Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(UGANDA) For now, I do not yet know the details of this, what the implications may be but the text has blessed my soul and I long for a healing in my marriage which for now is in pieces. Thank you for reaching out to me. Grace
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am certain that God led me to this site. I have been trying to get through to my husband for a while and am at a point where I feel like the best option is to move out and let him live his life the way he sees fit.
I have sent him the article above and am certain that it will change the way he sees things. I get so frustrated when I try to talk to him and get nothing, zilch, nada from him. It’s like talking to a brick wall and then he acts like nothing’s happened and I’m still fuming from not getting the answers I need to figure out what is going on.
Thanks so much for this article. I’m sure it will help.
(CANADA) My heart aches from the pain of my marital problems! I don’t know how to move forward as I feel paralyzed. I feel so sad that we, as a couple, have become so disconnected and I find it almost unbelievable that we will ever find our way back to each other and the values we held so dear to our hearts when we started out lives together over 27 years ago. I feel so misunderstood by my husband and believe he is no longer devoted to me and at this point I am beginning to doubt he ever truly allowed me into his world on an emotional level. I have always felt his resentment towards me and his harsh criticisms of me, which I believe is a form of emotional abuse that has truly damaged my spirit, not to mention my overall health.
I do withdraw from him after feeling the sting of his words only to try and protect my heart. I believed in being patient and loving but as time has gone by I have become angry, hurt, and abandoned, questioning why I should stay where someone is hurting me. He claims I provoke him and sufficate him and perhaps I do. I just want so desparately to have him show me the kind, caring man he displays to others, which tends to hurt me even more. Why should I deserve less?
Some people feel I should just end this but my heart just doesn’t want to let go after having worked so hard to have a good healthy marriage, only to have it crumble before my eyes. I am so very dissappointed and have no other real family support to draw from and feel so lonely in this situation.
(USA) Hi Donna, I really recommend that you go into our “Marriage Counseling” section and then go into the “Links and Resource Description” part of that section. Scroll down the “Focus on the Family Counselor Referrals” link and go into the “Canada” link in particular. After you click into that link you will find in the upper right corner of their home page a “Contact” link to click into. I really encourage you to contact them.
Your situation appears to be so complex with control and emotional abuse issues that I believe you need help from a good counselor that is marriage friendly, to help you unpack and unravel this. From what I know of Focus on the Family in Canada, I believe they can direct you to a counselor that can help you in the way you need it. I don’t often recommend this to those that write in, but as I read your comment, that is what immediately came to mind as I prayed for you. This goes beyond doing what “some people” think you should do, but going with wise counsel that will help you work through these issues from a godly angle and perspective. Donna, I pray that God abundantly blesses you and gives you hope and help within your situation! “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
(USA) Hi Donna, I see where you wrote this years ago. I was trying to find something to read in order to help or just ease my pain. I have been going through the same things that you did, back then. I know God will puts no more on you than you can bear, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I love and want my husband everyday. I would enjoy a relationship with him. What I need is to know that things worked out for you, and there is hope for me. If someone else reads this and thinks there is hope, please enlighten me. I believe in God, I go to church but I have no one to talk to other than God. Maybe He will send me that help through you.
(USA) I encourage you to visit marriagebuilders.com for a plan to save your marriage.
(USA) When I started reading your post I thought I must have written this a while back but then saw you have been married 27 years and knew it wasn’t me. I’ve been married around 40 years now. Trust me when I say married 27 years I felt like abandoned, unloved, even felt as he hated me but trust me when I say these last 6 years have been far worse than all the other years combined. I have come to realize that when this unloved feeling occurs then it never gets better.
My husband is out almost nightly at least 5 out of 7 nights a week. He leaves just before I get in from work to avoid any contact with me. Weekends he just ups and leave no explanation, nothing and stays out till late. I know he hates me but I don’t understand why? He won’t talk to me when he is around. He doesn’t allow me to socialize with him and he won’t go anywhere with me. It has been years since anyone has seen us together. I’m often asked if we are still together. I feel stupid to say yes because I live in a small town and people see him all the time and never see me. He doesn’t even sleep in the same bed with me.
I suspect he is cheating on me since he is never at home day or night. He comes home about 11:30 most nights. He doesn’t work and hasn’t for years but yet he doesn’t help with housework at all. Everything is my responsibility. I wish he would be a man and help me out. I feel like his mother, housekeeper, slave, provider and feel I get nothing in return. Why do I stay? I wish I knew that answer. I guess I don’t want to give up on a marriage because I always thought it was for a lifetime but I think in his eyes he isn’t married and I am his mom and housekeeper.
(USA) I wept as I read Donna’s cry for help. It is almost a carbon copy of my life with my husband. I do not chase him anymore and he has refused to go to any counselor after just a few visits. I know the hurt of the harsh words. They cut the soul. I have adult children, 2 still at home, who see him as their dad but never see a good husband. How sad it is when I think about this. I have prayed daily for 16 years. I go my way and live my life for God but always ask my husband. He, I find, very selfish and he says I am selfish to expect of him. That is the sadness.. We should expect of each other.
