Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(ZIMBABWE) I’m glad I am here. Thanks Ann and Cindy. I love my wife deeply but now a days it’s proving harder and harder to show it. Your advice Ann, is what I will follow. I believe in what you have written. God bless you all.
(USA) Maybe having an outside view will help. My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and love each other. We just can’t seem to be in the same room with each other for more than 10 minutes before we start arguing. I love him, and I know he loves me… But I’ll be honest, I feel like I love him less because of this constant hurt. We both try to talk to each other, come to a solution, but things always go the same route… argument.
I feel like he abandons me whenever I’m at my worst, and he feels that I’m always picking something to fight about. We both seem to have lost patience in each other. I spent my entire single life being there for other people, acting like the eldest sibling, even though I was the youngest in a family of eight. And then an older sibling of mine tried to molest me. I feel like no one in my family is there for me, and I have reasons to believe that because the one person who knew in my family, several years later betrayed me for the same reason.
Because I never asked or got anything from anyone before, so now, for once, I feel I have the right to be a little selfish, and have someone there to wipe my tears, or hug me when I’m upset. I have stopped leaning on him emotionally for so long now, cause he always seems to fail me at that point. I know he’s wonderful, he helps out in every aspect. I guess him not being there emotionally is the only thing that bothers me.
What I need help with, is how do we come out of this ditch we’re in? We love each other, but we can’t stop arguing or hurting each other. I’m tired to all the talks, as I know he is as well. How do we get some much needed patience? Sorry for rambling on.
Hi Sam, When I read your comment, two ministries came to mind instantly. One of them is run by David and Theresa Ferguson. They head up a ministry called Intimate Life Ministries, which you can find at Greatcommandment.net. Their Relational Care Intensives are OUTSTANDING! We’ve done a lot of work through that ministry. We’ve been to several of their retreats and worked with them in ministering to missionaries in the Middle East (who have boatloads of hurts, which have needed to be addressed). I recommend them as highly as I can. Steve and I will always be grateful to this ministry for how they helped us to dump out our hurts and teach us how to minister to each other as husband and wife and beyond, as we minister to others on a larger scale. Unfortunately, their web site doesn’t give this ministry justice, but I can assure you, if you contact them, and explain your problem, they can tell you how they could help you and your husband to connect.
Another ministry, which comes to mind to help you and your husband relate is found at Soulhealing.com. They specialize in helping those who are disconnected because of past hurts move closer together. Again, an outstanding ministry! We were already at a good place in our relationship when we came in contact with this ministry, but both Steve and I acknowledged that if we needed help to stop hurting each other, we would have gone to them.
Whatever you do Sam, PLEASE get some help. And make sure you get it from someone who is “marriage friendly” (which both of the afore mentioned ministries are) and deals in helping you to minister to each other’s emotional needs (especially as it relates to past hurts, which can spill over into current issues you are having together). I hope this helps.
(USA) First of all, when I’m wrong I’m wrong. But when my husband takes off for days then comes back and tells me I don’t have a right to know where he was or who he was with I think he’s wrong. When you need space does that mean go out of town for days? I have an anger, controlling problem and I really need to work on it. But at the same time I’m tired of him taking the easy way out. Sometimes I can be hard to live with and be around with but at least I’m honest.
(USA) Why do you suggest he’s not being honest? He’s being honest with your actions, he’s leaving. If he tells you where he goes, then, being the angry controller you say you are, you’ll follow him to his safe haven.
Make it safe for him to tell you and he might tell you. However, that means you have to stop “working on it” and simply STOP being an angry controller.
As Yoda said, there is no try, there is only do or not do. So stop suggesting he’s not being honest. What if he’s being as honest as you make it safe to be?
(USA) Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this article. One can feel very alone when stuck in this cycle with their partner. This article provides comfort and I positive direction to take. It’s is so hard when you feel lost in your own relationship.
(UNITED STATES) I honestly believe that is was Yahweh who lead me to this site. I was literally in tears after verbally putting my husband down. I feel neglected and unappreciated, and after I shout these things out I sink into a depression which leads me to finding comfort in food. I am not a big girl. I am in perfect shape where people are surprized that I am a mother of five or that I am in my 30’s.
What angers me is I get attention from everyone else except the person who I strongly desire it from. I now realize that the scripture is true; a man would rather be on top of his house than inside with a nagging wife. I have literally pushed my husband away because it appears as if all I do is shout for help, affection, time, him to be a little more understanding.
