Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(ENGLAND) Hi Stan, I’m sorry to hear of your problems. Truthfully, I cannot really give you any good advice as I’m still having big problems forgetting and forgiving what happened. I still love my wife completely, and I know she’s sorry for what she has done. However, the damage is done, and I don’t know if we can repair it.
Generally, things are better between us. We make better use of the time we spend together, and laugh more than we ever used to. Our sex life is better than ever, and strangely, it’s because I cannot get enough of my wife. Maybe I realise now what I had before. I nearly lost it.
Unfortunately, I do still have images pop into my head that I cannot shake. Every day I get sad over what happened, and it’s gotten to the point where I think about spending some time away from my wife. Maybe for a week, maybe permanent. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about what happened, and I have to decide (as do you) if the effort of repairing the relationship is worth it.
So, that’s where I am. Struggling to come to terms with what happened. There are good moments between us, and when I’m happy, I know I can forgive her. When I’m sad though, I’m not so sure.
The only bit of advice I can give you though is if you decide to give your marriage another try, then put 100% into it. When I found out about the affair, I taped the confession of the other man, and have tortured myself over it… should I tell his wife (he just got married, maybe he had cold feet), should I tell everyone. It’s stopped me from letting go of the past and moving on with my life. So, if you have anything similar that reminds you of the affair, get rid of it. Move on. After 9 years, you owe it to yourself to at least try.
And if it doesn’t work, at least you can tell yourself you gave it 100%.
On a separate note, I want to say I was disgusted by the number of websites that give advice to women after their partners cheat, yet I’ve struggled to find a site that offers the same kind of support to men. Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life that people assume men are at fault for a relationship ending… even my family (who don’t know about my wife’s infidelity). They think I’ve had an affair because they know we have been having problems.
I think it’s a problem that should be addressed, as when I felt at my lowest, I really did contemplate suicide, partly because I didn’t know what else to do, partly because I felt so alone, and partly because I couldn’t get support from anywhere.
Anyway, rant over. Stan, and everyone else on here that’s had to suffer the shame, hurt and humiliation of infidelity, I hope you can work out your problems, and come out happy. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just all have to decide if the trip there is worth it. Speak soon all.
(USA) My heart is broken into a million pieces! Please help! My story and feelings are very similar to struggling. My husband of 23 years had an emotional affair for ten months. I am devastated! I have known since the end of July and it is still so painful. My husband is so, so sorry. He apologizes daily, tells me how much he loves me, how he was an idiot, he took me for granted… on and on and on.
I love him and will never leave him. He feels that God did this to us for good reason. So he could realize what a wonderful wife and family he has and how he took us for granted. It was a "wake up call". He is so excited about our future together and how good our marriage will be now that God has opened his eyes.
My problem is, he still says that his friend was just that… a friend. I do not believe him. He says he was not emotionally attached to her and the texting, coffee and calls were just because they both enjoyed the attention. They texted up to 30 times a day and sometimes talked 8 times.
I have spent hours going over and highlighting the phone bill. Our phone bill tells the location you are in when the call is made so I know when they met also. I have asked him 100’s of times what they talked about. He replies… just life. How are you, what are you doing today. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! I believe there was more and he is trying to prevent me from more hurt. I spoke and received texts from his so called friend. She told me that they flirted, talked, texted like they were in high school (they were high school classmates).
She also said how amazing he was and she was starting to like him "A LOT", in the same breath telling me all he talked about was his family. She also shared with me that they had discussed why they had not told us (spouses). She said that she is a Christian and her and my husband had discussed how they could not believe they were having these feelings. My husband says those were her words not him. But all the texts and phone calls… UGH! How could it not have been more then just friends? These are the things I am struggling with.
1. This women knows so much about our family and I know very, very little about what they talked about — where my kids go to school, where and when we went on vacation, what my children enjoy. It makes me so sick! I want to rip her head off! It is so painful! How do I get over the anger I feel towards her. I do not like the person I have become and it kills me. I feel like I lost ten months of my life. Please help me so I can try to heal. I am going to die!
2. I feel I need to know everything they did and talked about! I have tried to go over the bill with him so he will share more information and all he says is he does not remember. Also, he says that looking at the bill makes him sick and hurt also. How can you forget so quickly? For some strange reason I feel so strongly that I need to know everything to move forward. Why?
