Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(NIGERIA) As I read through the comments, tears welled up in my eyes. The reason being that my marriage of 10 years is going through a tough time emotionally. I am totally disconnected from my hubby, whom I now feel angry towards for driving me into such an emotional trauma.
My marriage has yielded two lovely children. Throughout the period of ten years I have lived with my husband, I seem to be taking up his roles and responsibilities as a husband and as a father to my children. He claims his business has taken a down turn, although his business was doing well before we got married. But I have done all I can in my capacity to cater and take care of all the is expected of him, but I get little or no love in return. Rather he attributes his lack of show of love and care to his inability to show it and to the fact that he is not yet financially capable.
I have invested 40,000 USD into the business in less than 4 yrs and yet he tells me he waits for when God blesses him the way he wants for him to show me some appreciation and love.
All I ask of him everyday is to treat me like I really mean a lot to him, and honestly one does not need millions to show love and care. His rigidity has pushed me so far away that I no longer feel he got married to me because of love but because of what I bring to the upliftment of the union. This makes me sad everyday, and when I hint him of the ways I expect him to show me love, he responds that he simply loves me, but he says it with an egoistic attitude. He never says sorry, and he never gets to do things except I keep away from him, then he will be forced to do those things.
I have been a born again Christian since 1999, and he has been even before me. I yearn for love, care and affection from him but what he is most concerned for is his business, and that caused a zero communcation, any time I make an attempt to tell him what is lacking, he tells me he is doing better than others, and that to me shows me he is not willing to make efforts to get me connected back.
I am currently contemplating divorce, but he is hinging it on the fact that it is because of his financial incapabilties and not meeting with his responsibilities and the possibility of me thinking of leaving him for someone else. But he is not attributing my divorce decision on the fact that he does not understand me and his inability to want to understand me and satisfy my needs which will eventually keep me going in this relationship.
This situation been going on for the past 5 months, I sincerely want to experience love and care, and does not wish to remain in a marriage where I am feeling insecure. Regards.
(USA) “and that to me shows me he is not willing to make efforts to get me connected back.” …I like how you put this. While the one who has “gone ahead in their life” breaks the connection and becomes self-centered, the “left behind” one is hurting.
I understand your pain, because I have felt it. It’s a very lonely place to be. I just wanted to comment that there are many others in similar positions and I hope your husband can come around and include you in his life.
I believe you should try to seek some sort of counseling. Obviously the way things stand today, he does not think he has a problem, because he is not the one in pain.
Also I know you probably have tried to describe your pain to him in the past, but he will defend his position and not be able to relate (have empathy) for you.
(USA) Well, I have been reading all these comments, and yes I can relate to most all of them. Been married 45 yrs, worked all my married life, thinking when I retire life would be better. Well it has been the worst 5 yrs of my life. My husband does not want to go anywhere with me, no vacations, no sex. He thinks a woman’s job is in the kitchen with a hot meal every evening, then he retires to the couch after farming all day, falls asleep, and to bed. Same thing, day in day out.
He had surgery, I waited on him hand and foot, brought hot meals to his bed until recovered. I have been healthy but recently had surgery. He brought me home, said to me, “Well that’s all I can do for you, now I am behind on my farming.” He went out the door, came back in, and since I was not able to cook, he ate what was in refrigerator, never once asking me if I needed food, water, anything. Then to bed he went. So some of you sound luckier than me, he will not open up nor go to counseling. So what else is there?
(USA) I just want my wife to know that I love her no matter what. But we do need to get past this strange communication problem preventing us from growing closer together. We have reversed male/female roles. If she reads this she’ll know it’s me. I love her very much and hope she finds the strength to reach back towards a stronger relationship.
The trick in marriage is not be practice “all or nothing” beliefs. Most people, after engaging in marital combat fail to realize that they just simply need to step back, let the feelings fall to the side and during a calm time gently approach the other, making sure it’s not a time where they need to unwind first. Relationships need time, and in today’s wicked, rush, rush, rush, it’s very difficult to recognize when we have let the rat race overrun us. Step back, calm down and mutually agree on a time. If one doesn’t step forward and meet their promise then try it again, and again and again. We are two imperfect beings united in a marriage that only God can make perfect. We need to turn to God in prayer each and every time we feel pain.
