Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) Thank you for your wonderful and insightful words; I am struggling in my marriage with a man that is a wonderful provider, father, and good friend to many. He has been emotionally supportive to me in the past as I pursued two M.A. degrees and now as I work on my doctorate.
This same man does not compliment me, treats me like I’m his sister, can go weeks and months at a time without sex, and just doesn’t seem to notice or care that I am hurting deeply concerning these matters. I am getting to the point where I really resent him for not being attentive to me as a still attractive and sexual woman of 47 years.
We are both Christians. I am trying to hard to remain prayerful but I am so hurt. This is the same man who 16 years ago couldn’t keep his hands off me; I don’t know if I should talk to him now or not because I am so upset I might start crying.
(POLAND) Hello everyone, Naturally, I too have an evasive husband. We married 8 years ago when I was very young. I missed the patterns developing untill it was late, and they have already been fixed in our marriage. We come from different countries. I lived with my husband in his. In the beginning I felt loved, cared for, as the priority. Then things started changing. Some financial issues were involved, but I’m not entirely sure this was the trigger.
My husband was very jealous. He soon isolated us from people. I just wanted to avoid conflict. He grew distant, started getting overly involved with himself, his hobbies, etc. I started feeling disregarded. He also disengaged emotionally from our relationship. I could not get him to talk about it. I started analyzing him. I watched him and he became my primary focus in life. It was a constant pushing me away and then drawing me back to him. Hurting me and then saying that he didn’t want to lose me. He would not take leadership. He would not initiate discussions about us, our future together. We floated in the air. He didn’t want to even consider us having children.
Later he started cheating on me. His first affair took 8 months to end after I first found out. He was too confused to stop it. He didn’t know what he wanted. I moved out, then came back uninvited, offering to try to fix it together. He didn’t do anything to mend us. For a couple of months things calmed down, then he had an emotional affair with another woman. Since then I caught him in the act of chatting up girls (mainly much younger). He eventually admitted that he needed to boost his self esteem, because he always felt inadequate in the relationship with me. With me he felt de-masculated.
I tried my best. I changed tactics. I tried being soft, hard, I prayed, I talked and I kept quiet. I might have made a mistake in trying so hard. Maybe if I just let him have his own way and focused on something else, I would have done better. Anyhow, last December, he met a girl at a bar, flirted and asked her to go out with him again. I intercepted their messages and felt I couldn’t cope with it anymore. I was an emotional wreck, I was neglecting my own life goals, I had to do something drastic to change the status quo.
I went back to my home country to stayed with my parents. Before I left, I offered for him to join me when he was ready. For the first several months he couldn’t decide but kept my option open. He felt abandoned by me. I hoped that he would miss me and would move to live with me. I hoped that a change of scenery would be a trigger to changes in our relationship. We kept contact daily. Again, I was the one who always waited online to chat to him, but at first he always appeared.
Very recently things went south. He suddenly was too busy, too tired or just away somewhere and couldn’t get online. I knew something was going on. Last Monday I asked him, why was he neglecting our contact, and whether he still cared that we were together, whether he still wanted to be my husband. He then said that he needed space to be free, that he wanted to meet new people and enjoy life. He also said that with me he was always anxious and never really comfortable with the man he was. He wanted to simplify his life now. I said that this meant a divorce.
I found out that he is having a fling with a girl 17 years his junior. She’s freshly out of highschool. He does not plan to have a serious relationship. He is only fooling around. No strings attached. I never wanted it to end this way. I don’t want to go on looking for further solutions anymore (but I do). I wish he changed, took responsibility, got involved, dropped his commitment issue. I realise now, I can’t change him. I cannot live with no boundries on his side, nothing to be sure of. I am trying to accept that divorce may be the only way for me to find what I need. I am holding on to the last threads of hope that he could be the man I would have a future, and a family with. Please comment. I would like to know what you think about my situation.
(INDIA) This is exactly how my husband behaves. We knew each other for a year… and married for 10 months. I’m deprived of all love and care that newlyweds experience. We have a lot of conflicts and mis-matchings. Sometimes I can’t tolerate his rude, harsh reckless words… sometimes I can’t tolerate his isolation… sharing almost nothing with me.
