Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) I found this article extremely helpful and it seems to me it has been studied well and I will definitely reflect on it. All the other stories did upset me.
Where to start? I first got that gut feeling I never had before about this other girl, when he kept talking about right in front of me. He was acting like a lion hunting… My senses got awaken somehow. I had to be careful. I went away to stay with my mum for a week and retrospectively, never leave your partner for too long! I regret it now. My partner kept telling me to stay with my family for a while longer because he was working so much anyway (which was true). I stayed longer than I thought, also having had a death in the family.
I came back to a different person. He was distant, working long hours (I know), but unusually tense and nearly against me for some reason and everything I did or didn’t do. Some made sense, but most of the time -didn’t. Sensing that I was thinking there was something wrong, he started by telling me that the girl I had suspicions about came onto him one night but nothing ever happened. I got a message by accident on my phone which was a normal conversation. They were somewhere -sounded like a small gathering of people but I got a funny feeling from that message!
Not to embarrass him or accuse him of anything I was careful about how I asked things and kept observing, but it all became very confusing as lies and what seemed like unnecessary comments kept coming my way. I probably got a bit paranoid… Anyway, this continued for months where he would laugh at my suspicions and call me crazy. I caught him lying about still being in the office until 9pm(!) but denied it. (He was in the pub but never did this before.)
He did what all men do, deny any situation, turn everything around etc. He kept saying he did nothing, I was killing him with this etc., he did nothing.
I think I stopped it in time but it still hurts me. All those lies and confusion between us, the hurt, the shaken feelings, the enormous sense of loss, days and nights unexplained fears, crying all the time, the suicidal thoughts I had, all this makes me think that something went wrong. I even blame myself for not being strong enough and take more control of the situation. We were with great friends last weekend and I burst into tears. It helped a lot.
We are fine now but I still get paranoid about this girl or what she represents and afraid this situation or she will always be in the way. We really love each other but going through all this has not been easy. I think we are moving on. Worse things happen at sea as they say! After all, we all can be vulnerable sometimes. And he still says everything he did, he did it for us!
I think it is probably my fault for not looking after us recently and not taking charge of our lives enough. I think that is my advice -always go with your instincts. There will always be something in the way if you are not careful to wreck the ship! It is clear that neither of us can spend our lives apart. We would both be devastated. Maybe it was a warning. We are so close -but it has been hard and I was hard! We only live once -lets spend it by loving each other and not ripping each other apart. Naomi.
(UK) Naomi, I know exactly where you are coming from; that’s the point I’m up to – to try and work on things is so difficult when it’s always there at the back of your mind. I say to you’ve done well and big hugs for staying and hanging in there and working at the marriage.
I don’t know where you have found the strength from; some days I just want to walk out of the house and never turn back, but I have the children to think of and I was never the one who broke the vows so I have to trust in others prayers that things will end up good, if not better.
I always now think he (my husband) is just with me till it suits him, and I find it so hard to believe in the word love any more but I am trying. Either he’ll play me for a fool again or he will prove himself worthy of me, but I have a long journey before that happens and he would have to go through a remarriage to set things in stone for me.
You should hold your head up high and remember we have done nothing wrong and we do not deserve to be hurt like we have or treated in this way. if your husband does love you he needs to learn to prove it and show you. I wish you more strength and pray that your marriage is a happy one also. God bless, from Tracy (uk) xx
(UK) Thank you Cindy, for your again positive comments. I know what you mean. I know God doesn’t go round zapping people. I just meant that I am a good Christian person and I understand God loves us all but what I meant was I don’t understand why my husband couldn’t have had the strength to have said ‘NO thank you but I’m married and I love my wife!’ The way I see things is now is that he doesn’t love me, it’s just easier and less hurtful to others if he ended up having to go through divorce.
He doesn’t go through my daily battle of waking up every day and wondering is this the day he’ll come home with another bombshell? I will never ever forget that day for as long as I live. And yet I find myself still living with him like it’s ok for him to do that to me and carry on as though it’s no big deal. It was a big deal to me and I don’t think it’s something I will ever repair or heal from. It’s just hard to go through from thinking “we” and “us” to now thinking “my children and I.”
