Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(INDIA) I have been in a relationship for the last six years. As the years are passing I am feeling that I shouldn’t have gotten married. Right now I am expecting my second child, which is due in October. My husband was a very understanding person initially but as time passed he has changed completely. Previously he used to listen and solve my problems then slowly he has stopped solving and now the situation is where he directly refuses to hear me and defends himself saying that I love crying and having problems. I am feeling very lonely when there is no one to share my feelings. Please help. I am really getting more and more depressed day by day.
(NIGERIA) The pursuer and the withdrawer phenomenon is quite common, but when it is the man that is pursuing, he does so that the marriage will not breakdown. Both parties are hurting and the solution is to tell each other the truth of what they want from each other.
(USA) God bless everyone of us. Amen.
(USA) Thank you for having this site. It seems that everything else I have found previously encourages game playing and divorce. Like many of you, I have been married a while, 13 years. We are opposites, like yin and yang. I am the talker and also the yeller, sometimes. He is very private.
He stays out overnight with fellow military service members like himself, something that he did once in a while until this week, when he has been out 4 nights without texting or calling me.
I tried to keep it together, but I laid into him the other night and when he told me to stop I just couldn’t. I kept asking God to help me to calm down. Luckily, our 4 year old daughter didn’t hear my lunatic ratings. He always tells me I don’t listen and being a former newspaper reporter, I am a great listener. I have tried to see things from his point of view and “interview” him about exactly what it is that I am not heeding. I never get anything concrete. When we are both angry, we, of course, get all sorts of hateful comments back and forth. So, calm or angry, I can’t seem to get to the root cause of our problem. It’s always “you are blocking the TV…”
I apologized to him last night in person for losing my temper, and he said he was not ready to talk. I am giving him space and it is now 5 a.m. and I haven’t seen him since the previous morning as we were both getting ready for work.
I did visit his office for the first time this week to drop off a peace offering of a smoothie and he was out of the office at a meeting. And I haven’t texted or called him all day and night in order to give him space.
He knows I don’t mind when he goes out once in a while, even though I wish he would tell me who he is with, but to please check in with me, and he hasn’t. He is normally a very responsible person except for this one issue of needing his space all the time. In addition to these nights out very late or overnight, he is working a lot and training for marathons. He tends to fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV rather than with me. My mom and stepdad moved in down the street, and I am so embarrassed and make excuses why they can’t come over or we can’t see them this week, so the are not clued into my husband’s inconsiderate behavior.
I think it seems to be only brick walls between us. I have tonight scheduled a counseling session with a MFT next week for myself. I have suggested we both go, but he always refuses. I hope she can help me figure out how to make him happy and get through this troubling time and continue to be awesome parents.
I think the problem might be with him: mid-life crisis, dissatisfied at work, post war PTSD and the stigma associated with seeking help, alcoholism, etc., however, I am willing to be the bigger person and sacrifice my own happiness and work on whatever issues that come up during my counseling sessions to save our marriage and earn his respect once again.
It would be easy to just separate and divorce and walk away. But I never seem to do the easy thing. Despite his thoughtlessness, my heart yearns for him.
Do you all think giving him this space and not bugging him is the right thing to do until he cools off because I yelled at him even though he is the one who didn’t come home (the last time he did this our daughter had an asthma attack and croupe at the same time so we were taken via ambulance to the ER and he wouldn’t pick up his phone to pick us up when she was feeling better) and we can get through this?
(USA) Regardless of any conditions he may have, he is an adult and married now. You come second only to God, then your daughter. Time to grow up. I saw the midlife crisis in my husband as well as the fact he never had much luck with women and another one came parading through his company and after any Engineer that would have her. In a house she couldn’t afford and barely able to eat, her husband dumped her for all her affairs and after she was fired.
Guess who she called… and he went running. 9 days of playing and it happened only she was not what he expected under those clothes and he failed. Nonetheless, his heart was there and it was not with God, me or our kids. Thanks be to God that he failed; we learned in court she has STD’s that you cannot cure. How close he came. Two years in Decemeber and it nearly killed all of us. I know I will never fully recover.