He does everything separate from me and I think he is very jealous. He will go on tirades of how everyone likes me and how I think I am God. These are words I never utter or would say. My friends see me alone and strong. They admire my faithfulness. We have not shared a bed as he would scream at me if I woke him up due to feeling sick or to talk out something. He fills “his world” with WORK and his boat and whatever else he can do with his brothers to ignore me.
I have planned a getaway, etc. and he will not go. Then, if I plan a surprise he complains how horrible it is. He is miserable most of the time and negative. My husband will not combine my money due to he says I spend too much. I spend to fix our home since he will not do anything. He sleeps on the living room couch in squalor. I just try to focus on my job as teacher, and encourage my kids. I have good ones but they are seeing this.
You would not believe how many woman are seeing this kind of relationship. Often in a support group I belong to… we pray and we wonder where our God is. We want our marriages back. However, our men do not want to work at it. How sad.
I will pray for Donna all week and lift her up. I pray daily for my husband. I love him but not his actions. I pray she will seek help for herself as I have. God bless you all.
(USA) Oh Donna… I can feel your pain. My situation sounds so similar to yours. Just wondering what you ended up doing and how things are now seeing it’s months later. I wish there was a support group for me. Living like this is not good.
(USA) Oh my, you sound just like me…in every aspect! I had just posted a reply to the same person. You will see my comment to her and know my life is a duplicate of your life. My husband’s friends of both sexes thinks he is “Mr. Wonderful” but he is nothing like that to me or our two adult children.
He will do things for others like work on their vehicle numerous times without compensation but our daughters have to pay to get their cars worked on and neither can really afford it. If I even ask my husband where he has been I get chewed out…it’s none of my business. He doesn’t work and hasn’t for years but yet does nothing at the house. I am so far behind on housework I will never see daylight but he doesn’t care and he won’t help. I have asked for it and even begged for his help. He thinks that it’s the “wife’s job” even tho I’m the one making a living and he just keeps the roads hot day and night, I suspect out chasing women.
In our small town there are lots of young women on drugs really bad and very willing to sleep with married men or any man to get money for drugs or get their drugs. I worry that he is sleeping with these young women and what disease I have been exposed to? Why is he married if he definitely enjoys the single life? I even sometimes fear for my life because of his cruelty and bizarre behavior at times. I just don’t know which way to turn.
(USA) I have been in a marriage for almost 15 years and in the beginning it was so hard to believe that it was real. It was absolute bliss; we NEVER fought about anything. We are sure making up for it now. Over the course of time I have begged my husband to PLEASE be my friend and listen to my heart but to no avail. No matter how I approach him, no matter what tone I use, no matter how much preparation I have done, I am viewed by him as either griping, or Here we go again or that I am pointing out his faults and letting him know that he is a no good for nothing.
He couldn’t be further from the truth. Just yesterday I sat down with him and reassured him that I wanted our marriage, I wanted our family to remain intact, and that there was no need to feel insecure or inadequete. But again all he heard was that I was pointing out all his faults!!!
I have really lost the energy to carry on with this any more. I grow weary trying to achieve what we used to share. To him, the way to make everything better is to make “love” but it is becoming more and more difficult for me. ….How can I make “love” to him when my heart feels so broken and hurt? We find ourselves in a catch 22 … he can’t heal unless I am physical with him and I can’t heal unless he reaches out emotionally… Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get around this situation besides DIVORCE!!?
(USA) June, OK, I’m a guy and I can tell you, if you said to me, “Listen to my heart.” I’d probably put my ear to your chest. Seriously!
When you asked him to be your friend, did you have a six pack and suggest you head to the garage and work on a project? I mean his idea of friend is probably very different from yours. It probably doesn’t involve discussions of feelings or group trips to the ladies room. That may mean something to you, but for most guys you may as well be speaking the language of Venus.
So why not listen to HIS heart? He’s telling you that something in your approach leads him to feel this way.
So how does he suggest you bring up these sorts of things? How does he want you to make suggestions, or to state your preferences? Have you asked him? If not, why not ask him how he wants to hear it?
I don’t think you realize how criticism, even if it’s well meaning, can be painful to hear, especially for a guy.
Do you ever tell him what he’s doing right? I see you writing complaints. But what positives have you mentioned? I don’t see any in your post here.
So food for thought from a guy. If you want to be heard, you may need to speak guy, not gal.
PS, Don’t discount what he says will make things better. He’ll likely be more able to hear you after you make love than any other time. So if you avoid that, you likely are not doing yourself any favors with respect to being heard and understood.
