Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(PHILIPPINES) I learned last June 2011 that my husband has been cheating on me. I was so sick to my stomach, very mad at both of them. But I decided not to leave this marriage; divorce is not applicable here in the Philippines. I am not that easy to get rid off. And even if there would be an annulment here I will not give them happiness to marry each other. She will then carry the shame of being a mistress forever. That lady, who has a son from another man, wants to steal the father of my children and make my husband to be a father to hers.
They have had contact up to now. But I will not allow us to have a broken family. Now we’re getting along better and hopefully I can cope with his infidelity. I just accept the fact that he was like that even before we got married, a cheater, but still I married him.
Because I love him I will stand and fight for all of my rights. I just pray that he will change. To all women out there that have been cheatd on, if there’s no hope, there’s still a miracle.
P.S I did not let him call me names, and hurt me physically. I told him that you are not being a good person when you are with her and I will sue you if you abuse me physically. I will humiliate both of you to the public, because reputation here in the Phillipines is very important. He is threatened. I said, what you give to me is what you get. You want a peaceful life? Treat people as people, not like dogs after you’re done.
(PHILIPPINES) If there’s no hope, there’s still a miracle. Give your husband what they deserve. I’m coping but still in pain about my husband’s cheating. I married him so I’ll accept his flaws, but he is a good father. I do not let him abuse me or call me names. I am not born to be abused or called names.
(INDIA) Do you think husband should be given our love after betrayal? I am so confused after betrayal. I love him and so should I give him love? What I see is we worry more than them, though it’s they who should feel guilty and worry. Why? We girls are by being emotional!
(USA) My exhusband had an extramarital affair for more than a year. They both play me with money, my accounts etc. I divorced him. The affair destroyed our 25 yr marriage. He closed our bank accounts and left me and my girls with nothing. The divorced destroyed me and affected many people. They are married now.
Its been 4 years now and I still resent that they could be happy. I wish she would leave him. I’ve tried praying, forgiving everything. But a piece of my heart wants them divorced. I feel that because it was so wrong what they/he did to me that their marriage/happiness shouldn’t work. Why has God let adultery prevail? Why are they still together? How is that possible? I want peace in my heart and wish them well.
Please help me to understand my feelings. I am happy. I have a boyfriend now and he is a good man. Thank you.
(USA) My exhusband had an extramarital affair for more than a year. They both play me with money, my accounts etc. I divorced him. The affair destroyed our 25 yr marriage. He closed our bank accounts and left me and my girls with nothing. The divorced destroyed me and affected many people. They are married now.
Its been 4 years now and I still resent that they could be happy. I wish she would leave him. I’ve tried praying, forgiving everything. But a piece of my heart wants them divorced. I feel that because it was so wrong what they/he did to me that it their marriage /happiness shouldn’t work. Why has God let adultery prevail? Why are they still together? How is that possible? I want peace in my heart and wish them well. Please help me understand my feelings. I have a boyfriend now and he is a good man. Thank you
(USA) I’ve been married to my husband for almost 12 years. He has long term disabilites. From the age of 15 I’ve had 4 children with him. He cheated on me about a year ago- then lied about it three times. It was a friend from high school, who went through a lot of emotional and physical abuse with him. I felt horrible after hearing their story and forgave the adultery immediately.
Since then I’ve had a hard time coping with the whole ordeal. I just recently found out about the lies he has told me. He at first wanted a threesome- I’m married to him so I would never do that. Then he changed his story to being drunk and feeling each other up. Like I have enough to imagine after that? Now he says he lied and it was just a kiss.
I gave this man my virginity and 4 kids after. And I have been taking care of him when his disability becomes an issue. Now he has a new female best friend who listens to all of his feelings- he’s replaced me.
(USA) Six months after learning about my husband’s affair, I stumbled across this article. I am just now beginning to understand how ANGRY I am. I thought counseling, praying, and pretending to forgive would work but it has not. I honestly do not know what to do now.
I would’ve never guessed my husband was capable of doing something like this. In an attempt to cut to the chase, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan and began a “friendship” with a female soldier in his unit. Upon his arrival home, he questioned our marriage (apparently his guilt convinced him WE were unhappy although I had no clue) and he left to cement his relationship with her.
My two children and I were devastated and could not understand why “daddy needed space”. Despite many conversations and pleas for him to come clean… I (and our pastor) asked specifically if he was having an affair or was attracted to anyone else… he would not confess. A friend convinced me to have him followed and sure enough, a private investigator had proof the next day. When confronted with the evidence, he admitted his guilt and begged to come home.
