How do you deal with the situation, where you feel that verbal abuse is being thrown at you within your marriage? And how do you know if this isn’t just a “normal” matter of one spouse disagreeing with the other? Plus, there is also the matter of emotional abuse. There’s no doubt that both of these are destructive for you and your marriage relationship.
One thing we do here at Marriage Missions is to hunt for information that will best help spouses to understand the different aspects of marriage. This way each marital situation can be approached prayerfully, carefully, and better educated. The goal is to be led by our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to do what He shows is best.
Clarification Concerning Verbal Abuse And Emotional Abuse
With that in mind, we want to first deal with the topic of emotional abuse. It’s important to clarify what it is and what can be done about it. And then we’ll go on to the topic of verbal abuse. You can have one directed at you without the other, and yet, they often overlap.
First of all, we encourage you to pray before reading —that the eyes of your heart and mind will humbly be open to comprehend what God wants for you to know.
“Good and upright is the LORD.
Therefore He instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them His way.”
(Psalm 25:8-9)
Secondly, it’s important to recognize emotional abuse for what it is. Dr Barbara Shaffer asks the questions:
“Can you identify a symptom of emotional abuse? More importantly can you define emotional abuse or identify any of its forms?”
To obtain some answers, please click onto the link below to read:
• CAN YOU IDENTIFY A SYMPTOM OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
More on Emotional Abuse
Next, it’s important to know even more about this type of abuse. Counselor, and author Leslie Vernick explains much more about emotional abuse in her book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Verbal Abuse
And that takes us to the issue of verbal abuse. Most often it overlaps with emotional abuse. But here’s a little peak into the way relationship expert, Leslie Vernick, explains it:
“Cursing someone out is bigger than just using four-letter words. Cursing someone is condemning him or her as if you’re their judge or even their god. When someone does that he (or she) believes they’re the superior one; and as such have the right to cast “judgment” on another’s character, personhood, or even actions in a demeaning or derogatory way. The Bible speaks to this kind of person. Jesus says, ‘If you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell” (Matthew 5:22).
First, Concerning Verbal Abuse:
“It’s helpful to make a distinction between an abusive incident and an abusive relationship. Since we are all sinners, we are all capable of some verbal abuse. (James 3:2). James also cautions believers that our tongue can be misused as a weapon to hurt other people. (Yes, the Bible speaks of emotional and verbal abuse). James describes it this way. He says the tongue is ‘restless and evil full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father; and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!‘ (James 3:8-10). He also warns that if we ‘claim to be a believer and don’t control our tongue, we are lying to ourselves and to others‘ (James 1:26).
“Therefore, when someone who claims to be a Christian sins and verbally curses someone out, or just says something hurtful, he or she should immediately recognize that he has crossed a line and used his tongue as a weapon for harm. James clearly says this is not right. As does Paul in Romans 13:10 when he says, ‘Love does no harm.‘
“Once that line has been crossed, a sincere apology should be given; repentance before the Lord should occur and a strong effort to never repeat that kind of abusive speech should be made. However, when abusive behavior/speech happens again and again and again, then it’s not just simply crossing the line and being a sinner. It is being an unrepentant sinner who refuses to submit himself under the authority of God.” (From Leslie’s article, “Emotional and Verbal Abuse”)
Verbal Abuse: Intimidation and Bullying
So, what do you do when there is verbal abuse, intimidation, and bullying in your marriage? And what exactly IS bullying? Dr Juli Slattery says the following:
“Intentionally or not, a bully uses intimidation and coercion to get his or her way. Yes, women can be bullies too. A wife can skillfully use emotional coercion like humiliation and cynicism. She does this to ‘punish’ a husband who isn’t ‘behaving’ according to her desires. I’ve met powerful, competent men who panic at the thought of crossing their wives. Is this normal conflict or bullying?”
That’s an important question to consider. To help you with this issue, Dr Slattery recommends reading the following books. We also recommend them:
As far as emotional abuse (including bullying), author Mary Yerkes describes it this way:
“Emotional abuse leaves few physical scars. Its victims suffer no broken bones, torn flesh or spilled blood. Still, those wounded might describe it as the most painful and destructive form of domestic violence.”