I am stressed out. I have only one friend that I trust talking to and she is on the other side of the world. I feel alone because the person I feel I should be able to confide in has detached himself from me. Yet, after reading this I can honestly say that I see the error in my ways. There are times I get tired of trying all by myself. I love him dearly, just tired. But I now see that so is he.
(CANADA) I deeply empathize with the many of you who are hurting in your marriages. My wife of 6 months lives away from me in Africa as we await the processing of her immigration papers. We love each other deeply and we have tried to overcome the distance by being in contact with each other at least three times daily. I also travelled to Africa twice last year and will be back there in a couple of months.
In my marriage, the traditional roles are reversed. My wife is a ‘concealer’, a stonewaller, and not very verbal. She does give heartfelt apologies when she feels she is wrong; I am the ‘revealer’ and pursuer, and use “I” statements to gently express my needs. I’m also the patient one.
My wife recently told me that she feels lonely and would like to travel to Asia, where she had attended university, to visit friends. Since she is a ‘concealer’, I know little about these friends. I told her I understood her loneliness and her desire to travel, but that my heart didn’t freely support the idea. I asked that she gives me some time to sort out my feelings towards her desired trip. She gave me a deadline to give her a response.
After a day of prayer and reflection, I said to her (1) I can’t afford to fund the trip (she is dependent on me financially), (2) I’d prefer that we make such a trip together, (3) I felt our marriage is still young and that I’d perhaps be more comfortable with the idea in a few years time. Finally I told her hesitantly that I suspect part of my resistance was related to a previous experience when my ex-wife travelled to Europe alone for 2 weeks and came back with stories that led to problems in my last marriage. My wife said she was deeply hurt by “my dragging my previous relationship” into our marriage. I apologized and admitted that my attempt at using the experience to explain my feelings was unwise.
She has now declared a ‘cold war’ on me. We still calls me on schedule, but she remains virtually silent. When I ask how she is, she answers, “Fine”, with no warmth whatsoever. She recently declared, “marriage is bondage”. I’ve told her that I care and would like to know how I can help. She says, “Have a good day”. She has mastered avoidance. I’m barely holding together and fear I’ll soon get dragged down into deep sadness. I cannot touch her physically or take her out on a date as we are on two continents. What can I do in this situation? Any tips would be appreciated.
(USA) I have been married to my husband for 23 years. We have been very happy and we have also gone through some very, very hard times in our relationship. My husband and I have been the rounds with each other when we have been in a cycle in which he ignored me or otherwise did not give me enough attention or love, in my opinion. I had a friend that had been married for over 40 years when I was going through tough times with my husband, years ago. I developed a theory, through my talks with her, that if every husband and wife got along like peaches and cream all of the time the women would always be pregnant! There is a natural flow to coming together, feeling really warm and wonderful about one another, then putting a little distance, each off doing their own thing, then getting a little cranky, then draw close again, etc.
If we were all “on” with one another 24 hours a day, it would be like eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Ice cream is wonderful, but not all the time. So a marriage is going to have boring times, happy times, sexy times, lonely times -it is a changing landscape. If I expect my husband to provide my happiness, then I will be unhappy. He can’t carry that load. My happiness comes from a different source (God).
I also can’t expect my husband to listen to all of the words I want to say. I want to talk, as most women do, more than my husband probably wants to listen -so I have a circle of women friends I talk to on the phone almost every day. I love my husband with all of my heart and I am completely devoted to him. We are faithful and we are decent to one another. But he is a man and he has a life -a work life, friendships with other men, a parent relationship with our daughter -he is busy. I’m not some little teenager that needs a boyfriend doting on me. I don’t “pursue” my husband anymore. I used to do it, but not for years and years.
An example would be that when my husband comes in after work I give him a hug at the door, hand him a soda, and he goes into the living room to watch TV. I leave him completely alone for at least 15 or more minutes. I NEVER, EVER bring up anything he might worry about or have to really think about when he has just walked in after work. I have timing. Timing is very important when dealing with a man. If there is something important I will bring up the topic when it will slide in to our conversation and not make him feel like he is being pressured. He comes in after work and he is worn out -he needs a little space to unwind. After about 15 or 20 minutes he will come out of the living room looking for me and I’m in fixing dinner. Now he wants to talk and asks about my day. He is interested in me because I’m not trying to pressure him or push myself in his direction.
The other part of this is that I do have some healthy self respect and I’m not going to chase after any man. NO WAY! I’ll go find something to do and get busy. I make sure I’m looking good, smelling good and cooking something good and that keeps him very interested. My grandmother always said that when a man comes into the house you should make sure something smells good -either the stove or you.
