Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) Ivy- I am so sorry to read about what has been happening in your marriage for a very long time. All of us have issues with our emotionally impaired husbands to one degree or another. The bottom line is: This is not about YOU, but rather about HIM. Don’t make your husband’s issues your issues and certainly don’t translate any of his insensitivities into your relationship with the Lord. Our Lord feels your pain and your loneliness…and He will fill your life up with new joys and other special people to take the place of your emotionally distant husband. Jesus felt betrayed as well, so you know that He understands your situation. Do not let your husband’s shallowness negatively affect how you feel about the Lord…that is Satan whispering in your ear. When you get those thoughts and feelings, immediately say, "Get thee behind me Satan!" Say this with authority to yourself. Believe me, it works!!! The feelings go right away. I have done this for years. You will discover a peace in your soul when you realize the power you possess with Jesus in your heart. Be a warrior and fight with the full armour of God!! I will pray for you.
(USA) My wife and I have been married for over six years and have been having marital troubles for the entire duration of that marriage. My wife uses much of the information included in the article above, thinking that it is a blanket statement for all men who fit the descriptions contained therein even to the slightest degree. Although I must agree that the above advice can be useful for some couples, however, in my case it has made our marriage much worse. The advice above has given my wife license to berate me for all of the ills that have befallen her, as well as future ills. The advice above did not allow for my wife to take into consideration that marriage consists of both husband and wife to make concessions for one another. Both must grow as a couple and individuals.
Wives, if you are looking at the article above for advice, I implore you to take into account multiple sources and not just one that will justify the way you may be feeling. Listen to your husband and he will listen to you. Otherwise, he will be withdrawn and unhappy.
Thanks Todd for sharing this perspective. It’s difficult to know how to respond to what you wrote because I’m not there to witness what goes on with each of you during your points of conflict. There are always three perspectives present in every situation– yours, hers, and unbiased reality without any personal filters attached.
But I pray the Lord gives you and your wife a healthy measure of discernment in the future, so you are able to look behind and beyond each other’s words and actions (or lack of words and actions). There is a reason each of you is reacting in certain ways to each other.
We can’t emphasize it enough, that NONE of the information contained in the articles on this web site, should ever be used as ammunition to “berate” or use as a weapon against anyone. Everything is provided to help open up avenues of understanding and discernment (not close them down) when it comes to dealing with our spouse.
Sometimes when a person is extremely frustrated by the behavior of his or her spouse, some spouses are inclined to hit them with words (and others withdraw). Things said in articles and/or scriptures (along with anything else that comes to mind) are often tragically thrown out as verbal grenades. Sometimes this is a reactionary response to strike out at the person who SEEMS to be the cause of intense emotional pain. And other times the words are fired off with hopes that this might somehow “wake up” his or her spouse and bring about a positive change of behavior. But usually this only complicates matters all the more, and causes even more damage to the relationship. Many times it brings about an opposite effect where the other spouse either fights back or withdraws even more for various reasons.
I understand the temptation to fall into this type of behavior. I’ve been tempted in this way many, many times myself. But I’m reminded of something a pastor said in a message one time. He said, “You see his or her anger for its face value. You need to look behind the words and behavior to see the hurt.”
This has personally helped me many times to react differently and give grace to my husband’s words and actions. It’s amazing the insight the Lord can give us when we look beyond the surface of what is before us!
I pray the Lord gives you and your wife the discerning wisdom to “look behind the words and behavior” each of you displays. I pray He also gives you the godly insight to discover ways to build bridges to better work together in your marital relationship, and the courage to do what it takes to give each other agape grace “as unto the Lord.”
(USA) I can’t even talk to my husband about any issues that are not okay, without him blowing up and attacking me verbally by degrading my worth and value. Every time I try to sit down and discuss a means of resolving issues he flips out and screams. I will quietly and calmly try to engage in conversations to try and solve problems and bam … he’s screaming.
