Are you finding it difficult to connect as a married couple? Are you so busy with your children that you barely have the time to just relax and enjoy being a couple? That’s not unusual at all. That’s all part of the dynamics of raising a family. As a matter of fact:
• If a married couple with children has 15 minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I’d put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It’s an extraordinary achievement. (Bill Doherty)
But it’s important to note:
• Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of society. If we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family. And as we strengthen the children and we strengthen the community. However, if your goal is to help improve the world, marriage is as good a place as any to start. (Diane Sollee)
So here’s an important tip:
• Never allow your children’s wants take precedence over your spouse’s needs. (Dr Todd Linaman)
Yes, your children will have pressing needs. But their wants can be sorted out so they aren’t totally invasive for your relationship. However, it’s difficult to juggle all of that out. So, how do you do this?
To help with this problem, the following article is an excerpt from the fun book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love. (There is also a link to an additional article below this one.)
Children CAN Come Between You
We love our children more than words can say. We want the best for them, and to a large degree, we have dedicated our lives to them. They make our lives complete and there is no question that they are our top priority.
Yet, we love each other too. A ton! And we don’t just say this—we mean it. We’re great pals and best friends. We love to spend time together—to share, laugh, love one another, be silly, or just be quiet. Both of us are partners, for life.
We decided long ago that nothing—not even our children—would ever come between us. Furthermore, we realized, early on, that one of the most important messages we could give our children was to set an example as two parents who truly love and like each other. We’re two people who prioritize one another and look forward to being together —even though we have a family to nurture and care for.
Our Love is Evident
It appears to have worked really well. Both our children know how we feel about each other. They realize, on a deep level, that we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other. We stick up for one another, agree on most fronts, and, most of all, that we love each other. There is no question in either of their minds.
In fact, it’s so clear to both of them that, when Saturday morning rolls around, one of them will usually say something like, “Where are you guys going tonight?” Sometimes they’ll say, “Who gets to baby sit us tonight?” They assume we are going to go somewhere together. They know it’s important to us —just as it’s important for them to spend time with their best friends. To them, it would seem bizarre if we didn’t.
We’re All Different
Every set of parents is obviously different. And they will have different values and degrees of comfort where this issue is concerned. Our goal isn’t to get other parents to prioritize their lives as we have. Yet, for us, we are positive that we are doing the right thing. We do this not only for our relationship, but for our kids as well. Our guess is that their expectations regarding their boyfriends and future husbands will be fairly high. Our hope is that they will eventually seek partners who value not only their children, but their relationships as well.
We know many parents who, even years after having children, rarely go out alone. We have a few who never have. It has always seemed to us that, even if you didn’t like each other very much and if your only goal was to send a good message to your children about relationships —then you’d prioritize your relationships. Do this at the very least once in a while. Otherwise, it would seem, they would grow up believing a “normal” relationship neither requires nor deserves any time or effort. The relationship would be seen as secondary, if not dispensable.
Prioritize Time with Children
It’s been said millions of times before —but worth repeating one more time. If you want a loving relationship, you must prioritize it and treat it as important. The truth is, you vote with your actions. You can say, “My marriage is really important.” But your actions may be saying something entirely different. You may virtually never spend time alone with your spouse, or go out alone with her. Hardly the way you would behave if your goal was to appear loving.
After all, you spend time with the kids and as a family. You also spend time at work, doing chores, shopping for “stuff,” and in front of the television. Why not with spend time with your so-called loved one? Is that what you would hope for with your child. Would you want him or her to grow up and never spend time alone with their spouse, once they had children?
Send the Message That Your Relationship Matters
Finally, when you spend time together, even though you have children, you send a powerful message to one another that each of you matters, so does your relationship. It’s harder to sweat the small stuff with your [marriage] partner when you both know that you are important to the other. So, however you do it, and to whatever degree, consider the importance of putting your relationship first. If you do, everyone wins.
This article comes from the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love, written by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson, published by Hyperion. This is a good little book. And although it isn’t a Christian book we’ve found it to be very enjoyable and clean with a lot of great information.
