The question was posed to us if flirting on the internet, by someone who is married, considered cheating. Here’s a portion of the answer I gave:
If someone is married, why would they think it’s permissible to flirt with anyone other than with their spouse? What about Internet flirting? Aren’t they putting themselves into a situation where they can fall into temptation? They’re playing with the emotions of someone else who shouldn’t be flirting with someone who is married. Isn’t this called being a “stumbling block” in tempting them to sin?
Is Flirting on the Internet Considered Cheating?
That other person may not know the person who is flirting with them is married. So, what if they build up romantic feelings for the flirting married person and they eventually find out that this person is married, is that fair? It puts them into a place of pain as they then have to make the decision to tear their heart away from someone they care for. It’s either that or they end up participating in cheating —either way, they lose.
I sure wouldn’t want that done to me if I were single! And I think the person who is flirting should consider that other persons’ feelings also. That’s really being cruel and inhumane to have so little compassion on the feelings of others —to be so insensitive that they would consider doing that to them!
I’m reminded of the Pharaoh of Egypt in Genesis 12 when Abram allowed his wife to be passed off as an unmarried woman and Pharaoh took her into his palace. It says in verse 17, “But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. ‘What have you done to me?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister, so I took her to be my wife’?”
Even Internet Flirting Can be Considered Cheating
One can argue that the circumstances went a step further than flirting. But it still comes down to one person contributing to another person sinning, and innocent people are hurt in the process.
Also the Bible talks about the fact that if we do something in our thoughts it’s the same as actually doing the deed itself. Flirting is being sexual in your attitude and/or words, so it doesn’t leave out the fact that this is defiling the Marriage Bed —which the Bible warns us against doing!
And even if the flirting spouse was up front with the fact that they were married, they’re contributing to another person sinning. If someone flirts with someone who is married, they’re guilty of trespassing into that marriage. They have no business flirting with someone else’s spouse.
So… tempting someone to flirt with you when you’re married is causing them to sin. Is that something we should do —contribute to tempting someone else to sin? Would that spouse want that to be done to their daughter or son? God doesn’t want it done to His either.
What About the Feelings of the Spouse?
And even if you put all of this aside, what about the other spouse who has their marital partner flirting with someone else? How is this cherishing and honoring them (as the flirting partner promised in their wedding vows to do)? Can this be considered as “forsaking all others” as promised in the wedding vows? How does this make the faithful spouse feel? I can tell you that it hurts into the core of their being! How is that humane?
It takes an insensitive and/or immoral person to do that to someone else! We’re to be different than the animals. Being creatures of compassion is a large part of what separates us from the animals. I don’t see much compassion in this situation. It sounds more cruel to me!
It all comes down to making the choice of being a promise-keeper or being someone who only cares about themselves —that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. THAT’S what the person is deciding when they flirt with someone else who isn’t their spouse —whether it’s on the internet or elsewhere.
Just because it’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean that integrity is supposed to be removed from our actions. Integrity is who you are, and what you do, when no one else is looking but God. And flirting outside of marriage screams against being a person of integrity. It says, “I’m self-centered and I don’t care who I hurt in the process! What I want is what’s important here!”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
— ALSO —
Here’s another article that could bring further insight into this issue:
• HELP! My Spouse is a Flirt. What Can I Do?
(USA) I’m married and just found out my husband has been flirting with this girl on myspace, but she’s actually a friend of one of his friends. It really does hurt when you are the 100 Percent faith spouse. What he has done is WRONG and totally against everything we vowed to. I don’t know if its an ego thing or what, but whatever it is…it hurts really bad and is dishonest. And I’m to the point where I’m loosing trust.
(USA) I need to know if I’m wrong for being upset with my husband and over reacting. I found it on the famous Facebook. My husband has been talking to a woman that he met years ago (she found him again on facebook). He just went through a divorce with his ex-wife and moved into an apartment. Well, she ended up moving in with her family next door to his and they got to know each other. He says they were just friends and he took her to the movies once and held her hand for he says maybe 15 min. And there was no responce out of her so he said he took that as she just wanted to be friends. They went swimming and I have no idea what else BUT he swears they did not kiss of have sex with each other.
She lived there for 3 months or so and moved. Then a few years later he ran into her again and went to her house. He said he sat on the couch and she sat on the complete other side and he said he was very uncomfortable like she didn’t want him there so he left and had not seen nor heard from her.
THEN she found him on facebook. At first it didn’t really bother me but she was doing the xoxox thing which means hugs and kisses. They talked a little about the past and she wished him a happy birthday and told him she remembers how he loved lightning storms and thunder. He was shocked on how she remembered he liked that and she told him a few years back from now she went looking for him in the town he lived in (she was there seeing her mom) and that she was so happy she had found him and was going to tell her mom she found him on facebook. AND his reply, that ripped my heart out, was “you never know her. If we would have spent more time together I probably wouldn’t have asked her to marry me.” We have been together since 2002 and got married in 2005.
