Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(U.S.A.) Hi, my name is Diana and I am married to a wonderful active duty military man for 11 yrs basically now. As I read this article I can see now where we both are in our relationship. I feel frozen, shock and that I’d been hit by a train as of the past few months, going thru so much of what I just read in this article, knowing and feeling something was wrong. It all came to a head last night.
I always thought all these years we had a very strong and happy marriage, even with all the ups and downs with each other, medical issues lately with me, family matters and many deployments with another yet to come in March.
I am at a loss of what to think, do, where and the what. So I made a marital counseling appt for tomorrow and can only hope the little time we have gives us some kind of new beginning before he leaves for himself and this country another year or so. And when he comes home on leave and then safely back into my arms we can continue our journey of growing together and not apart.
I obviously have missed so many signs and just kept plugging along as I am a deep nurturer and have done so much for so many and on top of all this, moving my mother-in-law in. This is all going to be so difficult! But darn if I am going to give up on myself, us, mom and family etc. What else can I do? Say ok fine, lets move on our separate ways?
Yes, I could but I love him and he is the only real great love of my life and as he says and I try to believe, I still love you and am in love with you but I can’t tell you what is going to happen. That is the scary part. Because is this really the truth or just another way of putting off the enevitable on his part after all that has been said and done? I don’t know.
To reiterate, I will do all I can to save my marriage. I’ve never strayed or even thought of it. Has he? I don’t know that either. I’ll have to just trust as I always have till these recent months of feeling the distance and noticing changes, basically being too intuitive for my own good, cause it has always come to pass. Thank you all for allowing me to vent. Diana
(USA) Married for 23 years. Great guy, doesn’t cheat on me, drink up our money, booze it up, gamble, etc… just simply unable to connect on a deeper level. I have raised the kids, handled all tuff stuff, disipline and have become the “always yelling, angry, bad parent” while he gets to be the “great fun dad”. This past holiday weekend, I found myself where I tend to go a lot… my room alone.
My bottom hurts from sitting on the bed and my eyes are red from all the crying… hard to believe a husband of so many years can simply walk by his wife who is crying under the covers. Seems really cruel at this point. I love my family unit, but I am so unfulfilled and as the kids grow up… I’m left with “him”… not my soft place to fall, not my support system…. what do I do? And I look like the crazy person.
(USA) I feel that way too. No depth. Simple as that. I am an overly emotional person that LOVES and FEELS so much, I want to yell my feelings and scream out the pain, but my husband is quiet, silent. Nothing. What does one do when you search for the spouse you always thought you had?
I never thought about depth when I was young, raising kids and such. I am sad and lonely. I am married to the same person I thought I loved with all of my heart for so many years, and here I sit, feeling lonely! I hate that. My husband thinks all is well, but it isn’t. I can’t tell him, as I don’t know what to say. All I know is he had a mid life crisis last year, took no responsibility for the pain he caused me and now I sit here, so alone, most of the time. It is like he “outted” himself through that crisis. He isn’t a caring man, he just simply is!
(USA) Why assume he has no depth? Just because he doesn’t express his emotions like you do doesn’t mean there is little depth to his emotions.
I find your assumptions disrespectful. Why would he share when you’ve already judged him shallow? Why not love, respect and accept him for who he is, and the advantages he brings to your marriage, instead of complaining about what he’s not?
After all, God made him the way he is, so apparently, he has the emotional depth God intended him to have. Perhaps this is to bring balance to your marriage? If he were to have the “depth” you wish he had, your marriage may be out of balance.
I guess I fail to see why folks simply can’t accept that emotions are expressed and lived differently, instead of wishing their spouse was more, X, Y or Z. After all, judging your spouse to be emotionally shallow, I.E. emotionally inferior, is a pretty good way to ensure they don’t share what they are feeling. If you judge it to be inferior, why would he bother to share?
I appreciate your insight and honesty. I’m looking for more responses from men who may, themselves, be evasive… because those responses help me to better understand. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Thank you, Tony.
(USA) Tony, I think people expressing emotions differently is not the problem, it’s not expressing them at all that’s the problem. I don’t think God creates people like that. I think we all have struggles to overcome. God expressed His emotions and feelings with us in incredible powerful ways. Everything from the way He placed the star and moon in place to the death of His Son for us. God is a passionate Creator!
You ask why you should express your feelings towards someone who has already judged you. Why not prove them wrong for the sake of LOVE? Perfect love casts out fear. Live couragesously and full of His love!!!