(USA) Tony… I think it would have been alot better for June if you had kept your opinions to yourself. You sure do sound “JUST LIKE A man”…. Her husband sounds like a spoiled child. It just seems as men get older they become more like selfish little children instead of mature men. Maybe if she left him for a week or two… he would appreciate her more. Remember the old saying… absent makes the heart grow fonder. He can wonder what’s going on with her instead of the other way around… and she should stop focusing on him so much… and get herself A LIFE and enjoy it with or without him… that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!! So… please …Tony… give up on giving advice to women… thank you…
(USA) Why should I not give advice to women? First off, I’m a guy, so I know how guys generally think. So that makes me somewhat of an expert in how to speak to him.
Never once did I say her husband was right. What I said was if she wants to speak in a fashion that he can hear, then try these things. It’s her decision to take the advice or leave it. If she wants a close, emotional connection with her husband, it may mean connecting with him on HIS level, not just hers.
Frankly, I believe I gave sound advice. According to what she said, it didn’t matter how she spoke with him, he took it as criticism. OK, so stop talking and start acting.
Words are cheap, from both of them. So if she wants a close connection; if she wants to be with him, then just do it. Just be with him. Don’t put all sorts of conditions on it like it has to be right out of a Lifetime Network movie.
Save the emotional flowery words for the girlfriends. Guys are about action, and doing things. So the best way for her to send that message, the message that she wants to be with her husband is to just do it and be with him. If he likes football, take him to a game. Go to the RV show with him, or take him to the place that sells classic cars and look at the cars.
Am I saying ONLY do those things? No. But if all he’s heard is we never do romantic things anymore, or you never take me anywhere, then he’s logically going to feel like she’s being critical.
Even saying we are not connected is a criticism. So instead of complaining, why can’t she just take action and connect if that’s what she wants?
(USA) PS, if he says the best way to get close to him is to make love, it is dangerous to discount that and write it off as just being a guy.
It may be guy talk, but that makes it no less valuable, no less deep, nor does it discount the importance of that truth.
Unless anyone likes their views discounted, why discount what he has to say.
(USA) Thanks.
(USA) Tony. I believe you are dead on. More often than not, we women expect our husbands to fall in line & meet our needs. We completely miss the fact that we are not even considering, much less meeting our husbands needs. A joyful, thoughtful wife has to give up many of her needs and wants from time to time, but she will also find she has a much more responsive husband. I suggest reading the book “Created To Be His Helpmeet.” it is completely counter-culture and when we wives can get over ourselves long enough to truly try and meet our spouses needs we reap benefits above and beyond our emotional well being. I don’t intended to write this in animosity. I am just a 29 year old military wife of 10 years who has a an extremely difficult marriage. I always pointed my fingers at my husband, expecting him to fix the problems & see how deeply he hurt me. Now I am loving him in spite of hurtful words, walking on eggshells and emotional callousness. I learning to be joyful and self-sacrificing of my “needs” and you know what, he’s slowly coming around. It pays off to put yourself in his shoes and see what his very different needs are. Give him respect. There are still a lot of really bad painful days, but that’s when I get to rest in God’s loving arms. There are also a lot more happy days in our home now & I even notice that we are looking into eachother’s eyes and truly smiling from time to time. Thank the good Lord he is helping me remove my plank instead of focusing on my husbands speck…
(USA) Thanks, I needed to hear that. Reading that just gave me some hope. And reminded me about my plank verses my husbands speck.
(USA) Tony, I want to thank you for your comment back to June’s post. I am going through the same thing with my husband. And to be honest, I can understand why he gets angry/frustrated with me sometimes as I am bi-polar. Even with medication, there are still mood swings that come with it. I too have said things like “I need you to be there for me, to be my friend.” My husband has said some of the things that June’s husband has said, like, “Here we go again,” when I try to talk to him about feelings of whatever. And I have to admit I guess I have nagged him. I have felt like things wouldn’t get done if I didn’t. I have made sure to “stroke his ego” when he has done something good, but I probably nag more than I’ve done the ego stroking.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you. I was reading through the comments, and they were all from women, and of course, the comments were from the women’s perspectives. I needed to see it from a guys perspective! So when I tell him I need a friend, he probably doesn’t see it the same way I do. And he has said before that he felt like I was “belittling” him, even though I told him I wasn’t. So now I see it from his point of view. And, I’d rather get along than be right. I’ll try what you said and ask him how he wants me to bring up/talk about those kind of things so that he doesn’t feel “belittled.” So thanks for a guys perspective.
(UNITED STATES) Well, I can say that I am glad I am not by myself being married and disappointed all at the same time. My heart goes out to each and everyone. It’s so hard to let go of something that you have spent your entire life forming. My husband I I have been together for 32 years since I was 14 and he was 16 and we have now been married for 9 years. My heart aches because of the miscommunication we have. I see us spreading further apart and at this very moment there is no communication at all. It’s as if we are roommates in our home. I could continue on and pour my breaking heart to all but it would take me a few days to write everything. At this point I am glad I came across this site. I will continue to pray to God for peace and rest within my marriage and also follow some of the advice found on this site.