I feel hurt bad, that he said that to a woman that he hasn’t seen or talked to in YEARS, let alone they only KNEW each other for 3 months. I did confront him with it cause it tore me up inside so bad. At first he said he did nothing wrong, he just wanted to make her feel good. Then he said he knew it was wrong when he hit the send button. We got into a little discussion about it again the other night because I can’t let it go because I think he has feelings for her that he never got to explore back then. I’m not saying that anything would happen now because she lives in Mexico.
I wrote her pretending to be him and asked her “do you still like me” and she responed “why do you ask me that?” She knew he is married and even asked if I would get mad at them talking. Well, she got back with HIM with the e-mail I sent her. First off, I did it because I wanted him to see that he was giving the wrong impression to her and that she might have feelings towards him. She sent an e-mail to him that said “why wouldn’t you answer my e-mail?” He replied back and said he had not gotten them and he didn’t. I deleated them.
Well, then she replied back, I know because I saw the e-mail and I read it that night before I went to bed. The next morning I got up to see what his response was and lo and behold they had been DELETED. I WAS PI**** so called him and asked why he had DELETED them and what was said. He “told” me what he said (HAHA).
And then another response comes back from her and he called me and told me about that one and told me to get on line and read it. I said no and waited for him to get home and had him get on line and open it and he was right about what she said except for the part “I understand that this jealous” and the “jejeje and don’t worry, you still have my friendship ” He has not replied to that one (YET). He says he is sorry he should not have said it and I have forgiven him but it’s so hard to get it out of my head. I want to so bad because I love him so very much and I know he loves me. So to make a long story short, am I over reacting or did I have every right to be upset? Oh yeah, he did tell me a while back that he likes to flirt and make women feel good. Please respond. Thank you
(AUSTRALIA) Adultery is in the mind! It is common on the net.
(USA) My husband had an emotional affair that started with, you guessed it, flirting. It doesn’t just go away. You have to deal with the issue and be honest about what is really happening. Our marriage almost ended as a result. I began writing my feelings down until it turned into a book. I had to totally depend on God to see me through. By the way, the book is entitled, When Loving You is Right; but I Want to be Wrong
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(USA) It isn’t Facebook, it’s the heart of the adulterer. No one ever said “It’s the darned phone company or the postal service.” I’ve been on FB 4 years. Had ex bf’s contact me and I told my husband immediately. Let the ex’s know I was not interested and that was the end of it.
My husband cheated with the company *blank* Do I blame Corporate? It was his lying, cheating heart, ordained of Satan. God says “Ye are as your father the devil” and those that are convinced they are heaven-bound while carrying on are the very ones Christ is talking to when he says “depart from me ye workers of iniquity, I never knew you”. People think the Bible is written to the lost world but it”s not. They are reading it and aren’t supposed to. It’s a love letter from God to the “saved” and we may tell a tree by the fruit it bears!
How can someone love and do evil and think they are of God? Adults know better. Adult, Christian’s certainly know better but everyone is looking for someone else to blame. Jesus says to stop those thoughts as soon as they come into your head and heart. Then it cannot progress to the all out destruction of adultery which He classifies with murder and blasphemy.
It is God’s plan for us to marry and have kids. Committed, safe and loving. All sin whether this or homosexuality is the devil’s way of destroying all God loves and it’s becoming more prevalent because of the Internet and God calls Satan the prince of the Power of the Air (waves) and the secular world is already on Satan’s path so he devotes all his time on those within the “church” then there is the added shame of making a disgrace of the name of God before the rest of the world which serves to keep the lost from wanting to know God even more. Further damaging the Kingdom and it will not go over well on Judgement day. His death on Calvary was not to make excuses for our sins. We are excused from the sinful nature we are born into. That we do after claiming Him will be answered for and harshly.
While getting mad at another for a driving offense is sin, it doesn’t create all this wreckage and innocent victims. The Apostle Paul says we will be without excuse. Guard your heart. We all know better. He also speaks of “the Falling Away” and that is of those within the building. What are those that have never claimed Christ falling away from? It’s those within!
Jesus tells of the earthquakes and increased war and evil-“for these are the beginning of sorrows” as we near the end times. He will do as He says. Live like it!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m so sorry to what your husband is doing. Is your husband born again? I know what you’re going through and pray that GOD remains in the center of your marriage. Just stay in prayer and tell your husband what it’s doing to you.