(USA) You suggest he should express his emotions inspite of the fact that his wife makes it unsafe for him to do so. This is the emotional equivalent to suggesting an abuse victim stay with his unsafe abuser.
Tony, you are clearly defending the very evasive behavior that this entire article explains is damaging to the entire relationship. You speak like the same evasive man that this article describes. I hope you aren’t in a relationship, because if you are, I guarantee YOU are making your spouse unhappy, by the very tactics this article describes.
I agree with Tony here. I was so busy trying to force my hubby to communicate with me that quite frankly I think he was scared of me in some sense. Scared of what MY reactions would be should he actually tell me anything! I had to learn to be quiet and actually listen when I asked him something versus responding or offering a rebuttal.
I admit that it had became unsafe for him to talk. I don’t have to agree with how he feels about anything. It just is what it is and he has a RIGHT as my spouse to think and feel whatever he wants. I had to practice silence while he learned to talk! He also had to learn to listen instead of just tuning me out and nodding his head. His agreement (and therefore submission!) was never what I wanted. I always wanted to just know how he really felt. I have that now.
We are doing so much better after 20 years of marriage. The change is unbelievable really. He is happier and feels more heard and understood as do I. Ladies, next try asking him 1 question and then practice listening in total silence until he’s finished speaking. It’s done wonders for us!
Thanks so much for sharing what you learned. This is the same thing I learned a number of years ago and it has helped to positively transform our marriage in the way we communicate and respond to each other. Sometimes there are abuses by some husbands, but on the other hand, sometimes (many times in today’s world) there are abuses by wives, thinking that our way of communicating is the “right” way –that we have the corner on the market of what should and shouldn’t be said and done, when, how, and if. I watch some husbands and they’re almost scared to say or do the “wrong” thing (because they’re thinking from past experience that they will be berated as if they’re a child if it doesn’t come out in a way that their wife thinks it should). So they don’t say anything. They play it “safe” (at least they believe it’s safer than if they said the wrong thing), or they give up and let the wife “rule.” And then the wife criticizes them for not “communicating.” It’s a no-win situation.
I’m so thankful that my eyes were opened. I’m glad yours have been too. Marriage can be wonderful when we allow each other to be who we were created to be and we talk together AND listen –giving grace and leaning toward trying to understand each other (as best as we can on this side of heaven).
(CANADA) Tony, since you sound like an evasive man that just wants to be allowed to be yourself, answer me this. Why did my evasive husband have an affair when I DID accept that he ‘just’ communicated differently, had different emotional needs and ways of expressing those emotions? I not only respected his differences, but admired how logical and self-reliant he was. I figured that our relationship was just in one of those ‘lows’ that all relationships go through, and that with time, patience and work, we would work ourselves into a better place again. But, I was wrong. He tells me now that he was craving ’emotional closeness’. But, his pattern of evasiveness is so deeply ingrained, he evaded the issue with me and took the instant gratification route.
Now, he has hurt me and our families, hurt her and her family, and he is hurting too. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If he had just had the courage to say SOMETHING to me, the emotional carnage could have been avoided. I was MORE than willing to do whatever it took to bring us closer and connect again. I would have done pretty much anything. Now look what’s happened. He will not be at our daughter’s wedding next week. He will not move into the beautiful home we just bought. We will not grow old together. He is alone and I am trying to heal.
(AUSTRALIA) You are ‘not alone’ my friend… you are not alone at all! Somehow someway, we rise above, become stronger. I tend to get the ‘blame reversal’ a lot. I’ve been called ‘verbally abusive,’ which is the latest. I don’t see how communicating desperation and frustration is verbally abusive? But I believe it does have a lot to do with how the men are raised too.
My husband’s mother did do and ‘still does’ EVERYTHING she possibly can for him. This makes ‘my job’ very difficult in that whatever I ‘do’ do… is not appreciated, taken for granted and I’m called ‘someone looking for sympathy, when I’m just down right ‘deeply hurt.’ There are days I wish I’d never married the man. Alas my beautiful children always come to mind and I am the kind of person to suffer in silence for their sake. I saw what separation and divorce did to my niece and I see the choices in her life today and I just do not want to go there. Children are not silly -they will ‘make up their own minds’ when they’re adults and quite frankly, everyone, will ALWAYS reap what they sow.
(USA) Lynda, Disregarding the judgment you make about me without even knowing me, I’m sorry you find yourself in the circumstance you describe.
Not all folks who feel it’s unsafe to share their emotions feel that way because of some defect in their spouse. Frankly, having also suffered at the hands of an unfaithful spouse, I would say in cases like that it’s not the action of the betrayed spouse that is emotionally unsafe, but the behavior of the cheating spouse that is emotionally unsafe. Not all cases of the emotionally reluctant spouse are due to the other.