(NORTH AMERICA) I can’t help but be emotionally distant; it protects my heart. I feel criticized left right and center and what makes it worse is he criticizes me in things that he does exactly the same. I feel cheated of the many years I have been married. If I try to point out that he does the exact same things he becomes unresponsive and says I have turned the conversation against him and doesn’t want to listen. How can we heal if he will not accept that he too is at fault in the same areas?
(USA) I’m beginning to become very discouraged. My marriage problems have just begun to surface. We have been married just over 3 years and to hear that the same issues I experience now have been going on for decades in other marriages is disheartening. If I don’t get a handle on things now, will I be doomed to an unfulfilling marriage? I’m not at all interested. I know the Bible says that a woman is not to depart from her husband (Proverbs 19), but I’m sure the Lord is not pleased with the mistreatment of his children.
Tony, I appreciate your advice from a man’s perspective. After reading your post, I realize that I have a lot of work to do in order to reach my man where he is.
(USA) Wow. What a helpful article!
(USA) This is great. I am in such a desperate situation to communicate with my spouse. I would love a mans perspective. We have two young boys and we are separated and I have been scrambling trying to figure out a way on how to reach him without him feeling defensive and like I am attacking him. I do love him so much and I know he loves me but we both have no idea what to do. We have both worn ourselves out trying to reach out to each other and each time one or the other tries to reach out the other is acting like a brick wall. We are so frustrated, hurt and disappointed. But Tony, thank you for suggesting that I actually ask him how he would like me to bring the discussions up. I honestly never thought of that.
(USA) To all the ladies out there… Ever had someone degrade everything you do? Ever feel like no matter what you do is never enough? I have been married to my wife (who I truly love) for 8 years and have a 5 year old son who means the world to me. If it were not for him I would have given up long ago… hindsight is always 20/20.
My wife to me is emotionaly abusive. I am an emotional person. Just like you ladies, I feel threatend at the notion I will not be able to wake up where my son is sleeping and that scares me to death to think a part time dad will take my place… The guy who said speak to your husband as if you are his drinking buddy or whatever go to the garage and work on the car type says a lot… It isn’t all about you and your Cinderella story. If you get on his level instead of resenting the last 20 years you have wasted he would be back…trust me.
All we want is to feel important and appreciated just like you… But when you want to rehash things from months ago, maybe years ago, it tells me all you want to do is get my attention… in a bad way… and yes, you need to make love and be emotionally connected or you are just wasting your time. Have sex 3 times a week for a month and I bet you will both be happier.
(USA) As a man, I know it sounds kinda bad to women, but if you took Andrew’s advice, followed your roles, and did not talk very much for a month, your connections would be restored. This is going to be much more efficient than trying to talk these issues out and rationalize them. Sometimes you just can’t talk about it.
(CANADA) I am finding this to be very true, we have had this cycle for years. I did not know he was hurting so badly and when he tried to tell me I didn’t understand or listen well; I would have really tried to understand but it seemed so unclear to me. Now after several years of marriage I am scared to death he is going to leave me. He has moved out of the bedroom.
I’ve tried everything, begging, not begging, ignoring, not ignoring, rationalizing, doing everything I can to be helpful to him…found out it was not helpful, etc. I have gotten my own help and I feel I have made some vast improvements. This has been going on for about 2 years now. I definitely feel that he’s at the last of his last with me.
This article was very helpful and I so wish I’d read it sooner, but maybe this was the time to read it, and maybe your advice is at the right time I needed to read it. I have felt compelled to share my heart again, but I talked to a friend that talked me out of it, now I am going to see if I really don’t talk about much of anything for a month (or longer) if it will be helpful. Do you have any more guy advice? Please share. Thanks!
(USA) I agree with Andrew. I think that women are sorely mislead, these days. When discussion a marriage, a woman will always talk about ‘the wedding that SHE dreamed about’ …this has nothing to do with a man, and yet, here all the problems begin. If a man speaks up about this (and many other misperceptions, carried on for years and perpetrated by society), then he is labled ‘abusive’. What THEY want is all important.
I, too, am married to an abusive and also narcissistic woman. When we began with Christian counseling, however, it all got turned around. No matter how many therapists I have been to, it always does. It seems impossible for any counselor (or woman that I know) to believe that a full-time ‘stay at home dad’ who is out-earned by his wife some 10 times, can be loving caring, or have anything but a ‘jealousy’ issue. If all men are abusive, then I offer, so are all women!