Being a Christian, I allowed him to come home and I’ve tried to move on but I can’t. I continue to track the girl (I refuse to call her a woman as she is half his age) and I am consumed by the betrayal. I know that God forgives me of my sins daily and as a believer, I expect more of myself. The truth? I don’t know who I am anymore and I am UNHAPPY. I want to love him and truly forgive… for me and MY CHILDREN but I am beginning to doubt that I can. ADVICE? HELP ME, PLEASE!
(UNITED STATES) Excellent advice! I needed this information to help the couple I am counseling. Anger is one the symptoms the wounded spouse is experiencing. Your information is right on target. My only question is whether the anger is the same for a male wounded spouse and would the advice work the same.
(INDIA) Hello… well, I am going through emotional torture. I don’t know what to do and what not to do. I can’t discuss your betrayal stories with anybody …it feels horrible!!! So please post your comments and advice. I would be very grateful!
I am 2 months into marriage and I just realised my husband was not a virgin. He had it with a girl in his college days. Well, I had an arranged marriage and in India things are different. You need to satisfy your parents and you, etc etc. When I met this guy I felt very happy coz he was very honest, frank etc. He did tell me he had a relationship with a girl for 4 years when he first met me. I was so happy that he was so honest in telling it in the very first meeting. If there was anything physical I thought he would have told me and plus I did ask if there was anything more to his relationship, that he could tell me. He said nothing and didn’t want to think about the past. I assumed it was a relationship which didn’t have sex.
I had four months after I got engaged to marriage. Not once did he mention anything about it. I am a very beautiful girl who cheated myself by not falling in love with anybody for 25 years, coz tomorrow the guy I’ll end up with I shud be loyal to. For 25 years I stuggled not to fall in love with anyone though I liked so many people and said no to so many guys. One thing I wanted is to be true to my conscience and to my to be husband. As a young beautiful girl I didn’t enjoy love, romance, etc. I used to see others and envy. Before marriage I used to have sleepless nights thinking what if I end up with a guy who is not a virgin after being so true to myself? And so likely, it has happened today.
I did tell him what kind of girl I was, not having dated anybody, just to be loyal to my husband. Also I hate the fact that girls sleep around and guys sleep around, though they aren’t serious. Stories like this used to pop up with us in those four months before marriage. Not once did he tell he had done it. Now the truth is I am completely in love with my husband and he is too. He sobs and says that it was a misunderstanding that happened and not a mistake as such.
But for me it is a bid mistake. I betrayed myself for first 25 years of my life just to end up with a non-virgin guy. My inner self is posing me questions which I don’t have an answer for. I am having sleepless nights for his mistake now and he doesn’t regret as much as he should. He feels it’s a misunderstanding and he’ll love and be true to me for the rest of my life.
Tell me should I again live a life of compromise? Part of me wants him badly and part of me only thinks about him sleeping with another girl. It’s getting scary and I am going mad. I have just moved to the USA and am new to the place and the people. I stay alone at home the whole day. I am going mad. I love him crazily!!! What should I do? Every second my mind is filled with him in bed with another girl. How can i come out of this? Please help me …please!!!
(AUSTRALIA) Forgive him. You love him. You are married to him. He is only in bed with you now. I think it may be his dishonesty as much as anything that bothers you. Express to him how much his honesty means to you. Don’t let the fact that he was not a virgin when you married him ruin your life and marriage. Plenty of wonderful men and women have had sex with someone else and have gone on to have great marriages and be great spouses. Be thankful that you feel only tied to your husband in that way, you have given yourself a gift, though it may seem like you sacrificed a lot. Also you say your are at home all day? Maybe you have a void that could be filled with doing something you love, and that may distract you from the visual pictures that your mind continues to replay? Hope it works out.
(INDIA) Thank you so much Jennifer, for those wonderful lines of words. Really helped me a lot:) …God bless you. Take care and I shall take your words as I felt the same too!
(USA) I don’t know where else to turn for advice. I met my boyfriend shortly after getting out of a less than perfect relationship. He helped me through the break-up as a friend and was always a kind and supportive man. He was a foriegn exchange student at the time and had to return to Guatemala. We continued our relationship, online and when we could in person, and we fell madly in love. He had plans of coming to the US for grad school and we spoke of marriage. After almost 2 years I moved to Guatemala for half a year.
Shortly into my time here, I found out that he never stopped his problem with prostitutes. He swears he is sorry, wants to continue, and simply never thought I would find out with the distance. I want to run away sometimes but I stayed in the country and we have made progress. I feel like I need to make him suffer, so he can understand the pain this has caused me so he will not do it again. I feel like I am not allowed to forgive him, our relationship is destroyed and and I am so completely betrayed. I have developed a drinking problem and have become incredibly depressed. I barely eat; it has been 4 months. If I forgive him I am just allowing him to hurt me again. I am paralyzed with fear. He wants to go to therapy ect. What can I do? Is it ok/possible to forgive? Better I found out now, has he learned his lesson? Thank you for listening, I appreciate the advice greatly.
