Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) I just want my husband to be kind to our children. This is the “difference” that seems to spark the “cycle” in our home… daily.
(CANADA) Just read through all these comments. Sad to hear how so many marriages are hurting. Mine is no different. He expects respect and all to be just “fine” while continously trespassing the “pillars” of marriage in our relationship. I too wonder: as much as i love him and want reconciliation, how can i just get back in the marriage bed when there’s so much unresolved conflict? It’s been going on for years and I’ve tried every approach to talk and reason. Please men, tell me, how can a husband assume to engage in sex while at the same time stubbornly refuses to resolve our huge personal issues?
(U.S.A.) I have been married to my husband for 38 years. We have always had difficulty communicating. When we were first married we found a church we both liked and attended frequently. Both of our children were baptized there.
One evening when our children were ages 4 and under, two masked gun men entered our home and terrorized us for about 20 minutes. I was raped in front of my young son while my daughter laid awake in another bedroom. The other man had tied up my husband at knife and gun point in the basement. In all these years my husband will not talk to me about the rape. He only asked for the facts of what happened. This he did the day after the rape.
He will not tell anyone about it. I feel he is embarrassed of me and what happened. I recently discovered my husband has a mild form of Asperger’s syndrome, which explains why we have trouble communicating. But it leaves me feeling very empty, lonely, and unloved. I also need to note here that after the crime we stopped going to church because I thought this happened to me because I wasn’t being a good enough Christian and our pastor said nothing to dispel this belief.
Three years ago I started going to the church started by Rob Bell. I now realize this didn’t happen because I wasn’t being a good enough Christian. God gave man, and woman, free will. That’s why it happened. I do believe the reason we didn’t die is because God intervened. Our children are grown with families of their own.
Something happened recently that brought all of this back to me. I suffer from PTSD. My husband doesn’t understand and I get no comfort from him. I’ve tried explaining what I’m going through emotionally and he just can’t give me what I need. That’s the way his brain works. He won’t go to church with me. I want that so much but I also know it has to be his decision. I also need to know what the Bible says about rape. Is it considered adultery even though I was the victim? I need to talk about this and so much more with my husband; I need the emotional closeness. I know he can’t give it to me. I’m thinking about divorce and I even question that.
(UNITED STATES) Jean, Being raped is not adultery. You did not consent to the act. For the rapist, it would be adultery (and more), if he is married. Rape is not your sin, it is the sin of the one who committed it.
That being said, I know that men can respond “strangely” when they are aware that their spouse/partner has been a victim of rape, incest, or sexual abuse. I put strangely in quotes, because it looks strange to those of us who have been harmed sexually, but I think some men see it differently (in ways I can’t quite describe, because I’m not a man).
I know that when my husband was in the presence of the person who had sexually abused me as a child, he had a lot of rage, which he didn’t even express to me until a year after our being around that person. And he still has not dealt with it –he won’t talk about it. So I know it affects men to know this about their spouse –but I also know that I am not to blame and the shame is not mine, but the perpetrator’s.
–I hope this helps. I will look up incidents of rape in the Bible to give a more “biblical” perspective on it. (There are many incidents of it there.)
(USA) Emotional baggage? I hope you’re all doing well. Well, here’s my situation. I met a guy 8 months ago who failed to disclose that he was married. We live in different States. After talking on the phone/email for about two months, I get a phone call from… his wife! She was not nice, to say the least (and rightfully so). When I confronted the guy with this information, he admitted to being married, but that “the marriage was stormy” yadda yadda…
At this point, I asked him to stay out of my life. He did –for a month. He then came back with a sob story of how he and his wife were separated, how she’s abusive etc. In the meantime, he continues to send me gifts and flowers. I’ve been in a similar situation (abused, cheated on) and want to lend an listening ear. At the same time, I don’t want to get between him and his wife/family. Quite honestly, I don’t love him. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t even want or need any of the stuff he’s sending me, and I’ve told him so. I’m not in the business of wrecking homes. I don’t need a married/separated man. Having been in a similar situation, I feel bad about not listening to his woes (even though I don’t give my opinion).
