very trying time in my life.
(USA) Jerry, I felt sad for what you and wife been through. I assumed that your wife is longing for deep connection and wanting you to show more appreciation towards her. Bible says, “a woman needs to submit herself to man to honor and respect and take heed in man’s authority, as for a man in return is to love, to protect and cherish her wife, just like Jesus was the head of Church we need to be inclined in one, and in unity.”
I am not saying that blame is in you, but I think throughout the years of your relationship you became confident that everything was ok. I am a woman and I understand, womens feelings as much as I am trying to learn to understand my man’s feelings and emotions. Men are born less sensitive than a woman, and we women sometimes don’t understand what’s on a man’s mind. We want some actions more than hearing words; the security of not feeling neglected and unwanted.
Jerry, I believe that your wife still loves you so deeply… It’s just she is trying to hide it through her bitterness and resentment. I’m gonna suggest for you to pray for God’s wisdom, that God willl convict your wife’s heart to forgive and let go. try to visit this web site too. http://www.nogreaterjoy.org its amazing Bible based web it is a great resources and tools for couples seeking for good advice… GodBless you and I am praying for you and for your wife.
Hi Jerry, I have not been married as long as you, 7 years this year, but have been with my husband 10 years. And he has told me he feels emotionally dead towards me. I read an email from him, that he wrote 9 months ago, that said I was everything to him and he could not want for a better wife. And now he is emotionally dead… I realised in April that due to my past I had been holding back from him but after a Christian conference had come to realise that I needed to give my all and that in fact I had imagined that he would leave me at some point because I was not worthy of him – so I had emotionally distanced myself from him.
He was so hurt by this and just felt so upset by it. I did not realise the level of hurt until he said that a few days ago. I feel because of what I did he has just blocked me out and is just formal and polite with me. It’s killing me inside. I tell you, I can hardly eat or sleep. I don’t know what to do -so all I do is shower him with love and just keep sending the messages and telling him how I feel. I am not sure if it will work but can only pray that it will… he works away from home which only makes it worse…. but what can I do?
He has also moved away from God since this and I think that is because then he doesn’t have to acknowledge that he is in a union that God created – so what I also do is just pray and tell the enemy that he has no place in this marriage. I never thought we could get here… and whilst I sound strong… I don’t feel it.
Keep on praying and showing him your love. Make yourself emotionally available to him. He will change.
Jerry, there is nothing wrong with you; it’s her. Her lack of integrity, loyalty, and respect. She may not be willing to put any effort in the marriage. So, it’s up to you if you want to save your marriage. Don’t wait for her. Shower her with your love, time, attention, effort, and focus on her and your marriage. She will come around. I suggest you read the book The Love Dare
. It will help you through this hard time. I feel your pain.
(ZIMBABWE) It’s good to see a site that helps people in a Christian manner. A few years ago, my father had an affair and it broke my family’s spirit. Up to now I still hurt inside. I forgave him and so did my mother and we all seemed happy. Now I have reason to suspect he is at it again and I hate him for wanting to do it to my mother again. Now I am married to a very loving husband but i can’t seem to trust him. When he goes drinking with his friends I can’t stop thinking of what he might be doing. When he finally walks in I give him hell becoz I will be so convinced he was sleeping out.
This is breaking our closeness bit by bit and I don’t know how to handle the situation. He has assured me many many times that he won’t even consider doing it coz he loves me but at the back of my mind I think that if my father did it when we did not expect it then all men are untrustworthy. I feel like he is paying attention to his friends and other things besides me. Am I being unreasonable? I am really considering counselling!!! Please help me with your views.
(USA) MARRIAGE SUCKS!!! IT REALLY DOES! THAT’S WHY I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED ANY TIME SOON!… BECAUSE IT’S NO FUN …SEEMS TO ME LIKE MARRIAGE HURTS! I’D RATHER BE SINGLE, SERIOUSLY. …TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH …I KNOW NO ONE IS PERFECT BUT COME ON, AT LEAST LET YOUR GOOD OUT WEIGH THE BAD…TO EVERY ONE ON HERE: KEEP PRAYING AND DON’T GIVE UP …CAUSE I WOULDN’T HAVE NO MAN SAY HALF THE THINGS THAT THEY SAY TO YOU ALL …ITS LIKE A BIG GAME, HOW ABOUT YOU ALL MAKE YOUR MATES FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY THAT YOU FELL …SWITCH IT IT UP ON THEM …SO THEY CAN SEE HOW IT FEELS!!!
