Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
Okay, so I’m fresh into the pain now. My wife and I decided mutually that we should separate because we’ve had a very rocky marriage (only 2 years of a three year relationship). It’s difficult because we DO love each other; however, we have compatability issues and I have, admittedly, some luggage that I haul around that just makes it difficult to deal with me at times. So, I digress, I moved out on Tuesday. Keep in mind that we had talked about not disrespecting one another by dating while were in the same home.
Well, Tuesday night my spidey-sense was going off so I stalked her. I cannot condone my behavior; however, it proved to be fruitful. 5 hours after I moved my belongings to an apartment, I see my wife walking into the house with another man. So, apparently it doesn’t take her long to get over me but I’m still not over her. I’m absolutely crushed from this. Even though we’re separated and most likely won’t reconcile (even less likely now) I feel betrayed, angry, inadequate, lonely, sad, confused, and every other emotion that I can’t think of, excluding happy!
Am I wrong to be upset? She swears that nothing happened but he was there for a LONG time (over 5 hours). I’m not stupid and she knows it but she’s trying to play it off like I’m just being the jealous husband and I’m overreacting. She still tells me that she loves me but that I need to learn to love myself before I can love another. I agree. It’s hard to love myself right now because I just feel like one big sucker! I just want to be over the pain. I’m trying everything that I can, meditation, exercise, distraction but I still can’t shake the horrible thoughts of him and her together. It’s absolutely devastating. My God, when does the pain lighten up? Hurting husband
PLEASE HELP ME. MY HUSBAND DID THE AFFAIR STUFF IN PROCESS OF ME GREIVING/ anger stage 4 more times like process each time–I STUFFED PAIN. I THOUGHT I FORGAVE THOUGH, AND WAS TOLD HE CONFESSED ALL. I was NOT EASY TO LIVE WITH, ANGRY ALL THE TIME, YET I THOUGHT I FORGAVE!!! 10 yrs later… I almost died, he decided to tell me… I didn’t confess all, I HAD A HOOKER– O MY GOODNESS; I FLIPPED OUT– I took the kids and RAN AWAY AS FAR AS I COULD. I IGNORED HIS PLEAS, ETC.
THEN GOD GAVE ME TRUE FORGIVENESS. And SHOWED ME I NEEDED SOME TOO– I’m READY TO HEAL WITH HIM. HE NOW SAYS NO… I am disabled with multiple Scelrosis 27 yrs, married 20. I can’t work, all alone, no family, money, and him in a separate state. WHAT TO DO??? Should I keep praying for him to come back??? I don’t know???
I have been married for 19 years. I’m an attractive and working woman. My husband has been cheating on me from the first year of marriage. I knew about it but was scared of losing the relationship so I kept lying to myself that all was well. Though there were fights when I saw his messages from other women. And all these years I kept thinking that he was like this bcoz I was not good bcoz, he would always keep appreciating other women as the best. All these years there was no physical relationship also and I thought that I was not good, that’s why. As my husband drinks a lot I thought maybe he was impotent. I never confronted him as I didn’t know how I would deal with separation with my child.
After getting sick of hoping that he would change I confronted him and all the mess is out in open. He was sleeping with other women. That’s why we had no physical relationship. He says that this is corporate culture. Either he was traveling for work or partying till late night. Even my son who is a teenager now is also aware of it all.
After all the confrontation and huge physical and verbal fights he promised that he’ll make change in himself and will not repeat the past. Even while he was saying that he was secretly going to the office with another female colleague and was helping her to manage her career further. Most of his women are extremely rude to me in public, which he just looks at silently. And I feel so much pain that I dunno how to respond.
Memories pain me a lot and I have no trust in him. Yet we’re living together. However every now and then my anger, frustration and anxiousness about his infidelity keeps surfacing, which makes me speak with him with sharp sarcasm, repeat the pat happenings bcoz I am able to connect many dots now and use the language, which was unthinkable for me.