It was all so perfect and he went and spoiled it all. I hope I manage to move forward but things will never truly be the same. How can they be? It’s not like a silly playground spat. It’s real life and our marriage has been broken. I don’t even see us as being properly married now as he didn’t mean his vows and broke them with this work colleague. I can’t bear it really, having our wedding pictures up all over our wall. What’s the point? It’s hypycrital to have them up when he didn’t give it a second thought when arranging to meet up and talk. What was there to talk about? When is he going to leave me??
And my wedding rings no longer fit as I lost so much weight. A friend recently commented on the fact, why don’t I wear my wedding ring? Why should I have to lie? There is nothing more that I would like out of life than to be with my soul mate and have him be strong enough to say no! I feel so stupid.
(USA) You are correct. It will never be the same. A million shattered pieces, that if you could retrieve them all you could never put them back together again. He gave her everything that belonged to God, me, our kids and she soiled it and now he is trying to wipe it off saying “here, I brought it all back.” I don’t want any of it back and he knows that. The Bible says “he was one with her.” That means he severed this marriage, ended it and it was 22 years of so much. From physical to emotional abuse and all the slander to everyone and doing what he did to our kids. Our oldest and youngest are okay. I see the LORD in them except our middle boy, is like him and his wicked sin’s creation. God, please help that boy before it’s too late.
John 8-44 and many other verses classify all he did and it is every sin in one. It’s so painful to know that this man whom I loved with every ounce of my heart and soul, did it all and for so long. But I kept hanging on believing he would turn around before it was too late. God says he will not let us be tempted by anything we are not able to resist, so my husband willfully failed and out of his hatred for God, who he could not reach to punch, he did it all to me.
My husband cringes to even think this but he had an all out hatred of me. That is how the devil operates. “Your foes will be that of your own household” Matthew 10~36 and the devil is out to destroy families and kids. He knows I’m the only friend he has ever had yet he would even go a couple of ex’s that trashed him before I came along to hurt me. His own mother set out to spilt us up and when I confronted her asking why she didn’t want to see her own son happy, she said “I was his beneficiary for his Army benefits. I raised him his whole life, I should get that.” The love of money is the root of all evil but we saw God deal with all of that just as He said He would.
I loved him when he didn’t have a job and stood by his side as he worked his way up wth his company, now an engineer but he has hated me. I took care of everything while he came and went as he pleased. I have always known there was other stuff but he swears only what I’m certain of. But I’m not stupid. As long as he holds on to any tidbit from me, there will be no real healing and no chance for a real marriage as one flesh. You cannot hide things from your own flesh.
Approaching the one year mark, I’m beginning to think he will never confess the other things. Things he already did long ago he has recanted. Either way it shows the devil still has a tiny corner in his heart and God will not dwell there. Thou shall have no gods before me and it’s all or nothing with our Sovereign LORD. He’s afraid of losing me and I believe since he won’t get it all out that God is going to prepare a way out for me. It may even be my death but my baby girl needs me or I’d have been gone by now.
I’ve always begged him to stop his thoughts, get his heart right, be a Godly man, husband, dad as he portrayed at Church. But he not only refused the entire 14 years he claims to have been saved, he laughed at me. Sneered actually, he would walk out of there seething at me and the kids saying he wished he was a part of any family but this one. My life with him has been miserable and he alone had the power to change it all. I begged him to come back to our bed, wear his ring and so on. He became so much worse when she was hired there in 2005. She has ridiculed him all along too, saying she could get anything she wanted from him and she was right. She says he was a dog slobbering and sniffing, following her around and he was. I’d been there a couple of times and saw it for myself.
Laughing and smiling at her and when he turned to look at me, it all drained from his face. His expression was clear. He hated me and thought she was some sort of goddess and the sad truth is she is hideous. He sees her as everyone else does now and cannot believe he was ever so deceived but it has all chipped away at me and this family all along. I know God works in our weakness but I don’t think I have much left to hang on with. I’m still struggling to stay at 100 pounds and day 2 without eating. This depresssion is crushing me and will continue as long as he hangs onto any secrets until it’s finally too late.
