Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
My wife betrayed me. I do not understand, and I do not know what to do now.
My hubby betrayed me too. I pretend we are fine but the pain is just unbearable. I think about suicide and my kids just give me strength. Often I cry myself to sleep. It’s just hell.
Hi Gugue, I know exactly how you feel as I feel exactly the same. I have a son that keeps me alive but it’s not a life that I am living …it’s a hell! My husband cheated on me, made another woman pregnant, lied to me. When I told him about everything he insulted me and told me that it’s all my fault, that I am delusional. On top of everything he USED me to get his residency in the UK. He is from Ghana. I am an emotional wrecked and I wish I was no more in this world.
I’ve been dating this guy for some years now, but later decide to quit because it’s a long distance relationship. We do have arguments cus my mind is not there. We stopped any sexual issue for years now. I always starved him from sex when we see and when he asked for. Now I have finally decided to start over with him, because I feel and see that I still have strong feelings for him.
He isn’t responding well. I guess he’s fed up with me. But I want us to get back again and even if we didn’t, I want him to fogive me off all my offences in case of tomorrow. How can I go about this? I still love him and want him back.
I wish I could talk to someone. I’ve been married 30 years. His happiness was mine. I loved for him to be free and never nagged or ‘owned’ him. We were best friends (although he was selfish in bed). Then he left me. He says I’m ‘wonderful’ and he wants to find a woman ‘just like me but younger’. I am 50.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this. The pain is devastating. Then last week he phoned to say he was coming back. He felt too guilty and he realised he owed me better than this. He sat in our house talking about how broken hearted his new woman was; how she fell in love with him the day she met him. Then he sat looking misplaced and distant and checking his phone. I said ‘don’t come back because you feel guilty. You only have one life. If you don’t want me go and find what you do want’. We cried. Hugged. He said my hair looked nice (whoa that’s OK then!) He left. They’re going on holiday. He e-mailed to say ‘nice to see you. Thanks for your kindness.’
30 years of good marriage ends in that pathetic line. I am bereft. Our children are fine about it. I’m lost; just hit with a wall of emotion. It’s too much.
I can’t seem to be moving forward. Wish I could wake up and find out its a dream… **** hurt.
I recently reconnected with “Tim”, an old high school sweetheart. It’s been 20 years since we have seen each other, but there was a bright flicker when I bumped into him. Upon discovery of his unhappy marriage and ending there of, we began messaging each other, which became almost daily and frequent. I was unhappy in my relationship and honestly wanted to reach out to support him.
It seemed harmless at first, but the old feelings hadn’t died. My husband recently discovered the abundant messaging on our account and confronted me about it. He insists we are more than friends. He feels betrayed. I have feelings for Tim, I cannot deny. He seems so natural. The feeling is mutual. Because my husband is such a concrete thinker, I do not feel as though he will ever overcome the hurt. I am now wondering where and who I want to be with to lead a healthy, happy and fulfilling life.
Hi, I am 44 years, married for 20 years with 3 sons aging 19,17 and 9. I found out my husband had an affair with a married woman (work mate) 17 years ago. We had big argument and I attempted suicide. He promised he will never do that again and asked for a chance. I trusted him and carried on life with him.
I thought he had changed but four years ago I found out he was still having an affair with the same lady. This time I told him I will file for divorce and I consumed sleeping tablets. He asked for a final chance and would never repeat. He promised.
For my children’s sake I ageed and hoped he would keep his word. However, in January this year I found out he is still attached with her. I applied divorce and confronted him. He cried and said he will put a stop to the relationship, asking for a last chance. He just wants to change as I filed divorce and not for his own self awareness.
His feeling towards that lady (someone’s wife) is so strong my sacrifices and our marriage never carry weightage for him. I am yet to go for the 1st session of counseling. It’s in May. I am considering my children. I cannot force him to love me and there is no love for him anymore. He has continuously hurt me and breaks his promises.
All of sudden he wants to change as he is worried the public will come to know his act and he has no family. For years he has left me alone. He has spent all his love talks with her. He hardly calls during working hours but the moment he steps out of house he calls her and before he reaches home. In between they share their love affection via whatsapp.