I kept on crying and crying, not knowing what to do; this made the situation most worse. I’m too tired, heart broken, upset emotionally, physically and mentally. I’m feeling lonely and depressed not knowing what to do. I’m suffering with migraine due to this severe stress. Several times he threatened me with separation, which played with my emotions… blackmailed me that if you are not happy with me, move on. But I love him so much and always wish to be with him happily. Every time I said ‘if some conflict occurs we should work out on that instead of making hasty conclusions and exteme decisions’.
I came far away from my husband to my home country and am working. Now he wants me to come back for him. even though I want to go back and live a happy life but I’m afraid. He never keeps his promises. He is not there for me. He says it but never shows it in his actions. How do I trust him? He doesn’t really feel bad when I’m hurt. Will it make any difference if I show him this article or will he turn more negative? I don’t know… please someone help me deal with this situation. I lost my mental stamina and am not able to decide anything. I want peace, but my health is not cooperating with me.
No one knows. Not my my parents, his parents about this. I am afraid and don’t want to tell them anything -I really don’t know how I would tell them even if I wanted to. I’m afraid I may be blamed for all. The final thing is I love him a lot… willing to do anything to make our marriage work out.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for a little over a year now. My daughter was only a few weeks old when another female came to my doorstep and told me what she had been doing with my husband. I was given chlamydia more than once during my pregnancy, and the fact that not only had he cheated but did it unprotected with no regards to my life or his unborn child was devastating, yet for better or for worse is what we said right?
I tried to forgive and move on. My husband has called me every name in the book that you can think of. He is so quick to put money into cars or gamble at the casino yet will never pay a bill on time. Before my daughter was born I had to buy her everything she would need with no help from him at all. He is currently in Afghanistan and wants support but has left me here with no financial support whatsoever and we have another baby due in 3 months.
I have never gotten flowers from him and he feels as if it would be foolish of him to spend any kind of money on his own wife and I always go all out for him. I have done everything for this man; I cook, clean, wash clothes, everything and get nothing in return. He claims that he loves me, how can this be love? He does not understand why I’m so upset.
He got served his divorce papers because I just feel like if I’m already doing it by myself then I might as well be by myself. I am struggling to pay bills, don’t even know how I’m going to get everything my unborn child is going to need. It’s as if providing for his family is something he has never heard of. I feel like I’m giving up on my marriage and the vows that I took, but can you blame me? I don’t know what to do :-(
(CR) WOW, great article, it totally describes our relationship. I know I’ve got tons of work to do, and it’s exhausting. I feel that it’s not even worth it. :( and I’ve only been married for 3 years. It’s like I’m his mother telling him what to do and what not to do. We’ve got a 2 year old baby, and I love doing things for her, but SHE’S the baby. To make it worse, our financial situation is not the best, he’s not making enough money, and I pay most of the things (80%). I’d love to feel secure, and to know I count with him, but he just knows I’m going to solve any problem that comes, so he’s calm and relaxed, and I go crazy. Please pray for my marriage.
(USA) Wow…this article was a real eye opener, and I am shocked, this situation describes my marriage to a tee… just after I prayed to the Lord God to show me a way to understand all this madness about him being so distant and then angry when we are talking about anything… I am glad I found this now.
And because my husband is the one who keeps saying that I am dumb and fat and have no common sense, yada yada and all of that, after 12 years of marriage; I started to take his word for it. I will distance myself and start the divorce proceedings. Will make it as easy as I possibly can. He can have all the cars, the furniture, everything. I will only take my personal belongings, my books and my laptop and flee the country. Will live somewhere else so that he will never find me. I hate taking the easy way out but in reality, I was not the complaining wife, I was the submissive one and he still behaves this way… nevertheless I will assume responsibility for all my actions, including this one; and all for my peace of mind. ;)
(UNITED STATES) I wanted to thank you for writing about focusing on God and my relationship with him. I have been married for 15 years. We have suffered through an affair at the beginning of our marriage. He has a controlling mother, and refuses to talk to me because he knows I will not like what he is saying so he says nothing and isolates me. I am very lonely. I see my frustration with my hubby coming out on our children. It is not good. I know the only reason I am still married is because I have seen the effects of divorce on my niece and nephew. Please pray for me and help me focus more on my relationship with God it can only help me survive this lonely marriage.
