Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(UK) Monica, I understand you are looking for answers, in some ways I guess we all are, each and everyone of us on this site. But no one can tell you if you should forgive or not. That is something you have to figure out yourself, given time as am I still trying to do, that is part of your journey through all this nightmare.
It is difficult especially if you have children, as whatever decision you make will have some kind of effect on them, however much you try to protect and shield them. But I think in some ways you are a better person because it shows your child how much you not only love them but how much you love their father/mother. And I am not saying for a single minute that we deserve to be cheated on because we do not.
I have been trying to get over something which happened well nearly a year and a half ago. However, I remained in the marital home as did my husband and although I will never truly know the exact content of what happened we both stayed and are both still in the marriage. I suppose that must count for something right??
The pain, hurt and knowledge of the affair will not ever go but I have found it will lessen, however the distrust is still ongoing. I have found I still, after all this time despite his assurances, expect my husband to come home and announce that he’s torn between two women and unsure of his feelings for his wife. I have huge anxiety. However I am still here. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions but would do what you are already doing and that is being a loving mother to your child and remaining there for your spouse. Maybe the rest will fall into place.
Warm hugs go out to you and keep your head held high and remember we were the ones who haven’t done anything wrong! At the end of the day the cheater is the one who will one day meet their maker and they will be the one to have to stand up and explain their actions as to why things happened in the first place. Whereas the person who has been cheated on will have the knowledge and understanding of forgiveness and strong belief and love in their hearts.
We are not to be walked over. We didn’t instigate any of this in the first place we are the mere victims who are left to pick up the pieces and figure out the answers. But we have learnt far more on our journey and we are strong people deep down inside. So smile a smile and show your worth and just be yourself. I wish you good luck and good times on your onward journey. xx
(UK) Monica, Thank you so very much for your kind words. It helps a lot to know that I am not going through all of this alone, and how much your words give me a little more hope that there is some light at the end of the tunnel and that I am not a weak person for staying in a marriage after I have been cheated on. I am still in the marital home with my husband but yes, like you, always living an uncertainty of waiting for that one day to happen again where he’ll come home and tell me he’s torn again.
Your words have given me some strength and encouragement, but it is very difficult to try and move forward and enjoy a marriage after what’s been done. It is a scar, an emotional one and one that has definitely scarred my inner soul. What makes me sadder than anything is that he told me he would tell me the truth and he still hasn’t spoke about it. I understand he probably wants to push things under the carpet and move on and not rake things up but I still need to know, to find a bit of closure. Notice I say a bit of closure. I will never find proper closure because I keep expecting him to stray again. The trust has gone.
(US) Well, like most others, I thought… this could never happen to me. My wife and I, I thought, and still think, were/are deeply in love. How do I ever deal with what she and my so called friend did to me?
Here is what hurts so bad besides the obvious. My wife has been dealing with cancer since 1999. In 2005 it came back in a different location. So, since 2005 she has been a stage 4 cancer patient. I have there for her through thick and thin. I have loved her with all my heart. I have feared losing her because of cancer since 2005.
Now, this loss is worse than ever. She says it was an emotional attachment to this guy, and never planned to let this happen. He too was dealing with a health problem, and like I said, we were all mutual friends. So I never suspected anything. She claims it only happened 2 times. She claims there were no feelings, and that she doesn’t even remember it because it meant nothing.
Because of the cancer she has said so many times over the years she wants to feel normal. She says that this brief encounter with him was just to take her away from her life of dealing with cancer. What about me in all of this? Now she says, I just need to move on and we start all over. We are getting counseling, but this is by far more difficult than any cancer we have dealt with. I am at a loss. I love my wife, but this is so hard. What do I do to forgive her and move on with our lives?
(USA) I am so sorry Brad, for all of it and the horriffic journey you are heading into. Ours “broke” a year ago on 12-19 and I am just now able to function with any sort of anything! The pain, grief and anger are unreal. I came so close to suicide so many times and the spiritual attack on my kids is so real. I see they still feel it too.
My husband is changed, perhaps “saved” for the first time. He hates her, really always has. Lust is never love but always sex. That is how the devil takes all that God intends for good and makes it dirty, and I know that although my husband holds his accountability, she exemplifies Satan and all he aims to do which is destroy all God loves. Family, kids, commitment and none of it could have happened without his willing particpation.
Two failed attempts (I may not believe that but she confirms in her pet name for him now) in 12 days of carrying on and she was looking for money, even said so. What do you think anyone wants with a middle aged man that cannot “perform” (see my story if you have the time) is not faithful to his God, wife and kids? What does ayone want with a person like that? $$$
She is given into a reprobate heart and her mentality is that since God didn’t give her what she wanted, she takes it then expects forgiveness but that is implying Calvary was cheap and easy and IT WAS NOT!! IT cost Jesus everything!! Oh Lord, there will be hell to pay for the unrepentant that continue to mock Him!
There are times when my husband holds me and I feel his tears running silently. He seems to feel all I feel when I feel it. I’m as angry over him coming back as I am over all he did. Alone in my flesh, I don’t want him, I just don’t want the devil to take anymore than he already has. It is so hard! It is all so intense.