I am a nervous wreck and exhausted because I do not agree with everything that is going on with our children and their inability to behave and our inability to discipline them. They disrespect us and he allows it and encourages our sons to disrespect me by telling them that they shouldn’t look at me as a role model or any kind of good person because he believes that I am not. I believe this deep anger is related to his divorce from his first wife where he has expressed intense hatred towards her.
When I was pregnant, I lost our baby, and the day after he became angry over something and threw me against the wall. He left me on the floor to my own demise and said he didn’t care if I lived or died. I went to the ER for care and since then he hasn’t touched me. But he has become verbally and emotionally abusive on a monthly basis and he encourages his children to behave like himself because he believes he does nothing wrong.
What can I do and what should I do mentally, to preserve my own dignity and self worth? I have no authority in our home and I am treated like a child. I am disciplined as if I am a young teenager and not a 40 year old women. I do not want a divorce I just want this to stop.
(USA) I am so sorry. I can’t imagine…growing a baby. You poor lady. ((hug)) I think that being treated as a child must be part of this… logical vs emotional thing that they have. I am treated as a child as well, especially frustrating when trying to direct my chosen… and he puts me on the same level as them. My drivers license expired, and it has been three years now I have been unable to drive
I want to take some college courses or even get a job now that most of our five kids are almost out of the home, but there is always an excuse why my desires are on the back burner… and why we can’t afford a second car. Now that my teen daughters are getting cars and driving… it’s getting very old. I think I need to do what the article recommends and just move on with my life with our without him. I don’t mean divorce.
(US) I couldn’t even finish reading all of this. So much hits home. Ivy, I’m in on this with you.
I’m tired of feeling like a piece of meat. My motto has become, if you really want to feel unappreciated, become a wife and mother. I get more out of helping women, more thanks and hugs at work than I do at home. Not to say my children aren’t great, they are…
I’m just stuck in a groundhog day type scenario and I am done with it. The kids don’t mind (or help) My husband never shows me any physical attention -not even holding hands, a hug, a small kiss, but then thinks I’m a robot when it comes to private time. I had a full hysterectomy 4 years ago and I have told him how much discomfort I have during that time. He says he is going to leave if I don’t give it to him more. Is this a venting site?? Ugh, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do!
I love my hubby dearly and can look past most things, but he wants to fight about this in front of my children?! and these fights spark over “I don’t like the way you are driving”, or “please rub my back” (which happens for about a minute and is never pleasant, followed by a fight over the same thing). I swear I could ice a cake wrong and it will send him into “I’m gonna leave you if you wont have sex with me.” (cries)
(USA) Ok… Where do I start? I came to this page as a link from my church’s website. I’ve been here before, checking out different sections (issues) and found some great insights. I must admit I am Lost.
My Husband is emotionally unattached and admits it, but every promise to work on it is never kept. If there is any improvement, he resents me for it very openly. He is also a Christian (on some Sundays) but he won’t read with me anymore and getting him to pray with me, is a fight every night (when we sleep together).
Our last fight was major, and I was three days away from moving out. My husband professed his want for change and declared that he needed to get back in touched with GOD. It was a huge awakening. But it only lasted a few DAYS!!! It’s only been a few weeks since this happened and we are already back into the same routine that made me want to leave in the first place. I try to talk with him about it and it’s impossible. I am wrong no matter what I say. He’s completely shut down communication. If I say anything then I am nagging, or I am just talking too much. If I don’t say anything then it was my fault for not speaking up.
We used to meet with our Pastor once weekly because our problems were so bad (still are), and they’d get better for a minute and then go right back to being bad again. With this last big fight a few weeks ago, we met with our Pastor out of desperation and it did more bad than good. Even the Pastor has given up on him! He just doesn’t want to change and I am starting to question if he ever will. I know that I need to start praying for him more/again, but sometimes I just feel like … He’s not going to meet GOD half way and God won’t take away his free will.
Worst of all, he says I am the one with the problem and I should just be satisfied. How can I be satisfied? Sex… Yeah it’s at his will only and if I am not in the mood then I’m just the B-word or he’ll beg/guilt me until I relent. Even his sexual wants now are few and far between. Lay down his life? Sacrifice as Jesus did for the church? I am lucky if he’ll lay down the controller (x-box, or TV).