(SA) It is as if you are describing my own situation. He is a great person; we have everything we need, but that is were it ends. No physical attention, no kissing, no hugging, no sex, no conversations, no love…I’m at the piont that I want out badly.
(MALAYSIA) I am on the same boat. I really don’t know what to do! On the surface, he is amazing. He is a great dad. We have one 2 year old son. It has been almost a year we had not “done it”. I have become so numb, depressed and angry. I am so afraid I might end up in an affair. I am beginning to flirt with colleagues at work.
(USA) I have been with my current husband for about three and a half years. He was never really emotionally available and plays a lot of games, especially the blame game. He actually became worse after we were married and it was already bad. He doesn’t come home when he says he will, he rarely calls and when he does it usually causes an argument so next he uses the excuse, “you were being mean to me on the phone.”
When I do break up with him, he returns and says he loves me bla, bla, yet he eventually returns to the old destructive patterns. I feel depressed, alone, angry and sad most of the time. I want out and I want a divorce yet we haven’t even been married for six months. It will look bad if I get a divorced so quickly.
This says it all: Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
(USA) Me too…
(USA) Tony, I’m sorry you feel so unsafe in your marriage. I was flipant to think giving a simple suggestion would fix these difficult situations… My deepest appologies… My husband and I just started going to counseling. He felt unsafe too. He was abused beyond what my mind can comprehend by his mother most of his childhood… He had transfered all those feelings on to me, without even realizing it.
He did feel unsafe, as if I was a physically and verbally abusive mother and he was still a little boy. How or why would he ever want to be emotionally close to that?! I feel like I’ve paid the price for his mother’s abuse and am struggling with it, but understand that none of it was intentional. I don’t know the personal stories represented here or yours, but this has helped me be more compassionate to possibilities. Blessings to you, Maria
(USA) Petra – (SA) Oh, girl! I’m married to a South African and to hear him tell it, he is “double rugged” and a “man’s man” who grew up on a farm in the middle of no where and had to be shipped off to boarding school from the time he was six. I’m sure that’s part of his problem with not being in touch with his “feelings” or anyone else’s. He learned how to survive on his own by his wits and wiles both in the boarding school and the bush!
We’ve been married 23 loooooooong years and I’ve almost had enough, but am willing to try ONE MORE TIME for the sake of our beautiful kids who are almost ready to “fly from the nest” and be on their own. However, they want a “home nest” to come back to with their kids; an intact family unit comprised of a pop and granny and happy memories of growing up. I’ll try to give them that. After reading this article twice, I believe I’ve found a way and have slowly realized that perhaps, it’s not all my husband’s fault. Good luck to you and don’t give up yet!
(USA) I guess my question is Petra, was there ever an attraction to your husband? When you stood at the alter and said “I do” for better and for worse, were there signs then?
(NZ) Petra and Sandy – I am so thrilled to have found this site and truly it could only be a God thing. Your comments just resonated with me. I too am married to a South African, 11 years. I’m aware that his up bringing was traumatic – alcoholic father / cold distant mother but to what extent I don’t know as he has never spoken of it -he drinks alcohol (in moderation) but that he would have anything at all to do with drink surprises me.
Our marriage sort of functions. I have suffered depression for years and with the help of a counsellor it recently came to light that it is tied up with his emotional distance, relentless criticism and subsequent rejection of me. I think I can begin to look to Jesus for the love and acceptance and worth that I long for from my husband as I realise that perhaps he is incapable of being any other way. However, I would really like some insight into the psyche of the South African male -the able provider who can’t love.
(USA) I’m here in the middle of the night looking online for reasons why I feel like my marriage is a failure, and I come across this site. Not only is the article helpful, but it is comforting to know that I’m not alone. While my husband isn’t South African, he is African. I know he had a hard upbringing, and he comes from a different culture so I’ve tried to give him breaks. But it has hurt and hurt and hurt so much in the past that I am turning off my feelings completely. I don’t even know if I love him any more. I just feel empty.
(UK) In reply to Kim, touché. It is our 40th anniversary this year. And I don’t know what puts it right. I have been tempted elsewhere, he found out, tried to put it right for a bit and then just slips back into his old ways. (You don’t run after a bus when you’ve caught it) but he doesn’t catch it -just rolls off into despair again.
And it doesn’t work looking elsewhere -just end up feeling used, upset, worse. And it gets worse then and when he retired 24/7 doesn’t work. Hols don’t work. Does it work going on your own? No.