Additional Information to Help You
To discover what Mary lived through and learned about this form of abuse, we direct you to a posted article for Focus on the Family. After reading the article, also read the additional articles they suggest in the series. We believe they will help you gain a fuller picture of this type of abuse:
• UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Christian counselor, Dr Barbara Shaffer writes the following concerning emotional abuse. (It comes from the article, “Emotional Abuse: The Abuse Beneath Abuse.”)
Dr Shaffer writes:
“Abuse in the context of an intimate relationship involves a persistent pattern of behaviors. It is not simply a mistake. Nor is it an isolated incident or a sudden loss of control. The goal that motivates all forms of abuse is to exercise power and to control…
“Physical abuse can leave bruises, and break bones. It can cause various permanent, structurally based impairments, like hearing and memory loss. These observable signs of impact signal the need for healing, assistance, protection, and safety. In contrast, emotional abuse is characterized by invisibility and great subtlety. It leaves no obvious mark that would call attention to injury, danger or the need for intervention. Although abuse comes in varied shapes, intensities, and every forms, it has an emotional component.
Definition: What exactly is emotional abuse?
“Emotional abuse is foundationally an attitude of entitlement and profound disrespect. It discounts at every turn the inherent right of the other person to dignity, separateness and autonomy. The other person is seen as only a contemptible object. Out of entitlement and disrespect spring the various behaviors that use anger, violence and/or contempt to induce fear, guilt and shame. The other person is thereby controlled, punished, or demeaned.”
Additionally, here’s something Kerby Anderson points out that is important to note:
Verbal Abuse Doesn’t Leave Evidence
“Almost everyone knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering. It doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation. In this article, tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers.”
To learn what Kerby Anderson goes on to explain, read this Probe Ministries article:
“Harsh words can destroy your marriage. Here’s how to defuse verbal abuse.”
Dealing with Verbal Abuse
If you do want to know how to deal with and defuse verbal abuse we recommend that you prayerfully read the following articles. We need to tell you that they are not Christian articles per se. But they are very good ones. So, if you read something within them that you feel God would object to, please disregard that particular piece of advice. But overall, most of the advice can be very valuable. As you will see, one article will lead to links to others to read. Please read all you can. It’s important to glean through what you read to decide what will work for you in your marriage.
The articles we recommend you read are:
• YOUR VERBALLY ABUSIVE WIFE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Also, the ministry of All About Life Challenges can help you to better recognize verbal abuse. They also show you ways to avoid depression and find hope. This is important when you feel beaten up verbally. To learn more, please read:
Lastly, the following scripture is something you may find helpful to pray:
“Guard my life and rescue me.
Let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
“May integrity and uprightness
protect me,
because my hope is in you.”
(Psalm 25:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International compiled this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) I need some advice, my husband of 17 yrs is emotionally and verbally abusive. I am walking on egg shells on a daily basis. My mind and being physically drained. My husband went into midlife crisis last year and changed into a angry, verbally abusive man. He had numerous sexual affairs with younger women and visited sexual one night stands websites. He separates himself as roommates with me, I can’t ask for money without going ballistic on me. I cry so much, because he has numerous secrets that he denies when I confront him, I also believe he has fathered a child and is married to someone else, a double life. I have no proof, but there is more going on than he’s telling me. He calls me a manipulator and a con. I am not allowed to express my feelings or hurts because he told me to keep them bottle up, he won’t listen. Everthing is about him, he lives in his own world; I am only a person who takes his abuse.
(USA) My husband is from West Africa. Before we married he was this ray of sunshine, always making me feel on top of the world. But now, ever since we married, he completely changed, He tells me I’m fat, that I have an anger problem. I even really watched the way I talk to him. But now it’s that I’m asking stupid questions or talking when it’s not necessary.
And when I tell him that he is hurting me, or if I even shed a tear, he calls me out that I’m always crying, I will never be happy. He says he is the only man alive that would ever deal with me. No man will want me because I have a kid. Whats worse, when we went to our immigration interview, I found out he was here illegally. For two years before we met, his student visa had been expired.