I asked him to leave long ago as it was clear what he really was (23 years now) and that just made him more angry. Then to see those at church say what a sweet, humble, Godly man he was. He had them fooled but not us, and not God. How sad it took that long and she was only after money. Furious and coveting that I had and got everthing I wanted. She even said “I was an idiot, didn’t know how good I had it.”
People seem to think they know how adultery will feel but they clearly do not until it happens. Look under the traits of an abuser on this site. Like my husband WAS, I bet you’ll see that’s your husband too. I can only pray for you and I will. I’m so sorry. There are no magic words but the hope God will intervene before it’s too late. Love and prayers.
(CANADA) I am in distress. I have been with my husband for over 12 years. I thought he followed God. Twelve years have been filled with guilt trips. There have been red flags I have ignored because I truly believed his heart was for God and that he loves me. I still want to believe that. Some of the red flags include asking me for sex just after family deaths (not even a week after) -telling me that if I loved him I would do whatever I can in the bedroom to please him. He has even asked me to agree to a schedule of being intimate with him.
He has unhealed areas in his life -from being sexually abused as a child. He said he went through counseling. He does not think he needs help with anything -thinks that things are all my problems. Everyone I know disagrees. He does not want counseling -so I don’t know where to go from here. -Tracy
(NIGERIA) In fact, this is the first time I would be coming across details as this, which could touch my heart and quench the thirst of lonliness and bitterness towards my marriage. This lens had helped me a lot and I sure know that putting into considerations some noted point here would go a long way in amending my nearly two years marriage. Thanks all.
My husband and I have been married for 23 years. For the most part, we get along, except when it comes to his friends or an employee of ours that works for our company. My husband really upsets me because when his friends say or do something to me that is disrespectful, he just lets them say it and doesn’t try to defend me. When we first got married, it happened to me 2 weeks after we were married. We were at a get together of his friends and their wives and I didn’t know anybody, except just 3 or 4 couples that came to our wedding that were his friends. They all knew each other and I didn’t know anyone, so I was quiet. One of his friends came out and said out loud that I was being bitchy that night, because I wasn’t talking to anyone. I was quiet, but I did try to make conversation. I felt out of place not knowing these people and my husband just stood there. I started crying and told my husband we had to leave. Why didn’t he stand up for me?
I kept asking myself that and my husband wound up calling this guy the next day and telling him he should apologize, but the problem is, this problem with my husband has continued. If he thinks I have done or said anything I shouldn’t to his friends, especially this one guy that works for us, he goes off on me. He also rents a house from us with his girlfriend and they weren’t paying us rent and I didn’t even know it for two years and I found out about it in a round about way and I was extremely mad that my husband didn’t tell me they weren’t paying rent.
Ever since I found that out, I have started handling finances myself and the other day I sent this employee that rents from us a text and I said to him, How are you doing today? I hope you all are having a great weekend. I am writing to let you know that this is a friendly reminder that the rent is due… Well my husband came unglued! It’s almost like I don’t have freedom of speech or something and my husband is headstrong. He doesn’t ever give in and say he is wrong, especially where this employee is concerned.
I feel so upset and he has let people run all over me and I wind up defending myself, then he blames me. It’s always all my fault if I make someone mad for defending myself. I have a good heart and I am so down. What is the matter with him? Aren’t husbands supposed to defend their wives? Or is it just me? Am I wrong to defend myself when my husband won’t when it’s necessary? I’m sick of this. I am a Christian and he says he is too. He prays with me, but gosh he turns on me like jekyl and hyde. I feel like I should be able to stick up for myself if he won’t…
(CAMEROON) I feel so blessed to have discovered this site. When I got married to the father of my second child I thought all was going to be just so good but I was so wrong. We met on the internet (chatted over 10 months) then one day he decided to come to my country for our wedding. 2 weeks after we both said “yes”, he went back to Nottingham, England leaving me a few weeks pregnant. During the 10 months of chatting on the net he sounded so genuine and in love but after our vows and the pregnancy, he stopped communicating.
