Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(CANADA) I have an emotionally distant and emotionally abusive husband. Leave him alone and he is fine; but, if I leave him alone for too long well, then I don’t love him. It is so confusing. He threatens me with divorce all the time. All he wants to do is make large amounts of money and I am to shut up and have no emotions. I feel like an employee, not a person and I so want my husband back. It started to happen in 2001 when his father died. I have left him twice, always to come back because I still love him. He tells me he loves me but can’t give me love.
He is a civilian defence contractor (in and out of Afghanistan) and he often tells me to take it or leave it. He is only home for one month out of every four if he is lucky.
Everyone else is allowed to tell him he is losing it except for me. I am really hurting here between him and adult children that have no respect for me.
(US) Married for 17 yrs. patern is just like above. He helps all others and is emotionally distant from children and me. Won’t make decisions about anything, home improvement, socialization (non existant unless I schedule), family occasions. And he’s very attached to his mother.
(POLAND) Hi. I have been married for over 20 yrs. For almost a year now my husband has been completely emotionally evasive. He left the house recently. He is talking about divorce. I cannot consider that. I love him, with all my heart. I have learnt this in this process, without the shadow of a doubt.
I have been very needy emotionally for many years. I am trusting and leaning on God with all my heart. I am standing, and it is only because of His grace. In a way I am not able to describe I can see God´s hand in all of this. He is not only dealing with our marriage. He is dealing with me. I am not afraid of suffering any more. I have understood His love and suffering for me through my own suffering. I have understood how we rejected Him in being rejected myself.
I want to fight for our marriage.
(UK) I did not want to leave a comment but have felt compelled to. Reading all your comments, experiences and pain was like a lookback into my marriage. I am a Christian woman (my husband is also supposed to be a Christian, we met in church). I’m in my late twenties and married for companionship, security etc but have rather gotten an emotionally evasive man who has never sat down with me to have a full conversation about us as a couple without exploding, walking away, shouting me down etc etc. This is generally followed by days and sometimes weeks of ignoring me (this extends to sex) and only interacting at his will.
He goes as far as mocking/scoffing if I start to cry when he is emotionally hurting me. I suffer from a painful condition and it appears my inability to work regularly has made him lose all respect for me. There have been times when my condition has been so bad I cannot even get up to get myself food or pain killers or even get to the bathroom. At times like this, if say I’ve ‘annoyed’ or ‘hurt’ (and this can be about the most trivial things) that day or even some time before that, if I ask him for help (I have begged him at night to get me my pain medicine or even hold me as I’m in so much pain) he has been known to completely ignore me.
His family are also Christians. His father is in fact a pastor. They have treated me like dirt from the start. My husband did little or nothing to stop this. They have given him two ultimatums to divorce me. Why? Over things like my being from the country I am from, over me being assertive, over me carrying the sickle cell trait (complete ignorance as firstly my mother is sickle cell anaemic, I got this trait from her at birth). This trait is harmless and would only have be an issue if my husband also has the trait. Then our kids/or one could possibly get the sickle cell condition. My husband does not have the trait. So it in no way affects any future children. This is not the condition that is causing me pain now. This developed while I was with my husband and I believe it is due to all the stress I have been under from my marriage,in laws etc, and other trivial things. May I add that his mother has led out in these campaigns as far as encouraging her family ie her other children and their spouses, to send mean emails with all sorts of lies about me to me and my spouse. This went on for so long, I started having panic attacks, lost weight and my insomnia got worst.
During that time instead of my husband taking a zero tolerance approach to his family’s behaviour. He instead asked me for a divorce, whenever I have needed him most i.e. in relation with his family or physically in relation to my illness. He has stated he wants a divorce at least a million times in the course of our marriage. He states this over the minor and the major things. Remember this is the same man who has never even sat down to have a full conversation about our marriage or our feelings. Most times I have then proceeded to beg him to change his mind. In telling him divorce is wrong in Gods eyes and has never worked, he says things like ‘God will understand’ or ‘God does not want to live his life unhappy.’ Why is he unhappy? Oh, because he has a wife who has feelings too and makes the mistake of thinking he actually cares about them.