I really don’t want to live like this. I wish to find a higher purpose to heal myself and live the life free of anger and bitterness and painful memories. I dunno what to do as I am not able to make even mild progress. I’d love a happier life.
The advice I have is pretty simple. Get out!!! What are you waiting for??? There is obvious no respect. But if you are too concerned with what “people” will say, do as you please.
Hi, I am a victim of betrayal. It hurts me a lot although I tried so hard to forgive and forget but it seems so difficult most of the time. We are officially married for almost 7 years …I trusted my husband so blindly that no wife should ever do but lately I discovered with the full proof that my husband is in a relationship with a married woman.
Being a Christian, it is a sin what my husband did, but I still tried to forgive him as he came back to me and asked for forgiveness. He admitted the mistakes he did in my absence but as a human being it is so difficult to forgive and let the things go easily like that… I tried to forgive him but I can feel and see in his eyes that he is not happy as he was before in me and in my home.
He is so restless at times and most of the time he prefers to stay outside and get drunk with his friends. The lame excuses are that too much stress is at the business. That’s why he likes to drink in excess, just to take out the stress but he was not like this before no matter what stress he is in.
I asked for a divorce from him but he still doesn’t want to give me one. Like he always says, he will not give me a divorce because he can see that there’ll be plenty of men that will come to me and he doesn’t want to see me with another man in the future. What is this? Please help me. What am I to do?
I can’t get over my anger and feel like crying all the time… want to move on in my life for my kids. I want to forget everything and have a better life with my partner, not the same I guess, but can be better. But my complaints don’t let me. There is a storm in my brain. I’m losing my sanity, vision, and hope. Please help me to regain my life for a better future for my kids, as my bitterness is effecting them.
Well to begin my story… I met my ex husband when I was still in school; he flirted and lied a lot, still I believed in him. After all the stories I heard I started to resent him and felt less for him. We got engaged and married when I was 20… not that he wanted to, but because his mother said he should because they are moving and needs his own place.
When we had our own place he started to cheat on me. He fell into deep depression after his brothers death and I had to deal with 5 suicide attempts and having a baby as well it drained me completely. He was never home, was always with another woman. After we divorced I found out there were 11 women and 2 on my birthday. I felt betrayed and fell into deep depression.
After 3 years alone I met someone but after 3 years it happened again… why?!!! Am I made to just be hurt or am I a sucker for punishment? I built a wall around my heart… don’t smile… start cutting myself as I feel helpless and unworthy. I did what any good woman would do… stand by her man, be loyal and be everything any man would want… never cheated… just got abused, slapped around and had my heart broken too. It’s so hard to think you wasted so many years… and just wish I could make a good choice for once in my life.
Hi, I discovered my husband cheating on me a week before the wedding of our daughter. I was devastated & i could not believe he really cheated on me. I confronted him and he admitted it & said he will end the affair. I forgave him and accepted him but it’s really hard to deal with it everyday. I did not tell anyone about this …until now I’ve kept it to myself, dealing with it every day.
There are days that all of this keeps flashing back to me… and till now I still cannot trust him. I feel sad… he is trying to show me he loves me but I’m not sure ….and I cry from time to time whenever I’m alone…
My husband admitted he had sex with another woman 2 days before Christmas (I kind of thought that was a possibly, but never asked. I choose to keep trusting him). I forgave him and I still forgive him. We have been through a lot together. We have known each other for almost 7 years and been married for 3 of those. I could tell he was genuinely sorry and I was not willing to throw what we have away.
The problem I face now is my emotions. The first few days I was completely numb, but now I am finding I can be washing dishes and a wave of hurt and sadness comes over me. Will this ever go away? I have no intentions of leaving our marriage and we’re working through this, even though I don’t think he really knows how much he hurt me. It sounds horrible but I (we) have invested too much time, love and experiences in what we have/had that I (we) are not willing to just walk away from each other.