(CANADA) Your not a crazy person, you are a normal person with normal expectations… you have fallen prey to the personal behaviour that accompanies an environment of living with a person who is emotionally unable to connect.
I to have lived in this environment for 37 years and the end has many faces… what you can do for yourself and your family is to decide what YOU need and deserve as a human being that God is always there for. Just ask for help to help you decide and then get help and support from whatever source is available, that to has many faces… and give yourself the gift of love and kindness towards YOU and your life will change forever. Remember you are never alone.
(USA) Wow, you just absolutely completely defined my marriage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been an emotional train wreck over the emptiness of our relationship and my husband is whistling in the next room, as he is attending to some mundane chore.
(USA) This is a response to all. I am with you and the website below has been awesome to my spouse and I. I was relieved by this article on one hand and angry on the other that I saw no treatment or help thus no hope for the distant spouse. I, at this point, have given all I am able to. I had never, ever seen training on forgiveness. This site is awesome and has even helped my spouse. Please read it and take the surveys and go to the links. May God heal and help us all. http://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/distantspouse.php
Thank you Debbie for making us aware of the additional article we could link to, to help those who have an emotionally distant spouse. I added a link after the top article. The book, Distant Partner
is a good one to get because it does have practical info in it to apply, but obviously, we can’t give all of the information out that the book gives. But the article you point out gives at least some of it in a different way. We’re always looking for as many ways as possible to help those who are facing challenges in their marriages. Thanks for making us aware of this one.
(USA) Oh, my goodness, Kim! You are describing my relationship to a “T”, right down to the number of years I’ve been married! I love my kids and for their sake hope to be able to continue to “bear up under the weight” of, what I consider to be, emotional AND financial abuse. My husband and I have been to numerous marriage counselors/pastors and psychologists over the years, but have NEVER found a solution through counseling to our problem that “sticks”. I’ve surfed in on this site by happenstance seeking hope/help/advise for my so-called “marriage” and love what I’ve read here. I’m buying the book NOW and good luck to you. I completely understand how you feel!
(US) I’ve been married for thirty years to my only boyfriend. I got married very young. I had no life experience and no expectations of any kind. I’ve only just realized now that my kids are grown that I’ve accepted scraps of affection, time and love for the entirety of my marriage. He’s hidden important financial issues from me, went to strip joints, drank to excess, ate to excess, suffered health issues because of his zest for living, left the parenting to me- NEVER stood up for me in any situation. In fact, I jokingly called myself the man because I’ve had to take over his role. He’s very very lazy and I feel like I’m raising A GROWN MAN CHILD.
I just found out that he ran up business credit cards that I’m personally responsible for to the tune of 65k and ruined MY credit. It was all construction related materials and good times for him and his buddies. None of it was in anyway for my benefit. How to I even begin to start over? Everyone thinks he is just the greatest and he is to other people. I just am not that important to him.
I have one teen child at home and I cringe at the thought of being alone with this person for the rest of my life. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that I’m out of here. A therapist told me that it’s time to either poop or get off the pot. If only it was that easy. Please, the stripper deal really really hurt because I’m no slob. I’m told I’m very attractive and I try very hard to remain fit and current. i also try to educate myself about his areas of interest to show that I care and am trying –to no avail.
Um, I forgot to add that the stripper stuff started years ago. He gave them money that should have been spent on his children. That’s unforgivable to me. They even called my house from their place of “employment.” Yep! It’s right there on caller I.D. –nice. He started the stripper stuff up again two years ago. He has let himself go so badly that these women wouldn’t notice him without his fistfull of dollar bills. I’m in a mess.
I found svidence that my husband of 41years signed into match dating site..there were scantilly clad pics of three very young women on the computer…found where he put all my money..a measley22k in his 401k plan….he denied it all…continues to withold financial info…and the stress keeps me ill…he works nights and sundays…never wants to be here…and like you…i was the one who kept my looks and probably could have started over if he had been honest about his intentions 20 yrs ago..but its too late now at 56 and not able to carry a job..standing by a bad man gets you nothing in the end…i guess his hope is that i will die soon…he took out an ins poolicy out on me in 08 and i have been sick ever since…he claims he dropped it…and just has one on himself..things likee that is not to be trusted now that i see who he is…if i could rewind my life..i would have turned myself into child welfare at 10…….because it was my abusive mother that sent me away into his path..
(USA) My heart breaks for you and for myself. I am in the same position, 20 years married. Much prayer to you.