I did an experiment once, where for 6 months I never complained about anything. I just let him do whatever he wanted when he wanted etc. Like he’d play pc games till dawn every day and immature things like that constantly. I never said a word. After the 6 months I could not bear the selfishness anymore and the fact that I was having to hold back my feelings, needs, thoughts etc to make this man happy. Marriage is supposed to about two people connected in Christ. I did ask him during the 6 month period if he was happy. His answer? Never been this happy before.
Needless to say I would have loved to stay acting as his dummy as I did during that experimental time but how long can one do that for? Is that what a Christian marriage should be? That is not a real marriage. And which man, unless he’s an incredibly self centered, selfish and disconnected to God sort of man, would be happy that only his feelings were being catered for in his relationship?
So fast forward to what’s been a hellish marriage, yet again he wants a divorce. What is it over this time? I have not an inkling. One minute we were talking about us (as initiated by me), he said i’d interupted him. I said sorry, please go on, pleaded for him to. He stormed off eventually. Later I tried talking to him that when he deals with things that way repeatedly how will we ever get anywhere or resolve anything? He said he was not interested to resolve anything as he’s wanted a divorce for most of the marriage and I’m the one who has begged him to reconsider etc. Lately, I don’t beg him to stay anymore. I am just too drained. I had great self esteem before we married. Now, I don’t have an ounce.
Interestingly enough his family has the wrong picture completely. His mother has perpertuated this idea that he needs to be rescued from me as I’m controlling him and making his life hell. My husband has helped encouraged this complete lie by leaning on her shoulder in his moments of ‘deep unhappiness’ (usually over utter nonsense, where he has then proceeded to bully, shout or ignore me to avoid the conversation). How can he be the unhappy one, when I’m the one losing hair and weight, just walking on egg shells every minute.
I could go on and on but what I will say is, he has zero respect for me. NONE! He says this to me all the time and says that it is because of me, how I treat him. How I speak to him and so and so forth. The interesting thing is even when he says this I have been known to apologise and ask what I can do to change that. He scoffs and then rather mocks me in response. How am I as a wife not trying to make this selfish man happy? I have done so much I am broken; I have no more to give.
When I met my husband he worked in local depot store. He did not have a thing to his name and he had very little confidence. I believed in his abilities and pushed him to be the best he could be, helped him get a great job by just encouraging him, helping him prep for interviews, job hunting for him and so on. This man does not remember that, when I remind it makes him angry. Now that I cannot work because I’m ill, he does not give me a break. He treats me so badly and just ignores that I’m even in the same house as him.
While we have been married he was out of work once and I was working, before I became unwell. I always made sure to pray to never make him consciously or unconsciously feel any less of a man for not working and God helped me keep to my prayer. This man now is something and a somebody at work and career wise and has no respect for the woman who by God’s grace believed in him.
I pray for him as I know, that in itself has no blessing or reward. I met him at church but now when I even mention that divorce is not of God he scoffs and says ‘you think you’re perfect’ or ‘don’t preach to me’ etc. If I had met this man outside of church this would be understandable but we met at church!! why is he not rather building my faith instead of knocking it bad by making me wonder how God can sit back for me to so treated.
They say in a marriage one spouses should always take the turn to play the fool, be the mediator. I have done this for the full length of our marriage. I am tired. Should I also not get the chance to go on the frequent ego trips he goes on at whim? Why can’t I have a husband who makes me even feel like I’m a woman. I am not even thirty yet but sex is completely non existent. The saddest part is im struggling with infertlity and we agreed a while ago to try for baby and this has been an emotional rollercoaster and we have being seing a specialist. During this time we haven’t been able to try and much as we ought because of course whenever my husband is in his ‘unhappy’ silly moods over practically everything and nothing, he completely ignores me and sex goes out the window and thus my life and wanting to have a child is on hold!!!
I want to end by saying this comment is in no way to say my husband is all bad or that all our issues are his fault. NOT AT ALL. I have done things and said words I regret in anger. I have started physical fights due to the negligence, which is off course is neither reflective of Christ or of anything good. So I am the chief of sinners. But I am asking God to continue to work on me and I’m willing to work on my marriage till death (as it should be). It is just hard to be married to a Christian who seems to have worldly views on marriage. With all my begging I’ve gotten him over time to stay but I have not gotten him to actually work on anything, not once.
He had agreed to go to counselling a few times, whenever it is off again as decreed by him at least once week (the marriage and I are like Yo-yo’s to him) he refuses to go. So we have never had even a second of couselling.