Our son will turn 2 in November 2012 and he’s not the least interested in seeing him (he’s never seen or touched his own son). Before coming to my country, we agreed on working hard “together” to keep our family up. I was ready to follow him to England or to stay with him in Africa and open our real estate company. Instead of that, today, I pay exclusively all the house bills as well as the children’s school fees and the very expensive hospital bills when they fall sick (in Cameroon, housing, school and health facilities are very, very expensive). My husband never calls to find out if we’re still alive or not. He totally ignores our condition.
I’m so hurt. I need to be told how I can sue him for his refusal to be responsible for his family and also how I can obtain a divorce. As a good Christian, I kept quiet… until today. I haven’t had sex for close to 3 years because I’ve been hoping he’ll come back to me. I’m only 30 years old. It’s time my suffering and the abuse ended. I need him to recognise his son so that the poor child can get the British nationality (this will enable him to claim his rights as a child born of a man who is British. It’ll also enable him to go to good schools in England). Sorry for the clumsy English (I’m french speaking). GOD bless you all.
Nellyflo, I’m sorry for your painful situation and the abandonment you’ve experienced. It’s truly difficult to meet someone over the Internet and know whether or not they are genuine –even when you are with them for a long time, it’s difficult. Again, I’m sorry for your pain. I’m also sorry to tell you that we can’t help you to figure out how to “obtain a divorce” or how to “sue him for his refusal to be responsible for his family.” Divorce is not something we help people to do. That is a decision you need to talk to God about and then someone else, if that’s where you’re going after a lot of soul searching. I’m not thinking this guy is coming back, but I’m not sure what you can do about it, nor what you can do about your son’s citizenship. Sorry.
(USA) I have been married for less than a year; I love my husband so much but I feel like I’m losing myself. I work a full time job, I’m pregnant, I cook, clean, and take care of our kids (from previous) relationships. I feel extremely overwhelmed, tired and unappreciated. He helps but only after I have talked to him and a huge fight escalates. If I communicate that I need help he gets defensive and says he does help and that I make him sound useless; its so tough I feel like I can’t handle being expected to be super woman.
(USA) This is a very helpful column. I’m in this cycle in my relationship, but recently had opportunity to try to speak from the heart, and listen to my partner. I am hoping it will make a difference. I am trying to allow God time to work.
(USA) What do I need to do? I want to talk to and be answered or commented by someone.
(USA) If this and you are real, then why can’t someone talk to me? I am truly asking for your help. I read and read on last night and I tried to talk to my husband. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. If I say nothing, I am lonely and hurt. If I say something, I feel foolish and hurt. If I send this wrong, tell me where it goes. I’m in need of help fast. I’m not sure of what I might do to myself. My health suffers because of this problem. Sad and alone..
Hi Gloria, I wish we could help you more than what we offer on our web site, but we aren’t counselors; we’re marriage educators. We make the articles available to help people as best we can, and for the most part, they seem to help A LOT. We also open it up for comments to be posted after each article and each blog for other people to minister to and encourage each other, and for them to pray for each other, and also, so that people who need to can vent. Sometimes the advice these other people give is profound and very helpful (and sometimes not). But if you want more than that, you’ll need to reach out to a counselor. (We have the “Marriage Counseling” topic on this web site so you can figure out the best kind of counselor to get… Not all counselors are gifted in helping marriages.)
I encourage you to call the ministry of Focus on the Family. Their web site is Focusonthefamily.com. They actually have counselors on staff to help people during regular business hours. (You can get their contact info on their web site.) They won’t do extensive counseling with you but they will give you a good start. If you need more than they can give you, they will be able to recommend someone else for you to talk to, with more personalized advice.
