Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(UNITED STATES) The entries here are disheartening. There are a lot of marriages suffering. My marriage has not been perfect but I love my husband dearly. We are in the process of restorng a marriage that started out great then it started getting stagnant, then it was good, then it was stale and it looked like it was dead. But now we are working on it. God wants us to work on it and when we put ourselves in it-it is worth it regardless of what other people try to tell you.
I am just gonna say every one here is a Christian because this site brings us advice that is Bible supported. PLEASE find someone to go to and talk on how to get you and your spouse to communicate. My husband is a pastor and he will tell anyone, he forgot how to minister at home, and there are many other ministers out there that can say the same thing. So if men and women of God are struggling in their marriages then a lay person will have problems too.
But sitting and thinking that our spouses are going to get better without getting some help, or like there is something that we can do about it on our own, or feeling ashamed that our marriage is irritating us and we can’t tell anyone is getting our marriages no where and our marriages are failing. Find someone to help you and don’t just go one time, it is a process. Set up several days a week or a day every week to go to that Pastor to talk and to help and to remind us of our roles and our vows we took not only to each other but in the presence of God. Marriages can be reconciled and made stronger after loneliness, infidelity, staleness, not knowing what to do next, how to express our feelings.
Even though me and my spouse are determined to not let satan run our family back to nothing, we know that we have to keep our hears and minds guarded and when we are strong again our place in our Lord’s kingdom is to help families and marriages with issues stated here be stronger together. We have to each night get on our knees and pray over our children and our decisions we have to make and in the evening we have to continue to talk to each other, tell each other how our day was and tell each other thank you and how much we love each other so that we will continue to feel appreciated by each other. Thank you and I love you goes a long way. Our marriages are hurting and we have to get some help, you can’t do it by yourself.
(USA) I have never made a comment on a website before. It has taken me several hours to find this website again. I am thankful that I have found it because my laptop shut down for no apparent reason during my reading of this article. I am amazed that there are so many women with emotionally distant husbands.
(USA) I need some advice on whether to marry or not marry my fiance. He seems to shut down and give me the silent treatment and he prefers to talk about himself, if there is going to be any type conversation at all. I am an emotional person and I want to talk and communicate with him. He is excited about his work, his church, but he seems to lack excitement about our future marriage.
(USA) Sadly, read the rest of the posts on this site. If you are starting out this way …maybe there is cause for you to pause. Perhaps some counselling before you enter into this may reveal somethings to HIM regarding what is going on in this.
IN the marriage covenant, the husband is commanded to love his WIFE as Christ loved the CHURCH and GAVE HIMSELF for her; Christ did not withhold from his bride.
Adam was commanded to leave ALL other human relationships in terms of priority. He was to focus upon his relationship with his bride and open up [get naked in every sense] and CLEAVE to her.
Without transparency it is very difficult to cleave and become ONE …Oneness is what marriage is all about. It examples the reconcilation of man to God. It is the same way we are to cleave to GOD …by making HIM our first priority and then being OPEN with Him and with ourselves.
If a man is continuing to hide there are reasons and it is not always known to him …it is not the wife so much as something going on in him. Our society encourages individualism to the extreme in it’s ‘definition’ of manhood and just adulthood. Independence from unhealthy things is what GOD is all about …including attitudes.
This solo kind of act when present in marriage is very destructive. It is difficult to get through to someone who is hardened in this way of dealing …distancing among the spouses is deadly to the relationship.
Try to see if you can find someone who he respects to talk with him about this if you can. He may reject that idea …personally had I realized the way my own husband would act once married, I am pretty sure I would have at least delayed the wedding until it was addressed. His idea of marriage really did effect his behavior. The premarriage talk among men is often very destructive …making jokes about the way a wife will try to change a man, or dominate.
This leaves many impressions on top of the ones from media that portray married women as dull, boring, confining, and portrays single women as exciting, glamourous and attractive. The “confines’ in marriage are not the other person ..there are responsibilities and a certain necessity to prior planning for fun that is not a problem amid single people.
Immaturity and selfishness is deadly in marriage. Facing responsibilities and a willingness to learn about the various seasons and responsiblities and counting the ‘cost’ for each challenge is something that may help a potential mate to examine themselves.