We only live together now as I am still job hunting for work. He is waiting till I get work and can pay for my own place and then it’s truly over for him. I have been looking for a while, maybe it is God’s will that nothing has come through yet. 90% of me wishes I could get financially independent as my husband even resents that he cannot kick me out due to my lacking a job and I think that causes him to disrespect me more. The other 10%, which has always hoped and believed my marriage would get better, is not sure I want a job as that will spell the actual end (although it ended a long time ago even though we reside in the same house, he doesn’t see me as his wife).
What hurts as well is there have been times I have found the strength and wanted to leave but what has happened those few times??? My emotionally evasive and selfish husband has pleaded (oh so he is capable of that!!) for me not to go. He has gone unto say that he knows he has gone far from God, that he has treated my hatefully, that he wants to be a better man etc etc. Usually in those times, stupid me, has listened and stayed. That new man never lasted longer than a week. When the old him comes out again and I kindly remind him of his promise, he scoffs at the apology he made and completely takes the sincerity out of it.
why did I leave this comment? Because yesterday he broke my heart again. Yet again, we are off again, yet again I need to move on my merry way, yet again he does not love me again (he has told me this a billion times). I cried till my soul broke, not for the words as I have heard them an infinite amount of times. I cried for being ill, for having this added stress of a non existend husband. I cried concerning my unbreakable hope, the hope that I have always believed that it would get better, the faith I have had in my husband who less than a week ago told me he wanted to try again (for zillionth time!!) and wanted to get counselling.
I came unto the net and stumbled unto this article and your comments. I just want anyone reading this that whatever your needs are at any point, GOD WILL SUPPLY THEM. I was so broken yesterday I called a relative and she didn’t pick up her phone. When I did get through to her I realised she was busy and so I said I’d call her back. I cried even more than as my mum lives in another country and I have no friends. So i wept that I have pretty much gone through this situation on my own. Occasionally I talk to my relative about it. I really needed to lean on someone’s shoulder yesterday but after not getting my relatives as she was busy, so I didn’t even confide in her, I got all of your shoulders. I was crying and praying and then stumbled on this site. As I read all your comments it was like looking into a mirror that was reflecting my marriage and life .I know it was God who led me to this site. If you are at the end of your patience, hang in there because our God is an awesome God!
The bible says… We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed – 2 Corinthians 4:8.
I have let this marriage affect my relationship with God, but no more! the Bible tells us that only God is dependable on 24/7, only He does not change, only He without blemish. So I have decided to make my focus not my husband, but God as it ought. I wish that I had realised this years ago. I’ve spent precious energies on a man I cannot change (only God can change a human being and even then it is by their choice. God is not a dictator. He does not force them). I’m going to focus on my Lord and getting better amd getting help for my depression etc
LT and Laurie and every other woman who have contributed on this topic, if you ever read this, I want you to know that God made you for the very purpose that you are carrying out now. For gold to be pure it has to go through the heat. How could you or even I give advice or encourage with true empathy if we have never known what it feels like to be ignored, hurt or broken by our husbands? So lets give thanks even in tribulation as Gods ways are mysterious and not understood by us mere mortals.
So, a bit long winded but my comment was not to assasinate my husband’s character but was just to say that at my lowest God led me to this site where I drew spiritual strength by his grace, encouragement and that shoulder that I needed. My prayer is that someone reading this comment wherever they are and however bad their situation is, is encouraged that with Jesus in their vessel they can smile at the storm. Lets us remember that marriage is one of Gods biggest institutions. It is one that the devil has attacked from time old. His mission is to destroy marriage by divorce, and all these selfish self centered problems. Ephesians 10-18 says it best below.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
I am no longer focused on the storm and I don’t know what will happen tomorrow but I do know that I’m turning my eyes on the Lord as it’s safest there. I am asking God to mold me anew, to turn into something he can use. If that in turn inspires my husband to really find Christ (in that Saul becoming Paul sort of way), fine. If it doesn’t, fine. It is not my job to change him. I have finally also realised that it is not my fault (although he tells me this) that he behaves us he does. It is his choice.
I am no longer going to fuss, cry or do try to work on my marriage myself. I am leaving that to God completely. The word says… BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD – Psalm 46:10.