(USA) I know exactly how you feel. I’m glad that I’m not alone -but really I am. Not sure what to do. Right now I’m doing very same thing, in my room, crying and he’s in the other room watching TV with no clue.
(USA) This is my life!
(USA) Linda: Same here… all I do is cry… don’t know what to do.
(UNITED STATES) Be careful. I could tell the same story you describe expect I have been married 20 years. My husband decides to tell me to connect with me he has been cheating on me for 13 of those years. I always wanted him to be the man of the house…..never would and he resent me and thinks I am verbally abusive. I am a working mom that busy, busy busy…with a husband that wasn’t connecting — of course we looked nuts. He told me to be happy with me he had to have sex with these other women.
I never wanted to feel like I used him so I wanted him to give me permission to be a housewife…he never did. So, I had this internal struggle for years. Now, guess what he wants, a mate that meets him that is submissive, that cares for him quietly, that meets his needs, that is home for him, and will be quiet, that will sex play with him. My counselor say what he has done is become a sex addict, this article nailed it the sex at 2am in the morning…I used to love that and as soon as I started saying that was great, it stopped. At the end he was repelled by my touch. I am broken in a few of my own ways but this is not a trustworthy man to be with. If he is unconnected, he is pulling the I will stay with you for the kids. Trust me, he is gone!!!!!
Do your self a favor and leave before he hurts you. My husband and I are the perfect couple. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE HE CHEATED ON ME. HE even justified it by saying that it was only 1% of the time we were ever together. The rest of the time he was 100% with me while I abused him. My kids will tell you I am stern but not abusive. He is justifying his sick mind for the 13 years of random women he was with. And get this I am sex crazy, he wanted for nothing just couldn’t handle being “domestic” “being trapped” “being stuck”. I followed my husband to save my marriage to the point that I left my church and almost gave up my faith in God.
When men are in denial, that trick you and deceive you in all ways. As soon as I knew the truth, it was as if a cloud lifted off me. I have a clear mind; I no longer have to wonder in suspicion, or think I am good enough. Now I can see the signs so clearly. He has these looks that I thought was my husband being strong and manly — they are his looks of “resentment”, “cheating”, “I hate you.” How did I miss those? My love sick eyes, created clouds.
(USA) “He has these looks that I thought was my husband being strong and manly —they are his looks of “resentment”, “cheating”, “I hate you.” How did I miss those? My love sick eyes, created clouds.” Wow! My heart hurts for all these stories. I know them too well. Yes, I will stay for the kids and my faith. Yes, I hope he will change. No I don’t think he will… and the problem is, with this MO, is obvious me, sharing this article will do nothing… he will not accept it from me. I’m hopeless about that. I am buying the book. Who knows? Perhaps God will have pity on me (not that I am a perfect victim, I never said that) and move his heart to read it.
(USA) Wow! You sound just like me, twenty years of marriage, no sex for the last five, and rare before that… other than the first year. Give kids. I am the mean mom and he plays good cop every time… even when I am only trying to back up rules he set or rules I thought were set. I come across as the idiot, harsh, emotional, illogical witch… and my kids all love him to death, which I am, of course, as a mom, thrilled that have such a great relationship with their dad! I am only now realizing… with my fourth teenaged daughter, that it comes at expense of throwing me under the bus, throwing under the bus… undermining my authority… emotionally distant… telling me in a chiding way to “stop fighting with the kids” when I am parenting them… the giving up and spending time upon time locked away in my room.
I finally put a TV and game system in there! Of course that’s more fodder for what a bad mom I am… never sticking up for me when I am accused unfairly in public… never instigating a date or kids. Ha, what’s a kiss? …rolling his eyes at my complaints …never repaying my compliments on his provision or fatherhood with one kind word I long for on my mothering or housekeeping. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
(USA) Wow..so familiar! I have never been able to figure out how I became the leader of the house, raising the kids, making the big decisions, handling anything unpleasant that comes along…I also sit and wonder what to think. Over 25 years of marriage and I feel completely alone; it’s like he shuts himself off from anything that needs attention, including me..I sometimes wish I had that ability to put the blinders on and carry on as if nothing mattered but my own little world of content. I once read where you can’t pass along something you don’t have. To his defense, I know he never had good communication skills passed along by his parents, so maybe this is my fault for not seeing it back when.
What makes me nuts is that I’m so confused…did I marry the wrong man? Are we supposed to have huge differences between us and is this how marriage is supposed to be? Am I making a big deal over nothing? See..this type of dysfunction screws with me and I don’t know where I belong.