We did this but it was after marriage and his departure from choosing godly friends that caused him to be lured by the fantasy of adultery being doable and fun and harmless as he began to shun the ‘confines’ of responsibilities of marriage and especially fatherhood. His rejection of God’s Word and his increasing friendships with those are work led him away as he did not want to plan to make a date night for our lives to continue in a couplehood.
There is not excuse for this …but REASONS and roots for it as the WOrd points out to us. Once this knowledge is known it is easier to address the root causes. Love is not a Hollywood movie… it is the decisive act of the will when things begin to bring a need for GROWTH and CHANGE in the marriage as it is meant to.
Hope you find a solution before the wedding …30+ years with a closed off distant man is VERY LONELY …even if it looks good from the outside.
(KENYA) My Husband is still having an affair… I suspect he is trying to get out and doesn’t know how to. He has been extremely distant but now is able to talk a little. The problem is he may have resolved to stay in the evil state. After five months I am now angry and wonder about a man who is submitted to Christ to act with such rude, childish behaviour and complete disrespect for a woman he promised to love, cherish and respect. I saw the comment of what divorce does to children, but what does a distant couple offer? And for the children, what do they realize when their adoring father has a promiscuous nature and yet brings prayer to the table?
(USA) I am so thankful to have found this site!! My prayers go out to every woman on here. I deeply feel the pain of a distant husband, too. May God bless you and your journeys.
(USA) I thank God that I found this article. My wife and I have been going through this exact thing for the better part of two years. She would always tell me that there was something wrong and I would often times try to fix this or try to change that, but I couldn’t change because I didn’t really realize what was wrong. It hurt me deeply to see the way I was hurting my wife, but after reading this I am really starting to learn a lot about myself and for the first time in a long time I have hope.
(USA) I have been married for two years and my husband and I are going through a really hard time. He just told me the other day that he thinks we should take a break because he needs me to be more intimate with him. We had this problem before we got married and things changed for awhile. I know my issue is control and I have issues with giving him the control. After we talked for an hour and I was balling, I begged him to stay and let us work it out.
It has been almost two weeks and things are getting a little better, but he still won’t tell me the words I need to hear; that everything is going to be okay, that he loves me. I have learned through this experience that I need to focus on my relationship with the Lord and focus on him. I know I have to give my husband the control and let him be the man. I want the Lord to break me and make me new. Make me the woman of God and wife I was designed to be. I have been on my knees praying and seeking help. I am longing for my relationship with the Lord and my husband to be restored. Please to you all, pray for me and the faith I need to get through this. I love my husband more than anything and would do anything to make this work.
(UNITED STATES) Hi my name is Marlee. I have a big problem in my marriage. My husband’s father died about five months ago. Since his passing, my husband has been staying at his father’s house. We were renting and after his dad passed away he went to live at his house. I am staying with my parents at this time.
I understand he needs to grieve but its been a long while and he forgot about his responsibilities and his obligations to his marraige. He does not want to rent anymore or buy a home. I feel like our marriage is dead; things are not the same anymore and he is not here for me emotionally, physically, financially, and so forth. Our relationship is not the same anymore. He does not want to move on and expects me to understand and wait for him for as long as it takes. I feel abandoned and tired of waiting for him. I don’t feel married anymore and that I am not his priortiy at all. What should I do?
(USA) Dear Mary (or Marlee, I’m not sure which one), Your husband’s father died 5 months ago. I know to many people, that may seem like a long time, but when a person is dealing with deep grief, it’s not long at all. And just because your husband doesn’t appear to be grieving on the outside, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t dealing with it in a deeper way inside.) I’m not justifying his staying away from you for that time, but there has to be more here than you are seeing at this time. Something else is happening within your relationship. If you were happily married before his father died and he felt your support –that you are there for him when times are good and when times are bad “for better or worse,” I wonder if the two of you would still be apart. I’m not sure. Think and pray about it.