I’m so lost on what to do. He scares my son and my son (who is 4) never wants to be left alone with him. I need advice. I feel I’d be shamed if I tried to divorce, or that he is right, that no one will want me. But more importantly, would God want me to leave, or to stay and fix it? How can I possibly fix this? please help.
I also want to add that he is Muslim, and I am a Christian. I can’t ever say anything to him or ask him anything without him blowing up at me. He leaves and refuses to tell me where he is. He tells me that it’s only a privilege for me to know, and I don’t deserve to know. He pretty much does everything but hit me, which who knows, could be the next step. Please any advise on this. It would be greatly appreciated!
Kimberly, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what comes to mind that I believe I would do, as I pray about your situation. I would find a good time (being prayerful about it) to talk to my husband. I wouldn’t cry or beg or whatever. I proceed to talk in holy confidence. I would tell him that I am a human being worthy of respect, just as he is. I would tell him that previously he treated me in loving ways –he brought sunshine into my life and made me feel cherished. But for a long time now, I’ve felt like my feelings have been minimized and I haven’t been treated like a wife, but as a slave to his dictates. I would tell him that I need this to stop because we can’t go on like this. That’s not what marriage is all about –it’s about partnership. And then I would see what his reaction is (which I would guess, would be negative). If his reaction is positive, then you need to talk about the future together and how you want the past to be the past and to move forward in a positive way in the future –with no more name-calling or secretive behavior.
If his reaction is negative, then I wouldn’t say much. This is not about getting into a major confrontation on this. I would either have him make the choice to leave or I would find the right time to leave. (Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic to decide how to best protect yourself and to determine the boundaries you need to set in place for the future.) I wouldn’t tell him of my plans to leave until I’d already done it. Leaving a note with a phone number to contact you would be fine. I wouldn’t give him my address right away. It’s hard to say what he would do at that point. His profile sounds like one who could go into violence at some point. Phone calls would be my only contact information I would give him in the beginning. You need to protect yourself and your 4-year old as best as you can.
If the phone calls seem to go well (after a while), where he wakes up and is treating me as a human being again –instead of an unloved dog, then I would meet him only in public places for a while. I would be praying A LOT to have insight and discernment as to whether or not his change around is genuine. And then you can progress from there.
Kimberly, from what you’ve disclosed, this situation is not about you –it is about him. I may be wrong but it appears that he is a user and abuser. He wants what he wants when he wants it and he doesn’t hesitate to do what it takes to be able to get what he wants. If he wants a slave-wife, I’m not thinking that you want to be in that place, nor do you want that type of behavior modeled for your son. And you certainly don’t want to help him to immigrate to the U.S. if that is the type of behavior he is putting forth. It’s toxic. If he realistically changes, that’s one thing, but right now, his behavior is unacceptable on so many levels.
As for his telling you that no one would want you because you have a kid –you need to look around you. Others have children and yet they have men that want them. That is a ploy to control you by negating your worth. Your worth is not in having a man want you, but rather about who you are in Christ. You have reason to proceed in confidence for that reason alone, let alone any others. Please read the article on our web site, Living in Confidence Because of Who You Are in Christ. I’m hoping it will give you confidence. You have a lot of praying to do and asking the Lord for wisdom for the future, because you need to stop this progression of unhealthiness in how you and your husband are living out your lives together.
Don’t even think about divorce at this point. Think about safety, and living in confidence with certain reasonable expectations of not being treated disrespectfully. From there, God will guide you as to what to do in the future, just He will guide you right now. None of this will be easy, but neither is the life you’re living right now. You need to put things in place so you are able to “live a life of love” (as the Bible tells us to), within the home you make with your son. If your husband wants to join you in that loving home life, then GREAT! If not, God will guide you accordingly. I pray so. I also pray for you and for your son. I hope your husband makes better choices in his lifestyle and joins you in a good way, instead of a toxic one. If not, I pray the Lord guides and protects you.
(USA) I understand, what all of you all are feeling. There was emotional abuse in my house as a child. My father was a alcoholic.I will be 40 and the wounds have never healed. I can tell all of you all though you are great people. Hope is all we have! Personally I would get out of those relationships!
