When you don’t want to have sex with your husband, what do you do? Maybe you can relate to the wife’s thoughts expressed below.
“I have already gotten settled in bed, wearing my flannel nightgown and reading my book. Now that you’re in the mood, I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble…” (This is a paraphrase of Song of Songs 5:3,6)
Sometimes the well-worn excuse, “I’ve got a headache, honey,” is actually true. Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’re angry or disappointed. And it’s equally difficult to desire your husband sexually if you’re not attracted to him.
When You Don’t Want Sex
Many women in difficult marriages lack a desire for sexual intimacy with their mates. And you don’t have to look far to understand why, at least in part. We’re all aware that women are wired differently than men when it comes to sex. While men often times are aroused by physical and visual stimuli, women usually need to feel affection and trust in order to be responsive to a man’s sexual advances. When a wife receives her husband during intercourse, she is, in a sense, allowing herself to be invaded by him —not just physically, but on emotional and spiritual levels, as well.
Feelings Make a Difference When You Don’t Want Sex
Wives who feel loved and secure can welcome this invasion as an opportunity to experience intense intimacy and pleasure with their husbands. But wives who lack sexual desire or who feel animosity toward their husbands often experience sex as a violation rather than as loving communion.
Many women in difficult marriages find sex undesirable. So, if you have problems in this area, know that you’re in good company. Also know that you can take steps to have a more satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture can shed some insight into why [wives] may be feeling resistant or resentful when it comes to lovemaking. In a well-known but often misrepresented passage about marriage, Paul writes:
‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.‘ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
What These Verses Do and Don’t Mean
These verses have been used to browbeat wives into feeling guilty when they don’t want sex or avoid it. But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs also to her spouse. As ‘one flesh,’ a wife shares her body with her husband. Bible commentaries also point out that when Paul says we ‘belong’ to one another, he’s not just emphasizing our ownership rights over one another. He’s also clarifying that our exclusive conjugal rights belong to each other —no outsiders allowed.
This passage does not teach that a wife (or a husband) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it. Rather, it teaches that since my husband’s body belongs to me I should care enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can. And he is to do likewise with my body. In the same way, my husband’s body belongs to me. I should also be understanding and generous when it’s not “in the mood.” And he is to do likewise with my body. The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.
At first reading, this passage may also seem to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis. That is because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness. It helps to protect our fidelity. The intent of this duty isn’t that a wife complies with a husband’s selfish appetite for sex on demand or vice versa. The intent is for her to fulfill her sacred obligation to meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is to keep the marriage bed pure, and keep each other free of sexual temptation.
Another Passage
Let’s look at another passage. In Ephesians, husbands are told to love their wives “as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “After all, no one ever hated his own body,” Paul writes, “but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (v.29). God describes a husband who loves his wife so much that he puts her needs as high on the chart as his own bodily needs! In regard to sex then, if a husband loves his wife this way, there’s no danger that he’ll mistreat her or take sexual advantage of her, because that would be like hating his own body.
In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he —not she —is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.
So now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs. However, on the other extreme —saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship —is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If you consistently rebuff your husband’s sexual advances and resent intercourse, you need to take active, positive steps toward restoring consistent and mutually satisfying lovemaking to your marriage.
Suggestions When You Don’t Want Sex:
Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and change. For starters:
• Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking.
Make sure he knows you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.
• Take a “Time Out” from Sex.
Paul said not to deny each other except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). The reason for a sexual hiatus isn’t to avoid sex. It’s to pray and take active steps to bring about change. It’s not to stop resentment from building. Additionally, it’s to bring healing so that resentment is no longer an issue. Talk about this with your husband. Tell him what you’re doing and why.
If he knows the goal isn’t less sex, but more and better sex, he’ll likely feel less threatened by a time out. He may also be more willing to see a counselor together, read books together, or explore the problem. If he gets angry or refuses to respect your wishes, talk with a counselor. You need to gain wisdom and support for what you can do.
• Educate yourself.
There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction. There are plenty of good books available, however. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:
• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.
Additionally:
• Check Your History.
Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.
• Rule Out Physical Problems.
Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Explore the possible causes and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, or if you lack lubrication. Also visit a doctor if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.
• Experiment with Being the Initiator.
In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator. This can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse. Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out:
Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest. So he anxiously begins to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation. So she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.
Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.
• Spell It Out for Him!
“If [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly. That causes her anger to sizzle.”
Sound familiar? Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed. Let him know what makes you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day. She needs more interaction than giving it only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much.
It could be as simple as a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy. List for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.
• Consider Sexual Therapy If You Continually Don’t Want Sex.
For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching. Over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse. (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program.)
If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.
• Be Honest About Turnoffs
It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood. For years, Catherine’s husband Jason had no idea she was repelled by the smell of a prescription lotion. When she mentioned it, he was hurt that she’d never been honest before. Now he never applies his bedtime dose of lotion until he’s sure they won’t be making love.
If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values. Do what you can to try not to let them detract from lovemaking.
Never Give Up
Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way:
“How important is sex in marriage? Here’s a simple answer. When sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running —without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”
Here is a prayer you can use as an outline:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband. You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another. Amen.
This article came from the book, Lovers for Life: Strengthening and Preserving Your Marriage
— IN ADDITION, TO HELP YOU WITH THIS ISSUE —
Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com web site gives insightful information for you to read:
• SEX FOR HER —When She Resists or Limits Sex
Filed under: Sexual Issues
At one time my wife had zero sex drive. Time passed, perimenopausal, then menopause, painful sex. Now she is on HRT, including testosterone; she wants it more now than when we were 1st married!
How safe is HRT? I heard it increases the risk of heart attacks and stroke? But I need help!!! I have zero desire for sex.!!!!
So, I used to love having sex with my husband. I still love him and am attracted to him, however I have absolutely no desire to have sex at all any more. The only things that have changed is we’re older, we have two kids, and I’m on several medications that cause decreased libido. I struggle with not only my physical health, but my mental health as well, which is why I’m on medications. I have no desire for sex, and I often feel just to exhausted to even try to have sex to appease my husband. I’m not sure how to fix this to where my husband and I can have a healthy marriage.