(GERMANY) MKT, I am right beside you on this one. I have what appears to be a perfect marriage. He is a great father and the best provider I could ever ask for and yet I am so very lonely. I feel a huge void, and it took me a while to figure out why. I found myself telling my friend that I have to stay busy 24/7 and keep all of my time filled because any time there is a void I feel I will be sucked out into oblivion. I think the void I feel is emotional disconnect and lonliness.
We have been married almost 18 years and while he takes great care of me I do not feel respected. I feel that the efforts he makes are to appease me and keep me quiet so he can stay in his comfortable little emotionless bubble. I really love him and I want to figure this out. I just do not know how to approach him with this article without making him feel attacked. I am by no means perfect, and honestly am probably too emotional and needy. I just wish we could find a common ground.
I feel bad for those of us who thought marriage would be forever. After 41 years I know the truth, men are only interested as long as you are in your 20 to 45 age range. It matters little how good YOU look for your age. You are no longer 30. I always looked better than my spouse… but it matters little.
Much of the problem is how he was raised and views women in general. My husband never had a chance with his destructive parents. I always believed from years earlier that my spouse self sabotaged. Now I know he does. He has all our money tied up in the house and his 401k… and I have nothing. Stress is ruining my health… and I just want to be gone… trying to keep a marriage together for grown sons is stupid. This description is my husband to a T. I also believe he has early dementia symptoms.
(USA) I have been married 35 yrs to a husband who has been diagnosed with a love addiction. His sexual addiction has escalated. He left home and went to an older prostitute and then bought her a town home and moved in with her. His adult childen saw info on facebook and told him he had to leave her. He did, but plans on divorcing me. He has gone to a 2 week inhouse treatment center. I see more of his actions relating to avoidant problems and sex addiction.
I was pushing hard for emotional closeness, was trying to control him, and it had escalted to physical abuse. I am willing to re-unite if he is willing to work through a recovery program. He states he wants no conflicts, no commitments, and no control. I have turned to GOD am trying to change. Is there hope for this marriage?
(NIGERIA) Thanks all for your comments and contributions. I have been married for 3 years. I am 4 months pregnant right now, after 3 miscarriages. I am married to an evasive man, as I have come to realise from the write up above. I felt I was alone in this kind of situation; my husband’s work is really telling on him. He is rarely available and sometimes cares less to call.
I love my husband and I know he loves me but he just needs to show it more in action. I am cleaning my tears right now and will focus on reading my Bible and praying. I need your prayers too, hoping that I will change for the better and things will get better. You all stay blessed.
(USA) I’ve been married 25 years and having some serious confusion issues on whether or not to continue my marriage. Your description of the “Leadership Roles” hit the nail on the head. He is a hard worker and supports our family financially, but has never, ever helped me raise the kids on an emotional or supportive level. When there is any discipline needed, I have always been the one to step in. Our kids see it as them against me. Dad thinks because he doesn’t say anything he is “supporting me.”
What it has really done has made our kids realize that Dad DOESN’T support me. His lack of leadership shows he doesn’t care to get involved and it allows our kids to give me a hard time because they don’t see dad as a threat and I’m easier to mouth off to since there isn’t any level of respect required. They see it as mom on her own. How hard is this to figure out?
Growing up, my mom was the one with us the most, but we would never think to cross her because we knew dad would get us when he heard about it. None of us were ever spanked, but we knew the meaning of respecting our parents. My husband also allows his mother to constantly belittle me…
I am ready to crawl in a hole today. Our youngest has been acting out with stealing and experimenting with drugs. Her dad sat there and had very little to say while I had to handle it the best way I could. Btw, it makes it harder to make good decisions when you’re the only head thinking! I took all the items she and her friend stole and donated them. I’m going to check into her doing some community service. The drug situation makes me sick to think she could have taken something that may have ended her life. My hubby has not given me one bit of advice or input, as usual. Just walked away… I want to scream!
(NIGERIA) My hubby is in the UK but I don’t understand the way he behaves. He’s too evasive. I will be happy if he can will read my comment or should be advised, because I am tired.
(UGANDA) Thanks for the good advice. I decide to love myself and hide in Christ so that my eyes and mind are blinded from his hurting actions. At least will be away to church every Sunday.
(USA) God Bless you for taking the time to encourage all of us reading your response. This is a powerful testimony as well as a relevant Word. You have certainly help me look at what feels like the slow miserable death of my marriage in a new life affirming way. Thank you for opening your heart and experience to us and allowing God to use you to help breath life into dead situations. God is Able!!!