(AMERICA) My husband calls me fat and stupid. He had a tantrum on Sunday night and did over 1000 dollars worth of damage to our home. He broke two I-Pads and yanked all the phones out of the walls. He says it is all my fault — but if it’s my fault why am I the one whose belongings are broken and whose ribs he broke?
(INDIA) Hi Lady, Greetings in Christ! If this is the first time he ever behaved like this, then you both have to sought your differences; find out why he behaved like this & try to set right things through prayer & mutual submission in Christ & his very definition of love.
Anyway, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re not stupid. You’ll have to stand up for this kind of violence. You’re a human being and not a piece of log to take such physical abuse. Seek immediate help from a local church, and arrange counselling (you both have to be part of it). Pray about the situation, and try to be nice to him & see if you notice a gradual change in your siuation. If that fails, seek help from your close ones in Christ, whom you trust. If all avenues fail and he continues to be in this manner that endangers your life at any point, feel free to call 911.
May GOD help you in your situation and bring you both as family closer to him & may you seek his wisdom and love and continue to grow spiritually to defeat that is of the world through prayers & fellowship in Christ. God bless!!
(USA) I have been married 31 yrs, and I have been verbally abused by my husband seems like forever. When I try to confront him about his name calling, lack of affection, or his nasty disposition his reply is “it’s your fault I treat you this way.” In my desperation of trying to save my marriage I have looked for God, and have dedicated myself to prayer.
But, I believe the emotional scars are so deep, that at times I believe what he is constanting telling me, and this is how it goes. “You’ll never leave me, you have no place to go” or “You’ll never find anyone that can love you, cause you’re always sick… who will Love a sick woman?” I pray every night for God to give me patience and understanding of this man that I so much love but am not in love with. Because I believe marriage is Holy and a blessing from God that’s why I have not left this man, but it’s getting to a point, it’s either stay in the marriage and lose my sanity or leave and save it. Lord please help me. I think I’m going crazy…
(UNITED STATES) Hi Helen, our situations sound extremely similar. I have only been married for 8 months and everything is a constant argument. He blames me for all the problems in our relationship and says I have mental problems and need to go and get help. Instead of working with me he says until he sees a change in me, he is not able to be the loving husband that he knows I am dying to have. He is a very romantic guy but is not able to be this way with me because I don’t give him a warm and fuzzy feeling.
Basically, I have been almost completely shut out of his life, we rarely communicate and he rarely is affectionate with me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I have been basically begging him for love for yrs now and have tried telling him my spirit is almost completely broken. There are times I am so sad I cannot stop crying and he tells me to shut up or go upstairs because I am annoying him.
If I accused him of emotional abuse he would probably be appalled and say that I have driven him to this point. Every once in awhile the man I fell in love with comes out and pours a small amount of hope into my body, but at this point I don’t want to waste many years to be unhappy, unloved and lonely!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband drinks constantly, talks about himself, career and his future constantly and doesn’t have anything good to say to me or the kids. He complains 99% of the time and if I get to say 2 words, that is a lot. We are both Christians, we go to church and I feel like such a hypocrite.
People look up to us as a couple. If only they knew the abuse I have to endure. The only time he is nice to me is when he wants to have sex. I cannot call it lovemaking, sorry. I turned 40 recently and ask myself everyday if I am wasting my life on someone who doesn’t even know I exist? I know that where I currently am is God-destined ,but I am sooooo unhappy. I take it one day at a time. I spend all my time either with my kids (most important), my work and out in the community doing charity work. Does anyone have a word of advice for me please?
(USA) Tania – Continue to do things on your own that makes you happy and focus on them, that will give you strength. Make friends outside your marriage and talk to those people when your husband doesn’t allow you to talk.
I was in a similar situation and I realized that I was allowing his bad behavior to ruin my life and I wasn’t going to do it anymore. Now I spend a lot of my time with other family and friends, and doing work that I enjoy. One day if I decide to leave, I will have a great support group for me and he will have no one because he will have driven them all away with his abuse.
(USA) I’m not allowed friends; I want to die!
