Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(GREECE) Wow! How precise can all these messages be? Amazing! I find myself in a situation with a nice guy, sociable, nice looking, but totally incapable of showing emotions, particularly towards me.
We have been 3 years in a relationship and 2 1/2 of marriage. Not even once have we ever been out together, just the two of us for dinner. Not even once when he comes home from work does he ask how I am doing. He focuses on whether or not I have carried out all the tasks for the day (cooked the proper food, paid the bills etc.) He hardly ever calls to say I love you. he nevers writes text messages to me.
With all the financial crisis now in our country he worries too much about work and says he doesn’t have the time to care about the relationship or my feelings.
I run the house, I work and I don’t take money from him for my personal expenses. We sometimes even share the bills.
He claims that the household is a female thing but bills and money is a shared one. He is very self centered …
I consciously don’t want to have babies, although I crave for one or two, just because I am wondering that if life continues to be as it is now I will never ever be happy with him, and I am scared that as years pass by I will end up as many ladies in all the previous messages mentioned, lonely, isolated etc.
Is that how a marriage is supposed to be? I am thininking of asking for a divorce. And yes I do get very angry, haven’t had sex for 8 months, I do call him names etc. These days I am so fed up that I tend to leave him at home alone and I go out a lot with my friends. The times I was calm and talkative towards him, I got good behaviour only for limited amount of time.
His opinion is that all marriages have issues and since he is not a cheater I should be appreciative and accept him the way he is. I want to feel, I want to experience, I want to give. I want to take and I don’t mind if I get hurt as long as I have lived!!!
(CANADA) God bless you Raphael. Are there any other men out there like you? You and your wife are very fortunate :)
(USA) WOW, This article really hit me in the face. I have been trying for years to figure out what is wrong with me. My husband is an easy going, happy, outgoing person. He is easy to talk with, for anyone other than me. When we get home he is emotionally distant, refuses to commit to any decision and never gives his point of view. I am shy by nature, so I decided that something is wrong with me. I have tried everything to get him to open up to me.
We recently reached 30 years of marriage. We did not celebrate because I am trying to get over the hurt of discovering that he had been having an affair for 6 months. It has been several months since he finally admitted to it. I was diagnosed with an STD and he convinced me that I must have gotten it somewhere else. He seemed so honest when he said he had never been with anyone else.
Over the past 30 years he has been flirty with women in front of me, so what else does he do behind my back? I have had doubts over the years but he still denies that this has ever happened before. The recent affair has ended and I am left to get over it by myself. He refuses to talk about it and frankly I don’t know what I need to know about it. I am still shocked and confused. This article has opened my eyes. It describes exactly how he avoids communication and emotional connection all during our lives together.
(SPAIN) Hi, My husband is the pastor, so I can’t go there for help, nor can I talk to anyone else, lest he lose his position. He is and always has been constantly evasive, avoiding any sharing. He won’t talk about life decisions, share his thoughts or feelings, but I am expected to support him to the hilt in his ministry -turn up to every church event and smile. I feel so very alone and we’ve been married for 38 years next month.
We work abroad and that adds to the aloneness. There’s no counselor anywhere near -in fact few other English speaking Christians. He hides out of deep seated fear -though it took me years to realise that. He was so confident but it masked insecurity, big time. I should have realized when during our engagement he always avoided praying with me -too tired or under pressure -still, the same excuses for loads of “together” things for 38 years now. He has avoided doing anything about a pension or a place to live. Avoidance of all responsibilities is normal. He says nobody showed him how to do these things, so again and again I try to pick up the pieces of an avoidant life. He is so unbelievably passive yet aggressive if I face him about any of them.
What I find really difficult is that he turns every conversation into a conflict. If I mention something is wrong, he says “you do this”, making an accusation against me and turning totally away from what I raised. He always avoids what I say. I used to try to deal with what he said about me. Now I don’t cooperate along that route, so a conflict ensues. We argue now almost every day, usually for at least a couple of hours. I suppose I am so desperate now having waited patiently and blamed myself for so long that I don’t let him get away with his avoidance, so it ends in an argument. I tried every way I knew to improve so he would one day love me. Now I’m old and disappointed and have given up on battering myself with not being perfect. He just says I’m negative now. I am. I have no hope left.
He would not allow me to get a job for most of our married life. Eventually I did and have a tiny, tiny pension. He has nothing and will be dependent on me when he retires in 2 years time. All he has is the UK state pension.
I would love to be free to move away, to find out what it’s like to relax in your own home and not be “on guard” all the time. I skipped church today -just can’t listen to another one of his sermons. He is often agreeable and people like him -though he did have to leave our other two churches because he was accused of lying. He lies when he’s in a corner or when he feels threatened. He will say anything that comes into his head. I want to help him and I want to be happy -even for a few years. How do I stop taking responsibility for everything? He leaves it all to me and when I don’t do it things end in disaster. He never protects me or stands with me. Anyone can say anything they want to me or do whatever they want to me (that happens from time to time to a pastor’s wife in church life) and he just smiles at them and is “gracious” -he’s known for being gracious! Just not to me behind closed doors. All he does all day is read Christian books -it’s an addiction. He spends a fortune on them -has well over 3000 in his study. Just think of the pension he could have provided!
