Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) It’s uncanny how this article has described my and my husband’s relationship right now. It is oh so true, that it takes two to break up a relationship– at least in my case. I looked in the mirror and saw someone who was overbearing, oversensitive, pushy, controlling — a woman who loved under certain conditions. While I cannot be held responsible for his doings in this relationship, I can certainly claim my responsibility and hope and pray that it is not too late. I love him, but I just didn’t know how to show it.
(UNITED STATES) My wife is this husband. She is emotionally distant and afraid of being vulnerable and intimacy. Not sure how many more years I can invest in her to be honest.
(USA) I’m amazed at how your stories are so similar to mine. I’ve been married for almost 20 years and I’m spiritually broken. We have two young kids. Living with my husband is like being married to a piece of furniture. He’s not emotionally available and I caught him with Internet porn in the past and just found out that he’s having an emotional affair with an old girlfriend. He also has taken our son to Hooters when he was a toddler and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. Just today I found "soft" porn in the garage – kids could see it – so I threw it in the trash.
I’ve tried everything to make it work, prayer – even lead a ministry; self development – finished my degree; tried to build him up – put him through school and paid $$$ for his dental work thinking it would help his self image; gym membership, counseling, etc. Pretty much you name it, I’ve tried it. It’s hopeless. I’ve been in prayer but it’s not helping – I’d commit suicide but I don’t want to hurt my kids.
One thing that I’ve come to realize is that I’ve married my mom. As a young child, my mom would lock me in my room or let me run the neighborhood so she wouldn’t have to deal with me. Then she ended up abondoning the family. Now I’ve ended up married to a man who has emotionally abandonded me. I think he’d divorce but he’s afraid of being the first in his family to divorce and his Catholic background of guilt.
I know I can’t change anyone but myself and I’m trying. My main concern now is my kids – I don’t want to see them grow up and marry someone like my husband. I know they’re hurting because of our recent fighting – I’m confronting him now and my oldest overheard about the affair and it’s upsetting to her.
I don’t think that I love him anymore. I don’t trust him and I don’t respect him. I feel that I’ve done everything I can to make the marriage work, so I guess the only option is divorce. I keep praying for direction but nothing has come to light. I just wish the pain would stop and I could figure out the best way to go forward and not hurt my kids.
(USA) Hi Suz, I’m very sorry to hear what you are currently going through. As I read through your post, some thoughts came to mind. Keep in mind, I don’t know exactly what you are going through because I’m not in the exact same boat but I do see some similarities in experiences I’ve had in the past so I will share what I feel I’ve learned from the parallels in our two different walks.
One thing I will say is that since children are a gift from above (from God to us), God holds us accountable and expects us to take care of whatever He blesses us with, be it a house, a spouse, a child, etc. So, of course you feel an onus to care for your children in the best way. Obviously, if your kids are seeing porn (soft porn or not), it is your responsibility to protect them from that. I Cor. 13 says that love protects. Another verse that comes to mind is: 2 Timothy 2:22 Flee also youthful lusts; but follow righteousness, faith, charity, and peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
By not allowing your children to view porn secondhand, you are following the mandate above to follow righteousness. You cannot make your husband change or do what the verse above says, but you can do that for yourself and your children.
God says wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, which means (among other things), that if the husband is doing something that is not in accordance with scripture, then the wife is to follow what God would have them to do and what God does tell them to do (via scripture), not the husband. You can’t change your husband (if he doesn’t want to change or have you help him change or see anything wrong with his choices), but you can pursue righteousness as it is up to you. I see nothing wrong with you removing porn from your children’s eyes or where they might find it.
As far as discussions with your husband, my own experiences have taught me (and there are MANY articles both Christian and secular to support this) is that do so only when both are calm and tensions are not running high, otherwise the discussion will go nowhere. Also – my personal course of action that I choose in my own home is to have any discussion that might get even the least bit heated in another room away from the kids. If possible, try to do it when the kids aren’t there at all (if that’s ever possible). Especially on a subject like what you’ve got going on in your marriage.
Lastly – I want to recommend a wonderful book I just read recently that I believe can help you in a lot of your current dilemmas. It’s called "Love Must be Tough," by Dr. James Dobson (head of Focus on the Family). It’s got a lot of info on exactly what you are dealing with both in your spousal relationship as well as your role as a parent.
