Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(UNITED STATES) My husband is everything this site talks about. We have been together for 16 years. He was very much this way when we first dated, and was under much stress. It seemed to disappear for most of the last twelve years. We have a three year old boy and he has been this way for the past three years.
I don’t know what to do. Every time I recommit myself to the relationship, he throws himself overboard for months. I feel he is still emotionally attached to a girl, a situation that he never got counseling for and now every time he thinks these emotions have gone away, they come back. I am to the point that I am going and living my own life. I’m emotionally out of the relationship already.
I have emotionally masturbated with various men, and for months have not being intimate with my own husband. I actually found it very, very, very hard to have intercourse with him.
I made myself start with him, and over an eight week period we managed to do it, five times. Then again, I am not sure if his bi-polar depression, or anxiety also plays a part in this, and he has those things because of the sitaution he has gone through. Please help?
We are in our late thirties and early forties. The last thing I wanted to do is have a child under therse circumstances. Honestly.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am married 3 yrs to a man I very dearly love & believe he loves me too. He was married to a very maipulative & conniving woman for 14 years, during which time he said he remained in the marriage for his son. He said he was waiting for the boy to be at an understandable age before he divorced his wife. Anyway, we were married in 2008 but hardly lived together for period longer than two months at a time because he would move out every time there was a slight argument which always related to his ex wife and son. He gave up his business to his ex & every thing else he possessed to waive any maintenance for his son, which she agreeed to since he had nothing, and not even a job.
After we married I bought him a business which he ran to the ground and left in debt before he walked out. I bought a house because he was not comfortable living in a house where I previously lived with my ex husband. He complained bitterly about my ex husband picking my daughter up for school every morning and that I allowed my ex to come into the yard, out of disrespect for him and his feelings. I ensured my daughter got her licence as soon as possible and got her a car to avoid such problems.
The first few months of our marriage was ok until he started seeing his son again. It was his choice not to see his son because he said his son was an undisciplined child and he wanted nothing to do with him because he was just like his mother. It was from this time that our marriage turned from sour to distasteful. His son and ex wife came to know everything that happend in our household. His ex wife would call all the time and at anytime and he expected me to entertain this. She found every and any excuse to call him and when the son called him and my husband did not answer he would call back a hundred times every few seconds until my husband called back. His ex wife and son did everything in their power to break us up and my husband refused to see that.
At one stage his ex wife told him she could not control the son and that he had to take him so my husband moved out and found a place to accommodate him and his son, found his son another school etc etc. By the way, every time he leaves he blames me for being the problem in our relationship and says it was a mistake that we got married and it should never have happended. As long as my husband is with his son then his wife would stop calling and harrassing me on the phone. That’s something my husband didn’t find the need to talk to her about because he said that talking to her will not help because that’s the type of woman she is.
He then wanted to come back home on condition that I accepted his son etc, because his mother was an unfit mother. I did everything and more than both his parents ever did for him, but was accused of hating his child. This child lied to his father behind my back in order to carry out his mothers wishes to break us up. My husband, without any question, packed up at his sons command and left immediately. By the way, his son has been expelled from various schools for his misconduct and my husband never addresses the problem but seems to encourage his sons behaviour by just getting him enrolled into another school, after which he does it again.
During the 3yrs of marriage my husband never supported me or our household (when he had a job). His ex wife ensured that all his money was spent on his son and that she pleaded poverty so that he would feel responsible for them. I’m a very independant woman and didn’t lean on my husband for support although I expected him to take some of the burdens off me by helping to keep the home fires burning. It absolutely annoyed me that he gave no thought to my feelings, our marriage and home and did everything he could for his ex wife and son, even though I was the one that was supporting him!!
Every time I brought his ex wifes’s and son’s manipulation to his attention he would get angry, avoid the actual problem and blame me for our miserable life. Off course, he then packs and leaves. A few months or weeks later he would call to tell me how much he misses and loves me etc, etc. Not once did my husband ever apologise for anything in our relationship.
I was hospitalised and in the day of my discharge my husband went off before I arrived home, not even giving thought of picking me up. It has been 5 months since he left and I heard from him once when he left the country to visit his family. He said he was missing me and didn’t know why.
Five months later he is back in South Africa and I have not heard from him nor do I know with whom he lives (for all I know he could be with his ex wife). I have asked him for a divorce (I don’t mean this because I love him with all of me) but he does not respond. All the other times he moved out, it was after a few days he would call to say he loves and misses me etc. This is the first time that he moved out and I only heard from him once in the 5 months he is away.