Frankly, my wife does nothing around the house and never sees our child. To me, that’s the ultimate abuse …to the kid! But if a man did the same thing …whew! Double standard. Women can be abusive, but men cannot. The earnings thing only makes the whole issue that much more problematic. Seems like every time we get into an argument over whether or not ‘Johnny should wear his red socks to school, not his blue socks’, it turns into a ‘you’re only questioning me because you are jealous of my success and what I earn’. Huh? Pump your brakes, lady. I just want to get this kid’s shoes on! Feminists have given us quite a gift, eh men? “Having a form of Godliness, but denying the power thereof” …Secular humanism has even crept into the offices of our beloved ‘Christian therapists.’ Why even say you are a Christian Therapist, if you are not really following Christ?
The woman wants to be a ‘friend’ with the man (I am talking about outside marriage, or a woman who is married but has a male ‘friend). There is no such thing. I know that women have their bbf male friends (or want to), but this is simply wrong. Given enough alcohol or the wrong circumstances (and the wrong circumstances ALWAYS have a way of presenting themselves, expecially with some 75% of women filing for divorce in the USA), a woman will cheat. As I told my wife, I don’t want a ‘friend’, I want a lover and a wife. She is neither, and has never been interested in either.
So, many of us men wind up with women who are simply wanting to ‘have their cake and eat it’, and if we thwart any attempt on their part to exercise their ‘freedom’, we are called bullies or abusive. It’s a load of rot. I don’t know any man in the world who, after bedding a woman (and I don’t mean out of wedlock, but let’s include those instances for the sake of argument), can honestly say ‘honey, I really like you but don’t love you. Let’s just be friends’, and the man says ‘oh, yeah! Exactly what I was thinking’! No, what you see is a hoard of men RUNNING in the opposite direction. Once it’s over -it’s over! Period. There is NO friendship in tearing up someone’s heart. But, as a man, you’re expected to bounce right back, smile like a jerk, and say “it’s ok if you cheat on me …we can still be FRIENDS!” Oh yeah, that works just great. I know what Christians are supposed to do …but I don’t see that happening, either.
If you look at what women are doing, it’s confusing. Add to the above stat, that fewer divorces are over ‘adultery’ than ever before, yet more and more women are having ’emotional affairs’. And at a time when some 30% of the workforce in the U.S. is women who out-earn men. So what has really happened? Have ALL men changed? I don’t think so. If it is true, then perhaps you be better off studying the ‘species’ a bit more before marrying one. But to hear society and the 50% of women who are divorced tell it, there are a lot of ‘bad men’ out there -50% of our population, who deserve to be cheated on when their hearts are hammered and they have no recourse but to recoil in fear, terror, horror, unbelief …(pick one), and they just don’t know how to react. Doe in the headlights. No, really …such modern expectations. It seems as if it’s ALWAYS the man’s fault. It’s always that ‘he is disconnected’, ‘he is not caring’, ‘he is abusive’, blah, blah, blah. Hey, if we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, I have news for you, ladies …Christ CHASTISED the Church and the religious leaders to bring them back in line …and YOU will have NONE of that because, should any man raise an objection to your selfish behavior, he is then being abusive? It’s not right.
I will probably wind up divorced, based on how ‘distant’ my wife has become because of my ‘distance!’ LOL! Really? I cook three meals a day, clean every day, shop every day, pay bills every day, drop off and pick up the kid from school every day (because she is too busy or on a ‘stress relieving vacation), take him to doctor’s appointments, school functions and sports or academic events. I cannot afford a vacation because EVERY penny I make goes into the household, yet she can run off to Europe with one of her ‘male bff’s’, leaving me stranded, without a way to pay bills. And if I complain, I am being ‘abusive’. “Don’t corner me” she says. The standard thought is that questioning what really happened on that ‘special’ vacation when they ‘only shared a bed-nothing happened’ is abusive because you are supposed to only ‘show love’ and not corner her …Cod fish! People, this is from a woman who purports to be a Christian! What is happening here? Should I seek an exorcism?
I have never been ‘abusive,’ never violent or raised my hand to anyone. That a woman can claim ‘abuse’ nowadays, is just too easy …and it is impossible to outlive this reputation, once the claim is made. No way to disprove it. Yet it’s exactly where the ‘Christian Therapist’ takes the wife when the journey of family therapy begins. Too easy, isn’t it? Makes the therapy seem worthwhile and the therapist so omnipotent! I shall suffer for Christ …only the suffering will be in my marriage! I’m here for the duration …she’s told me she is not.
I didn’t used to fear women, but I’m beginning to (not really …just very wounded). Gay? Why is that always the first question when the wife has been abusive and the man no longer feels ‘connected?’ Good, ladies, just go ahead and insult him. See how that works for ya. Always HIS problem. No offense guys, that would be easier, but it’s just not my cup of tea, and I’m sorry if I offended any gay people out there …Although, I’d probably have an easier time ‘getting off the hook’ for what my wife perceives is ‘bad behavior’ if I told her I was really gay! LOL! Maybe then, she would even buy me some very needed clothing? Or take me to a dentist to have my 20+ years bad teeth worked on. Or even, for just once, be honest with me. No, I don’t think so. She needs a new Porsche much more! I am on a ‘need to know’ basis only …as are all men, now. Don’t ask and they won’t tell. She has become my ‘boss’, my ‘judge and jury’ and my taskmaster, and refuses to have it any other way.