– ALSO –
Kathleen Kohler and her husband know all too well how a “child” who is leading a troubled life can turn your life and your marriage upside down. Please click onto the article below to read what Kathleen learned that hopefully will help you in your situation:
• HOLDING YOUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER WHEN YOUR KIDS FALL APART
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hello. I’d like to know if there’s anything on blended family(children). I’ve got big children and my youngest (20yrs) is a drug addict who left home and I’m mothering his small ones, 2 teenage girls and a 7yr old son. But one of the teenagers (15yrs) is standing up to me now while I "fight" for him to love his daughters cause according to him he don’t know how to do that, but he knows how to love his 7yr old son. He has never accepted my children…none of them are at home any more.I lost them due to my new marriage.Crazy as it sounds I love these children. We’ve been married now for 4 years,we were both widowed.
(UNITED STATES) I’m going through a little situation with a step daughter trying to come between my husband and I after we have been married for 23 years. What should I do about keeping my peace and not having a nervous break down?
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for 15 years and my step-daughter is a thorn in my side. My husband and I hardly have any disagreements…until she comes around or talks to him in private…just to find out our business so that she can spread gossip about us.
My husband thinks I’m the problem. I’m not a “wicked” step-mom. I just want peace in my home…HELP!!!
(UNITED STATES) My new wife and I have a child together. I have been married before and have two boys with my previous wife. Both boys are ages 21 and the oldest is 25yr. My second marraige with my present wife we have a 3yr old Girl. This is my wife first child and only child that lives with us currently. I am experienced with kids but my wife is not, being that this is her first child. The problem that I am faced with is that she is trying to pin on me that I am not giving her any attention and how can I when she is giving her dauther most of her time.
I dont come in between the two of them when they are together. I love my little girl just as much as she does, however I would not allow my daughter to come in between the two of us. The problem is that she does. Even when I am trying to have a simple conversation between the two of us it gets interrupted by the little one trying to get her attention. So when that happens my wife turns away from me and act’s as if I was not even talking to her. This causes me to shut down and not even try to communicate with her whenever the little one is in the same room.
The second problem is that my wife is allowing our daughter to sleep with us in the same bed. I tried to talk to her about this as well, but she keeps doing it as if i dont have a choice. Now she is saying that we are not having sex. Hardley because of the llittle one being in between my wife and I. Now she is trying to turn it around back at me as if I am a fault because we wont be together in bed.
I know that my wife loves her dauther very much but she is forgetting that she has a husband that wants attention as well.
I dont know what to do please help to save our marraige.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has children from his first marriage. They range in age from 23-32 yrs. old. His kids ALWAYS come first, and are extremely needy. He Is NEVER interested in me, and my world. When I ask him to pay more attention to our marriage, he tells me he will not abandon his kids.
My gosh… they are adults! Some have spouses and kids of their own, but call my husband for everything! They have all been in some kind of trouble with the law, he bails them out, pays for fines, and attorney fees! I ask him to let them be adults, and take care of themselves. I suggest that he is enabling them by always tending to their needs, and bailing them out. He tells me it’s his duty as a father! I cannot reason with him. He tells me I’m the most important person in his life, yet has no idea what my needs are, because he has no time to listen or do anything about it. HELP!!!
(USA) I am in search of help. My husband and I have been married now for 31 years. We have worked very hard to keep it a solid relationship. I came into the marriage with a 3 yr old son who now has a solid family with a wife and 2 sons. My husband has always treated him with respect and like a son of his own. After a year into our marriage we had a little girl… who is now 30. If it wasn’t for the fact that I know she is mine and she looks exactly like my husband I would think someone changed babies on me in the hospital. She is nothing like me (characteristics, commonalities, looks, tastes… anything). She is very intelligent but very immature in a lot of ways.
We currently are paying off 6 years of student loans with nothing to show for it and she just moved out (in July) and when I say moved out I mean thousand miles away… punishment I guess because ‘I’ cut her off. She wouldn’t help around the house; she worked a mediocre job, I did her laundry, cooked, did the dishes… basically we were a hotel with a maid service to her. My husband keeps saying she can’t make it on her own – well, I wonder why.
As you can see I have a lot of pent up issues but don’t have anyone to talk to them about… I feel like I am the worst parent in the world for having the feelings I have. Sometimes I just want to disappear. My husband’s family is the ‘blood thicker than water’ -children ALWAYS come first; mine is the more ‘learn to be independent and sustain yourself’ after the kids grow up they are on their own not a money tree. I know what the right thing is to do… but as a parent I am not able to let go. My husband’s family will not let it go either -it’s my fault she left ya know. They do not know the whole story as we are keeping things from them because of their ages (70’s – 80’s) and it would break their hearts or worse.