Throughout these 20 years of marriage, not even once has he sent I love you, or dear, or darling messages to me but he sends that daily to someone else’s wife. What he needed is a machine to run his family and take care his kids. Only both of them have feelings. For him I appear to be wood, without feelings.
I’ve been with my wife 24 years and have been a good husband. I set her up financially and did everything for her from bringing her breakfast in bed to flowers, nice gifts and cards. She returned the favor by getting into a romance scam and chatting with men on chat rooms to having strange men call the house while I was at church.
Now I’m losing my home and everything I have worked hard for. I hope and pray this will come back to haunt her! She has broken me emotionally and financially. She is selfish and self-centered and telling lies about me to friends to hide her guilt and horrible actions. I’ve never seen such a woman do such horrible things.
I have been married for 40 years. My husband left me last year when I had 2 knee replacements at the same time. He has been cheating on me all these years with his ex-wife and another woman. I was living in a bubble. I treated him like a king. He left me saying, “you clean too much, you take care of business too much & you don’t watch sports, but the disaster to this marriage were your knees”.
He developed some dementia & came under the influence of his 3 children & ex-wife. He & his son have been transferring property and keeping things concealed from me all these years. He was a Major General in the Army & has been emotionally abusive all during our marriage. I just took it & would hope things would be better. I thought I had a good marriage but that is impossible to have if you are the only one working at it. He is a narcissist who has no thoughts as to any pain, sickness or peril I had.
The pain has been unbelievable. When he left, I filed for divorce & he has not spoken to me in over a year. He & his ex-wife are getting our home we built 26 years ago ready for them to move into. The divorce is horrific & things have been done by him & his entire family that are unbelievable to me.
The only way I have gotten through this is my church, and my wonderful friends. The pain is not as powerful as it was at first but is still there. He & his ex go to the club we went to for 25 years as if they are married. We are in a horrific divorce. I pray to God every day to get me through this mess & away from any thought of him or his family.
My husband has cheated on me for the last 10 years with my ex sister in law, who was still seeing my brother and sleeping with him and everyone else in the process. My brother left her for another woman and married her. But still saw his ex wife and that’s how he can see his kids. It was more to blackmail him. I felt sorry for her. Now he left his family and kids. We were still friends going shopping. I would babysit for her and she would go to work. We were like sisters.
My brother would not talk to me because I knew he was still seeing her and he knew I didn’t like that cos he was married to someone else. In June 26 2014 my husband finally told me the truth about him and her. That realy hurts me; she used me for her games. On the 10th of December my daughter got diagnosed with stomach cancer that was so devastating for all of us. Then my future son in law from my younger daughter on the 10th of January 2015 passed away in car accident. My life is not the same.
I am so hurt from all of this that has happened. I am going to church; it’s not helping me at all. My x sister in law liked going to witch craft. Everyone is saying that she has put a curse on my family has she was sleeping with my husband for the last 10 years. Can you please pray for us? My daughter who has cancer goes to church. She has her faith; she is very strong in her faith. We need a miracle for her. My both daughters are hurting so much.
Hi guys. I have been married for 10 years and just recently found out that my husband that I loved so much cheated on me with his ex girlfriend and the mother of his child. He also made her pregnant again so now they have 2 children together. On top of everything my husband got his permanent residency in the UK where we live and since he got it he totally changed towards me. He used me to get his stay and everything that he was doing was a plan that he had from the beginning. I never saw this coming as he was so lovely and always reassured me about his love and care for me. I feel betrayed by him. He broke my heart. He said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t know how to cope with it. I am so heartbroken. I can’t understand how he could cheat on me and use me to get papers for the past 10 years? I am shocked and depressed. Please help…
I have been married for 23 years and on September 13, 2015. I got an email from a lady holding a baby and telling me it is my husbands. She was telling me that they have been together for 9+ years. She wanted me to know because he broke the relationship off with her. He wanted her to get rid of the baby but she said it was to late she was already 6 months pregnant. She now has the baby. She trys to get a hold of me to be friends. He is begging me back and my whole world is turned upside down. The women says she is not with him and he says that he has not been with her since he found out she was pregnant. I don’t know what to belive. he has told me what she says is everything and he is telling me very little. I am trying to keep my head so that my kids are ok.