4. For the first time in my entire life I am insecure and I hate it. I hate the thoughts I have in my head. I am so jealous of her and the time they spent together. My husband says… but it is you I love, it is you I want, it is you I want to spend the rest of my life with… not her. He thinks I should just be able to think of our future together and the pain will just go away. Does it work that way?
3. TRIGGERS! All of these triggers all day long. The meeting place was Star Bucks so every time I see a Star Bucks, it triggers and the pain gets worse again (the pain is still there, it has never gone away it just gets worse at times).
She works at a popular clothing store so every time I see that store I think about it.
Oh, so many things… his phone (I bought him a new one because I could not stand the sight of that one). A family portrait we had taken during the affair… had to put it away. Every time I saw it all I could think about was that he was seeing her while we had it taken. Portraits of our children that were taken while they were seeing each other… on and on and on.
Oh, and probably one of the hardest is that her husband is the spokesperson for a local emergency department. He is on the radio and the news weekly! I have to listen to him. I feel sorry for the poor man. I do not believe he knows. I want to tell him about the "emotional affair" his wife had with my husband. How do you move past all the triggers?
Please help… we are going to marriage counseling but I feel that talking with people who have been through this might give me some good advice. Sorry for the rambling. God Bless… Broken Heart
(NIGERIA) Hi Broken heart, I’m sorry about your situation. I understand what you are talking about. I found myself in a similar situation. My husband dated 2 friends. Without their knowledge, he wanted kids from them. He even begged a Russian lady 8 yrs older with a 23 year old son to marry him. He was in the labor room with me when I gave birth to my last baby and all the pain I went thru, yet he in his heart named my baby after the Russian woman.
They are constantly in touch along with some others. Some times, they will flash him and he will call them in my absence and visa versa. He lied to me telling me he had to go to a club when he was outside the country. But in his mail to one of them he says " each time I get to the club I am always lonely because you are not there".
Recently, the Russian woman, who is a divorcee, sent some pics and a song to my husband. Answer me, if she was better than me would the husband have left her?
Broken heart, don’t believe those lies she told you about flirting with your husband and other things. They are tricks from her to make you divorce your husband. Tell the strange woman that it does not matter what your husband does, that you love him and will not divorce him for her or anyone else.
She is the daughter of the devil, a destroyer. Please don’t listen to her. Continue working and fighting for your marriage. God will see us thru because sometimes when I remember the past I feel like quitting, but our merciful God will handle everything. God bless you.
My husband has hurt me so much that I don’t trust him one bit, but I am holding on to God to rebuild the trust I had with him when we first started.
(CANADA) Hey all. I don’t normally post any comments here but I thought I should respond to you, broken heart. When I read your post I got upset for you because I’ve been where you are and I’ve had the same feelings that you’re having now and I’m still going through some of those feelings. Like you, my husband had an emotional affair with a woman from work and he took her out a lot and bought her a Christmas gift. I was angry and hateful but God worked in me and I told my husband that I forgave him. We had a lot of other stuff going on at the same time and I definitely wasn’t the perfect wife.
Unlike your husband, mine wasn’t remorseful at all and he said it. I realise that it’s not easy and it’s going to be a tough journey for you to let it go. I understand why you wanna know all the details. I asked him the same questions you’re asking now. I hated and still do the recent store that he bought her a gift from and the movie he took her.
What I want to advise you is that you need to pray a lot before all those feelings turn into bitterness that will poison you. I know it seems impossible now to forgive but ask God to show you how. I still have to ask God everyday to forgive me for my unforgiveness. With every memory there’s still some bitterness.
I’m repenting everyday because I had and have allowed those thoughts to manifest in my mind and it took away my joy and my husband noticed. That’s when I realised that the enemy knows my weakness — and it’s the affair, and he’ll use it to destroy me and my marriage. Please keep in mind that the devil will use this against you to keep you further away from God. Prayer is the best weapon to flee from the enemy.
Be honest with God about all that you feel. He already knows but He wants you to be down on your knees and He’ll see you through. I know it’s not easy but don’t let all those feelings manifest into something that will destroy you and your marriage.