(MALAYSIA) I will pray for you too. Hope things are better now for you
(USA) Thank you for helping open my eyes to why my marriage is in crisis. After reading your article I know for sure that I am an emotionally distant husband but could never really understand why I behaved this way. I have been married for 26 years to a very deeply heartfelt and emotional lady. She so craves what I have been unable to give her. What book would you recommend for me to help as a husband to break this cycle and meet his wife’s emotional needs? I’m soooo ready for this!! Thanks Steve, in the shadow of Mount Ranier
(USA) Great article, well said. Thanks. I will keep this close to my side so I can refer to it. This is exactly whom I have married. I am currently going on 17 yrs; I did not realize this was my husband in the first 10 yrs, that I am happy for. I was raised with only a mother, so just having a man in the home was my satisfaction… then somewhere after year 10, I woke up.
It may have been the kid raising time and I got emotionally drained. I have two wonderful children and I have no plans of leaving my husband even if he has no ability to communicate and chooses not to. With God all things are possible. I have hope, faith, grace… so much to know that I can make it, taking it one day at a time.
(USA) I also agree with Tara – “Run do not Walk out of this relationship”, otherwise your entire marriage will become what you are going thru without the license.
(USA) I agree. I’ve got 18 years invested in a marriage that sounds exactly like you describe. I love my husband but I’m so sad and stressed with anxiety. I’ve tried everything. I think about divorce all the time but won’t do it because of my kids. I continue to fear what life will be like after my kids leave. It makes me ill. I also see the negativity and emotional distress in my children.
Run, not kidding, if I knew it was going to be like this I don’t think I would have ever married. I need someone who can really show they care about me and is open to talking about anything other than computers and the weather.
(USA) Man you have just described me exactly!!! Been married for 9 years and we have 5 small children..idk what to do:-(
(USA) Married 40 + years! We’ve had sex maybe 30 times in our whole life. And I personally think it is a chore and very unfullfilling. I don’t want any love, intimacy, sex from my wife or any one else. I just prefer being friends who live in the same house. My wife on the other hand likes sex, intimacy and she has been very depressed, lonely, and hurt from all this. She wanted kids, I didn’t, and when she talked about kids I went out and had myself fixed. She is now on drugs for depression and these help a lot. You’re probably wondering why we got married. I guess at the time it seemed to be a good idea.
(USA) So what you are saying is that you have met your perverse emotional needs for control at the expense of your wife’s mental and emotional health, and you are taking no responsibility for the fact that you entered into a marriage partnership with her?
I feel for your wife. It’s appalling the lighthearted way you refer to being sterilized in response to her voicing a desire for children. This isn’t a marriage… it’s a victimization of this woman. Who, God love her, is medicating herself to be able to stay with you in the face of such narcissitic behavior. Gag.
(USA) I think it should be noted that the last thing an emotionally distant male wants is self-awareness. This means that the situation will not change, ever.
Although one can have a devotion to Christ, etc. not having an authentic partnership with a spouse, when so much of life and the well being of one’s children revolves around it — i.e. healthy interdependance- is emotionally debilitating – and naturally so. Anger, rage, frustration, are all normal responses to such a loss and living in a pattern like that leads to co-dependence, which is really unhealthy. So getting clear with yourself that you are in a dysfunctional relationship is important, then figuring out how to be whole by yourself is also important.
In my case, this lead to divorce as I realized the unhealthy pattern was always seeking to assert itself, and I was attracted to other men eventually – more shame and guilt from the Christian world. But I never even developed an emotional relationship with a man outside my marriage. Quite a feat given that the EDM also tends to control relationships and everything else, so that it was even hard to keep girlfriends. Everyone needs healthy relationships, and Christ never intended to make monks out of us.
I’m still learning the limits of my now ex-husband’s emotional life. I’m there for him if he needs to talk, and he lets me know, when the shoe is on the other foot, that he can’t be there for me because we aren’t married anymore since I sinned and divorced him. I divorced due to the lack of financial leadership, but have told him I am willing to reconcile if we worked on a few areas. He says, I hurt him and divorced him and that’s it. You know, that probably really is it for him.