There are no magic words or quick fixes and others will bash you over it, screaming about your rage and unforgiveness. Just more of the devil and he is everywhere. All I can tell you is that God is not mocked and all will get their Harvest whether repentant or not. Forgiven does not mean no consequences.
Jesus does for the sin we were born into. That is what is He cast into the sea of forgetfulness. He says that we do after confessing Him will have to be accounted for. So few are reading all of scripture, just the feel-good, no consequence movement going on.
Please see Dr. David Clarke’s book “I Don’t Want a Divorce” and go right to chapter 17. This is the devil’s world and he is hard at work tearing all that is Holy apart. God seems so far off at times and I think of Job. How did he manage?
Just remember that Jesus wept over the betrayal of just a friend and He is God, what are we suposed to do when slandered and sold out by our own flesh? Hang on friend. It’s going to be very rough but it “gets a bit easier (NEVER GOES AWAY -IT IS A PEACE FOREVER GONE), like the edges of broken glass tumbled in the sand.” You can count on God’s promises><>
(USA) Oh wow, I said that ours broke on 12-19 but that was of 2010 so it has taken me over a year to get to any sort of functioning point. I have teetered on the verge of suicide many times. And it amazes me how everyone blames the victim, ALWAYS and bashes us. More of the devil kicking us when we are down.
(USA) Your husband is cheating. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s focus first on what you SHOULDN’T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret –things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don’t put him out or leave him -yet. Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts.
There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance to work things out.
2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity. It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the “other woman.” Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband’s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they’re in a vulnerable state.
Telling your husband’s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband’s affair.
3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening. Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.
4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose. Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he’s cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair -names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take.
DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? -829 Telltale Signs” will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.
5. Don’t waste your time and energy on the other woman. One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband’s affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
© 2003 by Ruth Houston
(USA) I disagree, unless you are the kind of person that thinks you deserve to contract a disease, that may affect your kids. Are not worthy of God’s plan of a faithful marriage and a spouse that will honor you.
When this broke for us, my husband asked to come talk to me. I figured to discuss the kids, I never imagined he would expect to come back and be my husband but he did. This has only added to my depression. It’s been a year, I could be divorced and on with a happy life but he refuses to let me go.
God says He allows divorce for this. The marriage bed IS undefiled which means if it is a marriage it remains undefiled. This one is defiled therefore no longer a marriage. If all I had going for me was my faithfulness, I would be better than he deserved. He is just like the millions in history that sold out. The people that mocked Noah, Soddom and Gomorrah, those that screamed to crucify Jesus. He knew what was right and wrong but continued anyway. You may call that a prize but I do not and neither does God or He would say to stick it out at all costs. HE does not. He gave her everything, did everything with her, did not care if it cost him his soul. Now, he should go with the changes he made. I can do much beter than that.
(UNITED STATES) Pavrone, you say HE won’t let YOU go, but you are just as capable of filing for divorce as he is. Perhaps you haven’t because deep down you want to try to mend your family, but you’re too angry to admit it right now. I’m one of the first people to always stand up, and say that especially if there are kids involved you should try to make your marriage work. Children of married parents tend to do better in school, and make better life choices down the road often learning from their parent’s mistakes. Also having seen my own parents go through this as a kid it taught me that no matter what I should never cheat on my wife, and I have stayed true to her since we began dating at 13.
However it wasn’t easy for my parents as much work to make it work had to be done by my mom as had to be done by my dad. It wasn’t easy for me to forgive my wife for cheating on me when we were dating at 15 either. Even though later on I figured out that it was connected to the fall out of her childhood sexual abuse, but I didn’t figure that out until MUCH more recently. The same will go for you, and your husband IF you choose to try to reconcile. It’s a LONG LONG, LONG road, but it can all work out in the end with hard word, and the grace of God.
He’ll need to stop being with other women, and focus on you, and your kids. He shouldn’t assume that because you are ready to try to make things work that he can just “jump back in the saddle” so to speak like nothing happened. He’ll need to start back at square 1 as if you two just met. He should sleep in another bedroom (let’s face it in today’s economy keeping 1 roof over your 2 heads is hard enough let alone 2) until YOU decide that you’re ready to accept him back into your bed. He needs to date you, and earn your trust (definitely the hardest part). He has a lot, and I mean a lot of work to do whether it was one time, or one hundred times.
You’ll need to be near him without giving him “that look” (all you ladies know the look I’m referring to), and try to enjoy his company like you once did. It isn’t going to be easy to forgive him, but if he is committed to trying to save your marriage, and puts forth the effort, then you should give it at least a shot. Even if you go into it with the mind set that it’s “just for the kids” after a while if he really has changed, and you really do forgive him maybe you’ll both remember why you fell in love to begin with.
Well let’s see I said some of what he needs to do which is basically court you as if you just started dating all over again, and what you need to do which as hard as it will be to do is forgive him. Now for what the 2 of you will need to do. First, and this is basically the real biggie you’ll need to find time ALONE, with out the kids for the 2 of you to talk. Drop them off on the grandparents, or a trusted friend whatever, as long as they’re safe, and cared for.