(US) I’m sorry you are hurt by this. Don’t feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong! This is grounds for divorce. He doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. You have a right to file for divorce. But, it’s up to you if you want to stay with your husband while he is committing adultery. He is not loving you like Christ loves the church. Wake up an smell the coffee.
(USA) Please give me some advice… I’ve been with my fiancee for two years now. I was browsing "myspace" and to my surprise I found a picture of him in his brother’s birthday party/Halloween party (10/27/07). In this picture he is standing between two girls dressed all sleazy (sexy Halloween costumes). I chose not to go with him to the party. But now I regret not going. In the picture there is one girl behind him with one arm around his waist then there’s another girl in front of him. She’s bending forward and her behind is facing his front…can you picture that? I was so hurt and upset. I confronted him and he said "nothing happened…he was drinking a lot. But that nothing ever happened. He says that he loves me and wants to marry me and that no one could ever replace me. He sounds really remorseful but then again… I don’t know if I should trust him… I broke up w/him… what should I do??
(US) You have all the red flags before you marry this guy. Pay attention to them. Getting married will not stop him from cheating. If he’s not faithful now, then he won’t be faithful later. Tell him you don’t want to marry him at this time. If he loves you then he will start acting like a faithful husband.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband has moved out of the house and has been gone now for three months. This final separation is the result of a previous affair and then his "flirting on the internet" which caused me such unbelievable heartache.
We had just completed marriage counseling and had made a re-commitment to each other when this past school girl and neighbor friend made contact on "Face Book." At first I was not at all worried (after all she lives in New Zealand and we live in South Africa) but watched in dismay at the intensity of this relationship growing. Contact on "face book" was no longer good enough so the daily e-mails began. SMSing then began and followed by daily phone calls.
I tried explaining to my husband the hurt he was causing me and that this kind of flirting was wrong. He said that he could not understand my jealousy and I had no reason to object- this was his private life and he needed some space. Needless to say here we are, separated and my husband is in the process of planning his escape to New Zealand to meet up with this lady and there is talk of two divorces and marriage.
God has been by my side over the last few months. I have put my trust in the Lord and no matter what happens I Know there is a plan for me.
I would like to warn anybody out there who reads this letter to know that internet flirting is dangerous and hurtful. It can and does break marriages up. Beware the devil is watching and knows just how to trick you.
(AMERICA) Rose, I am sorry that you are going/have gone through this. My husband and I were in therapy and our therapist told us that Facebook is now the NUMBER ONE reason for divorce. It just is not healthy on a marriage. We both have an account with facebook (I have all my husbands pass codes). I found a new facebook account that he created. It is just dangerous for those who already have those demons living inside of them. We are heading for divorce I am afraid. Good luck to you!
(USA) Tylyn, It is so true that Facebook is the number one reason for divorce for most couples. In July 2009, I discovered that my husband was having on online affair with his high school classmate.
Every night he was on Facebook and would stay on all night until 5am. He’d always play with her over poker table and that’s where they’d chat and flirt. I was able to find out my husband’s email passwords and read all the emails that they sent each other.
How I wish I did not read them. It hurt so bad and it felt like I was going to go insane. I told my husband to leave and go be with her if that’s what he wants. He begged for forgiveness and asked me to give him another chance. I did. He gave me his passcodes and stopped playing online poker. But the trust issues are still there. I think that would take a while.
(USA) I am totally hating facebook right now. I resent the female relationships my husband has created for himself. The one’s he has forsaken our vows for. I will never take part in that kind of drama again.
Rose, I will pray for you Sister… I know how much you are hurting and I believe that nothing good will come out of your husbands lies. He will be held accountable to God.
What people don’t realize when they mingle with the opposite sex in this way is that they are betraying the very covenant they made with the Father… They are only causing more pain and misery upon themselves… You can’t serve God and lust… It’s impossible… And God will not bless it in anyway…
(USA) My husband had an affair. We are trying to work out our marriage. Now he has a myspace and talks to other women. I know he is saying things about me and telling them lies about us. He says that there is nothing wrong with talking to them but he is flirting with them. This is the same as cheating.
(USA) Hi, Jessica… cheaters seem to have it in their hearts, but that does not mean they can not change. If you want a man to change their cheating habit, you have to leave them. Then if they want you back, they have to prove themselves. I am sorry to say, but there is NO other way with men because of their make-up. They will always take advantage if that is in their nature. Now… you are not married yet, so I would just leave him and let it go, if you have no children with him. I personally will not tolerate it, and will move on like there was nothing there between us, if that ever happens in my marriage. Of course, women cheat, too… but dealing with us is quite different.