He feels like it’s him and that I’m not longer attracted to him, but that’s not it at all. He longs for how our sex life used to be and would be perfectly happy if we had sex every day. On top of no desire for sex, I often feel like I never get nonsexual touch from him…. it’s like he always wants to make out or feel me up, which makes me uncomfortable. I’ve gotten to where I don’t like to be touched at all any more. I know it mostly all stems from my mental health and my medications, but I really don’t know what to do to help this situation. I feel helpless and I hate that my husband is suffering and feeling like I don’t want him any more. Help!
You wrote quote “I often feel like I never get nonsexual touch from him…. it’s like he always wants to make out or feel me up, which makes me uncomfortable. I’ve gotten to where I don’t like to be touched at all any more.”
Women (and men too) need to be touched in a nonsexual way at times when they are not having sex. It needs to be part of the way he interacts with you on daily basis. It can be a hug, or a I love you, a kiss without touching you sexually, holding your hand, placing his hand on your back as you walk though a door, rubbing your arm, holding you, (I remember I love the way my husband would hold my forearm in his forearm while we sit together, that is just one way) touching your hair, or caressing your face… POINT: there are COUNTLESS ways he can touch you non sexually.
And most importantly, you also wrote quote, “I know it mostly all stems from my mental health and my medications,” NO!, This kind of non sexual touch is important and needed so please don’t blame this aspect of your need – the need to be touched in a non sexual way, on your medication. Show him and tell him how you liked to be touched during the times that you are not having sex. Show him how this touch can happen anywhere, in the kitchen, the car, while you are out in public or around the house or walking around… it can be often. Model it for him, and even say, “I know you love me and this is the type of thing I like in order to feel more connected to you – to feel loved by you.”
I love my husband!!! I want to make that perfectly clear. We have been married for 40 years. The last 20 years have been difficult for me in the bedroom. I have not wanted to have sex for many of these years. I have also been ill for part of this time. But I have restored my health through diet, proper nutrition, exercise and vitamin and natural hormone replacement supplements/creams. In short I have scratched my way back to health through sheer determination and I have prevailed.
I have recovered my sexual ability but not my desire. I’m having longer and better orgasms than I had in my 20’s. But I am not attracted to my husband physically anymore. I am in no way interested in pursuing others…I am only interested in my husband. The problem is that he is at least 50 to 60 pounds overweight (6’4 and 270 lbs.). I am probably 10 to 15 lbs. underweight (5’11 and 125 lbs.) I feel really mean and guilty for feeling this way.
What should I do? We’ve had several talks over the years about what he might do but he is not the least bit interested. He says that then he would not be able to eat what he wants to eat and he continues to have two desserts whenever the opportunity arises. I am fed up with waiting for him to take action. I am very worried about his health!!!
What should we do? His doctor has said he needs to lose weight but my husband does not listen. Yesterday I told him he is cut off until he loses at least 20 lbs. Now I feel even more guilty and mean. Please give me some feedback.
Joan, I’ve been thinking about and praying about what to answer you concerning your plea for feedback. Needless to say, this is no “easy” problem to get beyond. It appears that your husband is either depressed, addicted to unhealthy eating–especially sugar, and/or is the type of person who has a type of Phlegmatic personality where he doesn’t see the same necessities for change like someone with a type 1 or Choleric personality type. I could be wrong here because I haven’t talked with him or with you. But whatever his reasonings, he is obviously not interested at this time in losing weight, or he sees it as too difficult a mountain to climb. There could be a whole lot of reasonings behind this. I’m not sure what they are.
But whatever they are, I really don’t think that cutting him off from having sex with you is really going to work in the long run. First off, his losing 20 pounds could take months. That is a HUGE goal for someone who gets his continual comfort and/or pure enjoyment from food. It will seem too unattainable whenever his cravings nag at him. Plus, it’s not like quitting smoking. He has to eat, so it will be many, many times a day throughout the day, every day that he will be facing his cravings to fight against eating too much. Quitting eating too much and quitting having sex with our spouse are like comparing apples and oranges. They are completely different types of cravings. He will probably eventually resort to having sex with his hand, and/or getting into porn. Those “options” may seem more plausible than breaking his addiction to food. And then where will your attraction for him go from there? I think it will only get worse. So we go from not being attracted to him physically, to not being attracted to him physically or emotionally. I believe you would be causing more cracks (and even more serious ones) in the foundation of your marriage by trying to withhold sex from him as a “motivator” for his losing weight. It would hurt him and you and seriously hurt your relationship–maybe permanently.
And then I have to say this. You don’t mention where you and your husband are spiritually, but this is a Christian web site, so I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where we’re told: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” God has very good reasons for that, which He tells us to do, and not do. He knows the pull of this type of temptation and warns us to put each other in that place. It may make sense to us, but we’re playing with fire by going against what God tells us. Truthfully, I wouldn’t go there. I’d back up away from this one. I think you would damage your relationship too severely by sticking with this mandate.
So what should you and your husband do? Well, one thing… first realize that he is not you. I greatly admire you for what you did in getting yourself healthy. I think it is GREAT that you did what you did! I’m thinking he admires you for this too. But that doesn’t mean that he has the same determinable spirit as you. The mountain he sees and the one he saw you just climb over just don’t look the same to him. He obviously needs to get motivated. His health (and your view of his appearance, and your sexual desire for him) depends upon it. But he just doesn’t have that gut-motivating determination to do what it takes to get to that healthier place at this point. And you can’t give that to him. Only HE can get himself to that place. Withholding sex for something like his losing weight (especially 20 pounds) will only heap more problems on top of the original problem you have at this point in time. That is my honest, prayerful opinion. I wouldn’t stick to that threat.