If it’s not one problem it’s another. I know that he’s keeping something from me. Every time I mention something that refers to him, he acts scared and wants to know what I know. It scares me because of all of the horrible things out in the open already (like pornography addiction), how bad could this secret be in order for him to keep it from me?
We have a 6-month old son who adores him and I am worried that if I do leave, my little guy will be heart broken with out his "da". I am tired of just gritting my teeth and bearing it. He treats me like crap, his family treats me like crap, and I don’t want my son to learn how to treat me like crap too. We might as well just be roommates instead of a couple. He does his own thing and refuses to spend time with me. So I started doing my own thing too. He thinks everything is great now. He lives his life and when he wants to "play house" then he can. He has no idea why I am unhappy, he says.
Please help someone? If there is anything you can think of, please tell me. I have no one left to confide in. Our Pastor is to the point where he’s done all he can. His parents (former confidants for both of us) are now completely alienated me, and treat me like I am the scum of the universe. They target my every fault and say the most hurtful things about me whether I am there or not, but never to me. They act as if I can’t hear them when I am in the same room (I’m huge… Hello just had a baby 6month ago), and my husband doesn’t defend me or claims he didn’t hear it. I can’t talk to my family about it because … well I guess the whole cleaving from your parents thing, as well as I don’t want them to make things more difficult. What do I do?
(USA) Hi Lynne, Thanks for sharing your testimony and dilemmas on this website. I will assure you that this website has a community of believers that are all solidly committed to not only helping themselves become better Christians, through their own problems, but committed to helping others (when possible) and praying for one another. So…in essence, you’ve come to the right place.
Before sharing my thoughts on what you wrote and my suggestions for what some of your options might be, I should first share my testimony so that you know where I’ve been and what God has helped me overcome and that will give you perspective on my viewpoints and where I can and can’t help you from my own experiences.
A little more than a year ago, I "came out of the closet" of spousal abuse. I endured an abusive relationship (or I should say my husband and I both) for more than a decade. I was lost most of the time and also in denial. It was hard to tell anyone our "secret" but as hard as it was it was the best thing I ever did. I finally did so because with our first child, I knew things had to change. With God’s help my husband and I both are different people and because of that, the legacy we are leaving to our son and any future children will be that of a household and marriage much freer of conflict, as well as healthy conflict resolution, than it ever was before we had children. I came to this site, at the beginning, for the abuse articles. Then, after the Holy Spirit leading me here to read those and then help me work on myself, I am now healed to the point where I can help others. So that’s about me.
Before I write anything to help you I must always add the preface that nothing I, your pastor or anyone else says, is meant to take the place of God. We are all only human. SO…..please take my personal experiences as suggestions you might consider, but everyone has their own path to walk and the Holy Spirit, which is God in us, always has to be the one who gives you your marching orders, ultimately.
I’m going to now write in order of what I thought as I read through your comments.
Number one – God hates divorce. It’s the way of the world, not of God. So, at every turn and argument, please keep those thoughts out of your head. Not only would God be disappointed but as you mention, your son would come from a broken home and that would be tragic.
Number two – the fact that you can’t change your husband and that your pastor has even "given up" is completely God’s will. I feel very strongly, from the Holy Spirit in me, that this is a message to you. It is God’s way of saying – it’s time for Lynne to draw close to me and look at herself.
The one thing I have learned from my experience as well as listening to the stories of other Christian couples is that when there is conflict, someone (and it’s usually one person more than the others; sometimes only one of the spouses at all) starts drawing very close to God and listening very intently to God’s leading. That person, in turn, starts showing a lot of fruits of the Spirit, such as peace and joy, that weren’t there before and then the other spouse starts wondering what is going on. That’s is God’s light shining through you. I went through this myself.
Having said the above I also need to say the following to build on that – you cannot, I repeat, CANNOT force your husband to change. The Bible says we can take a sin to a brother, but we can’t live in a constant state of rebuke to the other person because it then just becomes a selfish effort to get what you (not you personally but anyone) want but at the same time, it totally tears the other person down.