I DON’T BELIEVE IN BEING WEAK FOR NO MAN… YOU’VE GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE HE’S THE FEMALE IN THE RELATIONSHIP …DON’T FEEL DOWN, MAKE THEM FEEL DOWN!!! …JERRY, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP GOING TO GO TO COUNSELING, IF IT’S MEANT TO BE THEN BE THE BEST MAN THAT YOU CAN BE… HONESTLY I DON’T THINK YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG …I AGREE WITH (Daddy L) …BEST TO LUCK TO ALL, GOD BLESS …Alexis
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Alexis, I am sorry that you are so hurt, you seem very angry and bitter. I just pray to God that you will release that person who made you feel this way, in the name of Jesus. God will heal your hurt if you allow him to. God bless, Brenda.
(USA) I do believe in everyone’s pain… and do see the merit of faith and trusting God to save me and my marriage. But how do I do that? I have started trying to read my Bible and light candles and think positively. And I do still go to work and everything. But at lunch time I cry in my car and after my work is over I cry and cry. I do not understand at all.
I was so sure when I got married two years ago, my husband loved me so much. And now I just feel like the more and more I do, I just cannot please him. He is so cold to me and I cannot figure out why and what else to do. I am trying so hard to persevere and pray. But I feel overwhelmed with despair. I do hope life will get better.
(USA) Hi Veronique, Yes your life will get better. You are not alone in this struggle, 1 Corinthians 10:13. I have gone through what you are going through and still am. The only thing that has changed is my relationship with God and the perception I have about my husband. I love him so much and I have realised he does too but he shows it differently.
You are on the right path, reading the Bible. It calms you down and helps you build up your faith during this life’s struggles. I am such a happy person right now but I am sure if I would put another person in my life situation right now they would get messed up. I am happy because I am living in the Spirit, rejoicing in the promises of God. I can’t wait to hug my husband whatever time he returns home. Because I have learnt that you overcome evil with good. If you fight fire with fire, fire wins.
I live off the Bible; it’s so good. Don’t give up, don’t cry. It only makes you feel sorry for yourself and then you start crying again. Just pray and meditate on the word of God. I cry too sometimes but I quickly bring myself back to my spiritual senses knowing that our battle is not against flesh and blood.
You are your husband’s lifesaver, 1 Corinthians 7:13-16. Stay patient for his spiritual growth and forgive him. He will be won without a word, God still has a lot of work he is doing on him (according to His timeline). Continue to love him unconditionally and build that strong foundation for your marriage. After this storm is over, nothing will shake your marriage again. Our weapon and strength is in God and Jesus our savior. For now, just trust God and lean not on your own understanding.
What you are going through is not about your husband’s love for you or what you have done wrong. There is a spiritual warfare going on and evil wants people to give up on marriage. But we are prepared for the devil’s attacks because we are aware of his motives.
(US) I don’t know if you still monitor this as the last post, is, a year old but I hope you do. Your articles seem to help a little, unfortunately my situation is complicated. My wife and I have long since fallen away from God since we first got married.
We have been married for 3 years. About three months ago after coming back from a 2 week deployment I found inappropriate flirting text messages on a recently changed phone from a coworker and explicit photos from another guy. I was devastated. I was by no means blameless though. My wife was abused sexually as a child, sexual intimacy and other intimacy have always been extremely difficult for us.
This left me feeling very hurt and put a lot of stress on our marriage. I turned to porn and my wife was understandably upset. By the time I finally quit because I realized how much it was hurting her about a year ago she had by her own admission already checked out emotionally. She said the flirting was all that happened and I believe her. We were going to marriage counseling when I found out and have been going for several months. Things seem to getting better as far a getting along but she basically told in counseling me that sex is off the table for now.
She says she still doesn’t know how she feels about me because of her bitterness in the past. We cuddle, kiss and hug but I don’t know if she is doing this because she wants to just keep me off her back. I’m so frustrated with her indifference to how she feels about me overall. She is seeing somebody individually (counselor) and so am I. I just wonder if we have too many issues, too many scars.
I feel so weary. We haven’t had sex in several months, I need to connect with her badly and I feel myself withdrawing. I know that her scars will take time to heal but she acts so stone cold I’m not sure she even sees this as a problem, or more of who she is. I love my wife so much and I’m trying to hang in there, I just can’t tell if she’s just trying to let me down easy, or what to do. Just tired of being in pain and being neglected when I’ve changed and I’m giving her everything I’ve got.
(USA) I have read a lot of the comments and topics associated with this website because I am a 25 year old mother of 5 kids total (between he and I), married 2 years, unemployed for 3 years, and in the ministry. I am running an exhausting race and even though my marriage is a struggle, because Satan attacks what is pure and holy and powerful, I had to reply to the spirit of your message because marriage is ministry.
It’s a great example of our struggle in marriage with Christ. God made man to be the head under Him and the woman to be the head under man. It is grieving for you to send such an encouraging/discouraging word, as a wounded woman who has no Godly advice to give at all. It is tough being married and people are on the website to get much needed help on the battle field.