Prayers for all that undergo the same pain I feel in my marriage. It’s a sacrifice like Christ loves the Church. Read Ephesians 5.
(USA) Well… what was it all about anyway, all the mean choices, control, glares and stares, words of resentment, sex withdraw? Trying to make it work on 200 wkly with 2 kids, leaves me feeling disgusted, fed up, tired. Life is quick; I’ll always love him, I’ll find my own way with the Lord’s help.
(CANADA) Where to start. I have been married for 18 years to a good man who hasn’t gotten over his ex-wife. He is an anxiety ridden man.
I have always loved his intelligence, his athletics, his looks and have told him so thru the years. I have given love and attention to the point of losing myself. There does come a time in a relationship that a man does need to step up to the plate and solve past issues that are drug in to a second marriage. To this day he still brings up how he bought in to the 1950s marriage with 2.5 kids, or how he stayed married for twenty years and took care of four people. How on earth can this be good for a marriage?
I try to explain that it is hurting us by holding on to all that and he doesn’t get it. I don’t want to be number three but I would like to be number one now and then. It has made me feel very sad that his anger and hurt from his first marriage after all this time is still foremost in his mind. I’m discouraged and still fighting to keep the marriage going, but not sure how long I can hold on.
(ENGLAND) I have been married for 20 years, my wife was not very sexually active when we met but I accepted her as she was because I loved her. I still do. She started to reject my advances, which were every couple of weeks as she said she didn’t feel like having sex twice in a month. I accepted this and carried on as normal working and being happy but slightly frustrated. The sex got less and I got rejected a fair amount of times.
We then had our first child. Sex went out the window totally for a year. My wife never would consider doing anything to help me. It was full sex/love or nothing else. Loving my wife, I have worked hard at 2 jobs trying to keep our house in a nice standard and give my wife what she needed, not worrying about my needs.
The last time we had sex was 2 years ago. I have been sleeping in our spare room after she told me she loved me but was not in love with me. Over the years apparently, I have not shown my wife any love or spoken to her nicely, sometimes getting angry, and tired, I chucked a coffee cup in the garden in frustration. This scared my wife. I also had some form of emotional breakdown and destroyed some of her things her best friend of 17 years had given her, after the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” bombshell.
We haven’t talked for 2 years. We have argued, I have said some nasty things about her and her friend and through frustration ran out on the family home. She has now taken over the bills on the house and wants a divorce. I am devastated. I have been loving/patient and understanding but through the frustration of having a beautiful wife who I adore, I have blown off a few times over the years.
She remembers every thing I have done and said over the last 20 years and throws them at me. She now has gone back to saying nothing. I have been asking myself, am I mad? As I see it, it was the sex, the contact that was the original problem that triggered the frustration and outbursts that damaged our relationship. Yet she only sees that I have a temper and I am horrible (I have been acting that way unintentionally). I am still the person she wanted to marry years ago but now she wants out. I love her deeply but how do I make her see now, that she has convinced herself what she wants to believe?
I am desprately trying to keep our family together, living in a friend’s house. It’s getting worse as the time goes by. She is getting used to being on her own with the kids. Should I leave her and see what happens? Unsure/advice please. I hope she will read this.
(USA) Don’t break the bond you have with your kids, but if you listened to her she specifically does not want you. So, my advice to you is to move on. You seem like a great guy to me, but you need to love yourself. It seems to me like you have low self-esteem. It is great and wonderful when you love your spouse the way you have, but you need someone to truly love you back.
You are not going crazy. I would understand if your wife did not want to have relations with you if she had diabetes, a thyroid problem, or some other illness, but two years!!! Come on! Now what you need is time to realize that it is over and that you need to heal before getting into a relationship. Learn to love yourself first though. You are a child of God and he loves you the way you are. One day you will find true love. Anyway, don’t take my advice the wrong way. I apologize if I offended you.