There is just so much more to this story that if I had to carry on, I’d be writing a book. I’m at a stage in my life where I feel so abused, verbally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I’m depressed most of the time, sickly like I’ve never been before, tearful everyday of my life and have no idea what to do. I love my husband so much and wonder why does he feels so responsible for his ex wife yet he despised her so much. Anyway, I’m at a standstill in my life because he does not contact me at all. I wish I knew what his intentions are.
(USA) Karin, as difficult as it is to think about, your husband’s “intentions” are to do what he wants to do –trying to take, what he perceives to be, the path of least resistance. It may not be, but that’s what he seems to perceive, at the time. If you or his ex-wife or his son line up believing the same thing, that’s all fine, but that’s not going to be what will drive his decisions –pleasing anyone other than what he wants to do. Other people appear to be a convenience to him, rather than those to have relationship with and in that relationship, to make personal sacrifices (that don’t make sense to him).
His son seems to act out because HE CAN. The “guidance” he’s had is erratic, at best. Sad for him and sad for society — because if he doesn’t change, there will be another low-functioning, apparently narcissistic person living out life, to his own glory. Sad.
As far as what you can do, Karin, I don’t know. It’s easier for outsiders to give advice, than for the person who is hurting to take it. But here’s what I BELIEVE would be best (pray about it, though… I’m sure not “all-knowing”). I would look at him as somewhat broken, in his ability to stand up and man up (although, I don’t think it would help any to tell him that). That doesn’t mean he can’t get to a healthier place in his manhood, but unless he really “gets it” … he’ll keep on plodding through life, evading responsibilities and doing his own thing –not making much of a positive dent in it. He needs a lot of prayer. And personally, I would work within myself NOT to expect much from him, unless God shows you to do otherwise in meekness. Meekness is defined as “strength under control.” It’s not shaming or blaming, but standing and going forth in a positive, inspiring manner.
I believe that as long as you hook your emotions to him, hoping he will do the right thing, you will be sorely disappointed. As for his ex-wife, if your husband is home, immediately hand the phone over to him to let him deal with her. If he doesn’t want to, then he can hang up the phone. If she wants to talk to you, tell her you are busy and politely say good-bye and then hang up. You don’t have to take her abuse. You did not marry her. Yes, there is a tie between her and your husband, but if she upsets your life, then make your contact with her as minimal, as possible. Be polite, but release her ability to complicate your life anymore than it is already. Put relationship boundaries up and then YOU enforce them. You will have to stand up for yourself –hopefully, putting your hand into God’s for guidance.
If you feel “abused” (although I try to be careful in using that word, because that term in itself is easily “abused”) — then I wouldn’t welcome my husband back into our home until I’m sure he has changed in positive ways (and has shown that to be true over an extended period of time). Your home and your heart is not a motel that he can walk into, trample upon, use, abuse, and walk out as he pleases. He’s either involved in a marriage, or he isn’t. I understand that love isn’t as selective as we’d like — you love him. But if he is treating you in a toxic way, you need to be brave enough to wait until he has changed those ways to be able to welcome him home again. Toxic behavior destroys love like drinking poison. It may appear to look good for us, but it isn’t.
Your husband’s behavior is much like the parable of the prodigal son the Bible refers to in Luke 15:11-32. Except in this case, you have what appears to be a prodigal husband on your hands and in your heart. Sorry. I hope and pray good for you and for your marriage. I hope he comes home a truly changed and transformed man.
(UNITED STATES) How can you expect Christ “TO SEE YOU THROUGH THIS TIME” if you are going directly contrary to His Word? He hates divorce and there is never an exception. If you think that God excuses divorce in certain circumstances, you are misinterpreting God’s Word. A good article to read is at the following location http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Family/Marriage/no_grounds.htm. I haven’t gone through many of the articles, but I do know that this one is Biblical. Please follow the advice of the above article and look inward to where you are falling short and remember that you are not without sin so don’t cast stones.
(USA) NOTE: Please be aware we have a diverse, global audience. Being sensitive to other cultures and backgrounds will help contribute to a welcoming, loving environment…
Marla, Its been few years since you posted… my prayers are with you.
In response to Crystal…try not to be condemning to the posts… you have but a glimpse of their lives through their very brief comments.
