Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) Excellent article, and of comfort to me after recent tensions rose… Lots of great insight, and deeper understanding of the ‘evasive’ husband than I have perhaps ever seen.
But, I do want to add that evasive husbands (and wives, I suspect) are not solely emotionally evasive. Often, they evade and avoid addressing many of the day to day issues that naturally come up in family life. Finances, saving for retirement and college expenses, the raising of children, decisions regarding where and how to live, when to retire –all of this and more in my experience has been avoided by my spouse.
These types of issues call for serious attention. While I have learned to accept that on an emotional level my spouse cannot/will not always be there for me, how can I –or, even, should I? –accept that my spouse will not address certain key financial issues with me?
My answer to that is a firm “No!”, but I have learned that pressuring my husband to address financial issues comes at a cost. There is almost always some level of tension, or even outright fighting, that precedes our discussions. At least, through calm requests and/or outright upset, I have been able to induce him into somewhat regular talks about money, finances, and work issues. I have been criticized by some friends for doing this. Their approaches were the ‘let it go; it’s not worth it’ old saw…
I have seen this approach come back later and badly hurt these women. Emotional, and even sexual, satisfaction are one type of need in my marriage. I have learned through many years of struggling that I can find satisfaction elsewhere for those needs… But when it comes to issues arising out of our shared, intermingled and legally interdependent financial and work lives, I refuse to back down, knowing full well that to do so is to do so at my peril. Sad, but true. And how far from my expectations so many years ago of what my marriage would be…!
(USA) I just posted below, but after reading more comments must say this– Wow, I am just very impressed with the levels of openness, honesty, and suffering evidenced here. As someone else said, these are not the complaints of immature, impulsive people childishly seeking a “perfect partner.” These are the comments of mature women who have sunk many, many hours, if not days, weeks, and months, into understanding their mates, their selves, and their relationships. These are people who have studied, read, sought out help, confessed, confided, and examined their inner worlds. People who aren’t afraid to take responsibility for their own roles in the problem… People who deserve recognition of all that they have done, and sacrificed, to deepen and strengthen themselves and their families.
I just hope and wish that everyone posting here has found/will find greater peace –both within themselves, and within their relationships.
In my own attempts to sort out my marriage (as well as several other knotty relationships) I have learned a couple things that made a huge difference for me. One is to recognize my own role in causing problems, and to alter my behavior accordingly.
Two is to simply stop asking, or insisting, that certain satisfactions arise from my spouse. To accept him for who he is, and to try to see him in the most positive light possible.
Three is to stay alert to how predictably fatigue, worry, and fear cause everyone’s defenses to rise, and become intractably stubborn. Everyone, no matter how personally ‘evolved’, is at their worst –rigid and reactive –when tired and anxious.
Finally, I have learned that without an understanding of temperament and personality that many people would remain closed books to me. In this regard, I have found that the Myers and Briggs approach to temperament, and the profoundly insightful Enneagram materials on personality, have been invaluable. For those interested in learning about the Enneagram, any of the books by Hudson and Riso are first-rate. And, for a deeper spiritual look at the Enneagram, check out work by Sandra Maitri.
I know, everything I said above is far, far easier *said, than done*. But without self-study, and self knowledge, no real change is possible. Good luck to all!
(UNITED STATES) I’m going through a really hard time in my marriage. I’ve been married for 5 years so far and have 6 children. I feel like I lost my husband somewhere along the way. I tried talking to him about my feelings and his feelings and he thinks we are perfectly fine, but I feel so lonely and unloved. I feel like I’ve become crazy, needy, and depress because he makes me feel like I don’t exist. He never wants to have sex with me, so I always have to beg or I just have to hold out until he wants to do it. He stopped telling me he loves me. I always have to tell him to tell me he loves me just so I feel a little better. He also stopped sleeping on the bed with me. I feel like it’s my fault or something. I’m just so sad about my marriage. I don’t know what happened to the passion and love.
(USA) Please consider the mounting responsibilities your husband and you are going through. Not only is your body still trying to recoup from so many births in such a short time your mind is trying to recouperate as well. I don’t believe that your husband is intentionally ignoring you, I think he’s trying to compensate his own feelings of pressure to provide and deal with a quickly growing family. I think counseling is the best option for both of you. If he won’t go, see someone yourself. It helps to get a third person’s point of view and most places of religion have free or little cost counsel.
Please take the time out for yourself even if it’s one hour a week to speak to someone. It will help you feel more sane and give you the release you need to be a good parent as well as wife. Your feelings are valid so let someone help you work through them. Your spouse is probably having trouble dealing with his own feelings at the moment that it’s hard to make room for someone else’s. I hope this helps.