This book is not the single answer, just as no book (save the Bible) is but it’s a "piece of the puzzle." I’m a supporter of getting lots of info (from Christian resources) to give you as broad a perspective as possible. Then, from there, let God guide you to what pieces are for you from any resource you choose. Keep your relationship with God strong because, ultimately, that is your guiding force through this trial and all trials.
As far as respecting and loving your husband – we are to show respect because in doing so it shows respect to God. It’s His rule, not mine. But this might help you – you can love/respect the sinner, but not the sin. You are not blind to the sin and God in you/with you shows you the sin. Love the sinner, not the sin. That’s what God does for us. Hope this helps. Know that God loves you and so do your children! LT
(USA) I was married 6 months ago, and my husband has already moved out. We were having issues with blending out families. You see, we both already had children. He said that he still loves me, but wants God’s will about returning home. I am so confused… to me God’s will would be for our marriage to be restored.
(USA) Very simply put. I am so grateful to have found this place. I look forward to growing with everyone.
(ZIMBABWE) Hi. I read thru all the articles and can relate with most of the women. I too have been married to a distant/cold man for 4 years. He has a great heart, loves the Lord, and I am sure loves me too (of which I am rarely told unless I ask, which is pitiful). I sometimes feel such despair because I need my husband to show & express his love so badly, which seems so hard for him. Do pray for me as well. I love the Lord and believe in faith all my prayers will be answered.
(USA) I can’t breathe. I feel like my whole world has come crushing down on me. My husband and I have been married for 9 years but have been together for 13. We have two children 5 and 8. Things between us haven’t always been great, but we have had our moments. Since our marriage we have been separated about 3 times and every single time I took him back.
Since August of this year (2008) I decided to make things right and be the kind of person he wanted me to be towards him. It was great but at times he would get really irritated, and get mad with me and the kids almost to the point that I could see the anger coming our his ears.
Every Tuesday and Wednesday which are his days off – he really gets upset with all of us and yells at the kids for no reason at all. I recall one time he told me in front of our 8 year old that he never wanted to be a father. Another time he told me that he was willing to give up his parental rights (again in front of our 8 yr old). Another time he got so mad, he jumped on me and said he was going to choke me (again in front of our 8 yr old). And now he does not remember any of that.
Lately, I have noticed him more distant – it is to the point that he watches more T.V. and has gotten even more lazy – because he does not help me with the housework. I have to do it when I get home. I work very hard. My day starts at about 5:30 a.m. and I don’t get home until 6:00 p.m. He on the other hand works only 5 hours a day – he is home by 10:00 or 10:30 in the morning.
Could it be another woman? I mean he didn’t even remember our anniversary – which was last week. I must continue to say that since our marriage began he has always accused me of being unfaithful when in reality I have not. I recently found out that when we were separated back in 2005 he cheated on me. I have a paper written in detail what he did. I was shocked!!! Because in my eyes, I never thought that he could do something like that. He tried to hold me. I couldn’t let him. The next day he texted me saying he was sorry to forgive him. I don’t know how.
Then I find a pair of underwear – which were not mine. He told me that he would tell me about those 3 to 4 months later. I said why? Because they will complicate things. I told him, tell me now because I don’t want a new wound opened. And he said they were my sisters. He took them one day he had gone to visit. I was even more shocked. I said why, he said I don’t know why, I just did. It was easy so I did it.
What gets to me the most is that he acts like there is nothing wrong. He calls me at work when he gets out – "Hey Baby – how you doing?" I can’t take this anymore I want to know what is going on. Believe me there is so much to tell but I probably will fill page after page after page. Can someone out there please advise me?
(US) I am a newlywed. I love my husband. He is a kind, gentle, respectful man. A little over a year ago I got out of a terribly abusive relationship. He was a narcissist in every degree. So my simple, quiet, mysterious boyfriend, at the time, soothed my life. For once I felt like life was genuine.
I am a very open, honest, sensitive/emotional woman who tends to worry more than I probably need to. My husband is so quiet, sometimes I will say something just to make conversation to get to know him better, to just connect… and he’ll shut me down with a simple but abrupt " okay" and that’s it. It makes me feel as though he doesn’t want to get to know me or to connect with me on a personal friend level. He is extremely distant at times. It isn’t until I’ve had it and we are in a confrontation that I see some speck of emotion.
