Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(CANADA) To everyone who has posted. My heart breaks for everyone trapped in a marriage that is impossible. These are not the voices of frivolous or selfish women, ready to leave a man because he leaves his socks on the floor or cannot read their minds, or is no longer exciting. These are the voices of women who have tried every marriage building tool possible. They have prayed and pleaded. They have argued and begged forgiveness. They have screamed and battled until they have become women they no longer recognize or respect.
They have probably been to Marriage encounter weekends (if the husband will go). They have been to individual counselling, if they have been convinced that the problem is theirs, and they have gone to couples counselling if possible. They have read self help books. They have searched diligently for the psychological triggers that they might be responsible for, that cause their husband’s behavior. They have blamed themselves entirely. They have blamed their husbands entirely. They have tried to change physically and emotionally. They have learned to demand less, expect less, redirect their energy, search for safe friendships to fill the void in their hearts, and poured themselves into raising their children. In short, they have tried everything.
Sadly, the advice that the present church has for such women is… just keep trying. Under no circumstances consider divorce. Divorce is a sin. God hates divorce. (By the way, who doesn’t hate divorce? It is spiritual amputation.) But does God hate divorce? Or does he hate hard-heartedness, and treachery?
When Jesus said Moses allowed divorce because men’s hearts were hard, and we lay that hard heartedness upon a woman because she desires to be free from the betrayal and hopelessness of an unloving spouse, we are misusing God’s word. Of course divorce is awful. But it is the sin that leads to divorce that is what breaks God’s heart. And the lives of women who valiantly try everything possible to salvage a marriage all alone also break God’s heart.
By the way… scripture says once in Malachi that God hates divorce, and the translation has been disputed, as it is clear that God hates the TREACHERY that leads to divorce. Look up the scriptures in the Old Testament of things that God finds detestable, or things that he loathes. Dozens of them can be found. God hates injustice and treachery and false witness.
(USA) My husband just told me Sunday that he is not coming back. He told me to sell the house and he will take money out of his investment funds for me to start over. Wow! I was floored but you are so right when you said to focus on my relationship with God. I have looked for my husband to fill a void that only God can fill with his Word and Love. I do love my husband and want this marriage to be healed by God.
(USA) Many prayers –focus on the good and God’s love for you.
(AUSTRALIA) We have just had the worst day for a long time. This week I have been very pensive about our relationship and marriage. I have been unhappy for many years. We have been together for over 30 years and married for 20 years. We have lived in different places in Australia and overseas and have many good and bad life and work experiences. During all this time he has been very uncommunicative and what I now realise, very emotionally distant.
This week I came to the conclusion that I hate our marriage and I hate our relationship and I no longer want it. Also, where as once before I loved him I am now finding that I dislike him almost to the point of hating him. That said, it doesn’t mean that another type of relationship and marriage with him that is more productive, mutually respectful, happy and healthy is not achievable. It can only be achievable if both parties want it.
I am absolutely convinced after today that he is not willing to acknowledge my feelings and does not respect my needs, wants and life’s desires. It’s always been like getting blood out of a stone.
My only problem is that he is such a wonderful man in so many other ways, so I can’t understand why it can’t work. I just want more understanding, more respect and more communication. Is that so much to ask?
One important point, I have denied myself over these many years many of my own desires, life and career choices just to be with him and so things could be easy for us. This has caused me terrible pain and I know it is my responsibility, but I have never felt strong enough to pursue a life of my own and be with him. It seems I can’t have both. I now realise I was/am wrong to give up my life for love.
I find myself again making career/job choices just to keep the peace and keep the money rolling in. Nothing is ever resolved. I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do?
I can only say that I do not want to be with him anymore in this relationship and marriage and want him to leave. I want to pursue my life on my own, which is scary but not as scary as feeling alone in this relationship.
(CANADA) I have been married of four years and it has been a rough 4 years. I was just informed today that I easily frustrate and aggravate my husband and he does not know why. No matter what I do to make him happy it does not seem to work. The worst part is we just had our third child three months ago. I don’t want to lose him but I just don’t know what to do anymore.
(NEW ZEALAND) In my view I feel that if men truly love their wives and not lose them to someone else or have a broken marriage, they need to learn about women. The same is true for women needing to learn about men. Maybe if we did that we would not have so many problems with marriages and no one would get hurt. But some men and women only care for themselves.
(USA) I am confused. I have been living with my fiancé for three years. I have a son from a previous relationship and he has two children from his previous marriage. He is an easy going, responsible, loyal man. I love him, yet there is a distance. I have approached him a few times over the years expressing how I feel this emotional distance and how our relationship seems so on the surface most of the time.