I know him so well and he tells himself it would just cause more pain for me but more important, more for him. He’s right but he should have thought of all that over the last 22 years. I told him when he threw this final stone not to come back from her house that last night, week of Christmas. He said “don’t worry, I won’t be back.” But that morning he came crawling back. A million excuses as he courted and spent our money on anyone that would even notice him and he’s made such a fool of himself.
I cannot stand to hear about my rage and unforgivness. Yes, I am having a hard time but he’s still here. It was his rage and unforgiveness all while claiming Christ, teaching in the church, taking communuion and hating me the way he did that did all of this. If he was saved, the Bible says God would have destroyed him for carrying on with so much hatred and adultrey in his heart so I have to guess he was not because he is still alive and God will never do anything that goes against His own word. God also says you cannot continue in those sins after having received the knowledge of Christ and he was at it for 14 years after making that claim.
He took one of my Christian flags to her to hang on her house and we learned in court he was one of a couple dozen in just a few weeks as well as her reputation at work. He knew what she was. What she was after yet still told her he was in love with her and then my Christian flag? That is the devil’s hatred of Christ as Proverbs 7-27 says that her house is a path to hell going down to the chambers of death.
He has slandered me to everyone that would listen over the last 22 years even our own kids. Not caring that he was teaching his own kids to violate God and His commandments -Honor thy mother and father etc… which could have ultimately led them to hell and all so he could feel like what he thought made a man. He was mocking and slandering Christ daily. Not a saved man but I don’t see how he could have come though this seeing what all he has done and how close he came to infecting and killing each of us and not be saved now.
The sad truth is just in his 12 days of carrying on with her, he showed her more love and respect than he has me since I met him in 1989. Very sad and that would be with any stranger even his enemies. He knows he opened a door and let the devil in and the devil does not give up that easily. Some days my depression is so heavy, I cannot get up. The truth is that he has always been looking to score with anyone and anything and he admits that. Did not care if they were diseased. Like the Word says “rebellious wicked reprobate heart” and he hurt everyone that God gave him to take care of. There is nothing that doesn’t remind me of it all, nothing right down to my name and none of it will ever go away. He threatened me over the eyars and I knew the forst time one owuld, he would athough he knows they are just after money, she said so, he never cared and figures he’ll deal with the consequences tomorrow.
I feel like I have wasted 22.5 years of my life with him and I have. He’s sorry and repentant and the fact that he’s here shows I’ve forgiven but this is my wreckage. The Harvest for all he has always set out to do. He did exaclty what he has always promised me he would but now he is changed (Saved, I’m guessing) but none of that undoes my damage. You cannot undo dead and defiled and I don’t think he will ever fully get all he’s done to me and his kids until he stands before God or over my casket. Please keep my family in your prayers. I keep you all in mine.
(INDIA) I hate this world. I wish Jesus could come back to us fast so that no one will ever need to write all this. Pray that he gives us all the love we need in return of all the pain and ache we feel for the loved ones who cheat us… Waiting for Jesus to come and save all of us … patiently waiting…
(USA) I wish that too. Many say it but when they actually think about it they don’t mean it. For us, it is only natural to escape the pain.
The LORD says He saved us to worship Him and lead others to Him. The Great Commission, spread the Gospel. When the Lamb’s Book of Life is full, He will call us out.
I have lost all but a couple of friends in this. Unlike a death, no one wants to hear it and as the devil loves to kick us when we’re down, he will work through anyone to further hurt us.
To those just starting in this nightmare, you’ll find that out. Not only do they seem to hate you, they are angry at you. People have more animosity towards us than the adulterers.
I think about all of you here daily. “Confess your faults one to another, the prayer of a righteous man availeth much” James 5-16
To those that cannot deal with us that are hurting: much better to just say you cannot handle it or that you don’t want to hear it. The way people lash out is unreal. My neighbor has shared some of the horror she has endured. People have more empathy even sympathy, towards everyone but us.
My husband, the one that has done so much damage has turned out to be my best friend. The only one I can tell it all to. How strange is that?