(A) Give it time girl… You can forgive only if you feel he wouldn’t repeat again… and he knows what he has caused to you. If not, it doesn’t make sense. Also, if you forgive, can you still love him and live like before? Think about it. If not, you can take your call.
Ultimately, live the way you want to! But he has definitely cheated you big time! If you ask me, forgive and give little time to it. If it can’t get normal then take your final call.
(USA) Thank God for this website. I have read all the comments and mostly I have similar situations….now I’m dealing with the pain, anger and betrayal. I married him and filed for his green card and now I’m wondering if I can still revoke it. Does anyone know how or info? How can I get a GPS in his truck and a phone spyware….help a sister out !Need to know the truth but at the same time I need all your prayers of what is God’s will, because right now I’m not thinking right……..HELP!
(USA) My husband of 20 years lost his job and his life seemed to be a mess. When I was younger, like 15 years ago, I made a few mistakes. I did not have sex with anyone but I flirted, which was wrong. Now 14 years later to get even with me my husband picked up someone that asked for a ride then offered herself to him or to give him a blow job. He did not say yes and he did not say no. Then the cops surrounded the car and arrested both of them. He said had the cops not come, it would have happened and he did this all to hurt me.
For the last year he has blamed me for everything that has happened in our married life. He has called me all kinds of names, left and all kinds of stuff, but at the end of the day I forgive him and the $1000 I have to now pay an attorney. But I still find myself being so mad about it. I want to hurt her and him for this. It was a day before our anniversary and he cried and told me he would not ever do it again. Right now I forgive him but I am having a hard time with my pain and the things that he has said to me. Anyone offer any advice, like honest advice? Jewel
(USA) I just found out that my husband of 32 yrs has been having an affair with my daughter who he adopted when she was 20. I feel like I’ve lost my whole family. He will only admit to what he knows he is already caught at. I feel dead inside.
(USA) I have been married for 4 years, and in this marriage I have two children; my wife had a daughter from a previous marriage and I have found emails, several times with her expressing how she wanted to be with or how much she has thought about him everyday since they have met. She has been abused mentally, physically and sexually by this man and still tried to hold on to his every breath.
This has made me lash out at times and say anything that has come to my mind to hurt her. I know that this is wrong but I wish so bad that she could feel the misery that I have felt all this time. I am separated now and have just recently discovered yet another email in which she tells him that she loves him and wants to show him but doesn’t want to rush things with them again. I am enraged all over again and she tries to say that it was two months ago and she was in a different place.
I feel that I have lived a complete lie the last 4 years; she shows no remorse and doesn’t care at all she has even brought this person around my children. I have so much bottled up inside and she doesn’t have a clue, I feel resentment, anger, pure rage, I even feel like I hate her. I never did any act like this to her or gave her any reason to think that I have wanted to be with another but she has given me many.
I am overwhelmed with anger and wish to see her suffer for what she has caused. I feel like I can’t say enough in a lifetime to make her feel what I have felt and feel right now and I don’t even respect her as a person or the mother of my children for what she has done. Because of her I can never be the father to my kids that I dreamed of being as a young man. I am forced to be there when I can see them instead of seeing them everyday as a father should. I feel they shouldn’t have to pay for the selfish acts of their mother to lose their father in their everyday life. It is hard to get over this; I feel I am a long way from being healed.
(UK) Hi everyone. How did you all find out? I’m going through a divorce as my hubby was abusive etc… more mentally. Now I’ve still got my suspicions about him seeing other girls including a neighbor. He told me I was mad, mental and it was all in my head. I’m sure I saw him in a car with another girl, but he still denies it. I’m hoping God will reveal the truth. Surely God would not hide secrets like that from me.
I’m worried because I messed up. I don’t know why, but when I was pregnant me and my husband were seperated and still are… I watched some porn (sorry I wouldn’t normally admit something like that) but I need you to see where I’m coming from. I think it was the pregnancy that made my emotions go wild (I’m not justifing it at all. In fact I’m normally full of integrity). But now I’m worried because I did that, maybe God won’t reveal if my husband cheated? Do you know what I mean? But if my husband was to ask me I’d tell the truth, and I feel ashamed I did it.
If he has cheated he denied it. He was very deceitful in the marriage and I’m sure he was on drugs too…my parents agree about the drugs. I need to know for my own sanity, because if it was all in my head about him cheating then I need to be healed …but if it wasn’t, then I know to trust myself. Please help.
(USA) My husband was emailing his friend’s mom off and on for a few years. When I found out I was crushed. I feel like he never really loved me. Now he is extremely remorsful and affectionate and tells me he loves me many times a day but I can’t get the emails out of my head and the feeling that he never loved me until he thought he was about to lose me. Please help!