(USA) I agree with following Andrew’s advice, but why should women always submit to the will of men? Why can’t men also put themselves in their woman’s shoes? Also, I would like to add that in certain cases divorce is the better alternative because I am pretty sure God doesn’t like his children getting hurt.
(ZIMBABWE) Thank you all for your ideas and suggestions, we all have something to learn from each other. Ladies, marriage aint easy, especially because God created man and woman differently each with different needs. It is important to realise that the marriage institution is under attack by the devil and thus it’s important for us to never leave an opening for him to come and rule our marriages.
I had stressful days with my husband running from him cheating on me, ignoring me, abusive language and a whole lot of sad stories. I was the one to accuse him about all the things he didn’t do or didn’t do right. One day I asked myself what I really wanted and my answer was till death do us part. I remember talking to God and telling him we were in love once and inseparable, which means something must have drawn us close together. I prayed that, this thing to be revived in me at least.
Ladies, prayer is powerful especially when you do it with an open heart that is selfless. From then on I realized I had changed in so many ways from our dating days. I had grown into a bully, interrogater, the self righteous nagging wife. Yes, my husband had his faults but I was probably worse than he was.
From then on I prayed to God for strength to learn to keep my mouth shut when I didn’t have anything good or positive to say. I became more loving and respectful (very important for wives to respect their husbands) and showed my gratittude to my husband even for the little things.
Life has been so much life and exciting, coz we have time to go out together without the kids and our sex life has even improved everything has just begun to flow. I never used to like jazz but I have gone an extra mile to attend jazz shows with my man and am surprised I am beginning to enjoy jazz. We spend more time together because we are learning to be flexible in our interests and needs. And when you do things together you realise you wont have to ask your hubby about satisfying your emotional needs or giving you attention, it just flows.
We have our blue days but I am thankful to God that they are way less than our happy days. Words are powerful. They can build or destroy, so if you don’t have anything constructive to say, keep quiet and cry to your God in bed. He will give you a better solution to your problems.
I used to like fighting with words but since I have learnt to leave it all to my God. I find my husband actually comes and apologises for misunderstandings, giving us a better ground to solve our problems unlike before.
And most importantly we should always learn to forgive one another. When we don’t forgive we think of ways to revenge the wrong done to us and this usually leads to more pain and destruction. Sometimes it takes you denying yourself of a little happiness to get the ultimate happiness, ladies.
(SA) How do you reconnect with someone who had actually moved out, declared they wanted a divorce while for years you begged them to reconsider and they wouldn’t hear you. Then just when emotionally you had accepted their decision and informed them you will grant them the divorce they turn around to say that they no longer want to divorce. Your heart has departed from them, you are afraid to recommit because you do not want to relive the abuse and rejection. Yet the husband wants to come back as if nothing had happened, as if they left yesterday when they actually left 4years ago. They expect to come back with no apology but rather blame you for everything that has transpired?
I am in a dilemma between having to live alone peacefully as I have done with my 3 children in his absence or start the whole process again with the same man for the sake of 3 children. I am afraid they will also find it hard to reconnect with him since they were also heartbroken when he left and had learnt to live with one parent.
(USA) Wow, it sounds just like me. He wanted to leave I begged him to come back he said no and even my daughters were telling me “Mom, if he does not want to come home let him stay with his mother.” He’s back after a few mind games and still says that were work in progress.
I won’t be able to go through it again if he decides that he does not want to be married anymore. And the sex, was never really that good to begin with, very mechanical and no passion, even the very first time 17 years ago. My Dr. says it’s him, that I’m attractive.
Just taking one day at a time. I even had convinced myself he was gay. He’s always flirted with other women, found a few emails once, it was all him pursuing her, they never had sex but I was devastated and never really got over the humiliation of it all. Hang in there… never thought I ever be going through anything like this in a million years!