Gloria, I wish we could do more for you than that. But that’s the best we can do. I sense your urgency and your desperation. Oh how I wish we could be there for you as you need it, but from what I sense, you need more than we can give you. However, the ministry of Focus on the Family may be able to help in some way. I hope so… I pray so. Please reach out to them. I will be praying that as you persevere, that you will somehow get the help you need. Please know that we care and are praying for you.
(WALES, UNITED KINGDOM) My wife and I do not have a close relationship. We seem to live separate lives in the same house. In fact the last time we went out together was when our gas boiler exploded.
(USA) I’m going through the withdrawal too. We’re withdrawing from each other. Facebook and Twitter have caused so many problems. Private messages that are highly inappropriate that he says are totally innocent, and he just pays no attention to. Not much help around the house and thinks because he gets our son ready for school in the morning he has done enough. Everyone thinks he is such a saint. I think I’m not in love with him anymore. I don’t trust him like I used to.
(USA) But it isn’t the websites that are the problem. It’s the wicked, selfish hearts of those with no self-control and no respect for promises and boundaries. They defile themselves and all else.
I don’t ever recall, before the Internet age anyone saying “curse the post office or the phone company” for my affairs. We are each responsible for our own thoughts and actions so as God says “Guard your heart and thoughts.”
I have received e-mails via FB from ex’s and men I don’t know. I reply “no thnaks” and tell my husband everytime. Sadly, there are many that just refuse to do that. As God says, it’s the devil’s world and people want to do that which seems right in their own eyes. “For men love darkness rather than light.”
(Philippines) Hi, I was inspired sharing my story. I’ve been married for 8 years now. My husband is a seafarer; I worked in a mall as branch head. We have 2 kids. My husband is very loving, kind to all, not to mention his generosity, and that he is a very responsible man. But he cannot say NO all his friends when being invited for a drink (alcohol). My husband loves to go out with friends especially when he is on vacation. The problem arises when he will not go home on time.
Just think this; he went out of the house at 1 pm and got home at 10:30 pm drunk. Since I’m working he is also busy with his friends, although it’s not everyday. But for a family I hate it. And even if he knows that I hate it he continues to do it over and over or everytime hes out.
My husband is very temperamental. When I’m angry he gets angry too and says bad words. Well, I dont mind; it’s not new me. Also, I am misjudged by him a lot and he’s always telling that I am controlling him, which is not true. Please help. I’m tired already. Thanks, Michelle
(USA) Well after our latest round of disagreement that I still have no idea of the cause, my wife stopped talking to me again. This time she has not spoken to me for 8 days. If I put my hand on her foot she pulls her foot away. She will not talk to me, will avoid answering any question; these are trivial questions. If I try to talk about anything important she says I’m attacking her; she will not discuss the situation. She seems to have decided this is it; she has hardened her heart towards me.
In a few days I leave the country for a couple of weeks, something I cannot get out of. I am pretty sure she will ignore my attempts to contact her when I’m gone and when I return, if we have not got somewhere before I leave then I fear we will be done. Even then I intend to keep trying. I have been giving her space while trying to support her, I have been taking on more chores to help around the house, which has meant working into the night on my job a couple of times but she has no interest in any of it. It feels like she is making do, while emotionally leaving me, she is worried about what other people think but does not care one jot about what I think.
I feel my heart break every day now. I think she is trying to get me to leave her because she can then say it was me and not her. Ultimately I will have to force her into a situation of either talking to me or telling me to leave. Tomorrow I intend to talk to her regardless of if she listens or not. 8 days of this is too long; at some point precedence will be set and she will just never work for our marriage again and my attempts will be like seeds on stone.
She said a few very hurtful things to me 8 days ago, which I forgive her for and I told her I will take all responsibility if that is what is required but I think now that I have empowered her to be as she is. She talks of God and even of what is right in marriage to others but at the same time is making our marriage a sham that God is shut out of. I do not know what to do and ask anyone reading this to pray for us.