(USA) I wish there was something that will help the void until he sees the light. This past weekend he has ignored me and when I asked for him to talk to me because I could not sleep and was crying, he simply ignored me. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I am emotionally unstable and can’t understand anything. I wish someone could help him understand the way I feel.
(USA) Crying often seems to be blackmail or manipulative. Emphasis on the word seems. He’s not feeling what you are feeling, and if it’s about how you feel, he probably doesn’t see how talking about it will make you feel any different. After all, if that would work, more guys would talk so their wives would feel amorous.
I’m afraid if you want him to talk, you have to give him hope that it’s going to be of some mutual benefit. If it comes across as simply keeping him awake, or talking about what you “feel” he’s doing/done wrong, then who would want to stay awake for that conversation?
I suspect he doesn’t know how to handle it either. He probably tried talking in the beginning, and was told he wasn’t doing it right. Now he finds it’s safer to just not talk and wait for whatever emotional storm to blow over.
What can you do to make these talks seem like an opportunity for him to win, or at least not lose? I’m not saying you have to lose. But if he doesn’t see any benefit, any win, then why would he engage in something he feels is a losing effort?
What if he’s waiting for YOU to see the light? What if he has been emotional and its not paid off for him? What if the emotional distance is not because there is something wrong with your husband? What if the perceived emotional distance is simply because you and your husband are different, or that he’s tried to be emotionally close to you, but you’ve done something to convince him that he’s going to lose if he gets any closer, emotionally speaking?
When I see someone write something like you did, such as when is he going to get it, I immediately wonder what you are not getting about your husband, but are too busy focusing on his faults and not busy enough addressing your side of the street???
Hi Carolina, Please pray about what Tony wrote. It may be very true. Pray and see if there is even a shred of truth going on. But honestly, neither Tony nor I, nor anyone else truly knows the dynamics going on in your marriage. It may be all or a part of what Tony wrote or it may be some entirely different situation going on. I don’t know. But whatever it is, you can’t hang all of your emotional health upon your husband. No one should do that — even if you have a great marriage. It just isn’t healthy.
If your husband won’t talk after you’ve asked (and begged) him to do so, you need to find a way to set your sights in a different direction for at least a while. Yes, it shouldn’t be this way. Yes, he shouldn’t distance himself from you… after all, you’re marriage PARTERS. But it is what it is and obviously begging him won’t change things in a positive direction. Whatever you do, don’t get snippy and high almighty, as you “set your sights in a different direction for a while.” We all need grace and space at times. If your husband won’t respond in a positive way, let go and let God. Release him to God. Pray for him, and let go of trying to have your husband satisfy you emotionally. Ask God to show you how to be supportive and yet how to let go so He can deal with your husband to the point where he will finally open up. Ask God for guidance in all of this.
If, during this time, God shows you issues you need to work on, please do so (we all have them). And find healthy ways to bring joy into your home. Find ways to laugh and let go of your husband’s issues. Don’t be mean, nor self-righteous, but realize that this may not be all about you (or anything about you), but more of his issues, rather than yours. So give him grace and find ways to bring joy into your life (in healthy ways –I can’t emphasize that enough) and see if by doing so, he doesn’t somehow come around. You may or may not be able to talk about this “season” someday, but hopefully you will. In the meantime, find ways to bless others who will enjoy the blessings. The scriptures say that “those who refresh will themselves be refreshed.” I hope you will find the strength to do this. It’s sure worth the effort! May God bless you in this.
(USA) I have found this to be absolutely true!! Let God and Let God has taken on a whole new meaning :)
(USA) I am so upset. I’ve realized that I’ve been seeking out emotionally unavailable men my whole life. My marriage was to a decent guy. I messed that up because of my need for whatever drama the emotionally unavailable man brings.
I’m dating a guy who literally fits each and every one of the characteristics. Today I called and asked him to lunch and he freaked out because he has to sleep before his night shift. He was so angry, demeaning, rude. I actually found myself apologizing! I was incredibly hurt and he was outraged; I cried. He told me to tell him why I was so upset, and when I did, he said “it’s all about you.”
He refuses to say I love you. He is disrespectful, showing up late for things and needing to reschedule plans at the last second to accomodate his schedule. He ignores my calls and answers only when he feels like it but expects me to pick up the phone at a moment’s notice. He has time for everyone but me and makes mean comments to me and then says he is joking.
I keep staying around. Why? Instead of looking to fix him, I’m interested in understanding why I (we) do this. Why do we seek these men out and then not leave?