The Bible tells us that we should forgive a husband who REPENTS (that’s the key) of their sin of adultery, just as God has forgiven all of us. See below for Biblical advice and scriptures on coping with adultery. Key Bible Verses: Matthew 5:32, 1 Corinthians 7:11, Proverbs 19:20, Proverbs 6:32, Luke 17:4, and 2 Corinthians 2:10. According to the Bible divorce IS AN OPTION if your marriage partner commits adultery. At the same time divorce should be the last resort in a marriage, especially if the adulterer (REPENTANCE IS THE KEY) to God of their wrongdoings. See Scripture Commentary: Matthew 5:32 provides advice on adultery and divorce. Coping With Adultery – Separation and Reconciliation.
Another option in coping with adultery is to separate. In this case separation from your spouse for a season may heal the relationship. See Scripture Commentary: 1 Corinthians 7:11 provides advice on marriage separation and reconciliation.
Seek Counsel for Sins Like Adultery. As adultery creates so much confusion in marriage relationships, a person should seek God’s direction and receive ministerial counseling to find out what God should have for them to do. See Scripture: Proverbs 19:20 provides advice on counseling.
Coping With Adultery – They Do Not Know What They Do. One thing for you to remember when coping with adultery, is to realize that the adulterous marriage partner does not understand the full consequences of their actions. If they did, they would not have been tempted to commit adultery. See Scripture: Proverbs 6:32 advises us on the ignorance of adultery. It is NOT for us to condemn or judge another’s choices in dealing with an adulterous spouse… that’s leaving them hopeless and sending them into the depths of despair! Pray for Marla.
(UK) Replying to Chrystal’s judgement of Marls. I don’t agree that you can say that someone else can’t divorce her husband over what is supposed to be your interpretation of what is Biblical. And that is what it is. There are those that take it literally (Chrystal) and those who look at divorce in other passages. I respect Marl’s decision. Women are not meant to be doormats.
(NIGERIA) I dated a lady for 11 yrs only for her to tell me she is no more interested anymore. What should I do cos I still love her?
(USA) WOW! Is all I can say! My husband moved out a week ago because he said he couldn’t talk to me, but every time I’ve tried to discuss what is going on and how can we begin to fix things he just says he needs his time alone. Reading this has helped me see where I’ve been going wrong in trying to reach him in our whole relationship and why nothing ever seems to work.
I sat down and prayed today for God to guide my heart and show me what it is I needed to start doing and when I found this site and then the article it was like a huge light switch has been turned on. I don’t know what is in store for my marriage, but I’m praying that this is going to help us turn things towards a more loving and caring environment! I know now that no, it’s not all my fault nor his, that this has just been two ends butting up against each other with neither wanting to yield. Thank you!!!
(USA) I have been married almost 4 yrs. My husband just recently moved out. We are not young things, both in our 60s. My husband shut down in every way to me. Now that he has moved he wants to date and have a sexual relationship. He does not want a divorce, just not together all the time. He is willing to take care of some of my finacial needs.
This is really hard for me. I love this man and would like to have a same house relationship with him. Reading the info has certainly made me think even more and guess I need to back off completely, about a marriage like God intends. I just do not feel comfortable about the sex thing since he moved out. And I never wanted him to leave.
Our church loved both of us and no one put undue pressure on him, except he does not want to talk about anything. He has not had any sucess with any of his marriages. I know that I have to trust in the Lord Jesus and draw even closer to Him.
(US) This is such fantastic information. I am one of those emotionally eager wives who devour self help hooks (hah!), but for me personally the book, Distant Partner
(which I ordered after reading the above article) has been the most helpful to me of anything I have read to date.
I’ve been with my husband for 30 years and have come to the point of seriously considering divorce. We are currently separated but own a business together so we see each other everyday. I am taking to heart the advice given in this book and finding much personal strength and comfort from it. I don’t know if my marriage will survive but I am feeling so much less a victim and feeling much better about myself. I feel empowered having stopped my “coercive” behaviors to reach my husband.
Quite honestly once I stopped trying to reach him I could start seeing our relationship more clearly. I see my part in our problems. I am also coming to realize how deeply wounded my husband is from his childhood. So am I for that matter, but I have moved beyond it to some extent. I have been in counseling for long periods of time several times now during the course of our marriage and it has helped me quite a lot in my personal struggles.