I would work on my own outlook on this whole thing. I would purely approach it from a “concern for your health” standpoint. I wouldn’t feed or allow myself to entertain thoughts about how I am not attracted to him because of his outside appearance. I believe this will only chip away at your relationship more and more. I’d keep focusing on his inward qualities and when I start going there in how my eyes view him… I’d shut that down. I’d put my mind on other, more positive things. And then, when the lights are off, I’d concentrate on making love to, and pleasing my husband–the man I love, rather than the outward image of him. As you do so, as you said, you would find pleasure too because of your longer, better orgasms.
I’ve heard it said that “whenever we make orgasm the goal of sex, we fail to experience godly sex. The ‘big O’ is not orgasm. The ‘big O’ is ONENESS. It’s not how great the bodies, or how great the orgasm. It’s that a loving experience you share with each other.” The orgasm and the euphoric feeling that accompanies it is a wonderful bonus. Don’t get me wrong. It’s GREAT! But don’t make that the most important focus of making love with your husband. Aim for oneness wherever you can in your marital relationship.
My husband is a Type 1 diabetic (and has been for over 45 years). For several years he didn’t take good care of himself, as far as this was concerned. It was a constant struggle that caused problems in our marriage. I kept emphasizing how concerned I was for his health. We had young children. Plus, I didn’t want to lose him and I knew and know the problems that diabetes can bring–especially when it isn’t being handled in the way it should. Diabetes can get away from you really quickly, even if you do all the right things, let alone doing what you shouldn’t.
I just kept emphasizing how much I love him and how his taking care of himself was a love gift back to me. I did (and still do) what I could (and can) to not bring things into the house that he shouldn’t eat–that, which would tempt him. It was healthier eating for all of us. Our meals were (and still are) nutritional and balanced. Exercise and healthy living is something that I made sure I brought into and modeled in our home. Plus, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I have continually worked on my own attitude on this. Eventually, Steve got it. Like a lightbulb was switched on, he started taking control of his own health. Since that point, he has been doing great on all aspects of his health. I am his partner in all of this, not the one who drags him into doing what he needs to do to be as healthy as a Type 1 diabetic can be. (Dragging doesn’t work… it just frustrates.) Sometimes I point out better eating choices, and I’m still careful in what I bring into the house, but I work not to shame, blame, and get too negative about it.
Again, it comes down to the fact that we can’t change our husbands. They have to do the changing. We can encourage, pray for, support, do our part in partnering with them and keeping our own eating and health habits in line, but we can’t drag them into changing. And again, do what you can to NOT feed how you view your spouse’s outward appearance. Keep the lights off and don’t touch his stomach or other areas of his body that can turn you off mentally. But make love to your husband as the man you love for who he is inside. Perhaps, eventually, he will work on the outside. I hope he does for both of your sakes. But that’s the best advice I believe I can give you. Don’t throw out a good man because he is heavier in weight than he should be. You’ll both lose, if your relationship is reduced to outward appearances.
Thank you for this response. I am in the same situation as Joan. I have not “cut off” my husband from sex. He’s got a bigger problem in that he’s more like 100lbs overweight and it’s gotten to the point where now he needs bilateral knee replacements. We have been married for 35+ years and I truly love him! My heart breaks because of how he has let this ruin his health (we’re still young btw – in our mid 50’s) I want to be able to do all kinds of things with him beyond sex. I see so many things posted about how men detest their wives gaining weight (I know I have the COVID “15” to get rid of) I just dislike the double standard in society about how women should always look a certain way but guys give up.
Anyway I appreciate your encouraging words and I really like how you say to focus on what you love about him, because I really do! But that gut slung over the jeans is a huge turn off. It makes me recall the scene from Santa Claus 2 when Tim Allen’s character says “who wouldn’t want a piece of this?” Ugh…not me…no one…
Thank you!
Respectfully, you twisted the Bible verse you quoted. A happy marriage is not based on the husband ignoring his sexual needs because the wife doesn’t feel into sex. The Bible says husband and wife are not to deprive each other. You clearly take the low desire position while ignoring the equally valid high drive position. Sex holds a marriage together. It is God’s gift to married couples. If you won’t meet your spouse’s sexual needs, don’t get married.
Bill, Amen to that, brother; that needs to be one of the MAIN topics of pre-marital counseling. Hash that out and come to agreement WELL BEFORE the ceremony or don’t tie the knot to begin with.
Of course you could still wind up chained to a wife who deceived you from the get-go like mine did — wait and save yourself for marriage and then find out she never intended to live up to her end of the bargain.
Yup. Why do women get married if they don’t want sex or see it as part of the equation? God gave men the sex drive. To pretend that the one that doesn’t have the sex drive should be the final arbiter is simple misanthropic. Seriously, someone said, “I didn’t see that in the contract or vows?” Really. What if the wife bought a car.” But, she had no other means of filling the tank up unless he took it to the station. But he just didn’t feel like doing it. His car ran fine. He didn’t need her car to go anywhere. How would she feel about the car he brought? I counsel people, this is the garbage I deal with in a disturbing amount of women.
It’s not, hey, I’m not into it as much as him. I do want to meet his needs, so we need to work on this. No, if a woman doesn’t need it, then he doesn’t either in their minds. That’s sick and twisted. Then they get mad if the guy gets a girlfriend, goes to bars or the internet. I’m not justifying any of that as a “good” thing, but as a “natural” result. People are sexual beings. The marriage covenant, just like a car needs gas, has sex as one of the fuels on which it runs.
Do you just get in your car and start it up and take off or do you allow the car to warm up? Because it sounds to me, that you expect your woman to be ready when you enter the room and take off your trousers!
It’s evident you did not read the entire article that women need to be courted throughout the day, not just when your feeling extra frisky; get with the program and listen up, or else your car ain’t going to start ever again if you take it out of the garage. That means using abuse such as saying things like and I quote from you, “Then they get mad if the guy gets a girlfriend, goes to bars or the internet. I’m not justifying any of that as a “good” thing, but as a ‘natural’ result. People are sexual beings.”