(US) Please help me<< I’m worthless. I run 2 businesses (law firms). Nothing is good enough. Either I’m fat, ugly or just too Stupid.
(USA) Everyday I wonder what is he going to yell at me about today? What little thing is going to make him so mad he is going to call or text me with the most obscene language and name calling. Telling me I am a waste of time, a man’s worst nightmare or like putting perfume on a pig. Or that I’m fat, ugly, my hair is awful…etc it goes on and on. Never ever does he say anything nice or even slightly complimentary. He disects everything I say and do and finds some reason to release his rage on me. He looks at porn all the time and then physically picks me apart. I used to work out like a crazy person but with 4 kids it is a bit harder. I know he is embarassed about the way I have gained weight and the way I look but I don’t deserve this. I quit work at his request, but NOW I am thinking it was just his way of completely controlling me. I cannot spend a dime. I feel like I am wasting away and I have no love in my life. I feel empty and hurt. Our 13th anniversary is tomorrow, and tonight he has been so very hurtful and mean all night. I don’t know what to do anymore.
(KENYA) Thank God for this website and the many encouragements that I read. My problem is that I am married with 2 beautiful babies for the last 7 yrs and ever since my hubby has been unfaithful. He is always remorseful of his acts but never changes coz I always find out of his infidelity again and again.
I dont want to hurt my lovely blessings from God (children) by leaving this relationship. Is it wise to deny him sex because in the evidence of his infidelity? I always get to know that he uses condoms but I am afraid of other STI’s transmitted through kissing (snog). How can you advise me? I am very desperate! God bless you even as you plan to give me some advice.
Dear Emmy, I’m so sorry that your husband is disrespecting you and your marriage and your children, and our God so much in that he has cheated on you, as he has. My heart goes out to you. This is horrible on so many levels. I’m so, so sorry.
The question you ask is what you can do about his behavior and protecting yourself from the many diseases he can bring to you. Emmy, this man is leaving your covenant relationship and is having sex with others –disregarding the sanctity of your marriage bed. He is disregarding the fact that he is to protect you in every way, as your husband –especially from disease. He is exposing you and your children to added heart-break, disease and possibly death.
A condom does not bring complete protection. Even in the case of birth control, it is not 100%. Ask any doctor (one that is truthful). What makes us be so disillusioned to think that it can protect a person 100% from AIDS? And we KNOW that it also does not protect a person from STI’s. Everything these women have, as far as disease, that he cheats with, can potentially infect him, which can infect you. As a result, you and these beautiful babies become victimized further. These diseases can cause you great harm and can also kill you, which can ultimately rip you from their arms to love and care for them. And don’t tell me that a man who cheats on you, won’t take added risks, as far as sometimes not using a condom or using it only partially (which gives lesser protection). A man who will cheat one way, can lie in another.
I can’t tell you what to do Emmy. But I believe with all of my heart that no matter what, if I were in your place I would not have sex with my husband until I was 100% sure that he was clean of STI’s and STD’s (there is testing for that), and I was sure beyond a shadow of doubt that he was living a faithful life in our marriage. There would be all kinds of boundaries and protective hedges and accountability guidelines in place and TRUE repentance lived out –not just spoken or cried out, but lived out. If he has nothing to hide, he will hide nothing. If he was secretive in even the minutest way… if he was not 100% above-board and showing himself to be transparent –a man of integrity, I would not have sex with him. No way! I am a child of God and my body is a sanctuary for the Holy Spirit. I would not allow that filth and dirt to be put into me, which is what it would be, if my husband is a cheater and is not living a life of a faithful, God-loving, honorable man. And I would not allow him to put me at risk so that my children become orphans.
He could plead, beg, cry, rant, rave or whatever, but my heart and my body and the home we share with our children is not to be a place where a cheater, an infidel, is to take advantage. God hates adultery, and so do I. And I would not expose my children to it. If a spouse wants to play games and cozy up to someone else, he will have to live that life apart from me and my children. He has made his choice and his choice does not include me.