(USA) Well, I’m not married or engaged or anything like that. I’m just 15 but have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for the past year. He physically cheated on me about 4 or 5 months into the relationship and now he’s just started talking to this girl over myspace and text messaging. He’s never met her before and she lives in a different state. But I was reading through his texts and he was telling her she has a hot body and nice legs and thighs and that he has dreams about her and that she’s so pretty and smart and he thinks she’s an amazing dancer and they send pics. His inbox had over 900 messages from her in the last week so I couldn’t read them all so who knows what else he’s saying. Anyway I was jw… is this normal behavior for guys that girls shouldn’t worry about? Or is it considered cheating?
(I know this is an old post, but I couldn’t help commenting for anyone else reading this like me in 20013 or after)
It’s normal behavior if you want someone who doesn’t have any morals. Even my athiest father would never flirt or cheat on my mom so don’t think it’s just a ‘Christian’ thing. When you found out he cheated on you you should’ve dumped him forever. He broke the trust between you and cheaters can never be trusted. Now that you’re finding him flirting with someone – SERIOUSLY DUMP HIM! He will never change. This is his lifestyle – his habit. He’s entrenched in this. Read all of these stories & many many more online like this to see all of the broken hearts of women who gave guys 2nd and 3rd chances and sometimes more than that! The guys always say ‘it’s nothing’, ‘you’re overreacting’, ‘we’re just friends we always talk like that, baby, you’re the one I love’, blah blah blah. He’s a liar and a cheat.
(USA) Hi Megan, You ask if your boyfriend’s behavior is cheating, and whether this is normal behavior for guys… the answer is yes and no. He is cheating on you if you both have an understanding that you are to be exclusive in your relationship. The fact that you call this a "serious relationship" tells me that you have stronger feelings about the seriousness of your relationship than he does. Someone who is "serious" does not do what he is doing to you in relating as he is to other gals.
If this were my boyfriend, I would run… not walk away and never return –no matter what excuse he gives. But of course, this is your decision. This guy has dishonored you and has put his "needs" above being considerate of someone he claims to care for –that is an integrity issue. From what I can see, your heart will continue to get trampled on more and more as he runs over you to find more thrills with other gals in the future. Please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way. You are not married to this person… so you do not have a marriage covenant partnership with him to work through issues.
As for the chase he is making toward other gals, this is sadly pretty normal for a lot of guys in today’s world because boundaries have been lowered and blatant pursuit for sexual action is considered normal. Yes, their testosterone levels are higher at this age, and that’s a tough thing. But no… that doesn’t mean that they have to act out in this way. They do it because they can.
I pray you will take yourself out of this game. You are created to be more than a piece of meat to be groped at and treated in such a manner. Sex is great… but not pre-mature sex delivered by someone who doesn’t respect you enough to commit himself exclusively to you for life.
I hope you will read through the "Sex before Marriage" section to see part of the reason why restraint is important. There is a soul tie that still happens when we allow ourselves to open the gift of sex prematurely to someone other than our spouse — a tie that is supposed to be exclusive with our spouse. God created us that way. Tragically, too many of us are leaving bits and pieces of ourselves with others and it is causing a world of emotional and spiritual damage as a result.
There are a few web sites that you might find helpful as a young person. One of them is Boundless.org and another is found at http://www.crosswalk.com/family/singles/ and also Growthtrac.com and go into their “Singles and Dating” section or their “Community” section. I think these web sites might help you to work through various issues as a teen. I hope they help!
(JAMAICA) I think "Flirting" is considered as cheating. As defined in the dictionary "Flirting" means having sexual attraction with the opposite sex or even so, same sex. "Cheating" is defined as having sexual intercourse with a individual who is not your partner. Why would someone flirt? Why not flirt with your partner? Can someone answer this question, please?
(SA) I think I came here looking for answers only to discover there are many of us out there who have the same challenges.
I am at the point of considering divorce because I don’t think I can take it anymore. I have been married for two years but dated my husband for four years before that. If am honest with myself, all along our courtship and marriage, my husband has been flirting with other women. At first I thought this would stop and gave it time but six years down the line it gets worse.
We are currently working in different countries and I recently discovered that he has been sex-texting grossly with his colleague. There are other many incidences that we have had and I can count about 10 of those which I have confronted him about. He always says it is the usual flirting and there is nothing to read. He actually turns the heat on me as to why I go through his text messages and all.
I know I have lost trust in him… our marriage/relationship has changed. Please tell me what to do. Am I being paranoid? Each time I confront him he makes promises he never keeps. I’m hurting so bad and I have reached the point of saying I don’t want to live like this again. I want it to end.
(CANADA) It’s not easy to tell of someone when you live him, but I will tell you a bit of my story. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years. This is the longest relationship which he ever had in his life and he’s 54 years old. His previous relationship didn’t last more than 5 years. I am 8 years younger than him, good looking and smart. Actually, I am not sure how smart if I spent 10 of my life with him.