Probably one of the biggest causes of the rift that led to his infidelity was the break down of communication, and the loss of that time to be connected with you that we all get into with the need for the 2 income house holds, so he ended up connecting with someone else. Once you start making this time to talk KEEP doing it at least once a week. You need to go over your marriage together, and find where things started going wrong, and don’t argue about WHEN it was because chances are it started for him at one point, and you at another point. Talk about your early years together, your wedding, your kids births. Cover everything including who she was, why he was attracted to her, and what they did. Tell him how you feel about what he did, and how bad it hurts. Get EVERYTHING out in the open. Don’t leave a single word unsaid.
I know you said it happened a year ago, but he won’t let you go. So tell him you’re willing to try, but he has a set time period from NOW (at least 6 months would probably be a good place to start, and don’t tell him his time started a year ago, and he HAD 12 months that’s just ridiculous) to show you that he’s still the man you fell in love with. That if he is he’ll be willing to start back at square 1, First base, holding hands, and IF he does show you that then eventually you’ll be able to trust him again enough to go for home. Like I said it isn’t going to happen over night, but if you want to show your kids that marriage can recover even from one of the worst things a man, or woman can do to their spouse then go for it, and prove it to yourself as well. If you don’t feel you can trust him after the amount of time you give him THEN let go, but give it a real strong go in the meantime.
(USA) We are well past all of that and are working on our marriage. Going on 23 years, ours kids are 22, 14 and 9. Neither of us has anywhere to go and I have made this home. He knows that and my kids deserve their home so he would have to go. I made it clear, early on that I was struggling with whether to work on this or not. I have half my life invested and endured plenty at the hands of my parents selfish sins as a kid.
My husband will tell you, he does not want to let me go and I have no where to go with my kids in tow. He says he will do whatever I want but then begs me to try and make it work. I am not pouring money into an attorney and I haven’t sugar coated any of this or the reality of what it all is. He has been the man of my dreams but the wreckage remains. That is what God calls “the Harvest” for all he has sown.
And I have learned, by trying to help others in their grief that there is no time table on processing grief. No one has the right to tell another when they should be better or get over it yet they all want to do that. The scars from this on us will never go away and I have welcomed people that cannot handle it to just say so but spare me (this is not directed at you) and other’s that have been teetering on suicide over their pain the pulpit theology which so many seem to do. Throwing these key verses at us when we cannot get out of the bed from over-whelming depression.
A wave of this went through my town and church. The pastor’s wife had much to say when in mid-sentence she learned of her own nightmare and a few with the same person. None of the other wive’s are with their husbands and say they are not going to be. The devil is laughing.
As the mother and homemaker, it is quite different than packing a suitcase and leaving. That’s what he should have done if he were unhappy enough to “cut this baby in half.” This home belongs to me and the kids. To get another property would be an investment and we haven’t found one yet, so he is here and begged me to please give him another chance. I have. He believes not being able to find a property is God’s indication that God does not want us apart :/
I am angry, have every right to be. “Be ye angry but sin not…” Ephesians 4-26. I trying here :) I lost 35 pounds in that first 3 weeks and have suffered many health problems from it with lingering symptoms of starvation. Enlarged spleen from the rapid shrinking of my organs, blood sugar issues and now seizures. This was an all out spiritual attack and he knows he opened the door to the enemy on this family. That is what Satan does, through all sexual sin. Destroy families, marriage and children and only Christ can overcome.
As I said, Alone in my flesh I don’t want him but I don’t want the devil to take anymore but I would never date anyone of I knew anyone they had been with. To try and overlook all of this in very difficult. I am not the least bit concerned with him doing anything again. We are fully trusting God but I come here to share my feelings which is all the therapy you can get other than talking with each other as accountability partners.
(US) Wow! It’s amazing how many people get betrayed. Well, I have been with my bf for only about 7 months and I recently found out he was talking, texting, receiving naked pictures and giving this girl a ride to work for a month long. When I found out I broke up with him and he continued to talk to this girl and he said they kissed to. I found out they were talking so long through phone records.
I am 21 weeks pregnant with his child so I thought it might be in my best interest to try to work things out with him but I’m not sure if it’s going to be worth it. I’m worried because he decided to betray me so early into our relationship. I do believe people can change if they want to but if it’s starting off with betrayel I don’t know what will happen later. I’m so confused right now about what to do. I feel betrayed, sad, and confused. I just want to be happy again.
(USA) My husband had a crack problem and he was with a girl all the time. He said that was his drug dealer. I know he had a drug problem (in recovery) but I feel he was wanting to be with this girl. He would take off on us for days at a time. He told me he thought she was fine and if we were not together he would have been with her.
Now he thinks all should be ok. I’m not ok; I’m so mad! I’m always lashing out at him and I feel anger all the time. I feel like my marriage is over but I know I love him. I just don’t feel like I’m really what he wants. He says I am but I just don’t trust that. If I was what he wanted why would he do that to me?? I’m so lost and I’m hurt and mad and the list goes on and on. But he feels like he had a problem so all should be forgiven. What do I do? Please help me understand!!