(CANADA) I have been with my evasive, non-communicative husband for 21 years. Hind sight is 20/20 and I realize that all the red flags were there, including the fact that he never asked me to marry him or gave me a ring. I just felt after 5 years and premarriage counselling, we should get married or split. He agreed that we could marry.
My life has been exactly what you would imagine with a husband who 100% fits the description above. Basically, it is on a ‘need to know basis’ and there is actually very little that you need to know. I have been on verge of leaving three times with arrangements made and one foot out the door when God has intervened. The last time, God hit him with the Holy Spirit and he began a real relationship with God by reading his Bible and praying. We even did devotions together for a while, but it seemed so superficial and truthfully, I needed that time alone with God.
I will testafy that my relationship to God is what it is because of the desperate state of my marriage. I am so dependant on the Lord and his provision and guidance. It completely tears me apart to ride the rollercoaster of emotions. I have learned to let go of just about everything, to have no expectations, and to only do what I can do without help from him. I have learned that life works best if plans do not involve him.
The hardest parts are finances and anytime that he actually wants to act like a husband I have a hard time turning the emotions on and off. When I built up the courage to speak with him about this, probably close to a year ago, he told me that I no longer need to try and act like a loving wife. Sadly, this has made my life so much less stressful. Of course, I treat him with the same respect and consideration I would give anyone, but there is no pretense of an intimacy that doesn’t exist.
Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on perspective) I have to trust God for finances as I have no clue about our financial situation. We farm and I stay home to homeschool and only work part time. He does not seem to feel the need to budget, although I have very much wanted a budget guideline. He is in no way overtly controlling and I am very grateful that I can stay home and homeschool (although, I have no way of knowing whether we can really afford it or not; I know we are asset rich and cash poor).
I have given up trying anything and am just trusting God for the future. Without His intervention we will divorce when the kids move out. I know some may consider this lame, but I have been praying, reading, learning, growing and trying for over 15 years with no change.
(USA) Couldn’t agree more with the posting regarding repentance. I agree God hates divorce… but I don’t think He’s fond of repeated acts of adultery either. God Bless Crystal… but I’d hate to come to you with that kind of pain… God does not ask His daughters to be doormats to husbands who repeatedly violate the sacred covenant of marriage.
(USA) I feel I can really identify with this. We had a great sex life until he went on nights at work. Then I started staying up late to be there for him when he got home. But of course, he was tired and didn’t want to talk or anything. Then he started taking side jobs that he said were for us –for us to be more finically stable –for our marriage to be better. I honestly think he believed that.
But he was never home. And every weekend he would get his son. I felt there was no time for me. And the more I wanted to talk about it the more he would shut me down. I feel I and my feelings come after everything else in his life is done. But it is never done.
I got angry, I lashed out. Now he sticks to the claim he is afraid of me. He won’t even cuddle or touch me in any fashion. He says sex is not that important. He says we talk about the same stuff all the time and get no resolution to anything. He won’t even consider talking about it now. Crying nightly…
Thank you so very much for your article. This you will not know how much it helped me on this day… to read thru it and all your replies, especially the writer who spoke of God. I needed to hear this and it added hope to me. Bless you for this and more. Shall purchase book to help improve get on with learning a new way to understand my situation and to walk stronger with Christ. Amen
(MALAYSIA) It felt good reading your comment. I am a very different person at work. Jovial. I feel there are people who need and admire me there. Once I step into our house I become a completely different person. Silent. Not myself.
I lie with my in laws and our house isn’t so big. There is not much privacy between my husband and I to express ourselves. I feel like being watched and heard all the time. I blame this very situation for my husband’s lack of emotional connection. It in turn makes me me angry towards my in laws for forcing us to live this life. It has been four years and we have not begun to live our lives as a couple fully yet. I need help seriously.
Each day, at home, if I am not working and meeting my colleagues, I grow depressed and anxious. Such days I have thoughts of suicide and divorce – if it wasn’t for my 2 year old son, we would have long gone separate ways. So much so. I have become ashamed of my own feelings of wanting it. I have grown so numb towards him. I see his mother’s face on him and I am beginning to hate him. My heart is beginning to wander elsewhere for attention. If God really wants me to pay attention to him why did he create this path of marriage for me and trap me in this way?
(MALAYSIA) Dear Kay, Im facing the same problem as you. Probably because we are Asian. No denying that most Asian men respect their parents more than us spouses, which I’m kinda taking time to accept this fact. I too, had encountered times of depression, no where to turn to. All I ever wished was that they’d dissapear from my life where my family, me, my husband and my son live happily without THEIR interference.