My suggestion to anyone on a Christian website is to give Godly, truly encouraging words of help as we married people are a diminishing minority. There are enough homosexual relationships; there are enough wounded, controlling woman trying to castrate our STRONG men of God. Marriage is no matter of luck, it is a matter of diligence enough in the Word of God, in your own life to be able to make a difference in the lives of your spouses and others. It is also a matter of people making sites like this to talk about so very REAL issues that people need guidance with.
Your post is old, but I am not writing this for you. I am writing it for the people, like me, who will view it. And I pray against the spirit of Jezebel and come against divorce in the name of Jesus. I come against bitterness, ignorance, distrust and ask that it is you, God, who will cleanse us all. Use whatever, God, even this web page to cleanse us. I cover this ministry with the blood of Jesus and ask God that it will be a tool to heal marriages including my own. I thank you God that this word will do what it was sent out to do and that every idle word be judged in the name of Jesus. Amen. And truly be blessed.
(USA) Glad I found a discussion that is Christian based regarding marriages. I have been married for 11 years and been unhappy for 9 of them. I sometimes feel like I only stay because of the children. However, he is a good man, just very different from what I expected a husband who belonged to me would/should be like.
In the beginning, he let me wear the pants for so long that I felt macho and looked at him as being weak. After being tired of calling the majority of the shots with everything, I got burned out and was looking for a way out due to this. Being brought up in the church as a child, and having both of my parents in the home until the tender age of 12 when they divorced, I think that is what shaped my ideal man, marriage and way of of thinking. I felt that if my dad could have an affair and leave his family for another, than any man could do it. It also didn’t help to have a mother who was so hurt and bitter from the affair and divorce to see her live with this tragedy. She was so hurt that she not only trashed my father but all men, which put a bad taste in my mouth on how to trust anyone.
I feel so alone even while married. I have slept on the couch for over 4 years because it was my way of dealing with my husband not being affectionate towards me except at night in bed. I felt that he didn’t deserve any sexual relationship with me since he didn’t show me the love and affection I so badly wanted and needed. I found myself flirting, surfing the net and talking to other men for comfort etc. This has been going on for so long that I finally put it all in God’s hands and left it at the alter until I recently found out that my husband treats other women that he works with kind and loving. This has set me off to the point where I don’t trust him and feel he is having an emotional affair or two with women at his place of work.
I feel I have stronger faith then he does, so I lead the family in prayer daily, read my Bible and watch TBN to help me get through the difficult times (EVERYDAY)! I love my husband but I don’t like him because I want to be treated like a Queen and admired. I don’t feel like I am his 1 in a million and by feeling this way, it leads me back to surfing the net for friendship and flirting to fill this void. I know that God is not pleased with this behavior but I keep doing it because I feel so alone and neglected. Tried counseling, praying, talking to him over and over about how I feel and now I am strongly considering to just walk away from this life. Needing some spiritual advice badly!
(USA) You seem to be VERY hard on your husband. Your expectations are extremely high and you are cold to him.
You like the pants and control of the marriage. You want him to tear them from your hands when he has never been that person. You are unsatisfied because you are the major issue. You want him to fix you. He should — but you are the one with the psychological issues.
Do not use your religion/spirituality as a badge of superiority. If you understood the grace you have been given you would be a much more humble person. I am learning that myself.
Be easy on him… give him a reason to like you. As is, you have beat him into a decade of submission and bark at him to get up. Give up your power… then things will change. Otherwise, just leave him… you are sinning either way.
(USA) Roni, I hope this post of your is just from recently… but to give my opinion and advice. As a women in Christ we need to be sober, to have a clear mind as always, be ready to give spouse a good reasons why. Stop resenting your husband and looking backward from your past, let go of hurts emotions and forgive. Wrong actions, cannot solve problem, waiting for your spouse to do his action, to do some changes will maybe take forever to happen. Remember when Christ died for us he set aside his own will and gave it everything just for us to give freedom and salvation. Same thing what you’ve been thru, you trying to win your husband’s adoration towards you and it takes time, patience and endurance. Bible says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Pray for God’s wisdom so he can direct you… God Bless!
(NIGERIA) I got married to a man whom I love so dearly and even trusted with all my life. But things went wrong when our marriage was 3 yrs. He started receiving strange calls, telling lies and even got addicted to his phone so that he had no time for me and the children. I’ve complained several times but he hasn’t changed.
But the most painful part of it is that he has a controling mother who runs the affairs of our home. My mother in law will report me to my husband and my hubby doesn’t find out the truth, only fight with me. This has been causing troubles in my home. I can’t feel love any longer in my home. Please help me.