Is it possible for us to at least get some of what we had back on track? We do great when we’re together; it’s just my emotions and insecurity that I can’t get past, and sometimes I’m not 100% sure he understands that either. Do you have any suggestions?
My spouse cheated on me in 2013 with an ex-boyfriend. A month later, she became pregnant and didn’t know whether the child was mine or her ex’s. I’ve never really gotten over this because it caused me tremendous pain and shame. In 2014 December, I got into a revenge affair just to pay her back for the horrible pain she caused me. I had planned that we should go for counselling as we’re a young couple, but she wants none of it. She’s not only resentful but disrespectful and insensitive.
I’ve tried to make things work but she doesn’t want to put any effort, listen to anyone, or communicate. All this has worn me out. I even feel embarrassed to say I’ve been in a relationship. Apart from the fact we have a son together, there’s really nothing worth talking about. I just want to get over the pain of a broken relationship and rebuild my life.
This is so helpful enx. You know the pain, anger I feel. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it to this marriage. I have been hurt before physically but things got better. Now he cheated and he told me after I was feeling a communication breakdown between us. He told me every question I have asked. He loves the girl and he told me he wants to make things right and I have to wait for at least three months to fix things due to the damage he says he has done to his mistress of which he doesn’t want to tell about the damage.
Can I wait??? That if the question. Tell me, have you ever felt pain, anger, and hurt and at the same time love the person like you can’t live without him? Have you ever felt your marriage is a curse? If so how do you deal with such pain and anger??? This is too much.
Dear Mnikina, How my heart goes out to you! This is so very, very sad. You ask, “can I wait?” My question is, SHOULD you wait? Who did he make a vow to –you or this mistress? Who should be more important to him –the feelings of you or this mistress? He says “he wants to make things right” but “he has done damage to his mistress?” What about you –the wife he promised to love and care for the rest of his life?
Dearest Mnikina, please demand more than this from him (although be careful because if he physically hurt you before, he can do it again when he feels things aren’t going his way). IF he wants to “make things right” then right NOW is the time to do so… not to the mistress, but to you, his wife. You shouldn’t have to deal with this added “pain and anger.” You have enough –just trying to get past this betrayal. Of course, this is too much. And of course, there is a “communication breakdown” between you. He is investing his energy into making sure his mistress is feeling better, but in the meantime, you are the loser. This is wrong, wrong, wrong!
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that your having to “wait” for a husband to work things through with his mistress is wrong… in every way, it is wrong. This only makes you into a doormat, where your feelings are being walked all over. Personally, I wouldn’t wait. I would give him a choice –either me NOW, or me never. If my husband gave me the choice of either waiting for him or not having him, I wouldn’t wait. You may love him, but he isn’t showing love to you. I’d much rather work at getting over my feelings of love for a husband who is a cheater, than try to keep putting up with a husband who is a cheater… letting him continually walk over me, adding injury upon injury. I pray God gives you wisdom and that you take it.
Hello Mnikina, this is sad. I really feel for you. You have the power to turn things around. Try and have a thinking forward momentum. You can’t lose your life to someone else. You are devastated now and I understand but don’t lose hope. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. My concern is your understanding in this whole thing that he thinks he can continue to be in a marriage and yet negotiate more time to sort things out with his mistress. I think that is unacceptable.
This man has acted against your value system hence it hurts. Go for counselling and consult with your Pastor as biblically. It is wrong to cheat in your marriage. Continue to trust God. He will give you the strength and wisdom. Love you.
Dear Mininika, I know your pain and anger and suffering, but you are lucky as far as I am concerned, and let me explain why. My husband of 53 years just confessed to two adulteress affairs just recently. I have been caring for him for 20 years, since he had a stroke and Chf. He is probably not going to live much longer because he is very ill now. If I had known about the affairs, I could of had a choice to stay with him or leave. I had four children and a very moral and loyal person, but I don’t believe I would have stayed with such a immoral person.