It’s the woman’s rules, now. Their game, their world. Sadly, though I’m in the US, typical for such thinking, I am now seeing several of my European brothers experience the same …inexplicable …inexcusable …selfish, behavior. Sounds very sexist, does it not? It’s true, however, and I am experiencing it right this very moment!
This world is messed up! Why is the divorce rate, according to Larry Titus, 2% higher in the Church? I hope Jesus comes back soon! I really thought that I was on my way to being a good Christian, but if I have failed in my marriage, after giving all I had to give, then I don’t really know if I have much to offer anyone -not even God. How do I get my self respect back? I don’t believe in divorce. I don’t believe I have the right to re-marry if she does divorce me (which is the current threat because I ‘cornered’ her yet again about her relationship with this ‘co-worker’ after finding several very revealing emails). People! This is becoming the new model of marriage! Please Jesus, help us all! Thanks for your time.
Leroi, You have my sympathies. So sorry. I have to say though, the same thing I remind women when they infer “all men” are a certain way. Yes, you have legitimate gripes, but truly, there are many of us women who DO get it. It’s not good to generalize in saying that “women” are this way, when it’s some women –even a lot of women. It’s true that things have become very lop-sided, as far as how a man is judged harsher and often very unfairly by many, many women and by society in general. The legal system is especially lop-sided in this. People listen if a woman is abused, but if a man is abused, he is either shamed or dismissed. It’s truly not a good or a fair situation, by any means. Again, from this wife’s heart to your situation, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I hope things improve in some way for you and for your marriage –that your wife opens her eyes and sees and embraces Truth.
(CANADA) Wow, Leroi. You clearly are very hurt and I am sorry that your marriage has caused you such pain. I don’t think it is a matter of how bad men or how bad women are. I think it really comes down to how individuals choose to live in the spirit or not. Regardless of gender or culture, we can live a life of love and service to others, or a life serving purely our own interests and needs. I dreamed about the Cinderella story too, but when circumstances did not warrant it, I did not mind. I since had to sacrifice a lot for my husband and his pursuit of his own career, and still did it with love and patience. But I cannot recall a time in my marriage where I felt accepted and appreciated for who I really am. Due to my own insecurities, I was all too willing to accept my husband’s critique and change. From how to make a bed, fold socks, brush my own teeth, to how to spend money, cook a meal and raise our kids. He sees himself as a healthy standard and in where I am only different from him, he will see it as wrong.
It took me years to realize how I completely lost my identity. We’ve been at it for 14 years. We have four kids and I became mentally ill. For that he cannot forgive me and uses it as a stronger ammunition to disregard my opinions. He believes that as the male leader of the house he always has the last say. So in effect, I can only exercise my freedom when he allows me. All that in the name of God. If I step out of line, he takes out the big guns and makes all kinds of threats. I feel your pain, but I think that men and women can equally be abusive.
In response to Tony, I think the advice would be helpful in a marriage where the extend of the problem is just inability to communicate, but when a spouse is controlling, manipulative and abusive, there is just no “good” way to approach him. When he / she is so unable to hear you out, always on their high horse, there is really nothing you can say or any way you can say it that would make a difference. At some point only the Spirit of God can break a heart of stone.
And why should a wife give her body to a man who is not willing to earn it by giving of himself emotionally? We are more than a human trash can, right? More than just a vessel for his physical pleasure. If he claims it is more than that, then he should have no problem to connect emotionally and top it off with sex.
I am still in a lot of pain, but I am better able to take on what is mine and give to my husband what belongs to him. Our story is way more complex and I will fill many pages with details, but that is not important. My journey is to find out how to stay healthy and love myself and still able to love and serve my husband.
I pray you find peace…
(USA) Leroi, one thing I noticed is that you said in your post… Hey, if we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, I have news for you, ladies …Christ CHASTISED the Church and the religious leaders to bring them back in line. You’re talking about the “Cleansing of the temple,” in Jerusalem, Matthew 21:12. “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. ‘It is written,’ he said to them, “’My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it ‘a den of robbers.'” Anyway, my point is, we are NOT to love one another as Jesus loved the church. There are actually a bunch of versus in the Christian Bible that tell us how we are supposed to love one another.
Mark 12:28-30 “And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, ‘Which commandment is the most important of all?’ Jesus answered, ‘The most important is, ’Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength…'”
Mark 12:31 “The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” John 13:34 “A new commandment I give you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another.”
So you see, Jesus doesn’t say, as I have loved the church, love each other. He says, just as I have loved you. I’ll give you another one. Obviously He wanted us to love one another because it’s in the Bible more than once!