The marriage covenant, just like a car needs gas and has sex as one of the fuels on which it runs. People need to try harder and men need to stop being lazy, not only in bed but throughout the courtship and the marriage. Just because you are married doesnt mean the romance and courtship ends and dies too; if it does then your sex life dies. So, man up!
I agree with you in that women, not all women, but many women most of the time need their husbands to take the time to properly turn them on, or “preheat the oven” before having sex. In most relationships, this starts with the husband maintaining a healthy weight, doing his fair share of the chores, spending time with his wife outside the bedroom, and proper foreplay.
While all these things are good, they are putting the cart before the horse so to speak. The problem with this is that many women (church leaders teach this as well) expect this from their husbands. Any less than this from their husbands is ample reason for wives to point a finger at their husbands as “not living up to his role as a husband” and thus blame their husbands for their own lack of sexual desire and justification for not wanting to or having sex.
First of all, let me start by reminding you that it is the wife’s own personal responsibility to “control her own vessel.” This doesn’t only mean “self control” when it comes to sin, but it also means fostering and nurturing her own good emotions, attitudes, and sexual desires. This all starts in the mind by thinking positively about herself and husband in all areas, emotional – physical – and spiritual.
While good health, spending time with each other, helping each other, and foreplay is good, if your husband doing those things is the only thing that gets you interested in sex, then the problem is yours, not his. This doesn’t mean that these things don’t have their place, they do, but a person’s sexual desire should be present regardless of these things. After all, your desire for sex was present before you met him and eventually got married! What changed? Your mind was engaged (to what ever degree) to desire sex before marriage. Why did you allow yourself to stop nurturing your mind after you got married?
Barring any major significant spiritual issues with sin on his or her part, if a man or woman has lost desire, it is a mind thing. Nurture a healthy sexual attitude in your mind, and heart will learn to respond accordingly. Once your mind is healthy and in the right place, then most of the time, your body with follow suit. Even with hormonal issues, a person can still desire sex in their mind, even though their bodies may not be in the same place. Once your mind is healthy, then a healthy spouse, help around the house, quality time, and foreplay, is simply the icing on the cake. In fact, it will probably even enhance your sexual experience.
Expecting your husband to meet up to your expectations of a “proper husband” that “first” does his chores around the house in order to ultimately but slowly warm you up to the idea of sex, and then allowing him to proceed with the “correct type” and “sufficient amount” of foreplay enough for you to “maybe” want to have sex and “possibly” desire him sexually before you “even think about” beginning to want sex or desire him sexually is wrong. All that does is reminds him that you don’t desire him. And no amount of your husband “eventually” changing into what you deem a “better husband” is going to convince him that you have changed and now suddenly desire him. If anything, it’s only going to hurt him further. This course of action by wives (and pulpit teaching) causes many husbands to feel as if they need to meet up to their wives “check-off list” before they are worthy of their wives desire. This is a good recipe if you want a husband with no confidence in many areas of life, lack of ambition, depression, possibly cheating and or divorce.
If your husband is already meeting up to your personal expectations or is falling short, show him that you love him and want him, that you really desire him. Show him your love by nurturing your own mind toward him, and then let your actions follow. Allow time for God to speak him. In the mean time , you will have changed for the better. You will in fact begin to crave your husband sexually and you will cling to him even more. Wives may be the weaker vessel, but remember that Eve came out-of Adam. Your weakness originally resided in him. He was the one that first recognized his weakness without a mate while in the garden of Eden. Don’t foster his weakness, instead encourage him by renewing our own mind.
Everything I’ve written equally goes for husbands as well. If you want your wife to want to “look her best” for you, want to be your help mate, have even more desire for you sexually than she already does, then don’t discourage her any more than she already is. You need to renew your own mind as well. The best place for husbands or wives to renewing their minds is to meditate on the Word of God.
Husbands and wives each have their own place in marriage. Set your mind on the things above and everything else will follow in its rightful order.
So are you saying that the wife shouldn’t ‘expect’ her husband to help make it easier for her to want sex? She shouldn’t expect him to listen to her express her needs during sex? But on the other hand, he should expect a reasonable amount of sex regardless of whether or not her ability to enjoy sex is acknowledged and acted upon by him? How can either of them develop a healthy sex life with this one-sided attitude? I disagree with just about everything you have said here.
My wife won’t accept any help. She does acknowledge that she doesn’t want sex, but says she loves me so I get ‘pity sex’ when she says its ok (always knocks me back if I ask). Our relationship is suffering in more ways. I have spoiled her with gifts, flowers, dinners, romantic getaways, spend time with her, give her space and I am lost…I’m searching for help.
Anonymous, I’m not sure if you’ve already read through the many comments that have been posted on this topic to see what others have said that may have helped them, but I’d suggest digging a little deeper on this topic to see if there’s anything you can glean. There are more than 350 comments but if you even went through 25 or so you might find a common theme and some posts that have offered some credible ideas. You are in a tough situation because your wife is resistant to getting help; and from what you shared it’s pretty obvious you’ve knocked yourself out trying to “romance her.”
There’s no doubt that this isn’t fair. When you got married you weren’t thinking it would turn into a sexless marriage. We do have another article that may shed some more light on your problem: https://marriagemissions.com/wife-does-not-want-sex/. In this article there are also links to other articles that may help you as well.
Here’s another resource we talk about on our web site that “might” be helpful. It is called Sexy Marriage Radio and you can find it at: https://smrnation.com. “So what is Sexy Marriage Radio all about? Put simply … sex. There are many resources across the Web about sex. But many (if not most) are not healthy, or appropriate. Sexy Marriage Radio is straight-forward talk about sex and marriage. New shows air each Wednesday. And you don’t even have to visit this web site to listen. You can subscribe for free on iTunes, Blackberry, and Zune.”
This is a free resource and you can listen anywhere in the world.
One more thing: you didn’t say that you were in your post, Anonymous, but if you are a Christ-follower your primary responsibility is to follow the Apostle Paul’s admonition, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25) This is rarely “easy to do,” and for some, like you, it can be extremely difficult to follow through. So, instead of trying to wow or win her with gifts, just shower her her with your love – regardless what she does, or doesn’t do. That’s what Jesus did for us. Those are my thoughts. Hope they help.