Forgiveness has it’s stages and each stage comes differently – but it will set you free. Your days will get better with God’s help. I prayed for you so hard you’ll need to forgive both of them. God always turns hurtful and painful experiences into something unimaginable. If you can get STORMIE OMARTIAN’S -PRAYING THROUGH THE DEEPER ISSUES OF MARRIAGE, it’s a great book.
Read Matthew 18:35, and Psalms 34:17-18. I can give you a lot of Bible verses. Just let it guide you through this. Remember nothing is too hard for God.
Chris, hi, I read your post and I wanna tell you that God has really turned your marriage around. You say things are great – thank God for that and pray that God will help keep those images out of your mind. It’s sad what affairs do to people. All of you need is to trust in God. He understands the anger, pain, and bitterness. He just doesn’t want us to sin in anger. All He wants is for us to confess it all to Him and He’ll set us free. Hope this helps… love you all and God bless.
(USA) To Chris in England #37: Thanks for the reply. It sounds as though we are at about the same fork in the road, so wish us luck and God bless you.
(USA) Okay… here’s one I haven’t read and I don’t know what to do. My husband of 47 years confessed to me on Aug. 2 2007 that he had been unfaithful to me upwards of 60 times while in the Air Force and away from home very often. All but the first and the last were prostitutes. But the last was in our bed in our travel trailer that he was living in while away for several months. I asked many times over the years if he had been unfaithful more than the one time and he confessed to many years ago when he gave me a STD. He lied until Aug. 1, 2007.
He told me that it was 7 times. I told him that I finally believed him. Then the next morning he confessed to the others. As I asked him questions, he lied about small details but told me the truth about the most horrible facts…that he had slept in our bed with another woman he had picked up in a bar and slept with her all night. To add to it, he had sex with me in the same bed just weeks later when I went to be with him for a while.
He tells me that he just didn’t think of me at all before, during or after the "encounters". He shows no emotion about it… just tells me that he is sorry. I am enraged and am completely honest about my feelings. He just sits silent. How he can watch me sob and walk the floor, not sleeping, not eating, and never shed a tear is beyond me. I stay with him because I’m just not going to give up the comfortable surroundings I’m in now to move into a one-bedroom apartment for the rest of my life.
I have too many belongings that mean so much to me…family antiques, etc. that would not fit into any apartment I could afford and I refuse to give up those dear objects just because he is a jerk. He tells me that he loves me and always has. I tell him that one just doesn’t do this to someone who is loved. It has been 14 months and I still cry and rage.
I don’t know if I love him anymore. I just am not sure what love is. He tells me that I was an excellent wife and mother and that I didn’t do anything to cause this but always says,"I don’t know", when I ask him "WHY?????". I don’t think there is anyone who can help me, but it feels very good to just get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.
(ENGLAND) Hi Stan, Good luck mate, I think we’re both going to need it! :)
(AFRICA) I would like to know if the Bible allows divorce for emotional adultery, because it is just as bad as sexual one.
(US) Hello, I was reading some of the other stories and thought I would share and tell other that I feel their hurt in being lied to and betrayed. And the hurt and the anger is still there. When will that go away?
My husband for 23 years is a truck driver. And about 2 years ago before I started to drive with him, our daughter found a picture of him that he sent to an other woman. I was mad and hurt that he could send a picture like that to some one else. He said it was just a joke between he and this other driver. They just meet on the CB and was talking on the phone.
I asked if there were others and he told me no. So I forgave him thinking that you can find all kinds of pictures on the internet. Boy, was I wrong! About 5 months ago my husband came clean with the taking a shower and masturbating another woman that wanted to be a truck driver that he meet talking and telling jokes with on the CB. And then a year later another truck driver in the night wanting to get direction in a rest area. He said that she got in the truck and started rubbing his leg and privates and then they got in the back of the sleeper and had sex (just sex not making love).
He said he doesn’t know these women’s names. These both happened about 12 years ago. Then 7 years ago a woman in California bragged about giving the best oral sex on the CB. She followed him to a hotel that he had to stay at because he couldn’t unload for two days. Gave him 2. I don’t know how he could be so weak in not stopping these women and telling them no.