John 13:35 “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” And another… John 15:12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” And another! lol ;-) John 15:17 “These things I command you, so that you will love one another.”
I know exactly what verse you were thinking of: Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” But as you can see, Jesus said to love one another as He loved us, so you can’t just cop out and say what you said in your post because if you would keep reading the Bible then you would also know about this verse also in Ephesians, also to husbands: Ephesians 5:33 “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
And here’s another, from the sound of your post, you sound very bitter and I’m sure you can be harsh to your wife, so this verse you may really need to read, I don’t know: Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
I think you and your wife need to look to the Lord more. From your post, it doesn’t sound like you knew any of those Bible verses. I think you need to read the Bible more and pray together.
(U.S.) Leroi, I sympathize with your situation. I’m sorry that you are going through this. And I am in agreement with you on several of your points. Women’s liberation did nothing but propel us into a culture where mothers are expected to take care of the home, children, and work. Thankfully, there are fathers providing care for their children in the home. But the economic situation for most marriages require both the mother and father work, leaving the children to be more influenced by daycare, school systems, media, and other worldly influences.
I am a mother of 2 and work long hours to pay all the bills and try to find time to manage to be a good mother to my children. It’s sad… but women’s lib is two-fold situations like yours and then situations like mine where the woman is left with all of the financial responsibility, spiritual, emotional, and physical. The reason women’s lib was really introduced into our society was for the government’s tax purposes… and women are idiots for supporting the idea.
The woman should be in the home nurturing their children and being submissive to their husbands. Likewise, the husband should honor the wife and lift her up and be financially responsible. He should be a priest in the home, the leader and setting an example to his children of what a husband and father should be… the situations of families are very disheartening. A woman should be able to use the gifts God has given her. I also believe that she should see her role as wife and mother as ministry to her own family first.
(USA) Leroi, I’m sorry for your pain and your frustration. It is now several months later and I hope things did get better for you in your marriage. I am reading all these stories on here and they make me feel not so alone. I wish I had the time to respond to all of them but there are too many. Yours was rather long. I don’t want to say anything to break your heart. But after reading that long passage one of the memorable things is that your wife went on vacation with a male friend and never mind shared a bed with him. She was just totally out of place and totally wrong.
First of all if a woman wants to take a vacation with a female friend she should discuss it with her husband but never mind with a male. The normal woman would never do such a toxic thing. So this makes me see your points about your wife and how you can’t possibly trust her. I just feel for you and hope that your prayers have turned her heart and mind around for you.
(USA) Andrew, your comment about having sex 3 times a week is hilarious. I can’t get my hubby to do it more than 1 every 2 weeks and I feel like I have forced him into it. We used to have sex 3 to 4 times a week. He is never at home, always out playing music, riding his motorcycle. He won’t let me do either with him. He won’t be seen in public with me and if by chance we are together (very rare) he goes out of his way to go places that he normally doesn’t go to just to keep anyone from seeing us together. I’ve had people to ask me if we are still together because they never see us together …that hurts.
I bend over backwards to make life good and don’t say anything about how he treats me and act like it doesn’t bother me hoping he will come around, that hasn’t worked. I’m still attractive, haven’t gained that much weight after 40 years of marriage. I just don’t get him. He doesn’t work, doesn’t account for how he spends his days while I work, doesn’t do any work around the house, or any home repairs either. I think he is cheating on me but don’t have time to check on that. He won’t even look at me even if I say something that needs a direct answer from me, he will answer it and never look my way. If he says something to me first, he still avoids looking at me. I feel like the enemy not his wife/lover.
Teri, Have you ever considered that there may be a medical issue –especially an issue that he is embarrassed or ashamed of? Going off of your comment of being married for 40+ years, most men tend to have some sort of cardio vascular disease if they have not maintained a good level of health. CVD can manifest itself in erectile disfunction… just a different perspective before you start believing the worst case scenario.
(USA) *Sigh* Will be married for 20 years. I have an emotionally distance husband who barely has sex with me. But yet he says he loves me and does touch me non-sexually. Discontentment has become my lot. I try to develop intense closeness to Jesus, but it’s hard especially when I want sex. I don’t know how to “I shall not want” and “be content in whatever state I am”. I know God loves me and his grace and mercies are new every morning. His loves fills me, but far and few between. Last December, I was drunk in the Holy Spirit and it lasted about 2 weeks. It was a wonderful experience. But then I go back to being depressed again.
I fight against depression for the sake of my kids. Otherwise, I hole up in my room and just lay in bed and/or eat. My kids don’t deserve having two parents emotionally distant from them. So I try to fill the void for my kids. My husband does come off the computer once in a while and play a wrestling match with them. But is it enough? My son, who is 12, has anger issues. I pray for him daily that he somehow will be filled with God’s presence. My kids don’t deserve this!