Thank you. I will continue to work on this.
So we are a month later from when I posted last. I have done less spoiling, but not to be noticed or be noticeable. I have continued with spending time, trying to balance this by not over doing it. But most importantly, spoken clearly my needs and my love to my wife.
While she still is not ‘into’ sex at the moment, we have covered some huge ground over discussing how her body is ‘going through some stuff’ and possibly pre menopause stuff. BUT we have agreed to have and have been having sex 2 times a week and she is making a huge effort and not making me feel guilty for wanting sex. The other point was that she doesn’t want to talk about it at the moment, just have sex 2 times per week on the same days and we will review it again in a month or 2. So, I call this major progress and I thank you for the input and the comments I have read about others in this situation. I’ll keep you posted :)
Thanks for taking the time to update. It gives hope to others, to keep trying.
One thing, and this is from a female. You may have tried physical affection at other times OUTSIDE of the times you are having sex. Have you? If you haven’t, this can be like ‘priming the engine,’ so to say. I don’t necessarily mean that it will arouse her in the next few hours but to make it a part of how you interact with her from time to time throughout the day.
It’s not walking up to her and holding her at some appointed time of the day but when you are sitting next to her, for example, sometimes my husband will hold my forearm on his leg while we are sitting in church, the movies. Or it can just be holding for a moment as you kiss her in the morning (when she is not rushed trying to make your a luscious breakfast, which I am usually very single minded/focused on making my husband a very nice meal so you may want to try to give her a short hug and kiss before the work begins or at a few seconds). Oh and careful not to approach her from the back while she is doing the dishes. While it may be sexy to some, it can feel weird for some women, when their hands are occupied to be approached from the back.
Another way to touch can be something as placing your hand on her back very lightly as you open a door for her or allow her to pass in front of you as you are walking, holding hands while walking, or just touching her hand for a moment in the day at a time that seems natural to touch her in that way.
POINT: Physical, non sexual touch/affection can be helpful for getting her used to (primed) being in close proximity to your body which can help lead/build to more touching and closeness later in the day/week or to more intimate moments.
My husband had a cocaine addiction earlier in our marriage and I think I still hold resentment because of the many ways he hurt us! He was ugly to me and said many hurtful words then. We never got counseling but he got thru his addiction! I’m 62 and he is 5 years younger. I have no interest in sex and it is painful too.
However I feel I’ve neglected my husband. I don’t like for him to touch me and he feels like he is repulsive to me. That is not the case but I have no desire of any kind. I know we all need to be held and cuddled, but I am fine without that. I feel like any touch will lead to sex and I don’t want it. I however would like to rekindle that part of our relationship.
My wife started hormone replacement therapy. Did wonders for sex drive and painful sex. You need to change your thought patterns concerning your husband if you want to rekindle that part of your relationship.
The talk of BHRT seems to be an answer for those of us without libido. However there are health concerns with BHRT. No matter what the doctors may say we really do not know the long term effect of women having high hormone levels into her old age. Breast cancer is one concern. I then feel resentful that I must do expensive and perhaps not so safe treatment to regain a libido that left at menopause. What a dilemma.
Yes, I do wish Bob’s constant comments about HRT could be disallowed. He shouldn’t be diagnosing and prescribing on a forum like this. HRT has its risks and is not for everyone.
Hey, I am not diagnosing or prescribing anything! This is just my experience with my wife. Plus she works for a OB\GYN, been studied for many years. We were all taking a COVID shot where the paperwork states “FDA has authorized the emergency use of the Moderna COVID-19 Vaccine, which is not an FDA-approved vaccine.”
Rosie, There is hardly a spouse alive who wouldn’t understand why you feel resentment towards your husband because of his past actions towards you when he was addicted to cocaine. We can only imagine how painful this was for you. But Rosie, the question is… how is that working for you by holding onto this resentment? And if you want to “rekindle” the sexual part of your relationship how will this bitterness help you to do so?
As I said before, most anyone of any compassion would understand why you would be bitter over all of your husband’s past actions. But your resentment over the past is poisoning your present and future relationship with your husband. Somehow you need to let the past stay in the past and work instead on what is, and what you want to happen in the future in your marriage relationship. I know this is easier said than done. I’ve been there in holding onto resentments towards abusers from my past. If I told you what they did to me, you and others would absolutely understand my bitterness towards them. It was so extremely difficult to let go of the resentment I felt. But holding onto these humanly “justified” feelings only discolored and poisoned my life all the more. They added nothing positive in any way. The same is true with you. It will just add more and more darkness and destruction.
I came to the place where I asked God to help me to release these toxic feelings. I pleaded with Him, crying out over and over again to help me. And then at one point, I just knew that God was going to help me. I realized at that point that God knew that I would do ANYTHING to get beyond those past nightmares, bitterness, and unforgiveness. And that is true. I couldn’t go on living that way. God let me know that I needed to keep my eyes open and look for His promptings on how to surrender that, which was hurting me more and more each day, and embrace a healthier lifestyle.
So I read everything that I believe He sent my way so I could give eventually give forgiveness and release resentment. God worked through all of it to help me to let go, and let God lead me to a better way of living. It has been so freeing to let go of the past (and yet being smart to always keep my eyes open to any present or future abuse possibilities). I pray that for you.
Rosie, you have two issues here. First, you need to let go of the past. Be smart and make sure you still keep your eyes open to not allow yourself to live in that type of situation again. But don’t put too much energy into it and also, let go of past hurts, surrendering them to God. You may need to go to a counselor to be able to get to this place — particularly a counselor who understand addictive issues. But do what you can to release yourself and your husband. Thankfully, he has broken free of living in that addictive lifestyle. But he will still need help to continue to do so. Do what you can to encourage him to keep living clean. He needs the encouragement of those around him–especially you… the one he would value encouragement from the most. Be his cheerleader in this. This can help him to reach forward to a healthier lifestyle with you and for you.