Mary, when someone is grieving the death of a loved one, sometimes they say and do things that don’t make sense. That’s when they especially need love and grace to be given to them. I can’t tell you what to do, but maybe if you stopped looking at your needs being met at this time, and found ways to bless your husband, he might want to join you again in partnership and participate more in building a life together eventually.
Since my mom died a number of years ago, and my younger brother, and my dad is very ill and soon to pass away (plus another brother who is doing poorly), my husband has been very supportive in allowing me the space to grieve and the knowledge that he is there for me in whatever way I need it. Its meant more to me than I can express. I’ve done the same for him after he lost his mom and his dad. There is nothing that either of us will go through that the other won’t show extra grace and support for and through. That’s what we promised each other in our wedding vows, and that’s what we will do because we vowed to be promise-keepers. And even if my husband doesn’t do his part, I will do mine because of the vow I made to not only my husband but to my God, in the witness of others. We stood in church and made our vows publicly. I’m not sure where you made yours and what you promised your husband.
Please consider what you promised your husband on your wedding day. Did you mean those words? Or were they just nice words to say at the time, but now that the “worse” of the “for better or worse” promise comes, it’s time to go because you “don’t feel married anymore?” Staying true to your commitment is not just about feelings. Feelings come and go. If your marriage feels “dead” then ask the Lord for a resurrection miracle. He specializes in that! He resurrected our marriage from the dead at one point (and at many other smaller points) when we didn’t realize it was possible. But it was, and it is. It’s amazing what God can do with one willing heart turned toward Him.
Pray and ask what you can do to show your husband that you are serious about your marriage. How can you bless him in his time of trying to sort things out after his father died? I don’t know the dynamics of what went on in their lives together, but if your husband asked you to “understand” and “wait” then maybe this is the time to do so and ask God what you are to do in this “waiting room” time. How can you bless your husband so that his loss isn’t expanded by losing his marriage, as well? Ask God to help you to be a dispenser of grace, rather than a vessel of criticism and impatience.
Please don’t get caught up in the disposable marriage syndrome that is rampant in today’s world. Do your part to be a blessing and you may be surprised how it often turns around and comes back to you someday when you most need it. I pray for you, that God will strengthen you to do what you can, as you can, to be a hero in your marriage and stay the course… May He bless you abundantly as you do!!!
(UGANDA) I think I am in this kind of relationship and I had persevered but now my children are grown up and I find this is the only person I have and cannot talk to him at length. I am starting to dread retirement.
(KENYA) I am so blessed to have this, with me, as a Pastor’s wife. Thank God for your Ministry to marriages that are being saved.
(CANADA) I have been reading this site and found it encouraging and yet discouraging as well.
I will be married for 20 years this fall and we married young. We tried having kids and were told we would never have kids. At that time our life started to slip but I never noticed until it was too late. I wanted a close marriage and I think we became more of best friends than husband and wife which makes me sad. I thought we could be both but apparently I think it is either or. He was stuck on the computer for all hours and I began to watch non-stop tv apart from each other. I wish for days where there was no tv or computers in this house.
Our sex life started slipping and we both longed for better days but never said anything to each other. He held out the love (holding hands, going for walks, sitting beside each other) and I held back in the bedroom. 2 years ago he said he didn’t love me and sex stopped. I went into depression and he turned to a chruch secretly in which another woman from work. I didn’t like it and he basically said tough. I’m not a church going person. I believe in God but I don’t believe in organized religion. I haven’t found honest /nice people at church and I wonder about the reborn aspect of it all. For a whole yr it got worse; he was so mean and I fell into a depression. Finally I couldn’t take his threating of moving out and I told him he had to leave that week -so he did. He was gone for a couple of months and the day before our 19th anniversary he moved home but he didn’t get any better. He didn’t look at me with such hatred but still he won’t talk to me and won’t let me into his religion world. He says if I come to his church we are done.
He has threated to leave, sell everything etc… everytime I try to talk to him. I’m at the point where I’m not scared any longer. I have said go ahead. He gets nice again when realizes that I have gotten a lot stronger and can live without him. I have backing from both sides of the family. His family can’t believe that this is their son/brother/uncle. He litterly did a 180 one day and became a very unfriendly person.