(USA) This is definitely one of the best advice columns I have ever come across. My husband has been trained since childhood to go on guilt trips. His parents cannot refrain from passing comments about me. They keep blackmailing my husband and make him do things by telling him that they will feel bad if he does not. They expect us to share everything that goes on in our life. My husband for no reason, has made up a mental picture of me which annoys me. It annoys because it is what is created by his family and is not what I am. I just cannot stand this and go into a shell very often. I am very discouraged and sad. I go back to my husband because I love him. But now I realise I have lost myself. :(
(US) I have been married for nine years and feel like my husband began disconnecting from me when he joined Facebook a few months ago. He has reconnected with several friends from his teenage years, many of them female. He went to lunch with one particular female friend he had a crush on back then, even though he knew I felt threatened by this. And a few days ago I sent him a very suggestive email to which he hasn’t responded in any way, shape, or form. A good friend of mine just pointed out to me today that having lunch with other women and ignoring emails from his wife is unacceptable. Many of our friends have told him that it was wrong to go to lunch with the other woman and I even pointed out to him that my psychiatrist said the same thing, but he seems to be the only one to think it wasn’t a big deal.
And not once during our nine years of marriage has he ever said “I’m sorry,” not even knowing how hurt I was that he went to lunch with the other woman. I am an educated woman and have been through a divorce, so I see the writing on the wall and have the gut feelings, but I love him and can’t bear the though of the pain of another divorce.
(USA) A lot of these comments are very good but what about the woman who tries to be part of her husband’s life but he refuses to let her. I was one of those wives who always wanted him to do what I was interested in but he never wanted to. Then when he joined a Christian Motorcycle group he told me I couldn’t go on the rides because it was all men. One day one of his buddies asked why I never went on rides since I enjoy motorcycles myself. Then I find out I could have joined the group under my husband since I would be riding with him. Come to find out the other wives are scared to be on motorcycles and that’s the real reason women weren’t on the rides and on top of that they had a women who did join.
So someone give me your viewpoint on why, when I’ve shown interest in something we could do together, he doesn’t want me there? The group ministers to others who are hurting, lonely just needing someone to show they care, which I would love to be a part of. How can he see and feel for all these other people but neglect to see and feel for my hurts?
(US) I completely understand how you feel, Marionex. My husband posted on facebook that he was looking for someone to go to a Colts game with him. When I said I would like to go, his response was, “I knew you’d say that.” After some discussion, I said to him, “So you would rather not go to a game at all than to go with your wife?” His answer? “Yes, that’s right.” He claims that he wouldn’t go with any female, that football is a guy thing. When I told him that hurt my feelings, he just didn’t get it. So one of my best friends and I got ourselves tickets to a game and we’re making it a GIRL thing.
So since you know that women are indeed allowed in the motorcycle group, have you asked your husband directly why he doesn’t want you to join him in the group? Perhaps he looks at it as a guy thing like my husband does. I know that doesn’t make it hurt any less though.
(TANZANIA) Ladies, Tony is correct about whatever he’s said concerning men. I would like to share a few things about my own marriage. I’m married since Valentine’s 2004 but all the time I’ve stayed with my husband has been very rough. Almost with everything concerning marriage we always have been disagreeing even about simple things, quarreling most of the time, silent treatment with each other and all other sorts of bad behaviour towards one another.
My hubby is a drinker who started soon after we got married and is a very short tempered person towards anyone. To my eyes I discovered he was such a difficult person to live with and I stopped respecting him, though we are still together. But deep inside, I had let him live his own life while I was living mine. For things like sex, he had to force me or I would agree just to get rid of his disturbances. I hope this can give you the picture of how discouraging my marriage was.
It’s about two months since a friend sent to me this website when I decided to change first by treating him like a V.I.P with respect, tenderness and I’m still asking God to continue changing me first. After 2 weeks he was asking himself ‘what has happenned to her?’ and was waiting for me to trespass against him. But it has never happened to date. My hubby has automatically started to change to a very kind person, he is even considering stopping alcoholism and yesterday was the 2nd day we prayed together before sleeping and without him drinking alcohol (glory to God!!!!!). I can see the connection between us is growing so high, the ‘spark’ which was lost is also findind its way back and so many other things are changing positively. Even now, he’s already called to say he’ll be back early today and he wants an evening walk together!
Cindy, Tony, and all others, I’m overwhelmed by the joy that Jesus is rewarding to me. I’ll keep praying, changing to a better wife and praying for others who are still suffering. I urge everyone to please BE THE 1ST TO CHANGE. May the blessings of the Lord be upon you all. I bless you in the name of the Lord.
How we rejoice with you in all of the blessings you are now seeing in your marriage relationship! We’re so thankful that you were obedient to God’s tugging on your heart to be the first to make positive steps to improve your relationship. May this encourage others to participate with God in this same way by loving their spouse as God does! Thank you Jenny, for sharing this with us. It’s wonderful to see a glimpse into the work that God is doing through this ministry. May He be praised!