I want to hate him, but inside I have always loved him. Trying to make it through minute by minute. I feel like I can’t get over this hurt. I really need help!
I am so sorry that your husband betrayed you in this way. I just want to reach out to you and give you a big squeeze :( I hope that things are going better for you now even though I imagine the hurt still continues on.
Well, she cheated on me with her male best friend. Now I can’t sleep and wonder if she is still cheating on me. We have a 3 year old and have been together for 5 years. Why do women have no feelings for the men they cheat on?
My wife and I have been together for almost 18 yrs and married for 16. We have 4 kids from 5-16. Several years ago I had an online affair with someone that she found out about. She was able to get past it, but I did it again a couple years later. Nothing ever physical, but still it was cheating. She forgave me again, even though these would come up in arguments, but nonetheless moved on.
I let myself get pulled into it once more but this time I took it too far and cheated on her. I kept this relationship online for almost a year before making the biggest mistake of my life. When she found out this time it was the breaking point. She didn’t leave me and didn’t kick me out of our house; we talked/cried a lot and she allowed me to stay. She told me that she couldn’t connect to me emotionally anymore, and it was apparent in bed, as she is very emotionally cold.
Over the last 7 months I have done everything I could think of to show her that I was sorry and that I could never hurt her in this way again. I see what I’ve done to her and I couldn’t imagine hurting her like this. She has told me that she was trying, but I found out that she has been talking to someone like I was. She said she wanted me to feel pain like I made her. Part of me understands that I probably deserved this, but part of me feels like 4 months of me trying to repair what I broke was taken from me. She says that she doesn’t know how to forgive me and that she is emotionally empty.
It was hard to see how she talked to him and what she sent him, things that I have wanted all these years. I’m at a loss on how to fix our marriage and how to make her believe me one last time. I know I don’t exactly deserve it but I can’t see myself without her and I have taken myself and will remain out of the ways that allowed me into positions to talk to another woman. I am 100% committed to earning her back, but I don’t know the ways other then what I have already done. None of the things I’ve done have seemed to get us even one step towards repairing. Please help me fix what I have broken.
No help at all for me or advice?
Mike, We (Marriage Missions) like to wait and see if our regular bloggers respond first. But since it’s been 8 days I will offer you a few thoughts. In reality there isn’t anything I can say that can “fix” your situation. I remember reading your post back on 10/21 and what came to mind is that you’re a “serial cheater.” I’m pretty sure you’d disagree with that assessment, but let’s look at the facts.
You had three emotional affairs – with the third going into the actual physical act. Now, let me ask you: If your wife had three emotional and 1 physical affair, how easy would it be for you to forgive and move on? All your wife has to go on is your past behavior. And if you’re not aware, women (our wives) have VERY LONG memories. You broke her trust in you three times, with the third coming almost to the point of no return.
I say “almost” because all things are possible, even repairing broken trust and renewing a marriage. But it won’t happen in 7…or 10 months. It may take several years – but only IF you are willing to put some hard work into it. I’m thinking you will most likely need to see a counselor who (if they are trained in saving marriages) can help the both of you work through your trust issues.
Something else you’ll need to do is get yourself into a group like Celebrate Recovery that has a very good structured program for people with sexual addictions. I’m only guessing here, but you probably had/have a problem with porn. That is usually the gateway to affairs. Even if you haven’t been addicted to porn, you still have an addiction to cheating. And you need accountability – just like if you were a recovering alcoholic.
I will say it’s good you have come to some understanding of the level of hurt that your wife has gone through. But it will take more than that to win her heart back. If you want to begin to know what your wife needs from you, her husband, you can start by reading articles on our web site in the For Married Men section. I would also suggest you read the article called, “Why Some Spouses Give Up” in the Save My Marriage section. That one will shed some light on why your wife feels the way she does right now. I hope you will understand the symbolism in the article and how it relates to your wife.