I love him but the distrust and respect is not there. I know they all happened years ago. But he has lied to me for 12 years. I should have had the chance before to decide if I wanted to stay or go. So now driving the truck with him is emotionally hard, especially sometimes when we stop in rest areas or go to the place in California. He said he told them that he loved me and was not going to leave me.
I don’t know what to do as I trusted him and asked years ago when he first started driving if he would ever cheat and he said no. I know that it goes on out there in the truck driving world. But he doesn’t even know their name. I can’t think that they have much respect for themselves. And I told him if it was that easy for them to do it with you don’t you think they might have done it before with others? He didn’t use a condom.
I know my story isn’t as bad as some but I still have hurt feelings and no respect for him. He says he loves me and always has. I say how can you do that to someone you love? I know they where only one time things with three different women that he didn’t know, but that is what is the hardest part. I told him if he went to Nevada, where it was legal, it would have been better. At least they are tested for STD’s.
I just wanted to tell some one about what I’ve been doing though for 5 months. Thanks for reading.
(ENGLAND) Why is it that so many people lay all the bad that happens in the world at the feet of the devil, yet when things go right, God is working a miracle?
Ann, I firmly believe that people are entitled to their beliefs, however you have no right to tell me that God is the reason that my marriage is working. It’s taken a lot of hurt, pain and suffering to get to where my wife and I are, and if you want to know the truth, my life still sucks. So is God responsible for that?
Marriage is hard work, and my wife and I have obviously failed at it… but if we manage to get things working again, then that is down to us too…not your God.
I came to this site searching for ways to help with the hurt after my wife’s infidelity, not for Bible lessons. I don’t mind at all if people tell the board that they took comfort in God…Good for them I say! I just don’t appreciate people directly telling me God is responsible for my marriage is working…if he’s responsible for the marriage working, don’t you think he should take responsibility for the marriage going sour in the first place????
(USA) Hi Chris, I wanted to say that I don’t believe Anne was trying to invalidate you or discount your feelings. Infidelity is definitely a large problem and a large hurt to the other spouse.
I wanted to clarify Anne’s statements (as I read them) and say that she is stating her beliefs as she sees them through the eyes of a Christian. Since this is a Christian web site, people here who are believers will quote from their personal spiritual beliefs as Christ has led them to that knowledge.
Perhaps you are not a believer? After reading your last post, it sounds like you disagree with the main beliefs that most Christians have. In answer to your last question, God does not take responsibility for the sins of humans because sin is the responsibility of the human who committed them. That is the knowledge found in the bible. It is a basic tenet of Christianity that most Christians subscribe to.
I’m sure Anne was not trying to make anything personal – she was speaking as a Christian who believes in scriptures of the bible. I believe she was speaking to you under the assumption that you were a believer. It seems after reading both of your comments that perhaps there is a misunderstanding on that point and that is probably the reason for the unintentional offense.
Chris, no one here is trying to force Christianity on you if that is not your desire. But the people who do post here are by and large Christians so they will tend to speak from that frame of reference and we tend to assume people posting are also subscribing to the tenets of Christianity. It is not our job to convert you if it is not your choosing and if you do not feel led by God to subscribe to those beliefs. It sounds like you do not subscribe to Christianity (although I’m making an assumption so I could certainly be misinformed myself).
I think what happened was a misunderstanding on that front.
Hopefully there are no hard feelings on either side. For future reference, Chris, people here will generally be inclined to share the thoughts with you based on the tenets of the Bible so that is something to be aware of when you leave more comments.
Peace and blessings to all, LT
(US) Hi Anne, I apologize that I have not responded to your kind words before now. I am so glad you responded to my questions and I am so sorry that you have had to endure the pain of a emotional affair also. I pray daily for everyone who is struggling with this issue….it is so, so painful.
My husband and I are doing O.K… not good just O.K. We have both turned to God and I am trying to heal my heart and forgive my husband. I pray daily to God and ask him to help me forgive my husband for his emotional affair… I feel like such a failure that it is so difficult for me. I am not doing well with the forgiveness part and I know that that is the key to our happiness.
I think my husband is growing impatient with me and that worries me. My husband tells me to come to him when I feel sad and I do… but last night he had a little breakdown and said he feels that I am not trying as hard as I could be to move on. He feels I dwell on his affair. If I would just think of our future and not the past it will be o.k.