He says he loves me and would do what I would ask, yet he doesn’t make a real effort to meet me emotionally even with a road map. He acknowledges my feelings but doesn’t do anything to really meet the emotional half way point so more growth can begin. He seems distant from my son who has many needs and isn’t really invested in him, but I cannot force the issue.
Recently he blew up at me and this has happened before. I have outside stresses and need a shoulder to depend on, a strong person and suddenly I get a backlash. We are planning to get married in six months. I am seriously reconsidering since he just seems to retreat and wallow in his own guilt for his own behavior. Advice?
(US) We’ll I have to say in my previous marriage I was unemotional, evasive, defensive and had a decreased sexual desire. I had no idea why I had all these barriers with my wife. As I was trying to self-diagnosis why I was such a jerk I came across a group, Adult Children of Alcoholics. It described me and my reactions to a T. Mainly anyone that grows up in a dysfunctional household will react certain ways in situations.
Ex: Anytime anyone would present an issue they were having with me I would instantly turn it back around on them. Rather than address the situation I would interpret it as a personal attack (which is was not), get defensive and turn the situation around. Therefore, the issue was never addressed as it should have been. I’ve read so many of the ACOA books, attending meetings, etc… Mainly it is being aware of why I’ve acted the way I have, being aware of it on a daily basis and wanting/desiring to have a more indepth and deep connection with my future mate. GOOD LUCK!
(USA) Isn’t it true that if a wife tries to examine the way that she responds to her husband, correct her response to him accordingly (basically try to not upset him by tip-toeing around the real issue at hand) so that she can enjoy personal stability? But really what she is doing is “settling for less than what she deserves and needs from her husband for the rest of the marriage.
I get that she needs personal stability, I do. But, come on you guys. Can’t you just give her what she needs? Can’t you always allow her to love you for all the reasons she said “YES” to you in the first place. Don’t ever stop being the man she first fell in love with. Why do men let that go? I’ll never understand it ~ NEVER!!! But, I will continue to work on myself and my stability. It just SUCKS and BITES so bad that he cannot stay that man, the one who stole your heart.
(US) Stacy, I hear ya! The man who stole my heart is no where near the man I’m married to now. I’m in the same boat, I thought things would be great. But since we got married he’s very evasive and wants nothing to do with me or sex, unless I can help him in some way so he doesn’t have to deal with things that make him uncomfortable, which is almost everything outside of his job and his hobbies.
The reason they don’t stay the same in my opinion, is in the beginning what I got was fake. It was false advertising. He did what he had to do to woo me in… flowers, trips, jewelry and sweet words and then when he knew he had me it all changed. He put on a great show… now the show has soured into a horrible marriage.
I get that he’s an emotional cripple, and that his upbringing sucked. I just wish the rest of his life didn’t have to stink because of things that happened to him that were beyond his control as a child. I want to have fun, and we could be, but he won’t allow himself to. He blames me for everything wrong in his life, real or imagined. I’m finding that my faith in Jesus is the only thing that keeps me sane. I know that no matter how I feel the Lord is with me. I forgive my husband because I know he’s a victim of things that crippled him long ago. Honestly I just want to love him. He has no interest in being loved, just being a perpetual victim and how I’m so horrible that his life has to stink. He claims he doesn’t have money now so how could he possibly be happy? To him money equals happiness. There is now no joy in his life. I’ve found ways to enjoy my life and find small happiness outside of him. It’s enough to keep me sane. I do know that I’m not responsible for all his misery.
We both used to be a big mess, I sought help in Jesus and my life is better. I’ve changed and I’ve grown into a person who challenges themselves and gets through my own junk. Now all that’s left is him his junk. He yells and screams, tries to shame and blame, and throws fits that can only be riveled by a 4 year old. I don’t receive it, I dont believe it, and I pray for him. I hate living this life with him, but at least I know that I’m not alone. Lately hes taken to telling me how much he can’t stand my family. It’s just another level of trying to get under my skin and get some of his nasty little control back. I forgive him, and I pray for him. The rest is in God’s hands. I can’t change him I can only change me, and put him and the rest of his garbage in the Lord’s hands. I pray the Lord opens his eyes to him. I married for better or for worse… this is the worse. I won’t leave, and I will continue to pray for him.
He always tells me this isn’t what he signed up for. Well, it’s not what I signed up for either but it’s what I got. Men can put on a good fake Prince Charming act to get what they think they want. It’s fake. Not all men are fake, so it’s hard to see it. I was treated like a princess. How was I to know? I thought that our life together was going to be awesome, and now it’s not so much. I haven’t given up on us yet, but it’s just so annoying to have to listen to his garbage on a daily basis and to be abandoned all the time, especially when I really need him. I had no idea how prevalent this was. I truly feel so sad that so many have to live this way also. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers.