Don’t get me wrong, he tells me he loves me more than often… but he gives me nothing else. Sometimes I feel as though he’s just going through the motions of life, that he truly doesn’t feel that passionate, deep, caring love for me.
It’s just the beginning and I already feel worlds apart. I don’t want to be with an emotionless Zombie for the rest of my life, but I’m out of ideas of how to break him out of being so emotionally distant. In his eyes, putting a ring on my finger was enough… I wish it were. Because this emotional emptiness is leaving me spiraling down the slope of depression.
I’m 21 and a model… I fear if this goes on for much longer I am going to fill this hole with something else and completely shut him off in the same way. All I want is real raw feelings. I want anger and happiness and sadness… I want everything good and bad. I’m terrified of the dark future I’m feeling so soon. I’m a big people person, and can usually read people within the first few minutes of talking with them.. How is it that when it comes to my husband, the man I should know the best… All I see is an empty shell?
(US) I just read the comment above mine. Have you ever considered that he may have a mental illness? I grew up with a bi-polar/boarderline schizophrenic father. He was fine until about age 30, when I was about the age of your children. He would say and do things that were just outrageous and than laugh them off later like it fixed everything.
The worst part about mental illnesses is the people who have them think everyone else is wrong. They don’t see that they have a problem, they usually blame everyone else. If he had chocked you or even threatened you, I would suggest you leave him with a restraining order, or give him a choice.. you and the kids leave… or he gets a serious psychological screening.
It sounds to me like he’s made his mind up about you and your children. I doubt that will change. I really do feel for you, he sounds like my father (who is now heavily medicated– but for once I am proud and happy to invite him into my life) and my ex boyfriend. Just please beware, it seems he’s made his choice that he’s in it for himself and only himself. In my opinion, and with my experience.. that means only downhill things for you unless drastic, courageous measures are taken. Good Luck. I hope I helped a little.
P.S. Did you ever bring the panties to your sister to verify that they were hers? I suggest that you bring that out in the open. Personally I wouldn’t believe a word out of his mouth.=-/
I’m truly sorry about your situation. I wish I had hopeful words for your relationship…
Again… good luck.
(USA) Kelsey, I was just reading your comment. I feel like I was reading my own. I am twenty years old, I also came out of an abusive relationship and while I was in it… I met my husband. He was an awesome loving Christian man that rescued me from the Hell I was living in. We have been married for three years, and the last year or so has been… frustrating. We don’t really have anything to fight about, but we don’t talk either. It’s like talking to a house plant. I don’t have any advice for you, b/c I can’t fix my own marriage. However I am online if you need to vent or talk. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Laura
(USA) Well, I can certainly relate to most of these posts if not all of them. I’m on my 3rd marriage. First marriage, I was 18 (wanted to flee my abusive home life as fast as possible), had a child along with severe post-postpartum depression. My husband and I split and he kept the child (I couldn’t deal with any of it at that time). I married a second time to an emotionally distant husband. He ended up leaving thank God (though I was mortified at the time…he met someone online and left to go and be with her).
Then I married my 3rd husband after a 6 year going with him and breaking up period. I have to say, I love this man probably more than I ever did any of the other men; however, this one is a bit different. He is a recovered Alcoholic…Here’s a quick run down of my life with him.
I met him in Florida after the breakup of 2nd marriage. I had a 4 year old daughter at the time. We dated on and off but he broke up with me for about 6 weeks so he could go with another woman… then ended up wanting me back… like an idiot… I took him back. Then he left Florida to move to Georgia (job change) and left me there. His words were: "We can keep in touch via the internet"… 3 or 4 days later he’s wanting to know what I’m doing, where I’ve been…etc etc…the works right.
Then he calls me about 4 weeks later and begs and cries that he misses me and that he’s so lonely in Georgia and wants me there with him. I leave my school (I was going to be a nurse… but I like an idiot… up and left (talk about co-dependent!), and went to be with him. We were there for approx a year before he came to me one day and said he felt guilty and that I should move to New Hampshire to be with my mother and go to school there (we could keep in touch via the internet).
I drove the millions of miles to get there with ALL of my stuff, moved in with my mum and a day later proceeded with signing up for school. A week later, I get this call from him begging me to marry him and come back, he missed me. What did I do like a freaking idiot AGAIN? I turn around and came back.