One thing that can help you with this is to read (and watch) a lot of what we have posted on this web site. I recommend you go to the Bitterness and Forgiveness topic where you will find a lot of different articles, testimonies, quotes, and recommended resources listed. You can find it at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/bitterness-and-forgiveness/. I recommend you start with the Quotes. I believe they will show you how releasing resentment will help YOU more than anyone else. That would be a good starting place for this journey towards freedom. And then go on from there.
And then second, you need to work on your sexual issues with your husband. I believe that as you release resentment, it will be easier to be open to express yourself in making love to your husband. Again, you may need a marriage-friendly counselor to help you with this. We have some articles and also some recommended web site ministries listed in the Sexual Issues topic. You can find these at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/sexual-issues/. Go in and look around (although you really need to work on the resentment issues first). Go into the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of it. And then visit web sites that deal with marital sexual issues. Write to them. They deal with this type of thing quite a bit. They may be able to give you some positive tips and advice to help you. I hope so and pray for you as you do so.
Rosie, I’m so sorry that you lived through what you did. It was certainly unfair and horrible, I’m sure. But I hope you can draw a line in the sand and declare that you will not be a prisoner of past behaviors and will instead reach out, along with your husband, to learn to live in your marriage in healthier, more loving ways. Work toward tearing down separating walls, and build bridges towards walking forward together in whatever ways you can show love and receive it from each other. I pray God’s blessing upon you as you reach out to God to help you to do this.
Thank you for your honesty. If you want to rekindle your love life and your sex life, talk about it. Start simple and set some boundaries that your comfortable with. Tell him what your goal is, but also tell him that it will take time and not to push it.
Until my wife and I had a clear conversation about sex I was lost. We have worked through so much and are still going. We’re not there yet having passionate sex but we are making progress all because we finally talked. She talked and I listened. I talked she listened. Each step is huge but I can tell you from feeling like my wife was repulsed by me made me feel horrible and I was trying so hard. All my effort was in vain until we talked.
She told me she hated sex. After we talked we came up with an agreement on sex that I was happy with and she was happy with. (This took some flexibility on both sides.)
This has been going on for a long time. I have respected what she talked about; my wife has respected me. She has gone out of her comfort zone and so have I.
A week ago (first time in over 3 years) she actually enjoyed sex. We are not all the same, different things work for different people. I’ll say this though. When we spoke about our sex life problems we had more respect for each other’s needs. We have never held hands so much as we do now. We kiss everyday, nothing heavy just connecting. We hug and cuddle regularly. All this took time, but now it had become bonding without effort. Intimacy starts with acknowledgement.
My wife is not a touching person, quite often sitting on the lounge she will ask me to give her space, which I do. 5 minutes later now, she is reaching out for my hand. Time, time, time. Tell your husband that you love him and sirens the rest of your time living each other.
You said you want to rekindle the cuddling but worry that it will lead to sex. One thing, he might like the cuddling too. My husband likes cuddling even if he admits that it can be arousing. However, he has very adamantly said to me, he loves/craves the cuddling too and even though he may become aroused he still wants to cuddle and is willing to control his arousal because he likes the cuddling part too.
So perhaps you could begin by telling him how you really enjoy cuddling with him but worry it will arouse him and would he be interested in cuddling with you a few times a week but without leading to sex.
About the sex drive. I have that problem too. Mostly it’s because of years of being attacked and resentment of having endured that treatment. Yes, I believe my anger for the hurtful behavior towards me still lingers. Even with a lot of his attacks being fewer, it feels like the threat is still there and I am in protection mode. That he might all of a sudden throw out very hurtful comments, which he does less than he used to but when he does, they hurt deeply. After a while, in an effort to protect myself I have found I have hardened or created this veneer to protect myself, I am on the watch “is he going to blow up and say a very stinging comment or am I safe from that emotional pain he delivers?”
Over time one closes themselves off from the person who has or keeps hurting you which does not allow physical intimacy to grow, it stymies it.
So, if he is not hurting you anymore, it may take time to develop that feeling of intimacy by discussion/sharing and working through those lingering thoughts/feelings in a respectful/fair manner with the desire to build rather than tear down each other.
Just maybe that will help build the drive back up. Do remember, your body still likes pleasure. I mean you like a massage, or even sleep (which is a physical form of pleasure), you might like your hair being stroked – all these physical forms of touch can begin to make your body start to respond to more intimate touch. Don’t stop trying. Take little steps to start becoming tuned into what makes you feel ANY kind of physical pleasure even if it is non sexual.
I am a Christian and love this article and truly believe the things it has to say. Sadly, I’ve tried everyone of these suggestions and more to NO avail. He could care less about what I want or need. He actually argues with me about what I need and what I want. What hurts what feels good, what isnt attractive etc. I’m at my wits end and seriously DONT WANT him to touch me.
UGH and yet again the responsibility falls squarely on the woman to fix this. Nope. I’ll tell you what OK, guys, brush and floss your teeth, get your nails and skin fixed up, smile at your wife, tell her some fun stories or jokes. Don’t complain or whine or want to go to 0-60. ask if you can give her a big hug because you just miss it. Then stop. Hand her her magazine/book/wine. Next night do the same, have a great joke ready. Do this every other night. On about the 6th night, smell great, but not too strong. Tell her, I’m at your service. Anything your heart desires forever, how long…. I bet you’ll see an uptick in sex.
Love the advice !!
I am a victim of being rejected by my wife when it comes to sex. But after reading your article I now realize that I have a greater role to play. Please support me in prayer.
Thanks for taking the time to update. It gives hope to others, to keep trying.
My husband had felt like that for many many years. It took him a long time to realise that, his own insecurities and constantly defaulting to something is wrong with him (sulking), to finally accepting I had needs that weren’t being met, not that I was rejecting him. I longed for him to be interested in me emotionally (I’m not much for gifts & constant touching but love being together, planning things & life goals together etc.) and especially to lead me and our childeen spiritually, rather then leaving it all for me to do.