Unfortunately he never told me while I was young enough to find someone who could love me the way I deserved to be loved and respected. I was a very attractive women, who kept myself in great physical condition, and I was a great mother, lover and housekeeper; besides, I helped my husband by working in his business. You see, you are young enough to change your future and have another chance of finding a msn who deserves you. Me on the other hand, am 72, and can do very little to have the love and respect I deserve from a man. Instead, I am sad and regretful.
I did not learn when I was younger that my husband was such a immoral, selfish, and disrespectful man.The signs were there, I just couldn’t believe he could ever hurt and disrespect me and our family, by committing adultery. I thought he had my values, because he always professed that to be who he was. Since he confessed his adultery, I found out there were several more sexual affairs. He probably didn’t tell me about these because I became so angry, that I would leave him, or put him in a home for sick people. Because of who I am, I couldn’t do that.I pray to God, that he gives me the strength to take care of him without anger, and resentment until he dies.
I’ve been with my husband for 28 years of which 5 were dating and the rest married. After 7 years of marriage and 2 kids, he cheated with the maid in my house where she was taking care of my kids. He apologized and said to give him a chance. It was hard, very hard but I did, because of love and to mantain a family together. 5 years later, he did it again with a girl that could of be his daughter (She was 20). He claimed it was my attitude that dragged him to that, that I mistreated him all the time (not true) that it was the stress and so on.
Sad to say I told him to leave the house and the company. He has nothing left but his lover. After 8 months he came back to work things out. (OMG) Yes I took him back. Now it was harder than ever, my kids knew everything he had done yet they tried to work things by my side. We went to church and 2 years later he does it again. I found him talking to a women in the house at 12:00 midnight. That was a nightmare. I wanted to go crazy, did not understand how he play so much with my feelings and disrespect his house, his kids and myself again. I demanded him to leave the house.
Its been 6 months of pain, suffering, confusion, anxiety and much more. At this point, please tell me what’s the right thing to do, if you have done everything to forgive and forget. Why does this have to happen and will he ever understand the pain and damage he has caused his kids and myself? Is there such a thing as Karma? Is there such thing as being able to pull back up?
Linda, Nothing “drags” anyone to cheat. Your husband decided to do what he wanted to do, even though he is married. That is wrong in every way. There is never an excuse to cheat. There are other ways to work through unhappy situations in marriage. He is just trying to justify actions he knows he shouldn’t do.
As far as what to do at this point, that is a difficult one. It’s difficult to trust someone who has this type of pattern, unless he is SINCERELY sorry and shows you in every way you need. And no, there is no such thing as Karma… that is an illusion. Please don’t go there in your thoughts. Save your energy for things that can help, not confuse.
You ask, “is there such a thing as being able to pull back up?” I’m assuming you’re wondering if couples have had something like this happen in their marriages, and yet they have been able to repair their marriage and make it a good one. Absolutely. I’ve seen it happen many times (with my parent’s marriage being one of them). But it will take both of you having a determination to make this work.
I recommend that you prayerfully read through the “Emotional and Physical Affair” topic and the “Surviving Infidelity” topic to give you a better grasp on all of this, and so you can process through some of the things that are causing you confusion and anxiety. Also, the ministry of Focus on the Family (their web site is http://www.focusonthefamily.com) has counselors on staff that could perhaps point you to some additional things that could guide you. Please be proactive in finding help. You desperately need it. There is no way your marriage can survive without it. Please be the hero in taking additional steps to save your marriage. You, your children, and your marriage needs it. I hope you will and pray for strength and wisdom for you to do what is needed here.
I thank God for finding this web site and get what is really stressing me as my wife has hurt me deeply and feel no remorse. Thank you, and I ask for prayers.
Hi, I just found out my husband cheated on me with his ex 2 years ago. He has admitted his faults and apologized. But the problem is now me. It hurts so bad, I don’t think I get over the pain. It hurts so bad I want out of the marriage. I don’t know if I can ever get the strength to forget it. I am not even sure this pain will ever go away.