I caught my husband of 9 years who had an affair with his co-worker who is 11 years older than us. He had an affair with her for more than three years. As I read their texts towards each other, it seems that they both enjoyed each other. Previous to our 9 years of marriage we’ve been together for 8 years. So to sum it up, we’ve been together for 17 years. I thought our marriage are at its best. Although, it is not perfect, I knew problems we encountered are minors.
I thought I married the perfect man. He has a perfect family. I was raised in a broken one. He studied in a Christian school. I studied in a public school with minimal supervision from relatives. He was a silent guy. Perfect I thought because he did not approach girls. But, all along he wears a dark mask. His infidelity hit me the worst. The pain he caused is unbearable. I’ve been nice to him. I did all I can to please him. But what he did is to betray me. I cannot trust him again. I dont have any respect for him. My love for him has faded.
He lies a lot and avoid confrontation. He told me that he forgot the details that I’m asking regarding their affair. What I want from confronting him is to know the truth. He said that he wants to put back our family together but I don’t see much effort from him. I’ve decided to leave him after I finish my nursing school. I don’t want to be with a person whom I can’t trust anymore, who reminds me how worthless I am. I would rather leave him and that’s it. I want to move forward with my 2 beautiful kids. Leaving him I think is the best option for me to get over on the pain he did. At least when we are not together, I won’t worry that he will have an affair again. I won’t worry on trust issues, freeing myself will ease me from worries on our relationship. It’s not good for my kids but that is where my prayers right now are, for God to protect my kids and help them adjust with minimal effect on their emotions. I want to stop and end everything we had. It’s hard I know but slowly I can be okay. It will take some time though.
At first he denied that he had an affair with her. He said that they are just close friends. Friends with benefits, that is what he said. That if the libido strikes, he will ask the girl to have sex (oral sex) after lunch. Or if the girl is not satisfied with her husband, the girl will ask for sex. According to him, he does not have any feelings for the girl (should I believe that)?
But as I read their texts he always asked if the girl is okay or why she’s not in the office. He was asking the girl about her problems and talked about it for almost an hour. They talked a lot on the phone. It seems that they are not in the office. Their cubicle in the office is 4 ft away. They seduced each other in texts. They texts more than 30x a day and talked like 10x a day. The shortest is 10 mins. When he goes home he acts like nothing happened. He said he never penetrated the girl although the girl is willing to do it. According to him the girl is always available and within reach. Should I believe him that with the expanse of their relationship they did not do that? Should I believe that he did not have feelings for the girl? How do cheaters motivate themselves to commit such acts?
(USA) I am in a quandary. My wife of 15 years (we’ve dated 5, as well), simply closed down one day. She is a career woman and has been having a stellar career. However, as she ‘ascended’ the corporate world, I became more banal and uninteresting to her. I have email after email of evidence of, at least, a radical and ostensible ’emotional affair’. She even flew to a foreign country to be with this man.
I knew about all of this and confronted my wife. She swears there is no impropriety, but shuns me any time we have time to be alone, controls the finances, and stays away on ‘business’ as often as possible. We have not had sex in years, and I recently found empty boxes of female condoms. I confronted her but, according to her and her therapist, I am not allowed to address any of these issues-I am only allowed to ‘show love and positivity’. So, basically, we have nothing to discuss…..I am simply to forgive her, and not criticize her behaviour.
I have been to counselor after counselor-I have read book after book, and though every article, book or counselor I’ve consulted considers her behaviour, at very least, a gross impropriety. There is nothing out there in Christian literature that details how the man should act once he has completely ‘submitted’ to his wife and allowed her to step all over him. All we are told, as men, is to ‘find the reasons for her infidelity and to ask for forgiveness for not being the man’. Huh? If the reverse is true, what is the wife’s responsibility? If she neglects the man and the children (which is the case to an extreme) does this always automatically mean that the man is wrong? And if he is not wrong, what can be done to turn around the relationship?
My wife says that it comes down to a financial issue. I have always made a very respectable amount of money, buy my wife now trumps my income by some 20 times that amount. Yet, she claims that she “will not change our lifestyle in order to live within the means” of the amount of money that I earn. She will only submit to my leadership if I earn what she earns and take over all the pre-exisiting financial obligations.
I see this as ‘throwing down the gauntlet’, but all my counselors and Christian teachers say I must. When I ask how that is possible (since it will mean earning over 1-2 million dollars a year), they have no answer. God is able. Ok. He is. But I think her demands are unreasonable, though non-negotiable.
To say that, once she ‘closed the door’, it was painful, is an understatement. First it was denial of sex, then separating all income and expenses. Then it became public humiliation, discussion of all our private affairs with anyone who would listen, verbal put-downs, embarrassments, over-talking, interruptions, corrections, domination of any conversation, and finally, flying to various friends homes or creating events where I was not invited, and then ‘bashing me’, with my friends, my clients and any co-workers or professional colleagues and contacts. Now, when I walk into a room, there is always a weird ‘vibe’.