(USA) You have very valid points… you do. But, the fact is that men allow themselves to stop being the man she fell in love with because it is easier. They are not bad guys, just selfish. I have a very nice husband. He’s ventured out there on the internet and been involved in an emotional affair (though brief and probably because I caught him), but for the most part he’s an AMAZING guy.
So why do I hurt every day of my life with this amazing man? Because he let me down. I have forgiven him. I have tried to bring myself to a place of emotional stability after the disappointments. But, the truth is… when a husband lets his wife down ~he lets her down forever. She may move on and forgive but forgetting just is not a part of a woman’s intellectual anatomy. Instead we work on ways to deal with our new feelings of disappointment and sadness. We lift our own selves up, with God’s hand’s.
Our husbands inevitably become oblivious to our newly developed ways of thinking and they don’t even know that we are still internally disappointed and mistrusting of them. They don’t even have a part in lifting us up, they are not even involved in the emotional education we so desperately seek and need. I bet they don’t even care to be part of that, it would mean they would actually have to step up and accept responsibility for her disappointments and crap, maybe even fix themselves, oh no!!!
They (most men, the cowards) say “I’m sorry” once, maybe twice and then expect to never go there again. If you even try, most men have an amazing ability to twist words and place the blame on the victim ~that is you ladies! And then what happens is you get to that place where you start to do the self improvements, etc… and alone you will do that! That’s where divorce might happen and men can never understand what went wrong!
(USA) Stacy Marie, you sound as if you have been let down by your husband and have not truly forgiven him yet. You say you have, but I do not get the sense that is true. You love him deeply but that love is now burdened with disappointment and you do not know how to get past it?
(USA) There is truth to what you say. I don’t know how to get past my disappointment in my husband. Truthfully, I feel so let down that it is depressing. But, I press on and pretend as if I am fine because I love him so much and he is under a lot of stress with work, finances, etc… I don’t wish to burden him or punish him. I just want to be true to my own self and figure a way to grieve for the way our relationship used to be while trying to make it new and even stronger. Is that even possible to do alone? I really don’t know how.
If I try to talk to him, even a little, he gets defensive and almost argumentative, as if I have done something wrong. I am just stuck. I love this man. I can’t help that, he’s in my heart and he will always be. I just find it difficult to love someone so deeply and be disappointed at the same time in that very person. I wonder, is there something wrong with me?
but the sad thing is the continuation of his behavior will cause resentment and hate…yes hate…
(USA) Of course there’s nothing wrong with you. The only thing that is wrong is your husband let you down and you are now grieving alone. It’s not possible for a woman to simply get over it. My guess is you do not want to share this with anyone because people can be harsh and you are fearful that your husband will be judged by them and you are embarrassed by his actions. So what you do now is deal with this on your own and that is an extremely dangerous place to be in a marriage. Eventually there will be a bridge that cannot be fixed. You must seek help. He must accept that he hurt you and help you through this. I have been there and I know this is true. You both must pray together for God to help you. Good luck.
(USA) I am sad all the time. I cannot pretend I am not hurting anymore. Yet, I cannot talk to him. He gets defensive and we end up arguing, at this point it is even worse. I hate who I am right now. The worst part is, I loved who I was before his lies. I loved me! Now I am this sad, pathetic little person.
(USA) I was up crying last night, so hard that because my head was lying on my cell phone after I spoke with my life long friend, the tears ruined my phone. I awakened at 3 am with a splitting headache… I had to call into work today. My husband thinks it was a migraine and has no idea I was just so overcome with grief that my crying made me feel physically ill, well into the next day.
I know I cannot live like this any longer. I just do not have a clue what to do in order to fix “US”, or rather “fix me”. I cannot burden him, he is overwhelmed with responsibility at his business and financial worries. It would be selfish for me to do that now. Any suggestions? I am in counseling, but she rarely has openings and my time with her is limited to 10 visits, having used 5 already I try to save my remaining visits so that maybe my husband can join us someday.
Praying makes me feel better, but only for a day or two. Not to trivialize the importance of praying. I just wonder …what should I do? Talk to him and just deal with things or is it best for me to keep trying to push through this on my own?
(USA) You can’t really truly forgive something that is ongoing. It is also giving tacit approval to wrong behavior. True and complete forgiveness is not one sided, it requires both people. One to forgive and one to be truly sorry. To be truly sorry, the behavior has to stop (or at the very least efforts made at improving), reparations made, and the person has to be sorry. When this happens forgiveness is easy.
(USA) Of course men expect to say sorry once and never go there. That’s God’s standard. Once you confess your sin, scripture says he doesn’t remember it.
If you are hanging on to ANYTHING that he’s confessed, then I suggest you are not following what scripture teaches. I’m not saying it’s easy. What I am saying is hanging on to it is neither scriptural nor relationally sound.