(USA) This article/book describes my marriage to a tee. I don’t want to hurt my daughters, but I just can’t spend another 20 years being miserable. There will come a time when I simply MUST be selfish.
(CANADA) So much blabber about your spouses’ inadequacies. If you are unhappy, leave the marriage. Why waste life’s precious time with someone who does not appreciate you?
(USA) Mimi, Apparently the one leaving is the one who doesn’t appreciate her spouse. After all, who ever heard of someone leaving who was appreciative?
Folks have the choice, they can find the good or the bad in their spouse. The ones who leave, or give the advice to leave are the ones unwilling or unable to appreciate the good in their spouses, not to mention, they make themselves liars by betraying their vows to remain married until death. I’m not so sure folks should follow your advice to break their vows and turn their word into something less than worthless.
(USA) Tony, What if you leave your spouse because you are neglected within the relationship and have been historically treated like dirt? Your spouse has no attention span for you, and does not listen. You’ve spent years trying to negotiate to get the relationship back on track. You also get no emotional or physical affirmation. At some point you will leave.
(USA) Is that what scripture says we are to do? No, it says GOD will supply all your needs. So if someone is not content and leaves, perhaps it’s because they are not taking God at His word on that promise.
(USA) Tony, Do you know what the book says about wife being in an affair? http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy+22&version=NIV Deuteronomy 22:22 – “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.” We will go to jail or be killed if we do this. In the world you’re going to break commandments and you have to forgive yourself. If your spouse has revealed themself to be a “devil” to you, and they are showing no signs of changing it, at some point you have to leave and God will forgive you.
The one recurring theme that I get out of the Bible is God wants you to be happy if you are doing right, but he doesn’t want you to be a fool behind anybody.
So people, I’d have to say I wouldn’t suggest any of you complain about not having needs met by a spouse for more than one year in time. At some point you get outside help, church-based and counceling. If the spouse still chooses to not participate with you, you’re going to have to leave.
(USA) Daddy L, I believe one is to forgive if the sinning spouse confesses and repents. Read the book of Hosea where God instructs the prophet Hosea to marry an adulterous woman. If the woman will leave her adulterous ways, we are to take her back. That is how God treats us, right? How many times do we as humans make Him “the fool”
If you live in such a fashion that you are not willing to forgive, you run the risk of God judging you by that same standard. Consider the parable of the man who was forgiven much, but then would not forgive the debt of one who owed him very little. What happened to man whose great debt was forgiven? The forgiveness of his debt was canceled and he was thrown in jail for his inability to pay.
I have an ex-wife. She was adulterous. Was I willing to forgive? Of course. I still am. But since she was acting as an unbeliever, and sought a divorce, according to 1 Corinthians 7, I had to let her have the divorce she wanted. Even my church would not confront her, a member of the church, as a church is instructed in Matthew 18.
So I’m since re-married, and that ship has sailed. If she would ask for forgiveness, I would give it to her. It’s what I’m commanded to do in scripture. But when she legally ended the marriage, it was over.
As a believer, I am called to live with the unbeliever (or the one who acts as an unbeliever) as long as it pleases the unbeliever. However, if that person wants to go, we have to let them go.
We as believers are NOT to initiate a divorce. One may argue that we can in the case of adultery. I would not argue against that. However, I believe the example Christ sets is that we don’t leave them, ever. If they leave us, that is their choice. Is that a path that is full of happiness? Probably not. But I think God is more worried about our Holiness than He is about our happiness.
(CANADA) I’m so sad to have read all that is written here. I have a very similar problem, but not nearly as bad as poor Mary’s situation in Poland. Currently I am drawing nearer to the Lord in order that He may guide me. We (husband & I) are separated at this point and attending the amazing Alpha course together. I am praying he will come to the Lord so that we can be together as one in Christ. After reading Mary’s story I feel the pain of having lived with a man who very sparingly showed physical affection to me, despite being pleasent for the most part. I pray that God will grant me a loving caring relationship with the man I love. Mercy from the Lord is all I can ask for, as I repent of my part in destroying our love.
(U.S) My husband and I have been married for almost 1 1/2 years. Within the last few months, he doesn’t want sex, which for me is the closest bonding time I have with him besides talking. I brought it up today and he said that it’s not that big ‘a deal to him anymore.’ Just wondering if this is normal and if all married couples go through something like this. If so, what to do?