My wife says that I am paranoid, depressed and should be on medication. Funny thing is, that’s what she is. And she is taking medication and drinking quite heavily. Yet, she never misses an opportunity to make me look bad by ‘gaslighting’ and her ‘revisionist history’ of recalling and reciting events that did not happen, or denying events that did. I even went to the trouble of providing emails, as proof, and our therapists scolded me for going into her ‘private accounts’, never addressing the obvious issue on the table. Everything that I did that the therapists did not agree with completely erased any need for them to address her issues. I have sinced stopped going to therapy, but continue in pastoral counseling and men’s groups. I had been in therapy for 10 of the 20 years we have been together, and all of my personal therapists have congradulated me on my handling of many issues, stating that I had, in fact, no issues except this messed up woman in my life!
I believe that the group therapists simply did not know how to handle a situation where a ‘Mr. Mom’ was involved. They kept trying to put a ‘square peg in a round hole’. They would start with ‘the man must be the head-the leader of the family. I would ask them ‘how is that possible when the woman does not want to be lead and wants to be the head themselves’? They would answer ‘you must find a way-you are sinning by not taking control’. Yet, my wife resents my ‘control’-any control. That means that we argue over EVERYTHING! Then she tells her therapist that I am ‘abusive and controlling’ when I have said and done nothing. It’s all in her head.
This is a new world for the feminists. They’ve won! And what has civilization gained from this? Selfishness and unwillingness to submit or compromise, on the part of a woman? And how is that working for us (or for me?). I detest my wife’s behaviour, but I can not do anything about that and have long since stopped trying to. And them I am condemed and criticized for not being ‘a true man’! I give up.
I don’t think my wife could have done a more thorough job of destroying me than if she had shot me with a gun! In fact, some times I wish she would have. It would be a lot easier for our kid(s), and for everyone around us. I have been castrated long ago, according to her demands, and now she is still not happy and wants to separate.
Advice to men… DON’T marry a career woman! Don’t give up your power as a man! Yes, it’s clear that ‘all men are dogs’, but if women know that, why bother to get involved with ‘a dog’? Why not simply choose to have an artificially inseminated child with a gay friend who can flatter you, shop with you and be the ‘domestic partner’? Isn’t that really what women want? They don’t just want to dominate the man-they want to BE the man!
I’m sorry. I hurt so bad from my experience with women, and I truly have been the ‘nice guy’! Though I’ve never been abusive, I certainly understand it!
(MALAYSIA) Boyce, spot on! No worries, these women will end up alone at the end of their lives. There is no mirror in the world that you can hold up to show them their vanity and selfishness. But remember this: “Do not take revenge my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath for it is written, it is mine to avenge, I will repay”, says the Lord. Romans 12:19
(UK) Like others before me I find it offensive that this article seems to expect that it is the man that has betrayed. I was a good partner, father, husband for 17 years when my wife had an affair with my friend and the cold calculating way in which they both blamed their spouses for their wrong was utterly disgusting.
Yes… there was a man involved in my case (I use the term ‘man’ loosely) but there was also a woman who was the betrayer in as much of the sense that he was. Please don’t assume that we men just shrug these things off or have a different way of dealing with things. Hurt & betrayal are human emotions and apply to all of us.
(USA) 2 weeks ago my husabnd blurted out in a argument that someone he slept with 20 yrs ago told him he has a son and he has known about this for about 10 yrs. We have been married 22 yrs. I had absolutely no idea of any of this. We have a 17 yr old and 15 yr old. They dont know anything. Yet he tells me to get over it and whatever; it was a long time ago. I suffer in silence.
Every time I bring it up he tells me I’m crazy. I have been the breadwinner and a loving faithful wife. I’m so devastated and extremely sad and angry. I suffer in silence to not hurt our kids. It’s killing me how to handle this since he doesn’t acknowledge any wrong doing. I feel so betrayed and can hardly stand to look at him. I don’t want my kids to know so I have to put on a happy face. I’m so hurt I feel like our whole life together has been a joke. I’m so sad.
Shirley, I am so sorry you are going through this. Even though his infidelity happened a number of years ago, it was deeply buried and it is new to you. You have feelings that need to be processed through and dealt with. Whether any of this happened 2 years ago, 20 years ago, or 40 years ago, there was cheating going on, which resulted in a person being born who will be a part of your lives together for as long as you are together.
He has had 20 years to work through his feelings, concerning this woman, and 10 years to work out his feelings concerning his son. He needs to give you such grace. After-all, he is the one who cheated, not you. Your feelings are more tender, because of the lies and deceit involved 20 years ago and 10 years ago.
With that said, I believe that because of the timeframe all of this was committed in, and the complexity of it all –especially with a husband who is not willing to work WITH you (at least not now) in helping to heal the wounds he stabbed you with, I encourage you to find a “marriage-friendly” counselor (you can read what that is in the “Marriage Counseling” topic of this web site –because it’s important to get the right one). If you don’t know of one, then in that topic and in the others, which deal with infidelity and surviving affairs, you could find one.