We dated for 2 years (I had a previous marriage with a cheater) so I told him that I won’t trust a man again. He said he’s different and he showed me a lot of love and treated me like a princess; he used to call me his princess.
After two years of dating we bought a house together and lived in it for 5 years. During those 5 years I caught him twice cheating. The first time, let’s say it was my fault. During an argument I told him that he could go and find someone else because I wouldn’t sleep to him anymore. Guess what? He didn’t wait for me to say it twice. He found someone.
When confronting him, he didn’t admit it but I found phone numbers and it just confirmed what I was suspecting. Never mind. It was my fault. I pushed him to this. We were living in the same house so after a month we decided to a new fresh start so everything was ok for a few months.
When he get sick and needed surgery I went daily to the hospital and after a week he came home but the doctor told him to rest for a few days and not to start work. One morning I called home and got no answer. I called him on his cell and asked him where he was and he said at work. I asked him, why didn’t you call me to let me know that you decided to go to work? He said it wasn’t that important.
After a few weeks the cell bill arrived and I had a feeling that something wasn’t right so I opened his bill (which usually I didn’t do) and surprise surprise! I found 2 new phone numbers so I went to a public phone and dialed the numbers and I found out to whom the numbers belonged to and the name of the person (Lynn).
So that evening he came home from work around 6:30 (he’s a salesman) and I asked him, who’s Lynn? He replied, Why are you asking? I said, Because on the morning you started working you called her. Who is she that you need to call so early in the morning? He said that she’s a friend.
After more interrogations I found out that she’s a client and they became friends, and again I asked him why I don’t know about this friend of yours? You know all my friends male or female. Anyway, I said to him that I wanted to sell the house and move out because I don’t trust him any more and if I accept this situation he will do it again and again and I don’t need this in my life.
The house was sold within one week and I moved back to my condo and he bought a house in the country side. We decided to stay friends but after a few weeks it became more than this so we were a couple again. This time each of us had our own places and we saw each other during the weekend and the same days during the week. A few months after this, I caught him that he was registred on the dating line on the internet. At this point I told him that is over.
After a few months we met at a common friend’s party and the next day he invited me out to have a drink so I accepted. I lied to him that I was in a relationship with someone from work and he was miserable. He begged me to get back with him because he learned his lesson.
Another 2 years passed, and from time to time he told me how much he hated himself for what he did in the past (he was hoping that one day I would move back with him but I always said, don’t dream about it because you had your chance).
So we went on vacations; we had a nice 2 years until this weekend. I went on his computer (I spent my weekend at his place and I was alone — he went to help someone to do whatever). I tried to talk to my sister back home (I am from Europe). When I opened skype, surprise surprise! I found all his chats with a young girl from France. She is 23-24 and he’s 54. He told her he’s 44 and the things that were said just made me puke. He was masturbating when talking with her. She sent pictures and he was asking if she had more intimate pics after he started to call her mon amour, Princess all the name he used with me during intimacy … So in conclusion, the man who cheats once will never change. I just lost 10 years of my life and you know, I am not even hurt –just disgusted, and I feel sorry for him. I hope this will help you a bit.
(NORWAY) Hi Meg, I read your story about your cheating/lying husband. I just recently (3 days ago) found out that my fiancé is flirting on the internet (facebook and other places). And the last couple of days I found out more and more about his flirting stuff. It’s dirty stuff! I’m completely overwhelmed by dissapointment, hurt, anger…
I am actually sitting at my work right now, wondering if I should go home and break up with him, or if I should not come home at all, maybe just disappear?! I don’t know what to say to him – I have lost all respect for him!!!
How did things turn out for you then? I do not believe you are paranoid!
(USA) Hi Meg, This is sure a terrible problem! It’s difficult for most anyone else to imagine why your husband doesn’t see how this is absolutely wrong and hurtful. The pain and confusion and anger must be horrible for you to experience. My heart goes out to you!
As for “what to do.” I’m not entirely sure, but I have some thoughts as I pray about this. It’s something you should sure pray about. I wouldn’t however, be so quick to throw the divorce word around — or even consider it as an option yet. There are other steps that need to be worked through before that should be considered.
The first is prayer. Pray for your marriage and for his eyes to be opened and for his heart to see yours and how much this behavior hurts you. And don’t stop. I understand that you may be angry… but this man definitely needs prayer!
Secondly, I believe you HAVE to put some type of boundary down on this. The reason your husband is continuing to do this is because he can. He doesn’t see the damage it is doing and enjoys the chase (even though he should have stopped chasing other women when he said his wedding vow to you). And because he’s done this in the past, he will continue doing it in the future. He doesn’t see a reason to stop.
A good article for you to read is titled “Why Doesn’t My Husband Change? Functional Fixedness” — it’s in the “Save My Marriage” section of this web site.