My husband will not go to counseling or address his issues. He chooses always to blame me. I can understand that now and not take it so personally. I am thankful I found this article and the book ‘Distant Partner.’ Whether or not my marriage survives this book has helped me, truly. I can’t say that about most of the self-help books I have read.
(USA) I wholeheartedly agree with all of Janine’s comments. I found this book “by accident” or God’s providence :) and it has helped me so much!!
We are not separated, but having had a rough time for the last 8 years out of 22 each years, getting worse. God is great and merciful, and we have been blessed with healing and restoration the past 6 months; but I had to realize “I could only change ME”!!
(CANADA) I just read this article. This is in response to my feelings of desperation at trying so hard yesterday to connect with my husband. He never shows Love to me and so, just as we are out walking with the dog, I make the mistake (my umpteenth time at doing this) of asking him why he finds it so difficult to show any love for me. He will say he does love me but there is nothing in his actions or words (except his anger) to express any positive feelings for me.
We’ve been married almost 15 years, no kids, as this was 2nd marriage for both of us. It hurts so much to fall in love with such a special person, only to have him change into a selfish, unloving man as the years go by. He thinks I am blaming him for his “lack of ability” to express love but I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to understand that time passing does not mean that you completely stop caring for your wife.
Sex is not an issue in our house as he never shows any interest. So many nights it is a quick peck kiss, goodnite dear, and that’s it! He suffers from depression and takes meds for it and blames the drugs as his lack of desire. But yet as a wife how long can I go before I have to beg for the connection I desire? I am not saying you need to show love by showering me with flowers and romance but in my empty heart the deposits made are so few and yet I still keep giving and giving. But I hurt and feel his distance. No efforts made -just taking what comes his way.
I left the house today and stayed out shopping just to avoid seeing him. We are both semi-retired so we are around one another a lot. Can’t find a Hallmark card for Xmas for him -the tears come as I read the words of how great some husbands are. How can I help him feel good about himself any more when my needs for love are so unmet? I am faithful but I can see why couples stray in their marriages when one partner just does not care.
(USA) My husband left me after I discovered that he had a relationship for over nine months. He left the country and went to stay to the country where he met the girl, a woman that could be his daughter in age. He stayed there for five months and there was not communication with me at all. He left me the burden of the debts.
Now he came back, but he is acting evasive and abstaining from sex. He doesn’t even say good morning? He left the girl for me. He said that he always wanted to come back, and that most of the men he knew in the estranged country told him to come back to me. He said that he was suffering. I asked him why he said he was suffering, his response was: “because I was in an estranged country without a woman.” I responded to him, “but you went after her”, and he responded, “because I am an stupid.” When I got this information from him, we were having intimacy.
After he came back, for almost a month he did not touched me. One night I visited him in his room and he started touching me, after that 10 days passed and nothing. He moved to another room of the house. I understood that he did not want me to bother him.
One night we came back from a family gathering, and then I approached him and he started hugging me and we had sex. Two days passed and I walked up in the morning, he was still in bed, he looked at me with a smile, so I dared to get close to him, I kissed his chest and we had a nice moment. Since then he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Now I wonder what is in his mind. A person that witnessed the separation with the girl, told me that it was drastic and that neither of them will try to go back together.
We have been married for 30 years and we never argued for anything. I always believed in him. I was always happy. I believed so much in him that I left him free to go anywhere without me. He has had a few surgeries including both knees replaced. He is 270 lbs. and is diabetic. He started being ugly with me and I thought that it was because he was sick. I saw that he was not interested much in sex, and I attributed that to his illness. Now I know that you can’t leave men alone, that you can’t trust them.
I don’t feel guilty for anything. I know that I did my best in my marriage. I was always like a servant to him, always cooking and doing everything for him, even when I was working I was the one engaged in the house chores. He only had to go to work and nothing else.
For me he was always sick, he came from work and went to sleep. On weekends he was drinking and celebrating with friends in my house and I was always serving. And see how I was paid. I decided to receive him back because during these past months I felt too lonely. Divorce was the first thing in my mind, but after all, to think about divorce bothers me. We managed to have a few properties, the economy was good for us. But as soon as he started receiving his first pension check, he got involved with that girl. He started wanting to sell everything and saying that he was going to enjoy life. Since I loved him so much, I couldn’t believe he could be unfaihtful to me. I just want to know why he is acting evasive with me. Is he regreting what he did against me? Or against her?