(NZ) Hi there, My husband left our home 1.5 months ago. We have three young beautiful girls who are 3, 5 and 7 years of age. We have been married for 6 years now and I now feel so disconnected from my husband. I love my husband very much but feel so disconnected from him at present. He wants me to show him that I am following the 10 commandments and was upset that I had arranged our daughters birthday to be celebrated on her actual birthday which fell on a Saturday i.e the Sabbath which is something that he has just decided to start recently. I didn’t realize that the Sabbath meant that we couldn’t celebrate a birthday on that particular day. As far as I know it’s a day of rest that we spend with our family which is what usually happens on a birthday and it was her 5th birthday too which is a biggie!!!
My husband has decided that he is going to leave the country to run his family business, leaving us behind. I’m studying at present and am in my second year of radiography with only one year to go. I’m trying my best I feel that I’ve been a good wife and I love my husband so much. I’ve been trying my best to reconnect by calling and trying to talk to him but he is so distant.
I know I’ve been really busy with study and haven’t really made time for US which I regret now but with 3 kids, study and working part-time it’s been really difficult for me. I did my best to help by cooking, cleaning and looking after the kids but also had to put a lot of time into study. I have been really angry with him as he didn’t pay our daughter’s childcare bills and I was shocked to find that we owed $2500.00 as he hadn’t paid for weeks and he just lied about it and said he didn’t realise.
My husband isn’t sure if he wants to be with me anymore which hurts, as I still love him and we have such beautiful girls who want their dad around. Plus, I take my vows really seriously and love my husband and believe that we can work this out. But he is determined to leave. I have let him walk all over me over the past month by taking dinner over to him and he come’s over for dinner sometimes. I even give him sex when he wants but he is still leaving next week. And his birthday is this week and he has asked if I can bring over pizza and cake to his place and that afterwards he’s going to have his boys over playing playstation so we’ll probably have to leave then.
I feel so hurt and alone and things are so tough now that I’m the only one looking after our girls and study and work. He says that I’m strong and that we are still married but he has to walk his own path as he’s been called by God to go back to Tonga to run his family business. There is nothing there for me or the children as the schools aren’t that good and there are no jobs over there for me as it’s a island and the hospital isn’t really a hospital. Which is why we can’t leave also there is no real money there and my husband will have to pay off a huge debt owed before he’ll have any real money of his own.
I feel used and abused and so alone, I don’t know what to do. Most people say to end it but I’m still holding on… Does anyone have any advice please?
(GHANA) This is a lovely piece and I’m glad that I read it. I’m facing this challenge in my marriage; the whole example of the time thing is what I am faced with. My husband and I have being together for the past 7 months and they have being the worst ever 7 months in my whole, entire life. I’m not much of a talker but my husband is so instead of having what everybody terms as a “nagging wife,” I have the husband instead.
My problem of being emotionally distant is just that since I got married I have felt as if I don’t possess any value in the relationship. I saw that Cindy suggested to the one abused lady that she should seek counseling. I have being there but unfortunately for me, I feel that the world doesn’t understand. I think this is what makes people withdrawers, because of the society we deal with and the reaction of our spouses.
My response is if you feel your spouse is withdrawn, try to communicate with them. Don’t defend yourself, just lend a hearing ear.
(USA) I can relate to all of you. I will call it quits after 11 years of marriage. No fun memories; it is just painfull to talk about it… Men are just to complex to understand.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Wow! what a helpful site. I just got married but my biggest frustration is communication. I don’t know how to communicate and to relate with him anymore. I feel so disconected. His life is work, soccer and friends. So little of our time is ours and I feel so bored and frustrated. My love for him is still there but the situation kills the inside.
(ZIMBABWE) I have been a husband that has been detached from his wife for too long emotionally. When we started out I was very yielding to her in issues that were important to her for her sake. I thought those sacrifices would create in her a willingness to please me too, in a reasonable way. With time I have grown to feel that she has taken me for granted because of that and in trying to readdress things we have come to fight.
I suppose I am the pursuer here because I want something better. I want my wife to be able to listen to me and be part of things that are important to me. In a way she seems to withdraw though we switch roles here and there.
I don’t hate my wife. I want her to show me respect the way she does to other people. I want her to be attentive to me as she does at other times to others and as I have been for her.