What you are dealing with Shirley, is a type of cancer –a silent one, which will continue to eat away at your relationship and your marriage. Even if you stay together, you won’t be together in ways, which will help you and your family build a healthy life together. You need to get this silent killer out in the open, exposed to the Light, and properly dealt with. A marriage-friendly counselor or mentor, can help you with this journey. I hope you will seek one and eventually experience a sense of peace. Also, please know that we have a host of articles on this web site, which may help you to process through some of this, as you pray, read, and glean through the info you can use to process your feelings over this whole matter.
In this journey, I pray the Lord helps you, and guides you, and comforts you, and speaks to you. I also pray He infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
(USA) My husband of almost 13 years recently tried to start an online/hookup type affair. When this was discovered he naturally lied, then only came clean half way. There are just a very few answers that I need in order to be able to move past the lies but he still lies and gives me no truth.
I love him very much but now I feel as though this love is not worth it. I feel as if he thinks he is protecting me or himself from the full truth but instead he is only killing us. I try every day to be a good wife and to love him but it is becoming harder and harder. After reading this article a lot of points were hit on how the grieving proccess works. I really wish he would read this and understand that him not giving me answers are not protecting anyone but only destroying what love is left.
(UK) Today I am having a bad day! My husband, who had an affair, took me out for a lovely evening last night. He has moved on and is trying very hard to make us work!
It is a bad day for me because I am still trying to figure out where I go from it all. You would think that I would want to work with his effort but I am still stuck and still far from recovered, as he. I still feel like I did months ago –that I am in a false place, a false marriage, and one that has failed because of one’s infidelity. I have been worrying most of the morning with my daily question, “How do I really know he is not messing with her or anyone else and that an affair is not still happening?” I am such an idiot to still be here and allow this pain to stay. I just want to cry; my heart is so broken.
I feel so sad and angry that my husband allowed this to happen. I’m feeling so down and depressed by it all I can’t even find the effort to get dressed this morning. I have been subjected to this. I so need to get myself out of this dark hole. And yet I feel guilty. It was a lovely evening and he’d arranged it all. I must seem so ungrateful right now, yet if he’d have done this before the affair I would have been dancing on cloud nine with love bursting out of me and be all gooey eyed and still so in love with my darling husband.
Today I think that was really nice of him, yet I am questioning if he loves me!!! And how do I know if he’s stopped cheating? The honest answer is, I never, ever will, so I feel I will be laughed at for the rest of my days. They must be thinking it’s so funny to hurt someone, right???
I’m feeling so pathetic today, lonely and just so sad –how everything is spoiled. But I have to pick myself up and put on my happy face for my children. I had to go to church the other day and felt like such a fraud having to put on my ring of lies (wedding band) when I know the true reason why I never wear it. It doesn’t represent a happy and solid marriage anymore.
For me, it reminds me of what we did have and how it is not sacred anymore. I just want to take a hammer to it now. He didn’t give second thought when he lied to me to go and meet up with colleague in a pub whilst I was at home looking after our children. It is so over. I cannot ever forget finding out about the whole horrible affair, just writing about it makes me want to cry and cry. How do I pick up the shattered pieces and carry on?
Tracy, This is my 3rd attempt to respond to what you wrote a few days ago. Until now, I just didn’t feel released to write you, so I deleted each time. But please know that you’ve been in my heart and on my mind, praying for you. I don’t know what today is like for you, but I hope it is better. It’s not unusual to experience many ups and downs (mostly downs) after finding out that your spouse has betrayed you, and it certainly isn’t pathetic. That’s a lie from the pit of hell.
Please keep crying out to God and praying through scriptures, emptying yourself of the toxic thoughts and tears that will fall. You have a lot within that will need to come out. God is one you can fall into. He understands what it is like to be betrayed.
As for your wedding ring, why do you feel you have to wear it, if it brings you more pain? You don’t owe anyone an explanation if they ask. If they do ask, then tell them that you can’t say, but thanks for asking. And then go on… change the subject. It may be out of curiosity or that someone is reaching out to you because they care (because most people won’t notice, or they won’t say anything because they feel awkward)… so figure out for yourself ahead of time a polite, unrevealing answer and then stick by it. And then move onto a different subject. If your ring brings pain, then put it away from you.
My mom took off her wedding ring after my dad cheated on her and never wore it again. When she and my dad eventually reconciled and he proved he was faithful (which took a lot of time), he eventually got her another wedding ring, which she wore to her dying day. This is something between you and your husband. If you never wear a ring again, that is ok. Please feel empowered to do so. Or, if like some women, you feel ok to wear it, then do. This is something you CAN control. You have a right to do at least that much!
And lastly, Tracy, you need to decide how much of your imaginations you should give life to and entertain, to be able to come to the healthiest place with this situation. You did not cheat, your husband did. Your timing of “moving on” is obviously different than his. And that’s MORE than understandable. But you have to know yourself and what will help and what will hurt you more. Navigate that process as best as you can.
I’m not sure how to explain this, but I’ll try. I have an over-active imagination. I’ve learned that about myself. With things that have horribly hurt me in my past, I’ve learned when it’s important to work through a particular part of the issue I have before me, by going down a thought trail (crying and praying along the way) …and when my imagination will take me places it’s not good to go. Some thoughts are garbage and need to be thrown out. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5-6, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. We take captive every thought…” Sometimes it’s important to “take captive” certain thoughts and throw them away. Other thoughts are important to process through. Wisdom will tell you when to go and when to stop.