Next, you need to draw a line in the sand to stop the revolving door in your marriage relationship and in your heart with how your husband interacts with other women. You may even need to talk to a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor (see what that means in the articles we have posted in the “Marriage Counseling” section) BEFORE you talk to your husband about his unfaithful behavior. A counselor might help you to put a plan together to set clear boundaries and consequences. Things are more complicated because of your geographical distance right now, but a good counselor can help you to figure that out.
I’m sure your husband will try to justify his actions — calling them innocent fun… but there’s nothing innocent in ripping your heart apart. You have a right as his wife to expect fidelity — in every way. That’s all part of marriage. You need to approach your husband in a respectful but firm manner.
But make sure you approach him at a time when emotions aren’t running high. They will get tested as it is, but you don’t want to start them in an elevated position right from the start! It’s important that you approach your husband at a time when he may be more open to listening to your heart rather than a time when you should H.A.L.T. – which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.
As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time, “Studies show that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
So, the point is, to ask God to help you discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You’ll probably still get a negative reaction from your him (because he won’t want to stop what he’s doing and will rationalize his behavior), but there’s less of a chance of your discussion getting out of hand if you pick a better time to make your approach.
If separation is the choice he makes (if he doesn’t change his heart and actions on this — that means that HE’S making the choice not to participate in this marriage — not you, because you have the right to expect fidelity on every level), I still wouldn’t talk divorce. I’d live out the principles of “Separation” (we have articles posted in the “Separation and Divorce” section of this web site that explain this). Even if your husband won’t agree to the principles, it’s important that you’re faithful to them. Don’t do anything that violates the vows YOU made. Two wrongs don’t make a right! Don’t add to the problem.
Give God elbow room and time to work on your husband to bring him to repentance. Work on your own issues at that time to be the woman of God that He created you to be. Hopefully your husband will wake up to see how wrong he is and will see the wonderful woman he married and will step up to participate in your marriage as a faithful partner.
If not… at least you will know that you have done your part in living out your marriage commitment as you should and you will also have the benefit of growing spiritually with the Lord guiding you. God will guide you in this as you lean upon Him — rather than your own understanding of the matter. Above all, live a life of grace, as Christ demonstrated. I hope you will. My prayers are with you Meg.
(US) I came here also looking for answers. Back in October I found some sexually explicit texts on my husbands cellphone. When I confronted him about it he promised me that it wouldn’t happen again. So, I kinda of brushed it off. Then in December right before Christmas he called me at work to tell me that something had happened. He had been fired from his job as a manager b/c a female employee had filed a complaint against him for sexual harassment.
It turns out he and this woman had been exchanging sexual emails and when she found out that he was married w/ a child she became enraged and went to her manager. He claims that he had ended the sexual texting with her a month or so prior to all of this, but she didn’t want to hear it so she was still calling him and texting him but he wasn’t responding.
I feel so hurt! Never in my life would have imagined that my husband would do this to me. We are currently in marriage counseling. He has promised me that he isn’t doing the same things anymore, but it’s so hard for me to trust him. I don’t know what he’s doing while I’m at work. Not only am I having to deal with my feelings about my husbands actions but I’m also having to deal with being the sole provider for our family.
Although I feel like the counseling is helping and I love him and I want to make it work; it is so hard for me to move past the hurt and pain I’m feeling. I feel like he destroyed our future. He had a good job and he was moving up in the company. Now, he has nothing and everything is on me. And I just don’t know how I will ever be able to trust him again.
(USA) I caught on to my husband by looking through the history on the computer and I found that he was looking at escorts on-line. The next day I decided to look at the out going mail. He had asked for rates from a certain escort. I confronted him and asked him why does he need to look at girls on the internet. He would always say I don’t know or shrug his shoulders.
As months passed I noticed he kept looking at the same site and again I would ask until recently. He saw that I was very upset, crying. He hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told him again about the site. He said he would never cheat on me. I asked why. His answer was he looked at the girls because I wasn’t having sex with him. I told him we just had a baby, I have been going to school, I am stressed out right now and asked why hadn’t he talked to me if it bothered him.
Anyway, my point here is he wants me to trust him but it’s hard to and is it a sin what he is or was doing? Lately I checked his computer. I haven’t found anything on escorts. Should I trust him again?
(UNITED STATES) My wife and I are having problems. Recently she started e-mailing a guy she knew a long time ago. I didn’t mind because she said they were just friends. One day she left her e-mail open, so I went in to see what they talk about. Oh my God, the sexually explicit conversations they have drove me crazy. She says they are just e-flirting and I have nothing to worry about. She also calls him on her cell any chance she gets. What should I do?