The placing the blame on the victim is a gender neutral trait. My ex-wife did a pretty good job of blaming me for her affair.
Seems here like you want your husband to lift you up, while you are tearing him down. That probably will not work out well.
(USA) Tony, the Bible sets the standard for a husband and wife. The wife is to be a helpmate. The husband is mentioned most. “Husbands, love your wife as Christ has loved the church.” How much did Christ love the church? He died for the church. So instead of getting into a logical match, I’ll quote as scripture defines the husbands role.
Ask many Christian husbands to summarize their biblical duty in one word, and they will answer, “Leadership.” Scripture answers the question with a different word: love.
There is no doubt that God’s design for you if you’re a husband includes the aspect of leadership. But it is a leadership that flows from love and is always tempered by tender, caring affection. The husband’s proper role as a loving, nurturing head is best epitomized by Christ, who took the servant’s role to wash His disciples’ feet (John 13:3-17).
It is significant that before the apostle Paul instructs husbands and wives how to love each other that he calls for mutual submission. The New American Standard Bible renders Ephesians 5:21 this way: “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” That’s a general command to all Christians in all contexts.
Husbands are no exception to this rule. The love you are to show your wife involves submission. It is colored and characterized by meekness, tenderness, and service. It is a humble, servant’s love, like that of Christ.
Submission is what sets the stage for Paul’s instructions to husbands: “Love your wives” (v. 25). The whole idea of the husband’s headship is a comparison to Christ. The husband’s headship over the wife is likened to Christ’s headship over the church. “The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church” (v. 23). Therefore your love for your wife is supposed to be like Christ’s love for the church: “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (v. 25).
(USA) Shirley, OK, I guess I’m not following how that says it’s ok to “keep going there” when a husband has confessed, said he’s sorry, and so forth?
If you are saying that he’s supposed to never make a mistake, then I suggest you return to Matthew 7:3-5. The wife (or husband) that keeps going back to discuss things they think their spouse is doing wrong is not taking the time to deal with the beam in his/her own eye.
I get what you are saying… if someone male or female makes a mistake… do not keep going back to the mistake. But what people do not get is that sometimes their behavior will mimic what it was at time of mistake and their partner starts reliving the time of the great hurt. This is why many couples simply cannot stay together. Old behaviors really don’t change. A person has to know themselves better than the person they are trying to forgive.
If you cannot adapt well, then better have your life planned out after “the big hurt” because old behaviors will and can surface. Traditionally women find themselves in precarious situations because of following traditional roles. Men were the income provider… mom the caretaker of children and home. We know now that women libbers back in the early seventies were right… such smart women.
Sadly, for me, I never had a chance given the fact that my mother detested her female children and made all four of us leave by our 16th birthday. In spite of that, we were all level headed women who thought we had recovered well by marrying men who had the same level headed attitudes. We were just not educated well and by the time we did go to clg as adults… raise kids… the job market was still not paying women well unless they had years of experiences. Our circumstances just did not allow it all for us. All of us learned our husbands were fraught with issues that destroyed the women that promised to follow them through life.
So argue your point but remember that we are human too. We would like to forget but many times we just cannot. I no longer trust people in general, not with my heart, my money or anything that means anything to me. Men’s sex drives make them deviantly behaved people… they lust for younger women.
(USA) Tony, if a man loves a woman as Christ loves the church he will be there for her in every way imaginable. My husband came in from work for years, and went to sleep on the couch. I had supper cooked, a clean house, and had taken care of the kids. I kept myself physically fit, and I have a college degree.
My parents died, and their estate made it possible for me to be a stay at home mom. Our sex life is amazing, but when it is the only time he ever touches me I feel used. It seems as if that part of our marriage is just a release for him. Women are designed to need more than that. He is usually asleep within two minutes after this incident. I am ready to talk and cuddle. I have cried myself to sleep many times after sexual intercourse.
What is a woman to do? She has honest needs. I have asked very nicely. It is not a place that he wants to go. He is comfortable, and I want to be treated nicely. I am taken for granted. I have asked very nicely for conversation. He has not talked to me for more than two hours this year. I am ready to cheat as I do have those that seem to want and desire my attention, but then I would be considered worse than dirt. What is the answer Tony?
Since you seem to be similar to my husband. He paid me lots of attention when we were dating. We talked all night on several occasions. It’s as if he flattered me to get me and then as long as he gets his sexual release he is done. After you get her you have gotta keep her. I am sorry that you feel that it is just who you are, and that gives you the okay not to change. I do believe that, but within that same context there is the world that involves cause and effect. I may go where I can get some conversation.
Martha, Can’t you find other gals to be with, where you can have good conversation? Why does it have to be with a man you can cheat with?Please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They aren’t. You’re taking one bad behavior and turning it into justification to add onto it additional bad behavior. Please don’t sink down to this level.