I sincerely pray for each of you although I may not itemize each of you. When I pray I ask the LORD to “minister to my friends on the MMI site” and He knows. This may be the only place you find others that fully understand and we need each other.
He is the God of all comfort and healing. I pray that for all of us and that this Christmas is the warmest ever. Love and prayers
(ENGLAND) Hi, I have been married for 4 and a 1/2 years, and had been going out with him 3 years prior to this. I never wanted to live with his parents but agreed to do so as the first 2 years of our marriage I was studying (although I had suggested we wait till after the course to get married, he wanted to get married asap) and that we would move out after my course after I found work.
My course was stressful but as a couple we seemed fine, except we argued a lot as I was stressed but we carried on as normal. We went on holidays etc, which were fine. After a few months he began to change. He would get edgy if I asked to spend time with him blaming me for being clingy. I tried to make friends in this new town but it was hard.
He started showing me spreadsheets of money I owed him as he would give money at times to pay for train fare. I was shocked! He wouldn’t share things with me and seemed secretive and got defensive if I asked questions and then we would argue… After my course he mentioned that he thinks I have changed and that we should split up. I was devastated and begged to work on our marriage. So he agreed.
So for the last 2 and a 1/2 years all I have done is try to make out marriage work. He never wants to share things, always throws money he gave me in my face. He is always working, if I bring up moving out he says he has not got enough money and won’t live somewhere where is it small. So he wants more time to make money to get a bigger house. I am fed up of living with his family. Oh yeah, he bought a house with his brother and told me it was none of my business to know about it.
Our problems are endless. He refuses counseling. I have made agreements that I made him sign, which included things like share information with each other, don’t give silent treatments etc. I spoke to his mum on 4 occasions and she hasn’t helped us at all. Anyway, this was getting too much for me to handle. I wanted to leave him but didn’t want to be divorced. He breaks his promises he made in the agreements and I don’t even feel anything for him anymore except friendship, I guess? Or maybe not. We have no intimacy at all, probably for the last year or so.
A couple of weeks ago I found out that he was meeting another woman while we were both in Toronto. I would stay at his granparents home looking after his dying grandmother while he would be out really late and would say he is having a hard time (this was a year ago that we were in Toronto). I was suspicious but let it go. In May 2011 I saw a missed called from a girls name and I asked him about it and he denied knowing who it was even though there was a saved number and it was on his Toronto mobile phone. I let it go again as I trusted him. (!)
So back to a couple of weeks ago. I found out that this woman was the same woman he was meeting a year ago who the missed call was from -so he lied to me! He forwarded me emails between them and she said she loved him and he told her that he was married and that from now on he will only talk to her but not meet! Anyway, I don’t beleive him anymore. I just don’t trust him, whether he physically did anything with her is not the point. He lied and betrayed me and for a whole year! And now he STILL thinks he did nothing wrong. He denies saying he told me he didn’t know who the contact was when I asked him about it in May.
I have now left him. He wants to NOW go to couselling and he says everything is his fault. He always says that and he is nice for some time and then changes again. I simply don’t trust him and I don’t think I could get over my hurt to even try to trust him. He disgusts me and I am so disappointed he lied and betrayed me again (as this similar thing happened at the start of our marriage and I did move on).
I feel stupid for believing him. But actually now I am away from him and his family, I am so relaxed and chilled. I have many health issues and they have resolved and my friends and work colleagues have said I appear so much more happier and relaxed.
My husband kept calling me so I told him to give me some space and then contact me in the new year. I thought with time I may miss him, but I don’t. So God knows what my furture holds, but all I do know is that I can’t trust him and I am so glad to be away.
(USA) In 1983 my wife of 13 years left me and our girls aged 12, 11 and 7 for her K-Mart co-worker. Turns out she had been deceiving me for most of our marriage, had engaged in prostitution at least once that I know of, and when she left she was still telling stories of her sexual exploits over the past decade to her friends. Her legacy for me has been a 28 year long porno flick featuring my wife having sex with my co-workers and friends, our neighbors and strangers. And then leaving with no remorse.