Mike, it doesn’t have to be too late. We pray that it won’t be too late. You can read some of the testimonies in the Save My Marriage section to get some encouragement from others whose marriages were in crisis. I don’t know if any of this will connect with you, but this is what I felt I needed to share with you. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
I am recently going through a similar situation and the only advice I have is don’t give up. My husband of 14 years has cheated online a couple of times. Last week I found emails on his phone and after some searching I found out he had a craigslist account in which he was posting ads for woman he could please as a married man. He swears he has never actually met with anyone but I just don’t know what to believe since he did respond to some postings from other woman. I feel so betrayed, angry, hurt, and so many emotions that at times I feel I can’t breathe. So I can understand why she did what she did. Hurting you is a step in her healing process as immature as that might sound but sometimes it helps. Don’t be discouraged and if you truly love her continue to let her know. I hope that you can both communicate and work through the pain and most of all may God give you both the patience you will need for your relationship to heal and blossom.
I’m so sorry for your pain. I hope you have taken steps towards getting the therapy you need to figure out what is at the heart of your cheating. Perhaps your wife would be better off with another partner who is able to be loyal-letting her go might be the greatest gift you could offer her.
We just had our tenth year wedding anniversary and I found out that my hubby betrayed me. He slept with someone who was helping him in his biz. I had a weird feeling recently and therefore decided to check on him when he was staying at a hotel to prepare for his stuff. The day before I sensed something was not right when I saw the lady that was helping him. So I warned him that he’d better not do anything to destroy our family. Yesterday, when I went to find him and took his phone, I saw her naked photo. I was devastated. My world crashed!!! I wanted to die.
I nearly jumped in front of a car to die but in the end I didn’t. The ironic thing was that cos I sensed that something was amiss, I brought my kids to his room to play in the daytime. He purposefully rushed back just to spend 10 mins with the kids, which I thought was so sweet. But that night he did it with the girl. I found the girl’s naked photo in his phone. I really feel like dying. I have kids… I dunno what to do. My world crashed. I am a full time mum with no income cos I gave up my job to look after my kids.
Jane, I’m so sorry for this horrible situation. I can’t even imagine the sense of betrayal you are feeling. Please know that right now, you are overwhelmed, but eventually you will be able to think straighter. Your children need for you to get your mind to a better place. They don’t deserve to have their mom hurt or kill herself. Later in life they will think that it is their fault thinking, “wasn’t I enough for my mom to make the decision to live?” Kids are like that. Please don’t put this horrible burden upon them because your husband decided to be unfaithful. Shame on him… but for you… choose to get to a better place emotionally (which you will eventually, if you lean towards healing.
Please read through the articles, quotes, testimonies and such that we have posted on this web site on the issue of adultery and infidelity, gleaning through and living out the things you learn that could help you. It will be a type of therapy, which will help you emotionally and maritally, as you pray and lean into the healing the Lord can give you. I hope you will and pray that God will minister to your heart and to your needs as you lean upon Him, rather than your own understanding of all that is in front of you.
I’m sorry to say, that even with your disclaimer from the top of this article, there is a large deal of bias against men. As I read through the article, I see plenty of simple changes which could have been made to neutralize the gender and make the information more applicable to both. To think this article was actually published in a book “Torn Asunder” by Moody Publishers. I’ll use the VERY FIRST paragraph as an example:
“After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and SHE needs the freedom to ventilate HER rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.”
(Capitalization is mine to highlight gender specific words)
Two simple changes any good publisher or editor would have caught and should have caught: (Deleting one word and changing another)
“The betrayed spouse will be angry, and needs the freedom to ventilate THEIR rage.”
What gives me the right to be so critical? I am a betrayed male spouse. When we (the betrayed spouses) are out there looking for support and answers, it is simple grammatical gender errors such as this which make us feel angry or insulted! It makes us question the validity of the message being delivered by the author(s).
At the end of the Article, you state:
“The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers.”
If true, this book is extremely poorly written with gender errors presenting themselves within single sentences! I cannot overlook such simplistic care when writing about such a life changing, devastating, and important topic! Did the author not care in so much as to ensure his message was true and neutral? If he didn’t care, then why should spouses of either gender trust him to deliver accurate and reliable advice?
This really angered me as I searched for help and guidance on how to move forward AFTER infidelity of the spouse! It detracted from the message I suspect was intended and creates a divide between male and female victims of the same marital distress.
In closing, please consider your audience and the hurting spouses (both males and females) who are in search of help and guidance. Some cannot afford professional support and help, and the internet may be the only resource they have.
-Betrayed Male Spouse in Purgatory
Big hugs.