Throughout all of this I prayed daily (sometimes all day) and yet nothing yet. I thought God would have helped by now. I know he has a plan for us and this is part of it but 2 years of no love /communication from my husband. I want a hug, a kiss, human touch.
The only thing I could do was move with my own life, hanging out with friends, family and joining different groups. I attend all family functions (both sides) on my own (including holidays) and when I come back I have a sulky husband who has all this resentment to life and to me.
I will admit I don’t communicate well and I keep our problems to myself/him. Like the panic needy wife I have read many self help books for myself/for us it became an obsession. One book said “don’t stop living your life”. Either you will be a strong person when he comes back to you or you will be strong person if you need to leave”.
He feels he never was liked /loved from my family and he was tired of trying to make my father like him. The 2 of them are 1 in the same (work aholic, moody, loves the man-toys etc…) My father loves him like a son but he is hard on us kids. He expects us to be strong and work for what we want in life.
This has been 2 years of hell for us. 2 questions: How much longer? When will God’s plan for us happen?
I want my husband back; I love him very much (don’t like him much right now). I would never cheat on him but I wonder what it would be like to have a fun loving, caring and very sexual marriage.
(USA) My husband and I are soon to “celebrate” our 25th anniversary. I have been in counselling for close to 2 years due to an abusive childhood. We began marriage counseling 7 months ago with the same counselor. My husband does not think he has a problem at all. In his eyes, I am the problem. I’m all wrong.
Realizing he sees me like this has resulted in me feeling unloved and insecure. I’m thankful for a good Christian counselor who is helping me know how to respond to my husband AND at the same time continue on with my healing.
(CANADA) Why do these husbands believe it isn’t them and why do they focus all their hate and negativity towards the wife? Why does the husband say all he needs is space and time… REALLY!!??? I don’t think they are committed to the marriage if they need years of space and they are just kicking around till something better comes along.
Maybe I’m not being very Christian about this anymore. I often wonder am I being played as the fool??? Someone to pay half the bills? I could leave, I’m lucky I have family that would financially till I was back on my feet. Why do I stay? I often wonder why do I love him and get nothing back in return.
(USA) Jenna, I congratulate you that you are working on dealing with your abusive childhood, and are trying to put those memories behind you, in a healthy way, so they no longer cause problems in your future. It’s a difficult and painful thing to lay those types of memories out and then properly lay them to rest. I’m proud of you that you have come to the place of realizing that you don’t have to allow yourself to continue to be a victim all your life, for the horrible ways you were treated as a child. It’s a brave thing you are doing –life-saving and necessary, but brave –especially when everything within you, I’m sure, wants to stop the process. Please don’t ever lose sight of the goal, of NOT living as a victim of your past the rest of your life, no matter how difficult things get, at this time.
Sadly, not all people understand how difficult a mission this is, unless they’ve done this themselves. From the little you wrote, it appears your husband is one of these people who just doesn’t get it. I don’t know why this is… there could be a million and one reasons (and some of them have the potential to be as confusing and difficult for him as your journey is for you –they’re different, but still deliver a painful bite). He’s probably dealing with issues of his own that he’s not able to work through (or see) yet, so throwing around the blame, is his way of coping or rearranging things in his mind, so he can feel better about all that is going on (even though he’s putting up a false front). I’m not sure, because I don’t know him, or all the issues in your relationship. But this is my limited perception, as I see it. Sadly, this just complicates matters for you. So sorry.
However, whatever the reasons are that your husband’s not as emotionally connecting with you, even though you need hi support the most, right now your main goal needs to be to get as healthy as possible emotionally. You can’t carry his issues right now and you can’t properly deal with other issues, until the nightmares of your past are properly shelved. Just put that goal fore-front in your mind and trust the Lord that as He helps you run this race, He will work with your husband in His way –that burden is for God to work on.
I encourage you to concentrate on what you need to, to get as healthy emotionally as you can, and try as much as you can to NOT get caught up in the “blame game.” Don’t even go there. Throw it out as junk mail of the mind and your life as persistently as it is thrown at you.