Today, I would draw a line in the sand and tell him to make his choice. It’s a choice that comes with a price. Either he submits to the medical tests and THEN we see… and he becomes 100% transparent SHOWING himself every day… day-in-and-day out, that he is done flirting, done texting, done calling or visiting, done being with other women, done staying out late away from the family, done with any type of behavior that can lead to cheating –or he has made his choice NOT to enjoy making love to me. If he bends any of this in any way, he is out in the cold. He would be making his choice known by his actions and I would make mine known in releasing him to his sin. That’s how I see it Emmy. Pray about it and see if you don’t think this is what God would have you do. And keep in mind the life and death issues involved here –spiritually and physically. I pray the Lord gives you the insight and strength and comfort, and empowering you need to take care of yourself and your children. You are precious in God’s sight!
(US) I keyed in “God help me my husband hates me” and I found you guys. As I read all your stories I wonder if in my case it’s me that is just a baby. My problem is my husband never acknowledges me unless I make the effort…no morning or evening hello or goodbye kisses. He says that he know how much I love it so when I don’t do things he expects done he purposely holds back. He’s an only child and his dad died when he was 18. He works very hard and makes good money, pays all the bills and my small pay is for odds and ends for the house and kids. So far that sounds ok but then there are the crazy things like locking me out of a hotel room during an overnight stay when there was a death in my family (we were at a hotel where many were staying). He wanted me to go sleep in the car. I ended up in the bathtub with blankets over my head so he couldn’t hear me snore or when I knocked my self out accidentally and he just continued working at his desk. My sister came to get me and when I got home everything was pitch dark, not even the porthole lite was on. I can go on and on but this week is my 25th birthday and he wants nothing to do with it, so here I am hating myself thinking I could have been a better wife…but I don’t know what I did wrong. If I get home late from the kids games and dinner is not ready he makes me cook, but then goes to bed because it’s too late. It is stupid things like that makes me think maybe it’s me.
(INDIA) I am not able to understand whether I’m in an emotional abuse situation or not. My husband when gets angry and threatens me to divorce. When I cry he denies that he said that. He lies a lot and says abusive things to me and then denies that he ever said that. It makes me mad. He abuses my parents. He says I love my parents more than him. He blames me for anything goes that goes wrong. I’m fed up of his lies. He keeps saying that he loves me a lot but he tries to control me at times. His father was also like that. According to him he is my husband so whatever he says I have to do.
Before marriage I was a very cheerful, happy girl and had a social circle. Now I’m even afraid of checking Facebook. When I was at my parent’s house he hacked my email, and Facebook so that I can’t enjoy it. When I go to my parent’s house, the very next day he says that if I love him I will come back. I’m not living with him now. He cries and says to me to come back, not realising his mistake of blaming me for everything. What am I to do??? Help me in telling me whether I go back or not.
Star, From the little detail that you give in your comment, it appears that your husband does not know how to treat you in the way you feel you need. That’s pretty obvious. I’m not sure if he even could treat you in that way. I don’t know you and your expectations –whether they’re realistic and I don’t know him and whether his expectations are realistic, plus whether he can give you what you feel you need. But it appears that he’s confused. He saw what his father did and from what he perceives, he believes it’s the way he should act with his wife, as well. I’m not sure if what is going on between you is a cultural thing (paternal dominance), and/or a matter of gender differences being lived out and you’re misunderstanding each other because of them, and/or whether it’s a control thing where there actually is some type of abuse going on, and/or if there’s totally unrealistic expectations going on by one or both of your parts, or what. We’re not all-knowing and all-seeing. I don’t want to be quick to judge here. I recommend you pray about it –asking God to help you to be as objective as you can be, considering the circumstances. Ask God for insights as to any changes that should and can be made.
Whatever is happening, it’s obvious that you and your husband have a lot of communication walls that have built up between you. Somehow, if it is possible, you need to try to find ways to build relationship bridges that could help you become a marital team, rather than acting like opponents. I encourage you to prayerfully read more on our web site about communication and gender differences and such to try to understand your husband more. Because I don’t know if this is an abusive situation, I would recommend that you pray and ask God for wisdom as to what may work for you, as to your approach to communicating your needs to your husband and understanding his. If you can get him to do the same for you, that would definitely be best.