I tried to be a good husband and father, always working and sometimes two jobs, going to school to get a degree I didn’t particularly want in order to guarantee being able to support my family. After our split she asked me “you mean you never fooled around?” I told her that I never came close and had never even tried. Of course I recognize my many faults, but I never hurt or hit her, I supported her freedom to have her own friends, hobbies and interests, and always wanted good things for her.
Almost 3 decades later I have not gotten over my shame and self loathing for trusting her. Or my feelings of having been inadequate in every way needed to succeed in the only truly important quest of my life -my family. Nothing else can ever matter nearly as much. In comparing my own experience to loss through death, they seem to be different orders of magnitude. Death is expected. I think I’d be emotionally healthier today if instead of things proceeding as they have, I’d have lost everyone I know to death in 1983. These days death appears as the end of my suffering and therefore my friend.
And then there is the rage and bitterness over her actions that destroyed our family. I have no idea of what forgiveness means and desire that in some cosmic sense she should suffer. Yes, for revenge, but also to force her recognition of how her use of others causes pain as a consequence. She has acted proud of exercising her “free will”. A counselor suggested that her intentions were good, but I see her as mean-spirited. Exercising free will to get something for yourself regardless of likely effect on others is inherently immoral. Her very existence offends me. I cannot even allow myself to think about or look at pictures of my young children growing up because they force me to confront the reality of what was happening during that time. The devil visits me regularly as I beg her in my soul not to do it, as if it hadn’t happened yet.
The teachings of the Catholic Church have been a massively destructive influence on my life. Mainly in the idea of marriage as permanent and sacred. My mother stayed with my wife-beating alcoholic father through 5 children because of her religion. And though not a devout Catholic myself, I attended religious schooling through the 8th grade and strongly wanted my marriage to be permanent and sacred and my family to be safe and happy as we shared the growth of the children.
The clear fact is that marriage should not be permanent in many cases, and that the Catholic church has inflicted incalculable pain to incalculable millions of folks who have been brainwashed otherwise. Dumber-than-dirt folks like me, who romantically embraced marriage permanence emotionally and spiritually.
Marriage is simply an agreement between couples to provide for each other. You only learn the extent of your spouse’s commitment and honesty afterwards. Marriages that lack these minimum requirements can be destructive to the entire family. They are often untenable and should be ended. The Catholic Church is like a father teaching his child to do something that is not unlikely to cause extreme injury. The child will later come to judge the father harshly. As he should. Marriage permanence is an intention. Many who are convinced to make it an irrevocable decision pay an awful price and the their convincers are complicit.
My feelings about the Catholic church are my only conclusion so far in trying to figure out what went wrong. Another “suspect” in this search is the concept of attachment. Here I have mixed feelings. Buddhist philosophy essentially states that attachment causes the suffering in life, and this is difficult to dispute. But the human condition, for most of us, almost requires us to become attached to one another and to principles. I am working toward detachment, but resent and curse the human condition that logically requires that we will fail. It’s a rigged game and we all lose. My detached self tells me I should accept this as the way things are, but I’ve got to tell you that this approach is pretty unsatisfying.
Thanks to all for sharing their stories, feelng the pain of your betrayals has been therapeutic for me. And sorry for being so dark, that’s just where I seem to live. I may never be willing to accept without judging the pronouncements of any human would-be interpreter of morality again. So although this is a Christian website, I cannot consider myself a Christian by anyone else’s definition of that word. Only by my own.
I wish us all peace, especially now during the holidays.
P.S. What is an “emotional affair”? At a glance, it would seem to me that any man or woman has a right to attach themselves emotionally to others. How is that different than friendship?
(UNITED STATES) My girlfriend of 8 years expressed that she was unhappy many times over the years. I was constantly threatened with her leaving if I spoke my mind about anything. This was alarming because 8 years ago she left her ex-husband around Christmas and moved in with me. I thought it was harsh but, did not understand what may have occurred and did not judge but her tone toward him was evil and disrespectful in spite of 13 years with him. She confessed to knowing she wanted out with him while saying “I do” and cheating on him many times behind his back. So why did I believe her? She used the “God” scam by telling me she was called by God and changed.