I’ve learned that sometimes my imagination can add things that are false into my thought process. I judge his or her motives, possible conversations that I imagine could have taken place, and all kinds of stuff, which in reality is more of what I project into the whole matter because of my insecurities, than is really true. God has shown me that I do this sometimes. And when I’m doing that, I need to stop. But other times, it’s ok to proceed because I’m going down the right trail in my thoughts — a healing one –one in which I’m not adding false information onto it. God and I go down that trail together.
It’s important to ask God what’s healthy. When you start going down a thought trail, catch yourself… if you feel like God is saying, “Don’t go there,” then stop. If you proceed… you will be in a bad way in the end of it because you’re going it alone. If there is no “stop” as you go along, then even if it is a very tearful and difficult thought event, there will be a type of healing at the end of it. God is our Redeemer… He only takes us places where there is redemption waiting for us.
I don’t know if this will help you (to figure out what I’m trying to say and then apply what God tells you). I hope so. Everyone’s journey to healing is different. But if you sense a “stop” when you are going along in your thoughts, please do so. Please “demolish arguments and every pretension” — that which “sets itself against” Truth and the “knowledge of God.” “Take captive every thought” that tries to take you somewhere that is destructive –rather than constructive in your healing. I join God (and many others) in wanting you to get to a better place someday — a place where smiles come easier and hope is not something you imagine, but can grab onto. We care very much and are praying for you.
(UK) Cindy Thank you for your positive words. In answer to you, the reason why I feel the need to wear my wedding ring is because when I married my husband I thought I was entering a marriage for life, a circle of loving trust between us. This is what my wedding ring was to me, a symbol. And it is a pretty ring that my then fiance and I went and chose together before we married. I thought he would be the most loveliest husband and we would stay together forever and that he would never ever cheat (how stupid was I for thinking that!).
I used to feel so happy and loved and I felt pride wearing it on my finger, knowing that anyone who asked about it I could smile and tell them I am happily married and know that the man who put it there loves me and IS faithful to me forsaking all others! It’s also as a deterent to other males, that I was spoken for.
When I found out about the affair and found my marriage, which I had thought was sacred between just us (my husband and I), how can I wear it and feel any pride? or love? I am not hung up about the ring any more. It sits in safekeeping but I have no desire to wear it with any pride as I had before his affair and feel proud of my marriage; it has been betrayed and invaded. And while he continues to deny things like that will ever happen again, they are just words nothing more. I was NOT the one who cheated and I am NOT the one who broke the vow. But I AM a loving mum and a good person. If I take anything from this marriage it is that. From now on I take the rest of my journey in life one day at a time.
Your encouraging words have helped and I have found that I am a strong person. Although broken and sad, I still have found the strength to pick myself up and stand up again. I still can’t hold my head high yet, but I am upright, and being propped up. I still haven’t been able to find my faith since, but like I said, I am taking one day at a time.
(SOUTH AFRICA) 6 years ago, we got married. Life was grand and I truly believed we only had the best to look forward to. Little did I know that, from day one, he intended on lying to me. The first major issue was when he created a mock up text, supposedly from his ex, stating that his 2 year old daughter was not his child. I wept for him, with him and was genuinely infuriated by the ex’s nonchalant approach!
About a year later, we were in bed chatting when he received a picture text of the little girl. At first I thought it was a cruel joke but by then I had delivered a healthy little boy and wow (!)…there was no argument that these 2 kids shared the same father! I was confused, hurt and eager to know the truth so I phoned his mother -we didn’t have a fabulous mother/daughter-in-law relationship so it was strange to have to ask her to verify. I was incredibly livid when she confirmed that the child was indeed his. When I confronted him with this revelation, he told me to ‘get over it’ and ‘deal with it’. Um… how?!?!
Anyway, I just put the matter aside and forged along regardless -what could I do anyway?! We moved closer to my folks and got on with life until he came into “business” contact with another ex. I knew of her and that she had once claimed he had fathered her son but my husband promised me that she was lying and that she had never (in 15 years) produced paternity results as proof. 3 years down the line and suddenly, my husband decided he needed a new job. He came home and informed me that an elderly couple had employed him. It wasn’t long before he started coming home with new shoes, a fancy phone and laptop, colognes and other gadgets. I grew a tad suspicious but tried so hard to be happy for him. Not long after that, he actually had the audacity to ask me to set up some programs on his laptop and that is when I noticed that all the business files were labelled with the ex girlfriend’s name! I was seething with rage but managed to casually ask him if he was working for her. My happiness died when he replied that he indeed had secured a job in her little run-from-home business.
Then he started coming home with bags of groceries, cooked meals stored in containers, new pants (!!!), he changed his hair-style and the straw that broke the camel’s back was when he sent me a message to say he would be back soon. It seems that ‘she’ had bought 2 quad bikes from an old friend who stayed a few hour”s away. In order to obtain the quads, she had asked my husband to go fetch them. He didn’t even bother to tell me he was going until he was almost 4 hours away!!! I had been sitting at home waiting for him to bring dinner back!