How do I get him to stay away from me without hurting his feelings? It’s obvious he’s going through a lot. He constantly sobs, breaks down on the phone, etc. Admittedly, he’s a nice person (though he lied). Again, I don’t love him (never did) and I don’t want to be with him at all. I’m just being friends with a guy who lied to me about being married (doesn’t make sense). I don’t want to carry on the friendship. I’ve told him so, but he still calls. I don’t want him off loading on me. Besides, I don’t know what the true situation is in his marriage –and it’s not in my place to try and find out. How do I get him to leave me alone –without blocking his number? We belong to the same professional circles and often run into each other. Thank you for reading.
(USA) He has already lied, why would you entertain believing any of the emotional manipulation? He cried… probably a lie. Said his marriage is in trouble… probably true, he’s romancing women who are not his wife. Said his wife is abusive… is it abusive to be mad that your husband is unfaithful? You get the picture.
If he won’t stop, let the process server bear the news with a restraining order. Nothing says leave me alone like a restraining order.
(USA) Troy Troy Troy! And Kirstin! Thank you! I have been on a month long rut that lead to my spouse becoming uncertain if he wanted to work it out. He was tored pf the fighting. I got to the point I thought he was doing this because he found someone. Why else would he be willing to let go?
But apparently I accused one too many times of him wrong doing. I got to the place that Kirstin is talking about before we got to talk about separating and I was happier to give more of me and open my heart up to him. Then I made a comment about his sisters Bf he was caught speaking to another girl and well, I said guys are dogs and it got bad really quick. We have been married 9 years have 3 kids, survived marine corp life, and a separation 3 years ago for 8 months.
I couldn’t believe we got back here. I left home last Saturday when he told me he didn’t know if he wanted this anymore and told him I would not come back until he knows. He said he would not have an answer for me so just come home to be with the kids?!??? No, I refused! It went on all night and morning. I stayed in a hotel 20 miles away and was devastated. I cried and pleaded with him and he said I don’t know, I won’t have an answer. I got up Sunday by a text from him asking if I was coming home. I said no, not until I know you want to work it out. He said well, I’ll make plans for someone to pick the kids up from school and that they were going to his mother’s for breakfast if I needed to pick things up. So I did and packed 2 suitcases of clothes and he messaged me that I should just stay again. I refused to stay under those circumstances and went back to the hotel cleaned up as best as possible, and went to a resturant at 12:00 pm and started to drink margaritas :-(
I called my brother, cried my eyes out, then called my sister in law and continued telling the story to the whole restaurant as I cried on the phone. I didn’t care. I was so hurt I didn’t care who saw this. By 2:00 he was texted me where are you, since I turned off my location on my phone to upset him. By 2:30 he said come home, lets try one last time! One last time?!?!? What!?!?
He has not paid any attention to me. He watched Dexter until he is going to bed and lays down and goes to bed. I’m upset to the point I think it’s truly over. So I sit here as he asked me what are you doing? I said well, like you told me why does it bother you if I sit here as he watched his show. I asked him to lay with me. He said sorry, I’m watching TV. Help me out here Troy?!? How do I read all this!!? I don’t know what to do. I will try and forgive him for the situation we were in. I know I was part of it but I’m the only one trying. Is it worth it?
(USA) First off, my husband admits to not being a great communicator. In fact, when we sit down to try and have a serious conversation, I end up doing most of the talking. I ask him how he feels about certain things or just ask a general question and he doesn’t answer me, he just sits there and stares at me. I might get an answer 10 minutes later but by then I am wondering how genuine that answer really is. Even during the course of the day I can ask him a question and he will ignore me until he is ready to answer the question.