Her mother and friends said she would do the same to me. I just did not believe that but 8 years later it was all true. I was stable last year financially and asked her if she wanted to leave amicably but she said no. This year she took a job at a church. I would pick her up from work and I noticed the doors were locked and she was always alone with the Pastor. The church was huge and the office was in the basement with no windows. The day before Thanksgiving she said she no longer needed me and the Pastor would take her to work. The day after she never came home. She never came back for her clothes, property nothing. It has been a month since she left me the same way and date she left her ex 8 years ago.
I now realize my relationship was a scam. She left me after she spent all of my money and we lost our home. Now she is paying my bills but, has not called or wrote since she left. She requested a protective order against me even though I have not called or come near her. I do not mourn her. I mourn my stupidity. That I loved her enough not to abandon her last year but, given the same opportunity at my lowest point she did it in a blink of the eyes.
(USA) Dealing with betrayal is never easy. And everyone has to find a way to deal with it in their own way. A student of betrayal myself, I have not been able to follow one particular path but have made my own. The responsibility I have to my children is the reason I have decided to give my husband a second chance.
What has helped me is that I’ve made this second chance conditional. I made my husband sign a contract, (renewing vows are not enough) that spelled out exactly what I expected and would never accept again. It also spelled out the consequences should he breach this contract, including monetary ones. (Yeah, that part was tough for him.) And the contract is NON-NEGOTIABLE. Period. If I’m having a moment where I need to show him how hurt I am, I do. If he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. When there is something I like to do that I would never have done without his consent, I tell him I’m doing it. I don’t ask. If he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. If I need time to be by myself, I tell him and I go off and do it. If he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is.
There are things in life we have no choice in. Betrayal however, is a choice. I’ve learn to deal with my pain by putting the ball in my court and deciding how things are going to be now. And I’m always clear about one thing: If he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is.
(USA) I discovered 2 weeks ago my wife had been having an affair for the past 6 months. I knew we had problems and that she was not communicating with me like before, but I thought in time things would get better. I also suspected her of having an affair and would confront her about it. She would lie to me and tell me nothing was going on, and I trusted her, though deep down I still suspected.
When I found the entire email history of the affair and confronted her with it, I was devastated. My initial reaction to her was anger. The next day the betrayal, bewilderment and depression arrived. She and I have agreed to try reconciling. But now she is depressed at the hurt she has caused me and at the broken fragments of our marriage. I am doing better having processed with her the reasons she began the affair.
That said, I still have sudden thoughts of sadness or anger. These thoughts can happen suddenly and with or without warning at any time and any place. It’s definitely a “2 steps forward, 1 step back” situation. I know we have a long way to go, but we both seem to be committed to rebuilding our marriage and growing a loving relationship that meets both our needs. Reading articles like this one help me to have some direction and reading other’s replies help me to see that I am not the only one that has had to deal with this, possibly the greatest emotional trauma in my life to date.
Any ideas for dealing with my own sadness and anger, or is time the only cure for this wound? Also, I know my wife should experience the pain and anguish I have felt. However, her resulting depression had made it difficult for us to move forward in working on our relationship. Any advice there?
(USA) I am so sorry about your pain. I understand it. I just found out in early December of my husband’s affair and I am going thru an emotional roller coaster ride. But, I can tell you that if my husband showed me one ounce of depression I would think he is sorry. He got caught cuz he still wants to be with her but wants the security he has with me. Be careful with your hasty decisions. Think about what you are going to do for a couple days before you do it. This is one thing I learned and it has helped.
(USA) Hi BJ: I really do feel your pain as I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair for the past 3 years right under my nose. I felt the same way as you did. I suspected something but when I confronted him he would always make me feel like I was crazy for not trusting him, so I would start questioning myself constantly. When I found out, which was 3 months ago, I was devastated. I couldn’t eat or sleep and had thoughts of really hurting this woman.
I would like to share a book that I read by Eckhart Tolle called “A New Earth Awakening to your Life’s Purpose”. It was an excellent read. It’s not about infidelity; it’s all about the Ego, which is what is making you hurt right now. It was exactly what I needed. The books I’ve read about Infidelity, and I mean I’ve read a lot, have not really helped me heal. Some even made me angrier. This book helped me the most especially when I’m getting in that very, very dark place.