The change has to come from your husband. And, no, it does not sound like God is guiding him to change a whole lot right now. God is guiding you to change first. In the meantime (and this is also from my own experience), you stand up for your beliefs. That doesn’t mean rudely shoving your thoughts to your husband it just means, lovingly and calmly, standing up for what you believe in even if he doesn’t share your beliefs. If he doesn’t want to pray with you, don’t force it. The Bible tells us in Romans to live peacefully with others when possible. If asking him to pray with you is a fight then just don’t do it.
For the record, anytime a person is always blaming outward (i.e., your husband telling you everything is your fault) – that’s just immaturity. This is not for you to tell him, but it is something I know from my own experience and it is something you should be aware of to help you. The best thing you can do (and this is advice I got from another Christian and it has helped me tremendously) is to let their baggage be their own. Just let him be that way. You know what is and isn’t your fault and just let that be enough for now.
I assume you’ve told your husband all your concerns. If he is not led to care enough to change, then that’s God’s problem. You’ve done your part and now it’s time for you to really sink in and get close to God. God can’t use us for higher glory (any of us) until he draws us closer to him and the only way I’ve ever heard of that happening is through adversity.
As a personal note, I HATE when husbands call their wives the b-word. That’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine but that’s my flesh speaking. Don’t let Satan use that against you. Tell your husband, unemotionally and respectfully, you don’t appreciate that and leave it at that. That’s what it means to stand up for your own beliefs even if he doesn’t share those beliefs.
Those are all my thoughts on what you wrote and I hope they make sense. I really suggest you go to the "Power of a Praying wife" article and read through the thread of comments there. There are comments from MANY different wives with a wide array of adversities and I think you will not only find comfort that you are not alone, but will be inspired at how all of us who write comments there encourage one another and find triumph over Satan, which people also write there as well. Here is the link to that page: https://marriagemissions.com/the-power-of-a-praying-wife/
A personal side note, I don’t know if it was where I was in my walk at the time or not, but I read through most of that book (Power of a Praying Wife) and actually did not find it very helpful, but the page above has a lot of comments by others who seem to find the book helpful. I find the comments more helpful than the book itself, but that’s just my personal opinion.
I will keep you in my prayers. In Christian Love.
(USA) LT, You are awesome. You must truly be touched by the HIS Spirit because that is exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve read all the comments here prior to writing one myself. I almost feel as if I do know you already, and I was kind of hoping that you’d respond. You’re completely right. I do need to take this time to get closer to HIM. HE is the reason the we have our marriage and love it’s self is HIM so to understand, getting closer to the source seems way more than logic. THANK YOU!
You’re also right when you say that divorce is not the answer. I am very committed as to not letting that happen, but I can’t say that I am not committed to keeping separation out of the question. (Wish I Was) But every time I suggest a temporary separation my husband flips out and stops paying bills and working less so that I have to catch up on the bills with all of the income I make. He tries to financially "set me up" so that I can afford to leave. It makes me insane.
LT, I also kind of wondered if you had any advice on dealing with his family? We have an event coming up soon where my presence is expected and I really don’t want to go but kind of have to. It takes everything I am not to snap on them or say hurtful things back to them, (because I know I could be far more cruel with out even trying). And I am praying before I walk through the door that I am able to keep my mouth shut! Is there anything you’d recommend? I really don’t care if they like me or not, but I fear that I will lower myself to another standard and say evil things.
In the past I have completely shattered someone with my words before by abusing a gift God gave me intended to help others. I am able to see through people and know why they are hurting. It kind of freaks some people out because I may not know them very well if at all, but usually I am of comfort to others in need. I am so worried that if I let my anger get the best of me, the first thing that is going to fly out of my mouth is going to be the one thing that can really cut that person. What do I do to prevent myself from really doing damage?
I also wondered if you have any advice about how to handle his secret? Again last night (while he was trying to comfort me over the impending death of a loved one) I could just sense that he was distant and something is really weighing on him. He wants to tell me but can’t, and I fear that I may already know what he is going to say. I am uneasy with the thought but the fact that he cared enough to want to comfort me felt nice, because I didn’t think that he cared at all.