Then there is the fact that he is a private pilot and can be gone from 4 days a week to 10 days straight. After 8 years of marriage I am still struggling with trying to get him to call me when he is gone. I have flown to meet him where ever he ends up staying for long periods of time but it just seems to make him nervous, like I’m intruding on his privacy. But what really bothers me the most is that he will not share finance information with me. Even though I’ve asked and pleaded with him to sit down and go over the bills he will not. God forbide if something ever happened to him I wouldn’t know where to start. I have no passwords to accounts and my name is not on the house. I have asked him why he doesn’t share the information and all I get is “I don’t know”.
He doesn’t interact with his family even though they live 15-20 minutes away. He now treats me the same way he treats his family, never talks to them, it’s like he is punishing us for something. I moved 500 miles away from my family and friends and a secure job to marry him. I have also sacrificed in other ways as well for him. We tried counseling but he gave up on that. I don’t know how to make someone talk if they don’t want to. In fact I don’t know what to say to him anymore and it’s not for lack of trying. It’s out of fear; I’m afraid he won’t respond. When he doesn’t respond it makes me feel like I don’t exist or I am just a pain in the ass to him. Some days I feel like I could become invisible or quietly fade away and that would be just fine with him. Honestly, I think he knows he made a mistake in marrying me and will not admit it. He says he loves me but to me that is questionable…
(USA) Me and my husband have recently gone to counseling, and in our first session disconnection was our main topic. It seems so strange to me to think that our troubles are not so special and hard and challenging as we here as I read ae just an act of this category “being disconnect”. I too belive that GOD has lead me to this page as I was merely looking up my side of my pain on the situation and came accoss this reading that shared so much about how he is feeling.
I have sent this page to my husband and intend that we read it together. Maybe through that, as well as I saw he may get the view of my side. The counselor told us “don’t take your spouse’s complaints about the relationship disconnection as critisizm upon yourself, but more of a direction to follow to make your spouse happy as it’s just one of their needs.” We should stop pointing fingers and get down off our high horse and listen to our spouse’s feelings. If we do, we all may be surprised to find that by not yelling for our side to be heard, we may learn the road map to equal respect, fulfillments of needs, and finally a more harmonious marriage :)
(USA) Wow… I’m so happy I found this site. I am/was frustrated with my husband/marriage. Looks like most women have similar complaints. He doesn’t talk about his feelings, he doesn’t care about me, he is cold, etc, etc… I was about to give up but then read this article, read what all the women were saying, and then read what Tony was saying. A guys perpective helps tons. I feel so much better, time to try something else :)
(THAILAND) After I read this I felt I am both pursuer and withdrawer. We both have different bedtimes. He always goes to bed late and uses a lot of Internet & Facebook for work. Facebook is a big issue in my marriage in my opinion, but of course, for him it is not. He has a lot of guy friends. Most of them are young and single and have same interest as him (music). I feel he is trying to make relationships with them and forgets to make relationship at home. I also feel I can’t say anything (for him I would be complaining) because he is the only one supporting our family financially. Is it wrong of me to ask him to help me clean up the house and don’t use internet first thing when he gets up?
Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. He would say I would blow up in anger for no reason (for me I’m not). All I really want is for him to take time to sit down and talk with me daily and doing things as family on Sunday and not in front of computer.
(USA) Wow. The amount of pain on this page is overwhelming and rather depressing. God help us all.
(UNITED STATES) My husband after 8 year has told me he’s at peace with how he feels about me. I’m not sure what that means. Any advice?
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. We’re both on disability so we have a lot of free time. We were extremely close and did many things together. I noticed a change coming over him right after I bought him an IPad for his Birthday last April. I see him spending almost all his time on it, even taking it to the bathroom 2-3 times a day. I know it’s not porn, but I suspect he’s playing gambling games, so far not for money, but he used to have a gambling problem, so a huge red flag!