Anyhow too late for that now. What do I do? I don’t even want to be part of his church anymore. Help.
Annie, I’m so sorry that you feel so alone. Unfortunately, because you’re in ministry, you don’t have access to talk through your situations with the same freedom others are able to do. As a Pastor’s wife though, you do have organizations to contact, which could give you some type of counsel with those who can keep your confidence and understand your problems better than those who aren’t in ministry. The one I think of in particular that you might contact is found at http://www.Parsonage.org.
They are an international ministry so it’s possible they would have someone you could talk to and help you to feel less hopeless. They minister to Pastor’s wives, as well as Pastor’s. Please consider contacting them Annie. I believe your situation isn’t as hopeless as it may seem at this time. I pray for you Annie. I’ve been praying for you since you wrote and will continue to do so. I pray the Lord brings you a special blessing so you feel encouraged.
(USA) I am inspired by your comments. My spouse is not only distant but suffers from untreated depression and recently suffered the loss of his father. He is becoming more withdrawn, irritable and belittling. I try to be supportive but realize at times I want to coerce him to respond differently and get help. This generally just gets us both hurt, angry and frustrated. The situation is challenging my own ability to cope. . I love him very much. In the last 6 years, I lost my sister, my mother and my brother and know what it is like to loose the ones you dearly love. So, not only am I truly concerned for him but my own grief has resurfaced. When I express my concern for him, he accuses me of selfishness. He tells me I don’t know what he is going through or I have forgotten. It does make me question my motives. I am a Christian and know that by the Grace of God that I have done as well as I have. I am going to continue with increasing fervor to place this at the feet of Jesus. Thank you.
(CANADA) As I am reading all the comments on this blog, it occurs to me that the real reason for a lot of these men to be distant and uninterested in sex with their wives is porn addiction. I went through 2 years of this behavior from my husband before I realized that he was looking at porn sometimes 3-4 times a day. Please read the info on the website ” your brain on porn”. It changes the men’s behavior in all the ways described in the article, while they’re actively watching it and if they don’t watch for a while, they get withdrawal symptoms.
This is a huge problem especially since internet porn is so available now and is being ignored as an actual addiction, which changes the brain just like drugs. Of course the wives all think it is their fault, which it is not so. Please read the blogs from the partner’s point of view too. It is a nasty thing to find out but knowledge is empowering.
(KENYA) I have read to all the comments and I can relate to many of the women on this forum (having been married to an emotionally evasive man for almost 12 years). But I am curious, are these men as emotionally evasive with other people? Do the mistresses (for those who have affairs) see the detachment or is that reserved for the wife? Can my husband’s friends attest to what I see? Just wondering whether anyone would know…
(USA) No they are available for anyone except the spouse. It hurts but it’s true. At least that’s how it is in my marriage.
(USA) That really seems to ring true to me also. Last night I spent 7 hours in the ER with Chest Pain. My husband didn’t even bother to ask if I wanted him to come, but a few months ago someone at his office went to the ER and he stayed there all day. So discouraging.
(NZ) Marls – this is 4 years plus down the track, so I’m not even sure whether you have checked back in with your thread. Be encouraged, the Bible is very specific about allowing divorce where unfaithfulness is concerned, you are completely vindicated in your actions.
(USA) I’ve come upon this page trying to figure out my own marriage. The description resounds my marriage perfectly. What it did not address was the devastion and destruction that it creates. My grandson was 5 years old when my daughter became involved in a battered relationship. My grandson then became a victim of being beaten to a pulp by the boyfriend. I raised this little boy for the better part of his life until his mother moved in with this boyfriend.
She is not my husband’s daughter, but lived with us during her childhood and youth. Hence, she became attracted to unavailable men, following her only example of what a relationship is, not what it should be.
While state attorney’s, victim advocates, and domestic violence agents became involved in pushing for the removal of my grandson my husband pushed even harder to evade and remove himself from it totally and this life threatening event at hand. He was nonsupportive in every way a man of this description could be. He showed no concern whatsoever at the depth of physical abuse a 5 year old child suffered. Actually saw the pictures of the blistered bloody bare skin as well.
The boyfriend was convicted of 3rd degree felony abuse, but only served “community control”. I am now totally alienated from my daughter and the precious bond of a child I deeply love. What I am left with is total isolation from my adult daughter as she clings to this batterer and subjects herself and her son to his rage, covering each sign of damage in it’s wake.
The bottom line is that my husband’s actions resulted in so much trauma that it has affected my health to a serious degree and my husband’s actions or lack of -has created nothing short of regrets, pain, and more. This has pretty much been the final blow to any respect, love or concern for such a man in my life.
The results of this power struggle, while I’m guilty of holding out hope and pushing for his attentiveness and leadership within the family unit, has resulted in so much devastation to our lives it really should be noted. Being a child of God, I doubt I will leave my husband. But I’d welcome his departure to escape the insanity and pain it has brought into my life.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a young man who also experiences this abusive practice. After my wife passed on, I got a friend since my son was very young, four years old, not knowing am in for surprise. Two months after we met, she moved in with us. Knowing as child of a God that you’ve been instructed to love by God’s word. She started to manipulate, emotionally and physically abused. I was poised, arm broken.