How does it help your children to be a “stay-at-home mom” when mom is out cheating on their father (even if their father isn’t doing what he should be doing)? I’m sure it won’t help them much when their home breaks apart or turns into World War 3 because their dad didn’t “talk” to you or “cuddle.”
Yes, your husband should talk to you, cuddle and romance you. And yes, it’s not a good thing that he doesn’t see the need. But please don’t allow yourself to justify cheating because it. It’s better to keep approaching your husband on this issue at different times, and/or asking him to take you out on dates (we have some talking ones posted on our web site in the “Romantic Ideas” topic). Keep approaching him in different ways. The Bible tells us to persevere. So persevere and be wise and look for ways to be creative in getting your husband to talk to you, perhaps, BEFORE making love or such. Come on. God made you smart. Use the brain God gave you to find ways to help nudge your husband little by little to step outside of his comfort zone. And if necessary, find gal-friends to fill in the talking gap that you may experience from time-to-time.
If not, then find a marriage-friendly counselor who you can brain-storm with to think of some ways to get what you long for from your husband without cheating. I’ve found that women can be quite resourceful in finding ways to accomplish what we want when we apply ourselves and quit looking at what “should” happen and who should do the “initiating” when a need is at hand. Obviously, your husband needs more than a little help in growing in this area of your marriage. “Help” him. Find ways to inspire and encourage him to be intentional in meeting your emotional needs. Perhaps even tell him about your being tempted to cheat because of your loneliness. But don’t do it in a slamming, critical way. You could slam his mind closed to the idea.
At first he may not be as responsive to the idea as he should, but eventually, you may be surprised at how he will accept and perhaps even enjoy this new stage of growth. That’s what happened with my husband and now, we talk A LOT –like we did before marriage, but with a deeper commitment involved and history together. I hope this will happen for you and your husband. I pray wisdom and discernment for you on working on this marital issue.
(USA) Tony, you have so much to learn about women. I’m happy you know about Christ’s love and forgiveness. But don’t you wish to know about women and how he made us? We are not like you, we need more. We are still good women, if when it’s tough to forgive ~we are good and God loves us. Do we need to try harder? Yes we do! But, we also need our husbands to submit to their wrongs more sincerely than just an occasional I am sorry. In fact, if they just submitted sincerely the first time there would be no need for the occasional apology.
My thoughts are this, you say your wife did a good job of blaming you for her affair. Maybe you should just take the time out to focus on your existing wife, if you have one, and see what happens? Really focus on her. Watch her, see what she likes. See what makes her smile and then try to see what happens when you fulfill her completely that way. If your last wife left you ~ I bet there was a reason. I’m just saying this, if you fulfill your wife, they WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Fill her glass up and overflow her with love. What’s it going to hurt? Why do you try so hard to figure out reasons why you shouldn’t have to give her what she needs? God want’s you to love her completely.
(USA) Stacey, Why does it seem to be a one-way street? You suggest (in a topic directed at women to suggest things THEY CAN DO to address their side of the street) that somehow I’m not doing something I should be doing? Frankly, when I watch women, I see things that make no sense. Think of that Tim Allen stand up skit where he watches his wife pluck, wax and totally remove her eyebrows and then paint new ones on. Sometimes, I see things that make about as much sense as that.
Now if we are to take Shirley at her word, then the husband is called to be the leader. So why are folks expecting to change the leader so he is more like those he is called to lead? If he is to lead, then isn’t it the other way around? Those being lead are to adopt the ways of the leader? Otherwise, who is leading whom?
And what is love? It’s not some romantic comedy. It was Christ dying on the cross. That’s now flowers and dinners and all the things that the world would tell us is love.
Now I’m not suggesting he not live with her in an understanding way. So please don’t misunderstand. I’m simply asking what I hope to be a thought provoking rhetorical questions.
So one of those oxymorons I’ve observed is women cry out for love, but most have such a worldly distorted view of what love really is that they don’t recognize it when they see it. So they wrongly accuse their husbands of not loving them, instead of asking them how they are demonstrating their love towards their brides. I honestly believe that many if not most complaints about not being loved are merely the inability or unwillingness to see the love that is demonstrated on a daily basis. So instead of accepting that love, they pluck it out and paint on their self-made idea of what constitutes love.
(USA) I am so sad for you. You seem very nice, and extremely educated. I can only imagine that you have some sort of Social Work or Psychology background, trying to figure all the logic into every little aspect of your relationship ~ therefore, I believe, missing out on so very much. I know you will not see it. It’s too late for you.