(U.S.) My husband has NO sex drive at all. It’s not that the plumbing doesn’t work ’cause it does! It’s almost as if I have to beg, borrow and steal for sex. I guess I didn’t realize there were guys out there that could take it or leave it when it comes to sex. I was married for 30 years prior to my present marriage. I NEVER had to mention it. It was just a given that either person would make a move no matter what time of day it was or where we were (within the house). Sigh.
(ENGLAND) You have my sympathy! Having been in a long term marriage (25years) where sex was shared with love and willingness as often as either of us wanted, I am now in a relationship with an elusive and evasive man. Everything in this article applies to my partner. I am now recovering from a major stress related illness and reactive depression as a result of wondering why it was that so long as I was doing what he wanted, when he wanted he was calm, but my choices of activities were never fulfilled.
Every time we seemed to be getting on really well and were the happiest we had been for a long time, he would go off chasing married women and flirting and coming onto them. ??? Did he not know that this would really upset me??? Then I found out about evasive relationship tactics, and now I realise that it isnt just him, it is a pattern of behaviour that some men have. My question is, do I want to be with a man like that, or am I happier on my own??? What my partner doesn’t realise is, that when we break up, he will be chasing me again, and I will have all his good characteristics, and none of the bad evasive, controlling ones! Then he wonders why all his previous partners have either left him or thrown him out! Sad!
(U.S.) I have been married to an emotionally unavailable man for 23 years. I went through the “it must be me” phase for a number of years. I have been through the “you are crazy and I can’t talk to you when you are like this.” It has all been very painful and lonely. I have read books on improving relationships and therapy with and without him. He is going to church currently and is really more absorbed in the history of the Bible instead of the walk.
My yard is nice and his car is clean and he works many hrs. to support us, which is greatly appreciated and needed. We even went to a communications class through our church. He was involved but still critical of the process. When the class ended and he was no longer held accountable he reverted back to all his old habits. I have been doing some more soul searching to finally end my own inner turmoil. It is time I come to terms with the fact there is no change in sight. I am responsible for my own happiness.
(CANADA) Wow, you know, I have been to so many different sites, read through them, searched and searched for answers of why I am in this situation. I do not understand what my partner is thinking and we have had problems for soo long I, at times, do not even know what I am thinking or what I am mad about or upset with. This article has explained sooo much of what is going on in my own life from how he deals with problems by avoidance, what he thinks is the best way (which I cannot begin to understand) and myself feeling completely abandoned, unloved, totally taken advantage of, basically emotionally alone and neglected, empty. Great article, I would love to read the book.
I of course, understand that change has to begin with me and I can make those changes, it will be hard b/c I am so used to re-acting how I usually do BUT that is my last resource. But what do you do next? It’s not that I want to be right b/c I understand that when 1 wins 1 loses which is not what I want. But what do you do when you have made changes and an issue comes up which you know he is completely wrong and hurtful for doing but he will not acknowledge? What do you do when he would be sooo mad at you for doing the same thing to him? Why do these men do with things that they would never expect be done to them? Again, great info! I really want the book now!
(USA) This article made me consider the level of emotional distance I put into my wife’s and my marriage of two years. Even after reading the article I cannot put my finger on what has caused the distance between my wife and I.
I can certainly own the fact that the fear of the risk of vulnerability contributes to our emotional distance. Before, I chalked it up to my wife just being very different from me; she can tell someone she met in a shopping line about some temporary bowel disorder while I avoid telling someone as close as my mother even what I do for a living.
This is a problem that has gotten worse in our relationship and the article gave me some good insights on correcting my behavior.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am 45 year male and have been married over 22 years to my wife. We have two beautiful children of 15 and 12 years. My wife has been on depression medication for the past 6-7 years. In these 6-7 years I’ve started doing more and more of the traditional household tasks, to the point where I do almost everything from cooking daily, picking up the kids, make arrangements for sport activities, help theming with school tasks and homework, helping with house cleaning and sometimes even the ironing.