While home in Georgia again with him, I find that he was cheating on me while I was in New Hampshire and get the feeling that he wanted me to leave so he could. (He wasn’t really interested in my feelings). So, then when I confront him about it, move out into a friends home, he calls and begs me pleading and crying for me to take him back and that we can move into a house and be a family. What did I do? You got it! I performed like the idiot I am and moved back with him. Then we found a house together and a year later got married. (I must have been out of my ever loving mind!).
A year or two go by and he is drinking excessively and he’s out of control. He loses his job and he loses his license and wrecks my truck on the highway, nearly killing himself. What did I do? I stayed by his side during the entire recovery time, drove him around (and boy was he miserable when he wasn’t drinking) for about 9 months.
He promised and promised we would move to New Hampshire near my mother. She was getting older and I wanted to spend more time with her. (By the way, she was an alcoholic too!) So we planned to move there and he promised my daughter some farm animals and well, as you can imagine, that didn’t happen.
We ended up in another state that I hate more than life (not in Florida). He promised me he was trying to make himself a better husband and even started to journal. He promised again that we would only be living here long enough for him to achieve his goals (which was his Bachelors Degree… about 2 and a half years.) 6 years later… we are still here!
The whole time while raising my daughter I would hear, “We don’t do anything because you have a daughter and she just complicates the marriage. Once she’s gone we’ll be able to go places, do things spend more time together, etc etc etc.”
Well, it’s been 2 years since my daughter has left and lives on the west coast! What has he done in our relationship? NADA! He’s emotionally distant, socially inept when it comes to making friends, rude and contentious. He lives in his tiny room off of our 600 square foot apartment and uses it as an excuse that he has to be marketable so he can get a better job, one that pays more money. The last job he had he was laid off of but he wasn’t happy when he was pulling in 6 figures and he still is pulling a low 6 figures and still isn’t happy!
I’ve complained, conjolled, prayed, cried my eyes out, had emotional affairs to quench the loneliness which only makes me feel guilty in the end and bitter toward the fact that I have to go there to begin with! I’ve had near nervous breakdowns trying to explain to him these things and he just looks at me like he’s lost! If by any chance that I happen to be having a happy day, listening to my country music for example, he has to make it miserable for me by telling me that it’s junk music and making lots of racket so I’ll turn it off!
If he’s hungry, instead of asking me to make him something to eat, he simply just says, "Hungry" or "Thirsty" or "Get me a Pepsi". He used to watch TV and then just hand me his plate without eye contact or anything!
So, what to do, what to do… I don’t want to cheat on him… I love him (although that is beginning to make me wonder… do I love him or feel sorry for him?). I am also beginning to beg God to make him meet someone else or have him leave me so I don’t have to leave him! We’ve had some good times together in the past.
Sex is nearly non-existent! Once every 6 months is not kosher for me. It really isn’t about the sex though, it is about the companionship and closeness.
I’m sorry this was long but it’s my 2 cents or 2 million dollars worth!
(USA) Hello everyone :) I was working on my marriage issues when I came across the name of a counselor named Mort Ferel on the Internet. What he writes is simple, accurate and helpful esp. to marriage relationships. I suggest that everyone look up his website and you will probably find the answers you are seeking. I did. I feel his skills are gifts from God, and that he is comparable to people like Mother Teresa, Cesar Milan the dog whisperer, and Abraham Lincoln. He is a miracle worker to relationships. Best wishes to everyone. Anne M-H
(USA) After reading many of the sad posts I wonder why we have not found a cure for this problem of valuing ourselves apart from the feelings of others. I suffer like everyone else fighting, waiting, crying and hoping that something will get better –that if I do this, then maybe he will do that. Then I remember the curse (and I am not saying that this is the only thing in play) "Your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you". Is there a healing this side of heaven to redeem us from that curse? If Jesus is the answer to the curse then when does it lift? He came to heal the broken hearted to set free the captives– there must be a way.
As for the men who are cheating on their woman, that is their character flaw, mental illness or whatever. You can forgive him but you don’t have to live with him anymore — you have a biblical release of contract. My husband is so distant emotionally, I have wondered at times if it could be another women but he doesn’t make much effort at anything other than going to work and it takes up most of his time so I too would be surprised. I can recall being so lonely in our marriage that I provoked him to just get it over with and cheat already because I already felt abandoned.