(US) 26 years old and married now for 6 years, we have 2 kids together and I live everyday as a lie! I put a smile on my face and make my husband sound like the greatest thing on this earth when I talk to others. But at home he tells me that I should be the one to cook and clean, for baths, make school lunches, be a full time mom and also have a full time job! He says that it should be like that in households because that’s how it was when he grew up and that’s all he used to.
Our paychecks are kept apart and I basically have to beg for gas money with which most times he says no because he has no money… Comes home the next day with three new movies. I try to tell him how it upsets me that we don’t act as a married couple but rather just roommates and all of a sudden he thinks I want a divorce and then thinks I’m cheating on him! For Pete’s sake he has a problem when I go out for a drink with one of my sisters at 3 in the afternoon!
I feel that I could be a lot happier without him but there’s still something inside of me that can’t let him go! I’m begging for some help here. I’ve tried asking him if he will go to a counselor with me but says that he’s seen soapy counselors in his life that he could be one… In other words he counsels me and tells me all of my flaws and makes it seem like he’s the perfect man and everything that happens is my fault :( please help me because I don’t want to break up this family. How would that affect my kids?
(USA) I found this article today and it has been a great source of validation for me. I have been married for 14 years and I have to say that my husband and I are closer in some ways than when we were married. With that said, we still continue to struggle with his emotional detachment. We have both matured so much during our marriage and we’ve had two children but in many ways, I feel so alone sometimes. I think now that I’m older and more confident in who I am as a woman and a person, I know what makes me ‘tick’ and I expect my husband to know this too. I know…men can’t read our minds and they never will.
I’m very happy with who I am today versus who I was 20 years ago, but all of my life I wanted and desired affection and intimacy with someone who would give it willingly, abundantly, and often! But sadly, none of my (awful) choices for boyfriends were ever capable of anything but treating a nice girl badly. Shame on them. My husband loves me, at least he tells me that he does but my issue is that he needs to SHOW it. Men…let me be clear, when a woman craves intimacy it means that she wants more than sex. Intimacy with a woman begins in the mind and in the heart. Words and actions begin the seduction! Yes, we want sex (oh, definitely) but we want you to open doors, kiss our neck and whisper how great we look, reach for our hand and gently kiss it…these are all things that make us swoon. It’s the little things!
My husband will sometimes come home from work and barely say five words to me but when I go to bed, he’s ready to have sex and me, I’m mostly hurt and wounded because he’s ignored me most of the evening. Alone time is pretty much non-existent…date night…nope. I have told him over and over, and then over and over again, that we have to do something for us. He hears me but I don’t know if he’s listening…there is a difference. I remember 3 months ago, I started reading a book that basically made my ‘womanhood’ wake up and say, “Here I am!! I’ve been sleeping but I’m here!!”. I was overweight and just going through the motions every day with little satisfaction in or out of the bedroom. Well, I went through an awakening of sorts and I started taking care of me. I began eating like I should’ve always been eating, walking at least 10-15 miles a week and basically rediscovering myself. I had lost 20 pounds at the time (now 30) and my husband was becoming suspicious. He finally sat me down and told me I wasn’t acting ‘normal’ and he asked if I was cheating on him. Okay, seriously? I was shocked. So, he couldn’t notice me or my needs while I was chubby? It took losing weight and, if I say so myself, looking rather great at 42, for him to wake up. Well, it was probably the best thing to happen to us because it finally made him realize I won’t be ignored. I have needs and I’ve always been a faithful wife but there was no way that I could go on living life without receiving the love and affection I need. Since this revelation, our marriage has improved in many ways and we have learned to talk more but there are still ups and downs. Currently, I’m going through a ‘down’. He has become a bit more complacent again, which I’m convinced all men do. I wish that I didn’t have to always remind him that I need him to show me more affection. I want him to be self-aware of his distance and check himself from time to time, but it doesn’t always happen. So for all spouses, male and female, going through this difficult issue, I can only say that I understand your frustrations, times of sadness, loneliness and doubt. I vowed to be faithful to my husband in front of God and I’m happy that my husband is a faithful man, but I pray every day that he will continue to grow into the godly man that I know he can become. I also pray and ask God to change me and to help me deal with years of baggage that come from having boyfriends that rejected my feelings and my needs. I know this still plays a small part in how I react to my husband and I know that I need to change in many ways too. If you truly love your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, don’t give up until you feel you have exhausted every possibility, you can’t do it alone and it’s important to know when you’re giving all of the effort and they’re giving little or none. Good luck to you all!
(USA) So sorry for all your pain and I sincerely mean that but please do tell me what you believe a Christian is.