Once upon a time I used to blunder along and pursue my husband, but I learned from my mentor how to relax and let him go a little. If the roles were reversed I would hate to have a man wrapped around my leg begging for attention -what a big turn off. We went through years where we didn’t sleep in the same room, where I had insomnia, where he was mad or I was mad or the dog was keeping us up -whatever -but we hung in there with our marriage. We learned to say, “Hey, I’m sorry for my part in fighting with you. I don’t want to keep fighting. Can we stop this?”
When we have been on the verge of a horrible fight I will go in the bedroom, get on my knees, and turn the entire problem over to God. I’ll tell God that I’ve probably messed this all up or my husband may have messed it up -whoever is wrong I’m not sure -but I don’t know how to fix it and its heading into a ditch. Please, please, please could You fix this? And when I come out of the bedroom my husband has softened up and he comes to me and wants to work things out.
Finally, a lot of times I find that I thought I had to have my husband listen to me talk about some problem we had and for us to hash it out. But if I got on the phone with a good friend and hashed it out with her, I felt better about it and didn’t even have to bother him with it. Women have all of these feelings and men just want to know whats for dinner. After years of practice we are now in a pattern with one another where I do what I can to make him happy and he does the same for me most of the time. I could never do anything to force him to change, I can only change my own attitude and that has gotten wonderful results. God grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (everybody else), the courage to change the things I can (me, my attitude, what I say and think and do), and the wisdom to know the difference.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for this wonderful advice! I would love to hear more from you about how to handle marriage issues.
(CANADA) One of the best things I have ever heard was on Dr. Phil. He wakes up every morning and says of his wife. “What can I do today to make her happy?” That’s a lesson each and every married person can learn. It works.
(MALAYSIA) Wow this where I should have gone. I am a Moslem and my husband has taken a second wife, a much younger, air head divorcee. He said that life is not a one track journey. Huh? As I am in my fifty I carried on as usual. It’s hard, very very hard to accept this, any Moslem man out there to counsel me?
(MALAYSIA) Help, my husband has a younger mistress and yet he said he still love me?
(USA) I’m a white American woman and my husband is from Pakistan. We have been married 7 years and have 2 kids. Our marraige is in a lot of trouble. We filed for divorce once and then we decided not to go through with it. He has been so distant since we married. He sleeps in his own room and he only comes to me when he wants to make love. He is from a village and he was brought up not to have any affection. I have suffered 7 years with so much pain and hurt.
I’m not allowed to touch him or have feelings. I have to wait till he comes to me. Let me tell you, he wears his shirt and it has to be dark and it only takes 2 minutes. After being through he leaves me to myself and goes to shower. I have talked to people about this and they give me negative advice. I was starting to feel crazy and I started being real mean and so did he. It got very abusive emotional, mental, and verbally between us. I even got physical with him. I had so much anger and lost control.
This has affected us and our children. He told me I have to stay with him cause if I don’t I will live a lonely life alone. He says I’m too old and ugly for anyone to want to be with me. I’m so sad and very lonely. I tried everything for him to be close with me. If I cooked he would throw the food away. If I cleaned the house he would say I had to. What kind of life is this?
I have been praying and trying to ask GOD for help. My husband has finally started talking nice, but he still ignores me in other ways. Our abuse is gone but my heart still hurts. I have tried thinking his way and not mine to try and solve this issue. So I guess I’m trying to say I have kept away from him and I don’t nag or follow him to try and talk. Thats when he starts talking with me instead of shoutting.
I want to feel loved and cared for. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I’m in this marraige and want to fix it but I can’t fix it myself. It takes 2 and we never comunicate. I keep waiting and hoping he will change his thinking and feelings. Is it wrong to want to be close to someone? Please tell me what I should do? Thanks!!
(JAMAICA) Hello, I read most of your article, and must say opposites do attract. I guess when you go into a relationship and you feel your expectations are not met you feel that your needs are not being fulfilled. Listening is so important, when I think he is not hearing me I write him a long letter. I found your article interesting and will be trying to put some in place. Thanks.
(USA) Op, my heart goes out to you as I’m in a similar situation. I’ve read all the books and put into practice how to talk to your husband, how to respect your husband, etc. nothing works. At this point I have emotionally shut down and no longer want to pursue him. I’m staying in the marriage, but have closed my heart. My husband travels for work and is gone most of the time, so when texting or talking I am happy and surfacy, saying only what I know he wants to hear… Everything is great! Have a great night!… I save who I really am for my close friends, because they like me and desire a close relationship too.