I think of the words that he wrote and what he says about the Ego and I am able to pull myself out of the rut and anger that I am falling into. I don’t know if this is what you need, but maybe it will help. I do suggest reading a lot of books on infidelity, ego and any other self-help books that might interest you. You never know what you are going to read and what is going to be the silver bullet for you. Good Luck.
(CANADA) I just wanted to share my blog with readers here. I discovered my husband’s divorce 22 months ago, and I have documented my journey. For those who feel alone, and want a friend or to read the story of someone who has been there (my story is intense), please visit http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com
(U.S.A.) Dave Carder -is not the FINAL word and authority on affairs and betrayal. He only sees through the glasses he placed upon his nose. May the Lord adjust the prescription a bit! One thing that greatly bothers me, as a man -is the genders most commonly used. Apparently it seems that it is ALWAYS the man who cheats on his poor wife- nothing could be farther rhan the truth!
Also the fallacy that it takes two to tango, some betray their spouses due to reasons well in advance of the two parties even meeting. Some are willing to work on their issues while others are NOT! and to blame the innocent is a travesty upon travesty, Dave Carder needs to repent of this sin of judgementalism and acknowledge the truth which I have plainly declared. Until then -he is not fit to be a couselor coming in the name of the Lord -who will judge him accordingly.
(USA) I agree with Paul to an extent. The betrayed spouse doesn’t always hold the reins. After my ex-wife had her affair, I didn’t hold any reins. I didn’t have any means to make a better marriage with a spouse who wanted to “follow her heart” and continue her affair.
Of course, most know how I feel about the gender specific (and inaccurate) language presented here. Cheating is a character issue, not a gender issue. Affairs demonstrate that both men and women in equal numbers are willing to cheat on what God designed marriage and sex to be.
(NIGERIA) Hi Paul and Tony, I have gone through the article and several others like this and I must say there is nothing gender specific here! Why do men automatically get defensive when certain topics like cheating are addressed?
The only thing I notice is that loads of women seem to have instances where their spouses (men) cheat and being quite expressive, they are quick to pen it down.
Does this mean that women don’t cheat? No! But we have fewer men who are willing to disclose this as opposed to the women.
These articles are not about which gender is worse in sin, they address salient and valid issues that need to be resolved. Let’s try not to turn this into the WAR of the genders and ignore what the articles are trying to do which is help people who need it. I noticed Tony’s response on most articles, and he quickly dismisses the woman’s point of view. I feel this very unfair.
All situations are not the same. Stop being so sensitive and defensive, especially where it seems the men are being encouraged to improve or change. We all need help regardless of gender. Thank you.
(USA) Sims, So women get the benefit of the doubt when they are expressive, but you are critical of my expressive nature? I don’t dismiss the woman’s point of view. In fact, if you read carefully, I often acknowledge that women think and feel they way they do. So counter to what you suggest, I actually validate how many of these women feel.
On the other hand, this is NOT what you are doing here. In fact, you engaged in what you critique me about, you dismiss my point of view.
How can you (falsely) suggest I dismiss a woman’s point of view and at the same time suggest that I need to change my point of view by being less expressive, less sensitive and less defensive about lies from Satan being spread around?
The author has clearly written this from the perspective that it’s the woman who is the victim and the man is the villain. Which, to borrow your words, “I feel this is unfair.”
So I respectfully ask that you not spread false statements about me, and that you allow me the same courtesy (that I already give) that you are asking me to offer and value my perspective and experience as much as those of others.
(NIGERIA) Hi Tony, my response was not intended to upset you. The article speaks about betrayal and absolutely did not specify any gender. Maybe you need to read it again.
Also maybe you should try and go through my earlier response which you have completely misconstrued. No where did I mention that you were wrong for expressing your views. I appeal once again that we learn from these articles instead of getting defensive and turning it into a gender issue. The focus is how to overcome betrayal and not which gender is to blame.
Also what lies of Satan are you talking about? I’m really baffled. If in spite of this you still don’t understand the basis of my response, I will have to conclude that ‘men are truly from Mars and Women from Venus.’ God bless.