(USA) Wow, I just stumbled across this site, and after 19 years of frustration dealing with the very issues I am reading in the posts, I feel a little relieved to read that others also experience the emotional distance with their spouse. I had no idea how widespread this issue was-this is an eye opener for me. That oddly gives me hope, because I was beginning to believe that the problem in my marriage was me, for having expectations of tenderness, closeness, sharing, etc with my spouse. My spouse thinks my need for this type of intimacy would be better handled “by a girlfriend”, which I find absurd. Thank you for this site.
(UNITED STATES) My husband is becoming more of a loner over the years. I’ve begged and pleaded with him for us to do things together and nothing works. We had a long-distance dating relationship, but also felt such a connection that we knew that God had brought us together. My mom passed away the next day upon returning from our honeymoon, (her death was expected after many years of fighting cancer).
Two weeks after her funeral, and selling everything and settling her estate, my husband makes a statement that has over-shadowed our marriage for the past 25 years and I have never gotten over it. I want to know how other women would feel upon hearing this and what the men could give insight wise as to why he would say this. I was lying in his arms and said to him that “I was so grateful that God brought him to me and that I didn’t know what I would do without him and couldn’t live without him and don’t you feel the same way?” and his reply to me was “Yeah, I would go on, I could live without you, in fact you weren’t really my ideal and I feel like I settled for you”. He treated me like gold before we were married and always made me feel good about myself, but after getting married, he said such a thing!
He became a Christian while we were dating and I’ve come to realize after many talks about this event, he feels that “maybe” he said this because he thought I was going to fulfill him like only a relationship with Jesus can. My women friends who’ve spent enough time around him have all come to me and noticed how he treats me and have said, how do you put up with how he treats and speaks to you? I am numb. I no longer have any feelings for him; he seems to not care.
But my biggest question, is what did his comment truly mean? When all that I said was how much I love him and couldn’t live without him. And unprovoked tells me I wasn’t his ideal!! I was a beautiful girl back then and feel like he has stolen the best years of my life. How do I get over this and how do I ever make sense of his comment? From a man’s opinion, why did he say this?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I knew my husband for almost 10 years before we decided to get married. It was great in the beginning but now all he does is spend time social networking -constantly on his cell. We have major arguments about it -but he doesn’t stop!!! It’s as if he is addicted to it… Any advice?
(AUSTRALIA) Tony, I have been reading this thread and can’t help but notice that you seem to think you know best! I notice you are an engineer – funny coincidence because I am a financial planner and financial planners (both male and female) often comment and joke about about how engineers are the worst clients because they come asking for help and leave telling you they know better. You seem to take a view of explaining how the women on this thread can better understand their men without giving the slightest consideration to the fact perhaps the men could also do with working on understanding their women. Tony, relationships are a two-way street and not purely about a woman learning to accommodate a man.
(USA) Emmez, You make the logical fallacy of assuming that just because I’m trying to help wives understand their husbands that I don’t think there are things husbands can do to on their side of the street.
Since the topic is about women understanding what may appear to them as their husband being emotionally distant, it only stands to reason that I would focus my efforts on the topic at hand.
You cannot assume that I don’t have tips for husbands based on my comments here. I’ve consistently said it’s a two-way street. In this thread, I’m speaking to any woman who is willing to read about ways to understand her husband. I’m also suggesting ways she may be inadvertently misunderstanding her husband and missing signs that he really is emotionally there, but because those ways don’t line up with her preconceived notions and natural biases, she may be missing out on a rich and hopefully interesting part of her husband.
I offer as proof of the intended audience the beginning of the article, “Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening?”
It’s pretty clear this article is aimed at women. Therefore, suggesting things men should do is unlikely to assist the target audience. It may resonate as we all like to hear what someone else should be doing, rather than what we should do. But I doubt it will help the women that are targeted by this topic.
(USA) Amen Emmez. There are a lot of hurting stories here. This particular article deals with women who love their men, and the men who do not covey that love back to their women. Does my husband’s working for his family and staying sexually faithful to me mean he loves me? It can. It can also just mean he loves the Lord and it’s doing what society expects from him. Does the fact that he never had sex, never caresses, never comes to me with a kids on his lips mean he doesn’t love me? Maybe not.
I tell myself he is just really extremely busy… um… killing aliens or watching tv every night. But this isn’t just about that. Everything about throwing me under the bus, never defending me in public, making rules for our kids and then disagreeing with me in front of the kids when I tried to reinforce even the smallest of them. I never know the rules around him! They change every day.
I never expect it and why am I always so shocked when one again I’ve done something else wrong with the kids? I used to call it him being passive aggressive. Oh the dishonesty. Yes. How could be who thought himself so moral tell me one thing and do another. Or the partial dishonesty. I used to think the words I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT, meant he was going to handle it. I now know it means STOP TALKING THE CASE IS CLOSED …and that he wasn’t going to do anything about it. This article is for women. it is for women who have always wondered why they were treated in a way so differently from their parents happy marriage, and who felt like they were the only one like this in the world.