I hear what you say about the plucking and painting (nice metaphor) but the reality is not that she does that because she wishes to rid away with an eye brow so she can have the luxury of painting a new one on (we hate doing that). She does that because the eyebrows she has are not full enough or straight enough or whatever it is that is not pretty enough in her eyes. She is just trying to make them perfect, so she feels pretty. Maybe, to use your eyebrow metaphor, maybe she is trying to pluck you and perfect you into what I bet you probably were when you were dating!
I bet you anything you wrote her love letters. I bet you anything you did little things for her that made her smile from ear to ear, making her feel loved and secure. Just like at one time in her life she never gave her eyebrows a thought, she liked herself just the way she way. I bet while you were dating she never imagined your relationship would ever be anything but that way! Romantic and perfect.
You can go ahead and dissect until you are blue in the face. Stick with that and see where it gets you. I hope it gets you a life time of love and joy with a woman. But, my guess is it gets you PLUCKED some day. Why not just give her what she needs? What’s it going to hurt? Love the heck out of her, watch her beam with love and admiration for you. I am telling you this will work. Also, try to let that Ex of yours go, or whatever it is she did to mess you up so badly. It might help you out!!
(USA) Stacey Marie, Actually, I’m an engineer :) but yes, multiple degrees. It’s odd, I wasn’t even talking about my ex-wife, just women in general. So I have to ask, who is dissecting whom?
Funny thing. Guys (or gals) really are not fix-it-up projects. So if a wife is trying to perfect her husband, I suspect she will not find that a fruitful avenue.
Instead of focusing on what you think the other person is or isn’t doing I’ve suggested that folks address their own side of the street. So I would take that advice you offer back to the wife who is trying to fix her husband (or the husband trying to fix his wife) and work your side of the street. Make sure you are doing the things you did when dating. Find him interesting. Re-create the dates you had before you were dating. Or at least don’t say no, we can’t do that now when he brings them up.
When you ask him to quit traveling for work, something he did when you were dating, actually act like you want him at home. In other words, don’t complain about him being gone and when he does change jobs to be home more as you asked, don’t park yourself in front of the TV or spend 99.44% of your time with things other than him.
I don’t disagree with your advice, I simply don’t think it applies in one direction. Both husbands and wives can (not saying all do) get distracted by life after marriage. Before marriage, probably no kids, you may not be fully invested in a career, you probably don’t own a home, or have a mortgage, and it appears most were not saving for retirement, etc.
After you get married, both husband and wife have their distractions. Typically for husbands it’s a career. For wives, typically it’s children. They both tend to put marriage last, thinking other things are important, or that marriage can wait. And one or both complain that they’re not close. Well, how can they be if both are putting children, careers, or any other worldly pursuit before their spouse?
However, even more often than that, I think folks try to mold and shape their spouse into what they THINK he SHOULD be. That’s a sure fired way to create distance.
(USA) Tony, you made really good points to me. I also believe it is a two way street. Women should also tune into a man’s needs just as he should tune into hers. And I agree, it is easy to get lost in the moment (hectic schedules, kids, life, work, etc..). Couples really need to spend time with each other and try to get away from the daily stuff somehow. But, I especially want you to understand one thing about a woman. We love the stuff that made us fall in love with you in the first place. We long for it the way most men long to see the big game they just cannot resist watching. If you gave it to us in the beginning and for some reason stopped, we pull back from you emotionally and then things begin to fall apart from there. I think we can get to a certain point where we learn to simply live without it ~ but then, it is a very risky place for a marriage. This place, to my knowledge, seems to be the place when most men feel comfortable with things, happy & at ease. Women seem to just feel numb, ok, unsatisfied but content for the most part. It is a risk place for her if she is not aware of where her heart and mind are at an emotional level. She better work hard to make her relationship with her husband stronger or remaining “stagnant” will eventually wear on her and the first man to show her attention can be very attractive to her. This is what men should be aware of. KEEP YOUR WIFE FILLED WITH LOVE AND SHE WILL WANT TO STAY WITH YOU FOREVER! She will adore you forever and feel so happy that no one can ever look more attractive than you, even through old age, you will look better than ever to her. All because she feels so loved and cherished; she loves you fully because you too have been loving her fully. I’m just saying, don’t let it get there. I wish you the best. :) Stacy Marie.
(USA) Tony, I just want to let you know that I agree with Shirley concerning how a man should love his wife. Yes, both spouses have a great responsibility because their love is supposed to be a represenation of Christ’s love for us. Regardless of how one may feel towards the other, both spouses have a responsibility to each other and to uphold their vows they made with each other and Christ because it is a Holy covenant.
With that said, also, there must also be an order within the marriage, and that is God, the husband, and the wife. As a man of God, the husband has a great responsibility because he is deemed the head of his household; therefore, he has a responsibility to love, respect, and cherish his wife. The Bible stated that he that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing. I don’t know your situation and whatever it was, I will pray for you and that situation that there will be peace and healing.