My husband of 31 years and I are constantly bickering over the amount of money he is giving her and we have spent throughout the years. At 30 I was raising 2 kids and one of them had been on my own for 3 years… never asked my parents for a dime. But that’s all we do is shell out to one and not to the other. I love my husband, my kids, my grandchildren, I am just so tired of tring to hold it all together. The truth of the matter is somedays I don’t even want to be alive so I don’t have to deal with anything. My daughter is a boomerang kid with no goals in life and has no clue what she is doing to her parents. To her we are the bad ones.
I came across this site in trying to find out how I can cope, fix or just give up on my 39/year marriage. Our issue is actually our 30 some year old daughter who has never moved out on her own. She doesn’t work (shes on disability), she disrespects our home by not cleaning up after herself; actually, to be honest she literally trashes our home! Dirty dishes everywhere, trash, dirty clothes, food left everywhere etc. She can’t even clean the drain after her shower.
I have tried so many times to talk with her about this and nothing comes of it. It ends up being “I’m the bad guy” because her dad just turns a blind eye because he doesnt like confrontation. I just feel like I can’t deal with it anymore and we (my husband and I) end up in an argument because I end up yelling at her in my frustration. Then everyone is arguing and it turns into a big blow-up.
I typically work 50+ hrs a week, and to come home at the end of the day to a filthy disaster of a mess that she’s worked on creating all day/everyday, I’m beyond frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. I’ve told my husband (her dad) he needs to step up and support me. We need to be a united front. She has learned to pit us against each other and rather than him talking behind my back with her…we need to make her accountable. I feel like im not being heard and/or supported by him. Its reached a point now that she has no problem talking to me with no respect at all and has said things to me that I honestly would have expected to get her dad’s attention.
I’ve tried keeping the peace and just clean things back up…however my efforts are quickly erased as the mess begins all over before I’m even finished. I need advice…I am really at the end of ‘trying’. Divorce feels like an option now. I never thought I would say that word. The disaster is so bad…I have confined myself to my bedroom. I would appreciate any advice.
Wow, my heart hurts for you and on some level I can relate. My brother did something once that I may end of doing. He had a little place that he could go to for peace and solitude. It wasn’t much, but it was his to get away from when the drama poured in on his life.
My situation is similar but different from yours. I’m engaged to a man with a 34 year old daughter who lives with him along with her 2 children (one of which has mental issues). He suggested that since we commute now, we could be married and his daughter could still live with him until she gets on her feet. I won’t be there during the week, only on weekends. I’m not feeling it as your daughter sounds like his daughter. We only have one life to live and God will guide you on the decision that you should make for yourself and your daughter. If she is on disability, there should be programs that could assist her with transitioning to a place of her own. Enroll her in one. Put your foot down and help her grow to be the woman she would be proud to be. Do all in love for her and for yourself.
(UNITED STATES) My marriage is falling apart. My wife doesn’t realize that she places the children from her first marriage above all others and some of her adult daughters walk all over her and our marriage. How do I make this blended marriage better?
(INDIA) Hi, I have been married for 5 years and have been living separately since past two years. I have come to this site keeping in mind that I get some real advice, which will work out for me.
My problem now is I have a girlfriend and who is willing to marry me only if I forbid my previous life, which I am ready for. However she is clear in her thought of abandoning my kid who is 4 years of age. Though I am not in touch with him since past one year I love him and am emotionally attached to him. My ex wife will never let me have my kid; that is for sure. But at least I have faith that one day my kid will come back to me asking for his father and then I am ready to accept him.
Now my real problem, which I am looking an answer is, do I need to go ahead and get married to my girl friend? Yes, I do love her but I feel I cannot compromise such a thing for her. Please suggest to me if I am wrong and also please let me know if I have any further solutions for this issue.
Vicky, Anyone who could ask you to abandon your own child –especially when you are still legally married and this child is yours from this marriage (even though you are living separately) is asking too much. What will she ask for next? You can never be sure. But you can be sure that your child needs to have the hope that eventually he will have a father who will be there for him when it is allowed by your wife for that to happen.
Even though you are separated, you are still legally married. This woman shouldn’t be considering marrying you anyway, just as you shouldn’t be considering marrying her. Whether your wife is living with you or not, she is still legally your wife. And married people should not be with anyone else… period. You made a vow.