I encourage you to let go of your husband’s “stuff” and concentrate on your own, working toward the day when you will be able to eventually start dealing with your relationship issues from a better vantage point. Give grace as you can, let go of what you can, don’t sweat the small stuff, and receive grace from God and others who will give it in good, healing ways (with the hope that someday your husband will be a dispenser of grace, as well –but don’t dwell on it, or it will make matters worse).
As best you can, look for ways to bring laughter into your life (hopefully, with your husband, at times, so you can start stockpiling good feelings between you). But never lose sight of the goal you have, of leaving your past behind you in a way that it won’t come back to haunt you in the future. (See: Philippians 3:12-14 and Hebrews 12:1-3.) May God bless you on this mission! “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4a)
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for 21 yrs. I am a Christian and have been reading my Bible and praying everyday and have gotten much strength from that. This has been an ongoing cycle. I am trying to understand it all. We have 4 kids and they are all finally in school, so as a SAHM, I have some time to take for myself and exercise, do a Bible study, etc and take time for myself, that I have not gotten to generally do over the last 17 yrs. This has allowed me time to think about it and not just tip toe around eggshells.
He is better these last 2 yrs. with not yelling at me so much. He seems to be more concerned with how other people view him than how he treats me and sometimes the kids. If a problem arises, like a bounced check or one of the kids is late for an event that keeps everyone waiting, he refuses to deal with the situation and be the leader, but sends me to figure it out.
His mom is pushy, but he has never protected me from her. He just says our relationship is between the two of us. He tends to blame others instead of taking responsibility for things and has only said he’s sorry, maybe 3 times since we’ve been married. I love him and he says he loves me. But if an issue comes up he will say it’s because of me. It never seems to be because of him. He is rude and verbally has an attitude and hurts my feelings so deeply that it takes me a week to get over it with prayer and leaning on God.
I want to able able to not be hurt so much so I can function, so I do not ask him for help unless it’s repairs I cannot do around the house or most of all his advice. He is vengeful, but responds if I kiss him and say good morning.
(U.S.A) My husband is so distant that there isn’t any coming back! Married 40 plus years and 30 years without intimacy or sex. The old saying holds true if you don’t use it you loose it. We’ve lost it for ever !!! My husband decided years ago he wasn’t interested in sex or me.
I’ve tryed talking to him and even his doctor has tried to see what the problem is. He just says he hasn’t a problem with any one or any thing. He finally got fed up with all the questions and moved to the lower level of our house. He built a small apartment, and put a lock on the door that now separates us. We communicate by passing messages thru a mail type slot in the door.
You might think hes gay or seeing someone else but that is not true at all. He goes nowhere except once a week for groceries or doctors appointment. He has no computer nor a phone; I get all his calls like doctors stuff, he just doesn’t care about anything or any one. I could be gone for weeks and he wouldn’t know I was gone, nor would he care.
(USA) I thank God so much for this forum!! I am sitting here reading these stories with tears running down my face because this is my story told over and over. I am a Christian and love the Lord so much but find it so hard living with this absent man and fighting to keep my faith. This entire weekend he has been in the sunroom watching tv (which I hate) and hasn’t hardly spoken two words to me. We haven’t had sex or kissed since 2009 or longer.
I will say that a lot of our problem is his mom who is one of the coldest women I have ever known in my life. His dad died a year ago (who she mistreated so badly in the end that it made me cry) and now my husband has kind of taken his place. He still spends the night with her two nights a week (which I resent) and he works on her large house and yard every weekend.
Last weekend he had a friend visit and we went to a gathering of his college buddies and he really acted nice for about 3 days. Then it’s back to his mom’s and his behavior has reverted back. He doesn’t go to church anymore unless I invite him or his mom wants to go to my church (which I realize is a good thing).
I could go on but the main thing I want to say is thank you for this site – you may never know how much it helps wounded women to grasp the love and strength that God has for us. Please pray for me and my husband as I hold on to God’s hand and try to show His love through so much pain.
I really need someone to talk to who has a Christian perspective. Friends and family who are not Christians do not and cannot understand why we stay and try to keep the marriage together because of our love for Jesus. I know you women do and it’s so refreshing to share with you even though it’s through pain. I know the Lord led me here – thank you, thank you, thank you; and God bless you all!