Thank you so much for everything you said again. I am really taking it to heart and I am going to check out the link you suggested. I really do appreciate all you’ve said and done for me with out even knowing me. It reminds me that not every one has an agenda. I know that you are right. GOD is trying to tell me to draw closer to HIM and to look at myself. Thank you kindly with LOVE. Love, Lynne
(US) Lynne- I totally agree with LT. There are some questions though that you need to address with your husband and be forthright…if I understand you correctly, your husband appears to have a "pornography addiction". Is this correct? If that is so, you need to stand firm and INSIST that you WILL NOT allow this type of behavior and sin in your home. Your home is YOURS and the LORD’s also and your husband has no right to bring this filth into God’s house. Secondly, if his "secret" is something like infidelity, this must be addressed immediately and repented of. If your husband fails to be repentant and continues to fall into this sin of the flesh, the marriage bond is broken and you are free to leave without guilt. I am not saying that this IS the case, but you need to find out if this is so. Your husband will need counseling and prayer to free himself of his flesh.
As far as his family is concerned…there is GREAT power in kindness. Believe it or not, the kinder you are to them and the nicer you are, despite their cruel nature and comments, the better things will be. Your kindness will deflate their ability to attack you and find fault with you. Even if you have to "fake" your kindness and grit your teeth…do it. They will have no choice but to respond positively to you or not at all. Try it…it works!
Lastly, LT is correct in telling you that your husband’s problems are HIS and the Lord’s. Let God handle him. More than likely, God is going to have to put your husband in a place of submission to Him and oftentimes He has to do this through adversity. Stand by your husband and pray for him. Even if it is from afar, should you have to leave temporarily if your husband is being unfaithful to you or will not stop with the pornography. For now, focus on your baby. He needs you more than ever. You might be a little more sensitive since you are post partum and your hormones might be off balance. This happens to the best of us! Knowing that, be sure to take care of yourself and focus on keeping yourself healthy through a healthy diet and exercise program.
After we have babies, our bodies are out of shape and we feel vulnerable because we may not look as great as we want. Focus on getting yourself healthy and in shape. This will help you feel better about yourself and you will have more energy and a more positive self-esteem. Keep your mind occupied on the good things in your life like your baby…focus on the good and let God deal with your husband. Surrender him to the Lord now as He is the only one that can change your husband. You CANNOT do this, nor can your pastor. Pray, pray, and pray. Remember that God loves him more than you ever could.
We will hold you up in prayer. Stay strong in Jesus and get as close as you can to HIM by spending time with Him. God bless you.
(USA) Laurie, You are so right! Thankfully I did find out the secret and it’s not infidelity with another woman. He had however, fallen victim to the temptations of porn again. I think I actually handled it quite well. I didn’t freak out and I have been praying for him and so far it’s worked more than what I believed it would. I did get rid of the material and blocked all access to the computer. He responded better to my calm reaction with remorse and understanding. He actually did do a devotion with me the other night and it really surprised me.
I recently lost my Grandmother and I must say that through this difficult time my husband has shined. He’s been there for me and we are growing closer again. However, I do need to some prayers that I may grow closer to HIM as well. Please Pray for my commitment that I may follow through with my own hunger for HIM? Things are starting to get better and I am positive it’s because I have been praying and because all of you have been praying too. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Unfortunately things with the in-laws aren’t any better. We stopped by to visit them tonight because my brother in law had forgotten his keys at a friends house that lives nearer us. So we brought them out to him. Needless to say things aren’t any better. I am really treated like way more than an outsider. I am treated like crap. His mother acts as if I am trash and my son isn’t as good as her other grandchild. It’s because he came from me. I don’t doubt that she loves him, but I serious doubt that he’ll ever truly be given a chance by them.