I have tried to think of our future… all I can think about is him and her together. I just am so so hurt and angry! I feel the devil in my soul and I continue to try to be strong and fight for God’s love in my soul! I know God loves me and died on the cross for me and so we could learn to forgive others. So, since my husband got upset with me last night I decided I am not going to go to him any longer when I feel sad (which is OFTEN! I feel I have a rock in my stomach 24/7).
This will be hard because he is the only one I feel I can go to when I need strength but I can not put him through it any longer… he says his pain is just as great as mine or greater because he caused my pain. He gets so upset I just can not do it to him any longer… IT KILLS ME! I will just have to continue praying and lean on God more, I know he loves me and he will fill my heart with happiness again one day… when I can learn to let go of the past and forgive my husband.
I hope you do not mind if I ask you a couple of questions?
Do you still love your husband as much as you did before his emotional affair? To be honest I am not sure that I do anymore… this also makes me sad.
Did your husband tell you everything they discussed and how he felt about her? My husband say’s he has but I do not believe him… I feel I need to know everything to move forward and he just will not tell me everything. Am I asking too much?
Thank you and God Bless… Broken Heart
(US) I wish this site would e-mail the person you posted a comment to so they were aware of it. I know a lot of them that do.
(US) Hi Brokenheart – I have read your posts and identify and feel your pain and sadness. So, this reply is not just for your benefit but for mine as well. (I hope I remember to take my own advice…lol)
The love that’s spoken of in the Bible, especially in the New Testament, is a little different from the love that we, as romantic fools, struggle with every day. That’s agape love… and that’s the love that we really need to pull out all the stops for in times like these. These times that force us to our knees, calls for prayer for agape love – not the love we’re used to "feeling" or not feeling for someone or from someone.
Agape love is not based on feelings, which are mercurial and can change from moment to moment. It’s based on the Lord’s request that we seek the good of the person we’re praying for – whether we actually "feel" it or not. For instance, I’ve found myself praying for my "idiot" husband to the Lord through gritted teeth… asking Him to give him more wisdom and guidance about the choices in his life. The Lord knows how I feel – how you feel. He knows how hard it is for us and appreciates that we pray ANYWAY. Praying through the pain, through the confusion, through the need to control the situation, ourselves, others… but choosing, through agape love, to hand it over to Him instead.
I know this seems like not much to hold onto right now – and, as I said, I’m preaching to myself at the same time. But I have found in the 57 years of my life – and especially in the past 15 years or so of born-again bliss – that Time and God will take care of much of our frustration, anxiety and grief. Trust not only Him – but you and your relationship with Him – that he will lead us in the right direction always.
And don’t ever forget. God loves the sinner just as much as He does the one who is hurt by the sinner. That’s often difficult to comprehend but it helps to remind me that it is selfish to not pray for him – the Lord has His own timetable for all of us and our salvation. Perhaps it will be that one more prayer that will save your hubby. Love, Mo
(ENGLAND) I am 23 and have recently found out that my husband of 7 years has been having an affair for 10-12 months with a woman the same age as me from work. I found his secret phone in his work pocket with photos of them snogging on the front and 50 sexual messages on his phone.
We have 3 children together 5 yrs, 3 yrs and, 7 months and I was 4 months pregnant when it began. I suspected it after finding emails but he denied everything. His behaviour changed he treated me like crap and because of the pregnancy my self esteem was so low, I put up with it.
I continued living feeling so worthless for the sake of our children. I never looked through his belongings because I felt guilty of not trusting him. My head was telling me about the affair, too many things didn’t add up, but my heart said he couldn’t do this he wouldn’t. My friends and family also said he’s not the type, he loves you so much. I thought I was going mad.
Now that I know about it, there is relief that I wasn’t going mad, but I never thought I could hurt this much, or feel the pain anger and bitterness that I feel right now. He’s been living with his mum for 4 weeks and we started counselling. But we have two good days as a family where I see a future then I hit an anger/emotional wall and I can’t help but ask questions about it and about their sex life amongst other things, as this is the biggest thing I’m trying to deal with.
I can do the whole friendship side but as soon as he tries to kiss me I can’t cope. I just see them, her, him, he’s no longer my husband he’s hers!
Will things ever return? Will I learn to forget enough to move forward with the intimacy?