(US) I am so glad that I found this. This fits my husband and I exactly. I know that we both have things to work on, but at the moment, I am the only one willing. I love him just like I did when we first got together. I feel nothing from him, absolutely nothing. He doesn’t kiss me, touch me, tell me he loves me (unless I say it first, then it’s usually just a super quick “love you”) and it’s so frustrating. I am the epitome of an emotionally eager wife, too. I am a very emotional person and I show my love and passion daily only for it to be ignored. I am not sure how much longer I can deal with this. At least I know now that I am not alone, and it’s fairly common. I think I might go to counseling. If not marriage counseling, then for myself. I am a wreck.
(US) Ashley, your comment sounds like words right from my mouth. It was profound to see how many women responded to this article and most articles more than men for that matter. I too have found myself trying too hard for the good of the children and just not giving up. My husband lacks total communication skills in relationship and will avoid anything that has to do with resolving issues.
The funny thing is that I already dig deep and look at myself and see what I’m doing and how my behavior contributes to the despair in my marriage. I love with everything and give my all to someone who is either afraid to do the same or just feels that they don’t have to. I allow behaviors of my husband to control my mood and my happiness (in a sense of having a partner), not my overall feeling. I have given him complete control everyday. I am not a factor in his world and he has no regard for what I say or feel as important.
I ask myself how could I have fallen for someone like this. Truth is, he showed signs of potential issues but I chose to ignore because all was well. I agree that marriage is hard work and takes patience but you can’t drive a car without wheels, so how can a relationship work for best when one person fails to recognize their contribution to discord?
I am a beautiful woman who deserves the love I give. I deserve someone who doesn’t have to be convinced to want me, and deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and care. I truly don’t want a divorce, but I can’t live my life with someone who is supposed to be joined as one with me, act as though they are separate.
(USA) I stumbled upon this website because I was looking for help and for answers. I now believe that God led me to this site because he wanted me to know that I am not alone in this. My husband and I will be married for 8 years. I would say in the last 2 years things have become difficult to handle. I have suffered from depression for a long time but learned how to manage it on my own without medication. Things have become so bad in the last 9 months that I finally had to break down and go to the doctor because I just could not handle the stress and emotions on my own anymore. Not only am I dealing with the stress of the relationship, I have some major family issues as well. My brother and my father are both sick. My father has cancer and my brother has another life altering disease. Their sickness added to my strained relationship really has had me hanging from a ledge. I just have felt so sad and lost and helpless. What upsets me is that my husband knows what kind of emotional stress I am under and how difficult it is for me, but what he does not realize is that I just want him to be able to be there for me and to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. But instead of being my rock, he is the stone that is constantly being thrown at me in between whatever sporting event is on at the moment. He was not like this and somewhere he changed and stopped caring about not only me, but himself as well. I have asked him if we could go talk to someone, but he does not think it will be effective because he does not believe in talking to strangers about our problems. As you can see, I do not feel that way!
We have a child as well who has taken the sickness of his family very hard and then to have his mom and dad constantly yelling at each other, it has really started to take a toll on him as well. I try to do my best to divert the fights or serious talk for when he is not around, but my husband just talks no matter if he is around or not. Whenever arguments get bad that we need to talk we of course talk about the issues that are always avoided and he is quick to say that he will change, but the same thing happens tomorrow. I have never felt more unloved than I do right now that sometimes I think the best thing is to just walk away. But I do not want to do that to my son and to myself. I do not believe in divorce, but I also do not believe in being unhappy. Our son gets upset enough when we argue that I can not imagine what would happen if we did separate.
My husband and I both work full time jobs however we are on opposite shifts. He works nights and I work days. Makes things more stressful on top of everything else. Not being around each other during the week makes for an eventful weekend when issues like money or cleaning or anything that REALLY matters is needing to be discussed. It usually ends in us not speaking to each other for awhile. I have prayed that things will get better and I have faith that they will, but how much of an emotional beating can one person take. The article above is like a page out of my life at the moment. The only difference is that I have two sick people that I have to worry about too. I am the rock of my family and I want to try to make it all better, but I have been shrunk to a pebble that is lost and is needing some guidance. How do I deal with a bad marriage, a son who is a constant worrier about everything, and a father and son being sick with diseases that make our lives have being lived one day at a time. All I want is my best friend back. He has become so distant that we do not even sit in the same room and talk anymore in fear that it will turn into an argument. All I want is to feel loved, and appreciated would be nice to. Any suggestions out there or am I just alone in feeling this way. Sorry to just pour my hurt out like this, but I just cant hold it in anymore!