He knows I’m very upset that he is on his IPad so much. The sad thing is I can see how it has taken my place as the number 2 person in his life, God should be the first. We always prayed together every day since we married but stopped right around the time, yes you guessed it, I (ignorantly and stupidly) got the IPad. I feel lonely at times now in my house. I know this has to come out but I have been putting it off because of dreading a confrontation. When I bring it up I know he will be on the defensive. Any thoughts or ideas on how I should approach this? I have taken this to the Lord in prayer.
Best not to jump to conclusion about gambling. He may be addicted to Facebook as is my husband at times. Set up schedule of activity so that he is not able to use iPad. I.e. meet at another couple’s house for fun, people who do not have wifi. Then do something you like on your own so that you are busy and not likely to feel lonely. Start a diary and write your emotions and the issues in life. This way you can refine a nice way to have discussion when you do choose a time to talk without getting emotional.
I am just the opposite. I am a 48 yr old female and I am the withdrawer and he is the pursuer. I am off and on; I can tolerate him (he is very clingly) for 2 weeks and then for the next 2 weeks I shut down. I get irratible, stressed, cold, emotionless. I try to stay away from my spouse in those 2 weeks to not put that on him, and he takes it the wrong way – he takes personal and it’s putting a strain on this marriage.
I get happy loving and for 2 weeks we get along, but he takes this middle aged womens symdrom too personal. He thinks I am away emotionally for 2 weeks because I must be doing inconsiderate and unloyal things and this is not the case; they dont come as loyal as me. I’m just saying I tell him I just become friged every 2 weeks, I’ve spoken this to him over and over about my cycle.
His gripe is he needs this closeness; he needs this bond when he needs it. I told him that’s an unrealistic need. I tell him I wish I could stop this cycle. I’ve tried excersing, eating healthier foods; I’ve prayed about this over and over. My husband drinks and is on heart meds for heart problems and that alone is an emotional strain on me. But he had his emotional heart problem before his sickness. He now goes out and has lots of female friends who are just as unrully as him and drink none the less. I however do not pratice such lawlessness. I don’t appreciate him making excuses.
I feel misunderstood and unappreciated, and he does as well. We have been married for 4 yrs. and it’s not that I dont want to be married to him or be with him but his constant need for affection with no space in between and his constant ill behavior because of this supposed need, it’s not just a need once a day or 5 times a week, he describes this need as to not be able to breathe without it.
I feel like he uses my cycle as an excuse to be unloyal to me, though I cant say he has been unfaithful. I don’t have proof, but he is away at a party without me and there is drinking and he takes his ring off. Why do I stand by him is beyond me. (MISS Misunderstood) I love him enough to stay with Him; that’s unconditional while his love for me is I love you only when you love me. So unfair. Love is a choice not a condition. He puts condtions, that I dont even dare do. Should I say to him? You cant have female friends or drink, or I wont love you when you do those things???.
This is long after the fact, but I had to respond. You say your husband tries to show you affection and needs affection from you, but you pick and choose when that will be? You further say that love is a choice, but you are clearly choosing to love him for two weeks, then not love him for the next two weeks. I can’t imagine how you would be surprised that he goes elsewhere for the affection that you refuse to provide. If it’s medical/mental issues that are stopping you from consistently provide your partner with what he needs, I urge you to get medical treatment or therapy. From where I stand, I don’t see what he is doing wrong aside from wanting to be with you. Many a woman, and most widows, would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
Facebook? My husband was found by a former lover on Facebook. My marriage is essentially over. He decided to stay with me because he doesn’t work. But as long as he was employed he refused to give her up. He said she is the light of his life. I try to talk to him to work things out but he just doesn’t care.
My wife is addicted to that IPad!! It is with her no matter where we go… I too feel like I’ve been replaced with this infernal contraption! It interferes with all aspects of our marriage… and I mean ALL. I wish I had never bought it for her. I had thought about somehow damaging it beyond repair, but she would only go out and replace it the next day. I’ve never disliked a inanimate object such as this in my life! It has all but ruined our intimate time together!