I have struggled with wanting the okay (biblically) to leave cause sometimes just like all the other Christian women who can’t figure their men out, it just gets too painful and lonely to be with an emotionally unavailable person. Then something happens and he tunes in and I have hope. That is where it sadly reminds me of abuse. The neglect and then a time of connection make you hold out in hope that it will get better, but then we go right back into the pattern in the article to a tee.
(UNITED KINGDOM, LONDON) Hi Carol, I just read your post and i really feel for you and your situation. It must be very difficult to have a husband whose like a roller coaster, one minute up and the next down.
I think that the passage you quoted is quite true, if only one partner is willingly to have a God filled marriage, NOT if both husband and wife are willing to give 100% towards the marriage and want God to be the centre of that marriage. There is healing this side of heaven but sometimes that healing may not be for your marriage, it may just be for yourself.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is to focus on the other partners problems because we feel that we are the ones who have be wronged, and we find it very difficult to see where we ourselves have gone wrong. If you give your problems to Jesus then he will heal your broken heart.
We must remember that whatever we go through, Jesus suffered a million times worse, yet he had nothing to suffer for, but he willingly took on that suffering for us. So imagine how broken hearted he is when we turn around and say "how can Jesus heal my broken heart" etc knowing what he has done for us already?
It does seem that your husband is being very selfish in the way his acting and his not even considering your feelings through this. My only advice is that you really need to sit him down and brutally tell him the truth, without raised voices or anger, but in a way which he knows how serious you are and how hurt you are by his actions.
Marriage is NOT about figuring out your man, it’s about finding mutual ground where both partner feel loved and appreciated, and finding ways to deal with your problems as a threesome, you, your husband and most of all GOD.
I know how hard it must be living with an emotionally unavailable husband, but I really think that if you stop focusing your energy on the things his not doing, and start putting it into your relationship with God then you’ll definitely see a change, maybe not in your husband but within yourself.
You may think I sound a bit full of myself but trust me I’m only telling you the advice, I myself, am trying to take even though it is so so hard.
For me, I’m living with a husband who’s a sex addict and has been involved with some terrible things. On our 2nd wedding anniversary he confessed that he was addicted to porn, but worse still he’d been receiving oral sex from strange men in public toilets. The pain I felt that night and am still feeling is so deep that I honestly didn’t think that there was any way through this.
It’s been 4 months now, my husband has been so brave, and he’s definitely fighting a wining battle.
He’s done so well, he’s got himself a great counselor from our church, and enrolled on a 33 week living waters course. We’ve been on the Alpha course together twice and we are going to start marriage counselling together once I have done my own personal counselling with my counselor from church.
The pain doesn’t go away, but as time passes it slowly becomes less until you can no longer feel it.
What I’m saying is that my husband and I have a long long way to, I’ve gone through so many emotions over the last 4 months and on so many occasions I’ve been ready to take my girls and run, without stopping.
But then I remember my wedding vows, and the promise I made before God. Times are tough right now, but we’ve had some amazing times as well and I can’t forget that. I praised God in those amazing times so how can I turn my back on God through this tough time? My husband is 110% committed to restoring our marriage and I’m 110% committed as well because we love each other so much. We treasure our family and the life we had.
My husband chose to do the wrong thing. He’s being accountable for his actions, to me and to his personal mentor/counselor. My husband is ready to put in the hard work. He’s got a lot of making up to do because we’ve now got so many issues we’re now faced with, but we are ready to confront them together because we both have God as our back bone.
It may all come back to slap me in the face but in my heart I know the truth. I know that God will heal me as he has done in the past, but most of all he is healing my husband in so many amazing ways because he’s opened up his heart to him. That hole we all have in our hearts is a God shaped hole; it can only be filled by his spirit when we allow it. My husband has allowed it and I’m so proud of him for that.
When a partner betrays you, their words mean nothing, only their actions can be prove of the change within them, once you see it, you can believe it.
I will have you in my prayers. Please don’t give up on your marriage just yet. Once you feel you have given it your all and can look back with no regrets, then you will know what to do, but give him a chance and if it’s God’s will, your marriage will be healed. There is a light at the end of that tunnel.
That light is our Lord Jesus Christ. Let him be your guide through this terrible time. Love and prayers, Caroline :)