(U.S.A.) This all has been very enlightening for me. I have been married 34 years and raised 6 children. Yours, mine and ours.
This man has been emotionally ‘missing’ for 20 years. He has also been mostly physically unavailable. By this I mean he is on a plane every Monday morning and back on Friday. All week he is ‘too busy’ for any real contact with me and I gave up on the weekdays a long time ago. When he is home we are together but I am the lonliest then. When he is gone I can pretend things are different. We still are intimate.
I do know a relationship with my Father in Heaven is beneficial but have refrained for years as he doesn’t like it when I go to church and complains it takes away from his time with me on the weekends. I quit a job I loved for the same reason (retail).
I was advised 15 years ago by a therapist who knew both of us well to ‘get out’ then and why. I feel that I have wasted 34 years of my life. I do love him and don’t really want a divorce but our fighting has been escalating.
I will take the advice of revitalizing my relationship with Christ that I have gotten here and move on in that way. I can’t change him. Our doctor advised me a year ago that if he does not change his lifestyle (heavy travel, workaholism, bad food and too much alcohol) that he well be dead within 2 years. He told me he isn’t telling me this to upset me but rather so that I can prepare. He said he knows he is a very stubborn man and he does not think he will make the changes he needs to make. I will pray for him. I will pray for all of us married to this type of sad human being. They are actually the ones who are missing out the most.
(KENYA) I am glad I came through this article. I am at the point of an emotional breakdown. My husband of 10 yrs is so distant and evasive. I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings at all. He works in a different town and it sometimes takes over 3 months before we see each other. I literally have to beg him to come home and he never changes his position (if it’s a no) no matter how much I try.
I always feel like an emotional begger. I cry a lot most nights and my frustrations are affecting my children and my work. I am always depressed. I have tried the strategy of trying to focus on myself more, stop begging and act like everything is ok but it is not working. I think he takes advantage of my weaker points.
(USA) Oh my gosh. I’m not even halfway through your article and my head is spinning. I want to cry and I just about had an anxiety attack when I walked away from my computer. I just broke up with my boyfriend because I just couldn’t take it anymore. But yet I keep going back to him. He is the most unemotional, distant person that I have ever met. He blames it on “selfishness.” Ahhhh… I need to keep reading! I need HELP!
(ZAMBIA) I am married to a man who JUST can’t communicate. It is frustrating, very frustrating, especially if you are the only one making the initiative. Talking to my husband is like talking to a brick wall that shows not emotions or any thing. Because of all this it has made me bitter, frustrated, angry etc. I really want out but I am only sticking around for the sake of my two kids who are as frustrated as I am.
(UNITED STATES) I just celebrated my third anniversary of my second marriage. I am so unhappy It’s sad. My marriage lacks emotional,passion,romance,communication, and sex. Before we celebrated our first anniversary, I discovered my husband was communicating in as unappropiate way with one of his co-workers on one of the social networks. We went to counseling twice, (that was a waste) however, I did learn his reasoning was he felt I was mistreating him. A few months before, I discussed with him what our marriage was lacking and what he was not providing me as a woman.
I thought it would be good if we had date night once a week taking turns each week taking one another out. I did my part be he didnt reciprocate. We nowhere, and do nothing together. I have shut down emotionally. Our relationship is more like a living arrangement than a marriage.
I hope I am not being too shallow by mentioning that for my anniversary I received flowers.
There is so much more I could share, however it would be far to much to write.
(USA) We have been married 40 plus years, and my husband hasn’t had sex with me in 30 years. Sexually our married life has been rocky. All these years he has hated intimacy, and sex was never his strong suit.
He has health issues and refuses to get them taken care of. One is when he was a child he wasn’t in a loved family, father was a drunk and constantly argued. His mom hated his dad. Second he came down with E/D in his 30’s and no pills or pump helped him out. Thirdly he did have his testosterone checked out and that came out really low. Now I understand that these issues can be addressed and corrected but he just won’t go to the doctor and do it. He tells me that he made it this far without getting these problems worked on, why at my age should I start now? I may be older but I still like sex, and he is so stubborn.