And even if you didn’t pay attention to what I just wrote (which I hope you will), I have very bad feelings about your “girlfriend.” For her to “forbid” you and try to erase your “previous life” and ask you to fully “abandon” your child, does not show good character on her part. This child will forever be a part of you. To deny him is to deny who you are. If she wants you to erase this child, personally, I would erase her from my life, even if “love” or no “love” is involved. You need to keep the option open that someday your son will be a part of your life. He deserves no less. He didn’t “separate” you and your wife, so please don’t put things in place to “separate” him from your life permanently. That is so wrong. He doesn’t deserve this. I see BIG trouble down the line if you marry this woman. Anyone who would make such a self-centered request of you does not really love who you are but instead loves what she wants –whether it hurts an innocent child, or not. This is how I see it. …I hope this helps.
Vicky, I was a child who was abandoned by my father because his girlfriend insisted he choose her over me and my brother who was born disabled. I can tell you I am now 30 years old and I still at times can struggle with abandonment issues. Don’t ever give up your child, ever. The right type of person would encourage you to be a positive loving part of your child’s life. You should never have to choose. Blessing to you. I pray you’re doing well.
Thank you for this piece
Ok here are my issues. My ex husband and I married in 2007 after being together for 4 years. He had 3 kids; I had 3 kids. All 6 kids lived with us. I raised them in 2012 after my husband had been sick for a few years; thing got bad!!! We separated in 2012 for about 6 months. His 1st ex wife took the 3 kids and as long as I was not with my husband I could see them. Then we got back together and I couldn’t see them. They won’t see their dad the whole time. We separated again about 6 months later and then divorced a year later.
When we divorced the 3 kids started to see there as long as he and I were not together and as long as he didn’t see our 3 kids. Our 3 kids haven’t seen there dad in almost a year. My ex and I are trying to restore our marriage and our family but 2 of the kids from his 1st marriage have said if we get back together they will not come back and will not see him.
We love each other ever much. I raised these kids for almost 10 years so I don’t understand. I’m so hurt and I don’t know what to do. I can’t ask him to work things out with us if the kids are going to be this way. We raised these kids in church they were baptized while living with us. We were such a happy family for so long. His 1st ex wife has done nothing but try to tear us a part from the very beginning, and in the end she did. But now she got 2 of the kids doing it now!!! He is the love of my life and I’m so lost with him and so are our kids!! Help anyone.
Good evening. I am newly married 2 years but we’ve been together almost 6 years. Last year me and my husband merged households and it’s been an uphill battle ever since. I have a daughter 15 from a previous marriage and her dad is not in the picture due to a mental health issues. 6 months ago I let her go live with her aunt because of the conflicts in the house that my daughter does not like my new husband and his rules.
Needless to say things did not work out with the aunt and my daughter moved back into the house a few weeks ago and she still does not want to be here and wants to live with a family friend I am trying to put my foot down that she needs to stay here but it’s causing much stress on my family (husband and step daughter and myself). She hasn’t even unpacked her stuff yet. I really need some advice as I don’t want to lose my daughter or my new family.
I’m lost. My sister has been married for 18 years to an explosive control freak. Now there almost 16 year old is being explosive to my sister and younger son and her husband does nothing but say it’s normal for boys to behave that way. Their younger son finally stood up to his brother and then he gets in trouble. Her husband will not discipline the 16 yr old at all even when He curses at my sister and screams at her. She has warned him he is losing her but keeps siding with their son anyway. Won’t make him do chores for fear the teen will get angry. Now he’s made an appointment for a drivers license dispute; my sister is telling him it’s not a good idea given his current behavior. He has made the appointment anyway. I’m so frustrated at the disrespect my sister is experiencing and feel both her son and husband are bullying her and my younger nephew.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months..his 31 year old pregnant daughter has an addiction with pain pills. She is trying to break us up. I don’t like her coming around as she’s using her dad. I think she has her dad fooled…My boyfriend doesn’t include me at all. I love him…please help me.
My partner want to bring her troubled son to our home to live even though he is disrespectful to me.
How to handle a overly controlling 38 year old stepdaughter and stepson inlaw in your marriage and a wife who’s let them make her decisions in the past after losing her first husband to cancer.