And then I recommend that you meet together for small talks in places that are public so that there isn’t as much of a possibility of your “discussions” erupting into volatile clashes. These should be shorter times, perhaps at a restaurant or a public meeting place or so. If these eventually go well (you have to know that the first times may not… but try, try again, if you can) this could lead to longer times where you go out together socially, as well as talking about how you can better work through your issues as two married people who love and care for each other. You can progress from there, if and when it’s possible. That’s the best that I can recommend. I hope this helps. I know this seems like a simplistic answer, but I’m praying above all, for God to lead you and to help you and your husband build relationship bridges, as you follow Him.
(U.S.) I’ve been married 11 years and my wife curses at me constantly in front of the kids; it hurts and at least
four times a month she yells that she wishes she never married me. It really hurts to hear her say those things. I do everything she asks but it still won’t stop. I pray to my God Jehovah constantly for help; what else can I do?
(CANADA) Please help me, I am so drained and wish I was dead; seriously I wish I would never wake up. I am 46 yrs old and married 6 yrs. Whenever my husband has any small reason to be mad at me, he calls me hurtful names, racist names (he is white and I am brown). Lately he just sleeps in the living room. He is very controlling. I can’t see my friends or family, and he won’t let me take my car on my day off to do anything like even go see my godchild or go window shopping with my mom. I love him like crazy and don’t believe in divorce. This is tearing me apart. I can’t stop crying …help.
He takes the car to work and won’t drive me. He expects me to take the bus. He won’t do anything with my friends who are also married with kids. If he does he only goes for 1 hr or makes me promise I won’t ask him to do anything for another year. I cannot go anywhere without him always yelling at me. He treats me like a little kid. I really cannot take his abuse anymore. I wish I was dead cause I have no reason to live.
Sherry, my heart goes out to you. This sounds more like slavery than a marriage. I understand your stance of not believing in divorce. But who says you have to go to that extreme (at least at this point)? You need to deal with the control and abuse issues going on in your home. You are not a “little kid” and you have LOTS of reasons “to live.” Please don’t entertain those thoughts. It’s not that I don’t understand that mindset, with all you have and are going through, but you need to shake those thoughts out of your head. They are destructive in every way.
It sounds like your husband has serious anger issues, and whether you are brown or white or purple, your color should not matter. Those that think it does, are narrow-minded. He needs a serious wake-up call so he stops treating you in this degrading manner.
As I just wrote to another woman on this web site, I encourage you to look through the links we provide in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. I encourage you to find a few of those web sites where you could contact them in some way with the information you gave us. Also, we have a lot of articles in the Abuse topic, which would be good for you to read so you can better protect yourself and you can better understand what abuse is and what the mind-set and posturing of an abuser. Plus, surely there are abuse centers in Canada, where you could talk to a counselor there, so they can help you to figure out a plan so you can stop this cycle of abusive control. Focus on the Family -Canada, may know of a counselor for you to talk to. Just search for them on the Internet and find a way to contact them. They don’t believe in divorce either, but they do believe in stopping abuse. I have a feeling that they could help you to reach out for the right type of help.
Perhaps you will have to move in with your mom or someone so you can find a way to separate from your husband, at least long enough to wake him up to see that he has to stop this type of behavior. But I would talk to an abuse counselor about that because as you talk to them, they can better discern if you would be safe in moving away, for at least a while.
Somehow, your husband needs to realize that you are a wonderful creation of God who deserves to be treated as a human being –a wife who is loved, rather than a slave or a lesser type of person. If he doesn’t come to realize this, then you have even more trouble on your hands. You can’t allow yourself to be treated worse than a dog. Please don’t stay in that position of abusive treatment. Reach out and get the help you need. I hope you will. I pray for you Sherry, that God gives you strength, and wisdom and a heart to grab onto truth –one that rejects falsehood. I pray that peace is able to be lived out in your home, whether you have to move to make that happen, or what. May the Lord give you help and hope for a better tomorrow.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Getting married is the biggest regret of my life. I know that because of the fall and the curse that came with it, marriage is not at all as God intended. There is much abuse going on between married people. Whether it is an act of power or the frustration of “failing” to be what God created us to be, abuse discredits and undermines God.