She has literally purchased almost everything for her other grand child. While I am not ungrateful for what we’ve been given, I am upset how she rubs her purchases for her other grand child in my face. I am not just jealous and just noticing that she’s more giving towards the other grand child. She intentionally brings up every purchase and rubs it in my face while grinning and comparing it to my son’s things. I am still trying to kill with kindness but I am getting completely fed up with how I am treated and how it’s carrying over to my son.
I am pretty sure that I am done going with my husband to his families’ house. I have been more than kind to them and the slaps in the face are not going to stop because apparently they feel so badly about themselves that tearing me down gives them pleasure. I used to be ok with that and just have sympathy for them, but now that this is overflowing on to my son… I am not going to allow this to continue. I’ve taken the high road this whole time and I’ve really lost my ability to continue at least for now. I don’t want to let my self get to such and evil place that I compromise who I am by tearing them down and seeking revenge.
What should I do? I will continue (re-start) Praying for them but I need some advise as to how to handle myself. Please pray for patience, and protection from the devil taking my words as his arson? Love, Lynn
Lynn you are aware of the smaller electronic devices men have used to get around the computer issues at home. These phones and tablets with wifi allow a man to sit in a Home Depot parking lot for free wifi… where porn will be accessible. It might explain his nonchalance. Porn addiction is a relationship killer because they replace the emotions of a relationship with images of unkown women… does not matter what a woman’s appearance is… the porn addicted husband is not simply interested in porn.
I am sure my own marital issues are based in this tragedy. God gave me a brain too. Figure it out. Unfortunately I was not blessed with the financial resources to land on my own feet. I live in a marriage where I do not love or trust my husband. He simply is not worth my forgiveness.
Your in laws sound like sociopaths. You should just shock your mom in law one day and ask in front of everyone if she gets pleasure out of giving one grandchild a gift while laughing at another’s rejection by her. Or the other thing to do is to talk about lavish purchases you made. How would she know anyway? Let me tell you… I have lived longer than you and regret not using my words when confronted with a hateful in law. You will live to regret for allowing that woman to ridicule you or your child. Life will become bitter for you if you don’t nip it. It has for me as I have only figured out in the last year that I wasted 41 yrs with my husband.
(USA) I am a man in a relationship who fits the description to a "T". Where does a man who knows he needs and wants the help go? I am so frustrated with myself, I know I have failed my mate, she is angry, and I’m afraid God is displeased, as well.
(USA) Stephen, Go to GOD! and pray about it. You may not be able to fix things but HE can. Telling your wife how you feel, sharing this article with her, asking her what you can do would be a great start. Express to her your want to make her know she’s loved. The most important thing to do is to PRAY, and cherish her. Remind her how much you love her.
My husband and I are working on things in the same way right now. It doesn’t change overnight, but if you cherish her, she’ll start respecting you. There are some great romantic ideas on this website check those out for starters. The biggest change you’ll need to make is opening up your feelings to her. Start with telling her how much you LOVE her. Reading a daily devotion with her is an awesome idea too. The couple that prays together stays together!
Finally, seek out some help, Ask your Pastor for advice on how to give yourself to your wife. I am sure he’ll have some great advice to give.
Good luck Stephen, and you’re awesome for recognizing that you’ve been hurting and even more awesome for doing something about it. Your wife is a blessed woman. And after you show her how hard you are trying, she’ll realize that. I know that I realize now how great my husband is, and I respect him and appreciate him way more now than ever before. I KNOW he loves me, and she needs you to give her that affirmation too. PRAY and talk with your pastor. Love, LYNNE
(ZIMBABWE) Hie everyone. This is my first time on this section though I have been reading a lot of sections on marriage Missions. I have gathered a lot of encouragement from all of you who have written. I think we need to pray ladies, for this world is not easy to live in without God. Better still we need to pray for our marriages and husbands for Ephesians 6vs 10-18 clearly expresses that we are fighting against principalities of darkness and evil spirits. For us to remain in our marriages after all the issues we are talking of, we need the Lord and pray until something happens.