I don’t know what to do, whether to quit the marriage or hold on hoping the pain will fade away. I just don’t know what to do. I have prayed so much for God to give me the strength and the heart to forget about it and to ease away the pain. But it hurts so bad, a pain I have never felt before. Please help.
Emily… how very sorry I am that you are having to suffer from this type of pain. It is one that is horrible beyond words. How I wish I could help you. All I can do is give you a cold cup of water and point you to the One who makes the water –the Fountain of Life, Jesus. Drink at His fountain. And as you are drinking and praying, please read through the other articles He leads you to read on this issue that you will find in this topic (and the other one concerning adultery). Glean them and use them as tools the Lord can guide you through, as your Wonderful Counselor, to help you in the healing process.
Keep in mind that you have just been through a horrific injury inflicted upon your by your husband who you trusted more than any other human being. That is not something that will go away quickly or without scars. In the recovery process after open heart surgery after suffering a heart attack, you will hurt horribly, but you WILL heal as you lean into the One who can help you in your journey to get to a healthier place again. But you CAN recover. I’ve seen it over and over and over again (even in my own family after my dad committed adultery). Eventually, after a VERY difficult journey, my mom and dad had a very good marriage. My mom was and my siblings and I are so glad that this was able to happen. It would have been sad to have missed the good years of lots of love that came about after the difficult years.
I can’t offer much more advice than that, but to try to lean upon the Lord to take you through the tough stuff, don’t do anything quick, or rash, and do what you can to heal by reading and listening to what others, who have been through this, can tell you. God will guide you, no doubt, even through the painful times, as you look to Him. I hope you will and pray for you that God will help you to get to a better place emotionally. My heart and prayers are with you.
Hi Cindy, Thanks so much for the encouragement and also making me know it will get better. It’s been very difficult and very painful to even breath. No words come out when I kneel down to pray. It’s so painful that all I do is cry hysterically when I attempt to pray.
I will continue to seek His (God) face and ask him to give me the strength to get through this. I pray the pain eases as I pray to God. Thanks so much, God Bless.
God bless you for this website. I have been so desperate and confused. Thanks so much for the encouragement, for letting me know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I pray God heal my pain and give me the strength to go through this trial without giving up on Him, my husband, my family or myself. Thanks
I cheated on my spouse for over a year. She kind of knew it. Also I was drinking really bad for over twenty years. Once my wife truly felt that she had to leave me, she moved out to her sisters house. It has been over 6 months now and I’ve been going to AA and have been sober the whole time she has been gone. Also I haven’t been with another woman since she has left.
The question that I have is we have been talking and she would like to try and reestablish our union, but I feel like when we talk about her moving back in it hurts. I know I was the cause of this trust issues and pain. I need to know how to help her let go and move on. I’ve started to pray with her everyday for forgiveness, healing, compassion, trust, honestly, and to ease her pain. Our communication has been getting better every week.
I haven’t told her everything yet due to the fact that in the program of AA I’m not to that step yet. When the time comes I will be forthcoming to her. I’m looking for help with my wife. I feel so bad. When I was drinking I didn’t have any principles and today I have a conscience. I’m not looking to get over or trying to smooth things; I just want to help. I love her and I’m feeling her pain as well. My wife is such a beautiful person that didn’t deserve to have this done to her.
If you haven’t told her everything, you need to. It’s not about your recovery, it’s about hers.
I feel so drastically devastated, lonely and lost. I feel that I can never trust anyone; we were inseparable and now he has gone and I feel as if a part of me has died. I cry but in 6 months I have not gotten angry. It hurts to hand over our children to see him but not know him anymore. I miss him, but couldn’t be with him, when he was found out he became violent and vindictive, unpredictable and hurtful. The person who I thought I would grow old with is now a terrifying stranger to me. His parents have crossed him off, and he makes no secret of his relationship with another. I feel like I will never get over this or come to terms with it, no matter how often people advise me to move on and be happy