When I told her to leave, she opened a case against me that I am abusing her. She continually abused me until I told myself that it’s enough not knowing she’s already fraudulently married me, planning to divorce me to claim half of my assets.
(US) I thank you for this article, of all the articles I could have read through on the internet, I am so thankful God helped me find this one. It’s extremely insightful and thought provoking. I related to almost every comment listed above. I now know that I am not ‘crazy’ in needing more out of our relationship & my (small) expectations aren’t unrealistic.
We have been together for over four years, & married for a little over one. We have a blended family, in which I love his children equivalent to my own because I consider them my own, & our youngest child is ours together. Despite being married for such a short time, I feel isolated & alone. I feel like (& know) I am last on his priority list -himself, the kids, his family, his tasks, sports, his work, internet… The list is ongoing- ALL come before me, or more concerning us!
When we first met, he loved me with same intensity I loved him. We couldn’t get enough of each other’s company. I still love him with that same intensity I loved him then, and it pains me to be in a situation in which my request of reciprocation is shut down. I ask for nothing more. I do not believe in divorce. I believe in working at growth. We work two separate shifts, and always my days off are generally during the week, so our schedules never mimic each other’s. I have expressed that perhaps we should start lining up a time during the week for us to have our time, (not even just about sex- which is also withheld unless I make the request, in which it’s always after weeks of not making love and days of me constantly insisting we do- it’s about us connecting w/o kids and w/o external distractions.
My requests for that are never fulfilled. He agrees with me often times to pacify me & when the moment passes, his actions and words never match. I slap on a happy face for our kids, even though I cry almost daily. We have an appointment to see a marriage counselor in a month -the soonest we could get in -but I need help in the mean time. I want our love back. I’m tired of feeling like a doormat for staying in a situation in which he knows he contributes to unhappiness but refuses to change. Suggestions?
(UNITED STATES) This article is so amazing! It hit the nail on the head for me. As I read through the entire thing I kept wanting to stop at different points to make my own comment, but I kept reading. The more I read, the more I felt it was talking to me. I am that emotional woman who feels like my marriage of almost 14 yrs is at a total dry point right now. I never could figure out what the perfect way to describe my husband’s ignoring me until I saw it in this article… evasive… that is so him.
However, I feel as though I’m a lot, if not all, of the things described about the emotional, needy woman. We dated in high school and after 4/5 yrs of dating, we got married, but felt like we were pressured to get married before we wanted to because our parents didn’t want us shacking up. We made things work and then things became really fun and great for us until a few years ago, when the love died out.
Long story short, my spouse went outside for comfort and I was so hurt, even though eventually I said I forgave him and chose to stay. I now know that I purposely made him pay for hurting me by not paying him any attention after that for a long time. Granted that caused more problems because I was too stubborn to realize I had some faults of my own, although it was clearly his decision to go outside, but I did keep myself from him because he hurt me.
My love for this man is so much deeper than he even knows, although I’ve told him this. About 3 yrs ago, the infidelity happened again, this time, in our home. I was so hurt, angry, you name it, I felt it. I left for several months and then returned. He tried to blame me for everything, but eventually accepted his faults.
It was very hard for the first 1 1/2 yrs to not bring it up or point the finger. Now that we’re past that stage, because neither of us wanted to let all the years we’d been together be totally lost or ruined. I admit, I was no angel, but I’ve always been faithful. I may have thought about doing some things, but could never do so, because no matter what, it’s just not in me nor my character.
Now I am the stage where I’m truly trying to make things work and be happy and he’s so distant from me. We know we love each other. He’s constantly mad at me, yells at me at times, and tells me I’m irritating him. And not to mention he just recently lost his job to make matters worse. I feel like I’ve tried so much to make things betters, but I have done all of the things that this article says the woman should refrain from doing to gain the love wanted/needed from her spouse. I’m emotionally drained. I get so tired I don’t want to do anything when I get home and it looks like a total wreck. I have to pick up after my spouse all the time and it’s getting very old. I clean up and the very next day, if not the same day, he dirties something up I’ve just cleaned and just leaves it. So frustrating… urrrggghhhh!!! Even though I’ve clearly read this article, I still feel like I don’t know where to begin.
(USA) Thank you, Rapheal, for owning up. Coming from a wife who feels terribly alone, please reach outside your comfort zone, go to your wife, wrap your arms around her, and tell her you love her. It would probably mean the world to her right now.
(BOTSWANA) I have just read some of the comments and they are helping me. We have been having problems in our marrage.
(USA) I’ve read a number of posts and each one sounds sadder than the last. I am deeply in love with my boyfriend of a year and keep holding on that our relationship will become more intimate again. I definitely follow the characteristics of this except and so does he.
My question, is there hope? I’m praying that there is. My sweetie is a good God-centered man who is generous and kind. I just feel left out of his tenderness. Is there hope for both of us to change and make it work? Praying for God’s guidance.