(USA) Our hearts go out to you and please know that you’re in our prayers. Maybe our story will offer you and others some encouragement. Ours has been a journey that has taken us over a year to come to realize the true love and commitment we have for one another after many a prayer having been said by us both. James has battled a sex addiction for many years, even before I came into his life – and as such he partook in anything that would apply to that online, be it a number of dating sites, pornography, all the chat networks, email, text messaging and even having “friends” call him on the phone -which continued even after we got married.
For some, as was the case with James, it can start out as a low level sexual stimulant, as simple as say looking at an catalog, seeing it in a movie or even a provocative commercial on the TV. For in truth, you can see it at your local news stand and at eye level of children! It can be a person they call a “friend” and a lot of times it’s not something their partner lacks but what they feel they lack in themselves or on their own. For in truth, there can be a number of underlying factors that can trigger this kind of addiction. For James it was a result of many years of childhood abuse. He literally thought no one could or would ever truly love him. He was afraid of love, resented love and as such disconnected himself or disassociated himself from the situation entirely on a personal level to any degree as that applies to a truly monogamous commitment, as God intended.
This is not to say he didn’t have needs, because everyone does. He just sought to fulfill his needs in what he considered to be the safest way he could, that being on the internet. So, what started as a safe and intriguing curiosity or interest for him steadily turned into a deep-seated and volatile addiction. Like any addiction it got worse over time, requiring more and more stimulus to satisfy an ever growing need for more and more stimulation. It’s like a drug in that regard and if left unchecked it can lead to all kinds of problems that are hurtful to all parties involved. Sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction, in our opinion, in that there are no support groups readily available in most communities to handle this growing problem. There’s no progressive program to deal with it, diagnose it or help someone recover from it. It’s ready available on the internet, in movies or on the TV; even in commercials. “Sex sells,” they say – and the devil is everywhere. That’s the truth of the matter.
Thus, we’re sorry to say, if your partner wants to partake in it, they will always find a way to do just that. It’s only by way of love and a sincere love for the Lord that you are able to conquer a problem such as this, because believe me we never could have done it on our own. I prayed many, many times, daily that James eyes would be open, by the Lord. I cried many a tear for the pain, sense of loss and betrayal I felt. I had no idea what was going on and I felt totally rejected and abandoned in the process. I could not understand why he could not love me as much as I obviously loved him. He said it, so why couldn’t his actions parallel that? That was the question that ate at me. That and “WHY?” I blamed myself and I started to really get a low self-esteem and personality complex about it.
James got a job in Hong Kong, a high level, executive position and we were off to a new country, where I thought we could start a new and fresh life free of any interference or distractions; especially from his friends, for James had stopped partaking in most of his online activities by then; even though, I naively didn’t know about what was taking place by then either. I just had a gnawing feeling and many suspicions.
Call it woman’s intuition, but, the truth always comes out in the end – just as it did in our situation. After all, it wasn’t as much a secret for James, as I thought. Truth is, he’d left it on the computer for me to find. kind of like a test you might say. Although I’d been abused and much worse than him, he tested me and our relationship to see if I truly loved him enough to stay and maybe even, quite possibly accept it. Not that that makes it right, but my love for him was unwavering.
I found the pornographic videos he’d downloaded from the Internet, when he went over to Hong Kong alone to interview for the position at his new job and I was devastated- and clearly did not accept it. But it didn’t stop there as one thing lead to another revelation I wasn’t prepared for, such as: the numerous dating sites he’d joined or the alternate email account he had. The lies he’d told since the beginning of our relationship were so many, he couldn’t begin to explain it all away. One lie virtually leading into the next,…”virtually,” – sorry, but no pun intended.
But, ALL OF THIS came at a price. James got very sick, being guilt ridden and overstressed at work as he work many hours and into the early mornings trying to build a new department. Without any apparent explanation his internal organs began to swell and he was hospitalized for 10 days in a foreign country – to our surprise, with no insurance as promised by his company that could be utilized there. I stayed by his side; even though my pride at times told me to leave.
The lies didn’t stop there. We returned home to the US for medical treatment on a medical leave of absence from his new job, just 5 months after our departure – and the lies continued. As he began to speak of the omissions he’d purposefully left out, I interpreted everything he had to say as lies too. Worse yet, his addiction had lead to an encounter with a married couple, before we met and we had to deal with the very real possibility that he might have fathered a child with the other woman. But thankfully that was not the case; although we both very much wanted to do the right thing, if that had turned out to be true. Thus, that being said, I was the next one to get seriously ill, after that.