In this time certain bedroom activities also started getting less and less to a point that it happens only every 4-5 weeks (sometimes even longer) and then it still feels like I have to turn her arm to do it because she never wants and only does it to please me. I’ve had varoius discussion with her to find what is wrong, we have been to counseling on two occassions in last 6 years (changed medication), without any luck. I have tried just about everything. I have threathened to leave, I have bought expansive gifts, I’ve given expansive holidays, I have tried normal and abnormal. I just don’t know what to do next.
She is still working and really well doing on that aspect. She still takes good care of herself and is a very good looking woman. She still tells me that she loves every now and then. And I want to believe it and feeling it, but I just don’t. My thoughts at this stage is that she doesn’t want to be in marriage anymore and she’s hanging in there for the sake of it. Also maybe because she can’t really afford to go on her own. I still love her very much but I cannot go on like this anymore. I feel like the living dead, I’m tired and lonely. I’ve considered leaving (maybe that’s she wants me to do). I’ve had thoughts of suicide but that will really help nobody. I want to fix my marriage but don’t know what do anymore. I just want to love her and be loved back. This stress is really killing me.
(UNITED STATES) Run… don’t walk out of this relationship.
(USA) Lara, Please do not think about staying with this type of man unless the Lord himself strictly tells you to. I would pray and fast for days or weeks, as long as it takes to get a very clear answer from the Lord. If you do not get a clear definite answer from God then RUN! Do not look back! Don’t even give it a second thought. Only the Lord knows the future and what you can handle and are prepared for.
This type of person will utterly destroy any self worth and sense of security you have. I don’t know if they mean to or not. I, at this point, don’t even think it matters. This type of person destroys. Only God can change them, so leave him there at the foot of the cross and pray for him but please do not make that mistake.
I have been married to this type of person for 6 years. I think I am a pretty strong woman and was basking in God’s Love and blessings. I know the Lord still loves me, but it has gotten harder to accept the longer I am married to this man. I wish you well and may the Lord greatly direct you in this decision.
(UNITED STATES) I have been with my husband for 28 years. I’m so crazy at this point I’m thinking of divorce. When I try to talk to my husband about our relationship or lack of one he pulls the covers over his head. When I pull them down he covers his ears. I’m so lonely. I’m mentally and physically getting sick. I have lost 20 pounds, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I found out after 10 years of marriage that he was sexually abused by his brother. I found this out from one of his family members.
He doesn’t have sex with me but sneaks looking at porn. To make matters much worse, he had prostate cancer and had his prostate removed. The porn has increased. He is a workalcoholic, smokes pot and drinks beer. Every Friday he plays volleyball, every Saturday rides bikes and Sunday he watches sports and gets ready for the week. He goes on vacations with his volleyball buddies and does nothing with me. I left for a year and was so happy not getting my heart hurt everyday. He wanted me back and said he understands.
Well, that was 2 years ago. Im living the same hell over again. I’m 55 and feel like im so drained. I don’t know if I can leave again. I don’t want to die like this. I want someone to love me and share our life together and live separate ones. I’ve thought about ending my life lately. I’m so hurt by him and have a thousand stories that replay in my head constantly. What should I do? Help!
(USA) Hi I’m 23 married with two children. Unfortunately we started our lives backwards, meaning we had kids young and then got married. My husband and I never lived alone together or got to enjoy ourselves before having kids. My husband is a great man but for some reason when he is down (like now), because of not having a job, he is mad and frustrated with everything and everyone.
What hurts me is that he doesn’t want any intimacy at all. I feel like he is always trying to punish me if I don’t act or do things the way he wants. When things in our lives starts getting better then our intimacy get better. As a young mother and wife it is very frustrating to live in a marriage with no intimacy. They say sex is not everything but it definitely is needed sometimes to bring that “special bond”.
I have seen him withdrawn lately and I’ve spoken to my mother about it (not the sexual part) but she always lets me know that it’s because he is frustrated about not being able to find a job and that makes him feel as a failure of not being able to provide. The bad thing also is that I become very frustrated and angry with him and he then becomes angry with me and the cycle never ends. I began to pray more intensively but, it seems like such a long process. I worry and fear that I do not want to be another “number” of the many marriages that have spouses who don’t want intimacy for weeks and then months and then years. It kills me to remember the times when we were boyfriend and girlfriend and the intimacy was not even an issue. I even remember at once for mot so much, and I regret it because look what happened now? I love him for who he is and all but we argue all the time.
Please write back if you have any advice and if this is normal?