I don’t cheat, nor will I in the future. I don’t know if he does, and frankly I really don’t care anymore. We have no intimacy because says he’s not attracted to me. That was a huge self esteem punch and I’ve been working diligently to come up with reasons why I AM an attractive person. He is no longer in my heart and I’m learning to rely on God and my friends to lift me up, and I pray for God to keep him busy at work so my desire for a real relationship with him will continue to fade.
I wish I had some advice for you that would bring you to a great place with your husband, but I am terribly jaded. Mine was the best boyfriend a girl could have ever wanted, but after the honeymoon he checked out. I pray one day I will know the deep passion of a close relationship with a man. Maybe God will bring someone to me later. But for now I share my life and who I am with the people who think I’m worth something. God bless you.
(ZIMBABWE) When I read this topic, “when you sense your spouse is not for you,” I had not gone to church because I was ill and at the same time even if I was not ill, I was not going to go because I had an issue deep inside my heart that my wife is cheating on me and is no longer caring for me. This day was a day when the church is taking Holy communion. Now this lesson strengthened me and I found my faults, as well. May the good Lord continue to lead and guide you in the revelation of such, all the time, and our families will stand firm for Christ. -Nqabeni, church elder in the church of God.
(CANADA) I got married in May of 2010. My marriage is falling apart. I’ve been a very supportive understanding wife. Wake up at 5-6 am, make his lunch, coffee, prepare his clothes even though I don’t have to be up until 8:30. From the beginning I’ve been battling for his attention. He works construction and his hours are long. I sympathize with him, I try to support him, make it all comfy when he comes home. I understood marriage as a serious union. 1st he is my husband, 2nd my best friend and my family. Seems like one way street. He uses an excuse of working so much “for me” so I can have everything, we barely are intimate. But yet he has time to get drunk. He is such a hard person when he is drunk; he hallucinates, talks about things I don’t understand.
I was patient and his family said I’ve changed him so much for the good, that I had a great impact on him. His family loves me, his mom adores me, all of his family that didn’t even meet me personally loves me. Most of them are overseas in Europe. Yet, because of his behaviour and avoiding to do anything with me, I feel like im falling into a depression. We do not have kids, because I cannot concieve by a Holy Spirit. No intimate time. We are in our early 30’s and THIS IS CRAZY. All this has been happening in past 4-6 months. Less and less he was interested in me. The only time I can have a conversation with him and have that afternoon coffee is when he comes home from work because I missed him so much and I know he works hard. He says that in those 2 years of marriage, and 1 year out of marriage that all together I’ve never made him happy. NO MATTER WHAT I DID FOR HIM.
I’ve never said a single word of profanity EVER; where I’ve had the honor of receiving many of them, and even my mother. I believe IN resolving issues with love and care and seems like the more I am better towards him that he is worse to me. He admitted to me just tonight after another drunk evening (we had a talk 2 weeks ago and he promised he will be a better attentative husband) HE basically said he avoids me because he can’t stand to look at me. He works so much and goes fishing Sunday and spends less time at the house so he can avoid me and the house and how he cannot do this anymore. I TRULY, as GOD as is my witness, have been nothing but a really good wife. He admits that, but seems like He has been fighting with some demons in his head. I am really trying to understand him. If this “rant” does not make sense, I just want to let all the readers know that I’m/was writing this in a very disturbed, hurt, disappointed and confused state…the same night my husband…who is my life, my best friend, my all… told me he avoids me cause he cannot stand me and he thinks we should truly get divorced.
P.S. at 19 he got married had a kid and walked away after 3 yrs of marriage. I took that as he was young, and few other issues in his life he ran away from it. SEEMS like my husband’s answer to everything is to avoid it and run away from it. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO APPROACH HIM ANYMORE, HOW TO TALK TO HIM, WHAT TO SAY. In these 2 years and especially the last 5 months, I’ve been fighting for our marriage. I even booked a vacation this year for a week to reconnect. IT was all fine and dandy there, but we came back and it was back to old stuff, him doing his thing. When I suggest something, too tired. When others call him, he jumps at the opportunity. I pray to GOD and I hope this can be resolved soon. I am afraid to first disappoint GOD and give up hope, and second, lose my husband forever. I already lost my Father 6 years ago and he was only 50. My heart is half broken as it is, this would really send me to be institutionlized.
God Bless all! Who is the LORD? JESUS CHRIST!