James lost his job abroad and we were very much under spiritual attack and the situation got a whole lot worse, before it was ever got better. I almost left James on a few occasions as I interpreted everything he said to be an excuse. But the Lord obviously had a lot of work to do within me too to get me to listen and stop taking offense to everything that was being said. So, James’ prayers were obviously answered too. For if we could all truly strive to have a heart like His, wouldn’t the world be a better place? That’s not to say that forgiveness is a viable option for everyone and I’m sure God understands that too with him being the loving and compassionate Savior that He is.
True enough, James did hurt me and I had every right to be mad, hurt and feel violated: mind, body and soul, because I felt like I’d lost the soul mate that God had intended for me all along and a lot of time. I truly felt dead inside and void of all emotion as we both began to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But at least according to God’s love for us, James also had the right to fully understand his misdeeds and try to explain them to me; even after I’d discovered all the lies he initially told and the lies since.
So the long and short of it is there can’t be true recovery and a rebuilding process without accountability, responsibility and true remorse. One can not partake in sins of the past, bring it into their future if they want true happiness and a truly fulfilling relationship. What may seem to be an innocent, harmless or acceptable activity online can easily and quite quickly turn into a compulsion and addiction that can adversely affect every aspect of one’s life. After all, the internet is the devil’s playground, as he is always ready to try to come into our lives by any means necessary.
It’s like we were under attack, even after the biggest and most damaging revelations had been discovered, and probably at our most vulnerable point. The devil will not always use the most obvious things to enter into or manipulate our lives. But, he will attack us at our most vulnerable point – that much you can be sure of, and he will use any and everything he has to work with at his disposal.
James’ vulnerabilities, making him an easy target for attack: With James it was his fear of being unworthy of love and his fear of being hurt – so much so, that he couldn’t commit to anyone, let alone his own desire to have a meaningful relationship with another human being, after being so hurt by his abuser. For he had appointed himself protector over both himself and his mother and felt powerless to change anything given the situation of his father’s worsening mental illness and battle with Schizophrenia – and that’s a lot for any kid to take in. There was quite a bit of guilt associated with that and his obvious limitations, due to his young age and stature. Besides, it’s customary within any family unit that the father is to be the protector.
James always wanted to be a man of God. He always wanted to be a man of integrity. At one time he wanted to be a preacher and he wrote beautiful sermons, standing in for his pastor. (I know because I read them!) But later in life he suffered rejection at the hands of…for lack of a better word, “a former fiance” and an abuser who cheated on him and that made him feel very unsure of himself, making him question whether love is even a valid concept.
Tori’s vulnerabilities, making her an easy target: Whereas, with me it was my fear of being betrayed, unlovable (not good enough), or even unworthy of love, for I’d endured many years of abuse at the hands of almost everyone I knew. I’d endured abuse as a child and as an adult and in several different dynamics. I was abandoned and abused by my biological family with 5 sexual predators living in the same household as me. I went to foster care and was made a ward of the state, where I was violated yet again; then, only to be abused the third and ultimate time as child, by my adoptive family. I lost my children to an abuser and my life had been riddled with subsequent abusers ever since.
I felt like there was no end to it; even though, I remained faithful to God, was an acolyte in my church and taught Sunday school for preschool aged children. At one time, I even wanted to be a nun, thinking no one could ever love me like Him. Then, when God brought James into my life, I rejoiced at the opportunity and the wonderful gift He’d given me. I never for one second doubted James’ love for me, until that fateful day and after that doubted everything and questioned everything, up and until God helped me to see past my pain and into His promise for me.
Moral of the story being: Life is never easy and it’s not without it’s lessons and the devil always knows what he has to work with even if we don’t, even if we’re in denial or not prepared to see the portals that have been created for him to enter into our lives. But he also knows he is weak in the eyes of God and that makes him work even that much harder when people turn away from sin. So, don’t think you are free of his grips when you begin the recovery process. Work more diligently than ever and stay the course, relying on God to help see you through. Stay in the Word!
James is in counseling now and I am committed to standing by him in his efforts to overcome his sexual addiction and his tendency towards compulsive lying. With God’s help, he has opened up to me a great deal and even a little more with each passing day. I’ve learned to listen with discernment, not being judgmental, but realizing we’ve got a long way to go to work through this process.
It’s so important for anyone that is battling any kind of addiction that stresses their marriage, relationship, livelihood or otherwise to seek out the proper counseling or resources that it’s going to take to overcome this condition. We’ve all been given free will and it’s our responsibility to make choices that are beneficial to not only ourselves but our loved ones or those we take into our midst. Whereas, the devil’s only objective is to kill, steal and destroy. So, with God’s help this too we shall overcome and please know we’re praying for you all too, because quite honestly a lot of your stories brought us to tears and a lot of them offered us encouragement too. Where ever this journey takes you, we pray you arrive safe in the assurance of God’s love for you and we wish you peace, love and joy.
Thanks for listening and God bless you! :D :D ~ Tori & James