(MOZAMBIQUE) I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years with a man that I’ve changed my life for. I moved to another city jobless, but I loved him so much that all went well; I found a job and now have a 2 year old son.
2 months ago I found out he was cheating on me so I confronted him but he denied so I spent 2 weeks without talking only saying hello and bye. He didn’t know to what extend I knew so he confessed, and when he did my world feel apart. He apologized for having an affair of several months with a woman that lives in the same town as us (she supplies services to my company so I have to see her face twice a week).
He said that the same won’t happen ever again and has been trying to get things back like they used to be.
Ever since ive been having this horrible pain that won’t go away, i dont trust him, cannont forgive him.
In a situation like this if I forgive him he will be ok (she has forgiven me and we are moving on, everything is ok now), but what bout me? If I forgive him, I’m the one who has to change and deal with the betrayal, to regain back my feelings, and to avoid thinking bout what happened and to not feel bad every timeI see that woman.
I need an oppinion, cause I need to make a decision, I’ve been for 2 months without talking to him and this is consuming me from the inside and I cannot keep on living like this any longer.
Im so confused, should i forgive him or not?
(UK) How do you truly know that an affair is over and done with though? I was devastated when my husband had an affair with a fellow colleague and I am still trying to recover from this.
My husband, whom I have children with, seems to have swept it under the carpet as if it was nothing. But it was a big deal to me and one I am still trying to come to terms with over a year after I found out about it. I asked for marriage guidance of which I am still waiting for!
In the meantime life goes on, and although my husband has told me it’ll never, ever happen again and that he realises how close he came to losing his family and that he’d made a stupid mistake. He has been able to move forward far easier and quicker than I (maybe the colleague meant that much to him she so is easily forgettable). But I am still living with the uncertianty daily.
And still struggling to move forward, my goodness, every day is so difficult to get up out of bed knowing what he did and having to carry on as normal as though nothing happened when some days all I want to do is cry and scream and run away from him. He knows he hurt me and wants us to stay together as a family but how do I ever forgive and make this marriage a happy one?
I still feel like such a fraud that he broke our vows but yet I am still expected to celebrate our anniversary!!! I don’t understand how I move forward in a positive way. I seem to be stuck in a ground-hog way way everyday. The thought of what happened can’t seem to escape me. Are there any people who have husbands cheat and still been able to recover from the ordeal?
(UK) Hi. On Christmas day I found out by accident that my husband was actively looking for “a woman of his dreams” and had been corresponding with a couple. He’s register on a dating site as a single hardworking businessman who finds it difficult to meet the right one. I confronted him and he says it’s nothing, just some harmless fun that he indulges in when he feels lonely and down. He promised he’d put a stop to it and that we’d put some extra effort into our marriage.
For the past 3 years now I myself, have felt isolated. He hardly shows any interest in me at all. We run our own business so life is quite hectic so I put it down to that. 5 days later I discovered he has been on a phone chat site and for the past 4 months has been chatting with a woman from abroad. He sends her messages daily, sometimes as much as 5 times. Also, he’s mentioned about going over to meet her.
Again, he says this doesn’t mean anything and that he truly loves me. Another 5 days later to my shock and horror I discovered he’d been sending dirty pictures of his genitals to random women. When I confronted him he says that some woman had insulted him and said that he couldn’t get a hard-on.
I am truly, truly devastated. I am not sure I want to continue being with him. I feel he just belittles my feelings of hurt and betrayal, like it was nothing important and I’m just overreacting.
At the moment I am teetering on the edge of a breakdown. I just cannot get those photos out of my head. I keep asking myself was it me? Could I have done anything different to prevent these things that have happened? Am I a drama queen? I can hardly sleep, eat; I feel really depressed.
(UNITED KINGDOM) This is very true. I found my wife had been cheating on me and now I feel like it’s all over. The problem with cheating is that it’s impossible to do so without being a liar. The infidel must compromise his/her beliefs and moral values in order to pursue an affair. Although love may still remain, trust in nearly impossible to regain. What a shame.