Every time I undermine the next person for whatever reason, I undermine God who created that person. It shows that the Spirit of God does not live in me. I know it hurts to be abused (I’ve experienced it and I refuse to be a victim). I also know that when we pray God hears us. He will not ignore you when you open up to Him. Even earthly fathers don’t allow anyone to abuse their daughters. I have prayed to God in that way and to also say that if He wants me to divorce my husband, I will. But that I knew He didn’t want me to and therefore ask Him to please intervene so that we may both glorify Him by learning to respect each other. It’s a prayer of faith -trusting God to do this like my 4-year-old puts absolute trust in me. I have seen and continue to see changes in our relationship.
(USA) Avril, I am newly married and can relate to your sentiments toward being married. I waited about 10 yrs to finally receive a husband and I have often felt that it was the biggest mistake of my life. About 2 months into the marriage I saw a drastic change in his behavior/attitude toward me. I relocated to an entirely different part of the country and had no one to turn to for help. So I asked a local pastor at a church for help and he referred me to a Christian Counselor. The counselor basically advised me to leave as well as a number of family members/friends. I honestly do not have a stable place to go, so I did not leave. After praying I distinctly remember God telling me to stand. I also remember thinking that he will do this to someone else. I feel torn about someone else having to live this kind of life and being left for dead.
In the early stages of the emotional/verbal abuse/neglect, I would cry and sometimes want to die. I had no job, no support locally, and am lived in extreme isolation. The abusive husband used all of these things to keep me feeling bound & worthless.
So I basically asked the Holy Spirit to minister to me since I had no help at all. I felt alone most days and sometimes would question why I should keep on living. But God brought the text of Psalms 118:17 to mind, “I will not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has done.” Many days I could not function and once I had the courage to open up toward others, I would simply be blamed either directly or indirectly for my situation. I felt distraught because I could not find anyone to believe me. My husband is a master manipulator and has lied to many about our relationship, including saying that I have physically abused him (which is an utter lie from hell). I have been victimized many times over and have experienced absolutely no help from the so-called church!All I can say is that the Word of God has literally become my lifeline.
I continue to pray for my husband and ask for wisdom of how to deal with him. He was abused as a child and my heart aches, because I realize that he needs healing. While he claims to be a Pastor/”Man of God”, I do not see anything Christlike in his conduct. He ministers to many outside of our home, but does not take the time to lovingly talk, teach, minister, or encourage his own wife. I feel like I have been dying a slow death, but the Bible has kept me going.
Oftentimes, I have wondered if God sees me and my situation. I struggled with many toxic emotions and daily I ask God to help me to forgive this man. I often ask God to cleanse my own heart so that I can be a vessel for him.
I pray for you & others on this site who have been exposed to this sickness/destructive vice of the enemy. May our God help and keep us during these test and trials. Most of all may we be victorious in the name of Jesus Christ. Please remember that there is hope.
Thanks to the creators of this site. I have been searching for resources to help me during this time of struggle. God bless you all!
(USA) This is a long story! I left my 3 kids dad in 2001. He was sexually and physically abusive. I met a man (which is opposite color). I had my kids until my ex found out about my relationship! He has so much more money than me and had a lawyer (I didn’t) so he won custody, which I can see and get my kids anytime.
I married my 2nd husband 5yrs ago. He was a big time gambler! Very obsessive and controlling! Now he is into church (which is a good thing) he says he’s a called man of God! He goes to an holiness church. I was brought up Baptist. I wear makeup and pants. His church is all one color (which is opposite of me). I believe and love God dearly (yes I have strongholds I need to shake off but not ready to yet! He was a robber, smoker, drugger and compulsive gambler. He quit! Now that he’s all holiness he thinks I should be!
I tried to go to his church (very uncomfortable). I was actually feeling good, reading my Bible, praying and listening to nothing but gospel. I felt great! One night in church we left he got in the car and laid into me, saying I was looking at the men in there! God knows the truth!! He takes the car away from me if I don’t do what he says. I’m 41 yrs old. He gambled the little I had away (money, car etc.). It’s my own stupidity! I just need some advice! Im 41 and have nothing to show for it!!! HELP please!