Curtis, What you’re saying here is happening in literally millions of homes. People are looking away from their one-on-one real relationships, and are instead substituting them for the surface “relationships” and info gathering they can find through their electronic devices –iPads, phones, computers, etc, etc. They can’t seem to get enough of them. It’s a HUGE problem in more homes and marriages than you could ever imagine. Just go into a restaurant and look around in stores, and public places and you’ll see more people than not texting, talking on phones, and playing on their tablets and such. That doesn’t even take into account what is happening at home. It’s happening in epidemic proportion; it’s sad, and it’s serious.
You’re right about not damaging the iPad. My guess would be that your wife would see that as a serious threat to her “well-being” and it could seriously damage your relationship, even more than what’s going on (or what’s NOT going on) in your marriage right now. Please don’t do it. Here’s a link to one of the articles posted on our web site: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/about-us-2/quotes-on-facebook-twitter-archive/ that I recommend you read and share with your wife. Take out the word Facebook (if it doesn’t apply), and put in the word Social Media and you’ll gain valuable insight. Plus, here’s an article I found that might also help: http://christianmediamagazine.com/social-media-2/can-marriage-and-social-media-coexist/.
I hope you can figure out a way to talk to your wife at a non-threatening time, and in a way that shows your concern, more than your anger. A softened approach can help. You need to try to figure out what boundaries you both can come up with so she can enjoy the iPad, WITHIN REASON, and you can still have one-on-one personal time with your wife, as every married couple should have. It’s just like with video games, TV, phones, and the like, there needs to be balance involved.
Hi, I have a problem and I need help. My fiancé spends weeks without calling me and that seems not to bother him. I am really worried because I feel I am not valued and if we finally get married he may continue with this attitude. How can I break this silence without hurting him?
Not sure I know how to resolve it. What I would caution is that if it’s not good now, I wouldn’t expect it to get better when you are married. Perhaps the most kind thing you can do is NOT marry him, put some expectations on him that he is unwilling or unable to meet, then have a miserable marriage and/or an ugly divorce.
Tony is 100% correct. Getting married will never improve issues. They will still be there, just exacerbated by the additional pressures of a marriage. Getting married is never a solution to any pre-marital problems. Good luck.
My husband of six years is angry because I can’t find a job. He thinks I don’t want to work and I want to finish school so I have some leverage in the market. This has been an ongoing struggle and is driving me crazy. It has been two days and he won’t talk to me. I am lonely in this situation. I am also away from my family who has been my support system before I got married. I don’t know what to do. I have tried talking to him and he cuts me short and is very distant. I need help. I have been praying but this is hurtful and I really wish that either the marriage is over or he sits down with me and discusses this matter.
Listen to your husband’s reason for anger. Does he believe he is carrying all the financial burden? Are you pulling your weight in other ways? I.e. domestic responsibilities? Is getting a part time or casual work an option for you? If you are studying full time, that is hard work too. However, people have the perception having a job is harder, whether it is right or wrong. Manage both your stress by meditation, exercise, outline a short term and medium term plan as to your study schedule and the time to getting a job if possible.
We’ve been married for over 45 years. The disconnection happened the day after our wedding night. We had sex once in all those years. He hated sex, thought is was disgusting, smelly, messy, not worth the effort, very emotionless and something that two humans should never do. After we were done he threw up and said that sex will never happen again.
Since day one hes lived in the basement and I upstairs. He also worked midnights, holidays, weekends and never took his vacations. I never knew what went wrong or why. I do know it has nothing to do with me. But it made me dependant on my shrink and anti-depressant drugs.
The same thing happened to my aunt. She had sex only once in her life and the first shot it worked and she had a child. We all knew he hated sex. My aunt wanted to divorce him once but a counsellor had told her that she has food, clothing and shelter, so not to do it. Shes been married from 1985. I m sorry.
Your Aunt was lucky she had a baby and it probably connected her to a happier life. I never had any kids, but I did have food, shelter, and clothing. Also, I really never had a good job but the jobs I did have I made lots of friends. I went about my life as though I was never married.