These problems should not deter us, for us thinking of divorce is not good. We need to refocus on the Lord and pray and ask him to change us first, to be able to see the things that we as wives are contributing, for the husband to be emotionally distant. Please get me right, I’m not saying we are the contributory factors, but what I’m saying is to let the Lord guide first to change you first, and work on our husbands. I know that normally when you pray about it sometimes things get even most stressful but don’t lose hope. Remember when you are praying the devil is also listening and will try by all means to disturb us. When we pray lets ask the Lord to help us hear his word when He’s speaking to us. Whatever might happen please do not lose hope, the Lord is our refuge, our shining armor and is there to carry our problems for us. Whenever faced with a problem take it to the Lord; he will provide.
I have just realised that the Lord does not like to see us suffering. My husband is emotionally distant. He does not tell you what he is thinking or better still plan with you anything at all. In most of the cases I find out about what he is doing in his life after going through his papers. At one time I said to myself, I have had enough and I confronted him and we exchanged such harsh words as he kept blaming for his passiveness.
I was so hurt that I phoned my father in law and told him what I felt and that I felt as if I was not his wife if he keeps hiding things from. But you know what? That never helped till one day when I came to this website and read through the section of the power of a praying wife. It’s then that I realised that I was telling the wrong people about my problems. I realised that the Lord is the best person to tackle my problems. After all he says, come all who are weary and I’ll will give you rest. I started praying about my marriage and my husband.
You know when I started praying, I noticed that sometimes I nag and I prayed that the Lord should help me. My husband has not changed 100% but I have seen some improvements. He now communicates some things and I’m grateful to the Lord for that small change in him, for at least now i see some things.
So I’m saying to all you ladies, pray the Lord will intervene. Sometimes I know that even when you are praying you might find that he withdraws again. But don’t lose hope. Take it to the Lord.
(USA) Hi everyone: my name is Rupert and I have been married for 20 years, have four children and a rocky marriage from emotional abuse to some physical action. We have attended several retreats in our Catholic church and some how it hasn’t helped us. We have grown a distance from each other but the sex drive is becoming weaker.
Lots of time I ask myself if I should just give up and move on but in I still love her. Lots of time I get a gut feeling that she’s having an affair due to the fact that she is friendly with men at work and treats me like garbage. Maybe I deserve it? I will try as much as I can, I’m just afraid that I will one day do something that she doesn’t deserve…and I hope the Lord hears me.
Ladies, always remember, never compare your men to others. Don’t humiliate them and pay lots of attention to them. Never, never treat other men better then your better half. He should be the best treated one. Never tell your husband that you need space. Stop calling me. I feel that you are tracking me. I have a different needs then you. ….Well I know what I have done and I take full responsibility over my actions, but I am starting to feel insecure. Please pray for me.
(US) It is nice to hear a guy say something too, and I understand your feelings. My husband acts similar to your wife. Double standard. The don’t call me thing gets old. If I did not pick up when he called me, he would talk about taking my phone, go on and on about how I ignore him, or am up too something.
Now that I have been home a little while, I keep the house clean, cook and take care of my girls. We all make him feel like he is important, he needs it. He is used to it. I am not, so even if I buy my girls something, I let him take the credit. But, he needs to understand that he cannot expect something of me that he doesn’t want to give. Answer my call, let me know if your plans change, if you go away for 12 days to another country. As his wife, I feel it is not to much to ask him to tell me what activities he did, what kind of food, who all went? Why? The truth is easy, he expects nothing less from me, but his ego makes him feel a man should not be questioned. If she loves you, she will take the time to call you, if she is annoyed by you in some way, after you both discuss things, she can bring out your good points, and the bad..well forgive and move on.
I cannot ever wish the silent treatment, or the space card on anyone, I find when you love someone, you are willing to try, even if the person feels they are not wrong, to try would show commitment.
(USA) Hi sir how are you? I hope you are doing well, I have a problem similar to you my husband is a workaholic and he loves others more than me. When it comes to me, I don’t even exist. It’s like I am invisible. Everyone’s feelings matter more than how I am feeling. And he lies all the time saying he loves me. How can you love someone but tell them the reason why you don’t spend time with them is because you are tired? But you are not too tired to spend time with others. I am so hurt and bruised :(