Also, yes you do have a point concerning the confession of a spouse’s mistake, which is to confess and let go, but remember after the confession of their mistake, that spouse has done their part, and now the other has to forgive and let it go. If they don’t then God will hold them accountable. The best thing a husband can do for an unforgiving spouse is to pray for them and be an example despite how we feel because that is how Christ loved and loves us. If Christ had our same attitude, we wouldn’t have his grace and mercy on us right now.
Christ love isn’t a logical one, it’s just pure genuine love towards us, and that is how we must love our spouses. Once you let the love of Christ into your heart as the husband, then that love will spill over into the wife. Remember, we do not wrestle against flesh and blood. The true peace breaker is the enemy, satan, who wants everyone’s marriage to be broken and destroyed, not the spouse, so when you pray, pray against the enemy who is trying to use your spouse against you. He is the one who truly distorts our thinking concerning our spouse, and the one who hardens our hearts. No matter what, love your spouse, and as a man of God, true change can only take place when he is in line with the will of God. And if that man is in line with the will of God, then true love will cast out all fears; therefore, casting down those mental strongholds that make us feel unsafe, which are lies from satan.
Remember God doesn’t want us to hold onto and bottle up our fears and frustrations, we must cast our cares upon Jesus and ask him to give us direction on how to handle our spouse. If God is at the center, he will give you proper instruction on how to defeat satan’s strongholds. With Christ love my brother, Angel
(USA) Tony, have you no empathy?!
(USA) Sure I have empathy. I feel for husbands who have tried their best, loving their wives as God would have them love, only to be told they didn’t do it right. Only to be blamed by ungrateful wives and a church that is unwilling to confront the selfish attitudes of those they feel are too weak to take the truth.
The truth is both men and women are sinners. One is not worse than the other. Yet when we have a topic about how women can address their side of the street and I see it turn into another “blame men for what’s wrong” discussion instead of discussing ways to address the actions, thoughts and attitudes of the wife, I have a great deal of empathy for the husbands who suffer under wives who are unwilling or unable to see the beam in their own eyes when pointing out the splinter in the eyes of their husbands.
I have empathy. But apparently even that is subject to criticism, because I don’t have the “right” empathy.
(US) I am truly married to my best friend. He has flaws and I do too! The issue I run into is the fact that this season (he is a b-ball coach for 3 years), he has been unavailable in every aspect (in the parenting department, emotionally to me when I am sharing good news about the children or me…). I told him last night that I am waiting for him to be present in our marriage. He thinks he got the point.
I used to threaten him with divorce often (due to his pornography “addiction”). I promised I wouldn’t do that anymore (unless of course I meant it). I am trying not to head into that destructive pattern. I am just annoyed with this (he is hardly home and when he is, he’s passive). It reminds me of the feelings I had when he was really into porn. He was passive. He wanted sex without intimacy.
I know I should try to like b-ball. I just can’t stand the sport. Our kids are young (5 and 2) and my youngest is a “runner.” So if my youngest is not strapped into some seat, the outing is a complete nightmare!
Can anyone give me some insight in how to deal with this? I know divorce is silly at this point. I just need to not raise the kids on my own.
(USA) Thank you LT, I really needed this reminder tonight. God bless you abundantly!
(USA) My husband wants nothing to do with me. We have been married 45 years and only had sex once in the entire 45 years. He went back to work the day after we were married and it was the midnight shift and stayed there for 40 years till he retired. Also to get away from me he moved to the basement and built himself a small apartment type thing. So we do not associate, have dinner, talk or sleep together.
I have been so depressed, lonely, unwanted and unloved. I maybe should have left him but I do believe in our wedding vows. I try to be away from the house as much as possible. I go on vacation with our church group. He never has missed me, or asked where I’ve been. I just hope one day it will be over and God will take me away.
Sex only once in 45 years…c’mon. You should’ve left 44 years ago. if this IS real. It’s REALLY SAD. what a waste of your life. and what is HE doing with an apartment in your own house?
Yes this is real! This isn’t a made up story, if it was I’d write a book. I hate myself down deep and think I’m ugly and feel like I’m a failure. My anti-depressant helps a lot.
I thought men were wired for sex, but in my case it didn’t happen. The day after our wedding night he told me sex was disgusting and we were disgusting to even have tryed it. He told me also he had no further interest in me or sex and just leave him alone, don’t talk to me and don’t “b” about any thing. I was dumfounded and speechless and thought I would let him cool off. I tried to confide in my mom but they just told me you married him you deal with it.