For a while, I had been asking to go buy some new clothes for our kids. Instead of allowing me the opportunity, he allowed ‘her’ to take my 4 year old son out of school so SHE could get him what he needed! She also entered into the quad bike deal -sharing them with my husband and to make matters completely worse… she bought him a fabulous car! He would send me text messages to say he was too busy working but I soon found out that the two of them were spending lovely long days quad biking! I was so hurt and angry that I very nearly tried to just end it all for me. The only thing that stopped me was the thought that ‘she’ would be getting what she wants and possibly my kids too.
Consumed with anger and totally trust-less, I left. I moved in with my folks and was shocked that, no less than a month later, he had moved in to the apartment directly above my parent’s place! To say the least, the pressure was on!!! He sold the car, left the “job” (ha ha) and charmed his way back into our lives. A year down the line neither of them has bothered to produce proof of her claim that he is her son’s father -the agreement between hubby and I was that I would stay if the child wasn’t his. Hey hey… what do you know? I’m still waiting for the test results and whenever she is asked to produce them, she has the utmost audacity to send my husband texts that insist he deal with me!!!
I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this situation. I know they share a carnal-type history and so the mental images are truly agonizing. Truth be told, I don’t think I will ever trust him again and as for her… this world isn’t big enough for the two of us! I’m emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically destroyed. I’m 29 years old, my hair is falling out due to stress, I break out in hives every time it gets too much and eating has just become a means to survive another day. I don’t enjoy the sensation of touch, smell or taste anymore either. Quite frankly, the less he touches me, the better. I started going back to church and although I know it’s wrong to dream about divorce, I just can’t seem to keep my mind off the subject! What do I do? How do I deal with him? When do I draw the line?!?
(GHANA) A month ago, I discovered that my husband of 15 yrs was having an affair with my house maid of 7 yrs. Our 10 yr old son saw them kissing and reported the story to me. I am so devastated and feel hopeless. Some days I find the energy to pray; some days I just cry.
(UNITED STATES) My husband of 14 years recently drove 4 hours to see a girlfriend from 15 years back. We were going through a rough patch and not communicating well but over the years we have experienced this before and got past it. This time I saw a facebook message that simply read …How are you doing? He showed it to me and I thought he had deleted it as he had done every couple of years since she tries this every 3 or 4 yrs.
After a week or so he came up with the excuse of not being home til late and I just felt it in my gut. I went home and looked at the cell phone records and sure enough he had been speaking to someone quite often for about a week. I called the number and she answered and said yeah, your husband is right here! I actually felt my heart break in my chest. He called about 30 minutes after and I asked what he was doing and he said sitting here thinking my 14 yrs marriage is over.
I could tell he was drinking his words were slurring. I told him not to waste too much energy on thinking and hung up. The next day he came home and confronted me. He said he was so sorry he had intended on meeting half way for dinner and then she somehow got him to drive the rest of the way. Then he said nothing physical happened but after much coaxing I got the truth about a week later. He told me they did have sex. He said he got more drunk that ever and it happened. He said it was because he was so distraught over me!!!
My husband doesn’t drink and was sweating profusely while he was talking to me the day after. It’s not that I believe his excuses. I have trouble believing anything from him now but God, do I want to! I know my husband has not spoken to her since he came home and I know he loves me. But… how do I make the pain stop? I feel like a crazy person… even to the point of making another profile on facebook to see if he would do it again. I am losing my mind. The pain is unlike anything I have ever felt. How do you make a marriage work when your scared to death that you could be crushed again? Is it possible for him to love me and hurt me this badly intentionally? Any advice???
(INDIA) Recently I came to know about my husband’s affair with a girl who happened to be with him in 2004 where they took tutions together. Well they both met again in 2009 or 2010. Only God knows. I have been into a relationship for about 8 yrs and we got married in Nov 2011. Just after a few months of our marriage I came to know about this girl (this girl got married before us).
I just got a look of his skype files (old files …like Dec 2010 Jan 2011). I was stunned and anguished and lost. I just slammed out of anger at him. He said she is just his friend and he is sorry that once things went far. But as far as I am thinking he realised that he was wrong. But even after that he maintained contact with that girl. That’s it! After that he had no answers. He never spoke truth and I figured it out as best as I possibly could.
But he has always loved me and cared for me to the core so that I could never believe that something like this could happen to me. Its been two months. I am trying to overcome it but I am unable to do it. Earlier he used to listen to me. But now he is becoming angry. He even tried to strangulate me and forced me to stay out of house.
I am in a dilemma as to what to do. After fights he is crying and confessing his love for me. I am all confused, as I loved him so much. I had waited for him just to get married and settle down and have a happy married life. It has now turned this way. He took me for granted… I tried talking to that girl but she was even a worst liar than him.
Is this love that he married me? Was it love when he was talking to that girl? I am really confused. What is love? I have lost the biggest assets of my life. Now this was the last. I don’t know now whether I am compromising with my life or actually willing to live with him! I love him very much and want to spend my life with him but don’t know how!