Thanks for the helpful article. It helps me to remember to keep doing what I’ve been doing — stay clear about what I need, ask for it in terms of “I”, and stay cheerful when he says no (and always have a back up plan). I could never go back into the same relationship as there is so much more to this pattern than the simple loss of emotional connection, and I am a MUCH better, nicer, saner, and thoughtful parent as a result. But, the path out is tougher as you get older.
I wish I had divorced a lot sooner, I’m a lot healthier and happy now. The marriage was really painful, the divorce was super painful, and rehabilitation is super hard, but now life is better, and I’m not constantly sick or twisted up emotionally.
I suppose with enough family and church support, and sound finances, a woman could live this way, with a lot of self-awareness – but I don’t think it is possible without these supports.
It has always been interesting to me that some of our most insightful counselors, writers, and poets are men, but the standard churched man is constantly reinforced as not having time for emotions, and women as being more emotional than their husbands. I hope the church gets past these stereotypes and focuses on the kinds of behaviors and needs that are beneficial in the various stages and purposes of marriage.
(USA) For 40+ plus years my husband is so distant from me. The last time we really communicated was years ago. We hadn’t had sex, intimacy or any sort of love for over 30 years. We live in the same house and we do different things and have totally different friends. I should have left him years ago but that’s another story.
We do sit together for breakfast; I read the paper and my husband hates the news. He would rather eat his cereal and be left in his own little world. Our life is really bad, no kids or family left. Two people just bobbing in an endless ocean.
(UNITED STATES) I’m 24 years old and my husband is 28. We have been married for one year and together for 3. We have a small child together and my life every day is miserable. He plays games all day from the time he wakes to the time he sleeps. Anytime I address this he either says nothing or says uh-huh, are you done yet?
Anytime I try to find resources to help open our communication, I talk to him about it. He still remains quiet. He occasionally makes sarcastic remarks like “another day of psychology with Heather.” He doesn’t take what I have to say seriously ever. He just says if we say nothing, we will be fine. We’ll go the whole day not saying a word to each other. I ask him calmly, is anything wrong? Can I do anything to make you happy? He says he’s fine, I touch him and I get no reaction other than agitated looks.
I’ve always been a single and independant woman, not so quick to open my heart, but now I’m wishing I never did. The first two years were horrible. Every time we fought, he would email or post adds on Craigslist. Even though he never went through with any of it. He always promised He would change, and that he would never do it again.
3 months ago we had a fight, and he stayed at his friends. I find his email account and there’s an ad looking for female friends. Although the email seemed harmless enough, it’s the motive that I question. It was posted 3 hours after He left the house.
My trust is gone, and apperantly I drive him crazy with my insecurities. He is very patient considering what he’s put me through. (Did I mention, he is illegal and I am the one that supports the house?) Thank God for my great paying job! Oh and his excuse always for those emails is “I was being selfish.”
If I needed my papers I would do what ever it takes to get them. To be honest it gives me the creeps. I mean what’s to say he isnt using me right?
(US) After reading all of these posts, all I can say is- are there ANY men out there who are truly emotionally available to their wives? And why do they get married if they’re just going to look at porn, space out in front of the tv, complain about having to go to work to support their families, and many end up going outside of the marriage for emotional support when all the while they have a wife who is sitting at home alone. Honestly, I’m sorry; but to me, the picture is clear. THEY ARE ALREADY GONE. They left but took the cowardly way out by sulking and silently retreating like little boys rather than men.
I realize surely not all men or even all frustrating relationships are attributed to my above sentiments, but all the men in my life have been that way. I’ve been married 10 years now and he has completely abandoned me and our son emotionally. He acts like I’m a nag for wanting a partner in the marriage. Like I should be thrilled with someone who moans and groans about the only thing he provides for us – finances. And even that he reminds me daily is something he hates to do for us and basically acts like he resents us for it all.
Truth is he is not really even here. His body is -basically a shell. But he checked out long ago. If I have to hear one more time about how I am basically responsible for making him want me and value me one more time, I think I’m gonna lose it. I’m not perfect, but a relationship takes two people. Just because a man hasn’t physically left the marriage we women are told to pin a gold star on him and be grateful. All I have to say is where’s my gold star?