(TANZANIA) Hi Phumu, I feel for you. It’s applaudable that a man is trying to change circumstances with his wife.
Maybe if you let her on about why you are detached, were you at some stage attached to someone? Please check within yourself your reasons, find yourself first, who you are, and who you are in Christ Jesus. Find that inner joy from the Saviour and Lover of our souls, and once you find the connection with God, and the fulfillment in HIM, then you pray for your wife.
I suggest you watch the movie FIREPROOF, and practice the advice there, as well as praying for your wife for a month, as well as to romance her silently in faith. Then you’ll see, she’ll notice and reciprocate. I’m sure she loves you and respects you, keep on trying.
PLease read this book on holiness and faith, God will restore the rest. http://divinerevelationonholiness.org/book/index.php
God bless you in your pursuit, but let your pursuit be for Christ first.
(ZIMBABWE) No. I was never unfaithful, if that is what you mean. I have just been feeling cheated of the years of my life I have spent in frustration. I feel like my whole life has gone down the drain and if I stay in this marriage. I will never fulfill my potential and if I leave I will hurt my kid (and he won’t be complete either). I will damage my life, and break my vows too. Argh!!!!!!!!! The confusion hurts me.
Anyway, I am giving my marriage another push. I thank God I found this web site. it gives me a lot of information, encouragement, and strength.
(TANZANIA) Hi Phumu, Yes, that’s the unfortunate thing if you’re a giver. You give and give, and its taken for granted, or not reciprocated. I’m in the exact same situation you’re at.
I have decided that I won’t change who I am or my primary love gift of giving just because my husband is not reciprocating. I won’t and will not change, that’s how GOD made me. I find joy in doing it, if I do it without expecting anything back. I won’t expect anything anymore. I’ve put my trust in GOD, with my soul, spirit and heart, and my hopes, failures, disapointments, even my tears, so I trust He’ll take care of me, and He will.
So my advice to you will be to give it all to GOD. He’s the only one who can fill that void in you for recognition, love, respect and acceptance. Your wife can try all she might, and you’ll even see her efforts, but it still won’t be enough, coz you see, you are actually craving for the acceptance and love from Jesus, if that is filled, than we get new found inner joy.
What I’m trying to encourage you without of my own experience is for you to take your focus off from your wife, and yourself, and put it on Christ. I know, it sounds like a cliche, but it’s the truth. Just be yourself, and let GOD deal with her.
At the end of the day and our journey’s, it’s about GOD saying to us “well done, thou good and faithful servant.” Keep on being you, the giver. Its much more fullfilling to give than to receive anyways, and read the comments from Cindy on how to do the giving part in love and some TLC etc, you’ll definitely be surprised. The key here is focus on Jesus, and not wifey.
(USA) From my own experince, I believe that marriage is a fantasy and a huge waste of time. I have been married to a man 29 yrs my senior and we have the same or worse problems as same-aged couples. I wish I had NEVER married, and after this one is over, plan not to marry again. It is just too hard, disappointing, and discouraging. I can say with shame and sadness, that although I care for my husband as a person, I should NOT have married him.
For you men who commented, I DO know what it is like to feel criticized all the time. I was as a child, and have lived this with my husband. I have realized this, and I just don’t say anything now, just keep it inside and ignore, and honestly thank and appreciate him when he does something that pleases me. My marriage is tolerable because I care for him and I HAVE MY OWN LIFE!!! My husband is content to read, read, sleep, collect junk from dumpsters and eat, period.
I have my own life and friends, etc. I make my own happiness without him. Rather than hope he will come around, I do my own thing. He does not care because this is what he wanted in a marriage anyway -but I am dissappointed. I could have remained single with him and been free to move on with more enjoyable relationships. By the time I am “free” to just date, I will be old and wrinkled and not able to enjoy sexual intimacy due to this choice I made.
Nevertheless, God expects me to suffer in obedience and faithfulness which is exactly what I am doing. Marriage is hard and really, really nor worth it. It feels GREAT to say exactly how and what I feel about this, even though I know and expect criticism -I don’t care about that anymore. Whew! Thanks be to God.