Like another commenter stated, talking (not fighting) was the first step in moving us forward. My husband is a very attractive man physically but there is something incredibly attractive about a man who is sure of who he is in Christ and meets his wife’s needs & leads his family from that place. What a game changer!
I am in peri-menopause at age 49. Ever since this hormonal change my libido is almost non-existent. I don’t FEEL turned on. There is zero sexual arousal present. I plain don’t get horny. I have intimacy with my husband as far as throughout the day we hug, touch, kiss, cuddle. But I don’t even think about sex. Of course this has been a huge strain in our 2 year marriage. I have sex for my husband but I get little out of it. In addition to this physical challenge.
Mentally I am disconnected because of the way my husband likes to have sex. We have discussed this part. Due to a porn addiction, he has sex with me like porn. I don’t feel chemistry, closeness or even like his wife. I feel like a “whore” because there is no foreplay or “loving sex”. He likes to talk dirty perverted fantasies during the whole process, call me names and basically just screw me (that’s how I feel).
I played along during our entire relationship and marriage but it really is not a turn on for me. It’s his way of having sex. He has gained weight so physically it’s been challenging. All of these factors push against our sex life and we have talked and talked and talked about what we can do. I even expressed to him that I prefer making love and I need foreplay. He has never come my direction. I’ve always done it his way. Then he gets an attitude because he thinks if I love him I should have no problem in pleasing him.
I think all these factors in my mind causes my body to shut down too. When we talk about it, then he starts staying things like “If I don’t desire him, I must be desiring someone else”. As a man he doesn’t get the fact that hormonally I don’t desire sex – period. I don’t desire anyone else. I have learned to cherish our intimate moments throughout the day and truthfully I am good.
I am more bothered at his level of frustration with our sex life because he NEEDS sex. I don’t want him to cheat or start looking away so I do what he wants and be done with it. But he says he doesn’t want me to do it and not want it. So I fake it. I really want to fix this but I am so discouraged. I don’t know what to do any more. I just want us to be ok in this area.
My 56 yr old wife felt like you do about sex drive. She started HRT. I almost can’t keep up. The porn issue is a tough one. Does he still look at it? He needs a recovery group for that. Gaining weight? He needs to lose weight. Does he need sex? Yes, it helps us guys keep our eyes & thoughts at home.
Being only 55 I have lost interest. I have issues with things he does that I find unhealthy for our marriage. I have been honest and pin pointed those certain things and got no response and now he is distant. I was honest and kept it about ME, not him but that those certain things have taken my want to be intimate with him. I love him but don’t want to just go through the motions. My heart and mind can’t get past what he knows and has known for a long time is not and will never be right for me.
I guess secrets that I thought were over still linger and also there is no lead up to sex, just roll over. I deserve more. I pray and have been honest and now leave him in God’s Hands. I won’t pester him on this and will give him space but I do feel relieved I was honest.
Worst advice I have read. Dont write with a lack with bias and a desire to justify your position. Marriages are most often bad BECAUSE the wife emasculated her husband. Read Dr. Laura’s book to learn the simplicity of men. Husband’s get even more hurt and angered when wives continue to make excuses and change the reasons why. Its selfishness, plain and simple, and lying makes us feel even more distrusting and cheated on emotionally. Women are given way too much of a free pass in society today. God will judge, but I would not want to be preaching why it’s ok to be selfish and manipulating God’s holy words.
Concerned Husband in the US… I agree. I am a single, never-married woman who happened to fall for a married man who’s wife had lost interest in him sexually after 10 yrs of marriage. Met him at work, we had a strong attraction & became friendly, & he opened up to me.
I have not seen him now in over a year. My job there was only temporary, and he chose not to keep in touch with me (I’m assuming out of guilt because I let him hug me on several occasions and he kissed me once and I let it happen, unfortunately. He might have thought I’d be easy – which I’m not. I’ve not been in a relationship in 17 years.
Nevertheless, I was, and still am very much in love with him (the sparks just flew for us and I’ve never had these kind of feelings for any past BF in my life. I just wish to leave him alone for now and work on me. I’ve kept in touch with another employee there periodically and hear he’s working during this pandemic while others in his department are working from home.
Over a year ago, he’d told me he will not stay in the marriage if it continued the way it’s been. I can’t help by hope that because of the way his wife treats him, that one or both may decide to part ways one day. I will at some point go see him to see how he’s doing. And depending on how he reacts (to seeing me after all this time), I might give him my current contact info. He’d given me his email, but I never written him because he was reluctant to keep in touch when I went to the other office within our company (temporary as well). I’d initialed any Instant messages periodically.
I respect marriage and I would never let this happen to me (deprive my husband of sex as often as he wants it – did I mention that this guy is gorgeous. The woman is a fool); but some women (from what I read here) have problems / issues – that I don’t know if can be resolved. He is free to work on his marriage of course, but if it is her and she doesn’t love him, or does not want to be close to him (in a sexual way), then he might meet somebody else one day and fall in love – and I don’t want to lose him to some other woman.
It’s been hard for me to meet available men in the last several years (I don’t do online dating, don’t want to meet strangers). And even in my 20s, 30s, it was hard to meet a man where we both liked/loved each other equally (so for marriage). God knows what I’ve been through. I loved my 1st BF very much at age 19, 20 – but he met someone at work, she went after him, he eventually left me and ended up marrying her (I found out online years later), but she died 2 years ago, I read online when googling his name. He was with her for some 30 yrs, and with me for 1 and a half yrs. So go figure… how things turned out. And now I’ve met someone who Tops him (my 1st love) in every way. If I had known both men at the same time, I’d choose this guy from my former job. He is everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a man by far.
California Gal, be careful. Whatever happens with this man and his wife, they are one flesh until one of them passes away. The Lord will always desire them to reconcile. We don’t know what He may be doing to make that happen. If other people come between them it hampers the possibility of reconciliation. There is another man out there for you. Whatever happens with this man, please do not think of him as available.