At this point I was thrown aside by my husband and my folks. I had no where to go no money or any real job. I was the last of my friends to get married and they certainly didn’t want me around them. He had a small house and I went back and I was told by a note that I could stay as long as I want, I could have the upstairs because he was going to build a place for himself downstairs. We’re still not even friends, he’s so bull headed he won’t talk to me or even be in our yard together. After years he moved out of the house and lives in his big fancy garage.
I agree I should have moved on years ago and the lack of money never helped. I would have left if I had some place decent to stay. I did a lot of stupid things when young and I just gave up with everything and wussed out by getting hooked on anti depressant drugs. My life is now mellow, but still upset; it seems I cry at the drop of a hat.
(US) Amy, don’t despair. Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). It sounds like you keep busy in church. Are there other opportunities in the church (nursery help? mentoring youth?)… Anything that steals life from us is not from God. I think getting involved in life giving opportunities can not only enrich and encourage us, but your husband may begin to wonder what has changed with you.
I don’t know you or your husband (so I won’t pretend that I do), but I will pray for you because God knows you best. May God bless you!!! Your sister in Christ, Kiki
(USA) I would be married 53 years if I had stayed in an unloving, marriage. After 36 years, I separated. He didn’t care. After 7 years of separation, I got a divorce. He was angry and refused to give me alimony even though it was the judgement. Had to take him to court. My entire marriage was with a man who “couldn’t” say “I love you”, “You look nice”, etc. Would rage if I asked him to spend time with our eldest son who had “issues”. I asked him to go to marriage counseling when our three were babies, and his raging answer was, “I am the way I am, you take me the way I am”. I shut my mouth to maintain a peaceful home for our children.
After they were grown, ages 19, 21, and 23, I asked again for counseling. We went separately. The doctor eventually told me. “He lies to you all the time about everything”. The doctor also told me about the “head games” my husband was playing and that as I identified the head games and let my husband know I was onto him, he could “up the ante” and the games could get dangerous. That’s exactly what happened. There was a recall on my car’s steering mechanism and he hid the notice, I found out accidentally a year later.
Besides this, he spent all the money so there’d be nothing extra. I went to work, he locked me out of the house, and spent all my money as well. I saved for a car, he spent that as well. He stopped balancing the checkbook and checks bounced. I started to college and he flattened my tires. I had a heart attack and a week later he drank and hit me. That’s when I called him at work and told him not to come home or he’d be served papers.
My reason for telling this is to tell women, if the man refuses to go for help you don’t need to live such an empty life. I stayed so my children would have a “normal” life. Our eldest is angry at me as I had to be the disciplinarian and because I always spoke well of his father. Our son blamed me when we broke up. He said, “You put up with Dad all these years, why not now?” All my family blamed me as well, as I always made him out to be wonderful. My husband never showed his abuse in front of the children, and I never talked about it in front of them.
Once when he was out drinking for 12 hours, he came home at 2 a.m. and beat me horribly. I chose not to tell anyone and not to talk about it, so the children didn’t ask why I was all bruised. Again, protecting him, the children, the marriage. Everything that everyone else mentioned in this blog is exactly what I experienced. I don’t know if it was worth staying and keeping silent for the children. They have successful marriages and I’m hoping it’s because I held our home together. God help us all.
(USA) I am so sorry for all the hurt. And, I can truly understand the reason to stay and reasons to leave. But what I would like to say is how do you know your children all have wonderful blistful marriages? They too may be hiding their misery and pain. You did!
(USA) Grace…you poor lady. I hurt inside..but he has never hit me or hurt me intentionally physically. I have to comment and give you a big virtual HUG!
(USA) LT, I appreciate your comment. It confirms what I have been learning. I was looking to my husband instead of the Lord and when I saw my sin of idolotry, I repented. I am seeing that God meets me so much better in my broken heart. That gentle and quiet spirit that my husband desires is beginning to develop as I keep my heart before the Lord.
I have stopped questionning my husband for the most as to all the whats and whys and what are his feelings so that I can have a connection. I now look at all what I was doing as I was abusing him. He just does not have the capacity; he is limited. Now that I have stopped, it is very interesting that he is coming out of his shell. This all came out of driving in such frustration and crying in desparation to the Lord (and I also wanted to take my life), that is how bad it has been) and I found this website.
I went over so many of the scriptures and saw what I was doing. The truth really set me free and I praise the Lord for it. Then I experienced a woman who is more dignified than I have ever been. I am not trapped in trying to get him to love, open up or anything anymore which always left me feeling even more insecure. I do not need from him like I did and now I am so comforted by the verse that says that his prayers will be hindered if he does not dwell with me according to knowledge because I see that God wants to challenge my husband to see me as the weaker vessel and to run after me and get to know me.
It helps me even feel empowered in the right way as God intended. So, thank you LT for sharing so graciously, it looks like you found the truth that leads to Life..Jesus.!