(USA) Ephesians also states women need to respect their husbands… do not quote one side only please. Why are men not responding to these articles more? All through out any of these articles it’s 90+% women. Why? Can you ask yourself that and come up with an answer? I am sure many women are hard at work and work hard, but I’m guessing your husbands are working and do not have time for these articles or have other interests… that is where the difference lies. Respect that and respect them for who they are not for what they do.
Learn this and you will see a change. Nagging is not respectful. Men and women or like oil and viniger. Men do not care if other men even like them at work or anywhere else, but they do care if they are respected. I could care less if my employees hate me, but they are employed by me and I set the rules and they are to be followed… if they hate the rules, but follow them, that is respect. When they don’t like them and break them, that is disrespect… Are my ways not theirs and vice versa, but they are my way.
Men see and do things different. They feel different things and think differently. When you realize this and respect it, you will see love toward you like you never knew. You can say “he has to earn my respect,” but you in turn would hate him saying “she has to earn my love”. The world says respect has to be earned, but God says to respect your husbands, he doesnt’ suggest it.
(USA) Jeff -Maybe it is because men are not as willing to read things to figure out what is wrong. My “husband” works hard and I tell him I appreciate him for doing so. He is in the military and I thank him for what he does. On the other hand, I am in law school and a full time student with two children trying to fulfill a dream that I have and a goal I set for myself. My parents are paying for me to attend so there is no financial burden on our marriage. My “husband” is extremely lazy and will tell you the same. I expressed to him that once I finished my schooling and was gainfully employed with a sufficient income he could not work if he chooses to not do so and stay at home all day. Trust me when I say, he would have no problem with that – it is not that he wants to be the breadwinner.
Why, however, is it that when it comes to emotions and needs my husband will show more affection to our dogs than he does to me? He will let our two St Bernards jump up and lay in his lap (they weigh more than I do) but when it comes to me trying to lay on the couch and watch a movie with him he tells me to get off of him because he can’t breathe. Better yet, he will call the dogs over to the couch by acting like he is hitting me (they’re protective) just so there is something in between us.
(USA) This is my husband and I and I want to separate from him. I tried to talk to him and willing do whatever he wants me to do to make things better for both of us. He simply says drop it and does not want to talk. We are friends but not husband and wife. I hate my relationship with him right now. I want to leave. I am finished fighting… I am lost, hurt, and don’t know where to go, what to do, or how to do it. We have two kids 13 and 15. We both love them dearly. I know I can make it on my own, thats not the problem. The problem is he seems to love me, but we are so far apart he doesn’t even see or care about my pain. He is blind to it. We are 17 years apart and I am sure that is the issue; but is the next 20 years going to be like this? I don’t want it. I have needs and… dropping off to cry now.
(USA) We are in our seventies and my husband has many medical issues. He cannot do the simplest tasks but he is very alert. He is legally blind and can only take a few steps with a walker. He sits and waits to be served; has specific demands about his food and in general treats me as hired help. I have gotten up from being sick to serve him and he shows no concern no matter how sick I may be. He merely gets up from the table and goes to bed. I’ve asked him if he ever feels bad about all the things I have to do for him and he doesn’t answer; is he just mean or does he have a mental condition? He wasn’t always this way.
(USA) It makes you wonder what the point of being married really is. I always thought the goal was to really get along, build and learn about and from each other. Thank you for putting my agony in clear words that explains the process 100%. It still makes no sense to me why men and my husband behaves this way, or chooses to stay if they do not feel that they can be open, honest and even vulnerable to the person they are sharing their life with. But at least now I get that this is indeed a power play. Thank God I am not losing my mind. My suspicions of deliberate evasive behavior from a highly intelligent man is indeed true. What a confused way to connect. Men truly are from Venus and women are from Mars. God Bless all the women and men that are caught up in this dance.
Tony will scold me again, but I need to tell women everywhere that when husbands are not loving and affectionate to their wives as they are supposed to be, they are sinning against God. Just pray for your own mental stability, get a hobby, or friends and stay out of his way. Do not beg up behind him. The more you kiss up to him, the worst and the more cold they become. Ask any experienced wise woman.
(USA) My husband makes me feel worthless. He is more kind to everything and everybody than he is to me so everybody thinks he is such a nice guy. He has given away my personal belongings without discussing it with me, even a Christmas gift that he thought I didn’t act appreciative enough for. He is not the man I married but we have 2 children and I can’t bear the thought of breaking up my family! Please pray for me!