What about score keeping? My wife thinks she cannot receive oral without having to give and vice versa, regardless of how much I refute it. It gives me so much pleasure to please her sexually. She doesn’t even want sex and never initiates it. She has but rarely. I have just given up asking or trying. She gets so upset if I bring it up in any way. I have no idea what to do other than continued prayer. Married barely 6 months, by the way.
James, I’m sorry that you find yourself in this place with your wife–especially so early in your marriage. I encourage you to not score keep. Just try to do the best you can with this situation. Continued prayer is essential. But so is staying morally strong when you are tempted to “find help” in ways that you shouldn’t. I realize that this would be tempting, but please don’t let your standards be compromised over this very painful issue.
I have to say that it took me a long, long time before I “got it” as far as the importance of making love with my husband when I “didn’t feel like it.” His sex drive was much higher than mine and it was a continual struggle–especially since I had past abusers that caused a lot of pain earlier in my life. His approaches eventually caused memory triggers. I got to the place where I shut down too many times. I thought my husband should be more understanding. So I felt justified. But it was wrong. I write about this in a few articles posted on this web site. Eventually I woke up and worked on my end of things.
I highly recommend that you look through the articles we have posted in the Sexual Issues topic at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/sexual-issues/. See if you can find any articles that might help you in some way. I pray for you James. I pray for your wife that she wakes up and realizes that making love is a normal part of married life and will work with you on this. Please stand strong.
You got deceived my man; betcha she promised you the moon sexually and once the ring was on and the vows said and the honeymoon was over she was crawdaddying back on her commitment, amirite? Least that’s how it was for me; hopefully not in your case.
I agree we are in a culture of emasculating men and then wanting them to man up. However I don’t believe the article was bias or giving women a free pass. Each has a mutual responsibility, one to another. It is not easy and many of us here know that the struggle is real. However, blaming the other is never the answer. I have a part to play, my husband has a part to play.
If we are both good willed people there is no reason to not continue to work through it together, rather then outputting the responsibility on one partner. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs Book by Emerson Eggerichs is a great book. It is not predominantly about sex but it is the prerequisite understanding of haxing an amazing intimate sexual relationship with your spouse. I must first look at my own heart before I point the finger at my spouse.
Canada, good response; sometimes our own attitude toward our spouse is the cause of issues. Not the spouse themselves. It is usually not an overnight change that makes us not want sex with our spouse. It was a journey of griping, complaining, comparing with other friends about your spouse.
So you don’t believe the article was biased or was giving women a free pass? Lemme guess…you’re a woman. Amirite?
🙄
Hello, thanks for the article. I read this as a husband that is having this issue with my wife. She is having back pain, however even before the back problems there always seems to be some kind of excuse to avoid making love. I’m 40 she is 38; we have a daughter. On average we were making love maybe once a month. I’m to the point I hate to even bring it up because the rejection hurts.
I try to stay physically fit, I work 2 jobs, and she is out of work right now. A year ago she was feeling good, exercising and I ended up finding out she had a secret face book account with 1 friend – her ex. When I confronted her she denied it, but eventually admitted it and said it was just a harmless conversation. This actually was the 2nd fake account; I found one back in 2016 when the same thing occurred with the same guy. I probably should have left last year, but I wanted to keep our family together. I have resentments though due to this and due to the lack of intamacy. Honestly I have thought about going outside the relationship, but I don’t want to. I’m struggling, I would be totally open to counseling, but she is not.
Pat, No need to “go outside” the relationship; give her an ultimatum that either she gets help with whatever issues she is having and STOP the online emotional affairs or YOU WILL LEAVE. And then don’t back down. P.S. Get your finances in order b/c she could skin you alive in divorce court.
This article was very informative and helpful! My husband and I got married this past October (4 months ago) and he hasn’t had any ambition to get a job. He recently graduated May 2020 with his bachelors in Public Health Science and had grants that helped pay for bills so I didn’t really complain that he didn’t have a job while he completed school.
I have tried to have multiple conversations with him and he seems compliant to play xbox and be a perpetual student. He just signed up for more classes for a new certification. We have been living at my parents house while we save up for a house, and I am finding myself paying for all of our necessities, including paying off anything he puts on his credit cards. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and am feeling like my current husband is a, for lack of better words, “man child” and I am very turned off by his immature behaviors and lack of ambition to help our family get a house a move forward.
He has no problem staying up until 3 am playing xbox and sleeping in until noon. I pull very long days at work and am very turned off sexually by his behaviors. Anytime I try to have a conversation with him he just goes right to, “If you aren’t happy than leave” or he will talk down to me like I am being unreasonable. I am going to be 33 this year, I have a 10 year old daughter and am extremely frustrated feeling like I am the only responsible party in this relationship.
Bottom line, I feel like he is a child and I am completely turned off by him. Please help. I have reached out to our Christian Counselor and our Pastor. Disclaimer, we have been together for 5 years and when I first met him, he was living at his mother’s house and working 3 jobs. I assumed he was saving up and when we got the full scholarships to school I wasn’t concerned, knowing his previous work history. I feel blindsided by the big “talk” he had and the lack of “action” he is now showing. I simply don’t know what to do.
He says, “If you aren’t happy than leave” …Ok, lets see:
1. You 2 are living in YOUR parents house and he says, ‘leave’?
2. You are paying all the bills while he lays around?
3. He was 27 & living at his parents house? (red flag)
4. 33 years old and still going to school? (another red flag)
Sounds like it is time for a ‘come to Jesus’ talk and go to work. He will just get mad and go back to mama’s house. Part of me says throw all his stuff on the sidewalk, another says to be kind and loving but let him know it’s time to grow up.
My husband won’t take a shower and he also has erectile dysfunction. I’ve gotten to the point I don’t love him anymore and I feel sickened to even touch him in any kind of way. So what do I do?
Remember, marriage is for better or worse. This is were love needs to be applied. Start with his area of interest to get his attention. Then use this to get him responding to you. This will require patience. Even the best marriages have their worse times.
Are you serious? Invading her body? Scripture? Please be more respectful of the intelligence of your audience.